CREATIVE PUNS FOR "EDUCATED MINDS"



1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian..

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationary..

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway one hat said to the other, 'You stay here; I'll go on a head..'

14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'

17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

21. A backward poet writes inverse.

22. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

23 . Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects.

The Night Light

An 80-year-old man goes for a physical.
All of his tests come back with normal results.
The doctor says, "George, everything looks great. How are you doing
mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?"

George replies, "God and I are tight..
He knows I have poor eyesight, so He's fixed it so when I get up in the
middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When
I'm
done, poof! The light goes off.."

"Wow, that's incredible," the doctor, says.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls George's wife."Ethel," he says,
"George is doing fine! But I had to call you because I'm in awe of his
relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night,and poof!
The light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof! the light goes
off?"

"Oh my God!" exclaims Ethel. "He's peeing in the refrigerator again!"

while searching for this thread to post the above I found one that Amanda posted in May or 2005. I laughed until tears ran down my face and I couldn't see the next line. Amanda, forgive me for poaching, but this was just too good not to be repeated. My ten year old twin grandsons will love it.

You can't read this and stay in a bad mood!

1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?

Unique Up On It.

2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?

Tame Way.

3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest ?

They Take The Psycho Path

4. How Do You Get Holy Water?

You Boil The Hell Out Of It

5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?

Dam!

6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?

Polaroid's

7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?

A Stick

8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?

Nacho Cheese.

9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?

Subordinate Clauses.

10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?

Quattro Sink o.

11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?

Spoiled Milk. Or California Cheese!

12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?

Frostbite.

13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?

A Nervous Wreck.

14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?

Anyone Can Roast Beef.

15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?

Right Where You Left Him.

16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?

Because They Have Big Fingers .

17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?

Because It Scares The Dog.

18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?

Sanka.

19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover ?!

The Location Of The Dirt Bag.

20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?

Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.

21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?

A Bad Golfer Goes, "Whack, Dang!"

A Bad Skydiver Goes, "Dang! Whack!"

22. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?

Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer

Never need to apologize when you are spreading good cheer.

Also..She was only the farmers daughter but all the horse manure!

WHO IS JACK SCHITT?

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?

We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt'!

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, who married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.
After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.

Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.

The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt', you can correct them.

Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt

A Redneck Love Poem

Susie Lee done fell in love,
she planned to marry Joe.
She was so happy 'bout it all,
she told her Pappy so.

Pappy told her, Susie gal,
you'll have to find another.
I'd just as soon yo' Ma don't know,
but Joe is yo' half brother.

So Susie put aside her Joe,
and planned to marry Will.
But after telling Pappy this
he said, 'there's trouble still.'

You can't marry Will, my gal,
and please don't tell yo' Mother.
But Will and Joe, and several mo'
I know is yo' half brother.

But Mama knew and said, my child,
just do what makes yo' happy.
Marry Will or marry Joe;
You ain't no kin to Pappy.

Just received this poem from my sister..funny!

It was just announced that Abu Musab al Zarqawi was killed in Iraq by American forces.

George Washington met him at the Pearly Gates. He slapped him across the face and yelled, "How dare you fight against the nation I helped conceive?!"

Patrick Henry approached, punched him in the nose and shouted, "You wanted to end our liberties but you failed!"

James Madison followed, kicked him in the bal%$ and said, "This is why I allowed our government to provide for the common defense!"

Thomas Jefferson was next, beat Zarqawi with a long cane and snarled, "It was evil men like you who inspired me to write the Declaration of Independence ."

The beatings and thrashings continued as George Mason, James Monroe and 66 other early Americans unleashed their anger on the terrorist leader.

As Zarqawi lay bleeding and in pain, an Angel appeared. Zarqawi wept and said, "This is not what you promised me."

The Angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you in Heaven. What did you think I said?"

While the C-5 was turning over its engines, a female crewman gave the
GIs on board the usual information regarding seat belts, emergency
exits, etc.

Finally, she said, 'Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your
captain, Judith Campbell, and crew
take you safely to Afghanistan '

An old MSgt. sitting in the eighth row thought to himself,
'Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman? '

When the attendant came by he said 'Did I understand you right? Is the
captain a woman?'
'Yes,'! said the attendant, 'In fact, this entire crew is female.'




'My God,' he said, 'I wish I had two double scotch and sodas. I don't
know what to think
with only women up there in the cockpit.'

'That's another thing, Sergeant,' said the crew member,
'We No Longer Call It The Cockpit'

'It's The Box Office.'