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Re: Smiles for the day [Re: VT-CDN] #364335
01/16/10 10:34 PM
01/16/10 10:34 PM
Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 53
Houston, TX
CindyO Offline
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CindyO  Offline
A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be ok, you'll walk again and everything, but your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch."

The man perks up. "So," the doctor says,"You must decide how many inches you want. But I understand that you haver been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."

The man agrees to talk it over with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"

"Yes I have," says the man.

"And has she helped you make a decision?"

"Yes" says the man.

"What is your decision?" asks the doctor.

"We're getting granite countertops."

Re: Smiles for the day [Re: CindyO] #364451
01/18/10 11:43 AM
01/18/10 11:43 AM
Joined: Nov 2000
Posts: 5,546
Birdland - 1 mile north
ScubaLdy Offline
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ScubaLdy  Offline

ALWAYS ASK, NEVER ASSUME !!

His request approved, the CNN News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight.

He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport..
Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger.

He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go'.
The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.

Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, 'Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.'
'Why?' asked the pilot.
'Because I'm a photographer for CNN' , he responded, 'and I need to get some close up shots.'
The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, 'So, what you're telling me, is . . . You're NOT my flight instructor?'




"Life is short.
Drink the good wine first"


Harriette
Take only pictures leave only bubbles
Re: Smiles for the day [Re: ScubaLdy] #364467
01/18/10 01:28 PM
01/18/10 01:28 PM
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 13,038
San Pedro Belize
elbert Offline
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elbert  Offline
Jack and 24
the following takes place ... the day after.

7 a.m. Jack catches up on some well-needed rest.

8 a.m. Jack continues to sleep.

9 a.m. Jack wakes up briefly, looks at his alarm clock, mutters something about how someone who saved the world deserves five more minutes, and goes back to sleep again.

10 a.m. Jack is woken by his secure phone. It is, however, a telemarketer asking if he'd like to change his long distance service. Jack manages to use the men's room for the first time in 27 hours.

11 a.m. Paperwork. Jack has, in the previous 28 hours, destroyed approximately $10 million worth of civilian property (vehicles, mostly); you had better believe there are forms that need filling out.

12 p.m. More paperwork, and a light lunch.

1 p.m. Jack goes to pick up his dry cleaning. Some tension when the dry cleaner reminds him he was supposed to come in yesterday; dry cleaner is mollified when Jack displays his latest presidential commendation, and Jack even manages to get the special "unsung national hero" 20 percent discount.

2 p.m. Jack does other errands, as long as he's out; returning library books (he didn't quite manage to finish "The Lovely Bones," but it was overdue); getting new cellphone headset (since the explosion yesterday at 7 p.m., he keeps hearing a sort of staticky sound); buying more ammo.

3 p.m. Awkward apologetic phone calls to various people he attacked, beat up, or threatened yesterday who turned out to be entirely innocent.

4 p.m. More awkward phone calls. There were a lot of people.

5 p.m. Catches the big football game he had videotaped yesterday as soon as he heard it was going to be "one of those days." (Luckily, terrorists generally aren't the type of people to blurt out the score, though Jack is always having to warn people at the Counterterrorist Unit that they shouldn't even *mention* the Steelers while he's on the job.)

6 p.m. Orders Chinese food for dinner. A slight problem arises when Jack believes that the deliveryman is actually an assassin sent by the Chinese Embassy. Mental note made for another awkward phone call for tomorrow.

7 p.m. Gets spruced up for date with beautiful woman he met at 5 p.m. yesterday, during hostage crisis.

8 p.m. Drinks with beautiful woman. Date ends early when turns out that they have nothing in common other than shared dislike of being taken hostage; leave on good terms, though, and Jack agrees that yes, this will make a nice "meet cute" story for her.

9 p.m. Jack goes to bookstore and buys paperback copy of "The Lovely Bones"; heads back home for some quiet time.

10 p.m. Bubble bath.

11 p.m. Jack watches the Daily Show and the Colbert Report, waiting to see what John and Steve have to say about yesterday's events; he laughs a lot, even though they both, like all the rest of the media, have the story entirely wrong.

12 a.m. Stretching exercises; after all the many injuries he's suffered over these very long days, Jack's just a mass of trouble spots.

1 a.m. to 7 a.m. Bed. Sleep interrupted briefly to repel home invasion by assassins from Chinese Embassy. Otherwise uneventful.


White Sands Dive Shops Daily Blog
http://scubalessonsbelize.blogspot.com/
Re: Smiles for the day [Re: elbert] #364661
01/20/10 12:28 PM
01/20/10 12:28 PM
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 993
S.C.U.S.A
Bill Mc Ghee Offline
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Bill Mc Ghee  Offline
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.



Never Use money to measure wealth
Re: Smiles for the day [Re: Bill Mc Ghee] #364718
01/20/10 11:18 PM
01/20/10 11:18 PM
Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 3,046
P
Peter Jones Offline
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Peter Jones  Offline
P

Re: Smiles for the day [Re: Peter Jones] #364798
01/21/10 10:18 PM
01/21/10 10:18 PM
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 225
North Dakota
Shopgirl Offline
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Shopgirl  Offline
My small grandson got lost at the shopping mall.........
He approached a uniformed security guard and said,
"I've lost my grandpa!"
"The guard asked, "What's he like?"
The little tyke hesitated for a moment and then replied,

"Jack Daniel whiskey and women with big boobs."


"All people smile in the same language"
Re: Smiles for the day [Re: Shopgirl] #364799
01/21/10 11:02 PM
01/21/10 11:02 PM
Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 3,046
P
Peter Jones Offline
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Peter Jones  Offline
P
I think this is the right place for this, but some people might not agree. Why do some people think that the correct expansion for "would've" is "would of", which is completely meaningless, rather than the correct "would have"?

Re: Smiles for the day [Re: Peter Jones] #364806
01/22/10 08:37 AM
01/22/10 08:37 AM
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 13,038
San Pedro Belize
elbert Offline
.
elbert  Offline


White Sands Dive Shops Daily Blog
http://scubalessonsbelize.blogspot.com/
Re: Smiles for the day [Re: Peter Jones] #364839
01/22/10 03:09 PM
01/22/10 03:09 PM
Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 993
Palm Springs
Bing Crosby Offline
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Bing Crosby  Offline
Originally Posted by Peter Jones
I think this is the right place for this, but some people might not agree. Why do some people think that the correct expansion for "would've" is "would of", which is completely meaningless, rather than the correct "would have"?

No I don't think this is the proper place for this, and besides who thinks would've is a contraction for would of? two unrelated words inthis context. look at the site below.
http://www.enchantedlearning.com/grammar/contractions/list.shtml

Re: Smiles for the day [Re: Bing Crosby] #364848
01/22/10 04:19 PM
01/22/10 04:19 PM
Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 3,046
P
Peter Jones Offline
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Peter Jones  Offline
P
Originally Posted by Bing Crosby
who thinks would've is a contraction for would of?

Sadly quite a few people, judging by usage.

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