The day after his wife disappeared In a kayaking accident, an
Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.
"We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife", said one of the troopers.
"Tell me! Did you find her?", Wilkens exclaimed.
The troopers looked at each other.
One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news.. Which would you like to hear first?"
Fearing the worst, Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."
The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay .."
"Oh my God!", exclaimed Wilkens.
Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"
The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 twenty-five-pound king crabs and 6 good-sized Dungeness crabs clinging to her, and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch."
Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, then what's the great news?"
The trooper replied, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow."
Reality is only an illusion that occurs due to a lack of alcohol
Several days after President Obama was re-elected president, he went over to see Bill and Hillary Clinton for dinner at their spacious home.
After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked his host if he could use his personal bathroom.
When he entered Bill Clinton 's private toilet, he was astonished to see that Clinton had a gold urinal! Wow!
The next day, Obama told his wife, Michelle, about the urinal in Clinton 's private lavatory. "Just think,' he said, 'maybe I should get a gold urinal too. But on the other hand I think that it may be just a bit too self-indulgent... even for a guy like me!"
Later in the week, when Michelle had lunch with Hillary, she told Hillary how impressed her husband had been at his discovering that Bill had a gold urinal in his private bathroom.
Later that day, when Bill got home, Hillary smiled and said to Bill:
"I found out who pissed in your saxophone."
Reality is only an illusion that occurs due to a lack of alcohol
I know you have been laying awake at night wondering why baby diapers have brand names such as "Luvs", "Huggies," and "Pampers', while undergarments for old people are called "Depends".
Well here is the low down on the whole thing....
When babies shit in their pants, people are still gonna Luv'em, Hug'em and Pamper' em. When old people crap in their pants, it "Depends" on who's in their "Will"!
Reality is only an illusion that occurs due to a lack of alcohol
The best story of the year doesn't give the proper praise and credit for this painful, but understandable story as told by a loving wife........
The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Larry, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed.
The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."
You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Larry must have experienced. "Larry was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain.
We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Larry's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."
Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Larry.
"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Larry is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely." All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.
A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.
He said, "Hi, I'm Larry." The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum.
A husband reluctantly agreed to play in the couples' alternate shot Tournament at his club.
He teed off on the first hole, a par four, and blistered a drive 300 yards down the middle of the fairway.
Upon reaching the ball, the husband said to his wife, "Just hit it toward the green, anywhere around there will Be fine."
The wife proceeded to shank the ball deep into the woods. Undaunted, the husband said "That's OK, Sweetheart" and spent the full five minutes looking for the ball. He found it just in time, but in a horrible position. He played the shot of his life to get the ball within two feet of the hole. He told his wife to knock the ball in.
His wife then proceeded to knock the ball off the green and into a bunker. Still maintaining composure, the husband summoned all of his skill and holed the shot from the bunker.
He took the ball out of the hole and while walking off the green, put his arm around his wife and calmly said, "Honey, that was a bogey five and that's OK, but I think we can do better on the next hole".
To which she replied, "Listen, jackass, don't bitch at me, Only 2 of those 5 shots were mine."
Reality is only an illusion that occurs due to a lack of alcohol
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