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#515889 - 07/11/16 08:43 AM Re: much needed laugh time [Re: ScubaLdy]  
Joined: Jun 2001
Posts: 1,291
dabunk Offline
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dabunk  Offline
The madam opened the brothel door in Winnipeg and saw a rather
dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.

"May I help you, sir?"she asked.

"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.


"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else."

'No, I must see Valerie."

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $5,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to her. They went upstairs.

After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive. But there were no discounts. The price was still $5,000. Again, the man pulled out the money, and they went upstairs.


After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was
astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie questioned the man. "No one has
ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?"

"Ontario," he said.

"Really", she said. "I have family in Ontario ."

"I know. Your sister died, and I am her attorney. She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance."


The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain.
1. Death.
2. Taxes.
3. Being screwed by a lawyer.


#515891 - 07/11/16 09:24 AM Re: much needed laugh time [Re: ScubaLdy]  
Joined: Jun 2001
Posts: 1,291
dabunk Offline
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dabunk  Offline
A Mafia Godfather learns that his bookkeeper has embezzled ten million dollars. The bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not be able to hear anything that he'd ever have to testify about in court. So when the Godfather interrogates the bookkeeper about the missing $10 million, he brings along an attorney who knows sign language.

The Godfather asks the bookkeeper, "Where's the 10 million you embezzled from me?"
The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the 10 million is hidden.
The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about." The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a 9 mm pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple, cocks it, and says, "Ask him again!"
The attorney signs to the bookkeeper: "He'll kill you for sure if you don't tell him!"
The bookkeeper signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens !"
The Godfather asks the attorney, "Well, what'd he say?"
The attorney replies, "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."
Don't ya just love lawyers

#515892 - 07/11/16 09:28 AM Re: much needed laugh time [Re: ScubaLdy]  
Joined: Jun 2001
Posts: 1,291
dabunk Offline
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dabunk  Offline
A Montana rancher got in his pickup and drove to a neighbouring ranch and knocked at the door. A young boy, about 9, opened the door.
'Is yer Dad home?' the rancher asked.
'No sir, he ain't,' the boy replied. 'He went into town.'
'Well,' said the rancher, 'is yer Mom here?'
'No, sir, she ain 't here neither. She went into town with Dad.'
'How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?'
'He went with Mom and Dad.'


The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.
'Is there anything I can do fer ya?' the boy asked politely. 'I knows where all the tools are, if you want to borry one. Or maybe I could take message fer Dad.'
'Well,' said the rancher uncomfortably, 'I really wanted to talk to yer Dad.
It's about your Brother Howard getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, pregnant.'


The boy considered for a moment. 'You would have to talk to Pa about that' he finally conceded. 'If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but, I really don't know how much he gets fer Howard.'


#515894 - 07/11/16 11:06 AM Re: much needed laugh time [Re: ScubaLdy]  
Joined: Jun 2001
Posts: 1,291
dabunk Offline
.
dabunk  Offline
There's an old sea story in the Navy about a ship's Captain
who inspected his sailors, and afterward told the Chief
Boson's Mate that his men smelled bad.

The Captain suggested perhaps it would help if the sailors
would change underwear occasionally.

The Chief responded, "Aye, aye sir, I'll see to it immediately!"

The Chief went straight to the sailors berth deck and
announced, "The Captain thinks you guys smell bad and
wants you to change your underwear.

"Pittman, you change with Jones; McCarthy, you change with

Witkowski; and Brown, you change with Schultz. Now get to it!!!"

THE MORAL:
Someone may be promising "Change" in Washington ;
but don't count on things smelling any better!

Have a good week

#523984 - 06/09/17 03:51 PM Re: much needed laugh time [Re: ScubaLdy]  
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 138
ronmyway Offline
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ronmyway  Offline
A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman walk in to a bar. After while, they start talking about the bars back home:

"As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home.
In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's......The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."

"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said Paddy Sheehan, the Irishman. "Back home in me favourite pub in Galway, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually.
Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you get laid, all on the house."

The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims.
"Did this actually happen to you?"
"Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times."

ronmyway

#523989 - 06/10/17 06:43 AM Re: much needed laugh time [Re: ScubaLdy]  
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 361
Shyboy Offline
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Shyboy  Offline
A little while later a ham sandwich walked into the same bar and ordered a beer... The bartender looked at him and said "SORRY, we don't serve food here"


A little known fact... Women who are overweight tend to live longer than men who mention it...
#524089 - 06/16/17 01:20 PM Re: much needed laugh time [Re: ScubaLdy]  
Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 2,013
Loansum-Al K Offline
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Loansum-Al K  Offline
The day before Thanksgiving, an elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing, forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says.

"We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "They're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own fares! Now what do we tell them for Christmas?!?


I'm happier than a pig in s__t...a foot on the sand...and a Belikin in my hand!
#524108 - 06/17/17 12:31 PM Re: much needed laugh time [Re: ScubaLdy]  
Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 1,293
Judyann H. Offline
.
Judyann H.  Offline
Ha ha ha ha..... smile smile


My friends call me Judyann

www.blackorchidrestaurant.com
#524598 - 07/18/17 01:44 PM Re: much needed laugh time [Re: Judyann H.]  
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 3,276
azbob Offline
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azbob  Offline
Will I Live to see 80?
(Here's something to think about.)

I recently had to choose a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, she said I was doing fairly well for my age. (I am 74, I really am).
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking her, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'
She asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?'
'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'
Then she asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?'
'I said, 'Not much... My former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'
'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'
'No, I don't,' I said.
She asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'
'No,' I said.........
She looked at me and said, 'Then, why do you even give a shit?


"Hold on Tight To Your Dreams" ELO
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