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Re: Smiles for the day [Re: Amanda Syme] #403960
04/04/11 02:10 PM
04/04/11 02:10 PM
Joined: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,970
Coeur d'Alene Idaho, USA
champion Offline
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champion  Offline
Two women were playing golf.

One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a
foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together
at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.

'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could
relieve your pain if you'd allow me,' she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man
replied.

He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his
hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally
allowed her to help.

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his
pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful
massage for several long moments and asked 'How does that feel?'

He replied, 'It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken.'



Reality is only an illusion that occurs due to a lack of alcohol
Re: Smiles for the day [Re: Amanda Syme] #404062
04/05/11 03:06 PM
04/05/11 03:06 PM
Joined: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,970
Coeur d'Alene Idaho, USA
champion Offline
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champion  Offline
Thought for today

Here's the way it should be:

Let's put the seniors in jail
and the criminals in nursing homes.

This would correct two things in one motion:
Seniors would have access to showers, hobbies and walks.
They would receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical
treatment, wheel chairs, etc.
They would receive money instead of having to pay it out.
They would have constant video monitoring, so they would be helped
instantly...
if they fell or needed assistance.
Bedding would be washed twice a week and all clothing would be ironed and
returned to them.
A guard would check on them every 20 minutes.
All meals and snacks would be brought to them.
They would have family visits in a suite built for that purpose......
They would have access to a library, weight/fitness room, spiritual
counseling, a pool and education...and free admission to in-house concerts
by nationally recognized entertainment artists.
Simple clothing - ie. shoes, slippers, pj's - and legal aid would be free,
upon request.
There would be private, secure rooms provided for all with an outdoor
exercise yard complete with gardens.
Each senior would have a P.C., T.V., phone and radio in their room
at no cost.
They would receive daily phone calls.
There would be a board of directors to hear any complaints and the
ACLU would fight for their rights and protection.
The guards would have a code of conduct to be strictly adhered to,
with attorneys available, at no charge to protect the seniors and
their families from abuse or neglect.

As for the criminals:

They would receive cold food.
They would be left alone and unsupervised.
They would receive showers once a week.
They would live in tiny rooms, for which they would have to pay
$5,000 per month.
They would have no hope of ever getting out......................
"Sounds like justice to me!"



Reality is only an illusion that occurs due to a lack of alcohol
Re: Smiles for the day [Re: champion] #404581
04/09/11 06:40 PM
04/09/11 06:40 PM
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 3,280
Arizona USA
azbob Offline
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azbob  Offline
Today’s lesson…Pay Attention to detail!

Dead Cow Lecture
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
First year students at the University of Arkansase Vet School were attending their first anatomy class with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animals' body." For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the cow, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth.
"Go ahead and do the same thing, he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and sucking on it.
When everyone finished, the Professor looked a them and said, "the second most important quality is observation. I stick in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Life's tough but it's even tougher if you're stupid."

sick


"Hold on Tight To Your Dreams" ELO
Re: Smiles for the day [Re: Amanda Syme] #404589
04/09/11 08:25 PM
04/09/11 08:25 PM
Joined: May 2007
Posts: 526
Wet Coast of Canada, On an isl...
VT-CDN Offline
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VT-CDN  Offline
Subject: IRS decides to audit Grandpa


The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.

The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling.

I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'

Now the auditor can t ell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'


a lethal combination of smart dairyair and dumb dairyair .
Re: Smiles for the day [Re: Amanda Syme] #404590
04/09/11 08:27 PM
04/09/11 08:27 PM
Joined: May 2007
Posts: 526
Wet Coast of Canada, On an isl...
VT-CDN Offline
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VT-CDN  Offline
On their 50th anniversary, a wife found the negligee she wore on her wedding night
and put it on. She went to her husband, a retired Marine , and asked, Honey, do you
remember this?"

He looked up from his newspaper and said; "Yes dear, I do. You wore that same
negligee the night we were married"

She said, "Yes, that's right. Do you remember what you said to me that night?

He nodded and said "Yes dear, I said: Oh baby, I'm going to suck the life out of
those boobs and screw your brains out."

She giggled and said, "That's exactly what you said. So now it's fifty years later,
and I'm in the same negligee. What do you have to say tonight ?"

He looked her up and down and said, "Mission Accomplished."


a lethal combination of smart dairyair and dumb dairyair .
Re: Smiles for the day [Re: Amanda Syme] #404993
04/13/11 07:14 PM
04/13/11 07:14 PM
Joined: May 2007
Posts: 526
Wet Coast of Canada, On an isl...
VT-CDN Offline
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VT-CDN  Offline
Fred and Larry got married in California .
They couldn't afford a honeymoon so, they go back to Fred's Mom and Dad's house for their first married night together.
In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast.
As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and Larry are up yet.
She replies, 'No'.
Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school.'
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, 'Are Fred and Larry up yet?'
She replies, 'No.'
Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school '
After school, Johnny comes home and asks again,
'Are Fred and Larry up yet?'
His mom says, 'No.'
He asks, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'OK, now tell me what you think.'
He says: 'Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think...... I gave him my airplane glue.'


a lethal combination of smart dairyair and dumb dairyair .
Re: Smiles for the day [Re: Amanda Syme] #405010
04/13/11 11:05 PM
04/13/11 11:05 PM
Joined: Nov 2000
Posts: 5,531
Birdland - 1 mile north
ScubaLdy Offline
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ScubaLdy  Offline
A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says, "Please come over
here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how
to get started."

Her neighbor asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The little silver haired lady says, "According to the picture on the
box, it’s a rooster."

Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over
the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns
to her and says,

"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to
assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have
a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh ............


(scroll down)









"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."


Harriette
Take only pictures leave only bubbles
Re: Smiles for the day [Re: Amanda Syme] #405060
04/14/11 11:24 AM
04/14/11 11:24 AM
Joined: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,970
Coeur d'Alene Idaho, USA
champion Offline
.
champion  Offline
Texas has compiled a liberal to Texan translation directory (AKA redneck Rosetta Stone). This should be helpful for you Californians as well as you Texans and provide a chuckle for y’all (You need not agree!)


CALIFORNIA
TEXAS

Arsenal of Weapons
Gun Collection

Delicate Wetlands
Swamp

Undocumented Worker
Illegal Alien

Cruelty-Free Materials
Synthetic Fiber

Assault and Battery
Attitude Adjustment

Heavily Armed
Well-protected

Narrow-minded
Righteous

Taxes or Your Fair Share
Coerced Theft

Commonsense Gun Control
Gun Confiscation Plot

Illegal Hazardous Explosives
Fireworks for Stump Removal

Equal Access to Opportunity
Socialism

Multicultural Community
High Crime Area

Fairness or Social Progress
Marxism

Upper Class or "The Rich"
Self-Employed

Progressive, Change
Big Government Scheme

Homeless or Disadvantaged
Bums or Welfare Leeches

Sniper Rifle
Scoped Deer Rifle

Investment For the Future
Higher Taxes

Healthcare Reform
Socialized Medicine

Extremist, Judgmental, or Hater
Conservative

Truants
Homeschoolers

Victim or Oppressed
Criminal or Lazy Good-For-Nothing

High Capacity Magazine
Standard Capacity Magazine

Religious Zealot
Church-going

Fair Trade Coffee
Overpriced Yuppie Coffee

Exploiters or "The Rich"
Employed or Land Owner

The Gun Lobby
NRA Members

Assault Weapon
Semi-Auto (Grandpa's M1 Carbine)

Fiscal Stimulus
New Taxes and Higher Taxes

Same Sex Marriage
Legalized Perversion

Mandated Eco-Friendly Lighting
Chinese Mercury-Laden Light Bulbs





Reality is only an illusion that occurs due to a lack of alcohol
Re: Smiles for the day [Re: Amanda Syme] #405062
04/14/11 11:52 AM
04/14/11 11:52 AM
Joined: May 2007
Posts: 526
Wet Coast of Canada, On an isl...
VT-CDN Offline
.
VT-CDN  Offline


A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spends

$15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.

On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before

leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but

how old do you think I am.

About 32,' is the reply.'

Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl

the very same question.

The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.' The woman replies with a big

smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store

on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints

and asks the clerk this burning question.

The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'

Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next

to her the same question.

He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was

young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds

very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra.

Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the

best of her. She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around

very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently

pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them

against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay.....How old am

I?'

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and

says, 'Madam, you are 50.'

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?'

The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?'

I promise I won't' she says.

I was behind you at McDonalds'


a lethal combination of smart dairyair and dumb dairyair .
Re: Smiles for the day [Re: Amanda Syme] #405176
04/15/11 10:29 AM
04/15/11 10:29 AM
Joined: Oct 1999
Posts: 66,812
oregon, spr
Marty Offline

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Marty  Offline
obama quotes (just for laughs no politics allowed please??)


"I had the emir of Qatar come by the Oval Office today," Obama said. "Pretty influential guy. He is a big booster, big promoter of democracy all throughout the Middle East. Reform, reform, reform. ... Now he himself is not reforming significantly. There's no big move toward democracy in Qatar. But you know part of the reason is that the per capita income of Qatar is $145,000 a year. That will dampen a lot of conflict.



"The Oval Office, I always thought I was going to have really cool phones and stuff," he said during a small fundraising event at a Chicago restaurant. "I'm like, c'mon guys, I'm the president of the United States. Where's the fancy buttons and stuff and the big screen comes up? It doesn't happen."

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