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Re: Smiles for the day [Re: elbert] #453257
12/11/12 10:27 AM
12/11/12 10:27 AM
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 3,280
Arizona USA
azbob Offline
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azbob  Offline
An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years.

He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said,
'I'm here to feed the alligator...'

Some old men can still think fast!


"Hold on Tight To Your Dreams" ELO
Re: Smiles for the day [Re: Amanda Syme] #453260
12/11/12 11:03 AM
12/11/12 11:03 AM
Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 471
Maryville, IL
Dita Offline
.
Dita  Offline
Amish elevator.....Priceless !

An Amish father and his son found themselves inside a building in the city where they observed moving walls that would open and people came out.

The boy asked, 'What is this Father?'
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last numberů and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son.....

'Go get your Mother'




Re: Smiles for the day [Re: Dita] #453293
12/11/12 05:37 PM
12/11/12 05:37 PM
Joined: Mar 2001
Posts: 11,046
Rockport, Maine
klcman Offline
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klcman  Offline
HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA may I borrow that?


_ _ _ _ _ _ _________________ _ _ _ _ _ _
But then what do I know, I am but a mere caveman
Re: Smiles for the day [Re: klcman] #453315
12/11/12 08:38 PM
12/11/12 08:38 PM
Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 471
Maryville, IL
Dita Offline
.
Dita  Offline
But of course! smile

Re: Smiles for the day [Re: Dita] #453317
12/11/12 08:49 PM
12/11/12 08:49 PM
Joined: Sep 2002
Posts: 10,850
Beautiful San Marcos, Texas
E
Ernie B Offline
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Ernie B  Offline
E
Ha, ha! You said "but" smile


Gun Control is Hitting Your Target.
Re: Smiles for the day [Re: Ernie B] #453319
12/11/12 10:23 PM
12/11/12 10:23 PM
Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 471
Maryville, IL
Dita Offline
.
Dita  Offline
That's what she said!

Re: Smiles for the day [Re: Dita] #453320
12/11/12 11:03 PM
12/11/12 11:03 PM
Joined: Sep 2002
Posts: 10,850
Beautiful San Marcos, Texas
E
Ernie B Offline
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Ernie B  Offline
E
smile


Gun Control is Hitting Your Target.
Re: Smiles for the day [Re: Amanda Syme] #453374
12/12/12 02:31 PM
12/12/12 02:31 PM
Joined: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,971
Coeur d'Alene Idaho, USA
champion Offline
.
champion  Offline
Two Stories BOTH TRUE - and worth reading!!!!
STORY NUMBER ONE

Many years ago, Al Capone virtually owned Chicago . Capone wasn't famous for anything heroic. He was notorious for enmeshing the windy city in everything from bootlegged booze and prostitution to murder.

Capone had a lawyer nicknamed 'Easy Eddie.' He was Capone's lawyer for a good reason. Eddie was very good! In fact, Eddie's skill at legal maneuvering kept Big Al out of jail for a long time.

To show his appreciation, Capone paid him very well. Not only was the money big, but Eddie got special dividends, as well. For instance, he and his family occupied a fenced-in mansion with live-in help and all of the conveniences of the day. The estate was so large that it filled an entire Chicago City block.

Eddie lived the high life of the Chicago mob and gave little consideration to the atrocity that went on around him.

Eddie did have one soft spot, however. He had a son that he loved dearly. Eddie saw to it that his young son had clothes, cars, and a good education. Nothing was withheld. Price was no object.

And, despite his involvement with organized crime, Eddie even tried to teach him right from wrong. Eddie wanted his son to be a better man than he was.

Yet, with all his wealth and influence, there were two things he couldn't give his son; he couldn't pass on a good name or a good example.

One day, Easy Eddie reached a difficult decision. Easy Eddie wanted to rectify wrongs he had done.

He decided he would go to the authorities and tell the truth about Al 'Scarface' Capone, clean up his tarnished name, and offer his son some semblance of integrity. To do this, he would have to testify against The Mob, and he knew that the cost would be great. So, he testified.

Within the year, Easy Eddie's life ended in a blaze of gunfire on a lonely Chicago Street . But in his eyes, he had given his son the greatest gift he had to offer, at the greatest price he could ever pay. Police removed from his pockets a rosary, a crucifix, a religious medallion, and a poem clipped from a magazine.

The poem read:

'The clock of life is wound but once, and no man has the power to tell just when the hands will stop, at late or early hour. Now is the only time you own. Live, love, toil with a will. Place no faith in time. For the clock may soon be still.'

STORY NUMBER TWO


World War II produced many heroes. One such man was Lieutenant Commander Butch O'Hare.

He was a fighter pilot assigned to the aircraft carrier Lexington in the South Pacific.

One day his entire squadron was sent on a mission. After he was airborne, he looked at his fuel gauge and realized that someone had forgotten to top off his fuel tank.

He would not have enough fuel to complete his mission and get back to his ship.

His flight leader told him to return to the carrier. Reluctantly, he dropped out of formation and headed back to the fleet.

As he was returning to the mother ship, he saw something that turned his blood cold; a squadron of Japanese aircraft was speeding its way toward the American fleet.

The American fighters were gone on a sortie, and the fleet was all but defenseless. He couldn't reach his squadron and bring them back in time to save the fleet. Nor could he warn the fleet of the approaching danger. There was only one thing to do. He must somehow divert them from the fleet.

Laying aside all thoughts of personal safety, he dove into the formation of Japanese planes. Wing-mounted 50 caliber's blazed as he charged in, attacking one surprised enemy plane and then another. Butch wove in and out of the now broken formation and fired at as many planes as possible until all his ammunition was finally spent.

Undaunted, he continued the assault. He dove at the planes, trying to clip a wing or tail in hopes of damaging as many enemy planes as possible, rendering them unfit to fly.

Finally, the exasperated Japanese squadron took off in another direction.

Deeply relieved, Butch O'Hare and his tattered fighter limped back to the carrier.

Upon arrival, he reported in and related the event surrounding his return. The film from the gun-camera mounted on his plane told the tale. It showed the extent of Butch's daring attempt to protect his fleet. He had, in fact, destroyed five enemy aircraft.
This took place on February 20, 1942, and for that action Butch became the Navy's first Ace of W.W.II, and the first Naval Aviator to win the Congressional Medal of Honor.

A year later Butch was killed in aerial combat at the age of 29. His home town would not allow the memory of this WW II hero to fade, and today, O'Hare Airport in Chicago is named in tribute to the courage of this great man.

So, the next time you find yourself at O'Hare International, give some thought to visiting Butch's memorial displaying his statue and his Medal of Honor. It's located between Terminals 1 and 2.


SO WHAT DO THESE TWO STORIES H AVE TO DO WITH EACH OTHER?


Butch O'Hare was 'Easy Eddie's' son.
(Pretty cool, eh!)


Reality is only an illusion that occurs due to a lack of alcohol
Re: Smiles for the day [Re: Amanda Syme] #453385
12/12/12 06:11 PM
12/12/12 06:11 PM
Joined: Nov 2000
Posts: 5,536
Birdland - 1 mile north
ScubaLdy Offline
.
ScubaLdy  Offline
Thanks - You just never know do you?


Harriette
Take only pictures leave only bubbles
Re: Smiles for the day [Re: Amanda Syme] #453453
12/13/12 12:36 PM
12/13/12 12:36 PM
Joined: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,971
Coeur d'Alene Idaho, USA
champion Offline
.
champion  Offline
Timmy writes Santa Claus


Dear Santa,

How are you? How is Mrs. Claus? I hope everyone, from the reindeer to the
elves, is fine. I have been a very good boy this year. I would like an X-Box
360 with Call of Duty IV and an iPhone 5 for Christmas. I hope you remember
that come Christmas Day.

Merry Christmas,

Timmy Jones

* * *

Dear Timmy,

Thank you for your letter. Mrs. Claus, the reindeer and the elves are all
fine and thank you for asking about them. Santa is a little worried all the
time you spend playing video games and texting. Santa wouldn't want you to
get fat. Since you have indeed been a good boy, I think I'll bring you
something you can go outside and play with.

Merry Christmas,

Santa Claus

* * *

Mr. Claus,

Seeing that I have fulfilled the "naughty vs. Nice" contract, set by you I
might add, I feel confident that you can see your way clear to granting me
what I have asked for. I certainly wouldn't want to turn this joyous season
into one of litigation. Also, don't you think that a jibe at my weight
coming from an overweight man who goes out once a year is a bit trite?

Respectfully,

Tim Jones

* * *

Mr. Jones,

While I have acknowledged you have met the "nice" criteria, need I remind
you that your Christmas list is a request and in no way is it a guarantee of
services provided. Should you wish to pursue legal action, well that is your
right. Please know, however, that my attorneys have been on retainer ever
since the Burgermeister Meisterburger incident and will be more than happy
to take you on in open court.

Additionally, the exercise I alluded to will not only improve your health,
but also improve your social skills and potentially help clear up a
complexion that looks like the bottom of the Burger King fry bin most days.

Very Truly Yours,

S Claus

* * *

Now look here Fat Man,

I told you what I want and I expect you to bring it. I was attempting to be
polite about this but you brought my looks and my friends into this. Now you
just be disrespecting me. I'm about to tweet my boys and we're going to be
waiting for your fat ass and I'm taking my game console, my game, my phone,
and whatever else I want. WHAT EVER I WANT, MAN!

T-Bone

* * *

Listen Pizza Face,

Seriously, you think a dude that breaks into every house in the world on one
night and never gets caught sweats a skinny G-banger wannabe? "He sees you
when you're sleeping; He knows when you're awake". Sound familiar, genius?
You know what kind of resources I have at my disposal. I got your shit
wired, Jack. I go all around the world and see ways to hurt people that if I
described them right now, you'd throw up your Totino's pizza roll all over
the carpet of your mom's basement. You're not getting what you asked for,
but I'm still stopping by your crib to stomp a mud hole in your ass and then
walk it dry. Chew on that, Petunia.

S Clizzy

* * *

Dear Santa,

Bring me whatever you see fit. I'll appreciate anything.

Timmy

* * *

Timmy,

That's what I thought you little bastard.

Santa



Reality is only an illusion that occurs due to a lack of alcohol
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