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Mrs.Zeke wrote this after having to pee at Fido's

Posted By: CAPTAIN bigzeke

Mrs.Zeke wrote this after having to pee at Fido's - 09/16/02 03:01 PM

My mother was a fanatic about public toilets. As a little girl, she'd bring me in the stall, teach me to wad up toilet paper and wipe the seat. Then, she'd carefully lay strips of toilet paper to cover the seat. Finally, she'd instruct, "Never, never sit on a public toilet seat." Imagine if she ever saw Fido's!
She'd demonstrate "The Stance," which consisted of balancing over the toilet in a sitting position without actually letting any of your flesh make contact with the toilet seat. But by this time, I'd have peed down my leg. We'd go home.
That was a long time ago. I've had lots of experience with public toilets since then, but I'm still not particularly fond of public toilets, especially those with powerful, redeye sensors. Don't think that Fido's has these..HaHa! Those toilets, know when you want them to flush. They are psychic toilets. But I always confuse their psychic ability by following my mother's advice and assuming "The Stance." "The Stance" is excruciatingly difficult to maintain when one's bladder is especially full. This is most likely to occur after watching a full-length feature film.
During the movie pee, it is nearly impossible to hold "The Stance." You know what I mean. You drink a 2 liter cup of Diet Coke, then sit still through a 3 hour saga because for God's sake, even if you didn't wipe or wash your hands in the bathroom, you'd still miss the pivotal part of the movie or the 2nd scene, in which they flash the leading man's naked derriere. So, you cross your legs and hold it. You hold it until the first credit rolls and you spring to the bathroom, about ready to explode all over your internal organs.
At the bathroom, you find a line of women that makes you think there's a
1/2 price sale on Mel Gibson's or my husband Zeke's underwear in there. So, you wait and smile politely at all the other ladies, also crossing their legs and smiling politely. You finally get closer. You check for feet under the stall doors. Every one is occupied. You hope no one is doing frivolous things behind those stall doors, like blowing her nose or checking the contents of her wallet.
Finally, a stall door opens and you dash, nearly knocking down the women leaving the stall. You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter. You hand your handbag on the door hook, yank down your pants and assume "The Stance." Relief. More relief. Then your thighs begin to shake. You'd love to sit down but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold "The Stance." Your thighs experience a quake that would register an 8 on the Richter Scale.
To take your mind off it, you reach for the toilet paper. Might as well be ready when you are done. The toilet paper dispenser is empty. Your thighs shake more. You remember the tiny napkin you wiped your fingers on after eating buttered popcorn. It would have to do. You crumble it in the puffiest way possible. It is still smaller than your thumbnail. Someone pushes open your stall door because the latch doesn't work and your pocketbook whams you in the head. "Occupied!" you scream as you reach out for the door, dropping your buttered popcorn napkin in a puddle and falling backward, directly onto the toilet seat.
You get up quickly, but it's too late. Your bare bottom has made contact with all the germs and life forms on the bare seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper, not that that was any, even if you had enough time to. Your mother would be utterly ashamed of you if she knew, because her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly, "You don't know what kind of diseases you could get."
By this time the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet, is so confused that it flushes, sending a stream of water akin to a fountain and then it suddenly sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged to China.
At that point, you give up. You're finished peeing. You're soaked by the splashing water. You're exhausted. You try to wipe with a Chicklet wrapper you found in your pocket, then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks. You can't figure out how to operate the sinks with the automatic sensor, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past a line of women, still waiting, cross-legged and unable to smile politely at this point.
One kind soul at the very end of the line points out that you are trailing a piece of toilet paper on your shoe as long at the Mississippi River! You yank the paper from the shoe, plunk it in the woman's hand and say warmly, "Here you might need this."
At this time you see your spouse, who has entered, used and exited his bathroom and read a copy of "War and Peace" while waiting for you. "What took you so long?" he asks annoyed. This is when you kick him sharply in the shin and go home.
This is dedicated to all women everywhere who have ever had to deal with a public toilet. It also finally explains to all you men what takes us so long. That's a big AMEN!
Posted By: GAY AND DAVID

Re: Mrs.Zeke wrote this after having to pee at Fido's - 09/16/02 03:15 PM

in a word, i call that "hovering"

also, you must never touch the flush lever with your bare hands. if it is low enough you can use your toe. . . if not wrap your hand with t paper first.
gay
Posted By: Bobber

Re: Mrs.Zeke wrote this after having to pee at Fido's - 09/16/02 03:51 PM

But, that still doesn't explain where Penis envy came from, originally.
Posted By: belizeanblue

Re: Mrs.Zeke wrote this after having to pee at Fido's - 09/16/02 05:24 PM

isn't penis envy where you look over to the other urinal and see that the other guy has a bigger one????

or is it....

finding out that HER boyfriend has a bigger one than YOUR girlfriend?

or is it....

finding out that HIS boyfriend has a bigger on than YOUR boyfriend.
Posted By: Bobber

Re: Mrs.Zeke wrote this after having to pee at Fido's - 09/16/02 06:15 PM

Nope, not unless you are abnormally insecure.
Posted By: GAY AND DAVID

Re: Mrs.Zeke wrote this after having to pee at Fido's - 09/16/02 06:37 PM

penis envy is when for every 85 cents that a woman earns, the man next to you is making $1.00 for the same work.
gay
Posted By: Chloe

Re: Mrs.Zeke wrote this after having to pee at Fido's - 09/16/02 06:50 PM

My only P E is because I cannot live my life brainless too.

Ok yeah, and that .85 to 1.00, too.
Posted By: Bobber

Re: Mrs.Zeke wrote this after having to pee at Fido's - 09/16/02 06:52 PM

Nothing whatsoever to do with a Penis. Whenever a penis is involved in a business deal, it is a liability and not an asset.

Why do I get the impression I am fighting this battle alone?
Posted By: Johnboy

Re: Mrs.Zeke wrote this after having to pee at Fido's - 09/16/02 07:43 PM

Bobber,
None of my business really, but have you ever really "Won" an arguement with a woman???????
Posted By: KC

Re: Mrs.Zeke wrote this after having to pee at Fido's - 09/16/02 08:14 PM

Johnboy -- You are so smart.
Bobber -- Take lessons from Johnboy.

[Linked Image]
Posted By: klcman

Re: Mrs.Zeke wrote this after having to pee at Fido's - 09/16/02 08:15 PM

does the rule of 2BZ = 1 US still apply to P. E. ??
Posted By: Bobber

Re: Mrs.Zeke wrote this after having to pee at Fido's - 09/16/02 09:00 PM

Johnboy, you're right. I give up. I apologize. I must be suffering from THE MALE VERSION OF PMS to have even tried.

I was just trying to point out that guys don't worry all that much about public restrooms. In and out. stool or trough, tree or rock, makes no difference. Not something to even worry about (for a guy). I should think all that extra time could be spent on another beer.

2 inchs BZ = 1 inch US? You may be on to something.
Posted By: sweetjane

Re: Mrs.Zeke wrote this after having to pee at Fido's - 09/16/02 09:13 PM

so YOU say. my husband has complained of 'stage fright' in public bathrooms for years, and envies that we get private stalls.

if the guy standing next to him even acknowledges that he is there...forget it. he cant go. then it is ME standing there waiting for HIM! (tho i never have to hold his purse)
Posted By: Bobber

Re: Mrs.Zeke wrote this after having to pee at Fido's - 09/16/02 10:16 PM

oddly enough, my son has the same problem. Musta got it from the deep end of the gene pool.
In the Navy, we were lucky to have seats, much less stalls. do it or die.
My buddies in the Army used to refer to a portable rest room as "Hey, can I borrow your helmet for a few minutes"?

Universal solution? Zip-Lock
Posted By: klcman

Re: Mrs.Zeke wrote this after having to pee at Fido's - 09/16/02 11:04 PM

now SJ - There's another use for ziplocks I bet ya never thought of!!!!!!
Posted By: Enigma

Re: Mrs.Zeke wrote this after having to pee at Fido's - 09/16/02 11:41 PM

Bobber I guess you guys don't worry a lot about it because you don't have to sit on a toilet seat that 100 other people before you have pissed on, LOL.

Penis envy? Yea, I can relate. It must be so convenient to just whip it out and go wherever you want without having to worry about contaminating yourself with somebody else's "mess". That sure would have come in handy on my fishing trips and those long road trips.

I'm not as picky as some women. I will wipe a seat until I feel it is sufficiently clean (if there is such a thing on a toilet) and then I don't have a problem with sitting on the seat. I figure what germs are there will not survive me scraping against them as I pull my drawers up, let alone find their way into any crevices or orifices! LMAO
I believe in many showers a day so they get annialated soon enough.

And by the way...
LADIES...if you are going to adhere to Mom's teachings of squatting and not sitting, then PLEASE clean up your messes before you leave. There is nothing worse than having to wipe up somebody else's [#%!]. That is nasty and bad home training on your part. JMHO

I also don't believe in spending half a day in the bathroom. I personally have never enjoyed a bathroom enough to spend more time than is absolutely necessary. Sometimes when I'm standing in line in a public bathroom, usually in a mad panic to go, I can't for the life of me figure out what takes some women so long to get done and out of there. I mean how long does it take for you to pee, wipe, fix clothes, flush and get out???? They must be sitting there putting their make up on or something. My personal opinion is that is very rude and insensitive to the NEEDS of others. Many times I've wanted to reach under the stall and grab them by their ankles and snatch them under the door! LOL I'm in, do my business, and get the hell out.
The only time I enjoy time in the bathroom is in my own home in a nice long hot bath with all the frills. But then I'm enjoying the bath, not the bathroom. LOL

Why are we discussing this?????

LOL [Linked Image]
Posted By: Bobber

Re: Mrs.Zeke wrote this after having to pee at Fido's - 09/17/02 01:19 AM

That damn tree is a hundred years old, you think no one has ever peed on it before?

That's enough.
Posted By: Dr Buzzard

Re: Mrs.Zeke wrote this after having to pee at Fido's - 09/17/02 01:24 AM

I can write my name in the sand or the snow -- either one. It's just that the snow gets kind of cold if I let it slip!
Posted By: RobertE

Re: Mrs.Zeke wrote this after having to pee at Fido's - 09/17/02 05:43 AM

Here is a link that will solve everyone's problem.
http://www.bumperdumper.com/bumper2.htm
Posted By: LaurieMar

Re: Mrs.Zeke wrote this after having to pee at Fido's - 09/17/02 02:17 PM

Robert: I owe you a shot of Vitamin T for that one. Too funny!
Posted By: LaurieMar

Re: Mrs.Zeke wrote this after having to pee at Fido's - 09/17/02 02:22 PM

Robert: I owe you a shot of Vitamin T for that one. Too funny!
Posted By: Enigma

Re: Mrs.Zeke wrote this after having to pee at Fido's - 09/17/02 03:00 PM

LOL
I think this guy has too much time on his hands! I know I don't want anyone named "Uncle Booger" sending me ANYTHING! LOL
Posted By: Ernie B

Re: Mrs.Zeke wrote this after having to pee at Fido's - 09/17/02 03:39 PM

tyshepp, that snow is not only cold, it's also DEEP
Posted By: RobertE

Re: Mrs.Zeke wrote this after having to pee at Fido's - 09/17/02 04:20 PM

Laurie - I'll take you up on that shot. I told Becky we would all meet her at the boat or plane dependent on how she arrives and whisk her to BC's. We'll have a few up on her and she'll need to catch up so we can celebrate your B-Day in proper form. We'll be staying next door at Mata Rocks. See ya soon.
Posted By: Johnboy

Re: Mrs.Zeke wrote this after having to pee at Fido's - 09/17/02 04:33 PM

RobertE, You will LOVE MataRocks!!!!! Tell them that "Crazy Texan" said Hello! John
Posted By: lmarquis

Re: Mrs.Zeke wrote this after having to pee at Fido's - 09/17/02 09:31 PM

Robert: don't think Becky will need any catching up. She has done quite well in that department upon her arrival in the past. She knows what to do and she does it well: courtesy of American Airlines and Jet's Bar.
Posted By: RobertE

Re: Mrs.Zeke wrote this after having to pee at Fido's - 09/17/02 09:48 PM

Laurie - Ms Becky failed to share that dirty little secret. Seeing as how she has and early flight and will be sipping mimosas all morn, we might be the one's who need catching up. On second thought, probably not.
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