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ok, back to some useless humor...

Posted By: Anonymous

ok, back to some useless humor... - 11/16/01 07:18 PM

this is titled: Male Bashing

A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of?
> >Dating children.
> >
> >How can you tell soap operas are fictional?
> >In real life, men aren't affectionate out of bed.
> >
> >What should you give a man who has everything?
> > A. A woman to show him how to work it.
> > B. Penicillin
> >
> >Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
> > To stop the snoring before it starts.
> >
> >Why don't men have mid-life crises?
> > They stay stuck in adolescence.
> >
> >How does a man show he's planning for the Future?
> > He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
> >
> >How was Colonel Sanders a typical male?
> > All he cared about were legs, breasts, and thighs.
> >
> >How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus?
> > At the circus the clowns don't talk.
> >
> >Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
> > For the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
> >
> >Why are husbands like lawn mowers?
> > They're hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don't work half the
> >time.
> >
> >What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
> > A. A dog is always happy to see you
> > B. A dog only takes a couple of months to train
> >
> >Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera?
> > Just when it's getting interesting, they're finished until next time.
> >
> >Why are blonde jokes so short?
> > So men can remember them.
> >
> >What do you call a man with half a brain?
> > Gifted.
> >
> >What is the difference between a man and a catfish?
> > One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker and the other is a fish.
> >
> >What did God say after creating man?
> > I can do better.
> >
> >Husband: Want a quickie?
> > Wife: As opposed to what?
> >
> >Why do men want to marry virgins?
> > They can't stand criticism.
> >
> >What do you have when you have two little balls in your hand?
> > A man's undivided attention.
> >
> >How is a man like a snowstorm?
> > Because you don't know when he's coming, how many inches you'll
> > get, or how long it'll stay.
> >
> >Why do jocks play on artificial turf?
> > To keep them from grazing.
> >
> >If men got pregnant.... abortion would be available in convenience
> >stores and drive-through windows.
> >
> >Why do men name their penises?
> > Because they want to be on a first-name basis with the one who
> > makes all their decisions.
Posted By: NYgal

Re: ok, back to some useless humor... - 11/16/01 07:34 PM

LOL......we needed that Jane.
Posted By: Sandshaker

Re: ok, back to some useless humor... - 11/16/01 07:57 PM

This was sent to me yesterday by Chloe:
MEN...for those of you who don't understand the fine art of cooking a turkey...you won't understand a few of these...the rest you should have NO problem with! [Linked Image]


Things you can only say at Thanksgiving and get away with

01. Talk about a huge breast!
02. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
03. It's Cool Whip time!
04. If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!
05. Whew, that's one terrific spread!
06. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.
07. Are you ready for seconds yet?
08. It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
09. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
10. Don't play with your meat.
11. Just spread the legs open and stuff it in.
12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at
once?
13. I didn't expect everyone to come at once!
14. You still have a little bit on your chin.
15. How long will it take after you stick it in? .
16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
17. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!
18. That's the biggest one I've ever seen!
19. How long do I beat it before it's ready

LOL [Linked Image]
Posted By: KC

Re: ok, back to some useless humor... - 11/16/01 08:55 PM

> A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the
> doctor to come in. The doctor arrived, examined the baby and asked if
> the baby was breast fed or bottle fed. "Breast fed," she replied.
> "Well, strip down to your waist, "the doctor ordered. She did. He
> pressed, kneaded and pinched both breasts for a while in a detailed
> examination.
> Motioning to her to get dressed he said, "No wonder this baby is hungry.
> You don't have any milk." "I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm
> glad I came."
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: ok, back to some useless humor... - 11/16/01 09:20 PM

Subject: Swearing
A five year old and a four year old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know
what?" says the five year old, "I think it's about time we start swearing."
The four year old nods his head in approval. The 5 year old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna say "hell," and you say "ass," okay?" The four year old agrees with enthusiasm.

The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the five year old what he wants for breakfast. "Aw hell Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."...WHACK!
He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs bawling.

The mom looks at the four year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?" "I'm not sure," he
says, "but you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios."
Posted By: forick

Re: ok, back to some useless humor... - 11/16/01 10:26 PM

OK you guys (gals),
I got a real story for you. During my last trip to AC the capt of the sail boat and I were fishing. Every time he pulled in a fish he said "Hellooo, Shasha!", or "Helloo Jasmine!" or other names. I asked what he did that for. He replyed that he was saying hello to all his ex-wifes. HA HA Ha I'm proud to say that I dodn't have any Ex's.
forick
Posted By: LaurieMar

Re: ok, back to some useless humor... - 11/17/01 03:55 AM

Good jokes, needed the laugh. Keep em coming! Hee hee.
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