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Re: Smiles for the day [Re: Barnacle] #278777
04/30/08 05:48 PM
04/30/08 05:48 PM
Joined: Nov 2001
Posts: 214
Maya Centre Village, Stann Cre...
MissLena Offline
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MissLena  Offline
Hmmm...thin ice Barn, thin ice..... mad

Re: Smiles for the day [Re: MissLena] #278786
04/30/08 06:35 PM
04/30/08 06:35 PM
Joined: May 2005
Posts: 3,952
Frigin Cold Columbus, Ohio
Otteralum Offline
.
Otteralum  Offline
Amanda, no joke, there was a church in my neighborhood that has a permanent part of their marquee that said "Westerville Presbyterian" at the top and "Join Us" at the bottom -- the only thing that changed every week was the sermon title appearing in-between these unchanging phrases.

One week , as I was walking through, I noticed the topic of the weekly sermon created an unfortunate turn of phrase on the marquee ---

"Westerville Presbyterian.
Hell.
Join Us!"


I will have a Belikin -- put it on klcman's tab.
Re: Smiles for the day [Re: Bill Mc Ghee] #278789
04/30/08 06:47 PM
04/30/08 06:47 PM
Joined: Aug 2000
Posts: 593
Dinorwic On CANADA
gailtor Offline
.
gailtor  Offline
Originally Posted by BiIl Mc Ghee


Q.If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?

A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.



Too funny.. Reaper is this true?? smile

Re: Smiles for the day [Re: gailtor] #278794
04/30/08 07:21 PM
04/30/08 07:21 PM
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 2,781
California
Leah-Ann Offline
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Leah-Ann  Offline
MARRIAGE COUNSELING 101

A husband and wife came for counseling after 20 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 20 years they had been married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness,
loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their mrriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?'

The husband thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish.'


I can never remember which is better . . . safe? . . . or sorry?
Re: Smiles for the day [Re: Leah-Ann] #278796
04/30/08 07:24 PM
04/30/08 07:24 PM
Joined: Sep 2002
Posts: 10,850
Beautiful San Marcos, Texas
E
Ernie B Offline
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Ernie B  Offline
E
Figgers


Gun Control is Hitting Your Target.
Re: Smiles for the day [Re: Ernie B] #278828
05/01/08 07:24 AM
05/01/08 07:24 AM
Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 1,416
maya beach
Barnacle Offline
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Barnacle  Offline
a man who had a speech impediment decide to go to the doctor for some help.
"D-d-d-d-doc, i w-w-w-want to q-q-qiut s-s-s-stuttering."
after some tests the doc replies,
"i believe you problem is caused by stress. you need to release the stress. i as well use to stutter and i found that having my wife give me oral sex 3 times a day relieved all my stress and as you can tell, i was cured. i think you should try to relieve your stress."
"o-o-o-ok doc. i'll t-t-t-try that."
3 weeks later,,,
"so, hows the stutter coming along?"
"good d-d-doc, almost gone. maybe j-j-just a few more weeks."
"by the way doc, you s-s-sure have a nice house."

Re: Smiles for the day [Re: Barnacle] #279459
05/06/08 03:08 PM
05/06/08 03:08 PM
Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 3,677
Maple Grove, MN USA
Bobber Offline
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Bobber  Offline
Now, this is funny! We have soooo many dum dums.



A Florida teacher may have to pull an unemployment check out of his hat after performing magic in front of students, according to reports.

Jim Piculas said he made a toothpick disappear and reappear in front of students at the Rushe Middle School in Land 'O Lakes, Fla., Local6.com reported. He said he later got a call from the supervisor of teachers, saying he had been accused of wizardry.

"I get a call the middle of the day from head of supervisor of substitute teachers. He says, 'Jim, we have a huge issue. You can't take any more assignments. You need to come in right away,'" he told Local6.com.

Piculas said hes concerned the incident may prevent him from being considered for future jobs.



Been there, done that, the washing machine ate the T-shirt
Re: Smiles for the day [Re: Bobber] #279467
05/06/08 03:41 PM
05/06/08 03:41 PM
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 993
S.C.U.S.A
Bill Mc Ghee Offline
.
Bill Mc Ghee  Offline
They Walk Among Us :

I was at the checkout of a K-Mart. The clerk rang up $46.64 charge. I Gave her a fifty dollar bill. She gave me back $46.64. I gave the money back to her and told her that she had made a mistake in my favor. She became indignant and informed me she was educated and knew what she was doing, and returned the money again. I gave her the money back -- same scenario! I departed the store with the $46.64.



I walked into a Starbucks with a buy-one-get-one-free coupon for a Grande Latte. I handed it to the girl and she looked over at a little chalkboard that said 'buy one-get one free.' 'They're already buy-one-get-one-free,' she said, 'so I guess they're both free.' She handed me my free Lattes and I walked out the door.



One day I was walking down the beach with some Friends when one of them shouted, 'Look at that dead bird!' Someone looked up at the sky and said, 'Where?'

They Walk Among Us:

While looking at a house, my brother asked the real Estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the North?' When my brother explained that the sun rises in the East, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, 'Oh, I don't keep up with all that stuff.'



I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, 'The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.' He responded, 'Is that Eastern or Pacific time?' Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, 'Uh, Pacific.'




My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk.



My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10% Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.



I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. 'Now,' she asked me, 'Has your plane arrived yet?'



at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. 'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.'



:


Never Use money to measure wealth
Re: Smiles for the day [Re: Bill Mc Ghee] #279471
05/06/08 04:41 PM
05/06/08 04:41 PM
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 225
North Dakota
Shopgirl Offline
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Shopgirl  Offline
A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book,
and noticed he had his collar on backwards.

The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.

The man, who was a priest, said "I am a Father."

The little boy replied. "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that."

The priest looked up from his book and answered. "I am the Father of
many."

The boy said. "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he
doesn't wear his collar that way!."

The priest, getting impatient, said. "I am the Father of hundreds" and
went
back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and
said,
"Maybe you should wear a condom and put your pants on backwards instead
of
your collar."


"All people smile in the same language"
Re: Smiles for the day [Re: Shopgirl] #279478
05/06/08 05:25 PM
05/06/08 05:25 PM
Joined: May 2000
Posts: 6,826
San Pedro Town, Ambergris Caye...
Amanda Syme Offline OP

.
Amanda Syme  Offline OP
The doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new suit.'
He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.'

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said , 'Let's see. Size 44 long.'

Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit, it fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'

Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'

The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'

Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?

'Been in the business 60 years.'

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop, and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'

Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'

The salesman said, 'Let's see... Size 36.'

Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you , I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'

*
*
*
*
*
*
*
The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.'

New suit - $400
New shirt - $36
New underwear - $6
Second Opinion - PRICELESS

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