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Re: Smiles for the day [Re: VT-CDN] #346517
07/28/09 09:04 AM
07/28/09 09:04 AM
Joined: Jul 2000
Posts: 1,925
inuvi
papashine Offline
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papashine  Offline




This is the proof that we have become too

dependent on our computers.


Question:

Are you Male, or female?

To find out the answer, Look down....

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Look down, not scroll down !










Reality..What a concept!
Re: Smiles for the day [Re: papashine] #346590
07/29/09 08:08 AM
07/29/09 08:08 AM
Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 1,416
maya beach
Barnacle Offline
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Barnacle  Offline
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday. 'I'd like to be six again', she replied, still looking in the mirror.
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day!
He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being six again?'
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. 'I meant my dress size, you retard!'


The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.


Re: Smiles for the day [Re: Barnacle] #346755
07/30/09 06:10 PM
07/30/09 06:10 PM
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 1,206
Ambergris caye
S
SnoopysMom Offline
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SnoopysMom  Offline
S
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon.

As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the birdís chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead,Ē replied the vet.

"How can you be so sure?" she protested.
"I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever.

As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom.

He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room.

A few minutes later he returned with a cat.
The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, ďI'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, But with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, itís now $150."


Re: Smiles for the day [Re: SnoopysMom] #346781
07/30/09 10:42 PM
07/30/09 10:42 PM
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 225
North Dakota
Shopgirl Offline
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Shopgirl  Offline
SKIPPING CHURCH
================

Father Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an
exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he
just had to play golf.

So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and
persuaded him to say Mass for him that day.

As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton
headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away.

This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew
from hi s parish. Setting up on the first tee, he was alone.
After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in
church!

At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while
looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going
to let him get away with this, are you?"

The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not."

Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight
towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell
into the hole.

IT WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE!

St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked,
"Why did you let him do that?"

The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?"



"All people smile in the same language"
Re: Smiles for the day [Re: Shopgirl] #346788
07/31/09 07:39 AM
07/31/09 07:39 AM
Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 1,416
maya beach
Barnacle Offline
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Barnacle  Offline
Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?' The girl
said, 'NO!' And the guy lived happily ever after and rode
motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and
drank beer and scotch and had tons of money in the bank and left the
toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.
The end

Re: Smiles for the day [Re: Barnacle] #346790
07/31/09 07:48 AM
07/31/09 07:48 AM
Joined: Oct 2006
Posts: 2,041
Kansas City MO
KC Jayhawk Offline
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KC Jayhawk  Offline
In keeping with the above:

Some differences between the sexes:

NICKNAMES
a. If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
b. If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT
a. When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
b. When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY
a. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
b. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need because it's on sale.

BATHROOMS
a. A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
b. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these
items.

ARGUMENTS
a. A woman has the last word in any argument.
b. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE
a. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
b. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS
a. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
b. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE
a. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
b. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP
a. A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
b. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL
a. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
b. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING
a. Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
b. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!




When you find a big kettle of crazy, it's best not to stir it.
Re: Smiles for the day [Re: KC Jayhawk] #347078
08/03/09 09:03 PM
08/03/09 09:03 PM
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 1,206
Ambergris caye
S
SnoopysMom Offline
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SnoopysMom  Offline
S
Important public health warning.



I went to a dinner party last night, where I and other guests enjoyed copious amounts of alcohol.

I awoke this morning not feeling well, with what could be described as flu-like symptoms; headache, nausea, chills, sore eyes etc.

From the results of some initial testing, I have unfortunately tested positive for what experts are now calling Wine Flu.

This debilitating condition is very serious-and it appears this is not an isolated case. Reports are flooding in from all around the neighbourhood of others diagnosed with Wine Flu.

To anyone that starts to exhibit the aforementioned tell-tale signs, experts are recommending a cup of tea and a bit of a lie down. However, should your condition worsen, you should immediately hire a DVD and take some Nurofen (Nurofen seems to be the only drug available that has been proven to help combat this unusual type of flu) .



Others are reporting a McDonald's Happy Meal can also help in some cases.

Wine Flu does not need to be life threatening, and if treated early can be eradicated within a 24-48 hour period.

If not, then further application of the original liquid in similar quantities to the original dose has been shown to do the trick.

Good luck!

Re: Smiles for the day [Re: SnoopysMom] #347108
08/04/09 09:41 AM
08/04/09 09:41 AM
Joined: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,972
Coeur d'Alene Idaho, USA
champion Offline
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champion  Offline

Luxury cars are soon to be a thing of the past. They have always been beyond my means but I took out a luxury car last week, just to drive that sucker. The salesman sat in the back seat describing the car and options. The seats were of particular interest. He explained the seats directed warm air to your butt during the winter and directed cool air to your butt in the summer heat. I stated the car must be a Republican car.


He asked why I thought it was a Republican car, and I explained if it were a Democratic car the seats would blow smoke up your ass year round.




Reality is only an illusion that occurs due to a lack of alcohol
Re: Smiles for the day [Re: champion] #347225
08/05/09 11:45 AM
08/05/09 11:45 AM
Joined: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,972
Coeur d'Alene Idaho, USA
champion Offline
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champion  Offline

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader.'

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.

The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.

The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.'

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response.

Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!'

The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't want to do that! I really don't think you should make him mad.'

'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.

Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he
refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, w iser alien who was standing over him shaking his big,green head.

'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?'

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you don't want to mess with a guy who can loop his penis over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.'




































Reality is only an illusion that occurs due to a lack of alcohol
Re: Smiles for the day [Re: champion] #347321
08/06/09 09:33 AM
08/06/09 09:33 AM
Joined: Jul 2000
Posts: 1,925
inuvi
papashine Offline
.
papashine  Offline
Simple but Brilliant and full of truths! Enjoy!
Will Rogers, who died in a 1935 plane crash with his best friend, Wylie Post, was probably the greatest political sage this country ever has known.

Enjoy the following:
1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.



2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.



3. There are two theories to arguing with a woman . . . Neither works.



4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.



5. Always drink upstream from the herd.



6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.



7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back into your pocket.



8. There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation.. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.



9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.



10. If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.



11. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.



12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.



ABOUT GROWING OLDER...

First ~ Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

Second ~ The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

Third ~ Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me; I want people to know 'why' I look this way. I've traveled a long way, and some of the roads weren't paved.

Fourth ~ When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

Fifth ~ You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

Sixth ~ I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.

Seventh ~ One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.

Eighth ~ One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.

Ninth ~ Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

Tenth ~ Long ago, when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today it's called golf.



And, finally ~ If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.


Reality..What a concept!
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