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Re: Smiles for the day [Re: Barnacle] #348721
08/19/09 09:23 AM
08/19/09 09:23 AM
Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 3,677
Maple Grove, MN USA
Bobber Offline
.
Bobber  Offline
On my 70th birthday, I received a gift certificate from my wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on the Pima Indian reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction. After being persuaded, I drove to the reservation, handed my certificate to the medicine man and nervously awaited what would happen next.


The old man slowly and methodically produced a potion, handed it to me, and with a grip on my shoulder, warned, "This is powerful medicine and it must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful and then say '1-2-3.' When you do that, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want."

I was encouraged. As I walked away, I turned and asked, "How do I stop the action of the medicine?" "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,' he responded. "But when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

I was very eager to see if it worked so I went home, showered, shaved, fluffed up the three remaining hairs I have on my head, put on lots of cologne, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited my wife to join me in the bedroom. When she came in, I took off my clothes and said, "1-2-3!"

Immediately, the glory of my manhood expanded to fulfill both of our longings. My wife was so excited that she began ripping off her clothes. When almost fully disrobed, she asked, "Honey, what was the 1-2-3 for?"

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition! Otherwise you will end up with a dangling participle.


Been there, done that, the washing machine ate the T-shirt
Re: Smiles for the day [Re: Bobber] #348724
08/19/09 09:55 AM
08/19/09 09:55 AM
Joined: Jul 2000
Posts: 1,925
inuvi
papashine Offline
.
papashine  Offline
THE WEDDING TEST I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me....It was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, had great legs, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view.. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else. One day the 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations . She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling that you will never forget, just come up and get me.' I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lord... And behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.' And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car!


Reality..What a concept!
Re: Smiles for the day [Re: Bobber] #348727
08/19/09 10:19 AM
08/19/09 10:19 AM
Joined: Feb 2003
Posts: 2,429
MD
dogmatic prevaricator Offline
.
dogmatic prevaricator  Offline
Originally Posted by Bobber
On my 70th birthday, I received a gift certificate from my wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on the Pima Indian reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction. After being persuaded, I drove to the reservation, handed my certificate to the medicine man and nervously awaited what would happen next.


The old man slowly and methodically produced a potion, handed it to me, and with a grip on my shoulder, warned, "This is powerful medicine and it must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful and then say '1-2-3.' When you do that, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want."

I was encouraged. As I walked away, I turned and asked, "How do I stop the action of the medicine?" "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,' he responded. "But when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

I was very eager to see if it worked so I went home, showered, shaved, fluffed up the three remaining hairs I have on my head, put on lots of cologne, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited my wife to join me in the bedroom. When she came in, I took off my clothes and said, "1-2-3!"

Immediately, the glory of my manhood expanded to fulfill both of our longings. My wife was so excited that she began ripping off her clothes. When almost fully disrobed, she asked, "Honey, what was the 1-2-3 for?"

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition! Otherwise you will end up with a dangling participle.


Couple of things Bobber, first, happy belated birthday, second, I don't think there are many people here with a hard on for good grammar. smile


If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
Re: Smiles for the day [Re: dogmatic prevaricator] #348752
08/19/09 03:20 PM
08/19/09 03:20 PM
Joined: Jul 2000
Posts: 1,925
inuvi
papashine Offline
.
papashine  Offline
Tinkle



A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a
healthy son.

All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in
tears. 'What's wrong?' asked the mother. 'I was taking a tinkle and this bullet
came out,' replied the daughter.

The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago
About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears. 'Mom,
I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out.' Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years
ago.

A week later her son walked into the room in tears. 'It's okay' said the Mom, 'I know what happened You were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out.'

'No,' said the boy, 'I was playing with myself and I shot the dog.'


Reality..What a concept!
Re: Smiles for the day [Re: papashine] #348816
08/20/09 11:05 AM
08/20/09 11:05 AM
Joined: Nov 2000
Posts: 5,546
Birdland - 1 mile north
ScubaLdy Offline
.
ScubaLdy  Offline
FORGETTER BE FORGOTTEN

My forgetter’s getting better,
But my rememberer is broke.
To you that my seem funny
But, to me, that is no joke.

For when I’m ‘here’ I’m wondering
If I really should be ‘there?
And when I try to think it through
I haven’t got a prayer1

Off times I walk into a room,
Say ‘what am I here for?’
I wrack my brain, but all in vain!
A zero is my score.

At times I put something away
Where it is safe, but gee1
The person it is safest from
Is generally me!

When shopping I may see someone
Say ‘Hi’ and have a chat,
Then, when the person walks away
I ask myself, ‘Who the hell was that?’

Yes, my forgetter’s getting better
While my rememberer is broke,
And it’s driving me plumb crazy
And that isn’t any joke.


Harriette
Take only pictures leave only bubbles
Re: Smiles for the day [Re: ScubaLdy] #348894
08/21/09 08:58 AM
08/21/09 08:58 AM
Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 1,416
maya beach
Barnacle Offline
.
Barnacle  Offline
In order to continue getting-by in America (our home land), we all need to learn the NEW English language! Practice by reading the following conversation until you are able to understand the term "TENJOOBERRYMUDS"..

With a little patience, you'll be able to fit right in.. Now, here goes...

The following is a telephone exchange between maybe you as a hotel guest and call room-service somewhere in the good old USA today......

Room Service : "Morrin. Roon sirbees."

Guest : "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."

Room Service: " Rye . Roon sirbees...morrin! Joowish to oddor sunteen???"

Guest: "Uh..... Yes, I'd like to order bacon and eggs."

Room Service: "Ow July den?"

Guest: ".....What??"

Room Service: "Ow July den?!?... pryed, boyud, poochd?"

Guest: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry.. scrambled, please."

Room Service: "Ow July dee baykem? Crease?"

Guest: "Crisp will be fine."

Room Service: "Hokay. An Sahn toes?"

Guest: "What?"

Room Service: "An toes. July Sahn toes?"

Guest: "I... don't think so."

RoomService: "No? Judo wan sahn toes???"

Guest: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo wan sahn toes' means."

RoomService: "Toes! Toes!...Why Joo don Juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we bodder?"

Guest: "Oh, English muffin!!! I've got it! You were saying 'toast'... Fine...Yes, an English muffin will be fine."

RoomService: "We bodder?"

Guest: "No, just put the bodder on the side."

RoomService: "Wad?!?"

Guest: "I mean butter... just put the butter on the side."

RoomService: "Copy?"

Guest: "Excuse me?"

RoomService: "Copy...tea..meel?"

Guest: "Yes. Coffee, please... and that's everything."

RoomService: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin, we bodder on sigh and copy ... rye??"

Guest: "Whatever you say."

RoomService: "Tenjooberrymuds."

Guest: "You're welcome"

Remember I said "By the time you read through this YOU WILL UNDERSTAND 'TENJOOBERRYMUDS' ".....and you do, don't you!




Re: Smiles for the day [Re: Barnacle] #349025
08/22/09 04:15 PM
08/22/09 04:15 PM
Joined: Jul 2000
Posts: 1,925
inuvi
papashine Offline
.
papashine  Offline







Garfield on the oil crisis



A lot of folks can't understand how we came
to have an oil shortage here in Canada .

Well, there's a very simple answer,
Nobody bothered to check the oil.

We just didn't know we were getting low.

The reason for this is purely geographical.

Our Oil is located in:

ALBERTA

SASKATCHEWAN

BRITISH COLUMBIA
MANITOBA
COASTAL NEW BRUNSWICK
COASTAL NEWFOUNDLAND


Our DIPSTICKS are located in OTTAWA


Any Questions ???
NO ?.... Didn't think so.



Reality..What a concept!
Re: Smiles for the day [Re: dogmatic prevaricator] #349028
08/22/09 05:17 PM
08/22/09 05:17 PM
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 3,157
Plano,Tx
pugwash Offline

.
pugwash  Offline
Originally Posted by dogmatic prevaricator
Couple of things Bobber, first, happy belated birthday, second, I don't think there are many people here with a hard on for good grammar. smile

He doesn't have a hard on....that’s the whole point of the story...and its spelled Grandma wink


It's rarely rocket science, it's usually just math: then again if you can't do the math.......
Re: Smiles for the day [Re: pugwash] #349035
08/23/09 07:38 AM
08/23/09 07:38 AM
Joined: Feb 2003
Posts: 2,429
MD
dogmatic prevaricator Offline
.
dogmatic prevaricator  Offline
Originally Posted by pugwash
Originally Posted by dogmatic prevaricator
Couple of things Bobber, first, happy belated birthday, second, I don't think there are many people here with a hard on for good grammar. smile

He doesn't have a hard on....that’s the whole point of the story...and its spelled Grandma wink


precisely, as a result of poor grandma. smile


If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
Re: Smiles for the day [Re: dogmatic prevaricator] #349071
08/23/09 11:03 PM
08/23/09 11:03 PM
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 225
North Dakota
Shopgirl Offline
.
Shopgirl  Offline
AN ITALIAN BOYS CONFESSION


'Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
I have been with a loose girl'.

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?'

'Yes, Father, it is.'

'And who was the girl you were with?'

'I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation'.

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later
so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'

'I cannot say..'

'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'

'I'll never tell.'

'Was it Nina Capelli?'

'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

'Was it Cathy Piriano?'

'My lips are sealed.'

'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'

'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration.
'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that.
But you've sinned and have to atone.
You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months.
Now you go and behave yourself.'

Joey walks back to his pew,
and his friend Franco slides over and whispers,
'What'd you get?'

'Four months vacation and five good leads.'


"All people smile in the same language"
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