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Re:older then dirt!! [Re: ScubaLdy] #347776
08/10/09 12:23 PM
08/10/09 12:23 PM
Joined: May 2005
Posts: 3,955
Frigin Cold Columbus, Ohio
Otteralum Offline
Otteralum  Offline

I will have a Belikin -- put it on klcman's tab.
Re:older then dirt!! [Re: Otteralum] #347818
08/10/09 03:09 PM
08/10/09 03:09 PM
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 3,281
Arizona USA
azbob Offline
azbob  Offline
The Pastor's Ass

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and
It won.

The pastor was so pleased with the donkey
That he entered it in the Race
Again, and it won again.

The local paper read:


The Bishop was so upset with this kind of
Publicity that he ordered The Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day, the local paper headline


This was too much for the bishop, so he
Ordered the pastor to get Rid Of the donkey.

The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a
Near by convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted
The following headline The Next day:


The bishop fainted.

He informed the nun that she would have to
Get rid of the donkey, so She Sold it to a farmer for $10.

The next day the paper read:


This was too much for the bishop, so he
Ordered the nun to buy back The Donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run Wild.

The next day the headlines read:


The bishop was buried the next day.

The moral of the story is . . . Being Concerned about public opinion Can Bring you much grief and misery .. . Even shorten your Life.

So be yourself and enjoy life.

Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and
You'll be a lot happier And Live longer!

Have A nice day!

"Hold on Tight To Your Dreams" ELO
Re:older then dirt!! [Re: azbob] #347893
08/11/09 10:25 AM
08/11/09 10:25 AM
Joined: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,972
Coeur d'Alene Idaho, USA
champion Offline
champion  Offline
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man.
He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks.
They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings.
The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible!

'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'

'No,' she replies

'You just happened to catch my eye.'

Reality is only an illusion that occurs due to a lack of alcohol
Re:older then dirt!! [Re: champion] #348011
08/12/09 09:20 AM
08/12/09 09:20 AM
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 3,281
Arizona USA
azbob Offline
azbob  Offline
When Grandma goes to Court

Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren’t prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know me?”

She responded, “Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I’ve known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a big shot when haven’t the brains to realize you’ll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you”.

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and ask, “Mrs. Jones do you know the defense attorney?”
She again replied, “Why yes I do. I’ve know Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He’s lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can’t build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.”

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge ask both counselors to approach the bench and then a very quiet voice said,

“If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I’ll send you both to the electric chair.”

"Hold on Tight To Your Dreams" ELO
Re:older then dirt!! [Re: azbob] #348018
08/12/09 09:46 AM
08/12/09 09:46 AM
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 225
North Dakota
Shopgirl Offline
Shopgirl  Offline
Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army.
On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb.
That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.
That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap.
The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

"All people smile in the same language"
Re:older then dirt!! [Re: Shopgirl] #348039
08/12/09 10:20 AM
08/12/09 10:20 AM
Joined: May 2007
Posts: 4,701
Pismo Beach
Rykat Offline
Rykat  Offline
Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant.
While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.
After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya swallar?"

The woman shakes her head, "no.."

Then he asks, "Kin ya breathe?"

The woman begins to turn blue, and again shakes her head, "no."

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress,
yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.
As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.

His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it afore!"

GOP - The Party of Lincoln.
Re:older then dirt!! [Re: Rykat] #348087
08/12/09 01:56 PM
08/12/09 01:56 PM
Joined: Apr 2000
Posts: 8,868
SP Daily Offline
SP Daily  Offline
The Five Stages Of Drunk:

Provided as a public service, you don't have to experience
these stages yourself, at least not all of them!

Stage 1 - SMART
This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject
in the known Universe. You know you know everything and
want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen.
At this stage you are always RIGHT. And of course the
person you are talking to is very WRONG. This makes for
an interesting argument when both parties are SMART.

This is when you realize that you are the BEST LOOKING
person in the entire bar and that people fancy you. You
can go up to a perfect stranger knowing they fancy you
and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you are
still SMART, so you can talk to this person about any
subject under the sun.

Stage 3 - RICH
This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the
world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you
have an armored truck full of money parked behind the bar.
You can also make bets at this stage, because of course,
you are still SMART, so naturally you win all your bets.
It doesn't matter how much you bet 'cos you are RICH. You
will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because
now you are the BEST LOOKING person in the world.

You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone
especially those with whom you have been betting or
arguing. This is because nothing can hurt you. At this
point you can also go up to the partners of the people
who you fancy and challenge to a battle of wits or money.
You have no fear of losing this battle because you are
SMART, you are RICH and hell, you're BETTER LOOKING than
they are anyway!

This is the Final Stage of Drunkenness. At this point you
can do anything because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. You dance on a
table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest
of the people in the room cannot see you. You are also
invisible to the person who wants to fight you. You can
walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs
because no one can see or hear you and because you're
still SMART you know all the words.

Re: Smiles for the day [Re: champion] #348124
08/12/09 09:58 PM
08/12/09 09:58 PM
Joined: May 2007
Posts: 526
Wet Coast of Canada, On an isl...
VT-CDN Offline
VT-CDN  Offline

A Rabbi died and his widow, the Rebbetzin, was so disconsolate that the people of the town decided that
she ought to get married again. The town was so small that the only eligible bachelor was the town butcher.

The poor Rebbetzin was somewhat dismayed, because she had been wed to a scholar, and the butcher
had no great formal education.

However, she was lonely, so she agreed, and they were married.

After the marriage, Friday came. She went to the Mikvah, the Jewish ritual bath to get rid of impurities.

Then she went home to prepare to light the candles.

The butcher leaned over to her and said, "My mother told me that after the mikvah and before lighting the
candles, it's good to have sex."

So they did.

She lit the candles.

He leaned over again and said, "My father told me that after lighting the candles it's good to have sex."

So they did.

They went to bed after saying their prayers. When they awoke he said to her, "My grandmother said that
before you go to the synagogue, it's good to have sex."

So they did.

After praying all morning, they came home to rest; and again he whispers in her ear, "My grandfather says
after praying it's good to have sex."

So they did.

On Sunday, she went out to shop for food and met a friend who asked, "So how is the new husband?"

She replied, "Well, he's no scholar, but he comes from a wonderful family."

a lethal combination of smart dairyair and dumb dairyair .
Re: Smiles for the day [Re: VT-CDN] #348125
08/12/09 10:01 PM
08/12/09 10:01 PM
Joined: May 2007
Posts: 526
Wet Coast of Canada, On an isl...
VT-CDN Offline
VT-CDN  Offline
Dang , keep the threads in line !!!

KIDS , and im betting they can't stitch a itch wink

a lethal combination of smart dairyair and dumb dairyair .
Re: Smiles for the day [Re: VT-CDN] #348126
08/12/09 11:01 PM
08/12/09 11:01 PM
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 225
North Dakota
Shopgirl Offline
Shopgirl  Offline
Only a Minnesota man can make you feel like a woman.

A plane passed through a severe storm. The turbulence
was awful, and things went from bad to worse when
one wing was struck by lightning.
One woman lost it completely. She stood up in the front of the plane and screamed, "I'm too young to die," she cried. Then she yelled, "If I'm going to die, I want my last minutes onearth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane
who can make me feel like a woman?"

For a moment, there was silence. Everyone stared at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then a man from
Minnesota stood up in the rear of the plane. He was
handsome, tall, well built, with dark brown hair And
hazel eyes.
Slowly, he started to walk up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt as he went, one button at a time.
No one moved. He removed his shirt. Muscles rippled
across his chest. She gasped... Then, he spoke...

"Iron this -- and then get me a beer."

"All people smile in the same language"
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