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Re: Smiles for the day [Re: INFIDEL] #354615
10/14/09 09:01 PM
10/14/09 09:01 PM
Joined: May 2007
Posts: 526
Wet Coast of Canada, On an isl...
VT-CDN Offline
VT-CDN  Offline

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident in the Bay
Of Fundy, Nova Scotia, a man answered his door to find two grim-faced
Mounties. "We know it's late, sir, but we have some information about
your wife," said one of the Mounties.

"Tell me! Did you find her!?" the husband shouted.

The Mounties looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news,
some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear
first?" Fearing the worst, the ashen husband said "Give me the bad news

The second Mountie said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning
we found your wife's body in the bay." "Oh my God!" exclaimed the

Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?" The Mountie
continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 6 twenty-five pound snow
crabs and 12 good-size lobsters clinging to her." Stunned, the husband
demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news???"

The Mountie answered, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow."

Just 4 NS Nuts

a lethal combination of smart dairyair and dumb dairyair .
Re: Smiles for the day [Re: VT-CDN] #354623
10/14/09 10:25 PM
10/14/09 10:25 PM
Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 3,046
Peter Jones Offline
Peter Jones  Offline
The priest in a small Irish village loved the rooster and ten hens that he kept in the hen house behind the church.

One Sunday morning, before mass, he went to feed the birds and discovered that the cock was missing.

He knew there had been cock fights in the village, so he decided to question his parishioners in church.

During mass, he asked the congregation 'Has anybody here got a cock?'

All the men raised their hands.

'No, no,' he said, 'that wasn't what I meant at all, at all. No, has anybody seen a cock?'

All the women put up their hands.

'No, no,' he said, 'that wasn't what I meant at all, at all. No, has anybody here seen a cock that isn't theirs?'

Half the women put their hands up.

'No, no,' he said, 'that wasn't what I meant at all at all. Has anybody seen MY cock?'

Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up. The priest fainted.

Re: Smiles for the day [Re: Peter Jones] #354721
10/15/09 05:42 PM
10/15/09 05:42 PM
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 9
Al Qayyarah, Iraq
INFIDEL  Offline
A Rabbi & a Priest were sitting on a park bench when a little boy walked by. The Priest says "let's go screw that boy" & the Rabbi asks "out of what"?

Reality is a nasty side effect of Sobriety.
Re: Smiles for the day [Re: INFIDEL] #354779
10/16/09 10:01 AM
10/16/09 10:01 AM
Joined: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,972
Coeur d'Alene Idaho, USA
champion Offline
champion  Offline

AMUSING ANALYSIS - - - - -Interesting Logic

Ignore all the fuel savings, etc and just look at how the car buyer got taken to the cleaners:

If you traded in a clunker worth $3500, you get $4500 off for an apparent "savings" of $1000. That is, you could have gotten $3,500 if you had just traded the car in. So you just really are $1,000 ahead at this point.

However, you have to pay taxes on the $4500 come April 15th (something that no auto dealer will tell you). If you are in the 30% tax bracket, you will pay $1350 on that $4500.

So, rather than save $1000, you actually pay an extra $350 to the feds. In addition, you traded in a car that was most likely paid for. Now you have 4 or 5 years of payments on a car that you did not need, that was costing you less to run than the payments that you will now be making.

But wait, it gets even better: you also got ripped off by the dealer. For example, every dealer here in LA was selling the Ford Focus with all the goodies including A/C, auto transmission, power windows, etc for $12,500 the month before the "cash for clunkers" program started.

When "cash for clunkers" came along, they stopped discounting them and instead sold them at the list price of $15,500. So, you paid $3000 more than you would have the month before. (Honda, Toyota , and Kia played the same list price game that Ford and Chevy did).

So lets do the final tally here:

You traded in a car worth: $3500

You got a discount of: $4500
Net so far +$1000

But you have to pay: $1350 in taxes on the $4500
Net so far: -$350

And you paid: $3000 more than the car was selling for the month before
Net -$3350

We could also add in the additional taxes (sales tax, state tax, etc.) on the extra $3000 that you paid for the car, along with the 5 years of interest on the car loan but lets just stop here.

So who actually made out on the deal? The feds collected taxes on the car along with taxes on the $4500 they "gave" you. The car dealers made an extra $3000 or more on every car they sold along with the kickbacks from the manufacturers and the loan companies. The manufacturers got to dump lots of cars they could not give away the month before. And the poor consumer got saddled with even more debt that they cannot afford.

The governments merry men convinced Joe consumer that he was getting $4500 in "free" money from the "government" when in fact Joe was giving away his $3500 car and paying an additional $3350 for the privilege.

Reality is only an illusion that occurs due to a lack of alcohol
Re: Smiles for the day [Re: champion] #354911
10/17/09 07:15 PM
10/17/09 07:15 PM
Joined: May 2007
Posts: 526
Wet Coast of Canada, On an isl...
VT-CDN Offline
VT-CDN  Offline

One hot summer day, a blonde came to town with her dog,
tied it under the shade of a tree, and headed into a
restaurant for something cold to drink.

Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the restaurant
and asked, "Who owns the dog tied under that tree

The blonde said it was hers.

"Your dog seems to be in heat," the officer said.

The blonde replied, "No way. She's cool 'cause
she's tied up under that shade tree."

The policeman said, "No! You don't understand.
Your dog needs to be bred."

"No way," said the blonde. "My dog
doesn't need bread. She isn't hungry 'cause I
fed her this mornin."

The exasperated policeman said, "NO! You don't
understand. Your dog wants to have sex!"

(You gotta love this)

The blonde looked at the cop and said, "Well, go
ahead. I always wanted a police dog."

a lethal combination of smart dairyair and dumb dairyair .
Re: Smiles for the day [Re: VT-CDN] #354986
10/18/09 08:52 PM
10/18/09 08:52 PM
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 9
Al Qayyarah, Iraq
INFIDEL  Offline
A little boy told him mom he had diarrhea and needed Viagra.

Puzzled she asked why?

He said you tell dad all the time if he took Viagra his sh*t would get hard!

Re: Smiles for the day [Re: INFIDEL] #355015
10/19/09 09:15 AM
10/19/09 09:15 AM
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 3,281
Arizona USA
azbob Offline
azbob  Offline
Bob works hard at the office but spends two nights each week bowling,
and plays golf every Saturday.

His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday
she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Bob! How ya

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

'Oh no,' says Bob. 'He's in my bowling league.

When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and
brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did
she know that you drink Budweiser?'

'I recognize her; she's the waitress from the golf club.

I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.'

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around
Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says,

'Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?'

Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab.

Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken
him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4
letter word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says,

'Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time.'

BOB's funeral will be on Friday.

- Do have a funfilled week.

"Hold on Tight To Your Dreams" ELO
Re: Smiles for the day [Re: azbob] #355059
10/19/09 03:13 PM
10/19/09 03:13 PM
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 225
North Dakota
Shopgirl Offline
Shopgirl  Offline
A very old man lie dying in his bed. In death's doorway, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookie wafting up the stairs.
He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands.
With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven.
There, spread out upon newspapers on the kitchen table, were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world as a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table. The aged and withered hand, shaking, made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when he was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.
'Stay out of those,' she said, ' they're for the wake!'

"All people smile in the same language"
Re: Smiles for the day [Re: Shopgirl] #355295
10/21/09 09:38 AM
10/21/09 09:38 AM
Joined: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,972
Coeur d'Alene Idaho, USA
champion Offline
champion  Offline
A female police officer arrests a man for drunk driving.

She tells the man, "Sir, you have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be held against you..."

The drunk says:


Reality is only an illusion that occurs due to a lack of alcohol
Re: Smiles for the day [Re: champion] #355304
10/21/09 11:18 AM
10/21/09 11:18 AM
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 3,281
Arizona USA
azbob Offline
azbob  Offline
Someone had to remind me,so I'm reminding you, too.
Don't laugh....

It is all true!

Perks of reaching
or being over
And heading

are not very
interested in you.

In a hostage situation,
you are likely to be
released first.

No one expects
you to run --

People call at 9 PM
and ask,
'Did I wake you?'

People no longer
view you as a

There is nothing left
to learn the hard way.

Things you buy now
won't wear out.

You can eat
supper at 4 PM.

You can live
'without sex
but not your glasses.

You get into
heated arguments
about pension plans.

You no longer think
of speed limits
as a challenge.

You quit trying
to hold
your stomach in
no matter who walks
into the room.

You sing along
with elevator music.

Your eyes
won't get
much worse.

Your investment
in health insurance
is finally beginning
to pay off.

Your joints are more
accurate meteorologists
than the national
weather service.

Your secrets are safe
with your friends
because they can't
remember them either.

Your supply of braincells
is finally down to
a manageable size.

You can't remember
who sent you this list.

And you notice these are all in big print for your convenience.


Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill, and a laxative on the same night!

"Hold on Tight To Your Dreams" ELO
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