Monster humorous synopsis.....I BELIZE IN MIRACLES, YOU SEXY THING
A small propeller plane flies in over scenic waterfalls and ruins in Belize, and then Ben is touting the virtues of the island lifestyle in Ambergris Caye, as if what he's experiencing filming a television show where he's stringing along six women has anything to do with real life. He says it's crazy to think he's a week away from meeting some of these women's families.
And now the women are flying in, and Nicki gets the eye-rolling job of telling us, as we are told at the beginning of the show each week from Week 2 on in, that this is the most crucial week they've had so far.
All the women by this point are complaining about having to share Ben with other women, to which I'd like to point out that a) it's interesting that this becomes a bigger issue as the show moves along, when there are actually fewer and fewer women making out with him, so just health-wise, things are less risky than they've ever been, and b) YEAH THAT'S THE POINT OF THE SHOW.
Harrison shows up and says a bunch of stuff about what kinds of dates are going on. I wasn't really listening. I think it's three one-on-ones, and the one orgy? Lindzi gets the first one-on-one date and now Nicki is crying, like shut up, Nicki's tear ducts, and she says it's because things are really real right now. The card says something about how "Two halves make a whole" so maybe it has something to do with Lindzi's and Ben's brains.
Ben comes by to pick Lindzi up and Emily (who, having called Courtney a shark is really big into metaphors, but that's what you get when you have a job that requires some sort of post-secondary education) tells us a whole thing about Ben being a slice of cheesecake in swim trunks and someone else is now eating the cheesecake like WHAT IS GOING ON IN BELIZE and now Ben and Lindzi are flying in a helicopter to this 500-foot deep pool called "the Blue Hole" and Ben is explaining this to us while sporting a tank-top sunburn. And they're going to jump straight from the helicopter into the water. And because Lindzi is scared of heights, this is one of those things that those dingbats prove they can marry each other, or something. They jump out of the helicopter, and now Ben feels like there's nothing they can't accomplish. So true! If you can jump out of things, there's nothing you can't do!
Dinner is at the Coco Beach resort, which is "kind of amazing" says Lindzi, as the boat pulls up to the pier alongside candles in the water, and there are candles on the dock, which always gives me hope for a big five-alarm fire.
I guess they spent all the money just getting to Belize, because the Coco Beach resort seems to just be a bunch of pillows thrown together on the pier.
While Ben and Lindzi bore us silly by talking about the hometown dates next week, we go back to the women's quarters, where a date card arrives for Emily. "Do you Belize in love?" asks the card, and Courtney is royally pissed that Emily is getting a one-on-one date, even one with an awful pun written on it.
Back at the Coco Beach Pillow Pier resort, Lindzi, big surprise, has said she would love to bring him to her hometown to meet her family. And now they are writing some sort of message on a piece of paper to put in a bottle to throw into the ocean, and it's somehow even more inane than the fact that they say "leap of faith" about a hundred times each. And then Ben starts the message by writing "once upon a time," and Lindzi calls that "very doctor-like" like how drunk is Lindzi anyway.
And then Ben tells this awful fairy-tale-esque story about Lindzi and him and we watch a montage of Ben and Lindzi scenes with extra sparkle added. It's one of the lamer dates I've ever seen on this show, but my brain's self-preservation mechanism ensures that I can only ever remember a couple of weeks back at a time, so I can't remember anything even from the first few episodes of this season. Lindzi talks about how she's completely falling in love, and they make out to close out this cheap-ass date.
Speaking of cheap-ass dates! Emily flies to some island town to an awaiting Ben, where they ride bikes, drink from coconuts, play basketball with some locals, and talk about how awesome the simple things. I would buy that attitude if EVEN ONCE I had ever seen a woman on this show be disappointed by some sort of flashy expensive date and said, "Actually, I really prefer the simple things, like wandering around drinking beers and being condescending to other cultures."
Anyway, then these two go diving for lobsters, and they're given some sort of hook to catch the lobsters, and for some reason these two twits thought it would be EASY to catch a lobster, like maybe they were picturing a giant underwater glass tank like at the grocery store, with the lobsters just waiting for them.
Back at the house, Courtney is stewing about the fact that Ben is on a date with someone who treated her so badly (Courtney being very big on the golden rule, of course). In an interview, she cries as well, and her tears sizzle and steam as they roll down her cheeks. She tells us that if she gets the next date card, it's too late. "I really liked him." It's amazing how full of shit she is. After a commercial break, she also tells us that if she doesn't get a one-on-one date, she won't accept a rose from him.
Ben, still on the date with someone who is much smarter than he deserves, is oblivious to the Courtney Ultimatums hanging over his head. He and Emily sit down for dinner, and Ben asks the same question he asked Lindzi, which is whether she's comfortable bringing him home to her family. She starts talking about COURTNEY but it's not so bad because she's expressing regret for that whole episode, because she feels like the two of them lost some time getting to know each other. He agrees, and then she gives him a formal invitation to North Carolina to meet her family, because they will absolutely love him. And then he toasts her with beer and they kiss and she tells us that she thinks she's falling in love with him, and this was the end to the greatest date of her life.
Back at the house, Courtney is interrupting from babbling about how much she hates Emily or whatever when the date card arrives. It is for Courtney: "Let's take the next steps in our relationship," it reads. "Oh, snap," says Courtney for reasons known only to Courtney. Everyone sits around looking glum as Courtney gloats about how that boy knew he needed it or whatever. Kacie B. is all, "That [bleep] bitch," and I love a woman with a decent potty mouth, and then she calls Courtney a black widow and pretends to be squishing a spider with her hands. As we go to commercial, the scenes really blow it as to whether Courtney gets a rose on the one-on-one date, because we see Ben taking her aside at the rose ceremony, but let's not get ahead of ourselves.
So the next day, Courtney bids goodbye to the other women, adding, "Can't stand you all," to herself. She tells that Ben needs to step his game up when it comes to her. Sure thing, ONE OF SIX WOMEN!
She flies into Lamanai, Belize (Ben can't wait for "Courtney and I's date") to visit a Mayan temple, and Courtney asks if this is where they did human sacrifices and Ben says, "It very well could be," like DON'T GET OUR HOPES UP. And then they arrive at this massive temple, and any pretense that the Bachelor actually plans these dates is dispelled when Ben is just as surprised as Courtney when he sees the temple with all the steps that they're going to climb.
Anyway, they sit down for a break and Courtney starts whining about how tough it was to know that he was on a date with Emily, and how if she didn't get a one-on-one date she wouldn't have accepted a rose, and how she's not sure she's comfortable bringing him home to meet her family, and how they've lost the spark, and Ben just sits there taking this nonsense.
Back at the house, the women are all complaining about Courtney, and Nicki is confident that the more time Ben spends with Courtney, the more her true colors will shine through.
Back at the temple, her true colors ARE shining through, but Ben is such the idiot that he talks about how much more he respects her for sharing her (petty, shallow, selfish) feelings like this. He says he wants someone with a little bit of an edge, a little bit weird, and he says she's unique, and she says it's really nice, because a lot of people don't always get her or understand it or whatever, and she asks if he'd feel comfortable meeting her family, and he says he would, and then they resume climbing to the top, and this majestic temple that is centuries old suffers the indignity of being reduced to a metaphor for a relationship between two morons on a horrible television show. Then they hold hands and cuddle and kiss and she rewards his spineless behaviour by telling him she's refound the spark. Oh! And Ben talks about how when he sees something amazing he often says, "Oh my Dad," which is somewhat strange and unsettling.
Later they sit down for dinner and talk about soulmates and how Courtney is now comfortable bringing him home to meet her parents and floats the possibility of Ben asking her dad Sauron for her hand in marriage, and now they are kissing, and Courtney sounds genuine when she tells us that she's high on love, and then she undermines it by telling the other women to suck it and then she fires pretend guns at everyone, making "pew! pew!" noises. She even turns her hands sideways for the killshot.
Back at the house, the group date card arrives for Rachel, Nicki and Kacie (which isn't a surprise since they were the only three left): "Let's sea whose family I will meet," reads the card. Emily, who wasn't there when Courtney's date card arrived, asks what her reaction was, and they talk about how it met with her approval.
Back at dinner, Courtney is now complaining about how the other women don't ask her anything about her life, even though she "totally, 100 percent" asks them about their lives, but then she talks about how boring and vanilla the other women are and how exhausting it is to listen to all of them talking. Ben is concerned that she's not getting along with the other women, and he brings up Emily, and she's all, "That was on her," and she says it's not that she's not getting along with them, it's just that they're wearing her out. Then she somehow uses her modeling career as proof that she knows how to please people? Or something? And then she says, "I am not impressed by these women. Or girls, I don't even believe they're women," and every second that goes by without Ben dumping her ass is like another IQ point that I shave off my estimation of him.
To his credit, he does, in an interview, tell us that it's somewhat concerning to hear how defensive she is when she talks about this stuff. He's worried about being with a woman who no one likes. Ultimately, it really only matters whether he likes her, but it could be a problem if the reason no one else likes her is that she's extraordinarily unlikeable.
Anyway, it's group date time: Ben goes to wake up the women at four AM, and tells them to put on their bathing suits, which is weird because I sort of assumed that the women are always instructed to have bathing suits on underneath whatever else they may be wearing. At any rate, it makes for some amusing quick-leg-shave scenes.
They're going shark diving in Shark Alley, which as I'm sure everyone knows has the highest concentration of sharks in Belize. And Rachel claims to have a shark phobia, and talks about how even when she's in a lake she's convinced there are sharks there. Look, that's not a phobia. Sharks are scary. But being scared of sharks when you're in a lake? You may as well have a phobia of WEREWOLVES, for god's sake. At any rate, Rachel's bullshit phobia allows her to monopolize Ben's time, which pisses off Kacie. Nicki just seems happy that Courtney isn't there.
Anyway, no one is killed by or even loses a limb to any of the sharks, and the four of them retire to the beach where Ben can continue to find out if any of the women aren't comfortable with him meeting their families, which is so useless I can't even stand it. I mean, he's essentially asking, "Are you comfortable getting a rose this week?" Who's going to say "no" to that? I mean, Courtney did, but Ben was skinny-dipping-Stockholm-Syndromed to realize that. So, Rachel: yes. Nicki (who says "really real" again): yes. Kacie: yes.
Back at the house, Courtney is telling Lindzi and Emily that she assumes Ben is exhausted on the group date because of the late night they had last night. Ben's not too tired to kiss all the women on the group date. Anyway, he picks up the rose and lists all the reasons why each of them were awesome in their own way today, and then gives the rose to Kacie (who, despite being the only Kacie/Casey left, he is still calling "Kacie B.").
Following Courtney coming out on the balcony and seeing Kacie getting the rose and saying mean things about the other women, we see things get a little awkward on the group date when the women are united in warning Ben about Courtney. Nicki's leading the charge by warning him to "tread lightly." They all just want him to be happy, of course.
So it's cocktail party time, where the women sit around discussing how important these roses are, except for Courtney, who makes faces and then tells everyone to lighten up. "Ben's not the only guy in the world" she says, pointing out that whatever happens it's not their last chance at love. She's not wrong, but on this show, that sort of sentiment is like casually talking about how much you enjoy torturing animals, and Emily reacts with proportional shock.
Then Chris Harrison comes out to inform them that Ben's got his mind made up about what he wants to do so there's no point in having the cocktail party (since when is getting drunk not a good enough point?) and they're going straight through to the rose ceremony. Courtney babbles at us that she's ready to get rid of some women tonight. "See ya, wouldn't wanna be ya!" she says. I continue to think that Courtney may be an alien trying to pass for human.
Anyway, I somehow missed that the one-on-one dates didn't have roses riding on them, so I was a little confused when things started, although I guess it makes more sense than having a rose ceremony to give out just one rose. Anyway, Ben comes out and greets the women, and tells him how this week in Belize was incredible and the best week he's had and he got great insight into all of them.
But before he starts the rose ceremony, he wants to steal Courtney for a moment. She gives a bright "of course!" trying to conceal her surprise. That's because she hasn't seen this scene teased at EVERY COMMERCIAL BREAK FOR THE PAST TWO HOURS. The five remaining women huddle up to speculate about what's going on.
Of course, Ben's talking about the concerns that have been expressed about Courtney, and we see her babble about how she's been nothing but open and honest. It's a very chopped-up conversation, and it's hard to gauge what's happening.
The return to the group, and the ceremony gets underway, with Nicki getting the first rose. She squeals as she runs forward to accept it. Then Lindzi, which effectively signs the death warrant for Rachel, because it's either going to be Emily or Courtney getting the last rose. We keep getting clips of the women expressing hope that Courtney is going to be eliminated, which only makes me think that she's not going home this week, because I have seen a reality show before. And sure enough, the rose goes to Courtney. Emily looks gutted, but Emily is FAR too good for this show. Rachel seems hurt too. I got nothing against Rachel.
Rachel and Emily hug the other women goodbye. Rachel's the first to leave, and she cries and tells us she feels "very rejected." Being rejected will do that to you! She's got such a hitch in her voice from crying that the show has to put subtitles on the screen to tell us what she's saying.
Emily hugs Ben and walks away. "See ya, wouldn't wanna be ya," Courtney sing-songs as Emily leaves. She really is thirteen years old, isn't she? She keeps the crying mostly in check as she says she wants Ben to be happy, but then she loses it a little bit. Here's hoping she looks back on this one day and laughs. You know, like everyone else does every single week.Daniel is a writer in Newfoundland with a wife and a daughter. He's going to be sorry when Courtney unhinges her jaw and swallows him whole. Follow him on Twitter (@DanMacEachern) or email him at [email protected] Source