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Re: Smiles for the day [Re: Marty] #405197
04/15/11 01:12 PM
04/15/11 01:12 PM
Joined: Jul 2000
Posts: 1,925
inuvi
papashine Offline
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papashine  Offline


Two rednecks, Jake and Bubba, were sitting in a bar one night watching rasslin' on the tube. At the end of the match was an advertisement. A loud, obnoxious character came on screaming about the $10,000 dollars prize money for anyone who could defeat "The Killer".

Jake looked at Bubba, a 6' 4" giant with the brain the size of a pea, and got an idea. He told Bubba, "I bet you could beat that guy. He doesn't look so rough, and you're no wimp." Bubba thought about it for a minute and agreed that he probably could.

The next weekend Jake and Bubba went down to the stadium where the tournament was to be held and signed Bubba up. An old man came up and started briefing them on the rules of the contest and such. Jake, seeing Bubba was a bit nervous, asked the old man for any tips. The old man looked up to Bubba and said, "Just you watch out for his pretzel hold. Ain't nobody ever gotten out that thing."

One by one, the contestants ahead of Bubba went in and came back balled up and hurting. Two hours after they arrived, Bubba's turn was finally up. In the ring, right before the bell rang, Bubba looked back at Jake and said,
"Don't worry buddy. I can avoid that pretzel thing." But not ten seconds after he had gotten up in the ring was The Killer laying on top of the contorted ball of Bubba and the referee was pounding the mat, counting to ten.

Jake screamed and started walking back to the locker rooms. He was pissed. He had shelled out $500 to get Bubba in this contest, and it didn't last 20 seconds. But right before he got to the door, the crowd went wild! Jake ran back to the ring to see Bubba with one foot on top of the unconscious Killer and one armed raised in the air by the referee.

Jake ran into the ring and jumped on Bubba. The crowd was out of control, and Jake and Bubba were $10,000 richer!

Later in the locker room, Jake confessed to Bubba he didn't see what happened. Bubba said, "Well, The Killer got me in his pretzel hold and I thought all was lost. I hurt like I'd never hurt before and all I could hear was the ref slamming his hand down counting to ten. Then I looked and in front of me I saw this big, hairy sack of balls. I had nothing to lose
and figured it might even help. So I stretched a little further and bit down as hard as I could on those things."

"Jake," Bubba said. "You wouldn't believe the strength a man gets when he bites his own balls."


Reality..What a concept!
Re: Smiles for the day [Re: Amanda Syme] #405202
04/15/11 02:15 PM
04/15/11 02:15 PM
Joined: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,970
Coeur d'Alene Idaho, USA
champion Offline
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champion  Offline
I know this ain't a joke but if anyone owns a 2006 Toyota Rav 4- 4 wheel drive with a V6, a water pump R&R is $2000.00. We just quoted one for some friends, 10 days past factory warranty. Step 1 remove engine. Now thats funny.


Reality is only an illusion that occurs due to a lack of alcohol
Re: Smiles for the day [Re: Amanda Syme] #405206
04/15/11 03:41 PM
04/15/11 03:41 PM
Joined: Oct 1999
Posts: 66,811
oregon, spr
Marty Offline

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Marty  Offline
http://youtu.be/mNIwSYp4N-Y

kristen chenoweth sings 'popular" from the musical "wicked"

Re: Smiles for the day [Re: Amanda Syme] #405227
04/15/11 07:25 PM
04/15/11 07:25 PM
Joined: May 2007
Posts: 526
Wet Coast of Canada, On an isl...
VT-CDN Offline
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VT-CDN  Offline
Alzheimer's Test

How fast can you guess these words?

1. F_ _K

2. PU_S_

3. S_X

4. P_N_S

5. BOO_S

6. _ _NDOM















































Answers:

1. FORK

2. PULSE

3. SIX

4. PANTS

5. BOOKS

6. RANDOM

You got all 6 wrong....didn't you?

Well, you don't have Alzheimer's, but you are a pervert!


a lethal combination of smart dairyair and dumb dairyair .
Re: Smiles for the day [Re: VT-CDN] #405228
04/15/11 07:28 PM
04/15/11 07:28 PM
Joined: Sep 2002
Posts: 10,850
Beautiful San Marcos, Texas
E
Ernie B Offline
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Ernie B  Offline
E
DAMN !


Gun Control is Hitting Your Target.
Re: Smiles for the day [Re: Ernie B] #405330
04/16/11 09:04 PM
04/16/11 09:04 PM
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 3,280
Arizona USA
azbob Offline
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azbob  Offline
But so am I Ernie! But don't tell anyone! laugh


"Hold on Tight To Your Dreams" ELO
Re: Smiles for the day [Re: Amanda Syme] #405438
04/18/11 10:05 AM
04/18/11 10:05 AM
Joined: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,970
Coeur d'Alene Idaho, USA
champion Offline
.
champion  Offline


Reality is only an illusion that occurs due to a lack of alcohol
Re: Smiles for the day [Re: Amanda Syme] #405570
04/19/11 10:28 AM
04/19/11 10:28 AM
Joined: May 2007
Posts: 526
Wet Coast of Canada, On an isl...
VT-CDN Offline
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VT-CDN  Offline
It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Ron. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Carol Anne to get a full-time job, along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work.

Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the "Men's Grill" at the club, so eating out is not reasonable. Besides, I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit the door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.

I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think.For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, Boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two, or even three days. That way, she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me, too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support my wife. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, Guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of you're aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.


EDITOR'S NOTE:
Ron died suddenly on April 3 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing, and a sledge hammer lying nearby. His wife was arrested and charged with murder.

The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that Ron somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.


a lethal combination of smart dairyair and dumb dairyair .
Re: Smiles for the day [Re: Amanda Syme] #405599
04/19/11 03:43 PM
04/19/11 03:43 PM
Joined: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,970
Coeur d'Alene Idaho, USA
champion Offline
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champion  Offline
Beauty is only a light switch away.
Perkins Library, Duke University , Durham , NC

If life is a waste of time,
And time is a waste of life,
Then let's all get wasted together
And have the time of our lives.
Armand's Pizza, Washington , DC

Fighting for peace is like
Screwing for virginity.
The Bayou, Baton Rouge , LA

No matter how good she looks,
Some other guy is sick and tired
Of putting up with her shit.
Men's Room
Linda's Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill , NC

At the feast of ego
Everyone leaves hungry.
Bentley's House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson , AZ

It's hard to make a comeback
When you haven't been anywhere.
Written in the dust on the back of a bus,
Wickenburg , AZ

Make love, not war.
Hell, do both -
GET MARRIED!
Women's restroom
The Filling Station, Bozeman , MT

If voting could really change things,
It would be illegal.
Revolution Books
New York , New York

If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress?

Congress!
Men's restroom - House of Representatives,
Washington , DC

Express Lane:
Five beers or less
Sign over one of the urinals
Ed Debevic's, Phoenix , AZ

You're too good for him.
Sign over mirror in Women's restroom
Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hill s ,CA

No wonder you always go home alone.
Sign over mirror in Men's restroom,
Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hill s ,CA

A Woman's Rule of Thumb:
If it has a " T "in it such as tyres, tarts or testicles,
You're going to have trouble with it !!!!!!!
Women's restroom
Dick's Last Resort, Dallas , TX............


Reality is only an illusion that occurs due to a lack of alcohol
Re: Smiles for the day [Re: Amanda Syme] #405612
04/19/11 07:39 PM
04/19/11 07:39 PM
Joined: Feb 2011
Posts: 6
Arizona
T
Tombstone Offline
.
Tombstone  Offline
T
Health Tip for the Day....

If you can't afford a doctor, go to an airport--you'll get a free x-ray and a breast exam, and; if you mention Al Qaeda, you'll get a free colonoscopy.


Just Be Yourself....Everyone Else Is Taken!
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