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Balderdash

Posted By: papashine

Balderdash - 05/11/05 10:19 PM

Horse feathers..Hogwash..Bull Caka..Fruitloops...take your pick. Anybody got a favorite tale?
Posted By: SP Daily

Re: Balderdash - 05/11/05 10:57 PM

I know one about a friend trying to ride a pushbike after being overserved at the old Coconuts Bar...but I wouldn't want to embarass anyone.
Posted By: papashine

Re: Balderdash - 05/11/05 11:00 PM

No names allowed, the more believable the more points
Posted By: Chloe

Re: Balderdash - 05/12/05 12:47 AM

He was stopped for DWI, if the same story that I heard. Could be more than one tho.
Posted By: SP Daily

Re: Balderdash - 05/12/05 12:51 AM

No, different story. This time he bounced off the wall, then the hotel, then the wall, then the hotel, then...
Never heard of anyone actually getting a DWI on Ambergris Caye, but God knows there were plenty of times that they were earned.
Posted By: Chloe

Re: Balderdash - 05/12/05 12:59 AM

OUCH
Posted By: CHOOCHOO

Re: Balderdash - 05/12/05 03:23 PM

papashine,

It's a good thing that I am essentially honorable and do not tell stories on my friends. I'm sure you will agree.

CC
Posted By: silkpainter

Re: Balderdash - 05/12/05 03:52 PM

Wouldn't it be a BWI?
Posted By: SP Daily

Re: Balderdash - 05/12/05 03:54 PM

Bouncing While Intoxicated?
Posted By: papashine

Re: Balderdash - 05/12/05 06:06 PM

A few years ago three pilots wanted to set a world record and fly nonstop around the world.
Thier nationalities were Russian, American, and Belezean. After setting out they immediately flew into some real bad weather, not having much in the way of navigation equip, they were totally lost. After much discussion about there actual heading versus time and distance they still didn't have a clue where they were, then the Russian said he could figure out where they were, he rolled up the arm of his flt suit opened up awindow and stuck his arm outside for a minute. After bringing his arm back inside he announced that they were over Siberia, theother two looked at him and asked how the hell he came up withthat. He replied that his arm was quite frozen and for the temp to be that cold they had to be over Siberia. 6 or seven hours went by and the American said that it was his turn to figure out where they were, so he rolled up his sleeve and stuck his arm out the window. After bringing his arm back in he said that they had to be over Detroit, when asked how he could tell he answered that his arm was covered in soot and that only Detroit has that kind of air pollution. Well they flew on and on for another 6 or seven hours and the Belezean announced that he would figure out where they were..so he rolled up his sleeve and dangled his arm out the window for only a couple of seconds, brought his arm straight back inside and announced that they were flying over Belize city, when asked how he could tell he raised his arm and said "look" my watch is gone....
Posted By: reaper

Re: Balderdash - 05/12/05 08:44 PM

Two lawyers were walking down the beach in front of Ramon's. All of a sudden this gorgeous, well endowed blonde girl washes ashore. The first lawyer rushes up to check on her and is amazed. She's breathing and warm and unconcious AND totally naked! He looks around and sees that they are the only 2 people around. He says to the other lawyer, " Hey, we should screw her right now!" And the other lawyer says....OUT OF WHAT? cool
Posted By: Now Danny

Re: Balderdash - 05/12/05 09:09 PM

Texan gets maried and takes his bride to the hotel. He tells the clerk it's his wedding night and need a room with a good strong bed. The clerk asks if he would like the bridle, he says " no I'll just hold her by the ears tonight". :rolleyes:
Posted By: PattiCake

Re: Balderdash - 05/18/05 03:43 AM

Danny, I'm still laughing. XX
Posted By: klcman

Re: Balderdash - 05/18/05 03:44 AM

Hey Danny -

Thanks for the pic!!!!
Posted By: Chloe

Re: Balderdash - 05/18/05 03:46 AM

Oh you guys are over here....lol
Posted By: papashine

Re: Balderdash - 05/20/05 04:13 PM

The worlds' shortest fairy tale.....

Once upon a time there was a man who asked a woman to marry him...she said NO...the man lived happily ever after.
Posted By: govikes

Re: Balderdash - 05/20/05 04:17 PM

ah Papshine the ending to that tale is: she said no and they BOTH lived happily ever after. laugh
Posted By: papashine

Re: Balderdash - 05/22/05 03:22 PM

Here are the standings so far...
In number 1 position is jessean's post under living in Belize forum 05-18-05 titled local trouble, I realize that it was not published under balderdash but I think it deserves serious consideration.

In number 2 position is Nowdanny with his bridle joke submitted 05-12-05, paints a funny picture and provided a good laugh.

In number 3 position is Bywarrens piece on Pica pica 15-5-05 [I sincerely hope is a piece in the works] also not submitted to balderdash, but considered here for above mentioned reasons.

Keep them coming, putting smiles on peoples faces is a worthy cause
Posted By: SP Daily

Re: Balderdash - 05/22/05 03:27 PM

I can't get past the censor
Posted By: papashine

Re: Balderdash - 05/22/05 04:13 PM

A forest ranger once told me an ammusing story, the place is Northern British Columbia, Canada, in the early 70's. He must have been extremely bored this fine morning as he was driving down a secluded bush road, as he turned a corner a wolverine dashed out in front of his truck, he was not travelling at a high rate of speed but did not manage to stop in time and ran over the wolverine. Upon subsequent investigation the wolverine was not hurt badly but completely knocked out. Now [lets call him Jim] This is where Jim gets a brain storm..he reaches into the bed of his pick-up and removes an old suitcase full of tools, removes the tools and inserts the unconsious wolverine, he then places said suitcase in a prominent location on the side of the road, and backs into the bush to observe what will take place...government employees did not really have much to do back then...well in Norhtern B.C., traffic is pretty slow on the back roads, but 30 minutes later a 57 ford came waleing down the road with a full compliment of LIPS [local indigenous personel] on board. The car slid to a stop backed up and the suitcase disappeared into the car which immediately accelerated down the road. Jim pulls out of the bush and starts out after the ford at a reasonable distance, about 5 miles down the road the ford starts to swerve left and right and shoots over an embankment and slides to a stop in a beaver pond. Everyone in the ford was making very hasty exits, yelling and shouting...
the moral to this story has got to be :never pick-up an unescorted bag, Jim is still out there.

[Linked Image]
Posted By: ckocian

Re: Balderdash - 05/22/05 04:20 PM

Bad, bad Forest Ranger laugh
Posted By: SP Daily

Re: Balderdash - 05/23/05 07:49 PM

Lookout!!!
Posted By: papashine

Re: Balderdash - 05/28/05 11:29 PM

WARNING LOCK ALL OF YOUR DOORS AND WINDOWS TONIGHT. The police have found a dead man in his bathtub filled with milk, sugar and cornflakes with a banana sticking out of his ass..They suspect a cereal killer!
Posted By: Placidguy

Re: Balderdash - 05/29/05 01:47 AM

That reminds me...Two Peanuts were walking down the street... one was assaulted....
Posted By: Placidguy

Re: Balderdash - 05/29/05 01:51 AM

A guy phones a law firm and says, "I want to speak to my lawyer." The receptionist says, "I'm sorry, but your lawyer died last week." The next day the same guy phones the law firm and says, "I want to speak to my lawyer." Once again the receptionist replies, "I'm sorry, but your lawyer died last week."
The next day the guy makes his regular call to the law firm and say, "I want to speak to my lawyer." "Excuse me sir," the receptionist says, "but this is third time I've had to tell you that your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?" The guy replies, "Because I love hearing it!"
Posted By: Placidguy

Re: Balderdash - 05/29/05 01:52 AM

Had enuf ????
Posted By: Chloe

Re: Balderdash - 05/29/05 02:04 AM

NO, keep'em coming.
Posted By: Placidguy

Re: Balderdash - 05/29/05 02:30 AM

ok- last one-

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.

Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Route 280. Please be careful!"

"It's not just one car," said Herman, "It's hundreds of them!"

G'Night all....
Posted By: SP Daily

Re: Balderdash - 05/29/05 05:05 PM

Overheard in a small gathering at a pub...

A man asks: What's the difference between your wife and your girlfriend?

Answer: 60 pounds!

A woman counters with: What's the difference between your husband and your boyfriend?

Answer: 60 minutes!
Posted By: papashine

Re: Balderdash - 05/29/05 05:33 PM

A guy dies and goes to hell, when he gets there he meets the devil standing in front of three doors, the devil imforms him that he has to pick his own hell, so which will it be, door 1, door 2, or door 3. The guy asks if it is possible to take a quick look behind the doors before he comitts to any of them. The devil agrees so he takes a look behind door 1, well there were thousands of people wailing and crying being whipped and abused by nasty looking creatures, he then looks behind door 2 and sees thousands of people burning in fire, finally he takes a look behind door 3 and much to his surprise sees hundreds of people up to there waists in shit drinking coffee. He decides right away that this is a hell that he can stand so chooses door #3. He just gets settled into the shit and a waiter brings him his coffee when a loud siren sounds and a loud deep voice says ok coffee break is over everyone back on there heads.
Posted By: PattiCake

Re: Balderdash - 05/29/05 07:26 PM

Oh Papa, I remember that joke and haven't heard it for ages!

What do you call 10,000 lawyers chained together at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start.
Posted By: SP Daily

Re: Balderdash - 05/29/05 11:34 PM

A guy goes into a restaurant/lounge wearing a shirt open at the collar and is met by a bouncer who tells him he must wear a necktie to gain admission.

So the guy goes out to his car and he looks around for a necktie and discovers that he just doesn't have one. He sees a set of jumper cables in his trunk. In desperation he ties these around his neck, manages to fashion a fairly acceptable looking knot and lets the ends dangle free.

He goes back to the restaurant and the bouncer carefully looks him over for a few minutes and then says, "Well, okay, I guess you can come in. Just don't start anything.
Posted By: SP Daily

Re: Balderdash - 05/29/05 11:47 PM

SUNDAY MORNING SEX

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Susan went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, he had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Susan told her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realising our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding, and out on the Dong."

She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "and if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!
Posted By: Placidguy

Re: Balderdash - 05/30/05 02:39 AM

Two antennae got married. The wedding was terrible but the reception was great !!
Posted By: papashine

Re: Balderdash - 05/30/05 06:01 PM

A man walked into a pet store and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there, a chief master sargent from the local air base walked in and said to the shopkeeper, "I'll take a maintenance monkey, please."
The man nodded, went to a cage at the side of the store and took out a monkey. He put a collar and leash on the animal and handed it to the CMSgt, saying, "That'll be 5000 dollars." The sarge paid and left with the monkey.
Surprised, the man went to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did that one cost so much?"
The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, thats a maintenance monkey. He can rig aircraft flight controls, score 95 on the AF CDC test, perform the duties of any MX officer with no back talk or complaints. It's well worth the money.
The man spotted a monkey in another cage. "That one's even more expensive, $10,000! what does it do?"
"Oh, that one is a maintenance supervisor monkey! It can instruct at all levels of maintenance, supervise maintenance at the unit, intermediate, and depot level, and even do most of the paperwork. A very useful monkey indeed, replied the shopkeeper.
The man looked around a little longer and found a third monkey in a cage. The price tag read, $50,000. The shocked customer exclaimed , " That one costs more then the others put together! What in the world does it do?"
Well, I've never actually seen him do anything but drink beer and play with his pecker, but his papers say he is a Pilot!
Posted By: SP Daily

Re: Balderdash - 05/30/05 06:54 PM

That's the WINNER!!!!
Posted By: SP Daily

Re: Balderdash - 05/30/05 08:23 PM

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

Lady 1: "What's that?"

Lady 2: "A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet."

Lady 1: "Where did you get it?"

Lady 2: "You can get them at any drugstore."

The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years old), but very delicately asks what brand she prefers.

"Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel."

The pharmacist fainted
Posted By: Placidguy

Re: Balderdash - 05/30/05 09:40 PM

One day Pinocchio came to Gepetto with a problem. "Every time I have sex with my girlfriend, she gets splinters. What can I do about this?"

"Have you tried sandpaper?" Pinocchio hadn't, so he went to try it.

"Pinnochio," said Gepetto a few weeks later. "How is the problem work out with your
"Girlfriend?" said Pinnochio. "Who needs a girlfriend when you have sandpaper?"
Posted By: SP Daily

Re: Balderdash - 06/01/05 03:08 AM

There was a mamma mole,
a papa mole, and a baby mole.
They lived in a hole outside
of a farm house out in the
country.

The papa mole reached his head
out of the hole and said,
"Mmmmm, I smell sausage."

The mama mole reached her head
outside of the hole and said
"Mmmmmm, I smell pancakes."

The baby mole tried to reach
his head outside the hole but
couldn't because of the two
bigger moles.
The baby mole said, "The only
thing I can smell is molasses."
(mole asses)
Posted By: Chloe

Re: Balderdash - 06/01/05 04:27 AM

Jesse thanks for sharing this oldie but goodie.
Tell the truth, didn't you first hear this at 10 yrs of age? I did.

wink laugh
Posted By: klcman

Re: Balderdash - 06/01/05 05:39 AM

but they didn't have paper back then to write it down on OWO wink
Posted By: dbdoberman

Re: Balderdash - 06/01/05 01:48 PM

thanks for that oldy, Jesse, and I had never heard it, must have had my head buried in a mole hill. I borrowed it, thank you very much wink
Posted By: SP Daily

Re: Balderdash - 06/02/05 03:39 AM

A man was walking in the city, when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking bum who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted two dollars and asked, "If i gave u this money, will u take it and buy whiskey?"

"No, i stopped drinking years ago," the bum said.

"Will you use it to gamble?"

"I don't gamble. i need everything i can get just to stay alive."

"Will you spend the money on greens fees at the golf course?"

"Are you NUTS! i haven't played golf in 20 years!"

The man said, "well, i'm not going to give u two dollars, instead, i'm going to take you to my home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The bum was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know i'm dirty, and i probably smell pretty bad."

The man replied, "That's OK. I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up drinking, gambling and golf."
Posted By: SP Daily

Re: Balderdash - 06/02/05 07:30 PM

Catholic Parrots

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

What do they say?" the priest inquired.

They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed; then he thought for a moment.

"You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. "Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the
cage with Frank and Jacob. My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time."

"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding rosary beads and praying.

Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.

After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

There was stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed,

"Put the beads away, Frank, our prayers have been answered!"
Posted By: PattiCake

Re: Balderdash - 06/03/05 01:51 AM

Excellent, Jesse! Keep'm comin!
Posted By: reaper

Re: Balderdash - 06/03/05 04:23 AM

IN 1886 A politician from DC went out to the indian reservation to speak to the local tribe. The Chief introduced him, and all the indians started shouting"OOM GALLA GALLA"! The politician smiled and introduced his plans for the reservation. New housing, more jobs and better health care. After each statement the indians shouted "OOM GALLA GALLA!!", louder and louder! The Senator was quite pleased with the reception the indians gave him with their robust chants. As the senator stepped down from the make shift stage in the middle of the pasture after his speech the indian chief said "Be carefull and don't step in any OOM GALLA GALLA! laugh cool
Posted By: Placidguy

Re: Balderdash - 06/04/05 04:06 AM

How Golf is like Urinating in a Public Restroom

10. Keep your back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.
9. Form a loose grip.
8. Keep your head down.
7. Avoid a quick backswing.
6. Stay out of the water.
5. Try not to hit anybody.
4. If you are taking too long, you should let others go ahead of you.
3. You shouldn't stand directly in front of others.
2. Be quiet while others are about to go.
1. Keep strokes to a minimum.
Posted By: papashine

Re: Balderdash - 06/04/05 09:02 PM

International thinking at its best!

Question: What is the truest definition og globalization?
Answer: Princess Diana"s death.
Question: How come?
Answer: An English princess with an Egyptian Boyfriend crashes in a French tunnel, driving a German car with a Dutch engine, driven by a Belgian who was drunk on Scottish whiskey,[check the bottle before you change the spelling] followed closely by Italian Paparazzi, on Japanese motorcycles; treated by an American doctor, using Brazilian medicines.

This is sent to you by an American, [Canadian] using Bill Gates technology, and you are probably reading this on your computer, that use Taiwanese chips, and a Korean monitor, assembled by Bangladeshi workers in a Singapore plant, transported by Indian lorry-drivers, hijacked by Indonesians, unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen, and trucked to you by Mexicans. That my friends is Globalization...
Posted By: reaper

Re: Balderdash - 06/04/05 10:16 PM

All organized and plotted by a Russian(read that in the Enquirer)! cool
Posted By: papashine

Re: Balderdash - 06/05/05 10:06 PM

[Linked Image]
Posted By: PattiCake

Re: Balderdash - 06/05/05 10:24 PM

Papa dear, you are CANADIAN???!!

Well of course! Canadians have the greatest senses of humour in the world!!!
Posted By: SP Daily

Re: Balderdash - 06/07/05 03:38 PM

An old man, a boy & a donkey were going to town. The boy rode on the donkey & the old man walked. As they went along, they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking & the boy was riding.

The man & boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions.

Later, they passed some people that remarked, "What a shame, he makes that little boy walk." They then decided they both would walk!

Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride. So, they both rode the donkey.

Now they passed some people that shamed them by saying how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey. The boy & man said they were probably right, so they decided to carry the donkey. As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal & he fell into the river and drowned.

The moral of the story? If you try to please everyone, you might as well kiss your ass good-bye.

Have a nice day and be careful with your donkey.
Posted By: NYgal

Re: Balderdash - 06/07/05 04:00 PM

wink
Posted By: Chloe

Re: Balderdash - 06/07/05 04:00 PM

Jesse, great read, and surely is a lesson for living.
Posted By: SP Daily

Re: Balderdash - 06/10/05 05:46 PM

A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for face-lift.
The surgeon told her about a new procedure called, "The Knob," where a small knob is placed on the top of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new facelift.
Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob."
Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant. After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.
"All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them." The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your breasts." She said, "Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee".
Posted By: NYgal

Re: Balderdash - 06/11/05 01:50 AM

LMAO...OMG...that made my evening.. laugh laugh

Thanks Jesse wink
Posted By: SP Daily

Re: Balderdash - 06/14/05 09:07 PM

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose and still heavily sedated from a 4-hour operation. A
young nurse appears in his room to sponge his hands and feet.

"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to wash your hands
and feet."

He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"

Finally, she pulls back the covers, raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other hand, takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them!"

The man removes his oxygen mask and says very slowly, "That was really nice, but listen very, very closely, "Are...my...test...results...back?"
Posted By: NYgal

Re: Balderdash - 06/15/05 01:25 AM

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are this year's winners:

1. Intaxication:
Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

2. Reintarnation:
Coming back to life as a hillbilly

3. Bozone (n.):
The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of
breaking down in the near future.

4. Foreploy:
Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

5. Cashtration (n.):
The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

6. Giraffiti:
Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

7. Sarchasm:
The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

8. Inoculatte:
To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

9. Hipatitis
Terminal coolness.

10. Osteopornosis:
> A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon:
It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.):
The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido:
All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler effect:
The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic fit (n.):
The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.):
Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor (n.):
The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.


And the pick of the literature:

18. Ignoranus:
A person who's both stupid and an a$$hole
Posted By: Chloe

Re: Balderdash - 06/15/05 01:33 AM

Nygal, great fun.
Posted By: NYgal

Re: Balderdash - 06/15/05 01:56 AM

wink
Posted By: SP Daily

Re: Balderdash - 06/15/05 04:17 AM

Little Harry

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms.. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9".

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36".

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

(The principal wondered, why would she ask such a question)!

Harry replied: "Pockets."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Harry: "Pants"

(The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open).

Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"

(The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer).

Harry: "Bubble gum"

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"

Harry: "Shake hands."

(The principal was trembling).

Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"

Harry: "Firetruck"

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last six questions wrong......
Posted By: SP Daily

Re: Balderdash - 06/17/05 11:34 PM

A cowboy walks into a bar in Texas, orders three mugs of beer and sits in the back room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.

When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells him, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it so it would taste better if you bought just one at a time."

The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Australia, the other is in Dublin and I'm in Texas. When we all left Wyoming, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we were together. So I drink one for each of my brothers and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom and leaves it there. The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and orders only two mugs!

All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains...

"It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and obviously I had to quit drinking.

Hasn't affected my brothers though."
Posted By: NYgal

Re: Balderdash - 06/18/05 02:51 AM

That's a hoot.........LMAO laugh laugh
Posted By: SP Daily

Re: Balderdash - 06/18/05 10:53 PM

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door....The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push..."Not a chance," says the husband, "it is three o'clock in the morning..He slams the door and returns to bed.

Who was that?" asked his wife..."Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers..."did you help him?" she asks..."No i did not...it is three o'clock in the morning and it is pouring rain outside!!!."

His wife said, "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The mand does as he is told (yeah!), gets dressed and goes out into the pouring rain...He calls out into the dark, "Hello! Are you still there?"..."Yes," comes back the answer..."Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband......."Yes please!" comes the reply from the darkness.

"Where are you?" asks the husband......

"Over here on the swing!!!" replies the drunk.
Posted By: reaper

Re: Balderdash - 06/19/05 02:35 AM

Luigi the Italian, Patrick the Irishman and Gord the Canadian are sitting in BC's bar debating which is the best bar they have ever been in. Luigi says "Callucia's in Rome is the greatest bar in the world...with every glass of wine you get a free bowl of pasta!" Patrick and Gord both agree that's not such a bad sounding place. But Patrick insists that O'Malley's in Dublin is the best pub in the world. "You get a free pint of Guiness and corned beef and cabbage every Sunday night!" states Patrick. Both Gord and Luigi nod in approval. After a sip of one barrel and coke Gord remembers the best bar in Canada. "Moose's in Saskatoon is a great place to drink...you get lot's of free beer every night AND after that you get to go in the back room and have ALL the SEX you want!" Patrick and Luigi both looked at him in amazement. "This has happened to you before?" they asked. "Me...Oh no, but it happens to my sister every Saturday night!" cool
Posted By: papashine

Re: Balderdash - 06/23/05 06:36 PM

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. It was a pretty busy day and St. Peter told the first guy that heaven was getting full and he was only going to admit those people who had a particularly horrible death. So whats your story?
So the first man replies that for some time he had suspected his wife of cheating on him, so I came home early from work to try to catch her red handed. As I came into the 25thfloor apt I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went outside to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this guy hanging off the railing, 25 floors above the ground! By now I was real mad, so I started beating on him and kicking his hands, and wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into the apt and got a hammer and started hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand it for long, so he let go and fell--but even after 25 floors, he fell into some bushes and was only stunned. I couldn't stand it any more, so I grabbed our fridge and dropped it over the edge where it landed on him killing him instantly.. But all the stress gave me a heart attack and I died on the balcony.
St Peter saod that sounds like a pretty bad day to me, and let the man in.
The second man comes up, and St Peter explains the situation to him and asks for his story.
Its been a very strange day. You see I live on the 26th floor and every am I excercise on my balcony. Well this am I must have slipped or something, because I fell over my railing but managed to grab onto the rail of the apt below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for long, when this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought I was saved, but then he started beating and kicking me. I managed to hang on then he came out with a hammer and started beating my fingers, finally I had to let go, but got lucky and fell into some bushes which broke my fall. Just when I thought I would be ok this fridge comes hurtling out of the sky and crushes me to death.
Once again St Peter had to concede that the man had a terrible death and admitted him as well.
The third man came to the front of the line, and again the process for admission was explained, and St Peter asked him his story.
"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside this refrigerater...
Posted By: PattiCake

Re: Balderdash - 06/23/05 07:47 PM

My goodness the laughs just keep on coming! Thanks.. love..
Posted By: PattiCake

Re: Balderdash - 06/23/05 11:15 PM

Okay, I hope I did not hear (read) this joke on THIS message board.

An elderly man is sitting on a park bench weeping. I stopped to see if I could help.
"What's wrong?" I asked.

"Well," said the gentleman, "I'm 86 years old and I just got married last week."

"And that is why you are crying?" I asked.

"No no, she's a lovely bride, 29 years old. She has the most beautiful breasts, a great body and she loves to have sex," he said. "Plus she is a terrific cook, and a millionairess to boot."

"So why are you crying?" I asked again.

"I can't remember where we live," he moaned.
Posted By: SP Daily

Re: Balderdash - 06/23/05 11:36 PM

A young boy walks into a pharmacy and asks to see a male pharmasist urgently.
"What can i do for you son?" asks the pharmacist.
"Well you see sir, my girlfriend and i made a deal that if i meet her parents, she will have sex with me, and obviously, i agreed. The problem is however, i am a virgin, and i know nothing about sex, but i do not want to seem inexperienced, can you coach me please?"
The pharmacist then gives the young boy the 411 on sex, from the use of protection to having and giving an orgasm. After their talk, the pharmacist introduced the boy to the latex condom, explaining to him that it would give both him and his girlfriend great pleasure, yet great protection. He then asks the boy,
"So, how much would you like, the 3 pak, 5 pak, or the family pak?"
Smiling from ears corner to ears corner, the boy replies,
"The family pak please!"
The pharmacist then replies,
"Why so much my son?"
"Because sir, i know after we do this thing once, we will not get enough of it and will want to do it over and over!"
The young boy then thanks the pharmacist for his help and leaves the store.
Later that evening, the boy gets ready, and stores the condoms in his poket. On the way to his girlfriends house, he practices how to greet the parents in the most innocent way, to appear like a nice guy. Soon he reaches the front door, and his girlfriend lets him in.
"Come darling, my parents are around the table waiting for you so that we can eat".
They then enter into the house and are seated around the table. The boy then yells haistily, "I will say grace, let us bow our heads in a moment of silence!" Everyone then bows their heads to pray. After 2 minutes, his girlfriend realizes that he is still praying, so she says nothing. After 5 minutes, he is still praying, so finally, after 10 minutes, she leans over and says to him,
"Honey, i had no idea that you were this religious!"
He then replies,
"Honey, i had no idea that your father is a pharmacist!!"
Posted By: PattiCake

Re: Balderdash - 06/23/05 11:50 PM

Great Jesse!
Posted By: SP Daily

Re: Balderdash - 06/25/05 02:34 AM

a man walks into the local unemployment office and marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi.
You know, I just HATE drawing unemployment
checks. I'd really rather have a job." The social
worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is
excellent. We just got a job opening from a very
wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard
for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to
drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all
of your clothes. Because of the long hours,
meals will be provided. You'll be expected to
escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You'll
have a two bedroom apartment above the garage.
The starting salary is $200,000 a year."
The guy says, "You're bullshitting me!"
The social worker says, "Yeah, well, you started it."
Posted By: PattiCake

Re: Balderdash - 06/25/05 08:35 PM

My good friend inherited $700,000 (US, to boot) three weeks ago. The next week he won 1.5 million in the lottery.

He's crying on a park bench and I said, "why, baby?"

"Nothin this week."
Posted By: reaper

Re: Balderdash - 06/26/05 06:34 AM

Upon hearing SIN,Chris and Amanda give us a math class on another topic , it reminded me of math and its progression. TEACHING MATH IN 1950** A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?...TEACHING MATH IN 1960**A logger sells a truckload of his lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?...TEACHING MATH IN 1970**A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?...TEACHING MATH IN 1980** A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment:Underline the number 20. ...TEACHING MATH IN 1990**By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger makes $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class discussion. How did the forest birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down the trees? (there is no wrong answer, so please express your inner self)...TEACHING MATH IN 2005****EL hachero vende un camion carga por $100. La cuesta de production es....? cool
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Balderdash - 06/26/05 07:45 AM

is it just me - or was that one not-so-slightly racist?
Posted By: reaper

Re: Balderdash - 06/26/05 02:07 PM

lawcucui...you live in CA, you know it's just poking fun at the truth. Kinda like lawyer and priest jokes. Of course I hate those kind of people too! cool
Posted By: NYgal

Re: Balderdash - 06/26/05 08:56 PM

Maybe I need to be bilingual.....although I do understand some latin smile

Laughter is good medicine laugh
Posted By: reaper

Re: Balderdash - 06/27/05 06:11 AM

Maybe balderdash should go completly PC...no more making fun of Texans, Canadians, Old folks, pilots, politicians, old broads with face lifts, Belizians, kids, adulterers, the unemployed, Lawyers, Catholics, etc. NAH! So Jesse Jackson, the Pope and a Boy Scout are on an airplane together.....Ah, never mind! cool
Posted By: SP Daily

Re: Balderdash - 07/04/05 03:57 AM

A guy was hitch-hiking on a very dark and stormy night. The night was getting on and no cars went by. Suddenly he saw a car roll slowly toward him and stop.

Without thinking about it, the guy jumped into the back seat and closed the door when he suddenly realized there was nobody behind the wheel! Just then the car started slowly rolling forward again. He was beginning to get really freaked out when he noticed a curve in the road ahead. He was just thinking about climbing into the front seat when a hand mysteriously appeared through the window and moved the wheel.

The guy, paralyzed in terror, watched how the hand appeared every time right before a curve.

Gathering his courage, the guy finally jumped out of the car and ran to the nearest town. Wet and in shock, he went to a restaurant and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he just went through.

About half an hour later, two guys walked into the same rest- aurant. They were looking around for a table when one said to the other, "Hey, look, isn't that the jerk who got in the car when we were pushing it?"
Posted By: SP Daily

Re: Balderdash - 07/05/05 02:01 AM

Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.

And the winners are:

1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.

6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.

7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n.), emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), the belief that, when you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men
Posted By: Gwennan

Re: Balderdash - 07/08/05 06:52 PM

1) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you
get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle:
"Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children."

--Author Unknown

2) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a
support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they
meet at the bar."

--Drew Carey

3) "The problem with the designated driver program, it's
not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into
doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night,
drop them off at the wrong house."

--Jeff Foxworthy

4) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball
and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the
infant's life without even considering if there is a man on
base."

--Dave Barry

5) "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and
we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or
girlfriend
wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice.
There should be severance pay, the day before they leave
you, they should have to find you a temp."

--Bob Ettinger

6) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took
her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said,
'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'"

--Paula Poundstone

7) "A study in the Washington Post says that women have
better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the
authors of that study: "Duh."

--Conan O'Brien

8) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm
halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God....
I could be eating a slow learner."

--Lynda Montgomery

9) "I think that's how Chicago got started. Bunch of
people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime
and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's
go west.'"

--Richard Jeni

10) "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the
impersonators would be dead."
--Johnny Carson

11) "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us
geography."

--Paul Rodriguez

12) "My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they
turned sixty and that's the law."

--Jerry Seinfeld

13) "Remember in elementary school, you were told that in
case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file
line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that? What,
do tall people burn slower?"

--Warren Hutcherson

14) "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is
the same."

--Oscar Wilde

15) "Suppose you were an idiot ... And suppose you were a
member of Congress... But I repeat myself."

--Mark Twain

16) "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school
student. At least they can find Afghanistan."

--A. Whitney Brown

17) "You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog
will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right!
I never would've thought of that!'"

--Dave Barry

18) Do you know why they call it "PMS"? Because "Mad Cow
Disease" was taken.
--Unknown, presumed deceased


'
Posted By: SP Daily

Re: Balderdash - 07/08/05 11:01 PM

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day.
Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said,
"Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?"
Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my
boyfriend."
Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible.
She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus.
Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door, and there stood Grandma's minister.
The minister said, "Hello, son, is your Grandma home?"
The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her Boyfriend."
Posted By: klcman

Re: Balderdash - 07/08/05 11:32 PM

For Sale:
1 parachute, never opened. Used once, small stain. Cheap!
Posted By: Miss Anthropy

Re: Balderdash - 07/08/05 11:51 PM

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey, why the long face?"
Posted By: Wisecracker

Re: Balderdash - 07/09/05 02:17 AM

A guy walks into his psychiatrists office wearing nothing but Saran wrap around his entire body. The shrink looks up from his notebook and says," I can see your (you're) nuts, clearly".
Posted By: SP Daily

Re: Balderdash - 07/09/05 06:28 PM

After 50 years of happy marriage to Lena, Ole becomes very ill and realizes that he will soon die. In bed one night, Ole turns to his wife. ‘Lena,’ he asks. ‘When I am gone, do you think you will marry another man?’ Lena gave it some thought. ‘Well, yes,’ she said. ‘Marriage has been good to me and I think that I surely will marry again.’ Ole was taken aback. ‘Why Lena,’ he cried, ‘Will you bring your new husband into our house?’ ‘This is a fine house,’ said Lena, ‘Yes, I think we will live here.’ ‘But Lena,’ Ole gasped, ‘Will you bring your new husband into our bed?’ Lena said ‘Ole, you made this bed, a good strong bed. Yes! Sure I will bring my new husband into this bed.’ Ole gulped. ‘But Lena,’ he said in a quite voice, ‘...You won't … ah … let your new husband use my golf clubs, will you?’ Lena smiled at her husband. ‘Oh, Ole!’ she grinned, misty-eyed. ‘Of course he won't use your golf clubs! He is left-handed.’
Posted By: papashine

Re: Balderdash - 07/09/05 07:24 PM

An old farmer lies dying on his bed with his three sons gathered around him. The old man says to him that he loves them equally and cannot decide who shall get the biggest piece of land, the second biggest piece and the smallest piece. He decides to give each of his sons a baby duck to raise, once they have raised the ducks they are to go out and sell them, the son who gets the most money for his duck will get the biggest piece of land, the son who gets the second most money will get the second biggest piece, and the son who gets the least money will get the small piece of land. The sons all agree that this is a good idea, and they start raising there ducks. The day finally arrives and the three boys set out to sell there ducks, they come to a crossroads and one son goes left, one goes right, and one goes straight ahead. The boy who went right came upon a farmhouse right away and knocked on the door, a farmer opened up his door and asked what the boy wanted to which the boy answered that he was trying to sell a duck, it was a very fine duck, and would the farmer like to buy the duck. The farmer answered that yes he needed another duck and he would gladly give the lad 5 bucks for the duck. The boy said sold and handed the farmer his duck, then departed for home.
The boy who went left came upon a couple of farms but no one wanted his duck, finally he found one more farm and asked the farmer if he would like to purchase his hand raised duck, the farmer replied that yes he was in the market for a duck and offered the boy 10 bucks for his duck, to which the boy said sold, handed him the duck and split for home.
Now the third son who went straight ahead had no luck what so ever, he had walked for miles and no one wanted too buy his duck, he was just about ready to give up when he saw in the distance one more farm house so he decided to give it one more try. He got to the house and knocked on the door, presently a very cute young lady opened the door and asked what it was the boy wanted. He answered that he would like to speak with her father, she said that her father was in town and would not be back till sometime later. The boy was really discouraged by this news and said to the girl that he was really trying to sell his duck and he was hoping that she would buy it. She answered that it was indeed a mighty fine duck and she would trade him a f..k for the duck. He thought about it for about a 10th of a second and agreed, well after they were done she said to the boy that he had performed so well that she would give him back his duck if he would f..k her again. The boy agreed and performed the deed. After he was finished he was just leaving the yard with his duck when the farmer arrived and said thats a mighty fine looking duck you have there, I will give you 15 bucks for the duck, sold cries the boy, the farmer gives him the 15 bucks and tells him to let the duck go in the yard. The boy is just about to leave when the duck wanders onto the highway and a passing truck flattens the duck. The farmer tells the boy to keep the 15 bucks and take the dead duck as well. The boy leaves and heads for home.
The three brothers are gathered around there fathers bed and the first son blurts out that he got 5 bucks for his duck, the old man sits up and says that he has to be the winner to get that much money for a duck, The second boy says hang on a minute Dad, I got 10 bucks for my duck. Thats amazing says the old man, I guess you are the winner. Hold on one moment the third son says, I gota duck for a f..k, a f..k for a duck, fifteen bucks for a f..ked up duck, and I still got the f..king duck!
Posted By: SP Daily

Re: Balderdash - 07/09/05 07:45 PM

Very Good! I could even hear your Canuckian accent as I read it.
Posted By: SP Daily

Re: Balderdash - 07/09/05 07:50 PM

A rabbi and a priest are involved in a bad car crash. Their vehicles are totally demolished but both clergymen are uninjured. After they crawl out of their wrecked cars, the rabbi sees the priest’s collar. ‘So,’ says the rabbi, ‘you’re a priest. I am a rabbi. Just look at our cars. Both are completely demolished and you and I stand here unscathed. God must have intended for us to meet and become great friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days.’ ‘I agree with you totally,’ says the priest. ‘This must be a sign from God. You will be my closest friend for as long as we both may live.’
‘Look at this,’ the rabbi continues. ‘Here is another miracle already. Look here in the back, a bottle of Mogen David wine, unbroken. Surely God wants us to seal our friendship with a drink.’ With this, he pops the cork, and hands the bottle to the priest, who takes several swigs and passes it back to the rabbi. But he just hands it back to the priest.
‘Aren’t you having any?’ the priest asks. ‘No,’ the rabbi replies. ‘I think I’ll just wait for the police.’
Posted By: papashine

Re: Balderdash - 07/10/05 02:09 AM

[Linked Image]
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Balderdash - 07/10/05 03:03 AM

Oh Papashine you've got a winner there! :p :p :p
Posted By: Pugs Hate the Sun

Re: Balderdash - 07/10/05 07:49 AM

How To Clean Your Toilet - The Fun Way

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.


4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and rinse".

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.

Sincerely,

The Dog
Posted By: Pugs Hate the Sun

Re: Balderdash - 07/10/05 08:02 AM

How To Bathe A Cat

(Note: Jeffery LaCroix is a veterinarian with an office in Wilmington. He writes a column for the Morning Star called "From Paws to Tails." Here is his response to a letter regarding bathing a cat : )
Dear Dr. LaCroix: I've heard that cats never have to be bathed, and that they have some sort of special enzyme in their saliva that keeps them clean. This doesn't sound believable to me because there are definite "kitty" odors on my couch and dirty cat paw prints on our white hearth. Is this true about the saliva? If we do decide to give "Nice Kitty" a bath, how do we do that? - NSP, Wilmington

Dear NSP: Fortunately for you, several years ago a client gave me a written set of instructions about cat bathing which I am privileged to share with you: Cat Bathing As A Martial Art

A. Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and lack of concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength. Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don't try to bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase him. Pick a very small bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet square, I recommend that you get in the tub with the cat and close the sliding-glass doors as if you were about to take a shower. (A simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat can shred a three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a politician can shift positions.)

B. Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the skin from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know how to dress to protect yourself.

I recommend canvas overalls tucked into high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockey face-mask, and a long-sleeved flak jacket.

C. Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if to simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually notice your strange attire. They have little or no interest in fashion as a rule.)

D. Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to survival. In a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and squirt him with shampoo. You have begun one of the wildest 45 seconds of your life.

E. Cats have no handles. Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and the problem is radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him for more than two or three seconds at a time. When you have him, however, you must remember to give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy.

He'll then spring free and fall back into the water, thereby rinsing himself off. (The national record for cats is three latherings, so don't expect too much.)

F. Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at this point and the cat is just getting really determined. In fact, the drying is simple compared with what you have just been through. That's because by now the cat is semi-permanently affixed to your right leg.

You simply pop the drain plug with your foot, reach for your towel and wait. (Occasionally, however, the cat will end up clinging to the top of your army helmet. If this happens, the best thing you can do is to shake him loose and to encourage him toward your leg.) After all the water is drained from the tub, it is a simple matter to just reach down and dry the cat.

In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from your leg. He will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you. He might even become psychoceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine. You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isn't usually the case.

As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses and injure you for life the next time you decide to give him a bath.

But at least now he smells a lot better.
Posted By: PattiCake

Re: Balderdash - 07/11/05 04:39 PM

Thanx eveybody!!!!

Gwennan, I'm saving those, especially the "breaking up with your boy/girlfriend" one. Priceless.
Posted By: SP Daily

Re: Balderdash - 07/11/05 06:21 PM

The 98-year-old Mother Superior from Ireland was dying. The nuns gathered
around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable. They gave her
some warm milk to drink but she refused. Then one of the nuns took the glass
back to the kitchen.
Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous
Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.
Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother
drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had drunk
the whole glass down to the last drop.
"Mother," the nuns asked with earnest, "please give us some wisdom before
you die."
She raised herself up in bed and with a pious look on her face said,
"Don't sell that cow."
Posted By: SP Daily

Re: Balderdash - 07/11/05 10:09 PM

If you cannot understand my argument, and declare ‘It’s Greek to me’, you are quoting Shakespeare; if you claim to be more sinned against than sinning, you are quoting Shakespeare; if you recall your salad days, you are quoting Shakespeare; if you act more in sorrow than in anger, if your wish is father to the thought, if your lost property has vanished into thin air, you are quoting Shakespeare; if you have ever refused to budge an inch or suffered from green-eyed jealousy, if you have played fast and loose, if you have been tongue-tied, a tower of strength, hoodwinked or in a pickle, if you have knitted your brows, made a virtue of necessity, insisted on fair play, slept not one wink, stood on ceremony, danced attendance (on your lord and master), laughed yourself into stitches, had short shrift, cold comfort or too much of a good thing, if you have seen better days or lived in a fool’s paradise -- why, be that as it may, the more fool you, for it is a foregone conclusion that you are (as good luck would have it) quoting Shakespeare; if you think it is early days and clear out bag and baggage, if you think it is high time and that that is the long and short of it, if you believe that the game is up and that truth will out even if it involves your own flesh and blood, if you lie low till the crack of doom because you suspect foul play, if you have your teeth set on edge (at one fell swoop) without rhyme or reason, then -- to give the devil his due -- if the truth were known (for surely you have a tongue in your head) you are quoting Shakespeare; even if you bid me good riddance and send me packing, if you wish I was dead as a doornail, if you think I am an eyesore, a laughing stock, the devil incarnate, a stony-hearted villain, bloody-minded or a blinking idiot, then -- by Jove! O Lord! Tut, tut! For goodness’ sake! What the dickens! But me no buts -- it is all one to me, for you are quoting Shakespeare.
Posted By: SP Daily

Re: Balderdash - 07/13/05 08:56 PM

Don't permit yourself to get between a dog and a lamp-post.
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Balderdash - 07/14/05 03:36 PM

Askinny little white guy goes into an elevator,looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him.
The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, so he looks down and says "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 18 inch member, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown".
The white man faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says, "Whats wrong with you?"
In a weak voice the little guy asks, "What exactly did you say to me?"
The big dude says, "I saw your curious look and figured I'd give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet tall. I weigh 350 pounds. I have an 18 inch private. My right nut weighs 3 pounds. My left nut weighs 3 pounds. And my name is Turner Brown.
The small guys says, "Turner Brown!!!....Sweet Jesus, I thought you said --Turn Around".
Posted By: SP Daily

Re: Balderdash - 07/28/05 03:13 PM

The Atheist and the Bear


An atheist was walking through the woods one day in Alaska, admiring all that evolution had created. "What majestic trees! What a powerful river! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself. As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.

Turning to look, he saw a 13-foot Kodiak brown bear beginning to charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could down the path.

He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was rapidly closing on him.
Somehow, he ran even faster, so scared that tears came to his eyes. He looked again & the bear was even closer. His heart pounding in his chest, he tried to run faster yet. But alas, he tripped and fell to the ground.

As he rolled over to pick himself up, the bear was right over him, reaching for him with it's left paw and raising its right paw to strike him....he yelled out, "OH MY GOD!"

Time stopped.......

The bear froze.......

The forest was silent............

Even the river stopped moving.

As a brilliant light shone upon the man, a thunderous voice came from all around, GOD SPOKE: "YOU DENY MY EXISTENCE FOR ALL THESE YEARS, TEACH OTHERS THAT I DON'T EXIST AND EVEN CREDIT CREATION TO SOME COSMIC ACCIDENT. DO YOU EXPECT ME TO HELP YOU OUT OF THIS PREDICAMENT? "AM I TO COUNT YOU NOW AS A BELIEVER?"

Difficult as it was, the atheist looked directly into the light & said, "It would be hypocritical to ask to be a Christian after all these years, but perhaps you could make the bear a Christian?"

"VERY WELL," said GOD.

The light went out...

The river ran...

The sounds of the forest resumed..

And the bear dropped down on his knees, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke:

"Lord, thank you for this food which I am about to receive, Amen."
Posted By: megantc

Re: Balderdash - 07/28/05 07:20 PM

Hello -

I am gathering stories for a potential television program, and I am looking for information regarding anyone that has had experience with any "bugs" caught while in the area of San Pedro.

Any stories are great, but if you are from the US, and picked something up while visiting the islands, it would be great to hear from you.

Please note - looking only for exotic diseases, please no correspondance regarding STD's.

Thanks! Megan
Posted By: Chloe

Re: Balderdash - 07/28/05 07:31 PM

Jesse, very timely story, thanks.
Posted By: SP Daily

Re: Balderdash - 07/29/05 04:13 AM

There was an old country preacher who had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought along the line of choosing a profession. Like many young men, then and now, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do- and he didn't seem overly concerned about it.

One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. What he did was, he went into the boy's room and placed on his study table these three objects: a Bible, a silver dollar, and a bottle of whiskey...

"Now then," the old preacher said to himself, "I'll just hide behind the door here, and when my son comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which of these three objects he picks up. If he picks up the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman, and that would be o.k. too. But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a drunkard - a no-good drunkard and Lord, what a shame that would be."

The old man was anxious as he waited, and soon he heard his son's footsteps as he came in the house whistling and headed back to his room. He deposited his books on the bed, as a matter of routine, and as he turned around to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table.

With a curious set in his eye, he walked over to inspect them. What he finally did was, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink...

"Lord have mercy," the old man whispered, "He's gonna be a politician!"
Posted By: SP Daily

Re: Balderdash - 07/29/05 04:18 AM

The Twins

A woman, who was pregnant with twins, got into a car accident and went into a coma... She was rushed to the hospital where doctors delivered her twins to save them. But as she was in a coma and her husband was overseas on business, her brother was the only one present to name her children.

When she came out of the coma, hours after arriving at the hospital and found out that her brother had named the twins, she was very worried. Her brother was not very bright, and she didn't think he would have done a very good job of choosing her kids' names.

When he came in to see her she asked, "So what names did you choose for my children?"

He replied, "The first born was a girl."

"Oh," started the woman, "and what did you name her??"

"Denise," answered her brother.

The woman was very surprised, and very pleased, "Hey, that's not half bad!" She exclaimed to her brother. "And what did you name the second child?" She waited excitedly to hear the name her brother had chosen for the other child.

"Well, the next born was a boy," her brother informed her.

"Yes, and what did you name him??" inquired the woman.

Replied the brother,

"Denephew."
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Balderdash - 07/30/05 05:19 PM

Sisters Marilyn and Helen were traveling through Europe in their car. When they stopped at a traffic light in Transylvania, a tiny little Dracula jumped onto the hood and hissed through the windshield.
Sister Marilyn screamed, "What shall we do?"
"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," said Sister Helen.
Sister Marilyn switched on the wipers, which knocked Dracula about, but he hung on and continued hissing at the nuns.
"What shall I do now?" she shouted.
"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican," said Sister Helen.
Sister Marilyn turned on the windshield washer. Dracula screamed in agony as the water burned his skin, but still he clung to the wipers, all the while hissing at the nuns.
"Now what?" shouted Sister Marilyn.
"Show him your cross," said Sister Helen.
"Now you're talking," says Sister Marilyn.
Then she opened the window and shouted, "Get the f##k off our car!!!"
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Balderdash - 08/02/05 07:06 PM

If Dogs were the teachers, you would learn stuff like:

When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.
Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.
Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.
When it's in your best interest, practice obedience.
Let others know when they've invaded your territory.
Take naps.
Stretch before rising. Run, romp, and play daily.
Thrive on attention and let people touch you.
Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.
On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass.
On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.
When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.
No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout....run right back and make friends.
Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.
Eat with gusto and enthusiasm, stop when you have had enough.
Be loyal.
Never pretend to be something you're not.
If what you want is buried, dig until you find it.
When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.
Posted By: Denny Shane

Re: Balderdash - 08/02/05 09:16 PM

You sure that's about dogs? I think one of my ex-wives had that in the pre-nup. eek
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Balderdash - 08/08/05 04:41 PM

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Sheriff's Deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the Deputy because he is sure that he has a
better education. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the deputy's expense.
Deputy says, "License and registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What for?"
Deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
Deputy says, "The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!"
Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket, if not you let me go and no ticket."
Deputy says, "Exit your vehicle, sir." At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving crap out of the
lawyer and says, "Do you want me to stop or just slow down?"
Posted By: dogmatic prevaricator

Re: Balderdash - 08/08/05 05:52 PM

[Linked Image]
Posted By: NYgal

Re: Balderdash - 08/09/05 02:40 AM

Old Butch

John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several
hundred young layers (hens), called pullets and eight or ten
roosters, whose job was to fertilize the eggs.

The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went
into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time
so he bought a set of tinybells and attached them to his roosters.
Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance,
which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill
out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.

The farmer's favourite rooster was old Butch, a very fine specimen
he was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed old
Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!

John went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets,
bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would
run for cover. But to Farmer John's amazement, Butch had his bell
in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job
and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of Butch, he entered
him in the county fair and Butch became an overnight sensation among
the judges.

The result...The judges not only awarded Butch the "No Bell Piece
Prize" but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.

Clearly Butch was a politician in the making.. Who else but a
politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly
coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on
the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention?
Posted By: Chloe

Re: Balderdash - 08/09/05 04:08 PM

Nygal....now that's a really good one.

By the WAY where is our PAPASHINE, these days?

PAPASHINE we miss you.
Posted By: SP Daily

Re: Balderdash - 08/09/05 06:04 PM

As part of an effort to crack down on terrorist activity within Britain, Prime Minister Tony Blair has instituted a new series of tests that any applicant for British citizenship must pass:

- The ability to express the full range of human emotion by gentle throat clearing.

- The ability to drink a full pint of warm flat beer (non-alcoholic beer is permitted, but in this case two pints must be consumed).

- The ability to complement the cook after consuming a dinner of cold mashed potatoes, cold peas, and cold burnt meat.

- The ability to instinctively know if it's tea first or milk first.

- The ability to praise the French while clearly indicating that since 1066 they've pretty much been a bunch of losers.

- The ability to praise the Americans while clearly indicating that they got lucky that one time in the late 1700's.

- The ability to colour in red those bits of the globe that still should properly belong to Britain (extra credit if the United States is included).

And finally

- The ability to utter the phrase "British Way of Life" without cracking even the hint of a smile.
Posted By: NYgal

Re: Balderdash - 08/10/05 02:26 AM

Great one Jesse smile
Posted By: SP Daily

Re: Balderdash - 08/10/05 03:54 AM

English Pronunciation!?!
If you can pronounce correctly every word in this poem, you will be speaking English better than 90% of the native English speakers in the world. After trying the verses, a Frenchman said he'd prefer six months of hard labour to reading six lines aloud. Try them yourself.

Dearest creature in creation,
Study English pronunciation.
I will teach you in my verse
Sounds like corpse, corps, horse, and worse.
I will keep you, Suzy, busy,
Make your head with heat grow dizzy.
Tear in eye, your dress will tear.
So shall I! Oh hear my prayer.
Just compare heart, beard, and heard,
Dies and diet, lord and word,
Sword and sward, retain and Britain.
(Mind the latter, how it's written.)
Now I surely will not plague you
With such words as plaque and ague.
But be careful how you speak:
Say break and steak, but bleak and streak;
Cloven, oven, how and low,
Script, receipt, show, poem, and toe.
Hear me say, devoid of trickery,
Daughter, laughter, and Terpsichore,
Typhoid, measles, topsails, aisles,
Exiles, similes, and reviles;
Scholar, vicar, and cigar,
Solar, mica, war and far;
One, anemone, Balmoral,
Kitchen, lichen, laundry, laurel;
Gertrude, German, wind and mind,
Scene, Melpomene, mankind.
Billet does not rhyme with ballet,
Bouquet, wallet, mallet, chalet.
Blood and flood are not like food,
Nor is mould like should and would.
Viscous, viscount, load and broad,
Toward, to forward, to reward.
And your pronunciation's OK
When you correctly say croquet,
Rounded, wounded, grieve and sieve,
Friend and fiend, alive and live.
Ivy, privy, famous; clamour
And enamour rhyme with hammer.
River, rival, tomb, bomb, comb,
Doll and roll and some and home.
Stranger does not rhyme with anger,
Neither does devour with clangour.
Souls but foul, haunt but aunt,
Font, front, wont, want, grand, and grant,
Shoes, goes, does. Now first say finger,
And then singer, ginger, linger,
Real, zeal, mauve, gauze, gouge and gauge,
Marriage, foliage, mirage, and age.
Query does not rhyme with very,
Nor does fury sound like bury.
Dost, lost, post and doth, cloth, loth.
Job, nob, bosom, transom, oath.
Though the differences seem little,
We say actual but victual.
Refer does not rhyme with deafer.
Foeffer does, and zephyr, heifer.
Mint, pint, senate and sedate;
Dull, bull, and George ate late.
Scenic, Arabic, Pacific,
Science, conscience, scientific.
Liberty, library, heave and heaven,
Rachel, ache, moustache, eleven.
We say hallowed, but allowed,
People, leopard, towed, but vowed.
Mark the differences, moreover,
Between mover, cover, clover;
Leeches, breeches, wise, precise,
Chalice, but police and lice;
Camel, constable, unstable,
Principle, disciple, label.
Petal, panel, and canal,
Wait, surprise, plait, promise, pal.
Worm and storm, chaise, chaos, chair,
Senator, spectator, mayor.
Tour, but our and succour, four.
Gas, alas, and Arkansas.
Sea, idea, Korea, area,
Psalm, Maria, but malaria.
Youth, south, southern, cleanse and clean.
Doctrine, turpentine, marine.
Compare alien with Italian,
Dandelion and battalion.
Sally with ally, yea, ye,
Eye, I, ay, aye, whey, and key.
Say aver, but ever, fever,
Neither, leisure, skein, deceiver.
Heron, granary, canary.
Crevice and device and aerie.
Face, but preface, not efface.
Phlegm, phlegmatic, ass, glass, bass.
Large, but target, gin, give, verging,
Ought, out, joust and scour, scourging.
Ear, but earn and wear and tear
Do not rhyme with here but ere.
Seven is right, but so is even,
Hyphen, roughen, nephew Stephen,
Monkey, donkey, Turk and jerk,
Ask, grasp, wasp, and cork and work.
Pronunciation (think of Psyche!)
Is a paling stout and spikey?
Won't it make you lose your wits,
Writing groats and saying grits?
It's a dark abyss or tunnel:
Strewn with stones, stowed, solace, gunwale,
Islington and Isle of Wight,
Housewife, verdict and indict.
Finally, which rhymes with enough,
Though, through, plough, or dough, or cough?
Hiccough has the sound of cup.
My advice is to give up!!!
Posted By: reaper

Re: Balderdash - 08/10/05 05:05 AM

Jesse...can we add in quit, quite and quiet! cool
Posted By: SP Daily

Re: Balderdash - 08/18/05 02:25 PM

One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor
of a small Florida church found a pink envelope containing $1000. It
happened again the next week. The following Sunday, he watched as the
offering was collected and saw a little old lady put the distinctive
pink envelope in the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor,
overcome by curiosity, approached her.

"Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the
collection plate," he stated.

"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and I give
some of it to the church."

The pastor replied, "That's wonderful, how much does he send you?"

The old lady said, "$10,000 a week."

The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful; what does he do
for
a living?"

"He is a veterinarian," she answered.

"That is an honorable profession," the pastor said. "Where does he
practice?"

The old lady said proudly, "In Nevada. He has two cat houses in Las
Vegas and one in Reno."
Posted By: SP Daily

Re: Balderdash - 08/18/05 04:06 PM

A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday.

She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the
counter. A Wal-Mart associate is standing there wearing dark shades.

She says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?

He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes."

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway. He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a
Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. test line. It's a good all around combination; and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."

She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!"

As she opens her purse , her credit card drops on the floor.
"Oh,that sounds like a Visa card," he says.

She bends down to pick it up and accidentally breaks wind. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who farted. Being blind, he
wouldn't know that she was only person around.

The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50, please."

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it was on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"

He replies, "Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Catfish Bait is $3.50."
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Balderdash - 08/19/05 06:32 PM

A doctor and three lawyers walked into a restaurant. Soon the waiter came over to serve them.
"Good Evening, sir,” he said to the doctor. “And what would you like this evening?”
“I’d like the filet mignon, medium rare,” replied the doctor.
“Would you like anything with that?”
“What do you have?”
“Salad?” suggested the waiter.
“No, thank you,” said the doctor.
“Potatoes?”
“Ah, no.”
“Vegetables?”
“Oh, they’ll have what I'm having.”
Posted By: Seachange

Re: Balderdash - 08/19/05 08:53 PM

I had to read that one three times...could be because I'm a veg... I mean an attorney... eek
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Balderdash - 08/19/05 08:56 PM

I'm of the "vegetable" persuasion myself - kinda why I thought it was funny! wink
Posted By: Denny Shane

Re: Balderdash - 08/19/05 09:13 PM

hey another barrister onboard... welcome seachange eek
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Balderdash - 08/19/05 09:19 PM

There are getting to be quite a few of us --

How do you get a dozen lawyers to agree?
Shoot 11 of them.
Shoot all of them - Who the hell wants a dozen lawyers?
Posted By: GAY AND DAVID

Re: Balderdash - 08/19/05 09:24 PM

OILSHORTAGE 101
A lot of folks can't understand
how we came to have
an oil shortage here in our country.
~~~
Well, there's a very simple answer.
~~~
Nobody bothered to check the oil.
~~~
We just didn't know we were getting low.
~~~
The reason for that is purely geographical.
~~~
OurOILis located in
~~~
Alaska
~~~
California
~~~
Oklahoma
and
TEXAS
~~~
~~~
Our
DIPSTICKS
are located in
Washington
Posted By: Seachange

Re: Balderdash - 08/19/05 09:39 PM

Thanks Your Honor!
Posted By: SP Daily

Re: Balderdash - 08/22/05 09:59 PM

A Jamaican from Kingston moves to California and goes to one of those big "everything under one roof" stores looking for a job. The manager asked, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The Jamaican said, "Well sah, me used to sell likkle akee an salfish pan de streets a Kingstan."

The boss liked the Jamaican kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I’ll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to see how things went.

"How many sales did you make today?"

The Jamaican man replied without hesitating, "One, boss man."

The boss said, "Just one? That can't work! Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day! ...How much was the sale for?"

The Jamaican said, "$101,237.64."

The boss said, "$101,237.64?! What the hell did you sell?!"

The Jamaican said, "Well, fus me sell 'im a likkle fish hook.
Then me sell 'im him a medium size fish hook. Then me sell 'im a bigga fish hook.
Then me sell 'im one a di bran' new Hartsford fishin' rod.
Then mi aks him weh 'im gwen go fish an 'im seh, "down de coast, so me realize dat 'im gwen need a boat.
Soh me took 'im down a di boating department an me sell 'im one a de twin-engine Chris Craft. Then 'im seh 'im noh tink 'im likkle Honda Civic would strang enuf fe pull it.
Soh me took 'im down a de automotive department an sell 'im one a de 4x4 Chevy Blazer."

Amazed, the boss said, "A guy came in here to buy
a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a truck?"

"No Bossman", replied the Jamaican, "'im come een ya fu buy a box of tampons for 'im wife an mi tell 'im,
'Well, since yu weekend mash-up, yu might as well go fishin'!!!"
Posted By: Jeb

Re: Balderdash - 08/23/05 02:14 AM

NOTES FOR THOSE WHO TAKE LIFE TOO SERIOUSLY


1. SAVE THE WHALES. COLLECT THE WHOLE SET.

2. A DAY WITHOUT SUNSHINE IS LIKE, NIGHT.

3. ON THE OTHER HAND, YOU HAVE DIFFERENT FINGERS.

4. I JUST GOT LOST IN THOUGHT. IT WASN'T FAMILIAR TERRITORY.

5. 42.7 PERCENT OF ALL STATISTICS ARE MADE UP ON THE SPOT.

6. 99 PERCENT OF LAWYERS GIVE THE REST A BAD NAME.

7. I FEEL LIKE I'M DIAGONALLY PARKED IN A PARALLEL UNIVERSE.

8. HONK IF YOU LOVE PEACE AND QUIET.

9. REMEMBER, HALF THE PEOPLE YOU KNOW ARE BELOW AVERAGE.

10. HE WHO LAUGHS LAST, THINKS SLOWEST.

11. DEPRESSION IS MERELY ANGER WITHOUT ENTHUSIASM.

12. THE EARLY BIRD MAY GET THE WORM, BUT THE SECOND MOUSE GETS
THE CHEESE.

13. I DRIVE WAY TOO FAST TO WORRY ABOUT CHOLESTEROL.

14. SUPPORT BACTERIA. THEY'RE THE ONLY CULTURE SOME PEOPLE HAVE.

15. MONDAY IS AN AWFUL WAY TO SPEND 1/7 OF YOUR WEEK.

16. A CLEAR CONSCIENCE IS USUALLY THE SIGN OF A BAD MEMORY.

17. CHANGE IS INEVITABLE, EXCEPT FROM VENDING MACHINES.

18. GET A NEW CAR FOR YOUR SPOUSE. IT'LL BE A GREAT TRADE!

19. PLAN TO BE SPONTANEOUS TOMORROW.

20. ALWAYS TRY TO BE MODEST, AND BE PROUD OF IT!

21. IF YOU THINK NOBODY CARES, TRY MISSING A COUPLE OF PAYMENTS.

22. HOW MANY OF YOU BELIEVE IN PSYCHO-KINESIS? RAISE MY HAND.

23 . OK, SO WHAT'S THE SPEED OF DARK?

24. HOW DO YOU TELL WHEN YOU'RE OUT OF INVISIBLE INK?

25. IF EVERYTHING SEEMS TO BE GOING WELL, YOU HAVE
OBVIOUSLY OVERLOOKED SOMETHING.

26. WHEN EVERYTHING IS COMING YOUR WAY, YOU'RE IN THE WRONG
LANE.

27. HARD WORK PAYS OFF IN THE FUTURE. LAZINESS PAYS OFF NOW.

28. EVERYONE HAS A PHOTOGRAPHIC MEMORY. SOME JUST DO NOT HAVE
FILM.

29. IF BARBIE IS SO POPULAR, WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BUY HER FRIENDS?

30. HOW MUCH DEEPER WOULD THE OCEAN BE WITHOUT SPONGES?

31. EAGLES MAY SOAR, BUT WEASELS DO NOT GET SUCKED INTO JET
ENGINES.

32. WHAT HAPPENS IF YOU GET SCARED HALF TO DEATH TWICE?

33. I USED TO HAVE AN OPEN MIND BUT MY BRAINS KEPT FALLING OUT.

34. I COULDN'T REPAIR YOUR BRAKES, SO I MADE YOUR HORN LOUDER.

35. WHY DO PSYCHICS HAVE TO ASK YOU FOR YOUR NAME?

36. INSIDE EVERY OLDER PERSON IS A YOUNGER PERSON WONDERING
WHAT HAPPENED!

37. JUST REMEMBER - IF THE WORLD DID NOT SUCK, WE WOULD ALL
FALL OFF.

38. LIGHT TRAVELS FASTER THAN SOUND, WHICH IS WHY SOME
PEOPLE APPEAR BRIGHT UNTIL YOU HEAR THEM SPEAK
Posted By: Chloe

Re: Balderdash - 08/23/05 02:28 AM

Numbers 36 and 37 are true for me. laugh
Posted By: Placidguy

Re: Balderdash - 08/23/05 02:39 AM

A redneck taped toilet paper to his television.

He said, "Hey, lookie here, now we have free paper view!"
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Balderdash - 08/23/05 02:59 AM

Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.
One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.
The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely.
After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom, "I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!!!"
"IMPOSSIBLE !!" said the groom broom.

"WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!"

Sounds to me like she's been "sweeping" around!)
Posted By: SP Daily

Re: Balderdash - 08/26/05 01:42 PM

A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking
company's fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say, at
the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine.'," asked the lawyer.
Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just
loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the..."
I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just
answer the question? Did you not say, at the scene of the accident,
'I'm fine!'?"
Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was
driving down the road...."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to
establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told
the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now Several
weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he
is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and
said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his
favorite mule, Bessie".

Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I
had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was
driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer
ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side.
I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I
was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear
ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape
just by her groans.
Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He
could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her.
After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the
eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun in hand, looked at
me, and said, "How are you feeling?"
"Now what would you say?"
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Balderdash - 08/30/05 12:20 AM

A mother and her five-year-old son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The mother, who couldn't think of an answer appropriate for a five-year-old told her son to ask the stewardess. So the little boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and
big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The stewardess smiled and asked, "Did your mommy tell you to ask me that?"
"Uh -huh, she did," said the little boy sweetly.
"Well, then, tell your mommy that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Have your mommy explain that to you."
Posted By: Denny Shane

Re: Balderdash - 08/30/05 02:01 AM

laugh laugh laugh
Posted By: SP Daily

Re: Balderdash - 09/02/05 06:01 PM

A group of senior citizens were sitting around talking about their ailments:

"My arms are so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.

"Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee," complained another.

"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a third, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.

"My blood pressure pills make me dizzy," another added.

"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he slowly shook his head.

Then there was a short moment of silence...

"Well, it's not that bad," said one woman cheerfully. "Thank goodness we can all still drive."
Posted By: Pugs Hate the Sun

Re: Balderdash - 09/11/05 09:11 PM

Chocolate Chip Cookies
>>
>>
>>
>> An elderly Irishman lay dying in his bed.
>>
>> While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the
aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs.
>>
>> He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.
>>
>> Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom,and
with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands,he
crawled downstairs.
>>
>> With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the
kitchen.
>>
>> Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in
heaven, for there, spread put upon waxed paper on the kitchen table
were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.
>>
>>
>>
>> Was it heaven?
>>
>>
>>
>> Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted Irish wife of
sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
>>
>> Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table,
landing on his knees in a rumpled posture.
>>
>> His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the cookie was already
in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life.
>>
>> The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge
of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his
wife......
>>
>>
>>
>> "[#%!] off" she said, "they're for the funeral."
>
> ____________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________
>
Posted By: seashell

Re: Balderdash - 09/12/05 05:50 PM

Once upon a time,
in a land far away,
a beautiful, independent,
self-assured princess
happened upon a frog as she sat,
contemplating ecological issues
on the shores of an unpolluted pond
in a verdant meadow near her castle.
The frog hopped into the princess' lap
and said: Elegant Lady,
I was once a handsome prince,
until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.
One kiss from you, however,
and I will turn back
into the dapper, young prince that I am
and then, my sweet, we can marry
and set up housekeeping in your castle
with my mother, where you can prepare my meals,
clean my clothes, bear my children,
and forever feel grateful and happy doing so.
That night, as the princess dined sumptuously
on lightly sautéed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce,
she chuckled and thought to herself:
I don't fricken' think so.
Posted By: SP Daily

Re: Balderdash - 09/12/05 05:52 PM

Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic built up at an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day.
So one day Farmer John called the sheriff's office and said, "You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens."
"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff. "I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!"
So the next day he had the county workers go out and erected a sign that said:
SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING
Three days later Farmer John called the sheriff and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers. The 'school crossing' sign seems to make them go even faster."
So, again, the sheriff sends out the county workers and they put up a new sign: SLOW:
CHILDREN AT PLAY. That really sped them up.
So Farmer John called and called and called every day for three weeks.
Finally, he asked the sheriff, "Your signs are doing no good. Can I put up my own sign?"
The sheriff told him, "Sure thing, put up your own sign." He was going to let Farmer John do just about anything in order to get him to stop calling every day to complain. The sheriff got no more calls from Farmer John.
Three weeks later, curiosity got the best of the sheriff and he decided to give Farmer John a call. "How's the problem with those drivers. Did you put up your sign?" "Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then. I've got to go. I'm very busy." He hung up the phone.
The sheriff was really curious now and he thought to himself "I'd better go out there and take a look at that sign... it might be something that WE could use to slow down drivers.." So the sheriff drove out to Farmer John's house, and his jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign. It was spray-painted on a sheet of wood:

"NUDIST COLONY"

Go slow and watch out for the chicks
Posted By: GAY AND DAVID

Re: Balderdash - 09/14/05 09:39 PM

This is blonde math...

I was sitting in a cafeteria recently, next to a blonde who was engrossed in her newspaper.

One of the headlines blared: "12 Brazilian Soldiers Killed." She shook her head at the sad news.

Then, turning to me, asked, "How many is a Brazilian?"
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Balderdash - 09/14/05 10:28 PM

A father walks into a book store with his young son. The boy is holding a quarter. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The
father realizes the boy has swallowed the quarter and starts panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the book store.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"

"No," the woman replied. "Divorce attorney."
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Balderdash - 09/17/05 12:05 AM

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
At an Optometrist's Office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
At a Proctologist's door: "To expedite your visit please back in."
On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door: "Hello, Can we pick your nose?"
On a Septic Tank Truck in Oregon: "Yesterday's Meals on Wheels"
On a Septic Tank Truck sign: "We're #1 in the #2 business."
On a Plumber's truck: "We repair what your husband fixed."
On a Plumber's truck: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber..."
Pizza Shop Slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak."
At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blowout."
At a Towing company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."
In a Nonsmoking Area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
On a Maternity Room door: "Push. Push. Push."
On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."
In a Podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels."
On a Fence: "Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."
At a Car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet -- miss a car payment."
Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
In a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
At the Electric Company: "We would be delighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don't, you will be."
In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up."
At a Propane Filling Station: "Thank heaven for little grills."
At a Chicago Radiator Shop: "Best place in town to take a leak."
Posted By: NYgal

Re: Balderdash - 09/19/05 01:38 AM

Some Things To Think About:


Number 10 - Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 9 - Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 8 - Men have two emotions:
Hungry and Horny.
If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich!

Number 7 - Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

Number 6 - Some people are like a Slinky.. ...
not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

Number 5 - Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals Dying of nothing.

Number 4 - All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Number 3 - Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?

Number 2 - In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT FOR 2005:
We know exactly where one cow with mad-cow-disease is located among the millions and millions of cows in America but we haven't got a clue as to where thousands of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of immigration.
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Balderdash - 09/19/05 05:21 PM

A guy is in line at the supermarket when he notices that a prettty hot blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him.
He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and although familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he says, “Sorry, do you know me?”
She replies, “I may be mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children.”
His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful.
“Holy crap,” he says, “are you that stripper from my bachelor party that I did on the pool table in front of all my friends while your girlfriend whipped me with some wet celery while licking whipped cream off my behind?”
“No,” she replies, “I’m your son’s English Teacher.”
Posted By: SP Daily

Re: Balderdash - 09/20/05 03:35 PM

Two guys recently dead were given the option to stay either in Heaven or Hell for the rest of their eternity. They asked if it was OK to look around first, and to their surprise, it was.

First, they went to Heaven. All nice-guys were there, dressed in white they sat on clouds playing harp. Quite a boring place, thought our heroes.

"Let's go to Hell," they said to each other.

Hell turned out to be a completely different scene. It was all bars, casino and amusement parks. Free drinks for everyone and a lot of people having a real good time.

Back from Hell, the guys where asked to chose between Heaven and Hell. They both chose Hell.

Back in Hell, they were immediately scuffled in the back of a sub-surface car and driven to a coal mine. Someone gave them a shovel each and told them to start working.

"What's this? The last time we were here the place was entirely different."

"Yes, but then you were tourists, now you are immigrants."
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Balderdash - 09/22/05 05:24 PM

Just minutes before the church services started the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat
calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God’s ultimate enemy was in his presence.
Satan walked up to the old man and said, “Don't you know who I am?”
The man replied, “Yep, sure do.”
“Aren't you afraid of me?” Satan asked.
“Nope, sure ain’t” said the man.
“Don’t you realize I can kill you with a word?” asked Satan.
“Don't doubt it for a minute,” returned the old man in an even tone.
“Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical agony forever?”
“Yep,” was the calm reply.
“And you’re still not afraid?” asked Satan.
“Nope.”
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, “Well, why aren’t you afraid of me?”
The man calmly replied, “Been married to your sister for 45 years.”
Posted By: SP Daily

Re: Balderdash - 09/23/05 03:08 AM

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat.
> > > >
> > > > As he settled in he glanced up and saw the
> > > >
> > > > most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He
> > > >
> > > > soon realized that she was heading straight
> > > >
> > > > towards his seat. As fate would have it, she
> > > >
> > > > took the seat right beside his.
> > > >
> > > > Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out
> > > >
> > > > "Business trip or pleasure?" She turned, smiled
> > > >
> > > > and said, "Business, I'm going to the Annual
> > > >
> > > > Nymphomaniacs of America Convention"
> > > >
> > > > He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous
> > > >
> > > > woman he had ever seen sitting next to him and
> > > >
> > > > she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!
> > > >
> > > > Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly
> > > >
> > > > asked, "What's your business role at the convention?"
> > > >
> > > > "Lecture," she responded. "I am the lead lecturer
> > > >
> > > > where I use information that I have learned from
> > > >
> > > > my own personal experiences to debunk some
> > > >
> > > > of the popular myths about sexuality."
> > > >
> > > > "Really," he said, "and what kinds of myths are
> > > >
> > > > there?"
> > > >
> > > > "Well , she explained, "one popular myth is that
> > > >
> > > > African-American men are the most well-endowed
> > > >
> > > > of all men, when in fact it is the Native American
> > > >
> > > > Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
> > > >
> > > > Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the
> > > >
> > > > best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish
> > > >
> > > > descent that are the best. I have also discovered
> > > >
> > > > that the lover with the absolutely best stamina is
> > > >
> > > > the Southern Redneck."
> > > >
> > > > Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable
> > > >
> > > > and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really
> > > >
> > > > be discussing all this with you, since I don't even
> > > >
> > > > know your name."
> > > >
> > > > "Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my
> > > >
> > > > friends call me Bubba."
> > >
Posted By: SP Daily

Re: Balderdash - 09/28/05 02:41 PM

From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the
shopping while he fixed the car in the lot.
The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants
turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place.
On regaining her feet, she l! ooked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by. The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.
Posted By: Pugs Hate the Sun

Re: Balderdash - 10/07/05 07:59 PM

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that read $50.00.
"Why so little," she asked the pet store owner.
The owner said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution and sometimes says some pretty vulgar stuff."
The woman thought about this but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.
The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said; "New house, new madam."
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication but then thought, "That's not so bad."
When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw them and said; "New house, new madam, new hookers."
The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation.
Moments later, the woman's husband, Keith, came home from work. The bird looked at him and said; "Hi Keith."
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Balderdash - 10/08/05 12:01 AM

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."
"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"
His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion,
nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.
Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"
Posted By: SP Daily

Re: Balderdash - 10/08/05 04:27 PM

There was a man who traveled all around the world.
Every city he stopped in he would buy something for his mother and send it to her.
On one such stop he found a parrot that spoke thirty different
languages. He immediately bought it and sent it home to his mother.
A few days later he calls his mother. "Did you like the parrot?" he asked her.
"Oh yes," she replied. "It was delicious."
"WHAT!" the man cried. "You ate it! That parrot wasn't for you to eat!
It spoke thirty languages!"
The mother paused for a moment and then said, "So why didn't he say something?"
Posted By: NYgal

Re: Balderdash - 10/12/05 02:24 AM

A big-shot attorney had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his staff. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.

The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature."
After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.

"No, I'm sorry," the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer."
This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind.

After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"

She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door, laughing.

After a half hour, the man's doctor comes into the room.
"What's going on here?" asked the doctor.
Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"

After a pause, the doctor confesses, "Not with a carnation."

smile
Posted By: MALIBU

Re: Balderdash - 10/19/05 07:25 PM

Pedro is driving down the street in a sweat because he has an important meeting and can't find a parking place.
Looking toward heaven, he says, "Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I'll go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of my life.
I'll help Maria cook all the meals. I'll give our children their baths and start putting them to bed myself. I'll do all the washing and
ironing..... and I'll even give up tequila!"

Almost instantly, a parking place appears.
Pedro looks up again.
"Never mind," he says, "I found one."
:p
Posted By: SP Daily

Re: Balderdash - 10/23/05 02:59 AM

A man was stopped by a game warden in Northern Minnesota recently with two buckets of fish leaving a lake well known for its fishing. The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"

The man replied to the game warden, "No, sir. These are my pet fish."

"Pet fish?!" the warden replied.

"Yes, sir. Every night I take these fish down to the lake and let them swim around for a while. I whistle and they jump back into their buckets, and I take em home."

"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!"

The man looked at the game warden for a moment, and then said, "Here, I'll show you. It really works."

"O.K. I've GOT to see this!" the game warden replied.

The man poured the fish in to the water and stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to the man and said, "Well?"

"Well, what?" the man asked.

"When are you going to call them back?" the game warden prompted.

"Call who back?" the man asked.

"The FISH."

"What fish?" the man asked.
Posted By: MALIBU

Re: Balderdash - 10/24/05 02:46 PM

Hahahahaa!!!!
Posted By: SP Daily

Re: Balderdash - 10/27/05 02:56 PM

A census taker in a rural area went up to a Tennessee farmhouse and knocked.
When a woman came to the door, he asked her how many children she had and their ages.

She said, "Les' see now, there's the twins, Sally and Billy, they're thirty two.
And the twins, Seth & Beth, they're twenty six.
And the twins, Penny and Jenny, they're twenty four ... "

"Hold on!" said the census taker, "Did you get twins EVERY time?"

The woman answered,
"Heck no, there were hundreds of
times we didn't get nothin'."
Posted By: Loansum-Al K

Re: Balderdash - 10/27/05 05:13 PM

I am looking at these 2 pictures side by side and cannot tell the difference. There is suppose to be 3 things that are different in this pic. Help please!
http://members.home.nl/saen/Special/Zoeken.swf
Posted By: SP Daily

Re: Balderdash - 10/28/05 05:08 PM

It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time. This little test should get you started.

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director which is the criteria that defines a patient to be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub. We offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient, and ask the patient to empty the bathtub."

OK, here's your test: (Those with an abnormal tendency will scroll to the bottom to get the answer before taking the test.)

1. Would you use the spoon?

2. Would you use the teacup?

3. Would you use the bucket?

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would choose the bucket as it is larger than the spoon."

"No," answered the Director. "A normal person would pull the plug."
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Balderdash - 10/28/05 09:55 PM

[Linked Image]


HAPPY HALLOWEEN WEEKEND EVERYONE!
Posted By: SP Daily

Re: Balderdash - 11/05/05 12:38 AM

On a train from London to Manchester, an American was berating the
Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment. "You English
are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. You think your
stiff upper lips make your above the rest of us. Look at me...I'm me,
I have Italian blood, French blood, a little Indian blood, and some
Swedish blood. What do you say to that?" So the Englishman replied,
"Very sporting of your mother."
Posted By: SP Daily

Re: Balderdash - 11/05/05 09:08 PM

Three friends from the local congregation were asked
"When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are
mourning over you, what would you like them to say? "
Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband,
a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."
Eugene commented: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher
and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."
Don said: "I'd like them to say, "Look, he's moving!"
Posted By: MALIBU

Re: Balderdash - 11/07/05 07:33 PM

How Is a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?

Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer!
Posted By: SP Daily

Re: Balderdash - 11/10/05 07:32 PM

THE BLOND AND THE LORD

A blond wanted to go ice fishing.
She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the ice.

After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to
make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed,

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

Startled, the blond moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again from the heavens the voice bellowed,

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

The blond, now worried, moved away, clear down to
the opposite end of the ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut her hole.

The voice came once more,
"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

She stopped, looked skyward, and said,
"IS THAT YOU LORD?"

The voice replied,

"NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE HOCKEY RINK."
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Balderdash - 11/10/05 09:46 PM

A husband was in big trouble when he forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife told him, "Tomorrow there better be something in the driveway for me that goes zero to 200 in 2 seconds flat." The next morning the wife found a small package in the driveway. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Funeral arrangements for the husband have been set for Saturday.
Posted By: SP Daily

Re: Balderdash - 11/11/05 06:50 PM

Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin?

Why can't women put on mascara with their mouths closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a 'broker'?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why didn't Noah swat those two darn mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needles used in lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Posted By: NYgal

Re: Balderdash - 11/13/05 04:40 AM

OMG Jesse, that is so funny. I loved Noah and the swatting of those two mosquitos...along with a bunch of others... laugh laugh
Posted By: Denny Shane

Re: Balderdash - 11/13/05 12:27 PM

This bloke gets on a bus and sees a nun he rather fancies. Something to do with the black stockings maybe. Anyhow, he knows that if you don't ask you don't get, so he turns to her and says: "Sister, will you have sex with me?"

"Oh no," she says, shocked, "I can't possibly do that. I'm married to God."

Well, he's disappointed, but he sees her point, so he thinks that's that. But when he gets off the bus, the bus driver stops him - "Hey," he whispers, "I know how you can get to have sex with her!" "You do?" the guy says, "quick, tell me!"

"Every Saturday night she goes to the cemetery to pray, and all you have to do is lie on one of the tombstones dressed in white robe with a false beard, tell her you're God, and she'll have sex with you!"

Well, he's skeptical, but why not? So Saturday night sees him in the cemetery. Sure enough, the nun comes in and begins to pray. "I am God," the man declares, keeping his hood low about his face, "and you must have sex with me." The nun agrees without question, but begs him to restrict himself to anal sex, as she is desperate not to lose her virginity. Well, he's pretty desperate too, so he goes along with it and enjoys his romp with her. As he finishes, he jumps up and throws back his hood with a flourish. "Ha-ha," he cries, "Guess what?, I'm not God, I'm the man in the bus!"

"Ha-ha," cries the nun, "Guess what? I'm the bus driver!
Posted By: Pugs Hate the Sun

Re: Balderdash - 11/13/05 06:52 PM

This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas, but there are more Catholic churches there than casinos.

Not surprisingly, some worshippers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed.

Since they get chips from so many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the offerings.

The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan Monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in.

This is done by the chip monks.
Posted By: Denny Shane

Re: Balderdash - 11/14/05 01:15 PM

A man was stopped by a game warden in Northern Minnesota recently with two buckets of fish leaving a lake well known for its fishing. The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"

The man replied to the game warden, "No, sir. These are my pet fish."

"Pet fish?!" the warden replied.

"Yes, sir. Every night I take these fish down to the lake and let them swim around for a while. I whistle and they jump back into their buckets, and I take ‘em home."

"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!"

The man looked at the game warden for a moment, and then said, "Here, I'll show you. It really works."

"O.K. I've GOT to see this!" the game warden agreed.

The man poured the fish in to the water and stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to the man and said, "Well?"

"Well, what?" the man asked.

"When are you going to call them back?" the game warden prompted.

"Call who back?" the man asked.

"The FISH."

"What fish?" the man asked.
Posted By: SP Daily

Re: Balderdash - 11/14/05 06:40 PM

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Detroit
Lions. The only thing missing was a good quarterback. He
had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and
European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could
ensure a Super Bowl victory.

Then one night, while watching CNN, he saw a war-zone scene
in northern Iraq. In one corner of the background, he spotted
a young Assyrian Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm.
He threw a hand-grenade straight into a window from 80 yards
away. Then he threw another from 50 yards down a chimney, and
then hit a passing car going 80 miles per hour.

"I've got to get this guy!" coach said to himself." He has
the perfect arm!"

So, he brings the young Afghan to the States and teaches him
the great game of football...and sure enough the Lions go on
to win the Super Bowl. The young Assyrian is hailed as a hero
of football and when the coach asks him what he wants, all
the young man wants to do is call his mother.

"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

"I don't want to talk to you," the old Muslim woman says.
"You deserted us. You are not my son!"

"Mother, I don't think you understand," pleads the son, "I've
just won the greatest sporting event in the world!"

"No! let me tell you," his mother retorts. "At this very moment
there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of
rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their
lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so
she doesn't get raped!"

The old lady pauses then tearfully says, " I will never for-
give you for making us move to Detroit!"
Posted By: NYgal

Re: Balderdash - 11/17/05 01:25 PM

WE NEED MORE GRANDMOTHERS IN COURT!!!

Why Lawyers should never ask a witness a question if they aren't
prepared for the answer.......

In a trial, a Southern small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand ... a grand motherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you
since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The Lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across
the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women, one of them was your wife. Yes, I know him." The defense attorney almost died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench, and in a very
quiet voice, said: "If either of you bastards asks her if she knows me,
I'll throw your sorry asses in jail for contempt."
Posted By: Pugs Hate the Sun

Re: Balderdash - 11/18/05 06:05 AM

The Canada Transport Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with auto makers for the past five years, whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in all the vehicles in an effort to determine, in fatal accident the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.

They were surprised to find in almost all areas of Canada the last words of 61.2 % of fatal crashes were"Oh [#%!]".

Only in Saskatchewan was it different, where 89.3% of the final words were "Hold my beer and watch this!”
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Balderdash - 11/18/05 10:29 PM

HUSBAND WANTED
A lonely spinster, age 70, decided it was time to get married. She put an ad in the paper that read: HUSBAND WANTED
MUST BE MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME
AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON
On the second day, she heard the doorbell. She opened the door and, much to her dismay, saw a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a wheel chair. He had no arms or legs. The woman said, "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you .... you have no legs." The old man smiled, "Therefore I cannot run around on you!" She snorted. "You don't have any hands, either!" Again the old man smiled, "Nor can I beat you!" She raised an eyebrow and gazed intently. "Are you still good in bed?" With that, the old gentleman beamed a broad smile and said, “I rang the doorbell, didn't I?”
Posted By: SP Daily

Re: Balderdash - 11/22/05 05:18 PM

Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back...or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....
FIRST TESTIMONY: I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word... he knew better.
SECOND TESTIMONY: I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by One of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."
THIRD TESTIMONY: My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts.." My sister started to laugh hysterically. The boy grinned... and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my Sister has never let me forget.
FOURTH TESTIMONY: While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.
FIFTH TESTIMONY: Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No". I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled, "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!
LAST TESTIMONY: This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any.... a true story. We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!
Posted By: NYgal

Re: Balderdash - 11/23/05 02:48 AM

OMG....what a hoot that one is smile
Posted By: Pugs Hate the Sun

Re: Balderdash - 11/28/05 06:10 AM

On a tour of Florida, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the
coast for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the beach in the
pope mobile when there was a frantic commotion just off shore.
A helpless man, wearing a Montreal Canadiens jersey, was struggling
frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 22-foot shark. As the
Pope watched, horrified, a speedboat came racing up with three men wearing
Toronto Maple Leaf jerseys aboard. One quickly fired the harpoon into
the shark's side. The other two reached out and pulled the bleeding,
semiconscious Habs fan from the water. Then using baseball bats, the
three heroes in blue and white beat the shark to death and hauled it into
the boat, too.
Immediately, the Pope shouted and summoned them to the beach. "I give
you my blessing for your brave actions," he told them, "I heard that there
was some bitter hatred between Leaf and Habs fans, but now I have seen
with my own eyes that this is not the truth."
As the Pope drove off, the harpooner asked his buddies, "Who was that?"
"It was the Pope," one replied. "He is in direct contact with God and has
access to all of God's wisdom."
"Well," the harpooner said, "he may have access to God's wisdom, but
he doesn't know much about shark fishing..... How's the bait holding up?"
Posted By: SP Daily

Re: Balderdash - 12/01/05 06:11 PM

It's Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right at center ice. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there.
"No," says the neighbor. "The seat is empty." "This is incredible", said the man.
"Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for final game of the Stanley Cup playoffs and not use it?"
The neighbor says "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Stanley Cup we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967."
"Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?"
The man shakes his head "No. They're all at the funeral."
Posted By: NYgal

Re: Balderdash - 12/02/05 02:18 PM

Oh Lordy Lordy...... laugh laugh
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Balderdash - 12/07/05 01:15 AM

HER DIARY

Friday night I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friend all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment. Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong he said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry.
On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior; I don't know why he didn't say I love you too.
When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched TV. He seemed distant and absent. Finally I decided to go to bed, about 10 minutes later he came to bed and, to my surprise, he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else. I decided that I could not take it anymore, so I decided to confront him with the situation, but he had fallen asleep. I started crying and cried until I too fell asleep. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster!

HIS DIARY

Played a horrible game of golf today!
Shot a 90 - can't putt for shit.
Got laid though.
Posted By: GAY AND DAVID

Re: Balderdash - 12/07/05 05:54 PM

4 STAGES OF SANTA CLAUS

1. YOU BELIEVE IN SANTA
2. YOU DON'T BELIEVE IN SANTA
3. YOU ARE SANTA
4. YOU LOOK LIKE SANTA
Posted By: SP Daily

Re: Balderdash - 12/16/05 03:54 AM

John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business.
He had several hundred young layers (hens), called pullets
and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilize
the eggs.

The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't
perform went into the soup pot and was replaced.
That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set
of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.
Each bell had a different tone so John could tell
from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could
sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report
simply by listening to the bells.

The farmer's favourite rooster was old Butch, a very
fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning
John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!

John went to investigate. The other roosters were
chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing
the roosters coming , would run for cover.
But to Farmer John's amazement, Butch had his bell in
his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet,
do his job and walk on to the next one.

John was so proud of Butch, he entered him in the
county fair and Butch became an overnight sensation among the
judges. The result...The judges not only awarded Butch the
"No Bell Piece Prize" but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as
well.

Clearly Butch was a politician in the making. Who
else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the
most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the
best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them
when they weren't paying attention?
Posted By: Now Danny

Re: Balderdash - 12/16/05 11:14 AM

Good one. :rolleyes:
Posted By: SP Daily

Re: Balderdash - 12/19/05 01:45 PM

Every Friday afternoon, a mathematician goes down to the
bar, sits in the second-to-last seat, turns to the last seat,
which is empty, and asks a girl who isn't there if he can
buy her a drink.

The bartender, who is used to weird university types, always
shrugs but keeps quiet. But when Valentine's Day arrives,
and the mathematician makes a particularly heart-wrenching
plea into empty space, curiosity gets the better of the
bartender, and he says, "I apologize for my stupid questions,
but surely you know there is NEVER a woman sitting in
that last stool. Why do you persist in asking out empty
space?"

The mathematician replies, "Well, according to quantum
physics, empty space is never truly empty. Virtual particles
come into existence and vanish all the time. You never know
when the proper wave function will collapse and a girl might
suddenly appear there."

The bartender raises his eyebrows. "Really? Interesting. But
couldn't you just ask one of the girls who comes here every
Friday if you could buy HER a drink? Never know --she might
say yes."

The mathematician laughs. "Yeah, right -- how likely
is THAT to happen?"
Posted By: denverdan

Re: Balderdash - 12/29/05 02:28 AM

What dating was like in 1957??

It's the summer of 1957 and Harold goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Harold's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a duck tail hairdo. When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue's
mother answers and invites him in. "Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?"

Peggy Sue's mother asks Harold what they're planning to do. Harold replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie.

Peggy Sue's mother responds, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it."

Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Harold and he says, "Whaaaat?"
"Yeah," says Peggy Sue's mother, "We know Peggy Sue really likes to screw; why, she'd screw all night if we let her!"

Harold's eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear. Immediately, he has revised the plans for the evening.

A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes, and announces that she's ready
to go.

Almost breathless with anticipation, Harold escorts his date out the front door while Mom is saying, "Have a good evening kids," with a small wink for Harold.

About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her mother: "Dammit, Mom!
It's the Twist! It's called The Twist!"
Posted By: klcman

Re: Balderdash - 01/04/06 03:31 AM

Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely.

So, GOD asked him, "What's wrong with you?"

Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.

GOD said that HE was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.

GOD said, "This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will praise you!"

GOD continued, "She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. "She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it."

Adam asked GOD, "What will a woman like this cost?"

GOD replied, "An arm and a leg."

Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"

Of course the rest is history......................
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Balderdash - 01/09/06 05:22 PM

Ten Peeves that Dogs Have About Humans

1. Blaming your farts on me... not funny... not funny at all !!!
2. Yelling at me for barking.. I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG, YOU IDIOT!
3. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway?
4. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose... stop it!
5. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.
6. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! Whoooo Hoooo what a proud moment for the top of the food chain.
7. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip", then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back!
8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet.
9. Dog sweaters. Hello ???, That’s what the fur is for!
10. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth, you're just jealous.
Now lay off me on some of these things. We both know who’s boss here!!! You don’t see me picking up your poop do you ???
Posted By: mimi

Re: Balderdash - 01/18/06 04:55 PM

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult, four hour
surgical procedure. A young, beautiful, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again. "Nurse, are my testicles black?" Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around. Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with your testicles, Sir!!" The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very
closely...... "A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?"
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Balderdash - 01/21/06 12:17 AM

Eight Words with two Meanings

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female....... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female... The open & sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male..... Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male...... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Balderdash - 01/28/06 05:06 PM

After numerous rounds of "We don't know if Osama is still alive", Osama himself decided to send Ted Kennedy a letter in his own handwriting to let himknow he was still alive and in the game.

370HSSV-0773H

Kennedy was baffled, so he mailed it to John Kerry. Kerry and his aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI. No one could solve it at the FBI so it went to the CIA, then to the NSA.

With no clue as to its meaning, the FBI finally asked Britain's MI-6 for help. Within a minute MI-6 cabled back with this reply:
"Tell the FBI that Kennedy's holding the message upside down"! smile
Posted By: clover

Re: Balderdash - 01/28/06 05:08 PM

Actually that message was for George Bush everyone knows he can't read!...nice try rykat
Posted By: Sun&sand

Re: Balderdash - 01/29/06 01:20 AM

One way of looking at how our brains handle alcohol...

A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakness members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
Posted By: ckocian

Re: Balderdash - 01/30/06 08:55 PM

Dear Friends,
>
>My wife is fond of saying that my last words on this earth will be
>something akin to "Well, I have out done myself once again." No doubt
>you will see this true story chronicled in a Life Time movie in the near
>future.
>
>Here goes.
>Last weekend I spied something at the pawn shop that tickled my fancy.
>(Note: Keep in mind that my "fancy" is easily tickled.) I bought
>something really cool for my wife. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary
>and I was looking for a little something extra for my sweet girl.
>
>What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer gun with
>a clip. For those of you who are not familiar with this product, it is a
>less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs designed to incapacitate
>an assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low amperage electricity
>while you
>flee to safety. The effects are supposed to be short lived, with no
>long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but allowing you adequate
>time to retreat to safety. You simply jab the prongs into your 250 lb
>tattooed assailant, push the button, and it will render him a
>slobbering, goggle-eyed, muscle-twitching, whimpering, pencil-neck geek.
>If you've
>never seen one of these things in action, then you're truly missing out
>-
>way too cool!
>
>Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two
>AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was so
>disappointed. Upon reading the directions (we don't need no stinkin'
>directions), I found much to my chagrin that this particular model would
>not create an arch between the prongs. How disappointing! I do love fire
>for effect. I learned that if I pushed the button, however, and pressed
>it against a metal surface that I'd get the blue arch of electricity
>darting back and forth between the prongs that I was so looking forward
>to. I did so Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arch of electricity, and a loud
>pop!!! Yipeeeeee. I'm easily amused, just for your information, but I
>have yet to explain to her what that burn spot is on the face of her
>microwave.
>
>Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
>couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, etc., etc.
>There I sat in my recliner, my dog looking on intently (trusting little
>soul), reading the directions (that would be me, not the dog) and
>thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood
>target. I must admit I thought about zapping the dog for a fraction of a
>second and thought better of it. She is such a sweet pup, after all.
>But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself
>against a mugger, I
>did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
>Was I wrong to think that? Seemed reasonable to me at the time.
>
>So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
>glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one
>hand, Tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst
>would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was
>supposed to cause muscle
>spasms and a loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would
>purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of
>water.
>
>All the while I'm looking at this little device (measuring about 5"
>long, less than ¾ inch in circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded
>with two itsy bitsy AAA batteries) thinking to myself, "no friggin'
>way!" Friggin' way - trust me, but I'm getting ahead of myself. What
>happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.
>
>Those of you who know me well have got a pretty good idea of what
>followed I'm sitting there alone, the dog looking on with her head
>cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it buddy," reasoning that a
>one-second burst from such a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that
>bad. (Sound, rational thinking under the circumstances, wouldn't you
>agree?)
>
>I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the hell of it.
>(Note: You know, a bad decision is like hindsight--always twenty-twenty.
>It is so obvious that it was a bad decision after the fact, even though
>it seemed so right at the time. Don't ya hate that?)
>
>I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY
>*********!!!! I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through the
>front door, picked me up out of that recliner, then body slammed me on
>the carpet over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in
>the fetal position, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found,
>soaking wet,
>With my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position. The dog
>was standing over me making sounds I had never heard before, licking my
>face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"
>(Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer, one note
>of caution. There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap
>yourself.
>You're not going to let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your
>hand by violent thrashing about on the floor. Then, if you're lucky, you
>won't dislodge one of the prongs ¼" deep in your thigh like yours
>truly.)
>
>SON-OF-A-BISQUIT-EATER that hurt! A minute or so later (I can't be sure,
>as time was a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits (what
>little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My reading
>glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get there???
>My triceps, right thigh and both titties were still twitching. My face
>felt like it had
>been shot up with Novocain, as my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. give or
>take an ounce or two, I'm pretty sure. By the way, has anyone seen my
>testicles? I think they ran away. I'm offering a reward. They're round,
>rather large. Miss 'em ......sure would like to get 'em back.
Posted By: klcman

Re: Balderdash - 02/01/06 12:52 AM

A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing
only underwear made of Saran Wrap.

The psychiatrist says, "Well...I can clearly see
you're nuts."
Posted By: papashine

Re: Balderdash - 04/02/06 09:58 PM

ckocian that has to be the funniest story I have ever read..you are the winner!!!!
Posted By: Ernie B

Re: Balderdash - 04/02/06 11:16 PM

SALUTE ! That is funny. Reminds me of the time I .................
Posted By: reaper

Re: Balderdash - 04/03/06 01:37 AM

papashine lives!!! laugh
Posted By: GAY AND DAVID

Re: Balderdash - 04/03/06 04:39 PM

On Wednesday , at two minutes and three seconds after 1:00
in the morning, the time and date will be 01:02:03 04/05/06.

That won't ever happen again.

You may now return to your (normal ?) life.
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Balderdash - 04/04/06 04:31 AM

Won't it happen again on Wednesday, at two minutes and three seconds after 1:00
in the afternoon?
Posted By: clover

Re: Balderdash - 04/05/06 03:12 PM

Two boys are playing football at this park in a small town in Texas
when one of the boys is suddenly attacked by a crazed Rottweiler.
Thinking quickly, the other boy takes a stick and shoves it under the
dog's
collar, twists it, and breaks the dog's neck, thus saving the life of
his
friend.
A local sports reporter who was strolling by sees the incident and
rushes over to interview the boy. He tells the boy he's going to write
the story and says, "I'll title it "Young Longhorn Fan Saves Friend
From
Vicious Animal.'"
But I'm not a Longhorn fan," the little hero replies.
Sorry, since we're in Texas, I just assumed you were," says the
reporter
and he starts writing again. He asks " How does "Aggie Fan Rescues
Friend From Horrific Attack sound?"
"I'm not an Aggie fan either," the boy says. Oh, I thought everyone in
Texas was either for the Aggies or the Longhorns.
What team do you root for?" the reporter asks.
"I'm just visiting my cousin, I'm an Arkansas Razorback fan," the boy
replies. "They're just the best!"
The reporter smiles, starts a new sheet in his notebook, and writes:
"Little Redneck Bastard From Arkansas Kills Beloved Family Pet.
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