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Re: Smiles for the day [Re: Amanda Syme] #496796
10/14/14 03:35 PM
10/14/14 03:35 PM
Joined: Nov 2000
Posts: 8,880
Canada
seashell Offline
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seashell  Offline
The rain was pouring and there was a big puddle in front of the pub. A ragged old man was standing there with a rod and hanging a string into the puddle. 
A tipsy- looking, curious gentleman came over to him and asked what he was doing. 
'Fishing,' the old man said simply.
'Poor old fool,' the gentleman thought and he invited the ragged old man to a drink in the pub. 
As he felt he should start some conversation while they were sipping their whisky, the gentleman asked, 
'And how many have you caught?'
'You're the eighth,' the old man answered.




A fish and a bird can fall in love, but where will they build their nest?

Re: Smiles for the day [Re: Amanda Syme] #496797
10/14/14 03:37 PM
10/14/14 03:37 PM
Joined: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,972
Coeur d'Alene Idaho, USA
champion Offline
.
champion  Offline
good one! grin


Reality is only an illusion that occurs due to a lack of alcohol
Re: Smiles for the day [Re: Amanda Syme] #496798
10/14/14 03:46 PM
10/14/14 03:46 PM
Joined: Nov 2000
Posts: 8,880
Canada
seashell Offline
.
seashell  Offline
Why Women Make Better Assassins


The CIA had an opening for an assassin.
After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were three finalists: two men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.
Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her."

The man said "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife".

The agent said, "Then you are not the right man for this job.
Take your wife and go home".



The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. The man
came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but Ican't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes, so take your wife and go home 




Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her
husband.

She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping sweat from her brow. 

"The gun was loaded with blanks" she said.
"I had to kill him with the chair………






A fish and a bird can fall in love, but where will they build their nest?

Re: Smiles for the day [Re: Amanda Syme] #496799
10/14/14 06:24 PM
10/14/14 06:24 PM
Joined: Nov 2000
Posts: 5,546
Birdland - 1 mile north
ScubaLdy Offline
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ScubaLdy  Offline
Guys - these were great. It's good to have some laughs again.


Harriette
Take only pictures leave only bubbles
Re: Smiles for the day [Re: Amanda Syme] #496856
10/16/14 08:07 AM
10/16/14 08:07 AM
Joined: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,972
Coeur d'Alene Idaho, USA
champion Offline
.
champion  Offline
Think about this:
1. Cows
2. The Constitution
3. The Ten Commandments


COWS
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the state of Washington? And, they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow.



THE CONSTITUTION
They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq ....
why don't we just give them ours?
It was written by a lot of really smart guys,
it has worked for over 200 years,
and we're not using it anymore.


THE 10 COMMANDMENTS
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse is this -- you cannot post:
'Thou Shalt Not Steal'
'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery,' and
'Thou Shall Not Lie'
in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians.
It creates a hostile work environment.




Reality is only an illusion that occurs due to a lack of alcohol
Re: Smiles for the day [Re: Amanda Syme] #496866
10/16/14 11:47 AM
10/16/14 11:47 AM
Joined: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,972
Coeur d'Alene Idaho, USA
champion Offline
.
champion  Offline
Medal of Honor recipient Tango Mike Mike
I never heard of him but what a story!


http://biggeekdad.com/2010/01/tango-mike-mike/#.VDlpw6KEEDA.email


Reality is only an illusion that occurs due to a lack of alcohol
Re: Smiles for the day [Re: Amanda Syme] #497059
10/20/14 12:04 PM
10/20/14 12:04 PM
Joined: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,972
Coeur d'Alene Idaho, USA
champion Offline
.
champion  Offline


A man in a Florida supermarket tries to buy half a head of lettuce.

The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce.

The man persists, and asks to see the manager. The boy says he'll ask his manager about it.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, -----

'Some knuckle-head wants to buy half a head of lettuce.'

As he finished his sentence, he turned around & found the man standing right behind
him, so he added, ------

'And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half.'

The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.

Later the manager said to the boy, -------

'I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people
who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?'

Canada , sir,' the boy replied.

Well, why did you leave Canada?' the manager asked.

The boy said, 'Sir, there's nothing but whores, and hockey players up there.'

Really?' said the manager. 'My wife is from Canada.'

No kidding?' replied the boy. 'Who'd she play for?'

smirk


Reality is only an illusion that occurs due to a lack of alcohol
Re: Smiles for the day [Re: Amanda Syme] #497152
10/22/14 03:17 PM
10/22/14 03:17 PM
Joined: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,972
Coeur d'Alene Idaho, USA
champion Offline
.
champion  Offline
[Linked Image]


After a long day of HGB golf on the course, I stopped in at ‘Hooter's’ to see some friends and have some hot Wings and drinks.

After being there for a while, one of my friends asked me which waitress I would like to be stuck in an elevator with.

I told him "The one who knows how to fix elevators."

I'm old, tired, and pee a lot.




Reality is only an illusion that occurs due to a lack of alcohol
Re: Smiles for the day [Re: champion] #497199
10/23/14 11:43 AM
10/23/14 11:43 AM
Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 993
Palm Springs
Bing Crosby Offline
.
Bing Crosby  Offline
Originally Posted by champion
[Linked Image]


After a long day of HGB golf on the course, I stopped in at ‘Hooter's’ to see some friends and have some hot Wings and drinks.

After being there for a while, one of my friends asked me which waitress I would like to be stuck in an elevator with.

I told him "The one who knows how to fix elevators."

I'm old, tired, and pee a lot.


That explains a lot about you champion.


Re: Smiles for the day [Re: Amanda Syme] #497209
10/23/14 08:01 PM
10/23/14 08:01 PM
Joined: May 2007
Posts: 526
Wet Coast of Canada, On an isl...
VT-CDN Offline
.
VT-CDN  Offline
Closed account on the link !

Last edited by VT-CDN; 11/07/14 09:11 PM.

a lethal combination of smart dairyair and dumb dairyair .
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