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Re: Smiles for the day [Re: tacogirl] #348441
08/16/09 06:57 PM
08/16/09 06:57 PM
Joined: Nov 2000
Posts: 5,546
Birdland - 1 mile north
ScubaLdy Offline
ScubaLdy  Offline
After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, New York scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion, that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be out-done by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, in California an archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, headlines in the LA Times newspaper read: ‘California archaeologists have found traces of 200 year old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers.'

One week later, a local newspaper in Texas, reported the following: After digging as deep as 30 feet in his 2000 acre pasture near Ingram, Texas, Bubba, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Bubba has therefore
concluded that 300 years ago, Texas had already gone wireless.

Thank God for

Those TEXANS are an intelligent bunch......

Take only pictures leave only bubbles
Re: Smiles for the day [Re: ScubaLdy] #348467
08/16/09 09:21 PM
08/16/09 09:21 PM
Joined: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,972
Coeur d'Alene Idaho, USA
champion Offline
champion  Offline

Reality is only an illusion that occurs due to a lack of alcohol
Re: Smiles for the day [Re: champion] #348473
08/17/09 12:07 AM
08/17/09 12:07 AM
Joined: Nov 2000
Posts: 5,546
Birdland - 1 mile north
ScubaLdy Offline
ScubaLdy  Offline
Mermaid or a Whale

Recently, in large French city, a poster featuring a young, thin and tan woman appeared in the window of a gym. It said:


A middle aged woman, whose physical characteristics did not match those of the woman on the poster, responded publicly to the question posed by the gym.

To Whom It May Concern:

Whales are always surrounded by friends (dolphins, sea lions, curious humans). They have an active sex life, they get pregnant and have adorable baby whales. They have a wonderful time with dolphins stuffing themselves with shrimp. They play and swim in the seas, seeing wonderful places like Patagonia, the Barren Sea and the coral reefs of Polynesia . Whales are wonderful singers and have even recorded CDs. They are incredible creatures and virtually have no predators other than humans. They are loved, protected and admired by almost everyone in the world.

Mermaids don't exist. If they did exist, they would be lining up outside the offices of Argentinean psychoanalysts due to identity crisis. Fish or human? They don't have a sex life because they kill men who get close to them; not to mention how could they have sex? Therefore they don't have kids either. Not to mention who wants to get close to a girl who smells like a fish store?

The choice is perfectly clear to me; I want to be a whale.

P.S. We are in an age when media puts into our heads the idea that only skinny people are beautiful, but I prefer to enjoy an ice cream with my kids, a good dinner with a man who makes me shiver and a piece of chocolate with my friends. With time we gain weight because we accumulate so much information and wisdom in our heads that when there is no more room it distributes out to the rest of our bodies. So we aren't heavy, we are enormously cultured, educated and happy. Beginning today, when I look at my butt in the mirror I will think, Good heavens, look how smart I am.

ADDED BY ME: Thanks to the books and HBO series "The No.1 Ladies Detective Agency" I have learned that I am not fat, I am a Traditionally Built Woman.

Take only pictures leave only bubbles
Re: Smiles for the day [Re: ScubaLdy] #348501
08/17/09 10:01 AM
08/17/09 10:01 AM
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 225
North Dakota
Shopgirl Offline
Shopgirl  Offline

Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement -- not even her parent's nasty divorce. Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the best-dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!
A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother! Jennifer asked her father's new young wife to exchange it, but she refused. 'Absolutely not, I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm Wearing it,' she replied.

Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, 'Never mind sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day.' A few days later, they went shopping and did find another gorgeous dress. When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, 'Aren't you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it. Her mother just smiled and replied, 'Of course I do, dear. I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding.'

"All people smile in the same language"
Re: Smiles for the day [Re: Shopgirl] #348643
08/18/09 11:50 AM
08/18/09 11:50 AM
Joined: Jul 2000
Posts: 1,925
papashine Offline
papashine  Offline

Subject: Gordon the Chicken

Trevor the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several
hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets' and eight or ten
roosters, to fertilize the pullets' eggs.

Trevor kept records and any rooster that didn't perform
went into the
soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time so he
bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his
roosters. Each bell
had a different tone so Trevor could tell from a distance, which
rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an
efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.

The farmer's favourite rooster was Gordon, and a very fine
specimen he
was too, but on this particular morning Trevor noticed Gordon's bell
hadn't rung at all!

Trevor went to investigate.

The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing.
The pullets,
hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover but to
farmer Trevor's
amazement, Gordon had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.

He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

Trevor was so proud of Gordon, he entered him into the London
Exhibition and Gordon became an overnight sensation among
the judges.

The Result?

The judges not only awarded Gordon the No Bell Piece Prize but they
also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.

Clearly Gordon was a politician in the making: Who else
but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly
coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on
the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

Do you know a Politician called Gordon?

Reality..What a concept!
Re: Smiles for the day [Re: papashine] #348646
08/18/09 11:59 AM
08/18/09 11:59 AM
Joined: Jul 2000
Posts: 1,925
papashine Offline
papashine  Offline

Bullshit and Brilliance
A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa , taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.

One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost.. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading
rapidly in his direction with the intention of
having lunch.

The old poodle thinks, 'Oh, oh! I'm in deep dodo now!' Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, 'Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?'

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees... 'Whew!' says the leopard, 'That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!'

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can
put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, 'Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, 'What am I going to do now?', but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says.

'Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!

Moral of this story....

Don't mess with old farts .. age and treachery will always overcome
youth and skill! Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience.

Reality..What a concept!
Re: Smiles for the day [Re: papashine] #348662
08/18/09 03:33 PM
08/18/09 03:33 PM
Joined: Jul 2000
Posts: 1,925
papashine Offline
papashine  Offline

A man was sitting on the sofa watching TV when he heard his wife's voice from the kitchen.

What would you like for dinner Love?

He said Thank you, I'll have chicken.

F##K You, says his wife, You're having soup, I was talking to the cat.

Reality..What a concept!
Re: Smiles for the day [Re: papashine] #348668
08/18/09 04:11 PM
08/18/09 04:11 PM
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 993
Bill Mc Ghee Offline
Bill Mc Ghee  Offline
A man feared his wife
Peg wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a
Hearing aid.

Not quite sure how to
Approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.

The Doctor told him
There is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a
Better idea about her hearing loss.

Here's what you do,'
Said the Doctor, 'stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal
Conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then
20 feet, and so on until you get a response.'

That evening, the wife
Is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself,
'I' m about 40 feet away, let's see what happens.'

Then in a normal tone he
Asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

No response.

So the husband moves
Closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeat s, 'Peg, what's
For dinner?'

Still no response.

Next he moves into the
Dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, 'Honey, what's
For dinner?'

Again he gets no

S o, he walks up to the
Kitchen door, about 10 feet away. 'Honey, what's for dinner?' Again there is no

So he walks right up
Behind her. 'Peg, what's for dinner?'

'Frank, for the FIFTH F*ckin'

Never Use money to measure wealth
Re: Smiles for the day [Re: Bill Mc Ghee] #348702
08/18/09 11:14 PM
08/18/09 11:14 PM
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 225
North Dakota
Shopgirl Offline
Shopgirl  Offline

I was shopping at the local supermarket where I

A half-gallon of 2% milk

A carton of eggs

A quart of orange juice

A head of romaine lettuce

A 2 lb. can of coffee

1 lb. package of bacon

As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to
check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the
drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."

I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was
intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I was indeed single.

I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing
particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of me, I said: "Well, you know what, ... you're absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

"All people smile in the same language"
Re: Smiles for the day [Re: Shopgirl] #348717
08/19/09 08:48 AM
08/19/09 08:48 AM
Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 1,416
maya beach
Barnacle Offline
Barnacle  Offline
at an elderly nursing home a women patient was beginning to act up during the noon meal.
she would go from table to table lifting up her moo-moo and holler
on to the next table, "SUPER PUSSY", and the next "SUPER PUSSY".
then at a table full of crumpy old men she once again raised her dress,,"SUPER PUSSY".
one man looked up, scratched his chin and said, "I'll have the soup."

Page 158 of 370 1 2 156 157 158 159 160 369 370

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