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Posted By: dbdoberman Great Truths - 04/10/03 03:33 PM
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE, THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE, THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge . . . mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the joy.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.

SUCCESS:

At Age 4 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.
At Age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At Age 16 success is . . .. having a drivers license.
At Age 20 success is . . . having sex.
At Age 35 success is . .. . having money.
At Age 50 success is .. . . having money.
At Age 60 success is .. . . having sex.
At Age 70 success is . .. . having a drivers license.
At Age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At Age 80 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.
Posted By: Miss Anthropy Re: Great Truths - 04/10/03 05:17 PM
Thanks this really made me chuckle!
Posted By: dogmatic prevaricator Re: Great Truths - 04/10/03 07:27 PM
enough chuckles to reverse your hatred of mankind??
Posted By: Miss Anthropy Re: Great Truths - 04/10/03 07:35 PM
Its only a punny name. I could also go by Miss Behavin' every other day.
Posted By: indygal Re: Great Truths - 04/14/03 02:48 AM
Thanks Doberman. Made me laught, I especially liked the ones on sucess. Funny and true.
Posted By: klcman Re: Great Truths - 04/14/03 02:50 AM
heres another jolt:
THINGS YOU SHOULD HAVE LEARNED

1. If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out.
2. Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often.
3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing
in a garage makes you a car.
4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never
tried before.
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the
trip.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so
good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the ass
change places.
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks
before you
need it.
20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a
mistake when you make it again.
22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real
world.
25. It ain't the jeans that make your butt look big.
Posted By: dbdoberman Re: Great Truths - 04/14/03 02:52 AM
loved it! and #24 is DP!!! laugh
Posted By: klcman Re: Great Truths - 04/14/03 02:54 AM
laugh
Posted By: Axeman Re: Great Truths - 04/14/03 03:43 AM
KLC

...priceless
Posted By: klcman Re: Great Truths - 04/14/03 04:33 AM
thx - just like a MasterCard , huh ( or is that Visa) confused
Posted By: klcman Re: Great Truths - 04/14/03 11:59 PM
and yet still more:

Subject: What do you expect from such simple creatures!?

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can be president.

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal.

You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky.

Same work, more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

Wedding dress - $5000; tuxedo rental - $100.

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

One mood, ALL the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is$ 8.95 for a three-pack.

Everything on your face stays its original color.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

You almost never have strap problems in public

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You don't have to shave below your neck.

Your belly usually hides your big hips.

One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.

You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24, in 45 minutes.

laugh
Posted By: o jackie Re: Great Truths - 04/15/03 12:14 AM
haha, laugh those were good. underwear 8.95? were do you shop? :p
Posted By: klcman Re: Great Truths - 04/15/03 12:21 AM
i don't ( shop or wear) laugh - remember my post before I went this last time?

undies or snorkel gear? I think you replied too wink
Posted By: o jackie Re: Great Truths - 04/15/03 12:26 AM
Did I, not your royal shyness. She would never reply to anything so below her shyness level. :rolleyes:
Posted By: Les Spicy Re: Great Truths - 04/15/03 12:32 AM
Miss Behaving is th name of the webmistress/website that has racy stories... so thats the every other day job??? wink
Posted By: klcman Re: Great Truths - 04/15/03 12:39 AM
oh dear , my royal shyness, I seem to have mistaken you for the princess from NY - apologies :rolleyes:
Posted By: o jackie Re: Great Truths - 04/15/03 12:49 AM
laugh That is quite all right. I forgive you!!!!
Posted By: klcman Re: Great Truths - 04/15/03 12:59 AM
phewwwwww - now I can sleep tonite cool
Posted By: o jackie Re: Great Truths - 04/15/03 01:01 AM
so glad, shouldnt you be busy or something now
you only have 36 or so hours are you done
you know where I am
Posted By: klcman Re: Great Truths - 04/15/03 01:05 AM
damn - if i wanted to be nagged, I woulda stayed married wink
Posted By: NYgal Re: Great Truths - 04/15/03 01:44 AM
Do we have a Princess in NY? Dang, I learn something new each day. wink

Those all above were great, fun reading. ( real too ) laugh
Posted By: dbdoberman Re: Great Truths - 04/15/03 01:54 AM
haven't you heard about her? she has FABULOUS hair?
laugh
Posted By: o jackie Re: Great Truths - 04/15/03 01:56 AM
haha, the princess of NY!! Go ahead take the crown!! laugh
Posted By: dbdoberman Re: Great Truths - 04/15/03 02:03 AM
I've been busy doing my taxes tonight, is that what klc is doing? damn, I hate this time of year. Maybe that's where alot of folks are - but I had to take a break.
Posted By: klcman Re: Great Truths - 04/15/03 02:14 AM
Hell no, DB, I'm done - whats your holdup???? I been done for 4 hours1

Now I;m working on a special project for the Banana Queen & the NYP :p
Posted By: o jackie Re: Great Truths - 04/15/03 02:44 AM
Bring your project on over to the place we miss you!!! and chloe
Posted By: klcman Re: Great Truths - 04/15/03 06:28 AM
New Word Power

1) Arachnoleptic fit (n.) The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

2) Beelzebug (n.) Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at 3 in the morning and cannot be cast out.

3) Bozone (n.) The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

4) Cashtration (n.) The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

5) Caterpallor (n.) The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

6) Decaflon (n.) The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

7) Dopelar effect (n.) The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when you come at them rapidly.

8) Extraterrestaurant (n.) An eating place where you feel you've been abducted and experimented upon. Also known as an E-T-ry.

9) Faunacated (adj.) How wildlife ends up when its environment is destroyed. Hence faunacatering (v.), which has made a meal of many species.

10) Foreploy (n.) Any misrepresentation or outright lie about yourself that leads to sex.

11) Grantartica (n.) The cold, isolated place where art companies dwell without funding.

12) Hemaglobe (n.) The bloody state of the world.

13) Intaxication (n.) Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

14) Kinstirpation (n.) A painful inability to move relatives who come to visit.

15) Lullabuoy (n.) An idea that keeps floating in your head.
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