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A joke I saw today that made me laugh . . .

Posted By: seashell

A joke I saw today that made me laugh . . . - 02/15/03 07:36 AM

Morris starts talking to two women in a bar on Valentine's Day. They turn out to be
Siamese twins, and they wind up back at his apartment.

He makes love to one, and then starts to work on the other. Morris realizes the first one might get bored watching, so he asks her what she'd like to do.

She says, "Is that a trombone in the corner? I'd love to play your trombone."

So she plays it while he makes love to her sister.

A few weeks later, the girls are walking past Morris' apartment
building. One of the girls says, "Let's stop up and see that guy."

The other girl says, "Gee ... do you think he'll remember us?"
Posted By: Rapier

Re: A joke I saw today that made me laugh . . . - 02/15/03 08:30 AM

A couple attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery were staring
at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted
three very black and totally naked men sitting on a park bench. Two of the
figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis.


The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble
interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on for
nearly half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of
African Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society. In fact,"
he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink penis also
reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men
in contemporary society."


After the curator left, a Scottish man approached the couple and said
"Would you like to know what the painting is really about?" "Now why
would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the
gallery?" asked the couple.

" Because I'm the guy who painted it," he replied. "In fact, there's no
African Americans depicted at all. They're just three Scottish
coal-miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch." eek
Posted By: crawfish

Re: A joke I saw today that made me laugh . . . - 02/17/03 01:23 AM

An elderly couple had been dating for some time.
Finally they decided it was time for marriage.
Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.
They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.
Finally the old geezer decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
"How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather trustingly.
"Well," she says, responding very carefully,
"I'd have to say I would like it infrequently."
The old geezer sat quietly for a moment....
Then, looking over his glasses,
he looked her in the eye casually asking,
"Was that one word or two?"
Posted By: Axeman

Re: A joke I saw today that made me laugh . . . - 02/17/03 02:45 PM

On the first day God created the cow.
God said, "You must go to the field
with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give
milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's a kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty
years. Let me have twenty years and I'll give back the other forty."

And God agreed.

On the second day, God created the dog.
God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who
comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and
I'll give back the other ten."

So God agreed (sigh).

On the third day God created the monkey.
God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh.
I'll give you a twenty year life span."
Monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years?
I don't think so. The dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay? "

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day God created man.
God said, "Eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy. Do nothing, just enjoy, enjoy.
I'll give you twenty years."
Man said, "What? Only twenty years? No way! Tell you what, I'll take my
twenty, and the forty cow gave back, and the ten dog gave back and the ten
monkey gave back. That makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God. "You've got a deal."

So that is why for the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, have sex,
enjoy, and do nothing; For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family;
For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain our grandchildren; and for the last
ten years we sit in front of the house and bark at everybody.
Posted By: skullyboy

Re: A joke I saw today that made me laugh . . . - 02/18/03 12:11 AM

LMAO keep them coming
Posted By: Sam Scuba

Re: A joke I saw today that made me laugh . . . - 02/18/03 03:01 AM

I went to the store the other day, and I was in there for only about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a damn motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires! So I called him a piece of horseshit. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket! This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner. :p
Posted By: deano

Re: A joke I saw today that made me laugh . . . - 02/18/03 04:55 AM

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examing room waiting for the doctor to come in.The doctor arrived,examined the baby,checked his weight,and found is somewhat below normal,and asked if the baby was breast fed or bottle fed.

"Breast fed" she replied."Well strip down to your waist." the doctor ordered. She did.

He pressed,kneeded,rolled,cupped and pinched both breasts for a while in a detailed,rigorously thorough examination.... Motioning to her to get dressed,he said "No wonder this baby is underweight,You dont have any milk."

"I know" she said, "I'm his Grandma,.... but I'm sure glad I came in"
Posted By: Axeman

Re: A joke I saw today that made me laugh . . . - 02/18/03 05:53 AM

Rapier sent this to me...

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.

I was thinking about old age and decided that it is when you still have something on the ball but you are just too tired to bounce it.

I thought about making a movie for folks my age and calling it "Pumping Rust."

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me --they were cramming for their finals!

You know when people see a cat's litter box, they always say, "Oh, have you got a cat?" Just once I wanted to say, "No, it's for company."

I've thought about those employment applications and that blank that always asks 'Who is to be notified in case of an emergency?" I think you should write..."A Good Doctor."

I've always wondered why they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office. What are we supposed to do.. write to these men?

Why don't they just put their pictures on postage stamps so the mail men could look for them while they deliver the mail?

I thought about being rich and it doesn't mean so much. Just look at Henry Ford-- all those millions and he never owned a Cadillac!

I wonder what you call a pocket calculator in a nudist camp.

I wonder if Adam ever said to Eve, "Watch it! There are plenty more ribs where you came from!"

I have decided that nostalgia is the VCR of our minds.
======================================================================================
1. If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out.

2. Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often.

3. Going to church doesn't make you a good person any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel good.

13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

25. It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat

26. I'm not into working out! My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

27. Have you ever noticed.... Anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone driving faster than you is a maniac?

28. I think the reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught dead in otherwise.

29. I'm desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez Oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively
saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers.

A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.
Posted By: crawfish

Re: A joke I saw today that made me laugh . . . - 02/19/03 03:02 AM

The Penguin

A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona when he notices the oil-pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil
dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.

After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice cream shop, and being a penguin in Arizona,
decides that something cold would really hit the spot.

He gets a big dish of vanilla ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat with his little flippers. After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem.

The mechanic looks up from the engine and says, "It looks like you've blown a seal." "No, no," the penguin replies, wiping his mouth
"it's just ice cream.
Posted By: dbdoberman

Re: A joke I saw today that made me laugh . . . - 02/19/03 03:08 AM

hahahahahahaha! laugh
Posted By: Axeman

Re: A joke I saw today that made me laugh . . . - 02/19/03 05:02 AM

Roflamo Craw...too good..
Posted By: dbdoberman

Re: A joke I saw today that made me laugh . . . - 02/19/03 05:40 AM

DOCTOR STORIES

A man comes into the ER and yells,
"My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!"
I grabbed my stuff, rushed
out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress,
and began to take off her underwear.
Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs, and I
was in the wrong one.

Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX

At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on
an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior
chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they
used to be," remorsed the patient.

Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA

One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told
a wife that her husband had died of a massive
myocardial infarct.
Not more than five minutes later, I heard her
reporting to the rest of the family that he had died
of a "massive internal fart."

Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada

I was performing a complete physical, including the
visual acuity test.
I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and
began, "Cover your right eye with your hand."
He read the 20/20 line perfectly. "Now your left."
Again, a flawless read. "Now both," I requested. There
was silence. He couldn't even read the large E on the
top line. I turned and discovered that he had done
exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with
both his eyes covered.
I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.

Dr.Matthew Theodropolous, Worcester, MA

During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with
his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he
was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which
one?" I asked. "The patch. The nurse told me to put on
a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of
places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and
discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see...
Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now
the instructions include removal of the old patch
before applying a new one.

Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA

While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient
named Reve, I asked, "How long have you been
bedridden?"
After a look of complete confusion she answered. "Why,
not for about twenty years---when my husband was
alive."

Dr. John Almquist, Erie, PA

I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, "So
how's your breakfast this morning?"
"It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly.
I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient
replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman
produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."

Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI

A Nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a
young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker
Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing
strange clothing, entered.
It was quickly determined that the patient had acute
appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate
surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the
operating table, the staff noticed
that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it
there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass."
Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a
short note on the patient's dressing, which said,
"Sorry, had to mow the lawn."
Posted By: Rapier

Re: A joke I saw today that made me laugh . . . - 02/19/03 08:25 AM

Good One Crawfish ! laugh
Posted By: dbdoberman

Re: A joke I saw today that made me laugh . . . - 02/20/03 01:52 AM

A Happy Birthday

They grow up so fast.  Guess who's birthday it is?  

Monica Lewinsky turned 28 this week. Can you believe it?

It seems like only yesterday she was crawling around the White House
on her hands and knees.....
Posted By: crawfish

Re: A joke I saw today that made me laugh . . . - 02/20/03 04:39 AM

dbdoberman...

and playing/fiddling with cigars…
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