Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 2 of 2 1 2
#523303 - 05/01/17 05:42 PM Re: Time to laugh or smile [Re: azbob]  
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 164
katzgar Offline
.
katzgar  Offline
Sid and Irv are business partners. They make a deal that whichever one dies first will contact the living one from the afterlife. So Irv dies. Sid doesn’t hear from him for about a year, figures there is no afterlife. Then one day he gets a call. It’s Irv. ‘So there is an afterlife! What’s it like?’ Sid asks. ‘Well, I sleep very late. I get up, have a big breakfast. Then I have sex, lots of sex. Then I go back to sleep, but I get up for lunch, have a big lunch. Have some more sex, take a nap. Huge dinner. More sex. Go to sleep and wake up the next day.’ ‘Oh, my God,’ says Sid. ‘So that’s what heaven is like?’ ‘Oh no,’ says Irv. ‘I’m not in heaven. I’m a bear in Yellowstone Park.’

#523463 - 05/09/17 10:35 AM Re: Time to laugh or smile [Re: azbob]  
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 3,275
azbob Offline
.
azbob  Offline
Lucille says it right AGAIN!

Don’t mix up your meds!


Getting old is so hard at times.
Yesterday I got Preparation “H” mixed up with Poli-Grip.

Now, I talk like an asshole.

…but my gums don’t itch.


"Hold on Tight To Your Dreams" ELO
#523468 - 05/09/17 08:34 PM Re: Time to laugh or smile [Re: azbob]  
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 360
Shyboy Offline
.
Shyboy  Offline
Thank goodness one of them wasn't the Viagra prescription.


A little known fact... Women who are overweight tend to live longer than men who mention it...
#524834 - 07/30/17 10:14 AM Re: Time to laugh or smile [Re: azbob]  
Joined: May 2000
Posts: 6,649
Amanda Syme Offline
Amanda Syme  Offline
I know this has been posted before = but it is worth another run:

As I get older, I realize:

#1 - I talk to myself, because there are times I need expert advice.

#2 - I consider "On Trend" to be the clothes that still fit.

#3 - I don't need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off.

#4 - My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance for idiots that needs work.

#5 - The biggest lie I tell myself is, "I don't need to write that down. I'll remember it."

#6 - I have days when my life is just a tent away from a circus.

#7 - These days, "on time" is when I get there.

#8 - Even duct tape can't fix stupid - but it sure does muffle the sound.

#9 - Wouldn't it be wonderful if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes, then come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller?

#10 - Lately, I've noticed people my age are so much older than me.

#11 - "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering why I'm there.

#12 - When I was a child, I thought nap time was punishment. Now it feels like a mini vacation.

#13 - Some days I have no idea what I'm doing out of bed.

#14 - I thought growing old would take longer.

#15 - Aging sure has slowed me down, but it hasn't shut me up.

#16 - I still haven't learned to act my age.

And remember..... Youth is a gift of nature. Age is a work of art.

#524856 - 07/31/17 08:02 PM Re: Time to laugh or smile [Re: Amanda Syme]  
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 3,275
azbob Offline
.
azbob  Offline
Four worms and a lesson learned!!


A minister decided that a visual demonstration
would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol...Dead!

The second worm in cigarette smoke...Dead!


Third worm in chocolate syrup...Dead!.



Fourth worm in good clean soil...Alive?!

So the Minister asked the congregation, "So, my friends?
What did you learn from this demonstration?"



Maxine, sitting in the back, raised her hand and said . . .

"As long as you drink,
smoke and eat chocolate,
you won't have worms!"


That pretty much ended the service!


"Hold on Tight To Your Dreams" ELO
#525519 - 08/30/17 07:05 PM Re: Time to laugh or smile [Re: azbob]  
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 3,275
azbob Offline
.
azbob  Offline
For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated,
'If Ford had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.'

In response to Bill's comments, Ford issued a press release stating:

If Ford had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash, twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single 'This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation' warning light.

7. The airbag system would ask 'Are you sure?' before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the 'Start' button to turn the engine off.

PS - I 'd like to add that when all else fails, you could call 'customer service' in some foreign country and be instructed in some foreign language how to fix your car yourself!


"Hold on Tight To Your Dreams" ELO
#525533 - 08/31/17 10:30 AM Re: Time to laugh or smile [Re: azbob]  
Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 1,287
Judyann H. Offline
.
Judyann H.  Offline
Ha ha ha ha....This is clever and funny..... Nice Laugh for the day....


My friends call me Judyann

www.blackorchidrestaurant.com
Page 2 of 2 1 2

Links
Portofino Resort- Now with a new BEACH BAR!!

Click for excellent scuba lessons with Elbert Greer!


Things to do

News
Daily News
Daily Weather

Classified Ads
BelizeNews.com
San Pedro Sun
Ambergris Today
SP Town Council
Channel 7
Channel 5
Amandala
Love FM
The Reporter
PLUS TV
TV Newscasts
Radio Stations

Click for our
Search thousands of Belizean-only websites

Event Guides
Event Calendar
Specials & Events
Things to Do
SanPedroScoop
iTravel Belize
Paradise Theater
Paradise Guy Event Calendar

Blogs
San Pedro Scoop!
Tia Chocolate
Tacogirl
My Beautiful Belize
I-Travel Belize
Belize Adventure
Belize Hub
Romantic Travel
Bound for Belize
Conch Creative
As The Coconuts Drop
More Blogs...
Search thousands of Belizean-only websites
Chaa Creek is an award-winning luxury Belize Resort, rated as one of the worlds best Eco Lodges. We are a pioneer in adventure travel to Belize since 1981!
White Sands Dive Shop - 5 Star PADI Dive Facility - Daily diving, SCUBA instruction and Snorkeling
Caribbean Inspired All Natural Condiments & Spice Blends, Over 100 are Gluten Free!
We manage a variety of homes, apartments, condos and commercial properties here on Ambergris Caye. Our minimum lease on ALL properties is six months.
Conch Shell Inn: All rooms are right on the beach in the heart of San Pedro, so within walking distance to anything and everything!!
Lil Alphonse has snorkel equipment to fit anyone as well as Marine Park Tickets and flotation devices to assist those not as experienced.
Coastal Xpress offers a daily scheduled ferry run to most resorts, restaurants and private piers on the island of Anbergris Caye. We also offer  private and charter water taxi service.
September
S M T W T F S
1 2
3 4 5 6 7 8 9
10 11 12 13 14 15 16
17 18 19 20 21 22 23
24 25 26 27 28 29 30
Cayo Espanto
Click for Cayo Espanto, and have your own private island
More Links
Click for exciting and adventurous tours of Belize with Katie Valk!
Mini Chat
Who's Online Now
0 registered members (), 210 guests, and 9 spiders.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Statistics
Forums44
Topics65,214
Posts465,330
Members18,905
Most Online1,262
Jun 10th, 2007



AmbergrisCaye.com CayeCaulker.org HELP! Visitor Center Goods & Services San Pedro Town
BelizeSearch.com Message Board Lodging Diving Fishing Things to Do History
BelizeNews.com Maps Phonebook Belize Business Directory
BelizeCards.com Picture of the Day

The opinions and views expressed on this board are the subjective opinions of Ambergris Caye Message Board members
and not of the Ambergris Caye Message Board its affiliates, or its employees.

Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.6.0