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Re: Smiles for the day [Re: Amanda Syme] #425354
12/15/11 05:33 PM
12/15/11 05:33 PM
Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 420
tortuga.chica Offline
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tortuga.chica  Offline
I'm passing this on because it worked for me today...Dr Oz on TV said that to reach inner peace we should always finish things we start, and we all could use more calm in our lives during the hectic Holiday season.

I looked around my house to find things I'd started and hadn't finished, so I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, da mainder of Valiuminun scriptins, an a box a chocletz. Yu haf no idr how fablus I feel rite now. Sned dis to dose who need inner peas. An telum u luvum.


A hug is the shortest distance between friends. ~ Author Unknown
Re: Smiles for the day [Re: Amanda Syme] #425879
12/21/11 09:17 PM
12/21/11 09:17 PM
Joined: May 2007
Posts: 526
Wet Coast of Canada, On an isl...
VT-CDN Offline
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VT-CDN  Offline


a lethal combination of smart dairyair and dumb dairyair .
Re: Smiles for the day [Re: Amanda Syme] #425888
12/22/11 05:16 AM
12/22/11 05:16 AM
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 4
B
Billyboy Offline
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Billyboy  Offline
B
A toothpaste factory had a problem: they sometimes shipped empty boxes, without the tube inside. This was due to the way the production line was set up, and people with experience in designing production lines will tell you how difficult it is to have everything happen with timings so precise that every single unit coming out of it is perfect 100% of the time. Small variations in the environment (which can’t be controlled in a cost-effective fashion) mean you must have quality assurance checks smartly distributed across the line so that customers all the way down the supermarket don’t get pissed off and buy someone else’s product instead.

Understanding how important that was, the CEO of the toothpaste factory got the top people in the company together and they decided to start a new project, in which they would hire an external engineering company to solve their empty boxes problem, as their engineering department was already too stretched to take on any extra effort.

The project followed the usual process: budget and project sponsor allocated, RFP, third-parties selected, and six months (and $8 million) later they had a fantastic solution — on time, on budget, high quality and everyone in the project had a great time. They solved the problem by using some high-tech precision scales that would sound a bell and flash lights whenever a toothpaste box weighing less than it should. The line would stop, and someone had to walk over and yank the defective box out of it, pressing another button when done.

A while later, the CEO decides to have a look at the ROI of the project: amazing results! No empty boxes ever shipped out of the factory after the scales were put in place. Very few customer complaints, and they were gaining market share. “That’s some money well spent!” he says, before looking closely at the other statistics in the report.

It turns out, the number of defects picked up by the scales was zero after three weeks of production use. It should’ve been picking up at least a dozen a day, so maybe there was something wrong with the report. He filed a bug against it, and after some investigation, the engineers come back saying the report was actually correct. The scales really weren't picking up any defects, because all boxes that got to that point in the conveyor belt were good.

Puzzled, the CEO travels down to the factory, and walks up to the part of the line where the precision scales were installed. A few feet before it, there was a $20 desk fan, blowing the empty boxes off the belt and into a bin.

“Oh, that?" said one of the line-workers, "Well, one of the maintenance guys put it there ’cause he was tired of walking over every time the bell rang.”

Re: Smiles for the day [Re: Amanda Syme] #425934
12/22/11 10:51 AM
12/22/11 10:51 AM
Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 3,677
Maple Grove, MN USA
Bobber Offline
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Bobber  Offline
How about my annual favorite of all time

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0hFb-vepuM8


Been there, done that, the washing machine ate the T-shirt
Re: Smiles for the day [Re: Bobber] #425943
12/22/11 01:05 PM
12/22/11 01:05 PM
Joined: Sep 2002
Posts: 10,850
Beautiful San Marcos, Texas
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Ernie B Offline
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Ernie B  Offline
E
Good one, Bobber !


Gun Control is Hitting Your Target.
Re: Smiles for the day [Re: Amanda Syme] #426024
12/23/11 07:34 PM
12/23/11 07:34 PM
Joined: Feb 2006
Posts: 1,770
Nova Scotia, Canada
Nova Offline
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Nova  Offline
Honest to god, Bobber, I watched that 3 times and laughed till I cried every time. Best video EVER!!!!! She's one awesome broad!


It's never too late to have a happy childhood!
Re: Smiles for the day [Re: Amanda Syme] #426135
12/25/11 03:20 PM
12/25/11 03:20 PM
Joined: May 2007
Posts: 526
Wet Coast of Canada, On an isl...
VT-CDN Offline
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VT-CDN  Offline
The Ski Trip
John decided to go skiing with his buddy, Ron. So they loaded up John's Yukon and headed north.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.'

'Don't worry,' John said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Ron and asked, 'Ron, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?

'Yes, I do.' Said Ron.

'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'

'Well, um, yes!,' Ron said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'

'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'

Ron's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?'

'She just died and left me everything.'


a lethal combination of smart dairyair and dumb dairyair .
Re: Smiles for the day [Re: Amanda Syme] #426209
12/27/11 05:07 PM
12/27/11 05:07 PM
Joined: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,971
Coeur d'Alene Idaho, USA
champion Offline
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champion  Offline
This guy suspects his wife is cheating on him. He comes home early and she meets him at the door in a bathrobe, her hair a mess. "Where is he?" he shouts. "Where's the guy who's been sleeping with you?" "I don't know what you're talking about" she says so he tears the house apart looking for this guy. Finally he's on the second floor, in the kitchen, he looks out the window and sees some guy sitting in a Volkswagen. "Aha!" he thinks, "That's the guy who's been sleeping with my wife." He's so furious he picks up the refrigerator, throws it out the window at the guy, has a heart attack and dies.

So St. Peter meets him at the gates of Heaven and asks "What are you doing here?" The guy says "Well, I knew my wife was cheating on me so I came home early from work, saw him sitting in his Volkswagen out on the street, threw the refrigerator at him, I had a heart attack and died." St. Peter says "You don't belong here; go to Hell." He pulls a big lever, a trap door opens up and the guy disappears.

A few minutes later another guy comes up to St. Peter at the gates of Heaven. St. Peter asks "What are you doing here?" The guy says "I don't know! I was just sitting in my Volkswagen, minding my own business, when suddenly somebody throws a refrigerator at me." St. Peter wags his finger and says "I heard about you... you go to Hell too." He pulls the lever and the guy disappears.

A few minutes later another guy comes up to St. Peter at the gates of Heaven. St. Peter asks "What are you doing here?" The guy says "I don't know! I was just sitting in a refrigerator, minding my own business..."



Reality is only an illusion that occurs due to a lack of alcohol
Re: Smiles for the day [Re: Amanda Syme] #426210
12/27/11 05:09 PM
12/27/11 05:09 PM
Joined: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,971
Coeur d'Alene Idaho, USA
champion Offline
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champion  Offline
A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked," Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"

"My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, a contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of bath." "Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?" "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."



Reality is only an illusion that occurs due to a lack of alcohol
Re: Smiles for the day [Re: Amanda Syme] #426211
12/27/11 05:10 PM
12/27/11 05:10 PM
Joined: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,971
Coeur d'Alene Idaho, USA
champion Offline
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champion  Offline
There was a Minister whose wife was expecting a baby. The Minister went to the congregation and asked for a raise. After much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule that when the Minister's family expanded, so would his pay check.

After five or six children, this started to get expensive. The congregation decided to hold a meeting again to discuss the Minister's pay situation. You can imagine there was much yelling and bickering. Finally, the Minister got up and spoke to the crowd, "Having children is an act of God!"

In the back of the room, a little old man with a full beard stood up, and in his frail voice said... "Snow and Rain are also 'acts of God', but when we get too much, we wear rubbers!"



Reality is only an illusion that occurs due to a lack of alcohol
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