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Re: Smiles for the day [Re: VT-CDN] #352882
09/30/09 02:26 PM
09/30/09 02:26 PM
Joined: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,972
Coeur d'Alene Idaho, USA
champion Offline
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champion  Offline
A blonde and her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor's barking dog.
It has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours.
The blonde jumps up out of bed and says, "I've had enough of this."
With that, she goes downstairs.
The blonde finally comes back up to bed and her husband says, " The dog is still barking, what have you been doing?"
The blonde says, "I put the dog in our backyard, let's see how THEY like it!!!"


Reality is only an illusion that occurs due to a lack of alcohol
Re: Smiles for the day [Re: champion] #353250
10/03/09 10:25 AM
10/03/09 10:25 AM
Joined: Jul 2000
Posts: 1,925
inuvi
papashine Offline
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papashine  Offline


New Direction for the war on terrorists.

Send Service Vets over 60.

I am over 60 and the Armed Forces think I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing ass backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.

For starters:

Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.

Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry. We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.

An 18 -year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys always get up early to pee so what the hell. Besides, like I said, I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch.

If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.

Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at, and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.

They could lighten up on the obstacle course, however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training. I can hear the Drill Sgt. in the New army now, 'Get down and give me ... ER ... one.'

Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.

These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.

Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see right now is a couple of million pissed-off old farts with attitude and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them.

If nothing else, put us on border patrol...we will have it secured the first night!

Share this with your senior friends. It's purposely in big type so they can read it


Reality..What a concept!
Re: Smiles for the day [Re: papashine] #353255
10/03/09 11:04 AM
10/03/09 11:04 AM
Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 2,200
Texas
divingcowgirl Offline
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divingcowgirl  Offline
CAJUN ANGELS

Gabriel came to the Lord and said, "I have to talk to you.. I have some Cajuns up
here in Heaven who are causing some problems.
They are swinging on The pearly gates, sliding down stairway to Heaven, and my
horn is missing!
They play their accordions and dance all night!
Crawfish shells and beer cans are all over the streets of gold and they're making
sausage, boudin, and cracklins on every corner.
There is rice all over the clouds! They have eaten almost every animal up here!
Some folks are walking around with one wing missing.
There is barbecue sauce all over their robes and some of them aren't even wearing
their halos, saying they won't wear it because it doesn't have an LSU logo on it.
The Lord said, "I made them special, as I did you, my angel. Heaven is home to
all my children. If you really want to know about problems, let's call the Devil and
see how he is dealing with his Cajuns."
The Devil answered the phone, "Hello? Dang it, hold on!"
The Devil returned to the phone and said, "Hello God, what can I do for you?"
God replied, "Tell me what kind of problems you are having down there with the
Cajuns you have there."
The Devil said, "Wait a minute," and puts the Lord on hold...
After 5 minutes he returned to the phone, and said, "Okay, I'm back.
What's the question?"
God asked again, "What kind of problems are you having with the Cajuns down there?"
The Devil said, "Man, I don't believe this... Hold on, God..."
This time, the Devil was gone for 15 minutes. c
The Devil returned and said, "I'm sorry, God, I can't talk right now.
These coonasses have done put out the fire, and are holding a benefit jambalaya
dinner to install air conditioning!!"



Take the road less traveled
Re: Smiles for the day [Re: divingcowgirl] #353305
10/03/09 04:07 PM
10/03/09 04:07 PM
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 225
North Dakota
Shopgirl Offline
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Shopgirl  Offline

Golf

A father, son and grandson went to the country club for their weekly round of golf. Just as they reached the first tee, a beautiful young blonde woman carrying her bag of clubs approached them.

She explained that the member who brought her to the club for a round of golf had an emergency that called him away and asked the trio whether she could join them.

Naturally, the guys all agreed.

Smiling,the blonde thanked them and said, 'Look, fellows, I work in a topless bar as a dancer, so nothing shocks me anymore. If any of you want to smoke cigars, have a beer, bet, swear, tell off-color stories or do anything that you normally do when playing a round together, go ahead. But, I enjoy playing golf, consider myself pretty good at it, so don't try to coach me on how to play my shots.'

With that the guys agreed to relax and invited her to drive first.

All eyes were fastened on her shapely behind as she bent to place her ball on the tee. She then took her driver and hit the ball 270 yards down the middle, right in front of the green.

The father's mouth was agape. 'That was beautiful,' he said.

The blonde put her driver away and said, 'I really didn't get into it, and I faded it a little.'

After the three guys hit their drives and their second shots, the blonde took out an eight iron and lofted the ball within five feet of the hole. (She was closest to the pin.)

The son said, 'Damn, lady, you played that perfectly.'

The blonde frowned and said, 'It was a little weak, but even an easy seven would have been too much club. I've left a tricky little putt.' She then tapped in the five-footer for a birdie.

Having the honors, she drove first on the second hole, knocked the heck out of the ball, and it landed nearly 300 yards away smack in the middle of the fairway.

For the rest of the round the statuesque blonde continued to amaze the guys, quietly and methodically shooting for par or less on every hole.

When they arrived at the 18th green, the blonde was three under par, and had a very nasty 12-foot putt on an undulating green for a par.

She turned to the three guys and said, 'I really want to thank you all for not acting like a bunch of chauvinists and telling me what club to use or how to play a shot, but I need this putt for a 69 and I'd really like to break 70 on this course.

If any one of you can tell me how to make par on this hole I'll take him back to my apartment, pour some 35-year-old Single Malt Strath Mill Scotch in him, fix him a steak dinner and then show him a very good time the rest of the night.'

The yuppie son jumped at the thought! He strolled across the green, carefully eyeing the line of the putt and finally said, 'Honey, aim about 6 inches to the right of the hole and hit it firm. It will get over that little hump and break right into the cup.'

The father knelt down and sighted the putt using his putter as a plumb. 'Don't listen to the kid, darlin', you want to hit it softly 10 inches to the right and let it run left down that little hogback, so it falls into the cup.'

The old gray-haired grandfather walked over to the blonde's ball, picked it up and handed it to her and said, 'That's a gimme, sweetheart.'

The blonde smiled and said, 'Your car or mine?'


"All people smile in the same language"
Re: Smiles for the day [Re: Shopgirl] #353327
10/03/09 07:05 PM
10/03/09 07:05 PM
Joined: May 2007
Posts: 526
Wet Coast of Canada, On an isl...
VT-CDN Offline
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VT-CDN  Offline
A Catholic priest, an Indian doctor, a rich Chinese businessman and an
Italian from New Jersey were waiting one morning for a particularly slow
group of golfers in front of them.

The Italian from New Jersey fumed, 'What's with those jerks? We're waiting
fifteen minutes between shots!'

The Indian doctor chimed in, 'I don't know, but I've never seen such poor
golf!'

The Chinese businessman called out, 'Move it, time is money!'

The Catholic priest said, 'Here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word
with him. Excuse me, sir!' said the priest, 'What's wrong with that group
ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?'

The greens keeper replied, 'Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters.
They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we
always let them play for free anytime.'

The group fell silent for a moment...

The Catholic priest said, 'That's so sad. I think I will say a
special prayer for them tonight.'

The Indian doctor said, 'Good idea.. I'm going to contact my
ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything that he might be able
to do for them..'

The Chinese businessman replied, 'I think I'll donate $50,000 to the fire
fighters union in honor of these brave souls!'

The Italian from New Jersey said, 'Why the f#@k can't they play at night?


a lethal combination of smart dairyair and dumb dairyair .
Re: Smiles for the day [Re: VT-CDN] #353329
10/03/09 07:14 PM
10/03/09 07:14 PM
Joined: Apr 2000
Posts: 8,868
S
SP Daily Offline
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SP Daily  Offline
S
Musta been Rykat...

Re: Smiles for the day [Re: SP Daily] #353330
10/03/09 07:46 PM
10/03/09 07:46 PM
Joined: Nov 2002
Posts: 2,487
Belize
Short Offline
.
Short  Offline
BTL HAS CHANGED THEIR NAME AGAIN!!
Old name: Belize Telecommunications Limited
Last name: Belize Telemedia Limited
New name: Barrow's Telecommunications Limited


Live and let live
Re: Smiles for the day [Re: Short] #353332
10/03/09 07:52 PM
10/03/09 07:52 PM
Joined: Apr 2000
Posts: 8,868
S
SP Daily Offline
.
SP Daily  Offline
S
So you must be an Ashcroft guy, eh?

Re: Smiles for the day [Re: SP Daily] #353334
10/03/09 07:57 PM
10/03/09 07:57 PM
Joined: Nov 2002
Posts: 2,487
Belize
Short Offline
.
Short  Offline
No, I just think it's a funny joke.


Live and let live
Re: Smiles for the day [Re: Short] #353438
10/05/09 10:51 AM
10/05/09 10:51 AM
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 3,281
Arizona USA
azbob Offline
.
azbob  Offline
The Crocodile Diet....

Two crocodiles were sitting at the side of the swamp near the lake. The smaller croc turned to the bigger one and said, "I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age; we were the same size as kids. I just don't get it."

"Well," said the big croc, "what have you been eating?"

"Politicians, same as you," replied the small croc.

"Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?"

"Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot by the capitol."

"Same here. Hmm. How do you catch them?"

"Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the sh*t out of them and eat 'em!"

"Ah!" says the big crocodile, "I think I see your problem. You're not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the sh*t out of a politician, there's nothing left but an a**hole and a briefcase."


"Hold on Tight To Your Dreams" ELO
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