AmbergrisCaye.com Home

NEW BALDERDASH

Posted By: GAY AND DAVID

NEW BALDERDASH - 04/03/06 04:47 PM

3 Old Ladies from Florida


This is a detective story
So Pay Close Attention!!!

Three elderly ladies are excited about seeing their first baseball game...
They smuggle a bottle of into the ball park...

The game is real exciting



and they are enjoying themselves immensely...

mixing the Jack Daniel's with soft drinks...


Soon they realize that the bottle is almost gone and the game has a lot of innings to go.


Based on the given information, what inning is it and how many players are on base?

Think!


Think some more!!


You're gonna love it.


Answer:


It's the bottom of the fifth and the bags are loaded!
Posted By: MALIBU

Re: NEW BALDERDASH - 04/03/06 06:21 PM

What is the difference between
a Harley and a Hoover ?
The position of the dirt bag


What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.


Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.
Posted By: sweetjane

Re: NEW BALDERDASH - 04/04/06 06:51 PM

thanks, gals. i needed the laugh!
Posted By: Danl & the Boop

Re: NEW BALDERDASH - 04/04/06 07:40 PM

OK now; frown confused

What's the difference between a duck????


??


??


One of it's legs are both the same!! eek
Posted By: HavinFun

Re: NEW BALDERDASH - 04/04/06 08:44 PM

Nuns at a ballgame

Sitting behind a couple of nuns at a baseball game (whose head gear partially blocked the view), three men decided to badger the nuns in an effort to get them to move.
In a very loud voice, the first guy said, "I think I'm going to move to Utah, there are only 100 nuns living there".
The second guy spoke up and said "I want to go to Montana, there are only 50 nuns living there".
The third guy said, "I want to go to Idaho, there are only 25 nuns living there".
One of the nuns turned around, looked at the men, and in a very sweet, calm, voice said,
"Why don't you go to hell ... there aren't any nuns there".
Posted By: GAY AND DAVID

Re: NEW BALDERDASH - 04/05/06 07:32 PM

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week. Larry LaPrise, the man that wrote "The Hokey Pokey" died peacefully at the age of 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.

(Shut up. You know it's funny.)
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: NEW BALDERDASH - 04/05/06 09:22 PM

Those aging 93-year- olds:
Aging Aunt Mildred was a 93 year old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl.

She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place. Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where her heart would be.
"On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be just below your left breast."
Later that night, Aunt Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.
Posted By: reefrider

Re: NEW BALDERDASH - 04/06/06 12:27 AM

gay and law

both of those 93 year old jokes are hilarious, I got a very good laugh from them.

thanks, Marc
Posted By: Danl & the Boop

Re: NEW BALDERDASH - 04/06/06 02:45 AM

My old granny was 93 before she used glasses!

confused

confused

She allways drank out of the bottle!

laugh laugh mad
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: NEW BALDERDASH - 04/07/06 06:03 PM

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.

"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!?!?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered. "Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!" Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post.

He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go... what'd you have to do in Texas?" The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."
Posted By: sweetjane

Re: NEW BALDERDASH - 04/07/06 07:01 PM

law, last post was well written with impeccable spelling and grammar but i have to say to the content; "groan!"

the other, and gay's; ok, i admit it - i laughed out loud. thanks girls! keep 'em coming!
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: NEW BALDERDASH - 04/07/06 08:24 PM

Hi SJ!
Well, good to know the spell check worked out!
And hey, sometimes ya just need a good groan!

Happy weekend to you - kids and all! We'll have a glass or six in your honor! laugh
Posted By: MALIBU

Re: NEW BALDERDASH - 04/07/06 09:46 PM

Oh my those 93 year olds! I LOL on that one!
Posted By: scubawalk

Re: NEW BALDERDASH - 04/07/06 10:39 PM

It was the first day of school and a new student named Pedro
Martinez, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history."
"Who said 'Give me liberty, or give me death?'" She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Pedro, who had his hand up.

"Patrick Henry, 1775."

"Very good!" apprised the teacher. "Now, who said, "Government of the
people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth?"

Again, no response except from Pedro: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed! Pedro,
who is new to our country, knows more about our history than you do!"

She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans!" "Who said that?" she demanded.

Pedro put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke." The teacher glared and asked, "All right! Now, who said that?"

Again, Pedro answered, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yelled, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"

Pedro jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the
teacher, "Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now, with almost a mob hysteria, teacher said, "You little shit. If you
say anything else, I'll kill you!" Pedro frantically yelled at the top
of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001."

The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the floor,
someone said, "Oh shit, we're in BIG trouble now!"

Pedro whispered, "Saddam Hussein, 2003."

Finally someone threw an eraser at Pedro and someone else shouted, "Duck"!

The teacher, just waking, asked, "Who said that?"

Pedro: "Dick Cheney, 2006!"
Posted By: klcman

Re: NEW BALDERDASH - 04/10/06 03:01 AM

Why Women Over 40 Are Wonderful

by Andy Rooney from CBS "60 Minutes"

"As I grow in age, I value women who are over 40 most of all. Here are just a
few reasons why:

A woman over 40 will never wake you in the middle of the night to ask, "What
are you thinking?" She doesn't care what you think. If a woman over 40
doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She
does something she wants to do. And, it's usually something more
interesting.

A woman over 40 knows herself well enough to be assured in who she is, what
she is, what she wants and from whom. Few women past the age of 40 give a
hoot what you might think about her or what she's doing.

Women over 40 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at
the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you
deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you, if they think they can get
away with it.

Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's
like to be unappreciated.

A woman over 40 has the self-assurance to introduce you to her women
friends. A younger woman with a man will often ignore even her best friend
because she doesn't trust the guy with other women. Women over 40 couldn't
care less if you're attracted to her friends because she knows her friends
won't betray her.

Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a
woman over 40. They always know.

A woman over 40 looks good wearing bright red lipstick. This is not true of
younger women. Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 40 is far
sexier than her younger counterpart. Older women are forthright and honest.
They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk, if you are acting like one!
You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.

Yes, we praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's
not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed hot woman of 40+,
there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with
some 22-year-old waitress.

Ladies, I apologize.

For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for
free", here's an update for you. Now 80% of women are against marriage, why?
Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig, just to get a
little sausage"
Posted By: Nova

Re: NEW BALDERDASH - 04/10/06 02:59 PM

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained:

"Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"

The old man replied, "Yep. None of us could get the jar open".
Posted By: MALIBU

Re: NEW BALDERDASH - 04/10/06 04:11 PM

Have you ever wondered where the phrase, "You gotta be shittin' me!" came
from?
Well, it just so happens to have originated through the Father of our
Country. Way back when, George Washington was crossing the Delaware River
with his troops. There were 33 (remember this number) in Washington's boat.
It was extremely dark and storming furiously and the water was tossing them
about.
Finally, Washington grabbed Corporal Peters (remember this name) and
stationed him at the front of the boat with a lantern. He ordered him to
keep swinging it, so they could see where they were heading. Corporal
Peters, through driving rain and cold, continued swinging the lantern back
and forth, back and forth. Then a big gust of wind and a wave hit and threw
Corporal Peters and his lantern into the Delaware.
Washington and his troops searched for nearly an hour trying to find
Corporal Peters, but to no avail. All of them felt terrible, for the
Corporal had been one of their favorites.
Sometime later, Washington and his troops landed on the other side, wet and
totally exhausted. He rallied the troops and told them that they must go on.
Another hour later, one of his men said, "General, I see lights ahead." They
trudged toward the lights and came upon a huge house. What they didn't know,
was that this was a house of ill repute hidden in the forest to serve all
who came.
General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him.
The door swung open, and much to his surprise stood a beautiful woman.
A huge smile came across her face, to see so many men standing there.
Washington was the first to speak, "Madam, I am General George Washington
and these are my men. We are tired, wet, exhausted, and desperately need
warmth and comfort."
Again, the Madam looked at all the men standing there, and with a broad
smile on her face, said,
"Well, General, you have come to the right place. We can surely give you
warmth and comfort. How many men do you have?"
Washington replied, " Well, madam, there are 32 of us without Peters."
And the Madam said, "You gotta be shittin' me!"
Posted By: ScubaLdy

Re: NEW BALDERDASH - 04/10/06 06:41 PM

Very good - thanks - I needed a laugh today.
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: NEW BALDERDASH - 04/10/06 09:53 PM

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..."
A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this sh#t..."
Posted By: travelqueen

Re: NEW BALDERDASH - 04/10/06 09:55 PM

Ha ha ha ha ha haha ha ha ha! Good one Law!
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: NEW BALDERDASH - 04/10/06 09:59 PM

Isn't it nice, after this weekend we have a couple of each! wink
Posted By: clover

Re: NEW BALDERDASH - 04/11/06 10:35 PM

Subject: hunting story

An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up. The
doctor asked him how he was feeling and the 80-year-old said "Things are
great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is
pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that?"



The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began. "I have
an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a
season.

One day when he was setting off hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and
accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. As he

neared a lake he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the
water's edge. He realized he'd left his gun at home and so couldn't

shoot the magnificent creature but out of habit he raised his cane,
aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and

went 'bang, bang'. Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell
over dead. Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.



The 80-year-old said, "If you ask me, I'd say somebody else pumped a
couple of rounds into that beaver."



>The doctor replied, "My point exactly".
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: NEW BALDERDASH - 04/12/06 03:37 AM

Is there a moral to this story?
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: NEW BALDERDASH - 04/12/06 03:50 AM

oh - sorta like waste not, want not?
Posted By: reaper

Re: NEW BALDERDASH - 04/12/06 03:51 AM

you're on a roll tonight clover!
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: NEW BALDERDASH - 04/12/06 03:52 AM

yeah, that's him alright - just like butter :rolleyes:
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: NEW BALDERDASH - 04/12/06 04:19 AM

Breakfast in bed! smile
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: NEW BALDERDASH - 04/12/06 04:33 AM

really? I don't think that's correct...
Posted By: klcman

Re: NEW BALDERDASH - 04/17/06 01:44 AM

KIDS & " THE SEA "

A number of primary schools were doing a project on "The Sea." Kids were asked to draw pictures or write about their experiences.

Teachers got together to compare the results and put together some of the 'better' ones.

1 This is a picture of an octopus It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6)

2. Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they
have to plug themselves to chargers. (Christopher age 7)

3. Oysters' balls are called pearls. (James age 6)


4. If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don't have sea all around you, you are incontinent. (Wayne age 7)

5. I think sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kyle age 6)

6. A dolphin breathes through an asshole on the top of its head. (Billy age 8)

7. When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans. (William age 7)

8. I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How do mermaids get pregnant? (Helen age 6)

9. When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy shrink. (Kevin age 6)
Posted By: deacon+

Re: NEW BALDERDASH - 04/17/06 01:52 AM

laugh laugh laugh
Posted By: GAY AND DAVID

Re: NEW BALDERDASH - 04/21/06 02:51 PM

I went into the gas station today and asked for five dollars worth of gas. The clerk farted and gave me a receipt.
laugh
Posted By: Sun&sand

Re: NEW BALDERDASH - 04/21/06 03:08 PM

OK, this will appeal mostly to the women of the board, but my hubby laughed out loud, and felt sorry for us women having to go through what we go through. Sorry if you think it's inappropriate, but it's hysterical and I wanted to share. CAUTION: Be prepared to laugh out loud...I laughed till I almost cried as I could just see this happening!

All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal - The epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax.

My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: "Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet." So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom.

It was one of those "cold wax" kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!)

So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ("Cold wax," yeah...right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works! OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am
She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.

With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I apply the one strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my *hoo-hoo* and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (Yes, it was a long strip) I inhale deeply and brace myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!!

I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!! Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip. CRAP!!! Another deep breath and RRIIPP!! Everything is swirly and spotted. I think I may pass out...must stay conscious...Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal.

I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in
the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip! There's no hair on it. Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???

Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I am touching wax.

CRAP! I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair.

Then I make the next BIG mistake...remember my foot is still propped up on the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down.

DANG!!!!!!!! I hear the slamming of a cell door. *hoo-hoo*? Sealed shut! Butt?? Sealed shut!

I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!" What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!!!

I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right??? WRONG!!!!!!!

I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.

Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub...in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.

So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cement-epoxied myself to the porcelain!!

God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!

I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter
-
"So, my butt and who-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!"

There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, "Are we talking cheeks or who-ha?"

She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box. YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night.

While we go through various solutions. I resort to scraping the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!

By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.

My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I
really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!!

The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend.

It's sooo painful, but I really don't care. "IT WORKS!! It works!!"

I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up.

I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair....THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!!!

So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts.

I could have amputated my own leg at this point.

Next week I'm going to try hair color...... Now thats funny ....... Notttttttttt
Posted By: dogmatic prevaricator

Re: NEW BALDERDASH - 04/21/06 03:41 PM

That's the shaggiest dog story I've ever heard.
Posted By: Sun&sand

Re: NEW BALDERDASH - 04/21/06 03:54 PM

But, Dog, did you laugh???
Posted By: dogmatic prevaricator

Re: NEW BALDERDASH - 04/21/06 04:06 PM

painfully funny, and I suppose quantifies, to some degree, the word trauma in your experience.
Posted By: GAY AND DAVID

Re: NEW BALDERDASH - 04/21/06 04:27 PM

been there, done that :rolleyes:
Posted By: Bobber

Re: NEW BALDERDASH - 04/21/06 04:30 PM

Can't remember where I got this, Oh well

Stun gun ....... ONLY A GUY WOULD DO THIS.



Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.



This was submitted by a guy who purchased his lovely wife a "pocket Taser" for their anniversary.



Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest.

The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife

Toni. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser

were suppose to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her

adequate time to retreat to safety.... WAY TOO COOL!



Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn

thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the

button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity

darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to

Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.



Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with

only two triple-a batteries,. right?!!!



There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading

the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it.

She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a

mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?



So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the

bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, taser in another. The directions said that a one-second

burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle

spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your

assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be

wasting the batteries.



All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference;

pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"



What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best..... I'm sitting there alone, Gracie

looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second

burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one-second

burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY

MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the

side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over

again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet,

both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest

position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard

before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"



Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing

as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from

your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative.



SON-OF-A-.. that hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that

point), collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses

were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples

were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.

I'm still looking for my testicles? I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.
Posted By: Sun&sand

Re: NEW BALDERDASH - 04/21/06 04:35 PM

Hysterical....I can see it happening, what a visual!!!!
Posted By: ScubaLdy

Re: NEW BALDERDASH - 04/21/06 04:36 PM

Sun - you are right. I laughed out loud so hard I inhaled a piece of breakfast stuck in a tooth. Between laughing and chocking I have tears in my eyes.
This reminds me of one of my fears; lotion hair remover. Since living on this island (menopause helped too) I no longer shave, just use lotion hair remover. I made myself move it out of the shower as I had this dread fear (I am going blind as well as deaf) that I would accidentally pick it up instead of shampoo. I do not think I would look good bald.
Posted By: PalapaBob

Re: NEW BALDERDASH - 04/21/06 07:33 PM

Lesser known "facts" from the Bible

These are purportedly actual responses on a Roman Catholic Elementary School Test
For some of them, knowing the actual Bible [mis]reference[s] and words including the "correct" spelling can help in appreciating the humor.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
The following statements about the Bible were written by children. They have not been retouched nor corrected. (i.e., incorrect spelling has been left in).


In the first book of the bible, Guinessis. God got tired of creating the world so he took the sabbath off.

Adam and Eve were created from an Apple tree. Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark and the animals came on in pears.

Lots wife was a pillar of salt during the day, but a ball of fire during the night.

The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic Genitals.

Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.

Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.

Moses led the Jews to the Red sea where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.

The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert, Afterwards, Moses went up to Mount Cyanide to get the ten ammendments.

The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.

The seventh Commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

Moses died before he ever reached Canada Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.

The greates miricle in the bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

David was a Hebrew king who was skilled at playing the liar. He fought the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in bibical times.

Solomon, one of Davids sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

When Mary heard she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.

When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager.

Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption,

St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head.

Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do unto others before they do one to you. He also explained, a man doth not live by sweat alone.

It was a miricle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.

The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels.

The epistels were the wives of the apostals.

One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.

St. Paul cavorted to Christianity, he preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marraige.

Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.
Posted By: deacon+

Re: NEW BALDERDASH - 04/21/06 08:03 PM

I used to play Santa Claus for a community center when I lived in Northern Ca. One evening a little boy asked me " is Jesus really your brother".
Posted By: PalapaBob

Re: NEW BALDERDASH - 04/25/06 05:04 PM

The gender of computers

Is your computer male or female?
As you are aware, ships have long been characterized as being female (e.g., "Steady as she goes", or "She's listing to starboard, Captain!") and hurricanes used to be given only feminine names.

Recently, a group of computer students (all males) announced that computers should also be referred to as being female. Their reasons for drawing this conclusion follow:

Five reasons to believe computers are female:

No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
The message "Bad command or file name" is about as informative as, "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you".
Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

However, another group of computer students (all female) think that computers should be referred to as if they were male. Their reasons follow:
Five reasons to believe computers are male:
They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
They are supposed to help you solve problems,but half the time they are the problem.
As soon as you commit to one you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have obtained a better model.
In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
Big power surges knock them out for the rest of the night
Posted By: San Pedro Daily

Re: NEW BALDERDASH - 04/25/06 08:40 PM

New Living Will Form



I, __________________________, being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means. Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of pinhead politicians who couldn't pass ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on it or lawyers/doctors interested in simply running up the bills. If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to ask for at least one of the following:

______a bloody mary

______a margarita

______a scotch and soda

______a martini

______a vodka and tonic

______a shot of tequila

______a cold beer

______a steak

______lobster or crab legs

______the remote control

______a bowl of ice cream

______the sports page

______chocolate

______sex

it should be presumed that I won't ever get better. When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my appointed person and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes and call it a day.



Signature: ___________________________

Date: _____________________
Posted By: San Pedro Daily

Re: NEW BALDERDASH - 04/25/06 11:23 PM

A man and his wife are awakened, at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. "Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife. "Just some drunken guy asking for a push," he answers. "Did you help him?" she asks. "No, I did not, it is 3 o'clock in the morning and it is pouring out there!" "Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember, about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself for turning him away!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?" "Yes" comes back the answer. "Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband. "Yes, please!" Comes the reply from the dark. "Where are you?" Asks the husband. "Over here on the swing!" Replies the drunk.
Posted By: deacon+

Re: NEW BALDERDASH - 04/25/06 11:26 PM

laugh laugh laugh laugh laugh
Posted By: GAY AND DAVID

Re: NEW BALDERDASH - 04/26/06 04:07 PM

Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will certainly change things.

The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1987. They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.

Their lifetime has always included AIDS.

The CD was introduced the year they were born.

They have always had an answering machine.

They have always had cable.

Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.

Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.

They never took a swim and thought about Jaws!

They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.

They never heard: "Where's the Beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel", or "de plane Boss, de plane".

McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers.

They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.

Do you feel old yet? (Sorry) Pass this on to the other old fogies on your list, or anyone who needs a laugh . Notice the larger type, that's for those of you who have trouble reading.


Save the earth. It's the only planet with chocolate .
Posted By: kris48

Re: NEW BALDERDASH - 04/27/06 01:35 AM

Okay, this is how bad it is. I went to school with Judith Resnick, Challenger astronaut. We graduated together. (She was a whole lot smarter than I was!) I work with a kid who reminds me exactly of Tatoo. For those of a younger generation "de Plane" guy.
Posted By: San Pedro Daily

Re: NEW BALDERDASH - 05/09/06 03:36 PM

A man walks into a bar. He sees a good looking, smartly dressed woman

perched on a bar stool. He walks up behind her and says, "Hi there good

looking, how's it going?"



She turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says,

"Listen, I'll screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, it

doesn't matter. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college. I just

flat out love it."



He says, "No kidding? I'm a lawyer too! What firm are you with?"
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: NEW BALDERDASH - 05/09/06 03:44 PM

Some days that's us! laugh
Posted By: MALIBU

Re: NEW BALDERDASH - 05/12/06 02:34 PM

The Pearly Gates

St Peter looked up and over 5000 folks from New Orleans were
converging on the Pearly Gates. Never having had more than one
or two persons a day from New Orleans before, he ran to God and
asked him what to do. God told him, "Don't worry, St Peter.
There's been a terrible flood in New Orleans. That's the reason
for the large number of New Orleanians showing up at once."

St Peter ran back to the Pearly Gates and then ran right back to
God yelling, "They're gone, they're gone!" God said calmly,
"St Peter, those 5000 people from New Orleans could not be gone
that quickly." St Peter said, "No, the Pearly Gates! They're gone!"
Posted By: klcman

Re: NEW BALDERDASH - 05/13/06 08:48 PM

Recent research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex:

The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so horny you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say "screw you".

The 5th kind of sex is called: Courtroom Sex. This is when you cannot stand your wife/husband any more. She/He takes you to court and screws
you in front of everyone.

The 6th kind is called Religious Sex, which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night.

OOPS. Don't forget the 7th kind of sex - Social Security Sex. You get a little each month. But not enough to live on!
Posted By: dogmatic prevaricator

Re: NEW BALDERDASH - 05/13/06 10:18 PM

OK, I got hung up with the first one. While I am down with the concept, I saw data that suggests Smurf Sex is the body coloration that occurs when you only have sex once a year.

I think there are several very practical versions that have been omitted.
Posted By: klcman

Re: NEW BALDERDASH - 05/13/06 10:28 PM

There probably are more than several DP

someday I'll tell you about DSB and it's effects on human hearing.
Posted By: dogmatic prevaricator

Re: NEW BALDERDASH - 05/13/06 10:35 PM

WHAT? WHAT?
Posted By: klcman

Re: NEW BALDERDASH - 05/13/06 10:46 PM

that's the first symptom wink
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: NEW BALDERDASH - 05/13/06 11:44 PM

I can hear both of you just fine - but then maybe that's just because I am considerably younger! :p
I'd be interested to hear about the several omitted versions - laugh
Posted By: klcman

Re: NEW BALDERDASH - 05/14/06 12:11 AM

well, youngster, I will tell ya this much - You should have no fear of ever contracting it.

Methinks that omitted versions (most anyway) might come under review by the Parental Guide on to How Not To Have SIB.
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: NEW BALDERDASH - 05/14/06 12:27 AM

Hey - I may be a youngster, but I'm old enough to get into the PG stuff smile
Posted By: NYgal

Re: NEW BALDERDASH - 05/14/06 10:01 PM

Running Doe,a young Native American woman went to a
doctor for her first ever physical exam. After
checking all of her vitals and running the usual
tests, the doctor said, "Well, Running Doe, you are in
fine health. I could find no problems. I did notice
one abnormality however."

"Oh, what is that, Doctor?"

"Well, you have no nipples."

"None of the people in my tribe have nipples," she replied.

"That is amazing," said the doctor. "I'd like to
write this up for The South Dakota Journal of Medicine
if you don't mind.

She said, "OK."

"First of all" asked the doctor, "how many people arein your tribe?"

She answered, "Approximately 500."

"And what is the name of your tribe?" asked the doctor.

Running Doe replied, "We're called ...


*
*
*
*
*
*








"The Indiannippleless Five Hundred"
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: NEW BALDERDASH - 05/14/06 10:18 PM

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate, and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you did take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you did not take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."

Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you do sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you do not sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom."

Lesson of the day... Don't Lie To Your Mother.
Posted By: klcman

Re: NEW BALDERDASH - 05/14/06 10:54 PM

laugh Awesome!

Mom's always know everything! (The voice of recent experience)
Posted By: San Pedro Daily

Re: NEW BALDERDASH - 05/25/06 07:48 PM

A young hillbilly named Kenny, moved to Texas and bought a donkey from a farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

The next day the farmer drove up and said, "sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died."

Kenny replied, "well, then, just give me my money back."

The Farmer said, "can't do that. I went and spent it already."

Kenny said, "OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey."

The farmer asked, "what ya gonna do with him?"

Kenny said, "I'm going to raffle him off."

The farmer said, "you can't raffle off a dead donkey!"

Kenny said, "sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he is dead."

A month later, the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, "what happened with that dead donkey?"

Kenny said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $998"

The farmer said, "didn't anyone complain?"

Kenny said, "just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."

Kenny eventually became the chairman of Enron.
Posted By: San Pedro Daily

Re: NEW BALDERDASH - 05/26/06 03:54 PM

Joe the lawyer died suddenly, at the age of 45. He got to the gates of Heaven, and the angel standing there said, "We've been waiting a long time for you."

"What do you mean," he replied, "I'm only 45, in the prime of my life. Why did I have to die now?"

"45? You're not 45, you're 82," replied the angel.

"Wait a minute. If you think I'm 82 then you have the wrong guy. I'm only 45. I can show you my birth certificate."

"Hold on. Let me go check," said the angel and disappeared inside. After a few minutes the angel returned. "Sorry, but by our records you are 82. I checked all the hours you have billed your clients, and you have to be 82..."
Posted By: ScubaLdy

Re: NEW BALDERDASH - 05/30/06 09:56 PM

It is hard to find a joke today without a dirty word or two
in it, but here is one:


Two tall trees, a Birch and a Beech, are growing in the
woods. A sapling begins to grow between them, and the Beech says to
the Birch, "Is that a son of a Beech or a son of a Birch?"

The Birch says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.

The Birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you
tell if that is a son of a Beech or a son of a Birch?"

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small sapling. He
replies, "It is neither a son of a Beech nor a son of a Birch. It is,
however, the best piece of Ash I have ever put my pecker in."


Now wipe that smile off your face.
Posted By: tacogirl

Re: NEW BALDERDASH - 05/31/06 04:14 PM

My Dear Family,

The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a honk if you love Jesus bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put in on my bumper.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed. I found that LOTS of people love Jesus. Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and when he leaned out of his window and screamed, "for the love of God, GO! GO!" What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus.

Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love. There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach... I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. When I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My grandson burst out laughing, why even he was enjoying this religious experience. A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on through the intersection.

I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!
Love, Grandma
Posted By: travelqueen

Re: NEW BALDERDASH - 06/08/06 02:19 PM

THE GOOD, THE BAD AND THE UGLY

Good : Your wife is pregnant.
Bad : It's triplets.
Ugly : You had a vasectomy five years ago.

Good : Your wife's not talking to you
Bad : She wants a divorce.
Ugly : She's a lawyer.

Good : Your son is finally maturing.
Bad : He's involved with the women next door.
Ugly : So are you.

Good : Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad : You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly : You're in them.

Good : Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.
Bad : You can't find your birth control pills.
Ugly : Your daughter borrowed them.

Good : Your husband understands fashion.
Bad : He's a cross-dresser.
Ugly : He looks better than you.

Good : You just gave "the birds and the bees" talk to your daughter.
Bad : She keeps interrupting.
Ugly : With corrections

Good : Your son is dating someone new.
Bad : It's another man.
Ugly : He's your best friend.

Good : Your daughter got a new job.
Bad : As a hooker.
Ugly : Your co-workers are her best clients.
Way ugly : She makes more money than you do ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Posted By: San Pedro Daily

Re: NEW BALDERDASH - 06/10/06 04:03 PM

[Linked Image]
© 2021 Ambergris Caye Belize Message Board