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Women

Posted By: Dr Buzzard

Women - 01/20/03 10:30 PM

All women are born evil. Some just realize their potential later in life than others. -- Chad A. Gamble, Escape, short story
Posted By: Miss Anthropy

Re: Women - 01/20/03 11:10 PM

"I married beneath me...All women do." Mary Astor wink
Posted By: GAY AND DAVID

Re: Women - 01/20/03 11:39 PM

A woman's perfect Breakfast

She's sitting at the table .... Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box. Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week Her boyfriend is on
the cover of Playgirl and her husband is on the back of the milk carton.
laugh
Posted By: Dr Buzzard

Re: Women - 01/20/03 11:46 PM

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
Posted By: sweetjane

Re: Women - 01/21/03 12:07 AM

say what you may...we are still the keepers of the sex, and you will continue to do as we wish.

- me, today
Posted By: Dr Buzzard

Re: Women - 01/21/03 12:17 AM

4 Secrets to Happy Relationships:
It is important to find a woman who cooks and cleans
It is important to find a woman who makes good money
It is important to find a woman who likes to have sex
It is important that these three women never meet
Posted By: Dr Buzzard

Re: Women - 01/21/03 12:57 AM

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
Posted By: JmHanna

Re: Women - 01/21/03 01:22 AM

Pastor Jim was winding up his temperance sermon with great favor, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river!" And the congregation cried, "Amen!"
"And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it in the river! " And the congregation cried, "Amen!"
"And if I had all the whiskey and demon rum in the world, I'd take it all and throw it in the river!" And the congregation cried, "Hallelujah!" The preacher sat down. The song leader stood up very tentatively and announced, "For our closing hymn, let us sing #365, 'Shall We Gather at the River'."
Posted By: Dr Buzzard

Re: Women - 01/21/03 01:33 AM

Ha ha ha ha ha! Good one! I'll meet ya at the pier lounge soon!!!!!!!
Posted By: Danl & the Boop

Re: Women - 01/21/03 05:42 AM

I never went to bed with an ugly woman...
But I sure woke up with a few!!!
Dan'l (and if you tell the Boop I said this I will deny it.)
Posted By: Dr Buzzard

Re: Women - 01/21/03 12:06 PM

I know what ya mean. All women are beautiful at closing time!
Posted By: gogo

Re: Women - 01/21/03 06:24 PM

"what i like about you is you're rock bottom. i wouldn't expect you to understand this, but it's a great comfort to a girl to know she could not possible sink any lower."

barrie chase to robert mitchum in "cape fear"
<noir classic>
Posted By: Loie

Re: Women - 01/21/03 10:49 PM

Every woman needs four things:

A mink in the closet, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bedroom and a jack*ss to pay for it all!

laugh Loie
Posted By: toad

Re: Women - 01/22/03 12:07 AM

know how to turn a dishwasher into a snowplow?...give her a shovel
Posted By: rickcheri

Re: Women - 01/22/03 05:39 AM

They put one man on the moon.........why can't they ALL Go!!???? C
Posted By: rickcheri

Re: Women - 01/22/03 05:42 AM

OK, feeling spunky, then off to bed...A TOAST to Women: Here's to women, women divine, they boom every month and can bear every nine. They're the only creature, this side of hell, that can crack a nut...........without a shell...Thank you :p cool and good night!!! C
Posted By: Axeman

Re: Women - 01/22/03 02:56 PM

Cheri', the problem with sending all of us is this;
Who would take out the trash?
Who would you all pick on?
Gosh...are'nt we useful?
Posted By: sweetjane

Re: Women - 01/22/03 04:44 PM

for the record, ax, et al:

i mow the 2 acres, i edge, i clean the pool & spa, i take out the trash, i fix the broken stuff, i wire the stereos, i program the remotes (no small feat in this house), i shovel every time, i clean the cat pans, i can cook, and this week i caught 4 mice in the house, humanely. so, NAH. who needs WHO?

ps - i'm a hottie too.
Posted By: toad

Re: Women - 01/22/03 05:13 PM

women are evil...who else could bleed for a week and still live?
Posted By: Chloe

Re: Women - 01/22/03 06:12 PM

note: evil spelled backwards is live.

devil spelled backwards is lived.
Posted By: toad

Re: Women - 01/22/03 08:24 PM

are you a devil worshipper or something?
Posted By: Miss Anthropy

Re: Women - 01/22/03 08:33 PM

Another miss, Toad! hehehe
Posted By: ChrisW

Re: Women - 01/22/03 08:59 PM

And god spelled backwards is dog and good spelled backwards is doog. Eerie:)
Posted By: Dr Buzzard

Re: Women - 01/22/03 09:20 PM

The fact that women's feet are smaller than man's is evolutionary. It's so they can stand closer to the stove and kitchen sink!
Posted By: mountain Larry

Re: Women - 01/22/03 10:50 PM

And WoW spelled upside down is MOM, will it ever end?
Posted By: jasonamiles

Re: Women - 01/22/03 10:52 PM

DAD spelled backward is...
Posted By: Chloe

Re: Women - 01/23/03 12:01 AM

???Throw Another Log On The Fire????
Posted By: rickcheri

Re: Women - 01/23/03 12:41 AM

And Bob spelled backwards is???? And Axe, I'm with Jane on this.....not a "need" thing, just a "want" thing....now, if we could put ALL Ya'll on the moon, we'd laugh laugh make sure to schedule a few of you for every weekend!!! The Big Question is........COULD ya'll make it with out us all the way on the moon??? It is, quiet doubtful.......C
Posted By: klcman

Re: Women - 01/23/03 12:41 AM

Jane - one subject ya didn't cover - wink oops I almost forgot, this is a family board
Posted By: rickcheri

Re: Women - 01/23/03 12:45 AM

LOIE...I THINK YOU mean D..ass, not j...ass?????
Posted By: rickcheri

Re: Women - 01/23/03 12:47 AM

oops, dumb a###, instead of jack a##...i was backwards......sorry...c
Posted By: Dr Buzzard

Re: Women - 01/23/03 02:26 AM

Why did the women cross the road?

Well thats not the point what is she doing out of the kitchen?!!!
Posted By: deb1022

Re: Women - 01/23/03 03:05 AM

PLANT YOUR OWN DOPE

PLANT A MAN!!!!!! :p :p :p :p
Posted By: Dr Buzzard

Re: Women - 01/23/03 03:59 AM

Why don't women need a watch?

There's a clock on the stove.
Posted By: seashell

Re: Women - 01/23/03 07:55 AM

Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser
printers all have in common?
A. All invented by women.
Posted By: seashell

Re: Women - 01/23/03 07:58 AM

A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife; so he went to a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem, and so gave him a book on assertiveness, which he read on the way home. He had finished the book by the time he reached his house.

The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that *I* am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And, when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

|
|
"The fricken' funeral director," replied his wife.
Posted By: Rapier

Re: Women - 01/23/03 11:42 PM

I probably shouldn't post something like this being BRAND NEW to the community, but a friend of mine sent me this via email this morning and I thought it was too coinsidental not to put here.
==============================================

As a woman gets older, it is important for men to remember that as women grow older it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping they did when they were younger. When men notice this, they should try not to yell. Let me relate how I handle the situation.

When I chucked my job and took early retirement a year ago, it became necessary for Phyllis to get a full-time job both for extra income and for health insurance benefits that we need. She was a trained lab tech when we met thirty some years ago and was fortunate to land a job at the local medical center. It was shortly after she started working at this job that I noticed that she was beginning to show her age.

I usually get home from fishing or hunting about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says that she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts supper. I try not to yell at her when this happens. Instead, I tell her to take her time. I understand that she is not as young as she used to be. I just tell her to wake me when she finally does get supper on the table.

She used to wash and dry the dishes as soon as we finished eating. It is now not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after supper. I do what I can by reminding her several times each evening that they aren't cleaning themselves. I know she appreciates this, as it does seem to help her get them done before she goes to bed.

Our washer and dryer are in the basement. When she was younger, Phyllis used to be able to go up and down the stairs all day and not get tired. Now that she is older she seems to get tired so much more quickly. Sometimes she says she just can't make another trip down those steps. I don't make a big issue of this. As long as she finishes up the laundry the next evening I am willing to overlook it. Not only that, but unless I need something ironed to wear to the Monday's lodge meeting or to Wednesday's or Saturday's poker club or to Tuesday's or Thursday's bowling or something like that, I will tell her to wait until the next evening to do the ironing. This gives her a little more time to do some of those odds and ends things like shampooing the dog, vacuuming, or dusting. Also, if I have had a really good day fishing, this allows her to gut and scale the fish at a more leisurely pace.

Phyllis is starting to complain a little occasionally. Not often, mind you, but just enough for me to notice. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. In spite of her complaining, I continue to try to offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any, if you know what I mean.

When doing simple jobs she seems to think she needs more rest periods than she used to have to take. A couple of weeks ago she said she had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I overlook comments like these because I realize it's just age talking. In fact, I try to not embarrass her when she needs these little extra rest breaks. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. I tell her that as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me and take her break by the hammock so she can talk with me until I fall asleep.

I could go on and on, but I think you know where I'm coming from. I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Phyllis on a daily basis. I'm not saying that the ability to show this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible. No one knows better than I do how frustrating women can become as they get older.

My purpose in writing this is simply to suggest that you make the effort. I realize that achieving the exemplary level of showing consideration I have attained is out of reach for the average man. However, guys, even if you just yell at your wife a little less often because of this article, I will consider that writing it was worthwhile.

Note: This article was found next to the author's body ... The cause of death is still under investigation.
==============================================
Posted By: gogo

Re: Women - 01/24/03 05:21 AM

a guy and his buddy go out for lunch and the guy complains that his sex life with his wife has become incredibly routine and boring.

his friend says, "listen, this is what ya do. don't wait till bed time to make your move, be spontaneous! when ya come home from work, grab your wife right there in the entry hall and kiss her passionately as you lower her down. then make love to her right there on the floor till her toes curl!"

the first guy says, "wow! that sounds really hot, i'll try that tonite when i get home!"

when he arrives home, he sweeps his wife into his arms and kisses her like a honeymooner. they sink to the floor and he proceeds to make love to her. just to be sure things are going well he glances down at her feet and her toes are so curled he can't even see them!

later as they bask in the afterglow, he can't resist asking her, "how'd you like that, honey?"

she replies, "it was nice, i just wish next time you'd let me take my pantyhose off first."
Posted By: sugar

Re: Women - 01/24/03 05:27 AM

Q. what is "making love"?

A. what a woman does while a man is f***ing her.
Posted By: gogo

Re: Women - 01/24/03 05:48 AM

this just in:

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get
there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven...don't step
on the ducks."

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.
It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their
best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she has ever seen. St. Peter chains
them together and says "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend
eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck, and along
comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another
extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as
for the first woman.

The third woman ha s observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for
all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She
manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter
comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on: very
tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The woman remarks, "I
wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"

The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"
Posted By: ScubaLdy

Re: Women - 01/24/03 05:58 AM

A woman's place
is in the home,
and she should go there
directly after work.
laugh
Name with held for obvious reasons.
Posted By: rickcheri

Re: Women - 01/24/03 07:52 AM

The opinions expressed by the man in this house are not necessarily those of the Management...
Posted By: Aimless

Re: Women - 01/25/03 12:05 AM

Men: can't live with 'em,
can't fit more than one them in the trunk of your car :p
Posted By: Ms. Coconuts

Re: Women - 01/25/03 07:18 AM

I'm so happy I'm single!
Posted By: Axeman

Re: Women - 01/25/03 02:55 PM

Jane...I have the utmost respect for all women...regardless...
I refuse to enter this debate...call me old school.
We all need each other..for many reasons.
Sounds like alot of you all are kinda bitter...been there...had enough.
All of us can do it alone to some degree...I prefer to share my ups and downs with someone who supports my way of life, while I supports hers.
IT"S CALLED TEAMWORK
Posted By: toad

Re: Women - 01/25/03 05:50 PM

this is a debate?
Posted By: gogo

Re: Women - 01/25/03 09:06 PM

two things that cannot be purchased:

a sense of humor
a sense of perspective

shallow up a little, oh earnest ones! not everything is personal.

keep the quotes & jokes coming, folks, i've been laughin!

cheers--
gogo
Posted By: Sandshaker

Re: Women - 01/26/03 04:33 AM

Rapier...that was great!
I was looking for my ball bat as I read....LOL laugh

This has been an entertaining topic!
Posted By: Axeman

Re: Women - 01/26/03 03:20 PM

Was haveing a moment...
Posted By: Sandshaker

Re: Women - 01/26/03 06:16 PM

A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

Have you heard of the new divorced Barbie doll? - She comes with all of Ken's stuff...LOL

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life! smile

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

I never married because there was no need. I have 3 pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog that growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night. - Marie Corelli

I was married by a Judge. I should have asked for a jury. - Groucho Marx

Alimony, a Latin term for removing a man's wallet through his genitals. - Robin Williams

"My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.

"Marriage is a great institution. I'm just not ready to be institutionalized yet." - Mae West
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