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Smiles for the day

Posted By: Amanda Syme

Smiles for the day - 06/05/07 08:57 PM

A letter from college:

Dear Dad,

$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.

Love,

Your $on

The Reply:

Dear Son,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.

Love,

Dad






A touching story

In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from
Northwestern University. On a hike through the bush, he came across
a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.
The elephant seemed distressed, so Mbembe approached it very
carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot,
and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As
carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the wood out
with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down
its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather
curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.
Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled.
Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.

Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Mbemb was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his
teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the
creatures turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe, lifted its
front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several
times.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help wondering
if this was the same elephant. Mbembe summoned up his courage,
climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He
walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.

The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mbembe's
legs and slammed him against the railing, then stomped him several
times crushing the poor bastard to death.


Probably wasn't the same elephant.







You can't read this and stay in a bad mood!

1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?

Unique Up On It.

2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?

Tame Way.

3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest ?

They Take The Psycho Path

4. How Do You Get Holy Water?

You Boil The Hell Out Of It

5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?

Dam!

6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?

Polaroid's

7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?

A Stick

8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?

Nacho Cheese.

9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?

Subordinate Clauses.

10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?

Quattro Sink o.

11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?

Spoiled Milk. Or California Cheese!

12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?

Frostbite.

13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?

A Nervous Wreck.

14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?

Anyone Can Roast Beef.

15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?

Right Where You Left Him.

16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?

Because They Have Big Fingers .

17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?

Because It Scares The Dog.

18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?

Sanka.

19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover ?!

The Location Of The Dirt Bag.

20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?

Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.

21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?

A Bad Golfer Goes, "Whack, Dang!"

A Bad Skydiver Goes, "Dang! Whack!"

22. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?

Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer






Silly question?

I recently turned 65 and had to choose a new primary care physician...
After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I will live to be 80?"

He asked: Do you smoke tobacco or drink alcoholic beverages?"

"Oh no," I replied. "I don't do drugs, either."

"Do you have many friends and entertain frequently?"

"I said, "No, I usually stay home and keep to myself".

"Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"

I said, "No, my other doctor said that all red meat is unhealthy!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?"

"No, I don't," I said.

"Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"

"No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."

He looked at me and said, "Then why do you care?




Test for Dementia
Below are four (4) questions and a bonus question. You have to answer them instantly. You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately. OK?


Let's find out just how clever you really are....



Ready? GO!!! (scroll down)












First Question:

You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What
position are you in?




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~




Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second!

Try not to screw up next time.
Now answer the second question, but don't take as much time as you took for the first question, OK?

Second Question:
If you overtake the last person, then you are...?
(scroll down)




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~




Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST Person?


You're not very good at this, are you?




Third Question:
Very tricky arithmetic! Note: This must be done in your head only.
Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.



Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000 . Now add 30. Add another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000
Now add 10. What is the total?


Scroll down for answer.....









~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Did you get 5000?

The correct answer is actually 4100.



If you don't believe it, check it with a calculator! Today is definitely not your day, is it? Maybe you'll get the last question right....
....Maybe.



Fourth Question:

Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter?







~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Did you Answer Nunu?
NO! Of course it isn't.
Her name is Mary. Read the question again!



Okay, now the bonus round:

A mute person goes into a shop and wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing his teeth he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and! the purchase is done.
Next, a blind man comes into the shop who wants to buy a pair of sunglasses; how does HE indicate what he wants?










~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~












He just has to open his mouth and ask...
It's really very simple.... Like you!





THE FINAL WORD ON NUTRITION ...

After an exhaustive review of the research literature, here's the final word on nutrition and health.:

1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
3. Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
4. Italians drink excess ive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
5. Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink whatever you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.


Posted By: VT-CDN

Re: Smiles for the day - 06/06/07 11:55 PM

Let's Talk

A guy was seated next to a 10-year-old girl on an airplane. Being bored, he turned to the girl and said, "Let's talk. I''ve heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The girl, who was reading a book, closed it slowly and said to the guy, "What would you like to talk about?"

Oh, I don't know," said the guy. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat the same stuff... grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

The guy thought about it and said, "Hmmm, I have no idea."

To which the girl replied, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don''t know sh*t?"
Posted By: Ricoman

Re: Smiles for the day - 06/07/07 02:50 PM

That gave me a good laugh VT-CDN. i forwarded that one.
Posted By: VT-CDN

Re: Smiles for the day - 06/07/07 05:23 PM

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives, however, they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.

Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery. Neither of them had any toilet tissue so one thought she would take off her panties and use them.

Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them. She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to use the ribbon.

After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home.

The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said, "These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst.. my wife came home with no panties!!"

"That's nothing" said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that said..... 'From all of us at the Fire Station. "We'll never forget you.'

Posted By: VT-CDN

Re: Smiles for the day - 06/07/07 05:36 PM

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity, applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Golfing 3.6.

I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!

Thanks,

Troubled User

_____________________________________
Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem men complain about.

Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a utilities and entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall or purge the program files from the system once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony/Child Support . I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE!, because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5, and Do Bills 4.2.

However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0!

WARNING! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Cute Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system!

Best of luck,

Tech Support
Posted By: travelqueen

Re: Smiles for the day - 06/08/07 04:44 PM

Ah, those are cute!

WINTER CLASSES FOR MEN
REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED BY Monday, October 30
: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.

Classes begin Monday, December 4, 2007



Class 1
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays --- Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 2
The Toilet Paper Roll --- Does It Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and
Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub? --- Group Practice.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor ---
Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturday at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
After Dinner Dishes --- Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 6
Loss Of Identity --- Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM.

Class 7
Learning How To Find Things --- Starting With Looking In The Right Places
And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.
Open Forum
Monday at 8:00 PM , 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch --- Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.
Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost --- Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesday at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday noon, 2 hours.

Class 11
Learning to Live --- Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.
Online Classes and role-playing
Tuesday at 7:00 PM, location to be determined.

Class 12
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion
Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours ! Beginning at 7:00 PM .

Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy --- Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late. Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 14
The Stove/Oven --- What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration.
Tuesday at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.


Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors. !



Posted By: travelqueen

Re: Smiles for the day - 06/08/07 05:19 PM

Oh guys!...

BBQ RULES



We are about to enter the summer and BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity, as it's the only type of cooking a 'real' man will do, probably because there is an element of danger involved.

When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:

Routine...

(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.

Here comes the important part:

(4) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

More routine....

(5) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
(6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the situation.

Important again:

(7) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

More routine....

(8) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.
(9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:
(10) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
(11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women....



Posted By: HavinFun

Re: Smiles for the day - 06/08/07 05:39 PM

SO TRUE!!!! TQ - Thanks for sharing the story of how Belikin Jimmy cooks his BBQ grin
Posted By: VT-CDN

Re: Smiles for the day - 06/09/07 01:11 AM

Subject:spaghetti



A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for several
years. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that
she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he
would pay her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly
have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also
provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how
he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to
simply mail him a post card, and write Spaghetti" on the back. He would
then arrange for child support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. His
wife said, "Honey, you received a very strange post card today." "Oh,
just
give it to me and I'll explain it," he said. The wife handed him the card
and watched as her husband read the card, turned white and collapsed.

On the card was written: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with
meatballs, one without! Request bread...
Posted By: tacogirl

Re: Smiles for the day - 06/09/07 04:11 PM

Laws of Life

Murphy's First Law for Wives: If you ask your husband to pick up five items at the store and then you add one more as an afterthought, he will forget two of the first five.

Kauffman's Paradox of the Corporation: The less important you are to the corporation, the more your tardiness or absence is noticed.

The Salary Axiom: The pay raise is just large enough to increase your taxes and just small enough to have no effect on your take-home pay.

Miller's Law of Insurance: Insurance covers everything except what happens.

First Law of Living: As soon as you start doing what you always wanted to be doing, you'll want to be doing something else.

Weiner's Law of Libraries: There are no answers, only cross-references.

Isaac's Strange Rule of Staleness: Any food that starts out hard will soften when stale. Any food that starts out soft will harden when stale.

The Grocery Bag Law: The candy bar you planned to eat on the way home from the market is hidden at the bottom of the grocery bag.

Lampner's Law of Employment: When leaving work late, you will go
unnoticed. When you leave work early, you will meet the boss in the parking
lot.
Posted By: VT-CDN

Re: Smiles for the day - 06/11/07 07:24 PM

Excerpts from a Dog's Diary



6:00am- At last! I go pee! My favorite thing!



8:00am- Dog Food! My favorite thing!



9:30am- A car ride! My favorite thing!



9:40am- A walk in the park! My favorite thing!



10:30am- Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!



12:00pm- Lunch! My favorite thing!



1:00pm- Played in the yard! My favorite thing!



3:00pm- Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!



5:00pm- Milk Bones! My favorite thing!



7:00pm- Got to play ball! My favorite thing!



8:00pm- Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!



11:00pm- Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!



Excerpts from a Cat's Diary



Day 983 of captivity. My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little
dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and
I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the
rations perfectly clear, i nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up
my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an
attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.



Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet.



I had hoped that it would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly
demonstrated what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending
comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. Bastards!



There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in
solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the
noises and smell the food. I overheard that ,y confinement was due to the power
of my allergies. I must learn what this menu is and how to use it to my
advantage.



The dog receives special treatment and is let outside only to return when he is
called. He must be retarded.
Posted By: Otteralum

Re: Smiles for the day - 06/11/07 07:40 PM

HA HA! Love it!
Posted By: VT-CDN

Re: Smiles for the day - 06/12/07 11:38 PM

A Florida couple was watching a Discovery Channel special about
an African black bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long.

When the black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his
penis and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight
stretches the penis to 24 inches.



Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower,
his wife looked at him and said,

"How about we try the African string-and-weight procedure?"

The husband agreed and they tied a string and a weight to his penis.



A few days later, the wife asked the husband, "How is our little tribal
experiment coming along?"

"Well, it looks like we're about half way there," he replied.

"Wow, you mean it's grown to 12 inches?"

"No, it's turned black.
Posted By: OESGwynedd

Re: Smiles for the day - 06/13/07 01:01 AM

OMG!! Remind me not to have soda in my mouth when readin!!!
Posted By: VT-CDN

Re: Smiles for the day - 06/13/07 09:43 PM

THE RED INDIAN WITH ONE TESTICLE

There once was a Red Indian who had only one testicle, and
whose given name was Onestone.

He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him
Onestone.

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked

and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!"

The word got around and nobody called him that any more.

Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and
said, "Good morning, Onestone."

He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the
forest where he made love to her all day and all night.

He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird
died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised
he would do.

Years went by and no one dared call him by his given
name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village
after being away.

Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed
when she saw Onestone.

She hugged him and said, "Good to see you, Onestone."

Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest,
then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night,
made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next
night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!


What is the moral of this story?????...........................


Take a guess...!


Think about it...


(You're going to love this!)
And the moral is..




You can't kill two birds with one stone!!!!!!!!!
Posted By: VT-CDN

Re: Smiles for the day - 06/18/07 04:44 PM

Archie & Harry


Two Newfies, Archie and Harry, were driving down the road
drinking a couple of beers.


The passenger, Harry, suddenly said, "Lord tundering
jaisus...up ahead it's a police roadblock!!

We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' dese here beers!!"

Don't worry," Archie said. "We'll just pull over and finish
dese beers,

then peel off the label, stick it on our foreheads, and trow
the bottles under the seat."

"What fer?"

"Jist let me do de talkin', OK?"

So they finished their beers, threw the empties out of sight
and put a label on each of their foreheads.

When they reached the roadblock, the police officer took a long
look at the two of them and said,

"You boys been drinkin'?"

"No sir," said Archie, pointing at the labels.

"We're on the patch."
Posted By: VT-CDN

Re: Smiles for the day - 06/18/07 04:48 PM

_These are genuine excerpts from British council flat tenants_ _complaining to the council about problems with their flats._


My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.

He´s got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can´t take it anymore.

It´s the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.

I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

And their 18year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.

My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand.

I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are plain filthy.

I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

I want to complain about the farmer across the road, every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and its now getting too much for me.

The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous,

Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.

I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.

Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but still have no satisfaction.

This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can´t get BBC2.
Posted By: Bill Mc Ghee

Re: Smiles for the day - 06/18/07 05:33 PM

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."

So he tied her up and went golfing.


Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.

**************************************************

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.

First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters:
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'

"Can you read this?" the optician asked.

"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."

**************************************************
Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them,

"I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."

"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonnay."

**************************************************
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Su ddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!
You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

Posted By: JZB

Re: Smiles for the day - 06/18/07 07:13 PM

lol! Thanks for the laugh!
Posted By: SP Daily

Re: Smiles for the day - 06/19/07 05:32 PM

I went to the Patent Office trying to register some of my inventions.

I went to the main desk to sign in and the lady at the desk had a form
that had to be filled out.

She wrote down my personal info and then asked me what I had invented.

I said, "A folding bottle."

She said, "Okay. What do you call it?"

"A Fottle."

"What else do you have?"

"A folding carton."

"What do you call it?"

"A Farton."

She sniggered and said, "Those are silly names for products and one of
them sounds kind of crude."

I was so upset by her comment that I grabbed the form and left the office
without even telling her about my folding bucket.
Posted By: tacogirl

Re: Smiles for the day - 06/19/07 11:16 PM

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, Who's on First?" might have turned out something like this: COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking

about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.


ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?


ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!


(A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on "START".............

Posted By: SimonB

Re: Smiles for the day - 06/20/07 03:30 AM

Ah! Brings back the old Help Desk days!
Posted By: TrueLover

Re: Smiles for the day - 06/20/07 03:55 PM

A friend of mine went into a local hardware store and asked for an item. He was told they couldn't keep the item on the shelf so they discontinued it. Hmmmmm ......
Posted By: Denny Shane

Re: Smiles for the day - 06/20/07 05:07 PM

lol taco! I was laughing half through it!
Posted By: VT-CDN

Re: Smiles for the day - 06/21/07 01:58 AM

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND
THINKING, "SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD?"

WELL... YOU'LL LOVE THIS TALE FROM A WOMAN!!

I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A
NEW DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.
SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE
SAME NAME WHO HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS NEARLY 40 YEARS AGO.
COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?
UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.
THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY-LINED FACE WAS WAY
TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.
AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK
HIGH SCHOOL.
"YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG," HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.
"WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?" I ASKED.
HE ANSWERED, "IN 1968. WHY DO YOU ASK?"
"YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!" I EXCLAIMED.
HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY. THEN, THAT UGLY, OLD, WRINKLED, BALD, FAT,
GRAY, DECREPIT SOB ASKED,
"WHAT DID YOU TEACH?"
Posted By: VT-CDN

Re: Smiles for the day - 06/22/07 03:02 AM

A Very Special Father's Day Present...

An old man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his potato garden but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son Fred, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Fred,

I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.

Love,
Dad

***

A few days later he received a letter from his son:

Dear Dad,

For heaven's sake Dad, don't dig up that garden! That's where I buried the BODIES.

Love,
Fred

***

At 4 am the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son:

Dear Dad,

Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love,
Fred
Posted By: Sun&sand

Re: Smiles for the day - 06/22/07 03:13 AM

Did you see that?

"No," the second guy says.

"Well, a bald eagle just flew overhead," the first guy says.

"Oh," says the second guy.

A couple of minutes later, The first guy says, "Did you see that?"

"See what?" the second guy asks.

"Are you blind? There was a big, black bear walking on that hill, over there."

"Oh."

A few minutes later the first guy says: "Did you see that?"

By now, the second guy is getting aggravated, so he says, "Yes, I did!"

And the first guy says: "Then why did you step in it?"

Posted By: Sun&sand

Re: Smiles for the day - 06/22/07 12:29 PM

Smart Blonde
A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains" I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and vice-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500," figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match. This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the blonde's turn.

She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Air phone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress.

Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows. After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer!?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep!

Posted By: ScubaLdy

Re: Smiles for the day - 06/23/07 06:21 AM

These are good questions... Hmmmmmmmmmm. . .

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered
assassinated instead of just murdered?

Why do you have to "put your two cents in," but it's only a "penny for your
thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried
in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a
good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like
every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars
to look at things on the ground?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you
naked anyway.

Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible
crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why
can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both
dogs!

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he
just buy dinner?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables,
what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call
it a hemorrhoid when it's in your bottom?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you,
but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?

If you're not having fun.....
....you're not doing it right!
Posted By: Sun&sand

Re: Smiles for the day - 06/23/07 12:33 PM

Too Funny, ScubaLdy. I want to add a couple to it:

Why do you drive on a parkway and park on a driveway?

Why do they call them apartments when they are so close together?

The ponders of life....
Posted By: seaexplore

Re: Smiles for the day - 06/25/07 12:52 AM

These jokes are GREAT! I look here for some humor in my day. When I finally get some good ones to post I will!

Re: crying underwater- I think it's possible- I KNOW that when I was on swim team I would sweat underwater....... hmmm..... now I'm wondering how I knew I was sweating....... ok- I don't know...... LOL
Posted By: ScubaLdy

Re: Smiles for the day - 06/25/07 01:18 AM

The very first dive I did was in Puerta Vallarta after having done all the class room and pool work but not the open water dives. The dive master was Victor and he held my hand all the way as we cruised down to 79’. At that depth I reached out my other hand to point to something and my bright red fingernails looked cobalt blue – I cried – right into my mask!
Posted By: Marty

Re: Smiles for the day - 06/25/07 02:57 AM

i got to watch my daughter cry underwater on top of amigos wreck. her mask had cracked and blown the whole top seal. we kept waving COME ON COME ON!!! we had no idea what was wrong. she just stood there not moving. when i got close enough to see inside her mask, her eyes were closed and the mask was full of water.

really sucks to see your daughter crying 85 feet down.

Posted By: tacogirl

Re: Smiles for the day - 06/28/07 05:23 AM

Economic Models explained with Cows:


SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbor.

COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and
then throws the milk away...

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.

SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons


AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk
of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyze why the cow
has dropped dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.

You go on strike, organize a riot, and block the
roads, because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and market it worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat
once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows. You
count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You
count them again and learn you have 2 cows. You stop
counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you. You
charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high
bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real
situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows. Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows. You tell them
that you have none. No-one believes you, so they bomb
the **** out of you and invade your country. You
still have no cows, but at least now you are part of a
democracy....

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to
celebrate.
Posted By: wonderwoman

Re: Smiles for the day - 06/28/07 01:20 PM

Thank you Tacogirl for starting my day off right!!! Love ya!
Posted By: Bobber

Re: Smiles for the day - 06/28/07 02:32 PM

All those damn cows are causing global warming (and makes things smell funny). It's a good thing we are floating on a molten core that keeps us from being thousands of feet below sea level. And a big thank you out to Ug Gore, who, in 30 million BC, invented the rock. smile
Posted By: Bill Mc Ghee

Re: Smiles for the day - 06/29/07 04:17 PM

A 2006 study by Texas A&M found that the average American walks about 900
> miles per year.

Another study by the American Beer Institute found that Americans drink an
average of 22 gallons of beer a year.

This means, on average, Americans get approximately 41 miles per gallon.

Not bad!
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Smiles for the day - 06/29/07 04:50 PM

I like that one!
Posted By: Otteralum

Re: Smiles for the day - 06/30/07 03:26 PM

ENRON CORPORATION

You borrow 80% of the forward value of the two cows from
your bank, then buy another cow with 5% down and the rest
financed by the seller on a note callable if your market cap
goes below $20B at a rate 2 times prime. You now sell three
cows to your publicly listed company, using letters of
credit opened by your brother-in-law at a 2nd bank, then
execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer
so that you get four cows back, with a tax exemption for
five cows. The milk rights of six cows are transferred via
an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by
the majority shareholder who sells the rights to seven cows
back to your listed company. The annual report says the
company owns eight cows, with an option on one more and this
transaction process is upheld by your independent auditor
and no Balance Sheet provided with the press release that
announces that Enron as a major owner of cows will begin
trading cows via the Internet site COW (cows on web).
Posted By: divingcowgirl

Re: Smiles for the day - 06/30/07 04:29 PM

You're good Otter! laugh
Posted By: Chloe

Re: Smiles for the day - 06/30/07 04:34 PM

Now I fully understand it, Otter.
Posted By: Otteralum

Re: Smiles for the day - 07/01/07 02:05 PM

Glad I could be of service.
Posted By: Chloe

Re: Smiles for the day - 07/01/07 03:50 PM

{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}} for Otter.
Posted By: VT-CDN

Re: Smiles for the day - 07/05/07 11:02 PM

What patients say during Colonoscopies

Colonoscopies are no joke , but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

1. Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!
2. Find Amelia Earhartye?
3. Can you hear me NOW?
4. Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
5. You know, in Arkansas , e'r now legally married.
6. Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?
7. You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...
8. Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!
9. If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!
10. Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.
11. You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?
12. God, now I know why I am not ***.

And the best one ***all...

13. Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?
Posted By: natalie p

Re: Smiles for the day - 07/07/07 04:01 PM

Today's Date;
07-07-07
Posted By: Chloe

Re: Smiles for the day - 07/07/07 04:31 PM

I'll remember this date forever more. 07-07-07

Good friend passed away today, amazingly shortly after 7am.
She probably picked the date, she was always out there, enjoying life, with great shocking view points. She's looking for the bar in heaven as I type, we just know. Also if no cats in heaven, she has already announced, get me out of here. God we loved her.
Posted By: tacogirl

Re: Smiles for the day - 07/07/07 10:49 PM

Sorry to hear that Chloe here is a joke in memory of your friend.

WATER & WINE EDUCATION

It has been scientifically proven that if we Drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli bacteria found in feces.
In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop !

However, we do not run that risk when drinking wine — or rum, whiskey, vodka, beer or other liquors — because alcohol has to go through a distillation process of boiling, filtering, and fermenting.

It is better to drink wine and talk sh*t …
Than to drink water and be full of sh*t

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information.
I am doing it as a public service.
Posted By: Amanda Syme

Re: Smiles for the day - 07/08/07 02:48 AM

Thanks Tacogirl. But the big question is how do we purge the sh*t - as so many people we know continue to be full of it or stirring it.

Sorry about your friend Chloe. You can rest assured she will be accompanied by my cat in heaven as he passed a few days ago. He's a little wild but I am sure they will enjoy one another's company.
Posted By: tacogirl

Re: Smiles for the day - 07/11/07 02:44 PM

I came across this this morning and thought it was pretty funny...

(from someone who definitely has too much time on their hands)

Whenever I get a package of plain M&Ms, I make it my duty to
continue the strength and robustness of the candy as a
species. To this end, I hold M&M duels.

Taking two candies between my thumb and forefinger, I apply
pressure, squeezing them together until one of them cracks and
splinters. That is the "loser," and I eat the inferior one
immediately. The winner gets to go another round.

I have found that, in general, the brown and red M&Ms are
tougher, and the newer blue ones are genetically inferior. I
have hypothesized that the blue M&Ms as a race cannot survive
long in the intense theater of competition that is the modern
candy and snack-food world.

Occasionally I will get a mutation, a candy that is
misshapen, or pointier, or flatter than the rest. Almost
invariably this proves to be a weakness, but on very rare
occasions it gives the candy extra strength. In this way, the
species continues to adapt to its environment.

When I reach the end of the pack, I am left with one M&M, the
strongest of the herd. Since it would make no sense to eat
this one as well, I pack it neatly in an envelope and send it
to M&M Mars, A Division of Mars, Inc., Hackettstown, NJ
17840-1503 U.S.A., along with a 3x5 card reading, "Please use
this M&M for breeding purposes."

This week they wrote back to thank me, and sent me a coupon
for a free 1/2 pound bag of plain M&Ms. I consider this
"grant money." I have set aside the weekend for a grand
tournament. From a field of hundreds, we will discover the
True Champion.

There can be only one.
Posted By: elbert

Re: Smiles for the day - 07/11/07 05:14 PM

I feel I know this person
The M and M Darwinian imperative states, "If we're unwilling to change, someone else's M and M will, and go forward."
The M and M Darwinian imperative is to survive and reproduce therefore succeeding and propagating the successful M gene. Adapt or be squashed and eaten-that is the M and M Darwinian imperative.
Good behavior follows the Darwinian imperative. That is, it had and continues to have survival value. Evolve or perish is the rule, and behavior is not immune to these forces.
As far as day-to-day behavior is concerned, there is no such imperative but day to day behavior isn’t what I’m referring to, ‘Basic Good’ has emerged as successful and it’s in the DNA of M and M's
Can you be born good or bad? It's not nearly that simple. Researchers on all sides of the behavioral genetics debate emphasize that the link between a M gene and a M behavior is not the same as cause and effect. Bottom line: a gene does not make M and M's good. It doesn't code for emotions or thoughts. It may not even turn on or off without an instruction from its surroundings. Instead, a M gene may trigger a whole cascade of biochemical events in the candy, interact with environmental and developmental influences, and - together with these - increase the likelihood that M and M's behave in a particular way, If that way is successful the Darwinian imperative says they will propagate and further strengthen the M gene. Good survives in this environment. This creates a direct advantage of religions beliefs, regardless of their logic.
I’m saying an M and M's moral sense has a Darwinian origin and religious beliefs fit comfortably into it.
DNA-based techniques have allowed more specific studies of M genetic influences on M and M behavior. Geneticists identify M and M's in hand fulls with a particular behavior then look for sections of genes (genetic markers) that they all seem to share, such as melting in the mouth rather than in the hand. They aim to narrow these results down to find markers very close to the targeted M gene, and then its exact location. The researchers then test whether the gene's activity - or failure to act - seems to trigger the observed behavior. Finally, they look at the Candy product made by the gene and try to determine its role.
I have a similar Grant
Posted By: Otteralum

Re: Smiles for the day - 07/11/07 05:16 PM

ha,ha -- nice. Ah, I wish I had time to enagage in such endeavors (he says as he writes on a message board)
Posted By: elbert

Re: Smiles for the day - 07/11/07 05:49 PM

I keep them in a can, that makes it quick and easy, its actually a bird thing.I'm truly believing behavior,'good' behavior is Meme wise successful, and passed on. but thats way to serious for 'smiles of the day.
Posted By: VT-CDN

Re: Smiles for the day - 07/12/07 02:05 AM

It was entertainment night at the Senior Center. Claude the hypnotist
exclaimed: "I'm here to put you into a trance; I intend to hypnotize
each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful, solid
gold antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want each of you to keep
your eyes on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been
in
my family for six generations".

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly
chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..." The
crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed ba ck and forth, light
gleaming off its polished surface.

Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly,
it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor,
shattering into a hundred pieces.

"****!!!" said the hypnotist.

It took three days to clean up the Senior Center
Posted By: Chloe

Re: Smiles for the day - 07/12/07 04:17 AM

ROFLMBO!!!!!
Posted By: Bill Mc Ghee

Re: Smiles for the day - 07/12/07 04:36 AM

Be carefull chloe.. I wouldn't want you to hurt that "B"
Posted By: belizeonthebeach

Re: Smiles for the day - 07/12/07 05:36 AM

One night , after the couple had retired for the night, the woman became aware that her husband was touching her in a most unusual manner. He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her back. He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly. Then, he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist. He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the the other. His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs. His gentle probing then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and the returned to do the same to her right thigh.

By this time the woman was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little to better position herself.The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed.

" Why are you stopping darling?" she whispered.

He whispered back, " I found the remote!"

Posted By: Otteralum

Re: Smiles for the day - 07/12/07 02:42 PM

ha,ha,ha! I never get that far. Mrs. Otter just rolls over, says "here it is" and goes back to sleep.
Posted By: tacogirl

Re: Smiles for the day - 07/12/07 02:58 PM

All of these are legitimate companies that didn't spend quite enough time considering how their online names might appear ... and be misread.

1. "Who Represents" is where you can find the name of the agent that represents any celebrity. Their Web site is www.whorepresents.com

2. Experts Exchange is a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at www.expertsexchange.com

3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at
www.penisland.net

4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at www.therapistfinder.com

5. There's the Italian Power Generator company,
www.powergenitalia.com

6. And don't forget the Mole Station Native Nursery in New South Wales, www.molestationnursery.com

7. If you're looking for IP computer software, there's always
www.ipanywhere.com

8. The First Cumming Methodist Church Web site is www.cummingfirst.com

9. And the designers at Speed of Art await you at their wacky Web site, www.speedofart.com

Posted By: jaz25

Re: Smiles for the day - 07/12/07 08:53 PM

lol
Posted By: Amanda Syme

Re: Smiles for the day - 07/12/07 10:34 PM

Wedded Bliss

Wife: "What are you doing?"
Husband: "Nothing."
Wife: "Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour."
Husband: "I was looking for the expiration date."

Wife: "Do you want dinner?"
Husband: "Sure! What are my choices?"
Wife: "Yes and no."

Wife: "You always carry my photo in your wallet. Why?"
Hubby: "When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears."
Wife: "You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?"
Hubby: "Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?"

Stress Reliever Girl: "When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden."
Boy: "It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles."
Girl: "Well that's because we aren't married yet."

Son: "Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady."
Mom: "Well, you have done the right thing."
Son: "But mom, I was sitting on daddy's lap."

A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?"
"Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!!"

Father to son after exam: "Let me see your report card."
Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."

Girl to her boyfriend: "One kiss and I'll be yours forever."
The guy replies: "Thanks for the early warning."

A wife asked her husband: "What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?"
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: "I like your sense of humor."
Posted By: Amanda Syme

Re: Smiles for the day - 07/12/07 10:36 PM

The newest list of the worlds shortest books. Just released.


THINGS I LOVE ABOUT MY COUNTRY

by Jane Fonda & Cindy Sheehan.

Illustrated by Michael Moore

__________________ ______________________



MY CHRISTIAN ACCOMPLISHMENTS &

HOW I HELPED AFTER KATRINA

by Rev Jesse Jackson & Rev Al Sharpton

_______________________________________



THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL
by Hillary Clinton

______________________________

Sequel:

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT HILLARY

By Bill Clinton

___________________________________

MY LITTLE BOOK OF

PERSONAL HYGIENE

by Osama Bin Laden

___________________________________

THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD

by Bill Gates

____________________________________

THINGS I WOULD NOT

DO FOR MONEY

by Dennis Rodman

__________________________________

THINGS I KNOW TO BE TRUE

by Al Gore & John Kerry

_______________________________________



AMELIA EARHART'S

GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC

__________________________________



A COLLECTION of

MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES

by Dr. J Kevorkian

__________________________________



ALL THE MEN I HAVE LOVED BEFORE

by Ellen de Generes & Rosie O'Donnel

____________________________________


GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE

by Mike Tyson

__________________________________



THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY

_______________________________________

MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS

by O.J. Simpson

_________________________________________

HOW TO DRINK & DRIVE OVER BRIDGES

by Ted Kennedy

________________________________

MY BOOK OF MORALS

by Bill Clinton

with introduction by The Rev. Jesse Jackson

*******************************************************

AND, JUST ADDED:

Complete Knowledge of Military Strategy!

By Nancy Pelosi

_____________________________
Posted By: Amanda Syme

Re: Smiles for the day - 07/12/07 10:38 PM

The UPS guy - what can brown do for you?


Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?" His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."
Posted By: Hon

Re: Smiles for the day - 07/13/07 01:26 PM

He didn't like the casserole
And he didn't like my cake.
He said my biscuits were too hard...
Not like his mother used to make.
I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't do his laundry,
The way his mother used to do.
I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue.
So I turned around and smacked him
Like his mother used to do.
Posted By: Nova

Re: Smiles for the day - 07/13/07 01:39 PM

LOLOLOLOL Good one Hon!!! laugh
Posted By: Chachacoconut

Re: Smiles for the day - 07/13/07 01:39 PM

LAWYERS SHOULD NEVER ASK A PUERTO RICAN GRANDMA A QUESTION IF THEY AREN'T PREPARED FOR THE ANSWER.

DURING A TRIAL IN A SMALL TOWN IN PUERTO RICO , THE PROSECUTING ATTORNEY CALLED HIS FIRST WITNESS, AN ELDERLY PUERTO RICAN ABUELITA TO THE STAND.

HE APPROACHED HER AND ASKED, "SENORA SANCHEZ, DO YOU KNOW ME?"

SHE RESPONDED, "SI, I KNOW YOU MR. WILLIAMS. I KNOW YOU SINCE YOU WERE A MOCOSO PENDEJO, AND FRANKLY YOU'VE BEEN A BIG DISAPPOINTMENT TO ME, TO YOUR FAMILY AND TO YOUR COMMUNITY. YOU LIE, YOU CHEAT ON YOUR WIFE, AND YOU MANIPULATE PEOPLE, AND YOU THINK YOU'RE A BIG SHOT WHEN YOU ARE NADA, PURA BASURA. YES, I KNOW YOU BABOSO."

THE LAWYER WAS STUNNED, NOT KNOWING WHAT ELSE TO DO, HE POINTED ACROSS THE ROOM AND ASKED, MRS. SANCHEZ, "DO YOU KNOW THE DEFENSE ATTORNEY?"

AGAIN SHE REPLIED, "CLARO QUE SI. I'VE KNOWN MR. RODRIGUEZ SINCE HE WAS A MOCOSO TRAVIESO TOO. HE'S A LAZY PUTO, AND HE HAS A DRINKING PROBLEM. HE CAN'T KEEP A NORMAL RELATIONSHIP WITH NOBODY, AND HE IS THE MOST PENDEJO LAWYER IN THE STATE. NOT TO MENTION HE CHEATED ON HIS WIFE WITH THREE DIFFERENT PUTAS. ONE OF THEM WAS YOUR WIFE! YOU REMEMBER?
I KNOW MR. RODRIGUEZ; HIS MAMA IS NOT PROUD OF HIM TAMBIEN." THE DEFENSE ATTORNEY ALMOST DIED.

THE JUDGE THEN ASKED BOTH COUNSELORS TO APPROACH THE BENCH, AND IN A VERY QUIET DEADLY CALM VOICE SAID, "IF EITHER OF YOU CABRONES ASKS HER IF SHE KNOWS ME, I'LL SEND YOU BOTH TO THE ELECTRIC CHAIR.
Posted By: Amanda Syme

Re: Smiles for the day - 07/13/07 10:10 PM

Basic Mathematics:

To My Dear Wife:
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year-old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please do not be upset - I shall be home before midnight.

When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:

My Dear Husband,
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old. As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of Math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference - 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.

Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.
Posted By: Amanda Syme

Re: Smiles for the day - 07/13/07 10:18 PM

A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there?

It's crowded & dirty and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome.

So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking TWA," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"TWA?" exclaimed the barber. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late.

So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at the downtown International Marriott."

"That dump! That's the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?"

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the barber. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the man, "not only were we on time in one of TWA's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot.

And the hotel-it was great! They'd just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it's the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the barber, "I know you didn't get to see the pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait the pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later the pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me."

"Really?" asked the Barber. "What'd he say?"

He said, "Where'd you get the lousy haircut?
Posted By: Amanda Syme

Re: Smiles for the day - 07/13/07 10:19 PM

Craig wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Office Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party.

As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Craig had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!

Craig sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror.

Then he noticed a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick:
"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favourite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.

Craig asks, "Son... what happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 A.M. , drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the bathroom door.

Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"


His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm married!!"

Broken Coffee Table $239.99 Hot Breakfast $4.20 Two Aspirins $.38 Saying the right thing, at the right time ... PRICELESS

Posted By: Amanda Syme

Re: Smiles for the day - 07/13/07 10:22 PM

There was a girly lobster and a manly lobster who went to Central Park Beach. It was really hot and the girly lobster asked her man to get her an ice cream from MannellyS. While on his way back to the Beach he ate his ice cream. Then when he was in front of Big Daddies her ice cream started to melt all over his darned claw! He decided to eat hers too so it wouldn't make a mess. When he finally settled down in front of the statue of the manatee where his little lady was - she asked where her ice cream was. When he told her he had eaten it - she was disgusted and said - "You SHELLFISH bastard!"
Posted By: Amanda Syme

Re: Smiles for the day - 07/13/07 10:24 PM



WHY THE ENGLISH WORE RED COATS

A long time ago, Britain and France were at war.
During one battle, the French captured an English colonel.
They took him to their headquarters, and the French general began to question him.

Finally, as an afterthought, the French general asked, "Why do you English officers all wear red coats?
Don't you know the red material makes you easier targets for us to shoot at?"

In his bland English way, the officer informed the general that the reason English officers wear red coats is if they are shot the blood won't show, and the men they are leading won't panic.

And that is why, from that day to this, all French Army officers wear brown pants.
Posted By: SimonB

Re: Smiles for the day - 07/13/07 10:36 PM

An oldie but goodie!
Posted By: Amanda Syme

Re: Smiles for the day - 07/13/07 10:45 PM

Part 1: HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN:



Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry according to lights and darks.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

Look at your womanly physique in the mirror, make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.

Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner.Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash Rinse conditioner off hair.Shave armpits and legs. Turn off shower.Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.Get out of shower.Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.



Part 2: HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN:



Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile. Walk naked to the bathroom If you see wife along the way,shake
wiener at her while making the woo- woo sound.Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of yourwiener and scratch your butt.
Get in the shower.Wash your face. Wash your armpits. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse the snot off. Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the
soap.Wash your hair. Make a shampoo Mohawk. Pee. Rinse off and get out of shower. Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.

Admire wiener size in mirror again. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on. Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull
off towel, shake wiener at her and make the woo-woo sound again.
Throw wet towel on her pillow.


If there is anyone among you who did not laugh at the truth behind this, there is something SO very wrong with you. Have a great day!

Oh, and.woo-woo!!!
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Smiles for the day - 07/13/07 10:53 PM

So now we know about life in the Syme household!
Posted By: Amanda Syme

Re: Smiles for the day - 07/13/07 10:59 PM

wooo wooo
Posted By: Otteralum

Re: Smiles for the day - 07/14/07 01:14 AM

http://www.glumbert.com/media/shower
Posted By: seaexplore

Re: Smiles for the day - 07/14/07 03:57 AM

OMG! Have you been in our bedroom???? That's so funny (and true!)
Posted By: Chachacoconut

Re: Smiles for the day - 07/14/07 12:57 PM


Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such
simple creatures?











Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can be President.

You can never be pregnant.

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

You can wear NO shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal.

You never have to drive to another gas station restroom
because this one is just too icky.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a
nut on a bolt.

Same work, more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

Wedding dress $5000, Tux rental-$100.

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to
them.

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still
be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

You almost never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

Everything on your face stays its original color.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.

Your belly usually hides your big hips.

One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look




>You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.




>You have freedom of choice concerning growing a




>mustache.




>You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on




>December 24 in 25 minutes.




>No wonder men are happier. Send this to the women who




>can handle it and to the men who will enjoy reading it.




>

Posted By: seaexplore

Re: Smiles for the day - 07/14/07 11:29 PM

yet ANOTHER truism! LOL
Posted By: ScubaLdy

Re: Smiles for the day - 07/19/07 09:47 PM

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Tennessee . He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the United States and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Tennessee . We settle small disagreements with the 'Three Kick Rule.'"

The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"

The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney.

His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees.
His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth.
The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet.
Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."


The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck.





Posted By: Bill Mc Ghee

Re: Smiles for the day - 07/19/07 10:43 PM

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her Nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says His Name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he Knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some
Collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain
Elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the Bank Manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger Out There who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants To Use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is This?"



The bank manager looks back at her and says...

"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."


(You're singing it, aren't you? Yeah, I know you are........)

Never take life too seriously! Come on now, you grinned, I know you did!!!

Posted By: Otteralum

Re: Smiles for the day - 07/20/07 01:10 PM

MOAN... I'm pissed at myself for smiling -- that was bad wink
Posted By: Bill Mc Ghee

Re: Smiles for the day - 07/20/07 01:42 PM

laugh Of course it was bad.. but it made you smile.. and thats the subject of the thread after all. whistle
Posted By: Amanda Syme

Re: Smiles for the day - 07/20/07 05:16 PM

Thieving seagull....

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/scotland/north_east/6907994.stm
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Smiles for the day - 07/20/07 09:17 PM

Well if magpies can do it.....
Posted By: Ruth1

Re: Smiles for the day - 07/20/07 09:37 PM

So Amanda was the gull arrested!
Posted By: Amanda Syme

Re: Smiles for the day - 07/20/07 09:44 PM

nah - the San Pedro police dept's on the case - so it could be a while before an arrest and conviction is made.
Posted By: elbert

Re: Smiles for the day - 07/20/07 10:01 PM

I'm changing my image. You guys remember Alfred?
He said;
"Most people don't act stupid:
it's the real thing!"
Alfred E Newman

"The reason many people are lost in thought
is because its unfamiliar territory!"
Alfred E Newman

"For every fatal shooting, there were roughly three non-fatal shootings. And, folks, this is unacceptable in America. It's just unacceptable. And we're going to do something about it."
Wait! ....no... I think that one is George Bush.

"I'm honored to shake the hand of a brave Iraqi citizen who had his hand cut off by Saddam Hussein."
....I'm sure that one was Bush!

"Who says nothing is impossible?
Some people do it every day!"
Alfred E Newman,.... I think,.. could go either way


www.eui.eu/.../Researchers/malamud/Idols.html
Posted By: seaexplore

Re: Smiles for the day - 07/24/07 01:54 AM

BUMP!
Posted By: Ernie B

Re: Smiles for the day - 07/24/07 02:16 AM

Elbert isnt that funny, IMO.
Posted By: Rykat

Re: Smiles for the day - 07/24/07 04:18 AM

Yeah but gotta give him credit for trying!
Posted By: Nova

Re: Smiles for the day - 07/24/07 12:48 PM

Personally, I believe that before you criticize someone you should walk a mile in their shoes.

That way, when you do, you're a mile away and you have their shoes! laugh
Posted By: seaexplore

Re: Smiles for the day - 07/24/07 04:50 PM

I don't know if this is over the line (let me know if it is) but I thought it was REALLY funny....

http://www.budinsider.com/2007/budtv/video.aspx
Posted By: elbert

Re: Smiles for the day - 07/24/07 07:22 PM

I thought it was pretty [#%!] funny, but I think everything is Funny.
Posted By: Rykat

Re: Smiles for the day - 07/24/07 08:39 PM

Thanks elbert, I forgot how to spell [#%!] (thought it was [%*#])! crazy

Think I posted this before..you gotta at least smile!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a9T7beIAo3I

this one's for you CJ
Posted By: elbert

Re: Smiles for the day - 07/24/07 10:08 PM

Yep that make me laugh
Posted By: Amanda Syme

Re: Smiles for the day - 07/26/07 12:03 AM

Has anyone seen Herman?

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man,
was drafted by the Army.

On his first day in basic training, the Army
issued him a comb.

That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.

On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.

That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.

On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap
The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.




Best Law Enforcement:

The LAPD, the FBI and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigation, they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads, they burn the forest, killing everything in it -- including the rabbit -- and make no apologies. "The rabbit had it coming."

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling, "Okay, okay, I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit."



How to properly place new employees:

1. Put 400 bricks in a closed room.

2. Put your new hires in the room and close the door.

3. Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours.

4. Then analyze the situation:


a. If they are counting the bricks, put them in the Accounting Department.

b. If they are recounting them, put them in Auditing.

c. If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks, put them in Engineering.

d. If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order, put them in Planning.

e. If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in Operations.

f. If they are sleeping, put them in Security.

g. If they have broken the bricks into pieces, put them in Information Technology.

h. If they are sitting idle, put them in Human Resources.

i. If they say they have tried different combinations, they are looking for more, yet not a brick has been moved, put them in Sales.

j. If they have already left for the day, put them in Marketing.

k. If they are staring out of the window, put them in Strategic Planning.

l. If they are talking to each other, and not a single brick has been moved, congratulate them and put them in Top Management .

Finally, if they have surrounded themselves with bricks in such a way that they can neither be seen nor heard from, put them in Congress.


Lawyer joke….

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine
when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.
Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got
out to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man
replied. "We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll
feed you," the lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me.
They are over there, under that tree."

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied. Turning to the
other poor man he stated, "You come with us, also."

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But
sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"

"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even
for a car as large as the limousine was.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the
lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you
for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really
love my place. The grass is almost a foot high."


Posted By: VT-CDN

Re: Smiles for the day - 07/27/07 02:03 AM

The guy's just trying to help!!!! The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman and was Somewhat upset. "You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me; a faithful wife and the mother of your children? I'm leaving you. I want a divorce straight away!" And the husband replied : "Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened." "Fine, go ahead," she sobbed," but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!" And the husband began - "Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments. Since she needed a good clean up I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't use because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't use because I don't have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't use just to annoy her, And I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't use because someone at work has a pair the same." The husband took a quick breath and continued - "She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, "Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?""
Posted By: ScubaLdy

Re: Smiles for the day - 07/28/07 05:00 AM

A True Story!


Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens
at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space
shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate
the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the
strength of the windshields.

British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on
the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made,
and a gun was sent to the British engineers.

When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken
hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield,
smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console,
snapped the engineer's backrest in two and embedded itself in the
back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow.

The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of the
experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the US
scientists for suggestions.

You're going to love this.

NASA responded with a one-line memo: "Defrost the chicken."



Posted By: tacogirl

Re: Smiles for the day - 08/02/07 07:54 PM

Don't Mess with the Parrot

One Late Evening, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty. Tiptoeing through the living room he suddenly froze when he heard a loud voice say: "Jesus is watching you!"

Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again

"Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again.

The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot.

He asked the parrot: "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?"

"Yes", said the parrot.

The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, and asked the parrot, "What's your name?"

"Clarence," said the bird.

"That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?"

The parrot said, "Same idiot who named the Rottweiller Jesus."
Posted By: ELDORADO-777

Re: Smiles for the day - 08/02/07 09:20 PM


A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near death experience. Seeing God, she asked," Is my time up?"
God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live. " Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, brow lift, lip enhancement, boob job, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was hit and killed by a car.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years? Why didn't you pull me out of the path of the car?"



God replied: "Giiirrrlllllll, I didn't even recognize you."
_________________________
Posted By: ScubaLdy

Re: Smiles for the day - 08/04/07 02:54 AM

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his help in reviving her husband's libido.

"What about trying Viagra?", asks the doctor. "Not a chance", she said. "He won't even take an aspirin".

"Not a problem", replied the doctor. "Give him an "Irish Viagra". It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it.

Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went." It wasn't a week later that she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to progress.

The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!"

"Really? What happened?" asked the doctor.

"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye, and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there, took me passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!"

"Why so terrible?" asked the doctor, "Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?"

"T'was the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!"
Posted By: Chachacoconut

Re: Smiles for the day - 08/04/07 12:55 PM


The Scottie Dog Who Knew Karate

There once was a young couple who lived in a town filled with crime. After three neighbors' houses had been robbed, the couple decided to get a guard dog.
So one day the wife went to the pet store and said, “I need a good guard dog.”

And the clerk replied, “Sorry, we're all sold out. All we have left is this little Scottie dog. But he knows karate.”

The wife didn't believe him so he said to the dog, "Karate that chair.”

The dog went up to the chair and broke it into pieces, then he said to the dog, “Karate that table.” The dog went up to the table and broke it in half.

So the wife bought the dog and took it home to her husband who was expecting a big guard dog. But then she told her husband that it knew karate, and he said “Karate my ass!”


Ouch!!!!!



Posted By: GBZ39

Re: Smiles for the day - 08/05/07 02:04 AM

letter from Son to Dad about college life....some 50 years ago...

No Mon, no fun, your son

Too Bad, so sad, your dad
Posted By: Chachacoconut

Re: Smiles for the day - 08/07/07 05:27 PM


>
>MARRIED LIFE - MAKES MY EYES TEAR UP, SUCH A HAPPY ENDING !A couple had
>only been married for two weeks and the husband, although very much in
>love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and par! ty with his old
>buddies.So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back.""Where are
>you going, Coochy Coo?" asked the wife."I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face,"
>he answered. I'm going to ! have a beer."The wife said, "You want a beer,
>my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25
>different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany,
>Holland, Japan, India, etc.The husband didn't know what to do, and the only
>thing that he could think of saying was, "! Yes, Lollipop... but at the
>bar... You know... they have frozen glasses... "He didn't get to finish the
>sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen
>glass, Puppy Face?" She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen
>that she was getting chills just holding it.The husband, looking a bit
>pale, said, "Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors
>d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long. I'll be! right
>back. I promise. OK?""You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?" She opened
>the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings,
>pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, and little quiches."But my sweet honey...
>at the bar. you know there's swearing, dirty words and all that...""You
>want dirty words, Cutie Pie? LISTEN UP CHICKEN SHIT! SIT YOUR ASS DOWN,
>SHUT THE HELL UP, DRINK YOUR BEER IN YOUR FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR HORS
>D'OEUVRES BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED ASS ISN'T GOING TO A DAMNED BAR! THAT SHIT
>IS OVER, GOT IT, JACKASS?"and...they lived happily ever after. Isn't that a
>sweet story? --
>
>
>
Posted By: Chachacoconut

Re: Smiles for the day - 08/10/07 02:30 PM


Jimmy received a parrot for Christmas. The parrot was fully grown, with a very bad attitude and worse vocabulary.

Every other word was an expletive; those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude. Jimmy tried to change the bird's attitude by constantly saying polite words, playing soft music... anything he could think of. Nothing worked.

He yelled at the bird, and the bird got worse. He shook the bird, and the bird got madder and more rude.

Finally, in a moment of desperation, Jimmy put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird swearing, squawking, kicking and screaming and then, suddenly, there was absolute quiet.

Jimmy was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird, and quickly opened the freezer door.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto Jimmy's extended arm and said, "I'm sorry that I offended you with my language and my actions, and I ask your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior".

Jimmy was astounded at the changes in the bird's attitude and was about to ask what had changed him, when the parrot continued, "May I ask what the Chicken did?" wink
Posted By: elbert

Re: Smiles for the day - 08/10/07 09:50 PM

http://www.seemoresideeffects.ca/
Lady's only
Posted By: Sun&sand

Re: Smiles for the day - 08/11/07 01:04 AM

Wow...is it hot in here or is it just me?
Posted By: seaexplore

Re: Smiles for the day - 08/13/07 04:38 AM

I got this one from one of my ex-students (don't I have great kids?)

The virgin girl is on the phone and asks her boyfriend to come over and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.
* * * * * * * * *
Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
* * * * * * * * *
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
* * * * * * * * *
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"
* * * * * * * * *
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.
* * * * * * * * *
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.
* * * * * * * * *
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
* * * * * * * * *
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."
* * * * * * * *
The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Smiles for the day - 08/13/07 05:31 AM

The man had rather lost his libido so his wife marched him off to the doctor. He prescribed Viagra and said they should come back in a week. When they returned the doctor asked the husband "Well, how is it going? Do you feel like a new man yet?". He was about to reply when his wife chipped in "I do".
Posted By: Chachacoconut

Re: Smiles for the day - 08/14/07 12:44 PM


IDIOT SIGHTING:
I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local
township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing
sign on our road. The reason: "Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I
don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore." From
Kingman , KS
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Smiles for the day - 08/14/07 02:47 PM

Rather like the small boy who commented that it was lucky Stonehenge had been built so close to a road.
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Smiles for the day - 08/14/07 02:48 PM

Originally Posted by Chachacoconut
Jimmy was astounded at the changes in the bird's attitude and was about to ask what had changed him, when the parrot continued, "May I ask what the Chicken did?" wink


But what did Jimmy reply?
Posted By: Chachacoconut

Re: Smiles for the day - 08/17/07 12:06 PM

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer — you're in the wrong place." So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in.

Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is becoming a pretty popular guy. One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and asks with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake — he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way! I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

‹ previous
Posted By: NYgal

Re: Smiles for the day - 08/17/07 01:11 PM

snicker.... wink
Posted By: seaexplore

Re: Smiles for the day - 08/27/07 06:20 AM

bump
Posted By: Chachacoconut

Re: Smiles for the day - 08/27/07 12:07 PM

Two brothers were always getting into trouble in their neighborhood. The people in the neighborhood started complaining to the parents about the boys. So the boys parents decided to have their priest talk to the boys. The priest asks to speak to the boys alone, requesting to see the youngest first. The young boy comes in and sits at a large table across the room from the priest. The priest looks at the boy, points at him and, trying to emphasize that God is in everyone, asks, "Where is God?" The boy looks around the room and back at the priest and says nothing. Again, the priest points at the boy and in a louder voice asks, "Where is God?" The boy says nothing. The priest walks around the table, pointing inches from the boy’s face and asks again, "Where is God?" The boy jumps out of his chair and runs out the door. The boy runs right home, grabs his older brother and says to him, "We are in BIG trouble!" His brother replies, "We haven't done anything!" The younger brother replies, "God's missing, and they think we did it!"
confused
Posted By: ScubaLdy

Re: Smiles for the day - 08/28/07 06:34 PM

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day the kids came back and one-by-one began to tell their stories. "Johnny, do you have a story to share?", the teacher asked.

"Yes ma'am," Johnny replied. "My daddy told me a story about my Aunt Nancy. She was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit.

"She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a small flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.
"She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed right in the middle of 20 enemy troops. She shot 15 of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed 4 more with the knife till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."

"Good heavens," cried the horrified teacher. "What kind of moral did your daddy give you from this horrible story?"

"Stay the hell away from Aunt Nancy when she's drinking."
Posted By: twocanphotogirl

Re: Smiles for the day - 08/28/07 06:42 PM

LOL.....
Posted By: elbert

Re: Smiles for the day - 08/29/07 04:20 PM


It's that time of year to take our annual senior citizen test."
Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As
we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert. If you don't
use it, you lose it! Below is a very private way to gauge your loss
or non-loss of intelligence.

There are only 5 questions, so don't get all excited and confused yet.

Take the test presented here to determine if you're losing it or not.
The spaces between the question and answers below are there are so
you don't see the correct answers until you've made your answer.

OK, relax, clear your mind and begin.

1. What do you put in a toaster?

Answer: "bread." If you said "toast," maybe you should give up now
and do something else. Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, bread,
go to Question 2.

2. Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk." What do cows drink?

Answer: Cows drink water. If you said "milk," maybe you shouldn't
even attempt to answer the next question. Your brain is apparently
over-stressed and may even overheat.
Content yourself with reading a more appropriate literature such as
Auto World. However, if you said "water", proceed to question 3.

3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made
from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a
black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made
from?

Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said "green bricks,"
why are you still reading these???
If you said "glass," go on to Question 4.

4. It's twenty years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over
Germany (If you will recall , Germany at the time was politically
divided into West Germany and East Germany ) Anyway, during the
flight, TWO engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last
remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing
procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before he can do so and the
plane fatally crashes smack in the middle of "no man's land" between
East Germany and West Germany Where would you bury the survivors?
East Germany , West Germany , or no man's land"?

Answer: You don't bury survivors.

If you said ANYTHING else, you're in real bad shape and for your own
sake you must stop. If you said, "You don't bury survivors", proceed
to the next question.

5. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to
Milford Haven in Wales In London, 17 people get on the bus;
InReading , six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In
Swindon , two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff , 11 people
get off and 16 people get on. In Swansea , three people get off and
five people get on In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on.
You then arrive at Milford Haven. What was the name of the bus
driver?

Answer: Oh, for crying out loud!

Don't you remember your own name? Or have you forgotten it was YOU
driving the BUS!!

PS: 95% of people fail most of the questions!!
Posted By: Ernie B

Re: Smiles for the day - 08/29/07 04:27 PM

Guess whut ? I flunked all 5 frown Woe is me.
Posted By: Leah-Ann

Re: Smiles for the day - 08/29/07 07:00 PM

baby cows drink milk...
Posted By: Bill Mc Ghee

Re: Smiles for the day - 08/29/07 07:07 PM

I may be old But my mind still functions I got all 5 correct.
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Smiles for the day - 08/30/07 02:35 AM

You'd be amazed how many people give the wrong answer to "who wrote Beethoven's 5th symphony?". It's a standard question in a test designed to weed out job applicants.
Posted By: ScubaLdy

Re: Smiles for the day - 08/30/07 05:17 AM

Remember the old "Who's burried in Grants Tomb?
Posted By: elbert

Re: Smiles for the day - 08/30/07 03:22 PM

Its all attitude
I know a 70 year old woman that still dives the Blue Hole
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Smiles for the day - 08/30/07 04:10 PM

Pitfalls of translation in the diplomatic world:-

An Australian envoy tried to tell his French audience that as he looked back on his career, it was divided in two parts. But his French sparked unintended laughter: "When I look at my backside, I find it is divided into two parts."

A diplomat recalled a speech he gave on a visit to Palembang shortly after he had arrived on a posting in Indonesia:-
"Ladies and gentlemen, on behalf of my wife and myself, I want to say how delighted we are to be in Palembang," he said in English.

The interpreter said something entirely different. "Ladies and gentlemen, on top of my wife, I am delighted to be in Palembang."

The former Australian prime minister Bob Hawke left his Japanese audience bewildered when he used the Australian colloquial phrase "I am not here to play funny buggers" to dismiss a trivial question.

"For Japanese interpreters, however, this was a real problem. They went into a huddle to consult on the best way to render 'funny buggers' into Japanese," Mr Woolcott wrote.

The interpreters told him they had then told the audience: "I am not here to play laughing homosexuals with you".

Australia's Labour Party leader Kevin Rudd, now a master of Mandarin, struggled with the language as a young diplomat in 1984 when he interpreted his ambassador's speech on the close relationship between Australia and China.

"Australia and China are enjoying simultaneous orgasms in their relationship," Mr Woolcott quoted Rudd as telling the audience in Mandarin.
Posted By: ScubaLdy

Re: Smiles for the day - 08/30/07 04:56 PM

MY BLONDE DAUGHTER WILL HATE ME BUT . . .

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one
blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away...
Florida or the moon?"
The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida
?????"

CAR TROUBLE

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station.
She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

SPEEDING TICKET

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks
her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together.
Just yesterday you take away my license and
then today you expect me to show it to you!"

RIVER WALK

There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde
on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts
back, "You ARE on the other side."

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office
and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed,
then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee
and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed.
Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?
"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."

KNITTING

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.
Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the
blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the
trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled,
"PULL OVER!"
"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"

BLONDE ON THE SUN

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.
The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their
heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"

IN A VACUUM

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She
rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If
you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs,
and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that
one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs!"


Posted By: pugwash

Re: Smiles for the day - 09/01/07 04:47 AM


HAS ANYONE ELSE NOTICED HOW 2 WOMEN WHO HAVE NEVER MET BEFORE CAN BECOME INSTANT ALLIES WHEN PICKING ON US MEN FOLK?

MY WIFE AND I WERE ON A CRUISE 2 YEARS AGO, AND WE HAD A DAY IN PHILLIPSBURG, ST MAARTEN. WE WERE DOING THE TOURIST THING CHECKING OUT THE SHOPS, AND FOUND A WONDERFUL STORE FULL OF EXQUISITE WOOD CARVINGS..

THE YOUNG LADY IN THE STORE SHOWED US ONE PARTICULARLY BEAUTIFUL PIECE THAT SHE BEGAN TO DESCRIBE FOR US….

“THIS IS WOMAN OF THE WORLD…….SHE IS LOVING, HARD WORKING AND FAITHFUL, BLESSED WITH WISDOM, GRACE AND PATIENCE”

ALL THIS SOUNDED GREAT TO ME, BUT WHEN I ASKED IF SHE TOOK TRADE INS, THE 2 OF THEM CHASED ME FROM THE STORE!!!
Posted By: tacogirl

Re: Smiles for the day - 09/05/07 04:39 PM

Smells for the day

When I read this today I thought it may help clear a few things up. Also gives a good excuse for making a stinky ha ha.

Never hold your farts in. They travel up your spine, into your brain, and that is where shitty ideas come from.
Posted By: Chachacoconut

Re: Smiles for the day - 09/06/07 12:23 PM



While crossing the street one day a Jamaican MP (Member of Parliament) is
tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met
by St. Peter at the entrance.
'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter. 'Before you settle in, it seems there
is a problem. We have never had a Jamaican high official around these
parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'

'No problem, just let me in,' says the man.

'Well, I'd like to,
but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have
you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to
spend eternity.'

'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the Member of
Parliament.

'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.' And with that, St. Peter escorts him to
the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course.
In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his
friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is shaking his hand, and reminiscing about the good times they had
while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and
champagne. Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy
who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a
good
time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises to
heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

'Now it's time to visit heaven.'

So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls
moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good
time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter
returns.

'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose
your eternity.'

The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never
have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would
be better off in hell.'

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to
hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land
covered with waste and garbage. He
sees all his friends, dressed in rags,
picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from
above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.

'I don't understand,' stammers the senator. 'Yesterday I was here and there
was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank
champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland
full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?'
The devil looks at him, smiles and says, 'Yesterday we were
campaigning......
Today you voted'.




--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Connect to the next generation of MSN Messenger Get it now!

Posted By: elbert

Re: Smiles for the day - 09/06/07 05:41 PM

oh thats a good one ,saved that to a file.
Posted By: Amanda Syme

Re: Smiles for the day - 09/06/07 06:39 PM

Surgeon joke

A very successful plastic surgeon parked his brand new Porsche Carrera GT in
front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out,
a truck came along too close to the curb and completely tore off the
driver's door.

Fortunately, a cop in a police car was close enough to see the accident and
pulled up behind the Porsche, his lights flashing. But, before the cop had
a chance to ask any questions, the doctor started screaming hysterically
about how his Porsche, which he had just picked up the day before, was now
completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how hard the body
shop tries to make it new again.

After the doctor finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in
disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you doctors are,"
he said.
"You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important
things in life."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the doctor.

The cop replied, "Don't you even realize that your left arm is missing? It
got ripped off when the truck hit you!!!"

"OH, MY GOD!" screamed the surgeon.

(Scroll down)























"MY ROLEX!"
Posted By: twocanphotogirl

Re: Smiles for the day - 09/07/07 12:24 AM

LOL....LOL....Too Funny...LOL
Posted By: Chachacoconut

Re: Smiles for the day - 09/07/07 05:26 PM

Sitting Behind Nuns at a Ballgame



SITTING BEHIND A COUPLE OF NUNS AT A BASEBALL GAME
(WHOSE HEAD GEAR PARTIALLY BLOCKED THE VIEW),
THREE MEN DECIDED TO BADGER THE NUNS
IN AN EFFORT TO GET THEM TO MOVE.


IN A VERY LOUD VOICE, THE FIRST GUY SAID, "I THINK I'M GOING

TO MOVE TO UTAH, THERE ARE ONLY 100 NUNS LIVING THERE."


THE SECOND GUY SPOKE UP AND SAID,
"I WANT TO GO TO MONTANA, THERE ARE ONLY 5O NUNS LIVING THERE."


THE THIRD GUY SAID, "I WANT TO GO TO IDAHO,
THERE ARE ONLY 25 NUNS LIVING THERE."


ONE OF THE NUNS TURNED AROUND, LOOKED AT THE MEN,

AND IN A VERY SWEET, CALM, VOICE SAID,
"WHY DON'T YOU GO TO HELL ... THERE AREN'T ANY NUNS THERE."
cry
Posted By: Bill Mc Ghee

Re: Smiles for the day - 09/08/07 04:46 PM

Get Out Of The Car!!

(This is a true account recorded in the Police Log of Sarasota, FL.)

An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car,
found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her
shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of
her lungs, "I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!"

The four men didn't wait for a second threat. They got out and ran like
mad. The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags
into the back of the car and got into the drivers seat. She was so
shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and
tried, and then she realized why. It was the same reason she wondered
why there was a football, a Frisbee and two 12 packs of beer in the
front seat.

A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces
farther down. She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police
station to report her mistake. The sergeant to whom she told the story
couldn't stop laughing. He pointed to the other end of the counter,
where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman
described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair
and carrying a large handgun.

No charges were filed.

Moral of the story?

If you're going to have a Senior Moment, Make it memorable.
Posted By: Bill Mc Ghee

Re: Smiles for the day - 09/08/07 05:09 PM

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House in D.C.; one from New Jersey , another from Tennessee and the third, from Florida . They go with a White House official to examine the fence.



The Florida contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well", he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."




The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."




The New Jersey contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700"




The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"




The New Jersey contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence."




"Done!" replies the government official.




And that friends, is how it all works!!
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Smiles for the day - 09/08/07 07:22 PM

I wish that weren't true.
Posted By: seaexplore

Re: Smiles for the day - 09/11/07 04:37 AM

oh so true......
Posted By: Chachacoconut

Re: Smiles for the day - 09/11/07 02:51 PM


An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise
ship holding her hat
on tightly so that it would not blow off in the wind.
A gentleman approached
her and said: "Pardon me, madam. I do not intend
to be forward, but did you know that your dress is
blowing up in this high
wind?" "Yes, I know," said the lady, "I need both
hands to hold onto this
hat." "But, madam, you must know that your privates
are exposed!" said the
gentleman in earnest. The woman looked down, then
back up at the man and
replied, "Sir anything you see down there is 85 years
old. I just bought
this hat yesterday!"
blush
Posted By: Bill Mc Ghee

Re: Smiles for the day - 09/12/07 07:42 PM

Dear Abby,

I've never written to you before, but I need your advice.
I have suspected for some time now that my wife is cheating on me.
The usual signs; if my phone rings, I pick it up,and the person on the other end hangs up. My wife has been "going out with the girls" alot recently, although when I ask their names, she always responds,"Just some friends from work; you don't know them."
I always try to stay awake to look out for her coming home, but I usually fall asleep.

Anyways, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down, I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night, she went out again, and I really checked on her.
Around midnight, I decided to hide in the garage behind my golf
clubs so that I could get a good view of the whole street when she arrived home from her night out with "the girls."
When she got out of the car, she was buttoning up her blouse, which was open, and she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.
It was at that moment, crouching behind my clubs, when I noticed
that the graphite shaft on my driver appeared to have a hairline crack right by the clubhead.

Is this something I can fix myself, or should I take it back to the pro shop where I bought it?

Signed,
Perplexed
Posted By: Leah-Ann

Re: Smiles for the day - 09/12/07 08:05 PM

A man goes out and buys the best car available anywhere, a 2008 Turbo BeepBeep. It is the best and most expensive car in the world and it runs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and, while doing so, stops for a red light. An old man on a moped, both looking about 90 years old, pulls up next to him.

The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks, "What kind of car ya got there, sonny?".

The dude replies "A 2008 Turbo BeepBeep. They cost $500,000."

"That's a lotta money!" says the old man, shocked. "Why does it cost so much?"

"Cause this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the cool dude proudly.

The old man asks "Can I take a look inside?"

"Sure" replies the owner.

So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says "That's a pretty nice car, alright!"

Just then the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 320. Suddenly, the guy notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer!

Whhhoooooooooossssshhhhhh! Something whips by him! Going maybe three times as fast!

The guy wonders, "what on earth could be going faster than my Turbo BeepBeep?" Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him.

Whooooooooooosh! Goes by again! And it almost looked like the old man on the moped! Couldn't be thinks the guy. How could a moped outrun a Turbo BeepBeep? Again, he sees a dot in his rearview mirror!

WhoooooooshhhhhhhhKa-BbbbblaMMMMM! It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end.

The guy jumps out and discovers it is the old man! Of course, the moped and the old man are hurting for certain. The guy runs up to the old man and asks "You're hurt bad! Is there anything I can do for you?"

The old man replies "Yeah. Unhook my suspenders from the side-view mirror on your car!"
Posted By: twocanphotogirl

Re: Smiles for the day - 09/12/07 09:21 PM

LOL....Chuckle chuckle...Too funny!
Posted By: Chachacoconut

Re: Smiles for the day - 09/13/07 01:16 PM

A Saint's Spelling Bee
A woman who died found herself standing outside the Pearly Gates, being greeted by St. Peter.

She asked him, "Oh, is this place what I really think it is? It's so beautiful. Did I really make it to heaven?"

To which St. Peter replied, "Yes, my dear, these are the Gates to Heaven. But you must do one more thing before you can enter."

The woman was very excited, and asked of St. Peter what she must do to pass through the gates.

"Spell a word," St. Peter replied. "What word?" she asked.

"Any word," answered St. Peter. "It's your choice." The woman promptly replied, "Then the word I will spell is love. L-o-v-e."

St. Peter congratulated her on her good fortune to have made it to Heaven, and asked her if she would mind taking his place at the gates for a few minutes while he went to the bathroom.

"I'd be honored," she said, "but what should I do if someone comes while you are gone?"

St. Peter reassured her, and instructed the woman to simply have any newcomers to the Pearly Gates to spell a word as she had done.

So the woman is left sitting in St. Peter's chair and watching the beautiful angels soaring around her when a man approaches the gates. She realizes it is her husband.

"What happened?" she cried, "Why are you here?"

Her husband stared at her for a moment, then said, "I was so drunk when I left your funeral, I was in an accident. And now I am here? Did I really make it to Heaven?"

To which the woman replied, "Not yet. You must spell a word first."

"What word?" he asked.

The woman responded, "Czechoslovakia."
Posted By: Chachacoconut

Re: Smiles for the day - 09/15/07 12:43 PM

During late spring one year, a blonde was trying out her new boat. Try as she might, she couldn't get it to run. After trying fruitlessly for over three days, she decided to seek help.

She putted the boat over to the local marina in hopes that somThe Young Blonde and the Sea
eone there could identify her problem. Workers determined that everything from the engine to the outdrive was working perfectly on the topside of the boat.

So, a puzzled marina employee jumped into the water to check underneath the boat for problems, and there he found one. Under the boat, still strapped in place securely, was the trailer.
grin
Posted By: Sun&sand

Re: Smiles for the day - 09/16/07 01:47 PM

UPS Aircraft Maintenance
"Gripe Sheets"

After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet,"
which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics
correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then
pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be
said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual
maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots (marked with a P) and
the
solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an
accident.

: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

: Something loose in cockpit
: Something tightened in cockpit

: Dead bugs on windshield.
: Live bugs on back-order.

: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute
descent

: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
: Evidence removed.

: DME volume unbelievably loud.
: DME volume set to more believable level.

: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
: That's what friction locks are for.

: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

: Suspected crack in windshield.
: Suspect you're right.

: Number 3 engine missing.
: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

. Aircraft handles funny.
: Aircraft warned to: straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

: Target radar hums.
: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

: Mouse in cockpit.
: Cat installed.

And the best one for last...

: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
pounding on something with a hammer.
: Took hammer away from midget
Posted By: elbert

Re: Smiles for the day - 09/17/07 03:30 PM

Scenario : Jack pulls into school parking lot with rifle in gun rack.
1956 - Vice Principal comes over, takes a look a Jack's rifle,
goes to his car and gets his to show Jack.
2007 - School goes into lockdown, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail
and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for
traumatized students and teachers.

Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.
1956 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake
hands and end up best friends. Nobody goes to jail,
nobody arrested, nobody expelled.
2007 - Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark.
Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it.

Scenario: Jason won't be still in class, disrupts other students.
1956 - Jason sent to office and given a good paddling by Principal.
Sits still in class
2007 - Jason given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. School
gets extra
money from state because Jason has a disability.


Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his father's car and his Dad gives
him a whipping.
1956 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to
college, and becomes a successful businessman.
2007 - Billy's Dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to
foster care and joins a gang. Billy's sister is told by state
psychologist that she remembers being abused herself and their Dad
goes to prison. Billy's mom has affair with psychologist.
Posted By: Amanda Syme

Re: Smiles for the day - 09/17/07 04:17 PM

Hey Elbert - this is called SMILES for the Day. Not roll up the sidewalks and stay at home.

Come on, you can do better than that!
Posted By: ScubaLdy

Re: Smiles for the day - 09/17/07 05:08 PM

I thought it was pretty funny!
Posted By: elbert

Re: Smiles for the day - 09/17/07 05:41 PM

I've never been good at telling jokes,...but you knew that
Posted By: dogmatic prevaricator

Re: Smiles for the day - 09/17/07 06:32 PM

Scenario: young dogmatic prevaricator takes apart leftover firecrackers from the 4th of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a red ant bed.

1956 - Ants die.

2007 - BATF, Homeland Security, FBI called. Young dogmatic charged with domestic terrorism, FBI investigates parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated, parents and grand pappy prevaricator goes on a terror watch list and are never allowed to fly again.
Posted By: Nova

Re: Smiles for the day - 09/17/07 07:02 PM

Sun&Sand...UPS joke - Funny, funny, funny! Thanks!
Posted By: Leah-Ann

Re: Smiles for the day - 09/17/07 08:34 PM

Elbert, as ridiculous as all that stuff sounds - you would be surprised at how much of it ends up in Juvenile Court these days. What a waste!
Posted By: Sir Isaac Newton

Re: Smiles for the day - 09/19/07 09:44 PM

[Linked Image]
Posted By: Amanda Syme

Re: Smiles for the day - 09/19/07 09:50 PM

With the recent incident in the news I thought I would dig this one back out of the archives:


Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. This was submitted by a guy who purchased his lovely wife a "Pocket Taser" for their anniversary.
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Toni.
What I came across was a 100,000 volt,pocket/ purse sized taser. The effects of the taser were suppose to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety .
WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed.
I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
Awesome!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?!!! There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat.
But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want! some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, taser in another.
The directions said that a one second burst Would shock and disorient your assailant; a two second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4" in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries, thinking to myself, "no possible way!" What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best..... I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "Don't do it, Master," reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION@ !@$$!%_!@ *!!! I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs.
The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!" Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: There is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative. SON-OF-A-.. that hurt like h_ _ _!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles? I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.
Still in shock,
Numb nuts
Posted By: elbert

Re: Smiles for the day - 09/19/07 10:16 PM

Irony of humor is the closer to the truth the funnier.
wink my humor could hardly be used as a weapon of mass hilarity.
Posted By: Bill Mc Ghee

Re: Smiles for the day - 09/20/07 10:38 PM

She was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast.
He walked in; She turned and said,
You've got to make love to me this very moment.'
His eyes lit up and he thought,





'This is my lucky day.'
Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraced her
and then gave it his all;
Right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said,



'Thanks,'
and returned to the stove.
More than a little puzzled, he asked,



'What was that all about?'
She explained,
'The egg timer's broken.'

Posted By: belizeonthebeach

Re: Smiles for the day - 09/21/07 05:07 PM

Bill Clinton is getting $12 million for his memoirs.

Hillary got $8 million for hers.

That's $20 million for memories from two people, who for eight years,repeatedly testified, under oath, that they couldn't remember anything.

IS THIS A GREAT COUNTRY, OR WHAT?
Posted By: Chachacoconut

Re: Smiles for the day - 09/22/07 11:34 AM

-----Walking through San Francisco's Chinatown, a
>>> tourist from the Midwest was enjoying the artistry
>>> of all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and
>>> banners when he turned a corner and saw a building
>>> with the sign "Moshe Plotnik's Laundry." "Moshe
>>> Plotnik?" he wondered. "How does that belong in
>>> Chinatown?"
>>>
>>> He walked into the shop and saw a fairly standard
>>> looking dry cleaner, although he could see that the
>>> proprietors were clearly aware of the uniqueness of
>>> the store name as there were baseball hats, T-shirts
>>> and coffee mugs emblazoned with the logo "Moshe
>>> Plotnik's Chinese Laundry."
>>>
>>> The tourist selected a coffee cup as a
>>> conversation piece to take back to his office.
>>> Behind the counter was a smiling old Chinese
>>> gentleman who thanked him for his purchase. The
>>> tourist asked, "Can you explain how this place got a
>>> name like 'Moshe Plotnik's Laundry?'
>>>
>>> The old man answered, "Ah...Evleebody ask me that
>>> . It name of owner."
>>>
>>> Looking around, the tourist asked, "Is he here?"
>>>
>>> "It me," replies the old man.
>>>
>>> "Really? You're Chinese. How did you ever get a
>>> name like Moshe Plotnik?"
>>>
>>> "Is simple", said the old man. "Many, many year
>>> ago I come to this country. I standing in line at
>>> "Documentation Center of Immigration." Man in front
>>> of me was Jewish man from Poland. Lady at counter
>>> look at him and say, "What your name?" He say,
>>> "Moshe Plotnik."
>>>
>>> Then she look at me and say, "What's your name?"
>>>
>>> I say, "Sam Ting." wink
>
Posted By: Chachacoconut

Re: Smiles for the day - 09/22/07 11:55 AM


Subject: AN ATHEIST IN THE WOODS///
> >Date: Thu, 20 Sep 2007 04:26:46 -0700 (PDT)
> >
> >An atheist was walking through the woods and said to himself, 'What
> >majestic trees!' /
> >/'What powerful rivers!'/
> >/'What beautiful animals!'/
> >/As he walked alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes
> >behind him. He turned to look and saw a 7-foot grizzly charge towards
> >him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his
> >shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him. /
> >/He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. He
> >tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but
> >saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his
> >left paw and raising his right paw to strike him. At that instant, the
> >
> >Atheist cried out, 'Oh God!' //Time Stopped./
> >/The bear froze.//The forest was silent./
> >/As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.
> >'You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist,
> >
> >and even credit creation to cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help
> >you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?' /
> >/The atheist looked directly into the light and said, 'It would be
> >hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now,
> >but perhaps, You could make the BEAR a Christian?' /
> >/'Very Well,' said the voice./
> >/The light went out./
> >/The sounds of the forest resumed./
> >/The bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his
> >head, and spoke: /
> >//
> >/'Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty
> >through Christ our Lord, Amen.' /
> >
> >
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Smiles for the day - 09/22/07 01:55 PM

Bob Monkhouse was an English stand-up comedian. During one turn some time ago he was recounting how he got into the profession. As he said "they laughed at me when as a child I said I wanted to go on the stage and become a comedian. Well, it's thirty years on and I did it. They're not laughing now!".
Posted By: carl 60

Re: Smiles for the day - 09/23/07 12:47 AM

Blarney went to his doctor accompanied by his son to find out his test results.
The doctor said Blarney me lad I have bad news you only have 6 weeks to live.
His son was in shock but Blarney says to him I've led a long and happy life lets go to the pub and have a pint to celebrate my life.
well it wasn't long before word got out that Blarney was dying and one friend walked up and says Blarney me lad sorry to here your not long for this world,Aye says Blarney and the friend
says what have you got lad.
Blarney replies Aids and the friend walks away,his son says dad why did you tell him you were dying from aids?
Blarney replies I'll not want my friends to come visiting your mother after I'm gone
Posted By: Chachacoconut

Re: Smiles for the day - 09/23/07 10:37 AM

Only in America ......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of

the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.




Only in America ......do people order

double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.





Only in America ......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.





Only in America ......do we leave cars

worth thousands of dollars in the

driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.




Only in America ......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.




Only in America ......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.




Only in America ......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.




EVER WONDER ....




Why the sun lightens our hair,
but darkens our skin ?




Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?




Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?




Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?




Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?




Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?




Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?




Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?




Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food? < /B>




Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?





Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?





You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!




Why don't sheep shrink when it rains? < BR>



Why are they called apartments when

they are all stuck together?




If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?




If flying is so safe,
why do they call the airport the terminal?


shocked
Posted By: Chachacoconut

Re: Smiles for the day - 09/23/07 01:31 PM

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.
She says, "Hello."
He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.
So he says, "Do you know me?"
To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids." blush


Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says,
"My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???"
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."
cry
Posted By: Otteralum

Re: Smiles for the day - 09/23/07 05:29 PM

lol!!!!! now, that's good!
Posted By: Rykat

Re: Smiles for the day - 09/23/07 07:49 PM

laugh laugh laugh
Posted By: klcman

Re: Smiles for the day - 09/24/07 01:43 PM

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye....It reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES
He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought..…..soon he sees another sign which reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES
Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT
His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, 'What may we do for you my son?” He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business....'” “Very well my son. Please follow me.' He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, 'Please knock on this door.' He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door... This nun instructs, 'Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.' He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him. The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:

GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER .
Posted By: Chachacoconut

Re: Smiles for the day - 09/24/07 09:38 PM

Does It Hurt When I Do This?
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and claims that her body hurts wherever she touches it.

"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."

The redhead takes her finger, pushes on her left knee and screams in pain. Then she pushes her elbow and screams in even more. She pushes her stomach and screams and then she pushes her ankle and screams even louder. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?

"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."
Posted By: KC Jayhawk

Re: Smiles for the day - 09/25/07 04:55 PM

Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Maude: What in the hell is that?

Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Maude: Where did you get it?

Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."

The pharmacist fainted.
Posted By: Bill Mc Ghee

Re: Smiles for the day - 09/25/07 07:04 PM

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a
surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'
'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'
'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's
good. Did you know babies are my speciality?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat' After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'
'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.

'My, that's a lot!' gasped Mrs. Smith.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

'Oh my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider her mother was so difficult to work with.'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look.'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots.
Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had
to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, um...equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'

'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'

Mrs. Smith fainted.
Posted By: Leah-Ann

Re: Smiles for the day - 09/25/07 07:54 PM

boy, there's a lot of fainting going on around here today! laugh
Posted By: Chachacoconut

Re: Smiles for the day - 09/26/07 12:41 PM

Subject: THE OTHER STALL





This could happen to you.

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying:
"Hi, how are you?"

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed,
"Doin' just fine!"

And the other person says:
"So what are you up to?"

What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say:
"Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!"


At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question.
"Can I come over?"

Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell them
"No..I'm a little busy right now!!!"

Then I hear the person say nervously...

"Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions."




Cell [color:#006600]
phones, don't you just love them. eek


[/color]
Posted By: DGrefreshed

Re: Smiles for the day - 09/26/07 01:54 PM

That was Larry Craig's problem!!!!! hahahahahahaha
Posted By: Chachacoconut

Re: Smiles for the day - 09/28/07 10:55 AM

I rear ended a car this morning...
I knew it was going to be a REALLY bad day.
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!
He looked up at me and said, "I am NOT happy".
I said, "Well, which one ARE you then?"
That's when the fight started!!!
whistle
Posted By: Bobber

Re: Smiles for the day - 09/28/07 03:26 PM

Chacha, your sense of humor is just awesome. Keep it up. smile
Posted By: Julian Foster

Re: Smiles for the day - 09/28/07 04:03 PM

A Methodist Minister and a Priest were discussing just where "Life Begins". The minister was convinced that life begins with conception whereas the priest considered birth as the correct spot.

A Jewish Rabbi approached them and they asked him to listen to their reasoned arguments and let him decide. He agreed, listened and then pointed his finger at both of them. "Men," he said, "neither of you has any idea of this subject... none at all!"

He then leaned over and quietly said "Life really begins when the last child leaves the house and the dog dies!!"

Posted By: Amanda Syme

Re: Smiles for the day - 09/28/07 05:52 PM

Sign over a Gynecologist's office:

"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

**************************

In a Podiatrist's office:

"Time wounds all heels."

**************************

On a Septic Tank Truck:

Yesterday's Meals on Wheels

**************************

At a Proctologist's door:

"To expedite your visit please back in."

**************************

On a Plumber's truck:

"We repair what your husband fixed."

**************************

On another Plumber's truck:

"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.."

**************************

On a Church's Billboard:

"7 days without God makes one weak."

**************************

At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee :

"Invite us to your next blowout."

**************************

At a Towing company:

"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

**************************

On an Electrician's truck:

"Let us remove your shorts."

**************************

In a Nonsmoking Area:

"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

**************************

On a Maternity Room door:

"Push. Push. Push."

**************************

At an Optometrist's Office:

"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

**************************

On a Taxidermist's window:

"We really know our stuff."

**************************

On a Fence:

"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"

**************************

At a Car Dealership:

"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

**************************

Outside a Muffler Shop:

"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

**************************

In a Veterinarian's waiting room:

"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

**************************

At the Electric Company

"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.

However, if you don't, you will be."

**************************

In a Restaurant window:

"Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up."

**************************

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:

"Drive carefully. We'll wait."

**************************

At a Propane Filling Station:

"Thank heaven for little grills."

**************************

Radiator Shop:

"Best place in town to take a leak."
Posted By: carl 60

Re: Smiles for the day - 09/28/07 06:17 PM

When Women reach middle age it will cause men to pause
Posted By: elbert

Re: Smiles for the day - 09/29/07 03:13 PM

Dido Bobber good one
Posted By: Rykat

Re: Smiles for the day - 09/29/07 07:00 PM

laugh laugh laugh laugh
Posted By: Barnacle

Re: Smiles for the day - 09/29/07 07:15 PM

on the side of a garbage truck
"satisfaction guaranteed or double your trash back."
Posted By: reaper

Re: Smiles for the day - 09/29/07 11:52 PM

After an evening of dancing,drinking and passion a man woke up next to his date.

He looked at a picture of a handsome young man on the night stand.

A bit worried he asked her.."Is that your boyfriend or husband?"

"No" she whispered while biting his earlobe.

"Your brother?"

"No silly", as she kissed the nape of his neck playfully.

"Well then who IS that?" he asked confused and concerned.

"Oh, darling...thats ME...right before the operation..."
Posted By: CanBrit

Re: Smiles for the day - 09/30/07 07:23 AM

yer I know..bad taste..black humor


I was gonna post this on a differnat thread regarding crocs..but maybe more suitable here. True stories btw

"over heard when I lived in Fla...Woman is distraught when an aligator ate her poodle...over heard the cop saying " at least we get no more complaints about it barking all day"

A Buddy gets his foot blown off in action, awaiting medivac he asks the medic about his leg..medic replies " the good news is your now officially foot loose and fancy free" the casualty starts laughing and says "I should sue the bastards" the medic says" don't bother you haven't a leg to stand on". True story from the Falklands war...

My wife a nurse...had to deal with a guy who didn't make it from surgery, she told me she couldn't stop laughing when body tagging the guy. Apparantly he was a double amputee and no toes for the tag so had to use the next available digit!!!

A Welsh guardsmen was seriouly injured after an exocet attack, he asked the medic how bad it was and the medic told him he had a bad groin wound. The casualty replied it was a good job he had inches to spare.

Real dive stories

A novice member of our dive party was a typical easy target.

a. Boasting about his new dive computer (in those days these were a novelty) telling us how accurate it was etc..ie he had dived 11.7m. How about that for accurracy he said..until we pointed out it was November the 7th.

b. He decides to use a 15ltr steel tank as it will give him more air. He ignores our advise that if wearing a skin and using a steel tank..he won't need weight. So he puts on his 20lb belt and rolls off the rubber duck. We gave him a few mins before we went down to lift him off his back at 10m..even his jacket couldn't move him off the bottom.

c. He ignores advise about tucking in his guages and octopus before rolling off a rubber duck. Left him hanging upside down hooked up on the lanyard for a few mins as a lesson while we creased up laughing. At least he put his reg in his mouth..lol

d. Ice diving in Germany, spend 2 hours cutting a hole in the ice with axes... we are 4 instructors, all roped up and ready to go. The hole is a masterpiece, 6foot wide, we all jump..straight into thigh deep water. Its what happens when you cut a hole in the ice over the only sand bank in the lake.

e. Diving the An-An wreck off Jeddah, deco on the prow and see one of the dive boat crew spear fishing above us. We see a Tiger shark looking interested in the guys fish belt..luckily so does the crew man so he unhooks the belt and for what ever reason panics and seeing us sitting at 6m dives back down to us and hands the belt to my buddy who promptly hooked it back on to the guys trailing spear gun as he swam off as fast as possible. No damage..but the crew mans pants were messy...lol

f. Buddy collapses drunk on the beach on a remote desert coast..out cold. Along the beach comes a camel herd so a trail of bread buns is laid, the last one is placed on buddies groin. With cameras ready.. for some reason he awakens just in time to see a very pregnant camel about to munch on his nether regions. You have never seen a drunk move so fast.

g.Buddy decides he is gonna use his tent...he's nuts, it's 100% humidity, 130+F..he will cook. We collect a box of ghost crabs, throw em in the tent and tie the zip off with a tie wrap...last seen rolling down the beach in a tent screaming...:)

f....and finally...on the belizean mainland inthe 80's....rent a small boat from a local..load the bottles and gear, jump in...and sink about 50m later. Local has done a runner and to add to injury..we had to pay for the boat...it wasn't even the locals too rent..lol

If it wasn't for humor we'd all die of depression.
Posted By: pugwash

Re: Smiles for the day - 10/02/07 05:22 AM

These are the only ten times in history the "F" word has been acceptable for use...

10. "What the @#$% was that?"
-Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945
9. "Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?"
-Custer, 1876
8. "Ay @#$%ing idiot could understand that."
-Einstein, 1938
7. "It does so @#$%ing look like her!"
-Picasso, 1926
6. "Geez, I didn't think they'd get this @%#*ing mad."
-Saddam Hussain, 2003
5. "How the @#$% did you work that out?"
-Pythagorus, 126 BC
4. "You want WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling?"
- Michelangelo,1566
3. "Where the @#$% are we?"
-Amelia Earhart, 1937
2. "Scattered @#$%ing showers.... my ass!"
-Noah, 4314 BC


And . . . drum roll . . . . .


1. "Aw c'mon, Monica, Who the @#$% is going to find out?"
-Bill Clinton, 1999

Posted By: Chachacoconut

Re: Smiles for the day - 10/02/07 12:33 PM

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.

They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment. She notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.

There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall!

It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.

There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.

She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears, but doesn't mention this to him. She is quite impressed by his sensitive side.

They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after awhile, she finds herself thinking, 'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father of my children?'

She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds warmly.

They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love. She is so over whelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.

After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow.

The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, "Well, how was it?"

The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says, "Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf." blush
Posted By: Chachacoconut

Re: Smiles for the day - 10/02/07 12:53 PM



ACTUAL COMMENTS .......
>
> >>A Colonoscopy is no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite
> >>humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments
> >>made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their
> >>colonoscopy:
> >>
> >>
> >> 1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!
> >>
> >> 2. "Did you Find Amelia Earhart yet?"
> >>
> >> 3. "Can you hear me NOW?"
> >>
> >> 4.. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? ARE WE THERE YET ?"
> >>
> >> 5. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."
> >>
> >>6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"
> >>
> >> 7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..."
> >>
> >> 8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"
> >>
> >>9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!
> >>
> >>10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.."
> >>
> >>11. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"
>
> >> And the best one of all..
> >>
> >>12. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that you didn't find my
> >>head up there?" shocked [color:#FF0000]

> >>[/color]
Posted By: Bill Mc Ghee

Re: Smiles for the day - 10/03/07 06:27 PM

Two Ways of Looking at Things


My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asks, "Do you know her?"

"Yes," I sighed, "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."


"My God!" says my wife, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?

So you see, there really are 2 ways to look at everything!

Posted By: SP Daily

Re: Smiles for the day - 10/04/07 04:50 PM

http://www.comics.com/comics/dilbert/archive/images/dilbert2007183321004.gif
Posted By: Rykat

Re: Smiles for the day - 10/05/07 02:54 AM


A young guy from Mississippi moves to Florida and goes to a big
"everything
under one roof" department store looking for
a job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says
"Yeah. I
was a salesman back in Mississippi "

Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow.
I'll
come down after we close and see how you
did.

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the
store
was locked up, the boss came down. "How many
customers bought something from you today?"

The kid says "one".

The boss says "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a
day.
How much was the sale for?"

The kid says "$121,237.65".

The boss says "$121,237.65? What the hell did you sell?"

The kid says, First, I sold him a small fishhook. Then I sold him a
medium
fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook.
Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going
fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him
he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and
I
sold him a twin engine Boston Whaler. Then he
said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down
to
the automotive department and sold him that 4
x 4 Expedition."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a
BOAT and a TRUCK?"

The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and
I
said, "Dude, your weekend's shot, you should
go fishing."


Posted By: Otteralum

Re: Smiles for the day - 10/05/07 01:20 PM

hahaha. He should run for office.
Posted By: carl 60

Re: Smiles for the day - 10/05/07 03:58 PM

Hmmm I wonder if that would work for me,not wife would buy a Hummer to run me over.
Posted By: Leah-Ann

Re: Smiles for the day - 10/05/07 09:38 PM

Was in a criminal court the other day and witnessed a rather humorous exchange. A DUI defendant was being sentenced to two months in county jail. The defendant stood up and shouted, “Kiss my ass.” Without missing a beat, the judge shouted back, “Motion denied,” and immediately sentenced the guy to an additional two months for contempt of court. Who says judges don’t have a sense of humor?
Posted By: ScubaLdy

Re: Smiles for the day - 10/05/07 10:52 PM

Did you hear about the drunk that was called before the judge who said “Sir, did you set fire to the bed?”
The drunk respectively replied, “No sir, it was on fire when I got in it.”
Posted By: Barnacle

Re: Smiles for the day - 10/06/07 12:08 AM

a women in her 30's was standing in line at the grocery store with her items. she places her cart on the counter and begins to unload her items on the belt.
a drunk guy comes in line behind her and is drunkenly checking out her stuff.
she has a loaf of bread, some cheese, a bottle of Clorox, some Frito's, a box of cheerios and a people magazine.
the drunk studies all this and tugs on her sleeve.
"i can tell,, yer single, ain't ya?" he slurs the words as a drunk would.
the women is surprised. how could he determine this from my groceries?
she replies, "why, yes i am. how did you know?"
"cause,,,,yer ugly" he slurs!
Posted By: Chachacoconut

Re: Smiles for the day - 10/06/07 10:44 AM

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he
glanced up & saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane.

He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As
fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or
pleasure?"

She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual
Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston "

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had
ever seen sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting of
nymphomaniacs.

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's
your business role at this convention?"

Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned
from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular
myths about sexuality."

"Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"

"Well," she explained,” one popular myth is that African-American
men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the
Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.

Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers when
actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best.

I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best
stamina is the Southern Redneck."

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.
"I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this
with you. I don't even know your name."

"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me
Bubba." blush [color:#990000]
[size:11pt]
[/color]
[/size]
Posted By: carl 60

Re: Smiles for the day - 10/08/07 09:02 PM

At a bussiness meeting the Manager became quite upset stating he felt he was not getting the respect he should be shown.He went out and purchased a sign that said I AM THE BOSS and put it on his door.When he returned from lunch someone had wrote on the sign Your Wife called and wants her sign back!
Posted By: Rykat

Re: Smiles for the day - 10/08/07 09:08 PM

laugh laugh laugh laugh
Posted By: Nova

Re: Smiles for the day - 10/09/07 12:02 AM

Thanks Barnacle - Read your joke with a mouthful of red wine...need a new keyboard! laugh
Posted By: Loansum-Al K

Re: Smiles for the day - 10/09/07 12:09 AM

I love "quick on their feet" Judges!!
Posted By: Barnacle

Re: Smiles for the day - 10/09/07 01:45 PM

I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I
went to the currency exchange window at the local bank.

Short line.

Just one lady in front of me. . .an Asian lady who was trying
to exchange yen for dollars and she was a little irritated.

She asked the teller, "Why it change?? Yesterday, I get two
hunat dolla fo yen. Today I get hunat eighty?? Why it change?"

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations".

The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people, too!"

Posted By: Marty

Re: Smiles for the day - 10/09/07 03:24 PM

that is oh so good bill...
Posted By: carl 60

Re: Smiles for the day - 10/09/07 03:25 PM

Understanding Women
A mans perspective
I know I will never understand women.
I will never understand how they can take hot wax abd pour it over their upper thighs,rip the hair out by the roots,
and still be afraid of a spider.

While attending a marriage seminar dealing with communication,
My wife and I listened to the instructor who said it is important that you know the likes and dislikes of your partner.
He turned to me and ask Carl what is your wifes favorite flower?
this was easy I said Pillsbury.
Posted By: Amanda Syme

Re: Smiles for the day - 10/10/07 07:36 PM

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for
answered prayers. A lady stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a
praise. Two months ago, my husband, Jim, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum
was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they
could help him."

You could hear an audible gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the
pain that poor Jim experienced.

She continued, "Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every move caused him
terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation. They were
able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim's scrotum and wrap wire around it
to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the
horrible surgery performed on Jim.

She continued, "Now, Jim is out of the hospital and the doctor's say, with time, his
scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else
had anything to say.

A man rose and walked to the podium. He said, "I'm Jim and I want to tell my wife,
ONCE AGAIN, the word is STERNUM!
Posted By: Barnacle

Re: Smiles for the day - 10/10/07 08:07 PM

a young blonde woman decided to go ice fishing on the lake.
she gathered up all her gear, got out the ice auger and began to drill a hole in the ice.
just then a booming voice came from above,,"there's no fish there'.
confused, she got her stuff and moved to a different part of the lake and began drilling. "there's no fish there'. angain,, the booming voice.
she moved off in the other direction to try again. as she began to drill, "there's no fish in the lake!"
she put down her auger, looked to the sky, and aksed,,"God,, is that you?"
"NO,, I'M THE ICE RINK MANAGER"
Posted By: Barnacle

Re: Smiles for the day - 10/10/07 08:19 PM

The National Poetry Contest had come down to two
semifinalists---
A Yale graduate and a redneck from Wyoming.
They were given a word,then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word.
The word they were given was "Timbuktu".

First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate.
He stepped to the microphone and said:

Slowly across the desert sand,
Trekked a lonely caravan
Men on camels, two by two
Destination-Timbuktu.

The crowd went crazy!
No way could the redneck top that, they thought.

The redneck calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:

Me and Tim a huntin we went,
Met three whores in a pop up tent.
They was three, and we was two
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu.




Posted By: Barnacle

Re: Smiles for the day - 10/10/07 08:31 PM

As we all know, it takes 1 calorie to heat 1 gram of water 1 degree centigrade.
Translated into meaningful terms, this means that if you eat a
very cold dessert (generally consisting of water in large part), the natural processes which raise the consumed dessert to body temperature during the digestive cycle literally sucks the calories out of the only available
source, your body fat.

For example, a dessert served and eaten at near 0 degrees C (32.2 degrees F) will, in a short time, be raised to the normal body temperature of 37 degrees C (98.6 degrees F).
For each gram of dessert eaten, that process takes approximately 37 calories as stated above. The average dessert portion
is 6 oz, or 168 grams.
Therefore, by operation of thermodynamic law, 6,216 calories (1 cal./gm/deg. x 37 deg. x 168 g) are extracted from body fat as
the dessert's temperature is normalized.
Allowing for the 1,200 latent calories in the dessert, the net calorie loss is approximately 5,000 calories. Obviously, the more cold dessert you eat, the better off you are and the faster you will lose weight, if that is your goal.
This process works equally well when drinking very cold beer in frosted glasses. Each ounce of beer contains 16 latent calories, but extracts 1,036 calories (6,216 cal. per 6 oz. portion) in the temperature normalizing process. Thus, the net calorie loss per ounce of beer is 1,020 calories. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to calculate that 12,240 calories (12 oz. x 1,020 cal./oz.) are extracted from the body in the process of drinking a can of beer.
The results here are really remarkable, and it beats running hands down.
Unfortunately, for those who eat pizza as an excuse to drink beer, pizza (loaded with latent calories and served above body temperature) induces an opposite effect.
But, thankfully, as the astute reader should have already reasoned, the obvious solution is to drink a lot of beer with pizza!
Posted By: ScubaLdy

Re: Smiles for the day - 10/11/07 06:32 AM

Amanda - I laughed and laughed - thank you
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Smiles for the day - 10/11/07 04:40 PM

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud
pounding on the door.

The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing
in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

'Not a chance,' says the husband. 'It is 3 o'clock in the morning.'
He slams the door and returns to bed.

'Who was that?' asked his wife. 'Just some drunk guy asking for a push!'

'Did you help him?' she asks.
'No. I did not. It is 3 o'clock in the morning and it is pouring rain
outside!'

His wife said, 'Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke
down and those two guys helped us? You should be ashamed of yourself!'

The man gets dressed and goes out into the pouring rain.

He calls out into the dark, 'Hello. Are you still there?'

'Yes,' comes back the answer.

'Do you still need a push?' calls out the husband.

'Yes! Please!' comes the reply from the darkness.

'Where are you?' asks the husband.

'Over here on the swing!' replies the drunk
Posted By: Barnacle

Re: Smiles for the day - 10/11/07 04:51 PM

they had only been married for a few months when on one payday, the new husband failed to come home. it was Sunday evening when he finally stumbled through the door.
he ws soon greeted by his not so pleased wife.
"where in thee hell have you been?"
"i was out for a few drinks with the boys."
"you have been gone since Friday. how would you like it if you didn't see me for 2 days?"
still a bit drunk and not quit thinking clear, he responds,"fine".
sure enough, by Tuesday morning, the left eye was still swollen shut, but he could open the right eye just enough to make out her outline!
Posted By: Marty

Re: Smiles for the day - 10/11/07 05:31 PM

A boat docked at a tiny Belizean Island. An
American tourist complimented the San Pedrano fisherman on the quality of his fish
and asked how long it took him to catch them.


'Not very long,' answered the San Pedrano.



'But then, why didn't you stay out longer and catch
more?' asked the American.


The San Pedrano explained that his small catch was
sufficient to meet his needs and those of his family.


The American asked, 'But what do you do with the
rest of your time?'


'I sleep late, fish a little, play with my
children, and take a siesta with my wife. In the evenings, I go into the
town to see my friends, have a few drinks, play the guitar, and sing a few
songs. I have a full life.'


The American interrupted, 'I have an MBA from
Harvard and I can help you! You should start by fishing longer every day. You
can then sell the extra fish you catch. With the extra revenue, you can buy a
bigger boat.'


'And after that?' asked the San Pedrano.



'With the extra money the larger boat will bring,
you can buy a second one and a third one and so on until you have an entire
fleet of trawlers. Instead of selling your fish to a middle man, you can then
negotiate directly with the processing plants and maybe even open your own
plant. You can then leave this little Island and move to Miami, Los
Angeles, or even New York City! From there you can direct your huge new
enterprise.'


'How long would that take?' asked the San Pedrano.



'Twenty, perhaps twenty-five years,' replied the
American.


'And after that?'


'Afterwards? Well my friend, that's when it gets
really interesting,' answered the American, laughing. 'When your business gets
really big, you can start buying and selling stocks and make millions!'



'Millions? Really? And after that?' asked the
San Pedrano.


'After that you'll be able to retire, live on a
tiny Island near the coast, sleep late, play with your children, catch a few
fish, take a siesta with your wife and spend your evenings drinking and
enjoying your friends.'


And the moral of this story is: ......... Know
where you're going in life... you may already be there.
Posted By: Dita

Re: Smiles for the day - 10/11/07 07:01 PM

Here's a little something for those of us in our 50's!!!!



It was fun being a baby boomer... until now. Some of the artists of the 60's are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers.

They include:

Herman's Hermits --- Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker.

Ringo Starr --- I Get By With a Little Help From Depends.

The Bee Gees --- How Can You Mend a Broken Hip.

Bobby Darin --- Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash.

Roberta Flack --- The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face.

Johnny Nash --- I Can't See Clearly Now.

Paul Simon --- Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver

The Commodores --- Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom.

Marvin Gaye --- Heard It Through the Grape Nuts.

Procol Harem --- A Whiter Shade of Hair.

Leo Sayer --- You Make Me Feel Like Napping.

The Temptations --- Papa's Got a Kidney Stone.

Abba --- Denture Queen.


Tony Orlando - Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall.

Helen Reddy --- I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore.

Leslie Gore --- It's My Procedure, and I'll Cry If I Want To.

And my favorite:


Willie Nelson --- On the Commode Again.

Posted By: carl 60

Re: Smiles for the day - 10/13/07 01:03 PM

I used to sow wild Oats now it is Prunes and All bran

Forget Health Foods,I need all the preservatives I can get.
Posted By: Chachacoconut

Re: Smiles for the day - 10/13/07 02:31 PM

"ANATOMY OF A HOT DOG"

Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in the USA and are taking a walking tour of New York City. One says to the other, "Och, I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs."
"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."
Nodding emphatically the Mother Superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk toward the cart. "Two dogs, please," says one.
The vendor is only too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over.
Excited, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their "dogs."
The Mother Superior is first to open hers.
She begins to blush and then, staring at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?" shocked


Posted By: Barnacle

Re: Smiles for the day - 10/13/07 10:50 PM

two men sit down at a table in a restaurant and wait to be served.
the waitress comes over and asks "what would ya like?"
both guys order a cheeseburger and a draft beer.
the waitresses goes off, gives the order to the cook, fills their beers, stops at a fridge, then comes to deliver their beers.
she gingerly sets the beers down in front of them while the guys notice she is keeping her arms at her side.
one fellow ask her "what's with your arms?"
she responds, "oh, the hamburger patties were frozen and with our microwave being broke, holding them under my arms is the fastest way to thaw them out."
the guys both look at each other and wince, while another customer at the table next to them tells her "ahh please cancel that hot dog order i had."
Posted By: carl 60

Re: Smiles for the day - 10/15/07 05:32 PM

A man who was trying in vain to get his girl friend to marry him
had a gift delivered to her every day for a month to try and win her affections.She married the UPS guy
Posted By: carl 60

Re: Smiles for the day - 10/16/07 07:25 PM

A nurse walks into a bank totally exhausted after a 20 hour shift.

Preparing to write a check,she pulls a rectal thermometer
out of her purse and tries to write with it.

She looks at the flabergasted teller and with out missing a beat
says" Well thats great....thats really great.....some asshole's got my fountain pen.
Posted By: KC Jayhawk

Re: Smiles for the day - 10/17/07 04:37 PM

A woman visited her plastic surgeon who told her about a new procedure called "The Knob," where a small knob is placed at the top of the woman's head and could be turned to tighten up her skin and produce the effect of a brand new face-lift.

Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob."

Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant.

After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems. "All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them."

The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your breasts."

She said, "Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee.

Posted By: Nova

Re: Smiles for the day - 10/17/07 10:32 PM

GROAN!!! laugh
Posted By: ScubaLdy

Re: Smiles for the day - 10/18/07 08:11 PM

The History of the Middle Finger

Well, now......here's something I never knew before, and now that I know it, I feel compelled to send it on to my more intelligent friends in the hope that they, too, will feel edified. Isn't history more fun when you know something about it?

Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers. Without the middle finger it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore they would be incapable of
fighting in the future. This famous English longbow was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as "plucking the yew" (or "pluck yew").

Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French, saying, ”see, we can still pluck yew!” Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say, the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodentals fricative F', and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute! It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows used with the longbow that the symbolic gesture is known as "giving the bird."

IT IS STILL AN APPROPRIATE SALUTE TO THE FRENCH TODAY!

And yew thought yew knew every plucking thing
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Smiles for the day - 10/18/07 08:48 PM

Did you make that up?
Posted By: Leah-Ann

Re: Smiles for the day - 10/18/07 09:09 PM

apparently someone did!

http://www.snopes.com/language/apocryph/pluckyew.asp
Posted By: Bobber

Re: Smiles for the day - 10/18/07 09:17 PM

I still think it is appropriate to salute the French. smile

Just when you hear something that you would like to believe in, snopes shuts you down (or you sober up). Life is so unfair.

Previous to this, I thought "pluck yew" was Chinese.

Posted By: Leah-Ann

Re: Smiles for the day - 10/18/07 09:19 PM

I LOVE Snopes! There's enough misinformation floating around out there!!!!

Besides, there's enough strange TRUE stuff to keep me busy! laugh laugh laugh
Posted By: KC Jayhawk

Re: Smiles for the day - 10/18/07 09:22 PM

Ya think???? wink
Posted By: Bobber

Re: Smiles for the day - 10/18/07 09:33 PM

Let's see here. I was born awhile back. Hmmm, maybe I'm just an urban legend. Are there any suburban legends? I'm bored.
Posted By: ScubaLdy

Re: Smiles for the day - 10/18/07 11:34 PM

Does a joke have to be real? Do we need to snopes everything?
Posted By: carl 60

Re: Smiles for the day - 10/18/07 11:55 PM

a woman walks into the kitchen and sees her husband with a fly swatter,having any luck she says.Yep he replies killed 3 male flies and 2 females.she asks how do you know their sex and he says 3 were on a beer can and 2 were on the phone.
Posted By: pugwash

Re: Smiles for the day - 10/19/07 02:27 AM

CLOSE, BUT NOT QUITE ACCURATE, SCUBA LADY:
THE "100 YEARS" WAR BETWEEN ENGLAND AND FRANCE WAS FOUGHT BY OPPOSING NOBILITY, WHO THEN CONSCRIPTED THEIR SERFS AND PEASANTS TO JOIN THEIR ARMIES.
THERE WOULD OFTEN BE MANY YEARS BETWEEN MAJOR BATTLES, AND THE NOBLES REALIZED THE NEED FOR THEIR LANDS TO BE TENDED, SO INSTEAD OF KILLING CAPTIVES, THE PRACTICE OF CUTTING OF THE 1ST AND SECOND FINGERS WAS ADOPTED, AS A LONGBOW IS DRAWN WITH 2 FINGERS, ONE ABOVE AND ONE BELOW THE NOCK, OR SLOT IN THE END OF THE ARROW....THIS IS WHY IN ENGLAND, THE EQUIVALENT OF GIVING THE MIDDLE FINGER, IS IN FACT GIVING A V SIGN, WITH 1ST AND 2ND FINGERS, THUS SHOWING THE STINKING GARLIC BREATHED BICYCLE RIDING BERET WEARING FOGGY BASTARDS AND THEIR HAIRY ARMPITED WOMEN FOLK (SORRY , GOT A BIT HOMESICK FOR OLE ENGLAND FOR A MINUTE) THAT THEY (WERE BACK TO THE PEASANTS) COULD STILL DRAW A BOWSTRING.
TRUST ME ON THIS ONE…I’VE HATED THE FRENCH SINCE 8TH GRADE WHEN I WAS FORCED TO LEARN THE LANGUAGE OF SURRENDER FROM A MINCING LITTLE SOP IN A BOWTIE
Posted By: Hon

Re: Smiles for the day - 10/19/07 02:36 AM

Comment très malheureux pour moi que j'ai la famille française...none of whom are mincing little sops.
Posted By: Leah-Ann

Re: Smiles for the day - 10/19/07 02:38 AM

There ya go, Hon! Couldn't have said it better myself. I gotta say, I really dislike those gross generalizations... mad
Posted By: Hon

Re: Smiles for the day - 10/19/07 02:45 AM

I know I'm going to be accused of not being able to take a joke, but as a Newfoundlander (stupid) with relatives from France (cowards), Ireland (drunkards), Italy (mafioso/criminals) and First Nations (all of the above) I have a thin skin for bigotry.
Posted By: Ernie B

Re: Smiles for the day - 10/19/07 05:25 AM

I love it when you talk like that grin

E !
Posted By: Ernie B

Re: Smiles for the day - 10/19/07 01:12 PM

Ive got your back, Hon !
Posted By: Hon

Re: Smiles for the day - 10/19/07 01:12 PM

Originally Posted by immissing
I love it when you talk like that grin

E !


Now, that's funny grin
Posted By: Bobber

Re: Smiles for the day - 10/19/07 03:31 PM

Hon, my mother was French-Canadian. Anyhow, has anybody noticed that people from the US get a lot more heat on this board than any other nationality? Maybe we were just born with thicker skin. smile
Posted By: belizeonthebeach

Re: Smiles for the day - 10/19/07 05:36 PM

After every flight, Quantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe
sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The
mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form,
then the pilots review the gripe sheets right before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.

Here are some of the actual maintenance complaints submitted by the
Qantas' pilots (as marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (as
marked with an S) by the maintenance engineers.

By the way, it is relevant to note that Qantas is the only major
airline in the world that has never, ever, had an accident!

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in the cockpit.
S: Something tightened in the cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of a leak on the right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume reset to a more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: The number 3 engine is missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after a brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one saved for last......

P: Noise coming from under the instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from the midget.
Posted By: carl 60

Re: Smiles for the day - 10/19/07 07:00 PM

Amaingly Simple Home remedies

1. If you are choking on an Ice Cube simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat.Presto the blockage will instantl disappear.

2. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting
someone to hold while you chop.

3. Avoid arguments with Mrs. about lifting toilet seat by
using the sink.

4. For high blood pressure suffers; simply cut yourself and
bleed for a few minute,thus reducing the pressurein your
veins.Rember to use a timer.

5.A mouse clock placed on top of you Alarm Clock,will prevent
you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the
snooze button.

6. If youhave a bad cough,take a large dose of Laxatives,then
you will be afraid to cough.

7. You only need 2 tools in life-wd-40 and duct tape.If it
doesn't move and should use wd-40.If it shouldn't move and does use Duct tape.

Daily Thought For The Day:Some People are like Slinkies,Not really good for anything but they bring a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs.

Posted By: Leah-Ann

Re: Smiles for the day - 10/19/07 07:14 PM

It just cracks me up how often the same jokes get recycled on this board! laugh

//ambergriscaye.com/forum/ubbthreads.php/ubb/showflat/Number/253477/fpart/15

5th post down
Posted By: Chloe

Re: Smiles for the day - 10/19/07 07:49 PM

This is a green board, therefore recycling is encouraged! smile

I love the smiles, and knowing the person posting the joke is smiling on that day too. smile
Posted By: Leah-Ann

Re: Smiles for the day - 10/19/07 07:50 PM

makes me laugh too, Chloe! wink
Posted By: pugwash

Re: Smiles for the day - 10/19/07 09:56 PM

[quote=Leah-Ann There ya go, Hon! Couldn't have said it better myself. I gotta say, I really dislike those gross generalizations... mad[/quote]
WOULD YOU PREFER THAT I GO FOR BLATANT UNTRUE PERSONAL ATTACKS (I DIDN'T THINK ANN COULTER COULD READ OR WRITE, FROM YOUR POST REGARDING ALGORES PEACE PRIZE) RATHER THAN TRUISMS THAT HAVE PROVEN THEMSELVES TIME AND AGAIN OVER THE YEARS?
DO THE FRENCH HAVE A PENCHANT FOR GARLIC? DO THEY WEAR BERETS? RIDE BIKES? ARE THEIR WOMEN FOLK RENOWNED FOR UNSHAVEN AREAS? YES OR NO QUESTIONS
NEXT ISSUE: THE MINCING LITTLE SOP WAS FROM BLACKBURN, AND SPOKE BOTH ENGLISH AND FRENCH WITH A LANCASTRIAN ACCENT...HE WAS ONE OF THE ONLY MASTERS OTHER THAN THE HEADMASTER WHO INSISTED ON WEARING A CAP AND GOWN AT ALL TIMES ON SCHOOL GROUNDS, AND WAS ONE OF THOSE DREADFUL CREATURES THAT COULD ONLY FIND A HOME IN ACADEMIA OR GOVERNMENT WORK...AND QUE THE LIBERAL ATTACK DOGS.........
FINALLY HON, IF I TOUCHED A SENSITIVE NERVE, PLEASE ACCEPT MY APOLOGY, AND SELECT ONE OF THE FOLLOWING PRIZES THAT I WILL BRING WITH ME ON MY NEXT TRIP DOWN: AN ENCYCLOPEDIA, A WHITE FLAG, A CASE OF GUINNESS OR A MAP OF THE MEADOWLANDS (HOFFA’S GRAVESITE MARKED WITH AN X) AND A SPECIAL BONUS PRIZE OF A RAZOR!!
THIS IS "SMILES FOR THE DAY", NOT PC 101, BUT PLEASE NO JOKES ABOUT FAT GUYS WITH BAD TEETH OR I’LL BURST INTO TEARS
Posted By: Leah-Ann

Re: Smiles for the day - 10/19/07 10:10 PM

As the original comment seems to have been pulled - I'm deleting mine as well. Suffice it to say I still find the original comments offensive.

My mistake - the original comment was not pulled -
Posted By: Hon

Re: Smiles for the day - 10/19/07 11:35 PM

pugwash, please allow me to apologise to you and to everyone reading this thread. I had no way to know that you felt such intense antagonism towards the French or that my comments would bring this type of vitriol to the board. I'm so sorry.
Posted By: Gela

Re: Smiles for the day - 10/19/07 11:35 PM

Wow
Posted By: Nova

Re: Smiles for the day - 10/19/07 11:45 PM

Hon, we know where you're coming from - you've a great sense of humor and we get it. You're not responsible for what anyone else says! No worries!!!
Posted By: pugwash

Re: Smiles for the day - 10/20/07 03:33 AM

I think its time to back up a minute, and make sure thing stay in perspective.
There was a (n inaccurate) post regarding “the middle figure”, which I responded to, and suggested that the English archers may not have had warm feeling towards the French who they had been at war with for 100 years, although to many Englishmen and women, the count would now be941 years (*since 1066).

I should not have used the word “hated” as it tends to be taken literally, and for that I apologize: perhaps I should have instead mentioned my distain for the Nation as a whole and the annoyance I tend to feel when confronted by French politics, although there have been improvements recently.

Hon responded by saying none of her family were mincing little sops…..good information, but irrelevant, as the sop in question was English

Leah Ann then suggested that generalizations were bad, but that blatant untruths about individuals were just fine: I couldn’t disagree more. To start or perpetuate an untruth about an individual is a calculated action that shows malice (French word!), which I find to be a very disturbing character flaw. To truthfully point out tendencies or characteristics in any group of people should not be condemned, at least until the though police become a reality

Hon then shared her ancestry, and the stereotypes that are attached to each group: my response was obviously sarcasm and not vitriol, and I really don’t know how to explain that to someone who does not get it. I have sent her a PM in the hopes of clearing the air

There now seems to be a big “Group Hug” going on, and I’m the bad guy….lets not forget it was my ancestors whose figures Hon’s relatives tried to cut off !!

Can we get back to jokes now? In lower case!!
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Smiles for the day - 10/20/07 04:48 AM

Originally Posted by pugwash
the count would now be 1041 years (*since 1066)


Not too hot on arithmetic, are we?
Posted By: pugwash

Re: Smiles for the day - 10/20/07 05:20 AM

duhh!
Posted By: Chachacoconut

Re: Smiles for the day - 10/20/07 11:58 AM



A man and a woman who had never met before, but were both married to

other people, found themselves assigned to the same
sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially

embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very

tired and fell asleep quickly...him in the upper bunk and she

in the lower. At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke

the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you

be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket?

I'm awfully cold."



I have a better idea," she replied." Just for tonight, let's

just pretend that we're married."


"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed!


"Good," she replied... "Get your own *%#$^&*
blanket."



After a stunned moment of silence, he farted.
Posted By: Bobber

Re: Smiles for the day - 10/20/07 01:26 PM

Chacha, you are the ultimate master. smile
Posted By: Hon

Re: Smiles for the day - 10/20/07 04:02 PM

A cowboy in Texas gets pulled over by a State Trooper for speeding. The trooper started to lecture the cowboy about his speeding, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the cowboy feel uncomfortable.

Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket. As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.

The cowboy says, "Y'all havin' some problem with circle flies?" The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah, if that's what they're called. But I never heard of circle flies."

"Well, sir," the cowboy replies, "circle flies hang around ranches. They're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."

The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. But, a moment later he stops and says sternly, "Son, are you callin' me a horse's hind end?"

"No, sir," the cowboy replies, "I have too much respect for law enforcement to call y'all a horse's back end."

"That's a good thing," the trooper says and goes back to writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the cowboy says, "Hard to fool them flies though."
Posted By: carl 60

Re: Smiles for the day - 10/20/07 04:19 PM

Hon thats a good one sending it to my son who is law enforcement
Posted By: Hon

Re: Smiles for the day - 10/20/07 04:30 PM

Try this:

1. Without anyone watching you (others will think you are goofy) and while sitting where you are at your desk in front of your computer, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles.

2. While circling your foot, draw the number "6" in the air with your right hand.

Your foot will change direction.

...and there's nothing you can do about it!

Of course I know how stupid it is but before the day is done you are going to try it again...if you've not already done so. grin

Posted By: Leah-Ann

Re: Smiles for the day - 10/20/07 04:32 PM

WOW! - that's worse than trying to pat your head and rub your tummy! laugh
Posted By: Otteralum

Re: Smiles for the day - 10/20/07 08:12 PM

Hon -- I spent 20-minutes trying to prove you wrong!

(and failed)
Posted By: Ernie B

Re: Smiles for the day - 10/20/07 08:29 PM

Well Dang, Otter. I only had to do it once to find out she was right !
Posted By: iluvbelize

Re: Smiles for the day - 10/20/07 10:42 PM

I tried it again...if I draw the six from the inside loop outward to the top of the number my foot doesn't change directions.
Posted By: pugwash

Re: Smiles for the day - 10/20/07 11:37 PM

Well here’s something we maybe can agree on...

If you start the number 6 at the top, therefore moving your figure in an "anticlockwise" direction, you will loose control of your foot.....however, try starting the 6 at the joiner of the circle and the upstroke, go clockwise, and continue to the top

I found the answer in an old sears roebuck catalogue!!!

JUST SAW ILUVBELIZE'S AS THIS POSTED, SORRY WASN'T TRYING TO STEAL YOU GLORY
Posted By: Leah-Ann

Re: Smiles for the day - 10/21/07 12:00 AM

Originally Posted by pugwash
I found the answer in an old sears roebuck catalogue!!!


Now that's funny! laugh

p.s. - love the lower case
Posted By: Ernie B

Re: Smiles for the day - 10/21/07 03:33 AM

Hrummmph !
Posted By: pugwash

Re: Smiles for the day - 10/21/07 04:43 AM

Why thank you Leah Ann !

In case anyone is wondering what the relevance of the "sears roebuck catalogue" is, there was a post from "someone" that is now mysteriously (im)missing, that derided me as being "like a sears roebuck catalogue....old, fat and full of cheap sh*t"

I'm wondering…… does Belize have a poet laureate?
Posted By: ScubaLdy

Re: Smiles for the day - 10/21/07 04:40 PM

In the outhouses in the Pacific Northwest you always found a Sear or Montgomery Ward catalog. They served two purposes - one was to read while sitting . . .
Posted By: ScubaLdy

Re: Smiles for the day - 10/21/07 05:20 PM

Little Johnny watched his daddy’s car pass by the school playground and go into the woods.

Curious, he followed the car and saw daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.

Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could not contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother.

“Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw daddy’s car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane . . . . “

At this point mommy cut him off and said, “Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on daddy’s face when you tell it tonight!”

At the dinner table, mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story.

Johnny started his story. “I was at the playground and I saw daddy’s car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and daddy started doing the same thing that mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when daddy was in the army!”

Mommy fainted.

MORAL: Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before you interrupt.
Posted By: gailtor

Re: Smiles for the day - 10/21/07 06:50 PM

LOL wink
Moral is certainly correct... good listening skills and patience are very important..
Posted By: Chloe

Re: Smiles for the day - 10/21/07 07:02 PM

LOL wink I hear you Gailtor.
Posted By: tacogirl

Re: Smiles for the day - 10/22/07 03:09 AM

New lyrics for boomers

It was fun being a baby boomer, until now. Some of the artists of the '60s are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate
again baby boomers.

They include:

1. Herman's Hermits--- Mrs. Brown, You've Got a
Lovely Walker.

2. The Bee Gees--- How Can You Mend a Broken Hip.

3. Bobby Darin--- Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a
Flash.

4. Ringo Starr--- I Get By With a Little Help From
Depends.

5. Roberta Flack--- The First Time Ever I Forgot
Your Face.

6. Johnny Nash--- I Can't See Clearly Now.

7. Paul Simon--- Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver

8. The Commodores--- Once, Twice, Three Times to
the Bathroom.

9. Marvin Gaye--- Heard It Through the Grape Nuts.

10. Procol Harem--- A Whiter Shade of Hair.

11. Leo Sayer --- You Make Me Feel Like Napping.

12. The Temptations--- Papa's Got a Kidney Stone.

13. Abba --- Denture Queen.

14. Tony Orlando--- Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling
If You Hear Me Fall.

15. Helen Reddy --- I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore.

16. Willie Nelson- -- On the Commode Again

17. Leslie Gore --- It's My Procedure and I'll Cry
If I Want To

Posted By: DitchDocDiver

Re: Smiles for the day - 10/22/07 03:37 AM

Dupe of #252575 10 days ago, but still funny!
Posted By: tacogirl

Re: Smiles for the day - 10/22/07 03:59 AM

oops sorry did not mean to duplicate missed that one
Posted By: KC Jayhawk

Re: Smiles for the day - 10/22/07 04:05 AM

Well, Taco, it's not like you've been busy with the blog or anything . . . . grin
Posted By: DitchDocDiver

Re: Smiles for the day - 10/22/07 05:15 AM

as far as I am concerned.. as long as you continue your blog, you can repost this every day!

I'd be lost.. err more lost that I am without your blog.. keep up the good work.

Posted By: seaexplore

Re: Smiles for the day - 10/23/07 05:03 AM

anyone seen "shoes" by Kelly??? My jr. high kids got me hooked..... check it out- some might find it funny. WARNING: There is obscenity in it- don't look if you're easily offended...

Marty/admin- feel free to remove if I've overstepped the bounds of the board.

shoes video
Posted By: Nova

Re: Smiles for the day - 10/23/07 12:08 PM

Ernie, Bill and KC, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf on Chapel Caye one fine November day. Ernie remarked to the others, "Windy, isn't it?"

"No," Bill replied, "it's Thursday."

KC chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a Belikin."
Posted By: Ernie B

Re: Smiles for the day - 10/23/07 12:51 PM

Thats funny ??????
Posted By: Nova

Re: Smiles for the day - 10/23/07 12:53 PM

SORRY ERNIE - I SHOULD HAVE TYPED IN CAPS SO YOU COULD READ IT EASIER!!!!
Posted By: Ernie B

Re: Smiles for the day - 10/23/07 12:57 PM

Awwwww, Geeze grin
Posted By: Dita

Re: Smiles for the day - 10/23/07 01:03 PM

An old "retired" guy goes to his doctor for a physical. All of his tests come back with normal results. The doctor says, "Bill, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?"

Bill replies, "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor
eyesight, so he's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! the light goes on. When I'm done, poof! the light goes off.

"Wow, that's incredible," the doctor says.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls Bill's wife.
"Becky," he says "Bill is doing fine! But I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof! the light goes off?"

"Oh my God!" Becky exclaims. "He's peeing in the refrigerator
again!"

Posted By: Bill Mc Ghee

Re: Smiles for the day - 10/23/07 01:12 PM

Hey I resemble that remark.. smile
Posted By: Bill Mc Ghee

Re: Smiles for the day - 10/23/07 01:14 PM

Belikin!! Did I hear Belikin? I'll take 2 or 9 please.
Posted By: Nova

Re: Smiles for the day - 10/23/07 02:12 PM

Hahahahahahahahahaha Dita! Good one!
Posted By: Dita

Re: Smiles for the day - 10/23/07 04:29 PM

FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her Little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde. The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

What does it look like?' the driver finally asked.
The policewoman replied, 'It's square and it has your picture on it. The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the police woman. 'Here it is,' she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, 'Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop.'
Posted By: Amanda Syme

Re: Smiles for the day - 10/23/07 07:51 PM

HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION


Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... Don't waste them on exercise . Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.


Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables . So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products


Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!


Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.


Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!


Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: You're not listening....Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?


Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.


Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable. It's the best feel-good food around!!


Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.


Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!!


Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming, "WOO HOO, What a Ride!"
Posted By: SP Daily

Re: Smiles for the day - 10/23/07 08:06 PM

"And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products."
Theres a pork chop in every bottle of Belikin...
Posted By: Barnacle

Re: Smiles for the day - 10/23/07 10:43 PM

just look at me,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Posted By: SP Daily

Re: Smiles for the day - 10/23/07 10:44 PM

So you're a vegetarian???
Posted By: seaexplore

Re: Smiles for the day - 10/24/07 02:48 AM

*A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. **

One wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror her husband pulled into the driveway.

'Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!'

'I can't jump out the window ~ It's raining out there!'
 
'If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!' she replied.
 
'He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!'

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window!

As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.

Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could.

After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.

'Do you always run in the nude?' one asked.
 
'Oh yes!' he replied, gasping in air. 'It feels so wonderfully free!'
 
Another runner moved along side.
 
'Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?'
 
'Oh, yes' our friend answered breathlessly. 'That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!'
 
Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried, 'Do you always wear a condom when you run?'
 
'Nope.........just when it's raining'.
Posted By: seaexplore

Re: Smiles for the day - 10/24/07 02:54 AM

"Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?"

"Yes. What can I do for you?"

"I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith....He's hidin' marijuana inside his firewood!  Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there."

"Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.

Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.

"Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd....Did the Sheriff come?"

"Yeah!"

"Did they chop your firewood?"   

"Yep!"

"Happy Birthday, buddy!"

(Rednecks know how to git-R-dun)
Posted By: Barnacle

Re: Smiles for the day - 10/24/07 02:15 PM

*CAUTION* could be edited!

a man goes to the senior home to visit his 80 year old mom. when he finds the head nurse she begins to explain that she is glad he is here as 'mom' has been causing some trouble.
"what is she doing?" he asks.
"go down the hall to the lunch room and see for your self".
he walks down the hall and as he enters the lunch room he see's his mother. she is wearing her usual moo-moo and pink slippers.
she is going to each table that has old men sitting at it, lifting her moo-moo and saying "SUPERPUSSY". she does this in front of each man. he is watching her as she finds a table with only one senior man at it. she hobbles up to him, lifts her moo-moo and hollars "SUPERPUSSY".
the old man scratches his chin and says, "i'll have the soup please".
Posted By: Bill Mc Ghee

Re: Smiles for the day - 10/24/07 07:54 PM

MY LIVING WILL
Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her,

'I never want to live in a vegetative state, depending on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'
She got up, unplugged the TV, and threw out my beer.

She is such a bitch...

Posted By: Bill Mc Ghee

Re: Smiles for the day - 10/24/07 08:33 PM

Beer contains female hormones.

Last month, National University of Lesotho scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.

Men should take a concerned look at their beer
consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.

To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each
within a 1 hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects:

1) Argued over nothing.
2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.
5) Became overly emotional.
6) Couldn't drive.
7) Failed to think rationally.
8) Had to sit down while urinating.

No further testing was considered necessary.
Posted By: Leah-Ann

Re: Smiles for the day - 10/24/07 08:36 PM

BiIl, you're gonna be in the corner for the next several weeks! laugh
Posted By: Bill Mc Ghee

Re: Smiles for the day - 10/24/07 08:44 PM

only 2 Leah-Ann, I'll be in SP after that. whistle
Posted By: Leah-Ann

Re: Smiles for the day - 10/24/07 08:55 PM

oh, they got corners in SP too!!!!! :P :P
Posted By: DitchDocDiver

Re: Smiles for the day - life lesson - 10/24/07 11:21 PM

Moral of the story... don't bring a skillet to a gun fight!


http://kansas.com/news/updates/story/208835.html

Posted By: Ernie B

Re: Smiles for the day - life lesson - 10/24/07 11:28 PM

If you are going to a gun fight, take a big gun, take some of your friends who also have big guns. smile
Posted By: Chachacoconut

Re: Smiles for the day - life lesson - 10/25/07 12:15 AM

Divorce Letter

Dear Wife:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever.
I've been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it..
These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me
that you quit your job today and that was the last straw.

Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had a new haircut,
had cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk
boxers. You ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching
all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want
sex or anything that connects us as husband and wife. Either you're
cheating on me or you don't love me anymore;
whatever the case, I'm gone.

Your EX-Husband
P.S. Don't try to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving away to West
Virginia together! Have a great life!


Dear Ex-Husband -

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that
you and I have been married for seven years, although a good man is a far
cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown
out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't work. I DID
notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the first thing that came to
mind was 'You look just like a girl!' Since my mother raised me not to
say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment . And when
you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY
SISTER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago.

About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99
price tag was still on them, and I prayed that it was a coincidence that
my sister had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning. After all
of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I
hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two
tickets to Jamaica .. But when I got home you were gone.
Everything happens for a reason, I guess.

I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said
that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me.
So take care.

Signed,
Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell and Free!

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born
Carl. I hope that's not a problem.

eek
Posted By: pugwash

Re: Smiles for the day - 10/25/07 07:02 AM

My living will and healthcare directive contains the following wording:

If I am unable to differentiate between, and choose by what ever means of communication are available to me, NFL Football over Men’s Ice Skating, (with the exception of NFL Hockey) on television, its time to pull the plug....on me not the TV!!

Of course it’s in upper case, having been written before I "met" Leah Ann
Posted By: Bill Mc Ghee

Re: Smiles for the day - 10/27/07 01:29 PM

A ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain in a small town. He's going through his usual run of off-colour and "dumb blonde" jokes, when a well-presented blonde woman in the fourth row stands up and says:

"I've heard just about enough of your stupid blonde jokes, ********! What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What connection can a person's hair colour possibly have with their fundamental worth as a human being? It is morons like you that prevent women like myself from being respected at work and in our communities and from reaching our full potential...because you and your anachronistic kind continue to perpetuate negative images against not only blondes, but women in general, for the sake of cheap laughs. You are a pathetic relic of the past, and what you do is not only Contrary to Discrimination laws in every civilised country, it is deeply offensive to people with modern sensibilities and basic respect for their fellow citizens. You should hang your head in shame, you pusillanimous little maggot."

Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologise, when the blonde yells, "You stay out of this Mister! I'm talking to that little bast*rd on your knee!"
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Smiles for the day - 10/27/07 03:12 PM

Originally Posted by pugwash
My living will and healthcare directive contains the following wording:

If I am unable to differentiate between, and choose by what ever means of communication are available to me, NFL Football over Men’s Ice Skating, (with the exception of NFL Hockey) on television, its time to pull the plug....on me not the TV!!

Of course it’s in upper case, having been written before I "met" Leah Ann


It's in bold, not upper case (!). A great improvement on when it WAS in UPPER CASE.
Posted By: ScubaLdy

Re: Smiles for the day - 10/27/07 03:18 PM

Here is an old one but one of my all time favorites.

There’s this cowboy who has been practicing being a ventriloquist. One late afternoon, while crossing a rough section of open country he comes across an Indian with a flock of sheep. He pulls up to the Indians small little campfire, dismounts and says “Howdy. Do you mind if I share your fire and bed down for the night?”

The Indian grunts and nods his head. After cooking his dinner and drinking his coffee and being unable to get the Indian into a conversation he decides to have some fun with him. Looking over at the Indians dog he asks “He treating you alright?”

Throwing his voice he makes it sound like the dog answers him, “He’s OK, feeds me all his scraps. Let’s me lick the bacon grease off the pan. Yeah, he treats me good.”

The cowboy nods as the Indian looks amazed. Then the cowboy looks across the fire to the horse. “How about you buddy? Does he treat you good?”

Again, throwing his voice he makes it sound like the horse answers. “Sure! He doesn’t ride me too hard, always brushes me down at the end of the ride. He makes sure I have good grass to graze and sweet water to drink.”

Now the Indian is looking on in amazement. So the cowboy goes over to where the sheep are standing. Before he can say anything the Indian says “Sheep lie!”
Posted By: elbert

Re: Smiles for the day - 10/27/07 03:19 PM

Do guys pat one another on the ass in Mens Ice sports?
Posted By: pugwash

Re: Smiles for the day - 10/27/07 04:35 PM

Perhaps they would, if you ask them nicely

Are you thinking of taking up hockey?
Posted By: pugwash

Re: Smiles for the day - 10/27/07 04:41 PM

Pedro2…I thought you spoke English?

My living will (subject),was written in UPPER CASE, before I “met” Leah Ann, although for this rendition, I used bold, rather than UPPER CASE so as not to offend anyone

And still they complain??????

edit:
sorry pedro2, i may have you and pedro1 mixed up, hence the snide(it is snide, right Leah Ann?) comment!!
Posted By: Barnacle

Re: Smiles for the day - 10/27/07 04:46 PM

a new cowboy hires on at the ranch which is located 50 miles from the nearest town. after settling in, he asks what do you guys do here for,, women?
one fellow ranch hand answers "we use that old nag horse out back".
"well I'm not going to do that" the new cowboy says.
3 weeks pas and he asks again. "your serious, you use that old horse out back?"
"yep,,works well."
"no one laughs at you or nothing?"
"nope."
2 more weeks go by,,"are you sure you won't laugh at me?"
"go ahead, we all do it."
so,, the cowboy is really horny and goes out back and proceeds to 'mount' the old horse.
he soon notices every other ranch hand is gathered around pointing, holding the stomachs and laughing their heads off.
"what the hell,, you said you wouldn't laugh and that you all use the horse?"
"yes,, we do all use the horse. to ride to town where the women are!!"
Posted By: Bill Mc Ghee

Re: Smiles for the day - 10/27/07 05:38 PM

A cowboy rides to town to pick up his Mail order bride.
He loads her luggage and her into his buck-board.
about a mile out of town the horse pulling the buckboard decides to just stop in the middle of the road.
The cowboy climbs down, steps in front of the horse and Smacks the horse on the nose and say to the horse " That's 1. They continue on. about another mile further the horse stop again. The cowboy climbs down, steps in front of the horse, picks up a large stick and smacks the horse on the head and says to the Horse " That's 2". Another mile or so the horse stops, the cowboys climbs down, steps in front of the horse, says to the horse " That's 3" pulls out his gun and shoots the horse.

The New bride is stunned, she starts laying into the cowboy " What have you done". "We are miles from the ranch". " How are we suppose to get there now that you have shot the horse"


The cowboys steps in front of her and says " Thats 1"
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Smiles for the day - 10/27/07 10:12 PM

Hey Pugwash, no matter about the snyde comment. But confusing me for P1 - now that IS serious!
Posted By: pugwash

Re: Smiles for the day - 10/27/07 10:23 PM

hey pedro2,
glad to know we're O.K......the point i was trying to make was that Pedro1 is English, and even though an Arsenal Fan, he seems reasonably intelegent otherwise, and has "english" english as a native language. I don't think i've met you yet, and do not know your heratige, so i would not make a comment that could be taken as a slur, despite what some on this board may have concluded about me!!
(of course, if you went to Eton and Oxford, you should have known better......)
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Smiles for the day - 10/28/07 03:35 AM

Well, I didn't go to Eton - too noisy with Heathrow close by, even back in the middle ages when I was at school.
Posted By: elbert

Re: Smiles for the day - 10/28/07 03:26 PM

Peter a good Avatar might help with the confusion with the other Pedro.
Do you know where to shop for them?
http://www.avatarity.com/
Its free
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Smiles for the day - 10/29/07 01:56 AM

Maybe you're right, Elbert..... I'll check them out, unless you want to suggest one for me?
Posted By: elbert

Re: Smiles for the day - 10/29/07 05:46 PM

Don't tempt me
Posted By: Bill Mc Ghee

Re: Smiles for the day - 10/29/07 07:33 PM

To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine and to my friends who don't.

As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is
freedom and in water there is bacteria.

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have
demonstrated that if we drink 1 litre of water each day, at the end of
the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli,
(E. coli) - bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming
1 kilo of poop.

However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or
tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go
through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember: Water = Poop, Wine = Health.

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid than to drink
water and be full of shite.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm doing
it as a public service.

Posted By: elbert

Re: Smiles for the day - 10/29/07 07:44 PM

I've filter a lot of $#@! through my liver in my days Bill. Doc says water is still the best thing for it.
but still a funny post.
thanks
oops auto censor must be down
Posted By: Chachacoconut

Re: Smiles for the day - 10/30/07 12:02 PM

AUSTRALIAN BRICKLAYER'S REPOT

[color:#FF0000]**Possibly the funniest story in a long while.
This is a bricklayer's accident report, which was printed in the newsletter of the Australian equivalent of the Workers' Compensation board.

**This is a true story. Had this guy died, he'd have received a Darwin Award for sure.......

Dear Sir,

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form. I put "poor planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500lbs.

Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor.

Securing the rope at ground I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. The n I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks. You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 135 lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now
proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in section 3 of the accident report form. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.

Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience pain

At approximately the same time, howe ver, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel.

Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight.

As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several lacerations of my legs and lower body.

Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.

I am sorry to report, however,as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs.

I hope this answers your inquiry





[/color]
Posted By: Otteralum

Re: Smiles for the day - 10/30/07 12:16 PM

ha ha -- I've seen that one printed as a response to an American claims adjuster. I love it, it's always a good one.
Posted By: Chachacoconut

Re: Smiles for the day - 10/30/07 01:42 PM

GRACIAS !!
Posted By: Leah-Ann

Re: Smiles for the day - 10/30/07 08:36 PM

saw an entire Mythbusters episode on this - it was hilarious!! laugh
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Smiles for the day - 10/30/07 10:03 PM

The best version of the bricklayer story was recounted by Gerard Hoffnung in a speech at the Oxford Union in 1958. Recorded by the BBC and it's never been out of the catalogue since. Has lots of other wonderful humour on it.
Posted By: Bobber

Re: Smiles for the day - 10/30/07 10:05 PM

Taht may explain why I saw it 30 years ago. smile
Posted By: ScubaLdy

Re: Smiles for the day - 10/30/07 11:22 PM

Pedro 2
You were supposed to pick an avatar that would CLEARLY distinguish you from Pedro 1.
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Smiles for the day - 10/31/07 12:35 AM

What! Think it looks like P1?
Posted By: Leah-Ann

Re: Smiles for the day - 10/31/07 12:37 AM

almost as frightening!

but not quite as obnoxious! laugh laugh
Posted By: Crabby

Re: Smiles for the day - 10/31/07 03:18 AM

A wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the Halloween party alone.
He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going.
So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early, decided go to the party.
As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice 'chick' he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.
His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her.
She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband. After more drinks he finally whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and made passionate love in the back seat.
Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had.
'Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there.' Then she asked, 'Did you dance much?'
He replied, I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening.'
You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!' she said with unashamed sarcasm.
To which the husband replied, 'Actually, I gave my costume to my brother, apparently he had the time of his life.

Posted By: carl 60

Re: Smiles for the day - 10/31/07 12:59 PM

Give a man a fish and he will eat all day
Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat
and drink Beer all day.
Posted By: carl 60

Re: Smiles for the day - 10/31/07 06:48 PM

You know you have met a Country Bumpkin if:
His wife owns a home made Fur.
Him and his Dog use the same tree.
Her Idea of talking during sex is"there aint no cars coming baby".
He thinks Dom Perignon is a Mafia Leader.
Jack Daniels is on his list of most admired people.
Going to the bathroom at night requires boots and a flash light.
His house doesnt have curtains but his truck does.
He thinks loading the dish washer is taking his wife out and getting her drunk.

Before anyone becomes insulted I to came from the Hills and was like this before I became Edge I cated

Posted By: elbert

Re: Smiles for the day - 10/31/07 06:48 PM

1000 words
http://i201.photobucket.com/albums/aa3/elbertgreer/PhotoShopexersize.jpg
Posted By: elbert

Re: Smiles for the day - 10/31/07 11:08 PM

I always thought cats had a good sense of humor.
Posted By: VT-CDN

Re: Smiles for the day - 11/01/07 03:16 AM

The "Terminal" condition


Women are so insensitive

Ralph returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live. Given this prognosis, Ralph asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, and they make love.

About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, "Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?" Of course, the wife agrees and they do it again.

Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife's shoulder and asks, "Honey, please... just one more time before I die ?" She says, "Of course, dear." And they make love for the third time.

After this session, the wife rolls over & falls asleep. Ralph, however, worried about his pending death, tosses & turns until he's down to 4 more hours. He taps his wife, who rouses. "Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could.....?"

At this point the wife sits up and says, "Listen Ralph, I have to get up in the morning .... you don't."
Posted By: azbob

Re: Smiles for the day - 11/01/07 06:48 PM

For the oldies but goodies of us.

New lyrics for boomers

It was fun being a baby boomer, until now. Some of the artists of the '60s are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate
baby boomers.

They include:

1. Herman's Hermits--- Mrs. Brown, You've Got a
Lovely Walker.

2. The Bee Gees--- How Can You Mend a Broken Hip.

3. Bobby Darin--- Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a
Flash.

4. Ringo Starr--- I Get By With a Little Help From
Depends.

5. Roberta Flack--- The First Time Ever I Forgot
Your Face.

6. Johnny Nash--- I Can't See Clearly Now.

7. Paul Simon--- Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver

8. The Commodores--- Once, Twice, Three Times to
the Bathroom.

9. Marvin Gaye--- Heard It Through the Grape Nuts.

10. Procol Harem--- A Whiter Shade of Hair.

11. Leo Sayer --- You Make Me Feel Like Napping.

12. The Temptations--- Papa's Got a Kidney Stone.

13. Abba --- Denture Queen.

14. Tony Orlando--- Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling
If You Hear Me Fall.

15. Helen Reddy --- I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore.

16. Willie Nelson- -- On the Commode Again

17. Leslie Gore --- It's My Procedure and I'll Cry
If I Want To
Posted By: SimonB

Re: Smiles for the day - 11/01/07 08:35 PM

Wow, this one must be making the e-mail rounds! Posted 3 times in less than a month.
Posted By: azbob

Re: Smiles for the day - 11/01/07 10:17 PM

Oops! Missed it before and your right. It probably been around the world 3 times in less than month. I'll try to keep up.
Posted By: Barnacle

Re: Smiles for the day - 11/01/07 10:27 PM

this is an older one but maybe someone has not seen it.
-----------------------------------------------------

Dear Tech Support:

Recently I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the
new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting software,
severely limiting access to wardrobe, flower and jewelry applications that
operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. No mention of this phenomenon was
included in the product brochure.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalls many other valuable programs such as
DinnerDancing 7.5, CruiseShip 2.3, and OperaNight 6.1 and installs new,
undesirable programs such as PokerNight 1.3, SaturdayFootball 5.0, Golf 2.4
and ClutterEverywhere 4.5. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and invariably
crashes the system. Under no circumstances will it run DiaperChanging
14.1or HouseCleaning 2.6. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix Husband
1.0, but this all purpose utility is of only limited effectiveness. Can you
help, please!!

Sincerely, XXX


Dear XXX:

This is a very common problem women complain about, but it is mostly due to
a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband
1.0 with no idea that Boyfriend 5.0 is merely an ENTERTAINMENT package.
However, Husband 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and was designed by its creator
to run as few applications as possible.

Further, you cannot purge Husband 1.0 and return to Boyfriend 5.0, because
Husband 1.0 is not designed to do this. Hidden operating files within your
system would cause Boyfriend 5.0 to emulate Husband 1.0, so nothing is
gained.

It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the
system, once installed. Any new program files can only be installed once
per year, as Husband 1.0 has severely limited memory. Error messages are
common, and a normal part of Husband 1.0.

In desperation to play some of their "old time" favorite applications, or
to get new applications to work, some women have tried to install Boyfriend
6.0, or Husband 2.0. However, these women end up with more problems than
encountered with Husband 1.0.

Look in your manual under "Warnings: Divorce/Child Support." You will
notice that this program runs very poorly, and comes bundled with
HeartBreak 1.3. I recommend you keep Husband 1.0, and just learn the
quirks of this strange and illogical system.

Having Husband 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the
entire section regarding General Partnership Faults [GPFs]. This is a
wonderful feature of Husband 1.0, secretly installed by the parent company
as an integral part of the operating system.

Husband 1.0 must assume ALL responsibility for ALL faults and problems,
regardless of root cause. To activate this great feature enter the command
"C:\ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME".

Sometimes Tears 6.2 must be run simultaneously while entering the command.
Husband 1.0 should then run the applications Apologize 12.3 and
Flowers/Chocolates 7.8.

TECH TIP!
Avoid excessive use of this feature. Overuse can create additional and
more serious GPFs, and ultimately YOU may have to give a C:\ I APOLOGIZE
command before the system will return to normal operations. Overuse can
also cause Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5, or worse yet, to
Beer 6.0.

Beer 6.0 is a very bad program that causes Husband 1.0 to create FatBelly
files and SnoringLoudly wave files that are very hard to delete. Save
yourself some trouble by following this tech tip!

Just remember! The system will run smoothly, and take the blame for all
GPFs, but because of this fine feature it can only intermittently run all
the applications Boyfriend 5.0 ran. Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it
does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.

Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally
recommend HotFood 3.0, Lingerie 5.3 and Patience 10.1. Used in
conjunction, these utilities can really help keep Husband 1.0 running
smoothly.

After several years of use, Husband 1.0 will become familiar and you will
find many valuable embedded features such as FixBrokenThings 2.1, Snuggling
4.2 and BestFriend 7.6.

A final word of caution! Do NOT, under any circumstances, install
MotherInLaw 1.0. This is not a supported application, and will cause
selective shutdown of the operating system. Husband 1.0 will run only
Fishing 9.4 and Hunting 5.2 until MotherInLaw 1.0 is uninstalled.

I hope these notes have helped. Thank you for choosing to install Husband
1.0 and we here at Tech Support wish you the best of luck in coming years.
We trust you will learn to fully enjoy this product!

Tech Support

Posted By: Barnacle

Re: Smiles for the day - 11/01/07 10:38 PM

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit
jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to
avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps
right in front of the car. The driver, a sensitive man
as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to
see what has become of the rabbit.
Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead. The driver
feels so awful that he begins to cry. A beautiful
blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man
crying on the side of the road and pulls over. She
steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.
I feel terrible," he explains, "I accidentally hit
this rabbit and killed it." the blonde women pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp,
dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto
the rabbit.
The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them
and hops of down the road. Ten feet away the rabbit
stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the
road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another
ten feet,turns and waves, and repeats this again and
again and again, until he hops out of sight.
"What is in that can? What did you spray on
that rabbit?" The woman turns the can around so that
the man can read the label.
It says...
"Hair Spray - Restores life to dead hair,
adds permanent wave."

DOH!!!



Posted By: Bill Mc Ghee

Re: Smiles for the day - 11/03/07 06:10 AM

Games for when we are older

GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER

1. Sag, you're It.
2. Hide and go pee.
3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
4. Kick the bucket
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over
6. Musical recliners.
7. Simon says something incoherent.
8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy

SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE:

1. You sell your home heating system at a yard
sale.
2. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names
on them.
3. You change your underwear after a sneeze

OLD IS WHEN:

1. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

2. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

3. Getting a little action means you don't need fiber today.

4. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.

5. An all-nighter means not getting up to pee!

Thoughts for the weekend

1. Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctr Alt Delete' and start all
over?

2. Just remember, if the world didn't suck, we'd all
fall off.

3. If raising children was going to be easy, it
never would have started with something called labor!

4. Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.


Ponderisms

1. I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

2. Garden Rule: When weeding, the best way to
make sure you are removing a
weed and not a valuable plant is to pull
on it. If it comes out of the ground
easily, it is a valuable plant.

3. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is
to buy a replacement.

4. Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

5. Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like
they used to?

6. In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it
normal.
7. How is it one careless match can start a forest
fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire

8, Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out?'

9. Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there? I'm gonna
eat the next thing that comes outta its butt.'
10. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

11. Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if he's going to look up there anyway?

12. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

13. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

But Most Of All, Remember

A Good Friend Is Like A Good Bra. Hard to Find, Supportive,
Comfortable, And Always Close To Your Heart!



Posted By: carl 60

Re: Smiles for the day - 11/03/07 02:42 PM

Ponderings
Can you cry under water

When I was young we used to go skinny dipping
now I just Chunk Dunk

How important does a person have to be before
they are considered assassinated instead of
just murdered

If money doesn't grow on trees why do banks
have branches

Why do you have to put your 2 cents in but it's
only a penny for your thoughts "where's that extra penny going"

Once you are in Heaven do you get stuck with wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity
Posted By: Chachacoconut

Re: Smiles for the day - 11/03/07 03:40 PM

> > >
> > > As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, in
> > > beer there is freedom, in
> > > water there is bacteria.
> > >
> > >
> > > In a number of carefully controlled trials,
> > > scientists have
> > > demonstrated
> > > that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the
> > > end of the year we would
> > > have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia
> > coli,
> > > (E. Coli) - bacteria
> > > found
> > > in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo
> > of
> > > poop.
> > >
> > >
> > > However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking
> > > wine & beer (or
> > > tequila,
> > > rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has
> > to
> > > go through a
> > > purification
> > > process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.
> > >
> > >
> > > Remember: Water = Poop, Wine = Health
> > >
> > >
> > > Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk
> > > stupid, than to drink
> > > water and be full of poop.
> > >
> > >
> > > P.S -There is no need to thank me for this
> > > valuable information: I'm
> > > doing it as a public service.
laugh
Posted By: Bill Mc Ghee

Re: Smiles for the day - 11/03/07 06:12 PM

Dick Cheney and George Bush were having breakfast at the WhiteHoue.
The attractive waitress asks Cheney what he would like , and he replies, "I'd like some oatmeal and some fruit."
And for you Mr. President?
George W. looks up from his menu and replies with his trademark wink and a slight grin.
"How about a quicky this morning?"
"Why, Mr President!" the waitress exclaims,
"How rude!" You're starting to act like President Clinton" and the waitres storms away.
Cheney leans over to Bush and whispers....."It's pronounced 'quiche".
Posted By: Hon

Re: Smiles for the day - 11/03/07 06:14 PM

Do you think the Hampshire police should have taken into account the position of the bus tailpipe when designing their advertising campaign?

[Linked Image]
Posted By: seaexplore

Re: Smiles for the day - 11/03/07 10:27 PM

OMG! That's AWESOME! I'm sure someone paid for that one with their job!
Posted By: Amanda Syme

Re: Smiles for the day - 11/04/07 01:41 AM

This is a long one but it definitely made me laugh and I think some of you might like it too...be warned though, it's a little bit gross.

Confessions of a gum swallower...

This is the confession of a gum-swallower. I admit it. For as long as I can remember, I have always swallowed my bubble gum instead of throwing it out.

This used to be a major subject of contention with my mother when I was a child, as she was convinced that the practice would lead to my untimely demise. The gum mass was indigestible according to her, you see, and as such could not pass properly through the gastrointestinal tract. I was at great risk of numerous medical conditions because of this questionable assertion, including "twisted intestines," "stomach pileup," and choking to death on my own vomit after the bubble gum body inevitably attempts to escape through my esophagus, closing the pipes indefinitely on the way out.

Naturally, I never believed a single word the old lady said. I've been a gum-swallower my entire life, right up until my mid-20s. It was only then that I experienced a veritable epiphany of how wise my mother may actually have been.

Several weeks ago, I purchased a fairly large quantity of Dubble Bubble for my daughter's' gum ball machine. The amount of gum I acquired was directly proportional to my own developed taste for the product, since it resembled crack cocaine in addictiveness. After originally buying the pre-filled gum ball machine, I'd proceeded to consume almost the entire contents in just a few short days, and thought I'd better stock up on the stuff if I was to maintain a positive relationship with my young child.

Unfortunately, much like Al Pacino in "Scarface," when confronted with such a sizeable amount of pseudo-cocaine, I attacked it with relish. I practically lived off bubble gum for several days. I couldn't get enough. I ate six, seven, sometimes eight small globes at a time in an attempt to find the perfect mix of synthetic flavors. I studied the texture of chewed gum by placing the most perfect tooth and fingerprint impressions ever taken outside of a crime lab. I watched with fascination as I created drab shades of gray from the most myriad selection of brightly colored items. I was almost a scientist of bubble gum by the end of those few days, you see. And each experiment became yet another lump lying heavy on my stomach.

Alas, I was destined for trouble. After consuming such a vast quantity of bubble gum, certain bodily processes started to become strange. My bowel movements rotated from frequent to nearly constipated for several days. For the life of me, I couldn't predict at what point the need to crap would attack. When I did plop down to plop, both the defecation process and the subsequent wiping would seem almost...

Sticky.

This went on for another day or two. It was only then that an event occurred that would change my philosophy on gum swallowing forever. Perhaps the bolus of evil had lodged itself in my colon somewhere just as my mother claimed it would, or perhaps the passing of such hideousness naturally requires an extended length of time; I fear I will never know the answer. All I know is that during an otherwise perfectly normal evening of watching television and reading a book, the cramps began.

I'm reasonably confident that I know what childbirth feels like now. It felt as though my colon was uncoiling and recoiling itself within my abdomen. I rushed to the bathroom and sat down, expecting a torrent of acidic pain. Ah, if only I'd been so lucky! When the defecation came, it felt as though it came out sideways. My sphincter cried out in agony, the toilet sang in joy at the miracle it was about to receive. When I regained consciousness and brought myself to the point of wiping, I discovered the true horror of the evening.

Before continuing, I consider it necessary to make one qualification. I possess a rather... How you say, furry posterior. I freely admit this. I am a man of gum swallowing and a hairy ***. A hairy *** that was now virtually plastered with partially digested bubble gum.

If you've ever tried to get gum out of the hair on your head, you'll understand the conundrum that I was in. Once bubble gum has attached itself to the hair follicle, the two are inseparable. Inseparable like night and day. Inseparable like my *** CHEEKS now were, welded together with a mass of rapidly hardening cement.

After realizing what had happened, I understandably wished to keep the gravity of the situation private. One does not glue his *** cheeks together with fecal bubble gum and spread the proverbial word, you see. And so, I sat and thought. Thought HARD. What do you do? How am I going to get myself out of this one?

Okay, let's think about this. We have an uneven mass of bubble gum in the ***hair. It needs to come out, obviously. But how do you get gum out of hair? I recall someone telling me that peanut butter is the only recourse. No, f**kthat, I'm not making a damn sandwich in my ***. The thought of slathering brown sludge in with other brown sludge was not appealing.

Well, option number one: rip it out. old school, yo!!. So, using a small strip of toilet paper as a shield, I grabbed a lump of the offending plaster and yanked.

WELL HOLY BUGGERY DUCKNUTS, BATMAN! That made my eyes water and my skull expand. Option number one is officially discarded, along with a healthy strip of my taint. Where do we go from here?

Well, maybe option number one isn't *totally* flawed. I'll take a shower! That'll loosen it up, right?

WRONG.

The bubble gum has become ONE with my *** hair now. They are no longer separate entities by any stretch of the imagination. They are joined at the cellular level. Their electrons circle each other in a spinning mass of beauty and PAIN.

Now what? The taint is an area of the body far too sensitive to have hair ripped from it. You might as well expect me to rip off my arm to scratch an itch on my finger.

It was around then that I came to the only logical conclusion. We have to*shave* it out, old bean. I'm sorry, dear sweet anus, but it's the only way. But what shall I shave it with, dear Liza, dear Liza?

I can't use the hand razor I shave my face with, certainly; would I be able to shear my whiskers every morning while knowing where it had been? That micro globs of poo-gum were being ground into my cheeks and neck?

No, certainly not! I do, however, have a small beard trimmer that might do the job. It was only a few dollars at Wal-Mart, after all; I can burn it when I'm done. Alrighty then, pants off, left leg up on the sink, offending mass of bubble gum presented comfortably, mirror positioned on the floor to help me aim. Okay, razor on, let's do this thing!

DEAR SWEET ZOMBIE IT'S STUCK!

Well isn't this wonderful, the undeniable reflex to jump and run from pain has kicked in! I'm now hopping around the bathroom with this two inch electric razor jammed firmly into my ***, dangling around like some sort of freakish technological tail.

The forces of physics have turned on me now. Gravity pulls the razor down as the momentum of my pain dance spins and twists it ever further into the tenderness of my crack. Screams begin to emerge through my gritted teeth. I try desperately to avoid waking my child and/or alerting my delightfully unsuspicious wife. After all, what would I tell them?

"Are you okay, dear?"

"Daddy, what's wrong?"

"Oh, nothing much. I tried to shave the bubble gum out of my ***, and now I'm waving the razor around like a second penis. Don't mind me, go back to sleep!"

Okay, I've calmed myself down. I cradle the offending piece of plastic and agony in an attempt to reduce the pressure on my tormented rectum. Well now you're ina real pickle,eh? You thought it couldn't get any worse, didn't you?

It was around this point that I started to get my head on straight. One must keep in mind how difficult it is to employ high-level cognitive abilities when one is experiencing pain in his most sensitive of areas. Thankfully, my wits had returned.

The razor wasn't going to come out. I was faced with several options: A) Shave it out. B) Cut it out.

Solution A wasn't viable since I'd already destroyed my only non-vital razor. The only problem with B was that there were no scissors in the bathroom; in fact, the only scissors I could think of were down the hall, within the cutlery drawer of the kitchen. My wife was using the computer in the living room, and could very likely see the bathroom door...

Yet the pros greatly outweighed the cons.

So, hopping like a crippled dog, I held the electric beard trimmer firmly against my battered *** hair and fumbled my way down the hall, praying to any possible deities that my wife wouldn't take this occasion to come get a snack or a glass of water. There was no answer for the situation I was in. The fates decided to smile upon me, I suppose. It seems perfectly reasonable that they would, of course, since they'd taken it upon themselves to so thoroughly destroy my sanity up until that point. I managed to duck-walk my way back to the bathroom, and with a carefulness that only a surgeon could appreciate, delicately extracted the clipper from myself.

Using the scissors, it didn't take all that long to snip away the majority of my post-gum. I shaved two long swaths into my ***, in fact, which resulted in the most agonizing discomfort over the next few days. Imagine rubbing two sheets of coarse sandpaper together. Then imagine a thin coat of unabsorbed poop-sweat turning the whole thing into a circus of embarrassment and skid marks. If there's a deep and philosophical message to be found in what I've written, it's lost on me. All I know is that under no circumstances should you ever...
EVER...
swallow your bubble gum.
Posted By: Sun&sand

Re: Smiles for the day - 11/04/07 02:26 AM

OMG...Hilarious!!! What a mental picture. Thanks, Amanda!!!
Posted By: ScubaLdy

Re: Smiles for the day - 11/05/07 04:46 PM

An old lady was standing at the rail of the cruise ship holding her hat so that the wind wouldn't blow it away in the wind A gentleman approached her & said, "Pardon me, madam, I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this wind?"
"Yes, I know," said the lady. "But I need my hands to hold onto my hat." "But madam, he said, "you must know that you're derriere is exposed!" The woman looked down, then back up at the man and said, "Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old, but I just bought this hat
Posted By: Chachacoconut

Re: Smiles for the day - 11/05/07 06:31 PM

If you have to have to swallow your gum maybe you try the one that does not stick to your Dentures, you may want try that and give us your results, but first shave your ***.

You have to read several posts back to Amandas post to understand.
eek
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Smiles for the day - 11/05/07 08:49 PM

A Spanish Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. "House" for instance, is feminine: "la Casa." "Pencil," however, is masculine: "el lapiz.."

A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?" Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computadora" ), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ("el computador"), because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.
Posted By: Barnacle

Re: Smiles for the day - 11/06/07 02:44 PM

While taking an English language class for citizenship, a student was asked to form a sentence using the words ‘green’, pink’, and yellow’.
The student stood up and addressed the class.
“when the telephone goes ‘green green’, I ‘pink’ it up, and say ‘yellow’.
Posted By: elbert

Re: Smiles for the day - 11/06/07 10:20 PM

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advise in
reviving her husband's libido.

"What about trying Viagra?" asked the doctor.

"Not a chance", she said. "He won't even take an aspirin."

"Not a problem," replied the doctor. "Give him an 'Irish Viagra'. It's when
you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a
try and call me in a week to let me know how things went."

It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as
to her progress. The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah!
T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!"

"Really? What happened?" asked the doctor.

"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was
almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with
his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups and
tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there
passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute
nightmare!"

"Why so terrible?" asked the doctor, "Do you mean the sex your husband
provided wasn't good?"

"Twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin here, I'll
never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!"
Posted By: twocanphotogirl

Re: Smiles for the day - 11/07/07 01:35 AM



GREAT ONE!!!!! Oh boy.....Thanks for the laugh Elbert...
Posted By: bushdoctor

Re: Smiles for the day - 11/08/07 03:26 PM

Fairy Tale:

One day, long, long ago, there was this woman, who, surprisingly, did not whine, nag, or bitch........


But this was a long time ago...and it was just one day.

The End

Posted By: Chachacoconut

Re: Smiles for the day - 11/08/07 03:28 PM






A nurse walks into a bank totally exhausted after a 20 hour shift.

Preparing to write a check, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse
and tries to write with it.

She looks at the flabbergasted teller and without missing a beat says,

'Well, that's great.........that's really great ........ some asshole's got
my pen



Posted By: Rykat

Re: Smiles for the day - 11/08/07 03:50 PM

DOCTORS

A Japanese doctor says, "Medicine in my country is so advanced that
we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him
out looking for work in six weeks."
A German doctor says, "That is nothing. We can take a lung out of
one person, put it in another, and have him out looking for work in
four weeks."
A British doctor says, "In my country medicine is so advanced that
we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and
have both of them out looking for work in two weeks."
The American doctor, not to be outdone, interjected, "You guys are
way behind. We are about to take a woman with no brains, send her
to Washington where she will become President, and then half the
country will be out looking for work."

Posted By: ScubaLdy

Re: Smiles for the day - 11/08/07 05:35 PM

Rykat
Why hold back? Why not tell us how you really feel?
Posted By: Rykat

Re: Smiles for the day - 11/08/07 07:49 PM

And get banned again, Harriette. No way!! wink smile
Posted By: Nova

Re: Smiles for the day - 11/09/07 12:41 AM

Aw, come on Rykat, give piece a chance!
Posted By: Leah-Ann

Re: Smiles for the day - 11/09/07 01:57 AM

Originally Posted by Rykat
And get banned again, Harriette. No way!! wink smile

We are witnessing the kinder, gentler Rykat. wink
Posted By: pugwash

Re: Smiles for the day - 11/09/07 02:08 AM

George W. Bush, Tony Blair and Jacques Chirac were relaxing in a Parisian sauna.

Suddenly, there was a distinct beeping sound. President Bush pressed his forearm with his thumb & the beeping stopped. The others looked curiously at him. "Oh, that was just my pager", said George. "I have a microchip embedded under the skin of my forearm."

Two minutes later, the silence was broken by the sound of a phone ringing. Tony Blair lifted the palm of his hand to his ear & the ringing stopped. The Prime Minister explained, "That was my cell phone, chaps. I have a telecom chip implanted in the palm of my hand."

By this time, French president Jacques Chirac was feeling sort of low-tech. Without saying anything, he quickly scooted out of the sauna, but returned momentarily. When he returned, Bush and Blair both stared at him increduously. It appeared that a long piece of toilet paper was dangling from the Frenchman's posterior. When Jacques saw that he had the attention of the other two men, he feigned astonishment: "Marie sainte! I'm think I'm getting a fax."
Posted By: Rykat

Re: Smiles for the day - 11/09/07 03:04 AM

aw schucks! blush
Posted By: Leah-Ann

Re: Smiles for the day - 11/09/07 03:34 AM

I want the OLD rykat!!!!! cry
Posted By: belizeonthebeach

Re: Smiles for the day - 11/09/07 06:57 PM

I recently turned 55 and had to choose a new primary care physician for my healthcare insurance .
After two visits and exhaustive lab tests,he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I will live to be 80?"
He asked: Do you smoke tobacco or drink alcoholic beverages?"
"Oh no," I replied. "I don't do drugs, either."
"Do you have many friends and entertain frequently?"
"I said, "No, I usually stay home and keep to myself".
"Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"
I said, "No, my other doctor said that all red meat is unhealthy!"
"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?"
"No, I don't," I said.
"No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."
He looked at me and said,
"Then why do you give a s%$t?"
Posted By: Rykat

Re: Smiles for the day - 11/10/07 12:09 AM

watch out what you wish for.
Besides, since someone eunuched SIN, it's been no fun at all!
Posted By: Chachacoconut

Re: Smiles for the day - 11/11/07 11:16 AM


Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each
other so well, they decided to get married.

One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.

The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was
handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely.

After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said
to the groom-broom, "I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!!!"


"IMPOSSIBLE !!" said the groom broom.






Are you ready for this?
Brace yourself; this is going to hurt.





"WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!"



Oh for goodness sake... Laugh, or at least groan. Life's too short not to enjoy these
silly, little, cute and clean jokes.

Sounds to me like she's been "sweeping" around!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted By: Barnacle

Re: Smiles for the day - 11/11/07 01:55 PM

groan,,,



COMPANY HOLIDAY PARTY
========================memorandum:
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Manager
TO: Everyone
RE: Christmas Party
DATE: December 1

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. No-host bar, but plenty of eggnog!
We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!

==================memorandum: =====

FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 2
RE: Christmas Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.
We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year.
However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time.

Happy now?

=============memorandum: ==========

FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Manager
DATE: December 3
RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name.
I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?

=========memorandum: =============

FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Manager
DATE: December 7
RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse company we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating, drinking and sex during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps Luigi's can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the
party-the days are so short this time of year-or else package
everything for take-home in little foil swans. Will that work?
Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms.
Did I miss anything?
=======memorandum: ================

FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Manager
DATE: December 8
RE: Holiday Party

So December 22 marks the Winter Solstice...what do you expect me to do, a tap-dance on your heads? Fire regulations at Luigi's prohibit the burning of sage by our "earth-based Goddess-worshipping" employees, but we'll try to accommodate your shamanic drumming circle during the band's breaks.
Okay???

====memorandum: ===================

FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Manager
Date: December 9
RE: Holiday Party

People, people, nothing sinister was intended by having our CEO dress up like Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit."
It's a tradition, folks, like sugar shock at Halloween or family feuds over the Thanksgiving turkey or broken hearts on Valentine's Day. Could we lighten up?

=memorandum: ======================
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Manager
DATE: December 10
RE: Holiday Party

Vegetarians!?!?!? I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your #$%^&*! salad bar, including hydroponic tomatoes ... but you know, they have feelings, too.
Tomatoes scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream, I'm
hearing them scream right now!
memorandum: ==============================

FROM: Teri Bishops, Acting Human Resources Manager
DATE: December 14
RE: Pat Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pat Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness and I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the sanitarium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
Happy Chanuk-Kwanzaa-Solsti-Rama-Mas!!!
Posted By: Barnacle

Re: Smiles for the day - 11/12/07 01:05 AM

Little Timmy was in the garden filling in
a hole when his neighbor peered over the
fence. Interested in what the cheeky faced
youngster was up to, he politely asked,
"What are you up to there, Timmy?"

"My goldfish died," replied Timmy tearfully, without looking up,
"and I've just buried him." The neighbor was concerned,
"That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"
Timmy patted down the last heap of earth then replied,
"That's because he's inside your phuckin cat!"

Posted By: Barnacle

Re: Smiles for the day - 11/12/07 01:12 AM

A husband and wife go off to bed. As soon as they settle down, the man leans over and whispers softly "hey snuggle boopy boops, your little hubby wubby isn't quite ready for nite-nite yet."
The wife takes the hint and says "OK, but I have to use the bathroom first." So off she goes, but on her way back she trips over a piece of carpet and lands flat on her face. Her husband jumps up concerned. "Oh my little hunny bunny, is your nosey-wosey all right?" No harm is done, so she jumps into bed and they have mad passionate sex for two hours.
Afterwards, the wife goes off to the bathroom again, but on her way she trips over the same piece of carpet and again lands flat on her face on the floor. Her husband looks over and grunts, "Clumsy bitch."

Posted By: Chachacoconut

Re: Smiles for the day - 11/12/07 01:18 PM

Here is a chicken recipe that also includes the use of
popcorn as a stuffing - imagine that. When I found this recipe, I thought it was perfect for people like me, who just are not sure how to tell when poultry is thoroughly cooked, but not dried out.

Give this a try.

BAKED STUFFED CHICKEN
4 - 5 lb. Chicken
1 cup melted butter
1 cup stuffing (Pepperidge Farm is Good.)
1 cup uncooked popcorn (ORVILLE REDENBACHER'S LOW FAT)
Salt/pepper to taste
Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Brush chicken well with
melted butter salt, and pepper.

Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn.

Place in baking pan with the neck end toward the back of the oven.
Listen for the popping sounds.

When the chicken's ass blows the oven door open and the chicken flies across the room, it's done.

And you thought I couldn't cook...
wink
Posted By: ScubaLdy

Re: Smiles for the day - 11/14/07 05:32 AM

I was feeling a bit depressed today, so I called the Crisis Hotline. I was put through to a 'call centre' in Pakistan (you know, out sourcing).

I explained that I was feeling suicidal. They were very excited at this news and wanted to know if I could drive a truck or fly an airplane....
Posted By: Nova

Re: Smiles for the day - 11/14/07 02:00 PM

OUCH!!! laugh
Posted By: elbert

Re: Smiles for the day - 11/14/07 02:53 PM

Harriett,
You had me worried for a min.
Posted By: Aviator

Re: Smiles for the day - 11/15/07 12:16 AM

Harriette................I loved that!!!!!!!
Posted By: DitchDocDiver

Re: Smiles for the day - 11/15/07 04:46 AM

WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:

Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth.. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$ 100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. !
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife . You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
Posted By: Otteralum

Re: Smiles for the day - 11/15/07 03:53 PM

GO BUCKEYES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Q: What happens when the Buckeye football team goes to Michigan?
A: The average I.Q. of both states goes up.

Q: How do you keep a Michigan fan in suspense?


* * * * *

A building contractor was showing a prospective buyer a new house. As they moved from room to room, he periodically leaned out of a window and yelled: “Green side up!” Finally, the buyer asked: “Why do you keep saying that?” The contractor said, “I hired a crew of Michigan football players to lay sod and I have to reminding them, 'Green side up!' ”

A young man hired by a supermarket reports for his first day of work. The manager greets him with a warm handshake and smile, gives him a broom and says: “Your first job will be to sweep the store.” The young man is indignant. “But I'm a Michigan graduate! I even played football there!” “Oh, I'm sorry,” replies the manager. “Give me the broom and I'll show you how.”

Two Michigan football players are partying on campus when a bartender asks what they're celebrating. The smart one says that they had just finished a jigsaw puzzle and it only took them two months. “Two months?!” exclaims the bartender. The Wolverine proudly replies: “Yeah! The box said 4-6 years!”

A guy in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, “Hey, want to hear a Michigan joke?” The man replies, “Well, before you tell that joke, you should know something. I am six feet tall, 200 pounds and a Michigan graduate. The guy sitting next to me is 6-2, 225 pounds and a Michigan graduate. The guy sitting next to him is 6-5, 250 pounds and is also a Michigan graduate. You still want to tell that joke?” The first guy responds: “Nah. Not if I'm going to have to explain it three times.”

Jim Tressel and Lloyd Carr are walking on a beach when Carr trips over something in the sand. Upon closer inspection, it turns out to be a genie's lamp. “Who disturbs me?” the genie asks. Tressel and Carr say they're both to blame. “Then you will each get one wish,” the genie says. Carr asks to go first, saying: “I want an impenetrable wall built around the entire state of Michigan so that none of those stupid Ohioans can ever get in. I want it as far down into the ground as it is high and I want it to be completely sealed in so that we can finally have our peace!” The genie grants the wish and Carr is instantly whisked away to this new paradise. The genie turns to Tressel and says, “Now it's your turn.” Tressel says: “Fill it with water.”

A first-grade teacher tells her class that she is a Michigan fan. She asks the students to raise their hands if they are Michigan fans too. Not really knowing what a Michigan fan is, but wanting to be liked by their teacher, all the students put their hands in the air -- with one exception. The teacher looks at the little girl who did not raise her hand and asks her why she's decided to be different. “Because I'm an Ohio State fan,” the girl said. The teacher, a little perturbed, asks why. “Because my mom and dad are Buckeye fans, so I'm a Buckeye fan, too.” The teacher, angry, says, “That's no reason. What if your mom and you dad were idiots?” The little girl smiles and says, “Then I'd be a Michigan fan.”

After former Michigan coach Bo Schembechler passes away and enters Heaven, God takes him on a tour. He shows Bo a little two-bedroom house with a faded University of Michigan banner hanging from the front porch. “This is your home now, coach. Most people don't get their own house around here!” God exclaims. Bo looks at the house then turns around and sees the one sitting on the top of a nearby hill. It's a huge two-story mansion with white marble columns and little patios under all the windows. Ohio State flags line both sides of the sidewalk with a huge scarlet and gray banner hanging between the marble columns. Bo says, “Thanks for the new home, God, but let me ask you a question: Why do I get this little two-bedroom house with a faded Michigan banner while Woody Hayes gets a mansion with new banners and flags?” God looks at him seriously for a moment, then replies: “That's not Woody's house. That's mine!”

A highly recruited high-school football player is visiting schools. His first stop is Miami. When he gets there, Larry Coker immediately picks up a golden telephone. After talking for several minutes, he says, “Thank you, God” and hangs up. The young man is shocked. He asks the coach what is so special about the golden phone. “Well, this phone is a direct link to God,” the coach explains. “God tells us whether new recruits will be stars at our University.” The athlete asks if he can use the phone to ask God what college he should pick. “Sure you can,” the coach says. “But it will cost you $1,000. Calling Heaven ain't cheap.” The young man says he doesn't have that kind of money and moves along.

His next stop is Michigan. He walks into Lloyd Carr's office and Carr immediately picks up a golden telephone. After talking for several minutes, the coach says, “Thank you, God” and hangs up. The recruit says, “Hey, I've seen those phones before. Can I use yours to ask God what college I should pick?” Carr says, “Sure, but it's going to cost you $750. Calling heaven ain't cheap.” Again, the young man explains that he doesn't have the money and leaves.

His last stop is Columbus, Ohio. Jim Tressel picks up a golden telephone, says, “Thanks” and hangs up. The young man asks: “Coach, I really need to use that golden telephone so I can call God and ask him which college I should choose. Miami said it was going to cost me $1,000. Michigan wanted $750. How much will it cost me to call Heaven from Columbus?” Tressel smiles and said, “Nothing, son. It's a local call.”

Once upon a time, there was a season when neither Ohio State nor Michigan made a post-season bowl game. It seemed so unusual that the teams figured there should be some sort of competition anyway. So they got together and decided on a week-long ice-fishing competition. On the first day, Ohio State caught 100 fish and Michigan caught none. On the second day, Ohio State had caught 200 fish and Michigan still had zero. The Michigan coach, suspecting cheating, dressed one of his players in scarlet and gray and sent him to the Ohio State camp to act as a spy. At the end of the day, the player came back to the report. “Are they cheating?” asked the coach. “They sure are,” the player said. “They're cutting holes in the ice!”

Four college alumni were climbing a mountain: An Ohio State grad, a Michigan grad, a Penn State grad and a Notre Dame grad. Each claimed to be the most loyal to their alma mater. As they climbed higher, they argued about who was the most loyal of all. When they reached the top, the Notre Dame grad suddenly hurled himself off the mountain, shouting: “This is for the Fighting Irish!” Not to be outdone, the Penn State grad threw himself over the edge, shouting: “This is for the Nittany Lions!” Seeing this, the Ohio State grad walked over and shouted “This is for the Buckeyes!” and pushed the Michigan fan off the mountain.

Michigan is threatening to score the winning touchdown with four seconds to go on the Ohio State two-yard line. Lloyd Carr looks to the sky and says, “Oh Lord, I've been a good person. I've tried to live a good life. Please, give me your guidance. What play should we run?” Suddenly, the clouds part and a booming voice says, “RUN 34 POWER TRAP RIGHT.” Carr stands in stunned disbelief. His prayer has been answered! Quickly, Carr tells his quarterback to run 34 power trap right. The quarterback calls the play and hands off to the running back, who is immediately swarmed by Buckeye linebackers in the backfield. The game ends and Ohio State fans storm the field to celebrate. From the sideline, Carr looks toward heaven and says, “Why Lord? Why did you tell me to run 34 power trap right?” The same booming voice answers, “I DON'T KNOW. WHY DID WE RUN 34 POWER TRAP, WOODY?”

Two Michigan fans were walking down the street when they came upon a dog lying on the sidewalk. The dog was licking and cleaning itself like dogs do. The first Michigan fan said to the second, “Boy, I wish I could do that.” The second Michigan fan replied, “Yeah, me too. But I wouldn't try it.” The first Michigan fan asked, “Why not?” The second Michigan fan replied: “Because I'm afraid the dog might bite me.”

Did you hear that a semi-truck carrying pigs that flipped over on the Michigan campus? Officials had to check IDs before letting anyone back on board.

A little boy and his mother were walking through the cemetery when they spotted a headstone that read “Here lies a Michigan graduate and a good man.” The little boy turned to his mother and asked, “Mommy, why did they bury two people in there?”

A Michigan fan walks into the doctor's office with a frog on his head. The doctor asks, “What's wrong?” The frog says, “I was wondering if you could help me get this wart off my butt.”

NOT SURE WHO THE JOKE IS ON

A guy named Bob received a free ticket to the Ohio State vs. Michigan game from his company. Unfortunately, when he arrived at the stadium, he discovered the seat was in the last row in the corner of the stadium way back in the south stands. About halfway through the first quarter, he noticed an empty seat 10 rows off the field at the 50-yard line. He decided to take a chance and made his way down to the empty seat. As he sat down, he asked the gentleman sitting next to him, “Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?” The man said, “No.” Very excited to have such a great seat for the game, Bob said, “That's incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the Ohio State-Michigan game and not use?” The man replied, “Actually, that seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Ohio State game we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967.” Bob said, “Well, that's really sad. Couldn't you find a friend or a relative to come with you?” “No,” the man replied. “They're all at the funeral.”

* * * * *

MICHIGAN JOKES

Q: Why do they throw out a sack of manure at University of Michigan weddings?
A: To keep the flies off the bride.

Q: Why don't Michigan fans let their kids play in sand boxes?
A: Because the cats keep covering them up.

Q: What happened to the Michigan fan who locked his keys in his car?
A: He couldn't get his family out.

Q: Why do University of Michigan fans keep their diplomas on their dashboards?
A: So they can park in handicap spaces.

Q: What do you call a good looking girl on the Michigan campus?
A: A visitor.

Q: What do you get when you cross a Michigan fan and a pig?
A: Nothing. There are some things that a pig won't do.

Q: What's the only sign of intelligent life in Ann Arbor?
A: Columbus: 187 miles.

Q: Why is ice no longer available at Michigan football games?
A: Because the senior who knew the recipe finally graduated.

Q: What are the three longest years of a Michigan football player's life?
A: His freshman year.

Q: Why should Michigan change its color from blue to orange?
A: You can wear it to the game on Saturday, for hunting on Sunday and to pick up trash along the highways the rest of the week.

Q: What kind of car does Jim Tressel own?
A: A Lloyd Carr!

Q: How many University of Michigan fans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. It's a sophomore course.

Q: Where was O. J. headed in the white Bronco?
A: Ann Arbor , Michigan . He knew that the police would probably never look there for a Heisman Trophy winner.
Posted By: seaexplore

Re: Smiles for the day - 11/16/07 04:51 AM

I'm sensing some haterade was drank/drunk today by someone who's not too fond of Michigan!!! 8o) Those are some good jokes!
Posted By: reaper

Re: Smiles for the day - 11/16/07 06:24 AM

Otter..I'm in stiches..oldies but goodies!!!!
Go Buckeyes!!!!!
Posted By: Chachacoconut

Re: Smiles for the day - 11/16/07 10:16 AM


The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got
their Tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.
Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabe,
look toward sky, what you see?"
The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically
speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially
billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.
Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the
morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and
insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful
day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?"

Tonto replies, "You dumber than buffalo shit - It mean someone steal tent."

Posted By: Chachacoconut

Re: Smiles for the day - 11/17/07 11:53 AM

Subject: Who's yo Daddy????





The following are all replies that Detroit women have written on Child Support Agency Forms in the section for listing "father's details;" or putting it another way.... Who's yo Daddy? These are genuine excerpts from the forms.

(Be sure to check out #11. It takes 1st prize and #3 is runner up.)

1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, Makeeshia was fathered by Maclearndon McKinley I am unsure as to the identity of the father of Marlinda, but I believe that she was conceived on the same night.

2. I am unsure, as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.

3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 3600 East Grand Boulevard where I had sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you please send me his phone number? Thanks.

4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.

5. I have never had sex with a man. I am still a Virginian. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was ejaculate and that he is the Saver risen again.

6. I cannot tell you the name of Alleshia dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country. Please advise.

7. I do not know who the father of my child was as they all look the same to me.

8. Tyrone Hairston is the father of child A If you do catch up with him,can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs? Child B who was also borned at the same time.... well, I don't have clue.

9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Disney World; maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom .

10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I had stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 8956 Miller Ave , mine might have remained unfertilized.

11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all, like when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.

Yep, you guessed it right - you & I are all paying taxes to support these dim wits !!!!!!!!!!!
crazy
Posted By: Sun&sand

Re: Smiles for the day - 11/17/07 02:03 PM

The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this very tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love with you."
"Yes, she says, "I remember it well." "OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"
"Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these
two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen.

This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.

The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, I've got to ask them what their secret is. So, as the couple passes, he says to them,
"Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."
Posted By: Chachacoconut

Re: Smiles for the day - 11/18/07 01:35 PM

Ouch !
Posted By: azbob

Re: Smiles for the day - 11/20/07 05:02 PM

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes.
We decided to grab a bite at the food court.
I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.
The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue.
My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time.

When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked,
"What's the matter old man, never done anything wild
in your life?"

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so
that I would not choke on his response; knowing he
would have a good one. And in classic style he did not bat an eye
in his response.

"Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock.
I was just wondering if you were my son."

Posted By: Nova

Re: Smiles for the day - 11/23/07 01:35 PM

I urgently needed a few days off work but I knew the boss would not allow me to take leave. I thought that maybe if I acted 'Crazy', then he would tell me to take a few days off. So, I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises.

My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing. I told her
that I was pretending to be a light bulb, so the Boss might think I was 'Crazy' and give me a few days off. A few minutes later, the Boss came into the office and asked, 'What in the name of good GOD are you doing?' I told him I was a light bulb.

He said, 'You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days.' I jumped down and walked out of the office...

When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her,
'....and where do you think you're going?!'

(You're gonna love this)

She said, 'I'm going home too. I can't work in the dark.'

Posted By: ScubaLdy

Re: Smiles for the day - 11/23/07 02:13 PM

Don't know the source of this unofficial drought information, but:

It's so dry in Georgia that the Baptists are starting to baptize by sprinkling, the Methodists are using wet-wipes, the Presbyterians are giving out rain-checks, and the Catholics are praying for the wine to turn back into water.

Now THAT's Dry.

Posted By: VT-CDN

Re: Smiles for the day - 11/23/07 09:07 PM

Why Men do not Write Advice Columns


Dear Ted,
I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my
husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a
mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a
halt.
I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't
believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with a neighbor lady making mad
passionate love to her. I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married
for twelve years. When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he went
into the back yard and heard a lady scream, had come to her rescue but found
her unconscious. He'd carried the woman back to our house, laid her in bed,
and began CPR. When she awoke she immediately began thanking him and kissing
him and he was attempting to break free when I came back. But when I asked
him why neither of them had any clothes on, he broke down and admitted that
he'd been having an affair for the past six months.

I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six
months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and
worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he
has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him
anymore. Can you please help?
Sincerely,

Susie Fox


--------------------
Dear Susie,
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a
variety of faults. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel
line. If it is clear, check the clips holding the vacuum lines onto the
inlet manifold for air leaks. If none of these approaches solves the
problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low
delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.

I hope this helps.

Ted
Posted By: seaexplore

Re: Smiles for the day - 11/24/07 09:41 PM

Things that can only be said on Thanksgiving!

01. Talk about a huge breast!

02. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.

03. It's Cool Whip time!

04. If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!

05. That's one terrific spread!

06. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.

07. Are you ready for seconds yet?

08. Its a little dry, do you still want to eat it?

09. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!

10. Don't play with your meat.

11. Just spread the legs open and stuff it in.

12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?

13. I didn't expect everyone to come at once!

14. You still have a little bit on your chin.

15. How long will it take after you stick it in?

16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.

17. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!

18. That's the biggest one I've ever seen!
Posted By: Barnacle

Re: Smiles for the day - 11/25/07 12:54 AM

good one,, and i have used/heard them all!!
Posted By: Leah-Ann

Re: Smiles for the day - 11/27/07 02:36 PM

A reporter when up into the hills of West Virginia to research an article about the area. He met an old man in a small town and asked him about memorable events in his life.
"Well, one time my favorite sheep got lost. So me and my neighbors got some moonshine and went looking for it. We finally found the sheep. Then we drank the moonshine and wound up screwing the sheep. It was a lot of fun!"
The reporter knew he couldn't write an article about that, so he asked the old man to tell him another story.
"Well, one time my neighbor's wife got lost, so me and all the village men got some moonshine and went out looking for her. We finally found her. Then we drank the moonshine and screwed her. Now that was a lot of fun!"
The frustrated reporter told the old man that he couldn't write articles about those stories and asked him if he had any sad memories he could talk about.
The old man paused, then said, "Well, one time I got lost...... "
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Smiles for the day - 11/28/07 10:43 AM

Never Argue with a Woman

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")

"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her

"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading"

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"For reading a book," she replies,

"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her again,

"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading"

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with Sexual assault," says the woman.

"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."

"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.


MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think
Posted By: azbob

Re: Smiles for the day - 11/28/07 11:17 PM

The Buffalo Theory
(In one episode of ‘Cheers’, Cliff is seated at the bar describing the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. I’ve never heard the concept explained any better than this…)

“Well you see, Norm, it’s like this…A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the lowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers.”


Drink more Belikin’s and make it cold!

Pass this along to our drinking friends, we all need HELP!
Posted By: ScubaLdy

Re: Smiles for the day - 11/29/07 05:18 AM

Irishman and Mormon



A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from

London. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.

The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought

and placed before him.



The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a

drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by

a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."



The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and

said, "Me too. I didn't know we had a choice."
Posted By: Chachacoconut

Re: Smiles for the day - 11/29/07 11:34 AM

[size:11pt][size:14pt]
A guy stuck his head into a barber shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About two hours."

The guy left.

A few days later the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around at the shop and said," About three hours."

The guy left.

A week later the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and a half."

The guy left.

The barber turned to a friend and said, "Hey, Bill, do me a favor. Follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back.

"A little while later Bill returned to the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asked, "So where does that guy go when he leaves?"

Bill looked up, tears in his eyes from laughter and said,

"Your house."
[/size][/size]
smirk
Posted By: VT-CDN

Re: Smiles for the day - 11/29/07 09:04 PM

Murphy's Lesser Known Laws

1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

2. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

3. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

4. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented! fool.

5. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

6. If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog.

7. Things that come to those who wait will be the scraggly junk left by those who got there first.

8. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

9. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

10. When you go into court, you are putting yourself into the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty
Posted By: Ernie B

Re: Smiles for the day - 11/29/07 09:09 PM

"Murphy" was a grunt.
Posted By: AKloon

Re: Smiles for the day - 11/30/07 06:11 PM

Here are the ten first place winners in the International Pun Contest:

1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The
stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!"

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron." The other says "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
"But why?", they asked, as they moved off.
"Because," he said," I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open
foyer."

7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption.

One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him "Juan. " Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

8. A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close.

Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop.

Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
Posted By: Sun&sand

Re: Smiles for the day - 11/30/07 06:32 PM

UGH....now, to copy and paste to send to my weirdo friends.!!!
Posted By: Chachacoconut

Re: Smiles for the day - 12/02/07 01:32 PM

[size:11pt]
Four Worms and a lesson

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.???

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermo n, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol - Dead.

The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead

Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead

Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.


So the Minister asked the congregation -

What can you learn from this demonstration?
Maxine was setting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,

'As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!'

That pretty much ended the service --
Wow, way to go shocked












[font:Comic Sans MS]
[/font][/size]
Posted By: Bill Mc Ghee

Re: Smiles for the day - 12/03/07 01:26 PM

REPLACEMENT WINDOWS


Last year I replaced all the windows in my house,
with that expensive double-pane energy efficient kind,
and today........,
I got a call from the contractor who installed them.

He was complaining that the work,
had been completed a whole year ago,
and I still hadn't paid for them.

Hellloooo,...........just because I'm blonde,
doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid.

So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy,
had told me last year,that in ONE YEAR,
these windows would pay for themselves!

Helllooooo? It's been a year! I told him .

There was only silence at the other end of the line,
so I finally just hung up.

He never called back.
Guess I won that stupid argument.

I bet he felt like an idiot.
Posted By: ScubaLdy

Re: Smiles for the day - 12/03/07 04:42 PM

I'll have to remember this one!
Posted By: ScubaLdy

Re: Smiles for the day - 12/05/07 04:05 AM

Subject: 86-year old lady's letter to bank.

Shown below is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by an 86 year old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.

Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month.


By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.

I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, --- when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.

From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.

Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.

I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows:

IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH

#1. To make an appointment to see me
#2. To query a missing payment.
#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there
#4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping
#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
#6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home
#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.
#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.
#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.
#10. This is a second reminder to press* for English. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?

Your Humble Client


(Remember: This was written by an 86 year old woman)
'YA JUST GOTTA LOVE ' US SENIORS’!!!!!

And remember: Don't make old ladies mad. They don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to set them off.
Posted By: Bill Mc Ghee

Re: Smiles for the day - 12/05/07 06:31 AM

Excellent Harriette, If only we could !!
I have set up a system with my Bank. " Don't call me, I'll call you. So far , I have recieved no calls smile
Posted By: shuffles

Re: Smiles for the day - 12/05/07 05:05 PM

A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened.

Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00.
When The postal authorities received the letter to God, USA
they decided to send it to the President.

The president was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. The President thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read:

Dear God:

Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington DC and those a**holes deducted $95.00 in taxes.
Posted By: azbob

Re: Smiles for the day - 12/05/07 08:42 PM

Hope this touches you the way it touched me . . .

GOODBYE MOM



A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him.

She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said,

'I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease;

it's just that you look so much like my late son.'

He answered, 'That's okay.'

'I know it's silly, but if you'd call out 'Good bye, Mom' as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy.'

She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, 'Goodbye, Mom.'

The little old lady waved, and smiled back at him.

Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries.

'That comes to $121.85,' said the clerk.

'How come so much ... I only bought 5 items..'

The clerk replied, 'Yeah, but your Mother said

you'd be paying for her things, too.'




'Don't trust little Old Ladies'!!!





Posted By: Nova

Re: Smiles for the day - 12/08/07 03:13 PM

Did you hear that the Redneck governor's mansion burned down?
"Yep. Prit'near took out the whole trailer park. The library was a total loss too. Both books went poof . . . up in flames and the governor hadn't even finished coloring one of them."

A State Trooper pulls over a pickup on Highway 16 and says to the driver, "Got any I.D. ?" . . and the driver replies "Bout wut?"

How do you know when you're staying in a Redneck hotel?
When you call the front desk and say, "I gotta leak in my sink", and the clerk replies, "Go ahead."


Posted By: azbob

Re: Smiles for the day - 12/10/07 08:09 PM

10 year olds' blues!


A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.

"I don't want to know," the child said, bursting into tears.



"Promise me you won't tell me."

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

The boy sobbed, "When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech.
At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech.
When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech.
If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really get laid,



I'll have nothing left to live for."

Posted By: VT-CDN

Re: Smiles for the day - 12/11/07 02:50 AM

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. After ordering their cornbread and beans, they talk about the latest addition to their junkyard business.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.
One of the hillbillies looks at her and says "Kin ya swallar?" The woman shakes her head no.
"Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.
As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar. His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver', but I ain't never seed nobody do it."
Posted By: Nova

Re: Smiles for the day - 12/12/07 12:19 AM

CHRISTMAS CAROLS FOR THE DISTURBED

1. Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?

2. Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Kings Disoriented Are

3. Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas

4. Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

5. Manic - Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and.....

6. Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me

7. Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire

8. Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why

9. Attention Deficit Disorder --- Silent night, Holy oooh look at the Froggy - can I have a chocolate, why is France so far away?

10. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder --- Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle,Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells , Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, .......

Posted By: seaexplore

Re: Smiles for the day - 12/13/07 04:36 AM

A woman went to her doctor. The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, 'I have some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order.'

The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting. 'Well daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't
go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. Let's head to the club and have a martini.'

After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two
were celebrating.

The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end. 'I've been diagnosed with AIDS.' The friends were aghast and gave the woman their condolences. After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, ' Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS.' The woman said, 'I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I'm gone.'

Hell yes we are evil.....
Posted By: Nova

Re: Smiles for the day - 12/13/07 06:46 PM

Hahahaha Good one!
Posted By: Bill Mc Ghee

Re: Smiles for the day - 12/14/07 05:45 AM

A blonde came running up to her husband in the driveway as he came home from work just jumping for joy. He didn't know why she was jumping for joy but thought, what the heck, and started jumping up and down with her.

She said, 'Honey, I have some really great news for you!'

He said, 'Great, tell me what you're so happy about!'

She stopped jumping and was breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, when she told him that she was pregnant!

He kissed her and told her, 'That's great! I couldn't be happier!'

Then, she said, 'Oh, honey, there's more!'

He asked, 'What do you mean, 'more?''

She said, 'Well, we are not having just one baby, we are going to have TWINS!'

Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, he asked her how she knew.

She said, 'Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and bought the TWIN PACK home pregnancy test kit and BOTH tests came out positive!!'

Posted By: VT-CDN

Re: Smiles for the day - 12/15/07 01:03 AM

Your smile for the day. Of course we don’t know anyone described here. Right?


Be Careful Out There:

IDIOT SIGHTING:

We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a "large" enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, "Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower." I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, "NO, it's not." Four is larger than two.."

We haven't used Sears repair since.

IDIOT SIGHTING

My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter. She said, "you gave me too much money." I said, "Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back." She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said "We're sorry but they could not do that kind of thing." The clerk then proceeded to give me back$1 and 75 cents in change.


Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.

IDIOT SIGHTING:

I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: "Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore."

From Kingman , KS .

IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE:

My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce.." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceburg lettuce.

From Kansas City

IDIOT SIGHTING:

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled knowingly and nodded,

"That's why we ask."

Happened in Birmingham , Ala.

IDIOT SIGHTING:

The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!"

She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS


IDIOT SIGHTING:

At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker. She was leaving the company due to "downsizing." Our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often." Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.

This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.



IDIOT SIGHTING:

I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.

A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office, no less.



IDIOT SIGHTING:

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the drivers side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "its open!" His reply, "I know. I already got that side."

This was at the Ford dealership in Canton , Mississippi

STAY ALERT!

They walk among us... and the scary part is that they VOTE
Posted By: Chachacoconut

Re: Smiles for the day - 12/16/07 01:41 PM

[size:11pt][size:11pt][size:14pt] An elderly gentleman... had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."
The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"


Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"
Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."
"Really!? Like a new born baby!?"
"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."



An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."
The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"
The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... The one that's red and has thorns."
"Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"


Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
"I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."


Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. "Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks. "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream ?"
"Sure."
"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks.
"No, I can remember it."
"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?"
He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?" she asks.
Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!"
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, t he old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.
"Where's my toast?"


A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
"So I hear you're getting married?"
"Yep!"
"Do I know her?"
"Nope!"
"This woman, is she good looking?"
"Not really."
"Is she a good cook?"
"Naw, she can't cook too well."
"Does she have lots of money?"
"Nope! Poor as a church mouse."
"Well, then, is she good in bed?"
"I don't know."
"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"
"Because she can still drive!"


Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says, "No, it's Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."


A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor . "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful."

One more. . !

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
"No," he replied, "Arthritis."
[/size] wink[/size][/size]
Posted By: ScubaLdy

Re: Smiles for the day - 12/16/07 03:36 PM

An older woman went to the doctor and complained of bad gas. “But,” she explained, “It doesn’t smell and doesn’t make any sound.”
The doctor checked her over, gave her a prescription and told her to come back in a week.
When she came back he asked how she was doing she almost cried, “Oh, it’s much worse, now it stinks.”
The doctor kept a straight face as he said, “Now that we have fixed your nose we can start working on your hearing.”
Posted By: ScubaLdy

Re: Smiles for the day - 12/16/07 03:41 PM

TRUE STORY
A five year old boy just could not sit still in the packed waiting room on the Urgent Care Clinic. After being told many times by the mother to sit still she picked him up, slammed him into a chair and said SIT!
The boy started wailing “You broke both my balls!”
Everyone turned to glare at the mother then the boy put his hands in his back pockets and pulled out two smashed ping pong balls.
An old man across the room came over, gave the boy a five dollar bill and said “Thank you, you did more for me today than any doctor could have.”
Posted By: Barnacle

Re: Smiles for the day - 12/17/07 03:24 PM

a blonde and a redhead are walking down the street when they notice the redheads boyfriend at the flower store.
"oh crap,, he's buying me more flowers" sez the redhead.
"what,, you don't like flowers?" the blonde asks.
"oh, i like flowers all right. but they always come with expectations. i don't want to spend the next week with my legs in the air".
"what? you don't have a vase?"
Posted By: Barnacle

Re: Smiles for the day - 12/17/07 03:28 PM

A guy walks into the local unemployment office,
marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi.
You know, I just HATE drawing unemployment
checks. I'd really rather have a job."
The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is
excellent. We just got a job opening from a very
wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard
for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to
drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all
of your clothes. Because of the long hours,
meals will be provided. You'll be expected to
escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You'll
have a two bedroom apartment above the garage.
The starting salary is $200,000 a year."
The guy says, "You're bullshitting me!"
The social worker says, "Yeah, well, you started it."

Posted By: tacogirl

Re: Smiles for the day - 12/17/07 04:35 PM


After reading this it is all coming back why we came here ha ha.

NEW OFFICE POLICY

Dress Code:

1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your
salary.

2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag,
we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need
a raise.

3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.

4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of
sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to
work.

Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are
called Saturdays & Sundays.

Bereavement Leave:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you! can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Bathroom Breaks:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is
now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders' category.

Posted By: Barnacle

Re: Smiles for the day - 12/17/07 05:12 PM

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket -- If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting.
He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail. The cabbie said (adopt appropriate dialect), "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.
One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport.
Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make theguy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.
The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport," he asked? "Fifteen bucks," came the reply. "And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?" "What?! Get the hell out of my cab." The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result.
When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabbie replied "fifteen bucks." The businessman said "ok" and off they went. Then, as the drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.
Posted By: Barnacle

Re: Smiles for the day - 12/17/07 05:17 PM

Old Irish Poem

May You Always Be Smiling, And Never Shed A Tear

Blah Blah Blah , Blah Blah Blah

Now Let’s Go Get A Beer
Author Unknown
Posted By: VT-CDN

Re: Smiles for the day - 12/17/07 07:05 PM

Maria just got married, and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous. But her mother reassured her. "Don't worry, Maria. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs, and he'll take care of you." So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest.

Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest." "Don't worry, Maria", says the mother, "All good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you."

So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again Maria ran downstairs to her mother.

"Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants, and he's got hairy legs!" "Don't worry. All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs, and he'll take good care of you." So, up she went again. When she got up there, Tony took off his socks, and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!"

"Stay here and stir the pasta", says the mother. "This is a job for Mama!
Posted By: Barnacle

Re: Smiles for the day - 12/17/07 09:26 PM

I thought it would be a nice idea to bring a date to my parents' house on Christmas Eve.
I thought it would be interesting for a non-Italian girl
to see how a real Italian family spends the holidays.
I thought my mother and my date would hit it off like partridges and pear trees. So, I was wrong!!! So, sue me!!!

I had only known Karen for three weeks when I extended the invitation.
"I know these family things can be a little weird," I told her, "but my folks are great, and we always have a lot of fun on Christmas Eve."
"Sounds fine to me," Karen said.
I had only known my mother for 31 years when I told her I'd be bringing Karen with me.
"She's a very nice girl and she's really looking forward
to meeting all of you."
"Sounds fine to me," my mother said.
And that was that. Two telephone calls. Two "sounds-fine-to-me." What more could I want?
I should point out, I suppose, that in Italian households, Christmas Eve is the social event of the season -- an Italian woman's day to shine. She cleans. She cooks. She bakes. She orchestrates every minute of the entire evening. Christmas Eve is what Italian women live for.
I should also point out, I suppose, that when it comes to the kind of women that make Italian men go nuts, Karen is it. She doesn't clean. She doesn't cook. She doesn't bake. AND she has the largest breasts I have ever seen on a human being.
I brought her anyway.

7p.m. -- We arrive.

Karen and I walk in and putter around for half an hour waiting for the other guests to show up. During that half hour, my mother grills Karen like a cheeseburger and quickly determines that Karen does not clean, cook, or bake. My father is equally observant. He pulls me into the living room and notes, "She has the largest breasts I have ever seen on a human being."

7:30p.m. - Others arrive.

Uncle Vito walks in with my Aunt Tessie - assorted kids - assorted gifts.
We sit around the dining room table for antipasto, a perfectly composed platter of lettuce, roasted peppers, black olives, salami, proscuitto, provolone, and anchovies.
When I offer to make Karen's plate she says,
"Thank you. But none of those things. Okay?" She points to the anchovies.
"You don't like anchovies?" I ask.
"I don't like fish," Karen announces to one and all, as 67 other varieties of foods-that-swim are baking, broiling and simmering in the next room.
My mother makes the sign of the cross. I sweat some. Seems like the thermostat has been set higher.
Aunt Tessie asks Karen what her family eats on Christmas Eve. Karen says, "Knockwurst."
My father, who is still staring in a daze, at Karen's chest, temporarily snaps out of it to murmur, "Knockers?"
My mother kicks him so hard he gets a blood clot. None of this is turning out the way I'd hoped.

8:00p.m. - Second course.

The spaghetti and crab sauce is on the way to the table. Karen declines the crab sauce and says she'll make her own with butter and ketchup.
My mother asks me to join her in the kitchen.
I take my "Merry Christmas" napkin from my lap, place it on the "Merry Christmas" tablecloth and walk into the kitchen.
"I don't want to start any trouble," my mother says calmly, clutching a bottle of ketchup in her hands. "But if she pours this on my pasta, I'm going to throw acid on her face."
"Come on," I tell her. "It's Christmas. Let her eat what she wants."
My mother considers the situation, then reluctantly nods.
As I turn to walk back into the dining room, she grabs my shoulder. "Tell me the truth," she says, "are you serious with this tramp?"
"She's not a tramp," I reply. "And I've only known her for three weeks."
"Well, it's your life", she tells me, "but if you marry her, she'll poison you."

8:30p.m. - More fish.

My stomach is knotted like one of those macramé plant hangers that are always three times larger than the plants they hold. All the women get up to clear away the spaghetti dishes, except for Karen, who, instead, lights a cigarette. At the table.
"Why don't you give them a little hand?" I politely suggest.
Karen makes a face and walks into the kitchen carrying three forks.
"Dear, you don't have to do that," my mother tells her, smiling painfully.
"Oh, okay," Karen says, putting the forks in the sink. As she reenters the dining room, a wine glass flies over her head, and smashes against the wall. From the kitchen, my mothersays, "Whoops."
I vaguely remember that line from Torch Song Trilogy. "Whoops?" No. "Whoops is when you fall
down an elevator shaft."
More fish comes out. After some goading, Karen tries a piece of
scungilli, which she describes as "slimy, like worms."
My mother winces, bites her hand and pounds her chest like one of those old women you always see in the sixth row of a funeral home. Aunt Tessie does the same.
Karen, believing that this is something that all Italian women do on Christmas Eve, bites her hand and pounds her chest. Both of her chest.
My Uncle Vito doesn't know what to make of it. My father's dentures fall out and chew a six-inch gash in the tablecloth.

10:00p.m. - Coffee, dessert.

Espresso all around. A little anisette. A curl of lemon peel. When Karen asks for milk, my mother finally slaps her in the face with cannoli.
I guess it had to happen sooner or later. Karen, believing that this is something that all Italian women do on Christmas Eve, picks up cannoli and slaps my mother with it.
"This is fun," Karen says. Fun? No. Fun is when you fall down an elevator shaft. But, amazingly, everyone is laughing and smiling and filled with good cheer -- even my mother, who grabs me by the shoulder, laughs and says, "Get this &!+@# out of my house. NOW!"

Sounds fine to me.
_____________________________
Posted By: Barnacle

Re: Smiles for the day - 12/17/07 09:54 PM

An Indiana farm wife called the local phone company to report her
telephone failed to ring when her friends called -- and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her pet dog always moaned right before the phone rang.
The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile elderly lady.
He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and
dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned loudly and the telephone began to ring. Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found,,,
1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire via a
steel chain and collar.
2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the
phone number was called.
4. After a couple of such jolts, the dog would start moaning and
then urinate on himself and the ground.
5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the
phone to ring.
Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and
moaning.
Posted By: 7thday

Re: Smiles for the day - 12/18/07 07:28 AM

A young man took his dad out to eat at a food court in the mall

A teenager sat at a near by table with spiked hair in multi
colors.
Dad sat staring at him ,Me I adverted my eyes and kept eating.
all of a sudden the teenager leaned forward and hollered .Old man what are you staring at.
Swolling my food quickly,I waited for dad to speak,thinking boy this is going to be good.

My Dad smiled and said"Son I got really bad drunk a long time ago
and mate-ed with a peacock and I was just wondering if you might be my son " (;=_=;} smile
Posted By: Otteralum

Re: Smiles for the day - 12/18/07 01:28 PM

I love this joke -- a threepeat on this one -- sweet.
Posted By: Hon

Re: Smiles for the day - 12/18/07 03:48 PM

[Linked Image]
Posted By: seaexplore

Re: Smiles for the day - 12/19/07 02:18 AM

The Stella Awards
SURE BEATS WORKING FOR A LIVING


 It's time again for the annual "Stella Awards"! For those
 unfamiliar with these awards, they are named after 81-year-old Stella
 Liebeck who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued the
 McDonald's in New Mexico where she purchased the coffee. You remember,
 she took the lid off the coffee and put it between her knees while she
 was driving. Who would ever think one could get burned doing that,
 right?
  
 That's right; these are awards for the most outlandish lawsuits and
 verdicts in the U.S. You know, the kinds of cases that make you scratch
 your head. So keep your head scratcher handy.
 
  Here are the Stella's for the past year:
 
   7TH PLACE :
  
 Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas was awarded $80,000 by a jury of
 her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was
 running inside a furniture store. The store owners were understandably
 surprised by the verdict, considering the running toddler was her own
 son.
  
  6TH PLACE :
 
  Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles, California won $74,000 plus medical
 expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Truman
 apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when
 he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.
 
  Go ahead, grab your head scratcher.
  
  5TH PLACE :
 
  Terrence Dickson, of Bristol, Pennsylvania, was leaving a house he
 had just burglarized by way of the garage. Unfortunately for Dickson,
 the automatic garage door opener malfunctioned and he could not get the
 garage door to open. Worse, he couldn't re-enter the house because the
 door connecting the garage to the house locked when Dickson pulled it
 shut. Forced to sit for eight, count 'em, EIGHT, days on a case of Pepsi
 and a large bag of dry dog food, he sued the homeowner's insurance
 company claiming undue mental Anguish. Amazingly, the jury said the
 insurance company must pay Dickson $500,000 for his anguish. We should
 all have this kind of anguish.
  
 Keep scratching. There are more...
  
4TH PLACE :
 
  Jerry Williams, of Little Rock, Arkansas, garnered 4th Place in the
 Stellas when he was awarded $14,500 plus medical expenses after being
 bitten on the butt by his next door neighbor's beagle - even though the
 beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. Williams did not get
 as much as he asked for because the jury believed the beagle might have
 been provoked at the time of the butt bite because Williams had climbed
 over the fence into the yard and repeatedly shot the dog with a pellet
 gun.
  
 Grrrrr ... Scratch, scratch.
 
   3RD PLACE :
 
  Third place goes to Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania because
 a jury ordered a Philadelphia restaurant to pay her $113,500 after she
 slipped on a spilled soft drink and broke her tailbone. The reason the
 soft drink was on the floor: Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend
 30 seconds earlier during an argument. What ever happened to people
 being responsible for their own actions?
 
  Scratch, scratch, scratch. Hang in there; there are only two more
 Stellas to go...
  
  2ND PLACE :
  
 Kara Walton, of Claymont, Delaware sued the owner of a night club in
 a nearby city because she fell from the bathroom window to the floor,
 knocking out her two front teeth. Even though Ms. Walton was trying to
 sneak through the ladies room window to avoid paying the $3.50 cover
 charge, the jury said the night club had to pay her $12,000....oh, yeah,
 plus dental expenses. Go figure.
 
 1ST PLACE : (May I have a fanfare played on 50 kazoos please)
  
 This year's runaway First Place Stella Award winner was Mrs.. Merv
 Grazinski, of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, who purchased a new 32-foot
 Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home from an OU football game,
 having driven onto the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and
 calmly left the driver's seat to go to the back of the Winnebago to make
 herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the motor home left the freeway,
 crashed and overturned. Also not surprisingly, Mrs. Grazinski sued
 Winnebago for not putting in the owner's manual that she couldn't
 actually leave the driver's seat while the cruise control was set. The
 Oklahoma jury awarded her, are you sitting down, $1,750,000 PLUS a new
 motor home. Winnebago actually changed their manuals as a result of this
 suit, just in case Mrs. Grazinski has any relatives who might also buy a
 motor home.
 
  Are we, as a society, getting more stupid...?
  
Posted By: Leah-Ann

Re: Smiles for the day - 12/19/07 02:50 AM

Ah - these make the rounds every few months - funny, just not true!

http://www.snopes.com/legal/lawsuits.asp
Posted By: seaexplore

Re: Smiles for the day - 12/19/07 02:54 AM

yeah- i kinda figured they weren't true but i needed a laugh and figured I'd share!
Posted By: 7thday

Re: Smiles for the day - 12/19/07 07:40 AM

I needed to laugh and these were just the right stuff.
Thanks for the smiles

As a nurse of the old school we had to do the phyiscal thearpy
and I was doing home health my patient was 92 and just had a pacemaker . She was sent home and her Daughter came to stay with her.
When I arrived her Daughter Said " Mother please find something to be grateful for today." After all the exercises and a walk around the house. I get her back to her bed.
After geting her covered up she looks up at me and says."
Thank the Lord for the man that made this bed ."
I not only laughed I sent it in to the readers digest
and it was published under all in a days work . Yep that was many years ago. You know somthing I have felt the same way many times . I think of that dear Lady almost ever day .
After a good days work I still smile . Hope "Yah-All" got a smile out of this . {;=_=;}
Posted By: KC Jayhawk

Re: Smiles for the day - 12/19/07 03:22 PM

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!

Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.

Here's what happened:
Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.
"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"
I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.
"Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"
"Oh, my gosh!" my wife exclaimed. "She's having babies."
"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"
I was equally outraged.
"Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I said accusingly to my wife.
"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired (I think she actually said this sarcastically!).
"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth).
"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.
"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she informed me (Again with the sarcasm!).
By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.
"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I announced "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."

"Oh, gross!" they shrieked.
"Well, isn't THAT just great? What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know.
We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.
"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.
"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.
"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.
"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.
"Should I call 911?", my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)
"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.
"Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.
"I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young, I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.).
The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.
"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.
"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"
I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.
"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.
"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen. . . Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um . . um . . . masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife.

We were silent, absorbing this.
"So, Ernie's just ... just . . . excited," my wife offered.
"Exactly," the vet replied , relieved that we understood.
More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.
"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.
Tears were now running down her face. "It's just .that . . I'm picturing you pulling on its . . . its. . . teeny little . . " She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.
"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.
"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad," he told me.
"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.
Two lizards: $140.
One cage: $50.
Trip to the vet: $30.
Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's willy: Priceless!
Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class. Lizards lay eggs.
Posted By: Bill Mc Ghee

Re: Smiles for the day - 12/19/07 04:36 PM

An elderly married couple scheduled their annual medical examination the same day so they could travel together.

After the examination, the doctor then said to the elderly man, "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me?"

"In fact I do," said the elderly man. "After I have sex with my wife the first time, I am usually hot and sweaty, and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually cold and chilly."

The doctor said he would make a note of that and see what some lab tests revealed.

After examining the elderly lady, the doctor said, "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"

The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.

The doctor then asked, "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why that could be?"

"Oh that crazy old fart!" she replied. "That is because the first time is usually around July and the second time is usually in December!"

Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Smiles for the day - 12/20/07 03:31 AM

What is Santa's favourite pizza?

It's deep pan, crisp and even.
Posted By: Leah-Ann

Re: Smiles for the day - 12/20/07 03:32 AM

That's kinda funny!
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Smiles for the day - 12/20/07 03:32 AM

On which side do chickens have the most feathers?

The outside.
Posted By: Leah-Ann

Re: Smiles for the day - 12/20/07 03:33 AM

not so much...
Posted By: ScubaLdy

Re: Smiles for the day - 12/20/07 05:31 AM

KC - thanks so much - yes I laughed out loud all by my self and tears blotted my eye glasses.
Posted By: 7thday

Re: Smiles for the day - 12/20/07 05:59 AM

Yep, KC Hon you done real good .(*_*) Laughter is the best med
in the world . Tis a bountiful dose yah gave your wife ,and
friend I have laughed till I cried and Blush,Blush ,had a wee,wee
accident on me self next time before I read I will make a BR run
Thanks so much
Posted By: 7thday

Re: Smiles for the day - 12/20/07 06:04 AM

Hi Pedro 2 Now in Huntsville ,Al at the space center
A tour guide told us the chicken crossed the road to show the opossum it could be done {=_=}
Posted By: Sun&sand

Re: Smiles for the day - 12/20/07 03:13 PM

Menopause Jewelry

My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings,
bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be
able to monitor my moods.

We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it
turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a
big [#%!] red mark on his forehead.

Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond. Dumb ass.
Posted By: kwalkpt

Re: Smiles for the day - 12/21/07 06:14 PM

A blonde goes to the post office to buy stamps
for her Christmas cards. She says to
the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps?" The clerk says, "What denomination?" The blonde says,
"God help us. Has it come to this? Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists."
Posted By: 7thday

Re: Smiles for the day - 12/22/07 08:15 AM

Ok it's offical I'm glad my hair is now gray <:_:>
How funny !!
Posted By: Chachacoconut

Re: Smiles for the day - 12/22/07 12:08 PM

THE POTATO

Well, Girl Potato and Boy Potato

had eyes for each other,

and finally they got married,

and had a little sweet potato,

which they called 'Yam.'

Of course, they wanted the best for Yam.

When it was time,

they told her about the facts of life.

They warned her about going out

and getting half-baked,

so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed,

and get a bad name for herself like

'Hot Potato,'

and end up with a bunch of Tater Tots.

Yam said not to worry,

no Spud would get her into

the sack and make a rotten potato out of her!

But on the other hand

she wouldn't stay home

and become a Couch Potato either.

She would get plenty of exercise

so as not to be skinny

like her Shoestring cousins.

When she went off to Europe ,

Mr. and Mrs. Potato told Yam

to watch out for the hard-boiled guys from Ireland.

And the greasy guys from France

called the French Fries.

And when she went out west,

to watch out for the Indians

so she wouldn't get scalloped.

Yam said she would stay on

the straight and narrow and wouldn't associate

with those high class Yukon Golds,

or the ones from the other side of the tracks

who advertise their trade

on all the trucks that say,

'Frito Lay.'

Mr. and Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U.

(that's Potato University)

so that when she graduated

she'd really be in the Chips.

But in spite of all they did for her,

one-day Yam came home and announced

she was going to marry Tom Brokaw.

Tom Brokaw!

Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset.

They told Yam she couldn't

possibly marry Tom Brokaw

because he's just.......

Are you ready for this?


Are you sure?

*
*
*
*
*
*
*

OK! Here it is!

*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*

A COMMON TATER






--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
See AOL's
Posted By: Chachacoconut

Re: Smiles for the day - 12/22/07 12:25 PM


I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes. We decided to grab a bite at the food court.

I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had
spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. My dad
kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every
time.

When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, 'What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?

Knowing my dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; knowing he would have a good one.

And in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response, 'Got drunk once
and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.'


Posted By: Otteralum

Re: Smiles for the day - 12/22/07 03:39 PM

I think I heard that one somewhere before, hmmm. No less funny though smile
Posted By: SP Daily

Re: Smiles for the day - 12/22/07 03:54 PM

5th time on here...
Posted By: seaexplore

Re: Smiles for the day - 12/23/07 12:06 AM

love the old man eating out joke. always funny!
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Smiles for the day - 12/23/07 06:32 AM

It's been law in England since Oliver Cromwell introduced it that mince pies cannot be eaten on Christmas Day. The law has never been repealed and is still on the books, and probably (given the origins of Belizean law) applies here as well. So, BE CAREFUL!
Posted By: 7thday

Re: Smiles for the day - 12/25/07 06:00 AM

These women know their place.

Barbara Walters of Television's 20/20 did a story on gender roles in
Kabul, Afghanistan , several years before the Afghan conflict. She
noted that women customarily walked 5 paces behind their husbands.

She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind
their husbands.

From Ms. Walter's vantage point, despite the overthrow of the oppressive
Taliban regime, the women now seem to walk even further back behind
their husbands and are happy to maintain the old custom.

Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked,
"Why do you now seem happy with the old custom that you once tried so
desperately to change?"

The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes, and without
hesitation said, "Land mines."
Posted By: seaexplore

Re: Smiles for the day - 12/26/07 06:26 PM

LOL- that's awesome!
Posted By: KathyF

Re: Smiles for the day - 12/26/07 09:06 PM

Two guys were deer hunting in the woods and got lost. One of the hunters turned to the other one and said "I always heard that if you get lost you should fire 3 shots in the air and someone will come and rescue you." The other hunter said fine and fired 3 shots in the air. They sat down under a tree and waited to be rescued. After a few hours the first hunter said "You know, I don't think anyone is coming. Maybe you should fire 3 more shots in the air." The second hunter said "I would, but that was my last arrow."
Posted By: Bill Mc Ghee

Re: Smiles for the day - 12/27/07 05:49 PM

I wanted to send some sort of holiday greeting to you all, but it is so difficult in today's world to know exactly what to say without offending someone. So I met my lawyer yesterday, and on his advice I wish to say the following:

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non addictive, gender neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced with the most enjoyable traditions of religious persuasion or secular practices of your choice with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all.

I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and
medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2008, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make our country great (not to imply that the U.S. is necessarily greater than any other country) and without regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wishes.

By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms:

This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.

Bill

**Disclaimer:** No trees were harmed in the sending of this message;
however, a significant number of electrons were slightly inconvenienced.
Posted By: azbob

Re: Smiles for the day - 12/27/07 07:55 PM

BiIl Mc Ghee, this is excellent and funny, but sad to say it won't be to long until this is completely true for everything we do. Oh, how quickly we are getting there.
Posted By: Bill Mc Ghee

Re: Smiles for the day - 12/29/07 12:53 PM

The Hormone Guide

Women will understand this! Men should memorize it!

Every woman knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his hands! This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, co-worker or significant other!

DANGEROUS:
SAFER:
SAFEST:
ULTRA SAFE:

What's for dinner?
Can I help you with dinner?
Where would you like to go for dinner?
Here, have some wine.

Are you wearing that?
Wow, you sure look good in brown!
WOW! Look at you!
Here, have some wine

What are you so worked up about?
Could we be overreacting?
Here's my paycheck.
Here, have some wine.

Should you be eating that?
You know, there are a lot of apples left.
Can I get you a piece of chocolate with that?
Here, have some wine.

What did you DO all day?
I hope you didn't over-do it today.
I've always loved you in that robe!
Here, have somewine


13 Things PMS Stands For:

1. Pass My Shotgun

2. Psychotic Mood Shift

3. Perpetual Munching Spree

4. Puffy Mid-Section

5. People Make me Sick

6. Provide Me with Sweets

7. Pardon My Sobbing

8. Pimples May Surface

9. Pass My Sweat pants

10. Pissy Mood Syndrome

11. Plainly; Men Suck

12. Pack My Stuff

and my favorite one.

13. Potential Murder Suspect





And remember: Money talks but Chocolate SINGS !!!









Posted By: Barnacle

Re: Smiles for the day - 12/29/07 01:50 PM

a traveling salesman walks up to the house and knocks on the door.
the door opens and there stands a kid, about 8 yrs. old in his underwear, a hat, sunglasses.
he has a big cigar in one hand and a bottle of jack daniels in the other.
the salesman looks at him and asks,,"uh, hi son. are your parents home?"
the kid replies, "what the f**k do YOU think?"
Posted By: Barnacle

Re: Smiles for the day - 12/29/07 01:58 PM

a man walks into a bar with a large crocodile on a rope.
he loudly proclaims that he will bet anyone that he can place all his 'manhood' inside the crocks mouth for 2 minutes and not be hurt.
a few people take him up on the bet.
he prys open the crocks yapper and sticks aalll his 'stuff' inside the crocks mouth and the crocks closes his jaws.
2 minutes go by and the guy grabs a beer bottle and slams it over the crocks head. the crock opens his jaws and the man removes his 'unit' undamaged.
"OK,, who else wants to give it a try?" he asks as he is collecting his winnings.
after awhile, a shy voice comes from a blond girl in the back,,
"I'll try it,, just don't hit me with any beer bottles!"
Posted By: VT-CDN

Re: Smiles for the day - 01/02/08 06:56 PM



A very loud, unattractive, angry woman walked into Wal-Mart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.



The Wal-Mart Greeter said pleasantly,

"Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say,

"Hell no they ain't. The oldest one's 9 and the other one's 5.

Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?"

"I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am," replied the greeter.



"I just couldn't believe you got laid twice.




Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart."
Posted By: VT-CDN

Re: Smiles for the day - 01/03/08 01:48 AM

Since it is tax season let’s put tax cuts in terms everyone can understand.
Suppose that every day, ten men go out for beer and the bill for all ten comes to $100.
If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it would go something like this:
The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing.
The fifth would pay $1.
The sixth would pay $3.
The seventh would pay $7.
The eighth would pay $12.
The ninth would pay $18.
The tenth man (the richest) would pay $59.
So, that’s what they decided to do.
The ten men drank in the bar every day and seemed quite happy with the arrangement, until one day, the owner threw them a curve: “Since you are all such good customers,” he said, “I’m going to reduce the cost of your daily beer by $20. “Drinks for the ten now cost just $80.
The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes so the first four men were unaffected. They would still drink for free.
But what about the other six men - the paying customers? How could they divide the $20 windfall so that everyone would get his ‘fair share?’ They realized that $20 divided by six is $3.33. But if they subtracted that from everybody’s share, then the fifth man and the sixth man would each end up being paid to drink his beer.
So, the bar owner suggested that it would be fair to reduce each man’s bill by roughly the same amount, and he proceeded to work out the amounts each should pay.
And so:
The fifth man, like the first four, now paid nothing (100% savings).
The sixth now paid $2 instead of $3 (33%savings).
The seventh now pay $5 instead of $7 (28%savings).
The eighth now paid $9 instead of $12 (25% savings).
The ninth now paid $14 instead of $18 (22% savings).
The tenth now paid $49 instead of $59 (16% savings).
Each of the six was better off than before. And the first four continued to drink for free. But once outside the restaurant, the men began to compare their savings.
“I only got a dollar out of the $20,”declared the sixth man. He pointed to the tenth man,” but he got $10!”
“Yeah, that’s right,” exclaimed the fifth man. “I only saved a dollar, too. It’s unfair that he got ten times more than I!”
“That’s true!” shouted the seventh man. “Why should he get $10 back when I got only two? The wealthy get all the breaks!”
“Wait a minute,” yelled the first four men in unison. “We didn’t get anything at all. The system exploits the poor!”
The nine men surrounded the tenth and beat him up.
The next night the tenth man didn’t show up for drinks, so the nine sat down and had beers without him. But when it came time to pay the bill, they discovered something important. They didn’t have enough money between all of them for even half of the bill!
And that, boys and girls, journalists and college professors, is how our tax system works. The people who pay the highest taxes get the most benefit from a tax reduction. Tax them too much, attack them for being wealthy, and they just may not show up anymore. In fact, they might start drinking overseas where the atmosphere is somewhat friendlier.





Professor of Economics
Posted By: ChrisW

Re: Smiles for the day - 01/03/08 10:42 PM

"And that, boys and girls, journalists and college professors, is how our tax system works. The people who pay the highest taxes get the most benefit from a tax reduction. Tax them too much, attack them for being wealthy, and they just may not show up anymore. In fact, they might start drinking overseas where the atmosphere is somewhat friendlier."

Here is a joke:

In 1933 FDR executed a plan that included a 91% top tax rate. The money from the roaring twenties had all been concentrated in the hands of the wealthy and the middle class was being wiped out by the great depression. Realizing the negative implications of a two class society, FDR plan was basically to bolster the middle class by taking money from the rich.

Alarmed by Roosevelt's plan to redistribute wealth from the rich to the poor, a group of millionaire businessmen, led by the Du Pont and J.P. Morgan empires, made plans to overthrow Roosevelt with a military coup and install a fascist government modeled after Mussolini's regime in Italy. The businessmen tried to recruit General Smedley Butler, promising him an army of 500,000, unlimited financial backing and generous media spin control. The plot was foiled when Butler reports it to Congress. A short investigation was made and no charges were pressed.

Now that is funny... wink
Posted By: Chachacoconut

Re: Smiles for the day - 01/04/08 03:14 PM


Boudreaux left the bayou and moved to Arkansas where he bought him a donkey from an old farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The next day, the farmer drove up and said "I'm sorry, but I have some bad news. he donkey died last night."
" Well, den" said Boudreaux, " jus' give my money back, yeah. "
"I can't do that Sir, I went and spent it already."
"OK, den. Jus' unload dat donkey."
"What are you gonna do with him"
"I'm gon-to raffle him off."
"You can't raffle a dead donkey, you dumb Cajun!"
"Well dats where you wrong!! You wait you an' you learn how smart we Cajuns are!"
A month later the farmer ran into the Cajun and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?"
"I raffled dat donkey off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars apiece and made $998."
"Didn't anyone complain?"
"Just dat guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Smiles for the day - 01/04/08 11:14 PM

Seems topical:-

[Linked Image]
Posted By: Chachacoconut

Re: Smiles for the day - 01/06/08 12:37 PM


If you are choking on an ice cube simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. Presto! The blockage will instantly remove itself.

2. Avoid cutting yourself slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold while you chop.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by using the shower.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

7. You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

8. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

Daily Thought: SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES. NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.
Posted By: Chachacoconut

Re: Smiles for the day - 01/08/08 10:57 AM


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
DIVORCE VS. MURDER


A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to
the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to
buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I
can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law!
I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad
things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband
in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, that's
different. Y ou didn't tell me you had a p
Posted By: Sun&sand

Re: Smiles for the day - 01/08/08 02:11 PM

Last word there: prescription
Posted By: azbob

Re: Smiles for the day - 01/08/08 04:33 PM

Yet another unselfish act of heroism performed by a man wearing Anchors:

A young Marine Lieutenant decides to try horseback riding, even though he has had no lessons or prior experience. He mounts the horse, unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into action. As it gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, the LT. begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, he grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot get a firm grip. He tries to throw his arms around the horse's neck, but he slides down the side
of the horse anyway!

The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its' slipping rider. Finally, losing his frail grip, the LT attempts to leap away from the horse and throw himself to safety. Unfortunately, his foot becomes entangled in the stirrup, and he is now at the
mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as his head is struck against the ground over and over and over. As his head is battered against the ground and he is mere moments away from unconsciousness, to his great fortune, a Senior Chief shopping at Wal-Mart, sees him and unplugs the horse.
Posted By: Ernie B

Re: Smiles for the day - 01/08/08 05:12 PM

That aint funny, AZ grin
Posted By: SP Daily

Re: Smiles for the day - 01/08/08 05:23 PM

Heh, heh...
Posted By: Barnacle

Re: Smiles for the day - 01/08/08 08:00 PM

a sailor was flying home for leave and he was seated in the isle with 2 marines also going home for leave.
the sailor kicks back, removes his shoes, and relaxes.
soon the sailor has to pee. he asks the marines to let him out since he was in the window seat.
the marines grumble but stand up and let him out, if he will bring them back a couple cokes.
as the sailor is gone, marines being marines, each spit in the sailors shoes.
this whole ordeal takes place 3 more times during the long flight. each time the marines spit in the sailors shoes.
when they land at their destination, the sailor slips into his shoes. he knows something is wrong right away.
"you know,, after years and years of this going on between navy and marines, you would think it would stop"
"what do you mean?" asks a marine.
"you know,, you spitting in my shoes when i was gone,, me peeing in your cokes,, that stuff."
Posted By: ScubaLdy

Re: Smiles for the day - 01/08/08 11:22 PM

This may be a repeat:

Subject: Say What You Mean

There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room of other patients.

I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it:. An 86 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.

The Receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?"

"There's something wrong with my dick", he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that."
"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

The Receptionist replied; "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with
your ear or something, and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private."

The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone."

The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes??"

"There's something wrong with my ear", he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.


"And what is wrong with your ear, Sir??"


"I can't pee out of it," he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter.


Mess with seniors and yo u're gonna lose!

Posted By: ScubaLdy

Re: Smiles for the day - 01/08/08 11:47 PM

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen.
Aleve is also called Naproxen.
Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and
Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.
After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixad rupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.

Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT &DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040 there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
If you don't send this to five old friends right away there will be five fewer people laughing.
Posted By: ScubaLdy

Re: Smiles for the day - 01/08/08 11:58 PM

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance -- particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0, NBA 3.0, and Golf Clubs 4.1.(and NASCAR 500.0)

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these
problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed, Desperate
-------------------------------------

Dear Desperate:

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System. Please enter the command: 'I Thought You Loved Me.exe' and try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5,

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources).

Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0 .

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Food 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.
Posted By: azbob

Re: Smiles for the day - 01/09/08 11:29 PM

I found this beautiful winter poem and thought

it might be a comfort to all of you. It was to me, and

it's very well written.




' WINTER '
a poem by Abigail Elizabeth McIntyre


' SHIT, It's Cold ! '

The End

Posted By: seaexplore

Re: Smiles for the day - 01/11/08 02:13 AM

ROFLMAO! Thanks Bob!
Posted By: VT-CDN

Re: Smiles for the day - 01/11/08 02:30 AM

While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer, wine and liquor section. One asked the other if she would like a beer. The second nun answered that, indeed, it would be very nice to have one, but that she would feel uncomfortable about purchasing it. The first nun replied that she would handle that without a problem.

She picked up the six-pack and took it to the cashier. The cashier had a surprised look so the nun said, "This is for washing our hair.”

"Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter and put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer. "The curlers are on me."
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Smiles for the day - 01/11/08 03:00 PM

A FIREMAN came home from work one day and told his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station: BELL-1 rings and we all put on our jackets, BELL-2 rings and we all slide down the pole, BELL-3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go."

"From now on when I say BELL-1 I want you to strip naked. When I say BELL-2 I want you to jump in bed. And when I say BELL-3 we are going to make love all night."

The next night he came home from work and yelled "BELL-1!" The wife promptly took all her clothes off. When he yelled "BELL-2!" the wife jumped into bed. When he yelled "BELL-3!" they began making love.

After a few minutes the wife yelled "BELL-4!". "What the hell is BELL-4?" asked the husband.

"ROLL OUT MORE HOSE" she replied "YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE".
Posted By: Nova

Re: Smiles for the day - 01/11/08 03:01 PM

Nursery Rhymes, Nutts style!

Mary had a little pig,
She kept it fat and plastered;
And when the price of pork went up,
She shot the little bastard.
********************
Mary had a little lamb.
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
Between two hunks of bread.
********************
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To have a little fun.
Stupid Jill forgot the pill
And now they have a son.
********************
Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the pie man,
'What have you got there?'
Said the pie man unto Simon,
'Pies, you dumb ass'
********************
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
All the kings' horses,
And all the kings' men.
Had scrambled eggs,
For breakfast again.
********************
Hey diddle, diddle, the cat took a piddle,
All over the bedside clock.
The little dog laughed to see such fun.
Then died of electric shock.
********************
Georgie Porgy pudding and pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
And when the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too 'cause he was gay.
********************
There was a little girl who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good, she was very, very good.
But when she was bad........
She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo, and a sports car.
Posted By: Sun&sand

Re: Smiles for the day - 01/11/08 03:04 PM

Too funny, Croc. A good way to start the day!
Posted By: azbob

Re: Smiles for the day - 01/11/08 07:36 PM

Dear Friends hooked on "the board",

Did you remember to clean your monitor, inside and out, to start the new year?

Gunky monitors lead to eye strain, flies on the monitor, and misunderstandings in chat rooms. But it is difficult sometimes to clean out the interior of the monitor screen. This new program is both environmentally friendly AND an effective cleaning agent. Takes just a little to load.
http://www.roberthein.dk/screenclean.swf

Posted By: Bobber

Re: Smiles for the day - 01/11/08 07:42 PM

That is by far the best thing I've seen in a long time. Thanks.
Posted By: KC Jayhawk

Re: Smiles for the day - 01/11/08 07:45 PM

Bobber is gonna love this one!!! laugh
Posted By: KC Jayhawk

Re: Smiles for the day - 01/11/08 07:45 PM

Dang, he's quick!!
Posted By: Bobber

Re: Smiles for the day - 01/11/08 07:49 PM

Actually, I was expecting something totally different. Imagine my surprise when I was disappointed that I didn't see what I expected, but saw something even more interesting. What kind of emotion do you call that? laugh
Posted By: KC Jayhawk

Re: Smiles for the day - 01/11/08 07:50 PM

Like when you go out on a disappointing blind date, but she has a hot sister . . . kinda like that?
Posted By: Bobber

Re: Smiles for the day - 01/11/08 07:58 PM

Yeah, somewhat. Like once I stepped in a parking lot pothole in a rainstorm, lifted my foot out and there was a $10 bill draped over the toe of my boot. That kinda thing. laugh
Posted By: travelqueen

Re: Smiles for the day - 01/11/08 08:28 PM

azbob, that is so funny! I sent it to my whole dog-lovin family!
Posted By: seaexplore

Re: Smiles for the day - 01/12/08 05:21 AM

hey! I tried the link and it said not found! i want in on the funny!
Posted By: Bobber

Re: Smiles for the day - 01/12/08 04:01 PM

Yeah, it seems to be gone. That SOB. frown
Posted By: dabunk

Re: Smiles for the day - 01/12/08 04:52 PM

What language is his home page written in?
Posted By: azbob

Re: Smiles for the day - 01/12/08 05:39 PM

I just tried also and he's pulled it. Dang! Don't know the language. Think I'll try and send him an email. He was probably getting so many hits it was bogging him down.
Posted By: Bobber

Re: Smiles for the day - 01/12/08 07:43 PM

I think the .dk is Denmark
Posted By: Leah-Ann

Re: Smiles for the day - 01/12/08 08:03 PM

try this one:

http://home.tiscali.dk/ulrich/screencleaner.swf
Posted By: Leah-Ann

Re: Smiles for the day - 01/12/08 08:37 PM

this one will do tricks for you -
tell him to bark, play dead, roll over. He'll even give you a kiss...
Posted By: Bobber

Re: Smiles for the day - 01/12/08 09:16 PM

Leah Ann, that other one was a pug puppy. very very special smile
Posted By: Leah-Ann

Re: Smiles for the day - 01/12/08 11:56 PM

I know Bobber - sometimes there simply is no substitute! wink
Posted By: PalapaBob

Re: Smiles for the day - 01/13/08 12:10 AM

A Cat????????????????
Posted By: Leah-Ann

Re: Smiles for the day - 01/13/08 12:18 AM

All right, all right, Bobs! Take your pick:

http://www.stvlive.com/thoughts/200610/screencleaner/#screencleaner

Posted By: PalapaBob

Re: Smiles for the day - 01/13/08 12:43 AM

Puppies are cute, then they poop on your floor!
Posted By: azbob

Re: Smiles for the day - 01/13/08 12:43 AM

Leah-Ann great find! But no "Bobber pug". I thought I alread posted a response but don't see it. Anyway, I sent the author an email ask for the "pug cleaner". Keep you fingers crossed.
Posted By: Leah-Ann

Re: Smiles for the day - 01/13/08 12:45 AM

Good going, azbob - keep us pug lovers and friends of pug lovers posted! smile
Posted By: pugwash

Re: Smiles for the day - 01/13/08 06:12 AM

Someone say Pug Lover?

I thought it was just a mild infatuation from a distance!
Posted By: Leah-Ann

Re: Smiles for the day - 01/13/08 03:54 PM

Hope springs eternal! laugh
Posted By: Bobber

Re: Smiles for the day - 01/13/08 04:33 PM

WooHoo, got it. Thanks azbob. laugh
Posted By: klcman

Re: Smiles for the day - 01/13/08 05:07 PM

This one is for Seashell:

Vodka!

1. To remove a bandage painlessly, saturate the bandage with vodka. The solvent dissolves adhesive.
2.To clean the caulking around bathtubs and showers, fill a trigger-spray bottle with vodka, spray the caulking, let set five minutes and wash clean. The alcohol in the vodka kills mold and mildew.
3. To clean your eyeglasses, simply wipe the lenses with a soft, clean cloth dampened with vodka. The alcohol in the vodka cleans the glass and kills germs.
4. Prolong the life of razors by filling a cup with vodka and letting your safety razor blade soak in the alcohol after shaving. The vodka disinfects the blade and prevents rusting.
5. Spray vodka on vomit stains, scrub with a brush, and then blot dry.
6. Using a cotton ball, apply vodka to your face as an astringent to cleanse the skin and tighten pores.
7. Add a jigger of vodka to a 12-ounce bottle of shampoo. The alcohol cleanses the scalp, removes toxins from hair, and stimulates the growth of healthy hair.
8. Fill a sixteen-ounce trigger-spray bottle with vodka and spray bees or wasps to kill them.
9 . Pour one-half cup vodka and one-half cup water in a Ziploc freezer bag. Freeze for a slushy, refreshable ice pack for aches, pain or black eyes.
10. Fill a clean, used mayonnaise jar with freshly packed lavender flowers, fill the jar with vodka, seal the lid tightly and set in the sun for three days. Strain liquid through a coffee filter and apply the tincture to aches and pains.
11. To relieve a fever, use a washcloth to rub vodka on your chest and back as a liniment.
12. To cure foot odor, wash your feet with vodka.
13. Vodka will disinfect and alleviate a jellyfish sting.
14. Pour vodka over an area affected with poison ivy to remove the poisoned oil from your skin.
15. Swish a shot of vodka over an aching tooth. Allow your gums to absorb some of the alcohol to numb the pain.

And silly me, I've only been drinking the stuff!
Posted By: dabunk

Re: Smiles for the day - 01/13/08 05:09 PM

Rubbing alcohol is much cheaper! Not to drink that is!
Posted By: seaexplore

Re: Smiles for the day - 01/14/08 02:40 AM

Sorry for the all caps- i wasn't about to retype this one!

This is probably the funniest date story ever, first date or not!!! We have all had bad dates but this takes the cake.

Jay leno went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had.

The winner described her worst first date experience. There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!

She said it was midwinter... Snowing and quite cold...and the guy had taken her skiing in the mountains outside salt lake city , utah.

It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and truly had never met before.

The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon.

They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte.

They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere!

Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while.

Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her go
beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car. They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and
started.

In the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself.

Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and
indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could
think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation. Upon finishing however, she soon became
aware of another sensation.

As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender.

Thoughts of tongues frozen to poles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem due to the extreme cold.

Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she answered her date's concerns about 'what is taking so long' with a reply that indeed, she was 'freezing her butt off' and in need of some
assistance!

He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing.

She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose
themselves, they assessed her dilemma.

Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced
with a real problem. Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal!

Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first
place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her
free.

So, as she looked the other way, her first-time date proceeded to unzip
his pants and pee her butt off the fender. As the audience screamed in
laughter, she took the tonight show prize hands down. Or perhaps
that should be 'pants down.' and you thought your first date was embarrassing.

Jay leno 's comment... 'This gives a whole new meaning to being pissed off.'

oh, and how did the first date turn out? He became her husband and
was sitting next to her on the leno show.
Posted By: Sun&sand

Re: Smiles for the day - 01/14/08 03:03 PM

OMG...that is hysterical! Thanks for starting my morning off laughing!
Posted By: 1BKeeper

Re: Smiles for the day - 01/14/08 06:55 PM

9 Things Women Say

1 "Fine"
This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right
and you need to shut up.

2 "Five Minutes"
If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour.
Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more
minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

3 "Nothing"
This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and
you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

4 "Go Ahead"
This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

5 'Loud Sigh'
This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often
misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)

6 "That's Okay"
This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can
make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

7 "Thanks"
A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say
you're welcome.

8 "Whatever"
Is a women's way of saying @~!* YOU!

9 "Don't worry about it, I got it."
Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking "What's wrong?"
For the woman's response refer to #3.

Posted By: Nova

Re: Smiles for the day - 01/14/08 09:20 PM

Dear 1BKeeper,

Whatever!

laugh
Posted By: Sun&sand

Re: Smiles for the day - 01/15/08 12:16 AM

Mexican Oysters:
A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico.
While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served? " The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"
The cowboy said, "What the heck, bring me an order." The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy."
The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday."
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si,Senor. Sometimes the bull wins.
Posted By: Chachacoconut

Re: Smiles for the day - 01/16/08 12:52 PM

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
> >
> >Lucky night at the bar.
> >A guy had an interesting experience recently involving an 'older' woman he
> >met at a bar. She looked pretty darn HOT for 65.
> >She was drinking quite a bit and, while they were chatting, she came right
> >out and asked him if he'd ever had a 'sportsman's double' - a mother and
> >daughter threesome.He said no, but she might be able to talk him into it.
> >So she slams back one last drink, wipes her mouth and, looking directly
> >into his eyes, says, 'Tonight's your lucky night.' So they go back to her
> >place, she clicks on the hall light right as they enter her place, and she
> >shouts upstairs:'Mom! You still awake?'
> >
Posted By: VT-CDN

Re: Smiles for the day - 01/16/08 04:44 PM

A Rabbi's son had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father about use of the family car.

His father said, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your Talmud a little, get your hair cut and then we'll talk about it."

After about a month, the boy came back and again asked his father about his use of the car The rabbi said, "Son, I am very proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied the Talmud diligently, but on the other hand you didn't get your hair cut."

The young man replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair. Hey, even Jesus had long hair!"

The Rabbi smiled kindly and said, "Yes, and everywhere they went, they walked!"
Posted By: Chachacoconut

Re: Smiles for the day - 01/17/08 03:17 PM


WHEN I'M 100, IF I LEAN A LITTLE... LET ME !

The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the
festivities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she could write notes when she needed to communicate.

After a little while out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the
right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and
stuffed pillows on her right.

A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the
family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left. Soon she started
leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, then tied a
pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.

A nephew who arrived late came up to Grandma and said, "Hi, Grandma,
you're looking good! How are they treating you?"
Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew... "They won't let me fart."
Posted By: JRinSC

Re: Smiles for the day - 01/18/08 04:20 PM

I just love this one.....

Getting even with mean people

I think I will file this one under Perversely Hysterical.


When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know. Take it out on someone you don't know.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it.

A man answered, saying 'Hello.' I politely said, 'This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?'

Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear 'Get the right f***ing number!' and he slammed down the phone. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.

When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.

After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, 'You're an asshole!' and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer.

Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, 'You're an asshole!' It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole'
calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, 'Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company.. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?'

He yelled 'NO!' and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, 'That's because you're an asshole!' and hung up.

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window; so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd call the BMW asshole, too. I said, 'Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?'

He said, 'Yes, it is.'

I asked, 'Can you tell me where I can see it?'

He said, 'Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax. It's a yellow house, and the car's parked right out in front.'

I asked, 'What's your name?'

He said, 'My name is Don Hansen.'

I asked, 'When's a good time to catch you, Don?'

He said, 'I'm home every evening after five.'

I said, 'Listen, Don, can I tell you something?'

He said, 'Yes?'

I said, 'Don, you're an asshole!'

Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem: I had two assholes to call.

Then I came up with an idea. I called asshole #1.

He said, 'Hello.'

I said, 'You're an asshole!' (But I didn't hang up.)

He asked, 'Are you still there?'

I said, 'Yeah.'

He screamed, 'Stop calling me.'

I said, 'Make me.'

He asked, 'Who are you?'

I said, 'My name is Don Hansen.'

He said, 'Yeah? Where do you live?'

I said, 'Asshole, I live at 3 4 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, a yellow house. I have a black Beamer parked in front.'

H e said, 'I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers.'

I said, 'Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole,' and hung up.

Then I called Asshole #2.

He said, 'Hello?'

I said, 'Hello, asshole.'

He yelled, 'If I ever find out who you are...'

I said, 'You'll what?'

He said, 'I'll kick your ass,'

I answered, 'Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now.'

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.

Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd. in Fairfax .

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax. I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter, and surrounded by a news crew.

NOW I feel much better.

Julian

Anger management really does work.

Posted By: seaexplore

Re: Smiles for the day - 01/19/08 02:46 AM

simon- thanks for fixing the case thingie for me in my first date post! you gotta tell me how to do that!
Posted By: SimonB

Re: Smiles for the day - 01/19/08 03:00 PM

Quick and easy, cut and paste into word, select all text, click on format, change case to lower case, click on format, change case to sentence case et voilà!
Posted By: Bill Mc Ghee

Re: Smiles for the day - 01/19/08 05:29 PM

A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath ---"Mom", he asked, "Are these my brains?"
"Not yet," she replied.
Posted By: seaexplore

Re: Smiles for the day - 01/21/08 02:16 AM

The Secret To A Happy Marriage...

A man and woman had been married for more than 65 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other, except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.

For all of those years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside.

She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000.

He asked her about the contents. "When we were to be married," she said, "my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll."

The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.

"Honey," he said, "that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?"


"Oh," she said, "that's the money I made from selling the dolls."



p.s. thanks for the how to simon!
Posted By: Chachacoconut

Re: Smiles for the day - 01/21/08 12:03 PM

[i]

A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crab.

A female crew member took the box and promised to put it in the Crew's' refrigerator, which she did.

The man firmly advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for the crabs staying frozen, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.

She was annoyed by his behavior.

Shortly before landing in New York, she announced over the intercom to the entire cabin,
"Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans , please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up..so she took them home and ate them herself. eek


Men never learn!




**************
[/i]
Posted By: seaexplore

Re: Smiles for the day - 01/23/08 04:47 AM

A little American Indian boy asked his father, the big chief and witch Doctor of the tribe, "Papa, why is it that we have long   names, while The white men have shorter names like Bill, Tex, Sam..."

His father replied, "Son,our names represent a symbol, a sign, or a poem for our culture not like the white men, who live all  together and repeat their names from generation to generation. Also, it is  part of our makeup that in spite of everything, we survive.

For example, your sister's name is Small Romantic Moon Over The  Lake, because on the night she was born, there was a beautiful moon  reflected in the lake.

Then there's your brother, Big White Horse of the Prairies, because he was born on a day that the big white horse who gallops over the prairies of the world appeared near our camp and is a symbol of our capacity to live and the life force of our people.  It's very simple and easy to understand. Do you have any other questions, Little Broken Condom Made in China?
Posted By: azbob

Re: Smiles for the day - 01/23/08 06:03 PM

The Commanding Officer of a Regiment in the U. S. Marine Corps was about to

start the morning briefing to his Staff and Battalion and Company Commanders.

While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, he decided

to pose a question to all assembled. He explained that his wife had been

a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep.

He posed the question of just how much of sex was 'work' and how much of it was 'pleasure?'

The X.O. chimed in with 75-25% in favor of work.

A Captain said it was 50-50%.

The Colonel's Aide, a Lt., responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure, depending on his state of inebriation at the

time.

There being no consensus, the Colonel turned to the PFC who was in charge of making the coffee. What was HIS

opinion?

With no hesitiation, the young PFC responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure."

The Colonel was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why?

"Well, Sir, began the PFC, "if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."

The room fell silent. God Bless the Marine Corps.

Posted By: J DOG

Re: Smiles for the day - 01/24/08 01:53 PM

'NEVER CHOKE IN A RESTAURANT'
Two hillbillies walk into a Bar, while having a shot of Wiskey, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwhich, begins to cough, and after a minute or so, it becomes apparent she is in real distress.
One of the hillbillies looks at her and says 'kin ya swallar'? The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'kin ya breathe'?
The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.
The hillbillie walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.
As she begins to breathe again, the hillbillie walks slowly back to the Bar. His partner says "ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it.
Posted By: Chachacoconut

Re: Smiles for the day - 01/24/08 02:45 PM

4TH TIME IS THE CHARM.....

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because
she had just gotten married -- for the fourth time.

The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation.

"He's a funeral director," she answered.

"Interesting," the newsman thought.

He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.

She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she'd first married a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, later on a preacher when in her 60's, and now in her 80's, a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.


She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."
Posted By: KC Jayhawk

Re: Smiles for the day - 01/24/08 02:53 PM

OUCH!!!! crazy
Posted By: azbob

Re: Smiles for the day - 01/24/08 03:46 PM

This is why women should not take men shopping against their will.

DON'T TAKE THEM IF THEY DON'T WANT TO GO...

After Mr. & Mrs. Fentiman retired, Mrs. Fentiman insisted her husband
accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart. Unfortunately, Mr. Fentiman
was like most men--he found shopping boring & preferred to get in &
get out. Equally unfortunately, Mrs. Fenton was like most women--she
loved to browse.

One day Mrs. Fentiman received the following letter from her local
Wal-Mart:

Dear Mrs. Fentiman,

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a
commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may be
forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr.
Fentiman are listed below and are documented by our video
surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's
carts when they weren't looking.

2 . July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at
5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the >
women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official
voice, "Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away."

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's
on layaway.

6. September 14: Moved a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign to a carpeted
area.

7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told
other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and
blankets from the bedding department.

8. September 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began
crying and screamed, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera & used it as a
mirror while he picked his nose.

10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he
asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly
humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

12. December 6: In the auto department, he practiced his "Madonna
look" by using different sizes of funnels (on the upper part of his chest,
of course) & nbsp;

13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed
through, yelled "PICK ME! PICK ME!"

14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he
assumed a fetal position and screamed "OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES
AGAIN!"

And last, but not least.....

15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited
awhile, then yelled very loudly, "Hey! There's no toilet paper in
here!"

Regards,

Wal-Mart
Posted By: KathyF

Re: Smiles for the day - 01/25/08 04:56 AM

Best Poems of the Year

WOMAN'S POEM

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to 'how big is my behind?'
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.


MAN'S POEM

I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge hooters who owns a new bass boat, new truck, camper, a liquor store and a golf course. This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.

Posted By: crockhunter

Re: Smiles for the day - 01/25/08 01:37 PM

KathyF: That is so degrading and disrespectfull to men. I am really offended. Most men I know would gladly buy their own boat and truck.
Posted By: Bobber

Re: Smiles for the day - 01/25/08 03:10 PM

Note to azbob. After watching your posts for awhile, it becomes apparent you are a true "bob". I like your style. smile

Bob(ber)
Posted By: azbob

Re: Smiles for the day - 01/25/08 04:11 PM

Thanks Bobber, but your are the orginial and president of the "bob club". I will drink several Belikins in your honor starting in 38 days and hope to meet you some day on AC.
Posted By: VT-CDN

Re: Smiles for the day - 01/26/08 09:36 PM

A man was being tailgated by a stressed-out woman on a busy boulevard.

Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right
thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red
light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in
frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection,
dropping her cell phone and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up
into the face of a very serious police officer.

The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to
the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed, and
placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the
door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer
was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your
car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you,
and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus do?'
bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to
Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem
on the trunk ...

Naturally.. I assumed you had stolen the car."
Posted By: Chachacoconut

Re: Smiles for the day - 01/27/08 12:58 PM

[size:14pt]>
> A woman goes to her boyfriend's
> parents' house for Christmas dinner.
>
> This is to be her first time meeting
> the family and she is very nervous.
> They all sit down and begin eating a
> fine meal.
>
> The woman is beginning to feel a
> little discomfort, due to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole.
> The gas pains are almost making her
> eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a
> bit and lets out a dainty fart.
>
> It wasn't loud, but everyone at the
> table heard the poof.
> Before she even had a chance to be
> embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been
> snoozing under the woman's chair, and said in a rather stern voice,
> 'Skippy!'.
>
> The woman thought, 'This is great!'
> and a big smile came across her face.
> A couple of minutes later, she was
> beginning to feel the pain again.
> This time, she didn't even hesitate.
> She let a much louder and longer rrrrrip.
>
> The father again looked at the dog
> and yelled, 'Dammit Skippy!'
>
> Once again the woman smiled and
> thought 'Yes!' A few minutes later the woman had to let another rip.
> This time she didn't even think
> about it. She let a fart rip that rivaled a train whistle blowing.
>
> Once again, the father looked at the
> dog with disgust and yelled, 'Dammit Skippy, get away from her, before
> she shits on you!' blush
[/size]
Posted By: Nova

Re: Smiles for the day - 01/27/08 01:42 PM

(I'm gonna get broiled for this one....)

How to say 'I love you' in 25 languages
1. English I Love You
2. Spanish Te Amo
3. French Je T'aime
4. German lch Liebe Dich
5. Japanese Ai Shite Imasu
6. Thai Phom rak khun
7. Italian Ti amo
8. Chinese Wo Ai Ni
9. Swedish Jag Alskar
10. - 25. Alabama, Arkansas, Kansas, Oklahoma, Texas, North Carolina, South Carolina. Georgia, Tennessee, Missouri, Mississippi, Louisiana, Virginia, West Virginia, Kentucky, and parts of Florida
Nice Ass , Get in the truck
Posted By: Ernie B

Re: Smiles for the day - 01/27/08 01:56 PM

Building a fire. . . . . . . .
Posted By: Barnacle

Re: Smiles for the day - 01/27/08 02:22 PM

when the country of Canada first became a country, they needed a name. the powers that be decide to put all the letters of the alphabet into a hat, draw out the letters, and that would be the new countries name.
an R.C.M.P. stepped up and offered his hat. they put the letters in and let the R.C.M.P. draw them out.
he began to draw,, first letter "C, eh",, "N eh",, "D eh"...
and thus a country was named!

getting hotter all the time!!
Posted By: Barnacle

Re: Smiles for the day - 01/27/08 02:30 PM

oh what the hell,, since the fires are lit,,,

a friend visiting from Colorado went to the local tavern with us and was somewhat interested in my neighbor sitting across the bar. i told her she should go over and strike up a conversation with him.
she decided she would give that a try.
she went over and was talking to him but came back in just a couple minutes. she was disappointed about the outcome and i asked her why. she said the guy doesn;t speak English.
i knew better so i asked what was said.
she told me she asked him where he was from. and he replied,
"Saskatoon Saskatchewan eh"

what's that smell? sometin burning??
Posted By: Nova

Re: Smiles for the day - 01/27/08 02:35 PM

Hahahaha! laugh
Posted By: Leah-Ann

Re: Smiles for the day - 01/27/08 02:57 PM

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days.
Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day.
He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds,
"Look Michael, look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth, "For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people," God continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel, impressed by Gods work, then pointed to a large land mass at the top corner and asked, "What's that one?"
"Ah," said God. "That's Canada, the most glorious place on Earth. There's beautiful mountains, lakes, rivers, streams and an exquisite coast-line. The people from Canada are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found traveling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace. I'm also going to give them super-human, undefeatable ice hockey players who will be admired and feared by all who come across them."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed. "What about balance, God? You said there will be BALANCE!"
God replied wisely. "Wait until you see the loud-mouth bastards I'm putting next to them."

Posted By: elbert

Re: Smiles for the day - 01/27/08 04:02 PM

Canada?.....is that the place with the Eskimos?
Posted By: Shopgirl

Re: Smiles for the day - 01/28/08 12:06 AM

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.

When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.

One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.

Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man" he said to her. "But in just a few years, my father will die, and I will inherit 20 million dollars."

Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are just so much better at estate planning than men.
Posted By: PalapaBob

Re: Smiles for the day - 01/28/08 12:13 AM

Elbert, Eskimos and moose. Very big moose!
Posted By: Nova

Re: Smiles for the day - 01/28/08 12:35 AM

And really nice beavers! Oh, did I mention geese, mounted police, igloos, mukluks, Tim Hortons, poutine, loonies and toonies? Geesh, I could go on and on - it's just so terribly exciting here!
Posted By: PalapaBob

Re: Smiles for the day - 01/28/08 12:40 AM

Oh my goodness, I don’t dare comment on that!!!!!!!!!! (although I have seen a few really nice Canadian beavers, I'm a trapper after all)
Posted By: Barnacle

Re: Smiles for the day - 01/28/08 01:10 AM

"the beaver is actuly a very noble animal"

Ricky,, from SunnyVale Trailer Park..
Posted By: Leah-Ann

Re: Smiles for the day - 01/28/08 01:35 AM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F01yzbihp34
Posted By: Nova

Re: Smiles for the day - 01/28/08 01:51 AM

Thanks for the reminder Barnacle - the Trailor Park Boys are a true Canadian treasure! Have had the pleasure of meeting most of them and they're the funniest. Lots of videos of them on youtube too!
Posted By: PalapaBob

Re: Smiles for the day - 01/28/08 01:54 AM

Hey, I know that beaver!!!
Posted By: klcman

Re: Smiles for the day - 01/28/08 01:59 AM

A Spartan under that fur coat?
Posted By: KC Jayhawk

Re: Smiles for the day - 01/28/08 03:00 AM

I always come here first when I am in need of quality Canadian or beaver-related humor/drama.
Posted By: Leah-Ann

Re: Smiles for the day - 01/28/08 03:01 AM

guaranteed to provide a bit of both! wink
Posted By: azbob

Re: Smiles for the day - 01/28/08 07:27 PM

Bad day at Hallmark

Ever wondered what happens when
Hallmark writers are having a bad day........


////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
////////////////////////////////////
My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat

When I looked at the tire...

I noticed your cat.

Sorry!


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.

But don't fret about it...

She moved in with me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Looking back over the years

that we've been together,

I can't help but wonder...

"What the hell was I thinking?"


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Congratulations on your wedding
day!

Too bad no one likes your
husband.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How could two people as
beautiful as you

Have such an ugly baby?


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I've always wanted to have
someone to hold,

someone to love..

After having met you ..

I've changed my mind.


--------------------------------------
I must admit, you brought
Religion into my life.

I never believed in Hell until I
met you.

////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
////////////////////////////////////
As the days go by, I think of
how lucky I am...

That you're not here to ruin it
for me.


####################################################
Congratulations on your
promotion.
Before you go...

Would you like to take this
knife out of my back?

You'll probably need it again.


************************************************************************
********
Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad !

(Available only in Tennessee ,
Kentucky , West Virginia & of course Hope Valley )

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Happy birthday! You look great
for your age.

Almost Lifelike!


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When we were together,
you always said you'd die for
me.

Now that we've broken up,

I think it's time you kept your
promise.

////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
////////////////////////////////////
We have been friends for a very
long time ..

let's say we stop?


+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
I'm so miserable without you

it's almost like you're here.

=====================================================
Congratulations on your new
bundle of joy.

Did you ever find out who the
father was?

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
Your friends and I wanted to do

something special for your
birthday.

So we're having you put to
sleep.

))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
))))))))))))))))))))))))


So your daughter's a hooker,
and it spoiled your day.

Look at the bright side,

it's really good pay



Posted By: VT-CDN

Re: Smiles for the day - 01/28/08 07:57 PM

U.C.L.A. STUDY


A study conducted by UCLA's department of Psychiatry has revealed that
the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on
where she is in her menstrual cycle.
It was discovered that if the female is Ovulating, she is attracted to
males with rugged and masculine features.
However, if she is Menstruating, or Menopausal, she tends to be more
attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in
his chest while he is on fire.


No further studies are expected!

Posted By: seaexplore

Re: Smiles for the day - 01/30/08 04:05 PM

Why Parents Drink

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. " Hello ? "

"Is your daddy home?" he asked.

" Yes ," whispered the small voice.
May I talk with him?"

The child whispered, " No ."

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?" " Yes ."

"May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, "No."

Hoping there was somebody w ith whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"

" Yes ," whispered the child, " a policeman ".

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"

" No, he's busy ", whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?"

" Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman ," came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

" A helicopter " answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered, " The search team just landed a helicopter ."

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle... " ME ."
Posted By: seaexplore

Re: Smiles for the day - 02/01/08 05:33 AM

Riiinnnnngggggg Riiinnngggggggg.....

'Hello?'

Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?'

'No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.'

After a brief pause,

Daddy says, 'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.'

'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, Right now.'

Brief Pause.

'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down
on the table, run upstairs And knock on the bedroom
door and shout to Mommy,That Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'

'Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.'

A few minutes later The little girl comes back to the phone.

'I did it, Daddy.'

'And what happened, honey?' He asked.

'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed With no clothes on and ran around screaming.

Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser And now she isn't moving at all!'

'Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?'

'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.

He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window And into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it.

He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'

Long Pause

Longer Pause

Even Longer Pause

Then Daddy says,

'Swimming pool? ...........

Is this 486-5731?'

No, I think you have the wrong number.......
Posted By: Nova

Re: Smiles for the day - 02/01/08 02:17 PM

FARM KID
(NOW AT San Diego MARINE CORPS RECRUIT TRAINING)

Dear Ma and Pa,

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. But I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.

Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit j uice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.

We go on "route marches," which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.

The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around a nd frown. They don't bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Bubba Smith from over in Silver Lake . I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup an d come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter,
Alice
Posted By: sunandsand

Re: Smiles for the day - 02/01/08 03:45 PM

A duck walks into a bar and asks, "Got any grapes?" The bartender, confused, tells the duck that no, his bar doesn't serve grapes. The duck thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns and says, "Got any grapes?" Again, the bartender tells him that, no, the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes, and, furthermore, will never serve grapes. The duck, a little ruffled, thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender begins to yell: ''Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you ever ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar!''

The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, ''Got any nails?''

Confused, the bartenders says no.

''Good!'' says the duck. ''Got any grapes?''
Posted By: tacogirl

Re: Smiles for the day - 02/01/08 03:47 PM

We all know those cute little computer symbols called 'emoticons,' where:

smile means a smile and
frown is a frown.

Sometimes these are represented by
:-) and :-(

Well, how about some ' BUTT ICONS?'

(_!_) a regular ass

(__!__) a fat ass

(!) a tight ass

(_*_) a sore ass

{_!_} a swishy ass

(_o_) an ass that's been around

(_x_) kiss my ass

(_X_) leave my ass alone

(_zzz_) a tired ass

(_E=mc2_) a smart ass

(_$_) Money coming out of his ass

(_?_) Dumb Ass
Posted By: elbert

Re: Smiles for the day - 02/01/08 04:50 PM

~:>
bird
Posted By: sunandsand

Re: Smiles for the day - 02/01/08 04:50 PM

This is so cute. Hope you can get it.

http://weblogs.newsday.com/news/opinion/walthandelsman/blog/2007/11/animation_baby_boomers.html
Posted By: elbert

Re: Smiles for the day - 02/01/08 04:56 PM

Wasn't over my head .
Posted By: azbob

Re: Smiles for the day - 02/01/08 05:06 PM

WE ARE IN TROUBLE!


The population of this country is 300 million.


160 million are retired.


That leaves 140 million to do the work.


There are 85 million in school.


Which leaves 55 million to do the work.


Of this there are 35 million employed by the federal government.


Leaving 15 million to do the work.


2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing
Osama Bin-Laden.


Which leaves 12.2 million to do the work.


Take from that total the 10.8 million people who work for
state and city Governments. And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.


At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.


Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.


Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.


That leaves just two people to do the work.


You and me.


And there you are,


Sitting on your ass,


At your computer, reading jokes on the AC Message Board.


Nice. Real nice.
Posted By: VT-CDN

Re: Smiles for the day - 02/01/08 07:01 PM

The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died
And went to Heaven. At the gates, St Peter told Arthur: "Since you've
Been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your
Reward is that you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out
With God." St Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him
To God. God recognised Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one
Who invented the Harley Davidson motorcycle?" Arthur said, "Yeah, that's
Me." God said, "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's
Pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution, and can't run without a road?"

Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally spoke.
"Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of women?" God said, "Ah yes"
"Well" said Arthur. "Professional to professional, you too have some
Design flaws in your invention".
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front end protrusion.
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds.
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust.
5. And the maintenance costs are outrageous.

"Hmmm, you may have some good points there", replies God, "Hold on".
God went to his celestial super-computer, typed in a few words and
Waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God
Read it. "Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed" God said to
Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my
Invention than yours".
Posted By: Shopgirl

Re: Smiles for the day - 02/01/08 07:19 PM

Why Men Wear Earrings

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.

The man knew his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."

The man walks up to him and says "I didn't know you were into earrings."

"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring" he replies sheepishly.

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then curiosity prods him to ask, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"

"Ever since my wife found it in my truck."

(I always wondered how this trend got started)
Posted By: KC Jayhawk

Re: Smiles for the day - 02/01/08 10:49 PM

Golfing Rules in Montana

The Montana State Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising golfers to take extra precautions and be on the alert for bears while playing on Gallatin , Helena, and Lewis and Clark National Forests Golf Courses.

They advise golfers to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on their clothing to alert, but not to startle the bears unexpectedly.

They also advise you to carry pepper spray in the case of an encounter with a bear.

It is also a good idea to watch for signs of bear activity.

Golfers should be able to recognize the difference between Black bear and grizzly bear droppings on the golf course.

Black bear droppings are smaller and contain berries and possibly squirrel fur.

Grizzly bear droppings have bells, golf-gloves and sunglasses in them and smell like pepper spray.
Posted By: KC Jayhawk

Re: Smiles for the day - 02/01/08 11:04 PM

Wilma's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check ."

"Oh, by the way don't worry about my dog Spike. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!" "I REPEAT; DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"

When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking dog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"

To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"

See - Men just don't listen!

Posted By: Nova

Re: Smiles for the day - 02/02/08 12:02 AM

After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve.

"So, how is everything going?" inquired God.

"It is all so beautiful, God," she replied... "The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem... It's these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They're a real pain," reported Eve.

And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc...
she felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more
"symmetrically balanced".

"That's a fair point," replied God, "But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away."

And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes.

Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the
Garden of Eden.

"Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation?"

"Just fantastic," she replied, "But for one oversight.
You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and
the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me.
I feel so alone."

God thought for a moment and said, "You know, Eve, you are right.
How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will
immediately create a man from a part of you. Lets see...
where did I put that useless boob?"

Now doesn't THAT make more sense than that crap about the rib?
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Smiles for the day - 02/02/08 06:14 AM

What time is it?

http://www.thegoonshow.net/downloads/other/what_time_is_it_eccles.mp3

English humour just post war (2nd World War).
Posted By: sunandsand

Re: Smiles for the day - 02/02/08 03:01 PM

Too Cute.
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Smiles for the day - 02/03/08 04:40 AM

"An aide to the prime minister of Canada called President Bush a moron. Well that's not fair. Here's a guy who never worked a day in his life, got rich off his dad's money, lost the popular vote and ended up president. That's not a moron, that's genius!"
[Jay Leno]
Posted By: seaexplore

Re: Smiles for the day - 02/03/08 06:46 AM

Originally Posted by Shopgirl
Why Men Wear Earrings

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.

The man knew his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."

The man walks up to him and says "I didn't know you were into earrings."

"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring" he replies sheepishly.

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then curiosity prods him to ask, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"

"Ever since my wife found it in my truck."

(I always wondered how this trend got started)


this is great! my honey got a second earring (in his other ear) when we got together and I got my cartilage pierced. 8o)
Posted By: Shopgirl

Re: Smiles for the day - 02/03/08 05:18 PM

Counseling---Minnesota style

Ole and Sven are quietly sitting in a boat fishing, chewing and drinking beer. When suddenly Sven says, "I think I'm gonna divorce my wife-she ain't spoke to me in over 2 months."

Ole spits, sips his beer and says, "Better think it over.........
Women like that are hard to find."
Posted By: sunandsand

Re: Smiles for the day - 02/04/08 02:14 PM

This one's for Reaper!!

One night , in a sleepy town a huge chemical plant exploded into flames. The alarm went off and departments from miles around raced to the scene. After fighting the fire for over an hour the chemical company president approached the fire chief, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved! I will give $50,000 to the engine company that brings them out safely!"

At that,the firemen attacked with a renewed gusto. Two hours later they still had not gained any ground. At that, the company president offered $100,000 to the engine company that brought out the company's secret files.

In the distance, the wail of yet another siren was heard and soon another fire truck came into sight. The fire chief shook his head, aware it was that little rinky-dink volunteer fire company composed entirely of men over 65. Much to his amazement, though, the fire engine raced through the chemical plant gates and drove right into the middle of the inferno. He could see the old timers hopping off their rig , fighting the fire with an effort that he had never before witnessed.

Less than an hour later, the fire was out and the secret formulas were saved by this group of volunteers! The chemical company president was so ecstatic he doubled the reward to $200,000! After thanking the volunteers , the chemical company president couldn't help but ask what they planned to do with the reward money.

The engineer (driver) looked him tight in the eye, ready with his answer. "First thing we 'll do is fix the stupid brakes on that truck!"
Posted By: dabunk

Re: Smiles for the day - 02/04/08 02:20 PM

Now THAT was good!!!!
Posted By: Bobber

Re: Smiles for the day - 02/04/08 04:17 PM

I was bettin the secret formula was for Viagra. laugh
Posted By: Nova

Re: Smiles for the day - 02/05/08 01:26 AM

This is adorable!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pRPi_dNLliY
Posted By: sunandsand

Re: Smiles for the day - 02/05/08 01:30 AM

OMG..how cute.
Posted By: azbob

Re: Smiles for the day - 02/05/08 05:48 PM

This came around a while back, but just in case you didn't see it....

The other day I went downtown and went into a shop. I was only in there
for about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a cop writing out a parking
ticket. I went up to him and said, "Come on, man, how about giving a
retired person a break"?

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a "Nazi." He
glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires. So
I called him a "doughnut eating Gestapo thug." He finished the second
ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started
writing a third ticket.

This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets
he wrote.

Personally, I didn't care. I came downtown on the bus. The car that he was
putting the tickets on had a bumper sticker that said "Hillary in '08."

I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important
to my health.
Posted By: VT-CDN

Re: Smiles for the day - 02/05/08 07:19 PM

DEAF SEX Two deaf people get married and during the first week of marriage they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom with the lights out since they can't see each other signing, or read lips.

After several nights of fumbling around and many misunderstandings, the wife figures out a solution.She writes:'Honey, why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex wi th me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time.

If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast two times.'

The husband thinks this is a great idea. He writes back to his wife if she wants to have sex with him, reach over and pull on his manhood one time.

If she doesn't want to have sex, pull on his manhood two hundred and fifty times.
Posted By: Amanda Syme

Re: Smiles for the day - 02/05/08 07:22 PM

Rick was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry.

She told him: "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 6 seconds . . . . AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!"

The next morning Rick got up early and left for work.

When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a gift-wrapped box in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the house.



She opened it and found..............a brand new bathroom scale.




(Rick has been missing since Friday. Please pray for him .)
Posted By: Amanda Syme

Re: Smiles for the day - 02/05/08 07:26 PM

NINE MONTHS LATER...



Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."

The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?"

"Yes, I do," said Bob.

"Did you...errr...happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"

"Well, um, yes I did," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, "I have to admit that I did."

"And....did you happen to give her MY name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"

"She just died and left me everything."


(You thought the ending would be different, didn't you?)
Posted By: pugwash

Re: Smiles for the day - 02/05/08 10:32 PM

I ACCTUALLY RECIEVED A "THANK YOU FOR THE SUGGESTION" LETTER FROM KOHLER FOR THIS !

Dear Sirs,

As I reach middle age, I am convinced that toilets are being designed by men or women much younger than I.

At the age of 25 I could drink a case of beer and pass out for 12 hours, while at age 55 a cup of coffee after 6pm will guarantee me not only my usual 3 am bathroom stop, but also a 1am visit.

My wife wants the seat down at all times to stop the dog drinking from the toilet, and also does not want to be awakened by the light coming on, so the result is that i stumble around in the dark before sitting down.

I sit because my aim even in daylight is not what it used to be, and in the dark it is particularly ineffective.

Now comes the problem with your design:

1) my knees have suffered through years of skiing and rugby, and my weight has long since passed through any region that the surgeon general would consider ideal, so when they (my knees) are disturbed from a deep sleep by their buddy the aging prostrate, they fail to function optimally, and have trouble supporting my body weight as they pass through 90 degrees.

As I crash land with all the grace of a gooney bird, this leads to problem #2

2) like most parts of the human body as it ages, my scrotum sags more each year, and always seems to extend about a half inch below the waterline of the toilet, which in turn means I wake my wife most nights with the expletive ***$$%%^* Kohler!


I and I’m sure many others in future would be thrilled if you would consider the aging population of the country, and that we are now on average almost 6” taller than a century ago, and build a toilet that was 24” of the ground, while keeping the water level where it currently is in the 21” models

I would then not have to write to you until another 2 3/8” of sagging occurs.


yours sincerley

Pugwash!

Posted By: Amanda Syme

Re: Smiles for the day - 02/05/08 11:34 PM

Newest drugs on the market for women:

DAMNITOL: Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.
EMPTYNESTROGEN: Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.
ST. MOMMA'S WORT: Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days.
PEPTOBIMBO: Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.
DUMBEROL: When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.
FLIPITOR: Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.
MENICILLIN: Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, "You make me want to be a better person. "
BUYAGRA: Injectible stimulant taken! prior t o shopping Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.
JACKASSPIRIN: Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat.
ANTI-TALKSIDENTA: Spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.
NAGAMEMT: When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him.
Posted By: sunandsand

Re: Smiles for the day - 02/06/08 01:54 AM

I think we've seen this one before, but here it goes again.

Results of a recent research, shows that there are 7 kinds of sex.

The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. This kind of sex happens when you first meet Someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the Face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a Short time and you are so needy you will have sex Anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a Long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have Sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for too Long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both Say 'screw you.'

The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex. Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun In the afternoon and Nun at night. (Very Popular)

The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex. This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in Front of everyone.

And; Last, but not least,

The 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex. You get a little each month. But, Not enough to enjoy yourself.

PLEASE DO NOT REPLY TO TELL ME WHAT STAGE YOU ARE IN. I have enough problems of my own.
Posted By: Nova

Re: Smiles for the day - 02/06/08 03:36 PM

What do you get if you cross a donkey with an onion?

Most of the time you simply get an onion with long ears, but every once in awhile, you get lucky and get a piece of ass that brings tears to your eyes.
Posted By: VT-CDN

Re: Smiles for the day - 02/06/08 09:23 PM

Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts.

Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason.
He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to
touch them, but he had to try.

One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the
Physician, the King's chief doctor.

Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to
more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to
arrange it.

Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme.
The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little
bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the
itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal
Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen
that only a special saliva, if applied for four

hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only
the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King quickly summoned Nick. Horatio then slipped Nick the

antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for
the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and
magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and
Nick left satisfied and hailed as a hero.
Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment
of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't
have cared less and, knowing that Horatio could never report this matter
to the King, with a laugh told him to get lost.
The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder
into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick.
The moral of the story - Pay your bills.
Posted By: Dita

Re: Smiles for the day - 02/07/08 05:14 PM

In honor of Valentine's day.....A Short Love Story

A man and a woman who had never met before, but were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a Trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly.....
He in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,
"Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.

"Good," she replied. "Get your own f-in blanket."

After a moment of silence, he farted.
Posted By: Shopgirl

Re: Smiles for the day - 02/07/08 05:32 PM

An amazing elephant story...
In 1986, Dan Harrison was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University.
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Dan approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.

As carefully and as gently as he could, Dan worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.

Dan stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.

Dan never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Dan was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Dan and his son Dan Jr. were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Dan, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man. Remembering the encounter in 1986, Dan couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Dan summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Dan's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.
Probably wasn't the same elephant.


Posted By: Nova

Re: Smiles for the day - 02/07/08 05:44 PM

Sick! laugh
Posted By: VT-CDN

Re: Smiles for the day - 02/07/08 10:48 PM

Heaven getting crowded

One day, a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer all died and went to heaven.
St. Peter was there, having a bad day because heaven was getting crowded.

When they got to the gate, St. Peter informed them that there would be a test to get into Heaven: They each had to answer a single question.

To the teacher, he said, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into an iceberg and sunk with all its passengers?"

The teacher thought for a second, and then replied: "That would have been the Titanic, right?" St. Peter let him through the gate.

Next, St. Peter turned to the garbage man, and figuring that heaven didn’t really need all the stink that this guy would bring in, decided to make the question a little harder.

"How many people died on the ship?"

The garbage man guessed 1228, to which St. Peter said, "That happens to be right. Go ahead."

St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. "What were their names?"
Posted By: VT-CDN

Re: Smiles for the day - 02/07/08 11:12 PM

http://www.funnieststuff.net/viewmovie.php?id=709


http://cruzintheavenue.com/TakeMeBackToTheSixties.htm


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zUM-mR_VbBA&feature=related

http://www.aclu.org/pizza/images/screen.swf

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CYsfwdLNsuo&feature=related
Posted By: SP Daily

Re: Smiles for the day - 02/10/08 03:34 PM

http://www.comics.com/comics/monty/archive/images/monty2008021523890.jpg
Posted By: Shopgirl

Re: Smiles for the day - 02/11/08 02:25 AM

Little Susie comes home from first grade and tells her father that they
learned about the history of Valentine's Day.. "Since Valentine's Day is for
a Christian saint and we're Jewish," she asks, "will God get mad at me for
giving someone a valentine?"

Susie's father thinks a bit, then says, "No, I don't think God would get
mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?"

"Osama Bin Laden," she says.

Her father asks in shock, "why Osama Bin Laden?"

"Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could
have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe
we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit And if other kids
saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And
then, he'd start going all over the place telling everyone how much he loved
them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."

Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with newfound
pride...."Susie, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."

"I know," Susie says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines
could blow the s**t out of him."

Posted By: Ernie B

Re: Smiles for the day - 02/11/08 02:41 AM

SEMPER FI !!!
Posted By: Otteralum

Re: Smiles for the day - 02/12/08 05:08 PM

A 3-year-old's Tea Party!!

"One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me. I was maybe 1 and a half years old.. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' and it was one of my favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home. My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!!'
My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up, then says, 'Did it ever occur to you that the only place that baby can reach to get water is the toilet??'"
Posted By: Nova

Re: Smiles for the day - 02/12/08 07:08 PM

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."

The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"

The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."

The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in.
You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50.00 in the poor box."

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"

The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"
Posted By: azbob

Re: Smiles for the day - 02/12/08 08:45 PM

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. 'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?' pointing to the bowl.'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.

Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter!

Posted By: Hon

Re: Smiles for the day - 02/13/08 03:11 PM

A mother passing by her daughter's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then she saw an envelope propped up prominently on the center of the bed. It was addressed, "Mom." With the worst premonition, she opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:

Dear Mom: It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new boyfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you. I've been finding real passion with Ahmed and he is so nice-even with all his piercings, tattoos, beard, and his motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion Mom, I'm pregnant and Ahmed said that we will be very happy. He already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. He wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too. Ahmed taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and trading it with his friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Ahmed can get better; he sure deserves it!! Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grand children.

Your daughter, Judith

PS: Mom, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbor's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in my desk center drawer. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home.
Posted By: ScubaLdy

Re: Smiles for the day - 02/13/08 08:58 PM


You Don't Have To Own A Cat To Appreciate This One! )



We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We

turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our

pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.



We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived

and we opened the front door to leave the house.



The cat we put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't

want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.



My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The

cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife

doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the

night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon,

"He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother."



A few minutes later, I get into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," I

said, as we drove away. "That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I

had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried

to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in

a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her

fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"



The cab driver hit a parked car.
Posted By: boatgirl729

Re: Smiles for the day - 02/14/08 03:53 PM

The correct word is:

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. A lady stood and walked to the podium. She said, 'I have a praise.' Two months ago, my husband, Jim, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him.' You could hear an audible gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Jim experienced.

She continued, 'Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation . They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place.' Again, the men in the Congregation squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Jim.

She continued, 'Now, Jim is out of the hospital and the doctor's say, with time, his scrotum should recover completely.' All the men sighed with relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if any one else had anything to say. A man rose and walked to the podium. He said, 'I'm Jim and I want to tell my wife, the word is sternum.'


Posted By: VT-CDN

Re: Smiles for the day - 02/14/08 05:58 PM

LITTLE MARK ON MATH

Little MARK returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic

"Why?" asks the father?

"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'" I said "6", replies MARK.

"But that's right!" says his dad.

"Yeah, but then she asked me "How much is 3x2?'"

"What's the f***ing difference?" asks the father

"That's what I said!"


LITTLE M ARK ON ENGLISH

Little MARK goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"

MARK says "Mas-tur-bate."

Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little MARK, that's a mouthful."

Little MARK says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a bl*job."



LITTLE MARK ON GRAMMAR

Little MARK was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a p!ss!!"

The teacher replied, 'Now, MARK, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.'
Please use the word 'ur-I-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow You to go."

Little MARK, thinks for a bit, and then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger t!ts, you'd be a TEN!"


LITTLE MARK ON GRAMMAR

One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.

First, she called On little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."

"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.

" My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully."

She said, "Excellent, Michael!" Then the teacher reluctantly called on little MARK.

"Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was Pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f***ing beautiful!'"





LITTLE MARK ON GETTING OLDER

Little MARK was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.

After the 6th one, a man on the bench across from him said,
"Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."


Little MARK replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."

The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"

Little MARK answered, "No, he minded his own f***ing business.

I LOVE Little MARK!!!!!
Posted By: VT-CDN

Re: Smiles for the day - 02/14/08 05:59 PM

Bet you can't answer this one!

What gets longer when pulled ...............
Fits between your boobs..............
Inserts neatly in a hole and works best when jerked

............................................................

Scroll down to find the answer
.....................................
























A SEAT BELT you pervert!!!
................................................
BUCKLE up & pass it on ..................................................
Posted By: Chachacoconut

Re: Smiles for the day - 02/17/08 09:41 AM






WOMEN'S ASS SIZE STUDY

There is a new study about women and how they feel about their asses, the results were pretty interesting:
30% of women think their ass is too fat......... ...

10% of women think their ass is too skinny......


The remaining 60% say they don't care, they love him, he's a good man, and they wouldn't trade him for the world.



Posted By: seaexplore

Re: Smiles for the day - 02/20/08 02:03 AM

he he he he 8o) Thanks for the laughs today folks!
Posted By: Shopgirl

Re: Smiles for the day - 02/20/08 04:33 PM

Mad Wife Disease

A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up
behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine.

"What was that for?" he asked. "That was for the piece of paper in
your pants pocket with the name Laura Lou written on it," she replied.

"Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Laura Lou was the name of
one of the horses I bet on," he explained.

"Oh honey, I'm sorry," she said. "I should have known there was a
good explanation."

Three days later he was watching a ballgame on TV when she walked
up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which
knocked him out cold. When he came to, he asked, "What the hell was
that for?"

She replied, "Your horse called."
Posted By: VT-CDN

Re: Smiles for the day - 02/21/08 10:56 PM

The owner of a construction company in Paisley was confused about paying an
invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some help.

He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from Glasgow
University, I need some help. If I were to give you £120,000, minus 14%,
how much would you take off?"

The secretary thought a moment, then replied, "Everything but my earrings."
Posted By: Shopgirl

Re: Smiles for the day - 02/25/08 04:21 PM

On their honeymoon, the blonde bride slipped into a sexy
nightie and, with great anticipation, crawled into bed, only to find that
her new Catholic husband had settled down on the couch.

When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make
love to her, he replied, "It's Lent."

In tears, she remarked, "Well, that is the most ridiculous
thing I have ever heard! Who did you lend it to, and for how long?"

Posted By: VT-CDN

Re: Smiles for the day - 02/25/08 07:27 PM

Engineers:

Two engineers, Pete and Rod were standing at the base of
a flagpole, looking up. A woman walked by and
asked what they were doing.
"We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole,"
said Pete, "but we don't have a ladder."
The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few
bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape
measure from her pocket, took a measurement,
announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.

Rod shook his head and laughed. "isn't that just like
a //woman//! We ask for the height and she gives us the
length!"


Pete and Rod are currently retired on government
pensions in Belize Beach.
Posted By: VT-CDN

Re: Smiles for the day - 02/25/08 07:28 PM

SUBMITTED BY ACTUAL PHYSICIANS



1. A man comes into the ER and yells, 'My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!' I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly, I noticed that there were several cabs -- and I was in the wrong one.

Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX.

2. At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. 'Big breaths,' I instructed. 'Yes, they used to be,' replied the patient.

Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle , WA.

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a 'massive internal fart.'

Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg

4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. 'Which one?' I asked. 'The patch, the nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours, and now I'm running out of places to put it!' I had him quickly undress, and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk , VA.

5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, 'How long have you been bedridden?' After a look of complete confusion, she answered...'Why, not for about twenty years -- when my husband was alive.'

Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis , OR.

6. I was caring for a woman and asked, 'So, how's your breakfast this morning?' 'It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste,' the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly, and the woman produced a foil packet labeled 'KY Jelly.'

Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit , MI.

7. A nurse was on duty in the emergency room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, 'Keep off the grass.' Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, 'Sorry, had to mow the lawn.'

Submitted by RN, no name

AND FINALLY!!!...

8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB, I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment, I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, 'I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?' She replied, 'No doctor, but the song you were whistling was, 'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener.'

Doctor wouldn't submit his name (Can't blame him!)
Posted By: Shopgirl

Re: Smiles for the day - 02/27/08 04:54 PM


Friendship between Women:

A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship between Men:

A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends, eight of which confirmed that he had slept over, and two said that he was still there.

Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Smiles for the day - 02/28/08 06:48 AM

Bywarren remarked in Pedro's recently, apropos absolutely nothing at all, that most men have insufficient blood to supply both their penises and their brains at the same time.

Can't imagine what he means.
Posted By: Bill Mc Ghee

Re: Smiles for the day - 02/28/08 01:33 PM

One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and told him that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odour of baked beans was more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and
before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans.
All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.
Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see! me and exclaimed delightedly: 'Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight.'
He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call.

The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously.
Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage.
Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes.
The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells signalled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.
My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not.
At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: 'Happy Birthday!'


I fainted!!!!!!!!!!!!!!




Posted By: Chachacoconut

Re: Smiles for the day - 02/29/08 11:06 AM

THESE RETORTS ARE VERY GOOD!

When in England at a fairly large conference, Colin Powell was asked by the Archbishop of Canterbury if our plans for Iraq were just an example of empire building by George Bush.

He answered by saying, “Over the years, the United States has sent many of its fine young men and women into great peril to fight for freedom beyond our borders. The only amount of land we have ever asked for in return is enough to bury those that did not return.”

It became very quiet in the room.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Then there was a conference in France where a number of international engineers were taking part, including French and American. During a break one of the French engineers came back into the room saying “Have you heard the latest dumb stunt Bush has done? He has sent an aircraft carrier to Indonesia to help the tsunami victims. What does he intended to do, bomb them?”

A Boeing engineer stood up and replied quietly: “Our carriers have three hospitals on board that can treat several hundred people; they are nuclear powered and can supply emergency electrical power to shore facilities; they have three cafeterias with the capacity to feed 3,000 people three meals a day, they can produce several thousand gallons of fresh water from sea water each day, and they carry half a dozen helicopters for use in transporting victims and injured to and from their flight deck. We have eleven such ships; how many does France have?”

Once again, dead silence.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A U.S. Navy Admiral was attending a naval conference that included Admirals from the US., English, Canadian, Australian and French navies. At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a large group of officers that included personnel from most of those countries. Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks but a French admiral suddenly complained that, “whereas Europeans learn many languages, Americans learn only English.” He then asked, “Why is it that we always have to speak English in these conferences rather than speaking French?”

Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied “Maybe it's because the Brits, Canadians, Aussies and Americans arranged it so you wouldn't have to speak German.”

You could have heard a pin drop.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

AND THIS STORY FITS RIGHT IN WITH THE ABOVE

A group of Americans, retired teachers, recently went to France on a tour. Robert Whiting, an elderly gentleman of 83, arrived in Paris by plane.

At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry on. “You have been to France before, monsieur?” the customs officer asked sarcastically.

Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to France previously.

“Then you should know enough to have your passport ready.”

The American said, “The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it.”

“Impossible. Americans always have to show your passports on arrival in France!”

The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained. “Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in '44 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find any damn Frenchmen to show it to.”




Posted By: Bill Mc Ghee

Re: Smiles for the day - 02/29/08 05:11 PM

Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM.
He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.

The 10:00 PM news was coming on..

The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building
preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Bob and said, 'Do you think he'll jump?'

Bob says, 'You know, I bet he'll jump.'


The blonde replied, 'Well, I bet he won't.' Bob placed a $20
bill on the bar and said, 'You're on!'

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did
a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying,
'Fair's fair. Here's your money.'

Bob replied, 'I can 't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 PM
News and so I knew he would jump.'


The blonde replied, 'I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again.'


Bob took the money...
Posted By: VT-CDN

Re: Smiles for the day - 03/02/08 04:54 AM

An old blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter,

"Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky
voice, the woman next to him says,

"Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that
you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in
karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional
weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

"Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that
joke?"

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters,
"No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
Posted By: Shopgirl

Re: Smiles for the day - 03/03/08 05:09 AM

Grandma - different from Grandpa

A friend, who worked away from home all week, always made a special effort with his family on the weekends. Every Sunday morning he would take his 7-year old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some bonding time. Just he and his granddaughter.

One particular Sunday, however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at all. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter out.

When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather. "Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?"


"Oh yes, Papa," the girl replied, "and do you know what? We didn't see a single dumb bastard or lousy shit head anywhere we went today!"

Brings a tear to your eye doesn't it



Posted By: Bill Mc Ghee

Re: Smiles for the day - 03/03/08 08:05 PM

Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and
thinking, "Surely I can't look that old?"


Well, read this tale from a woman:

I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist.

I noticed his BDS diploma, which bore his full name.
Suddenly I remembered a tall, handsome, dark haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class nearly 40 years ago.
Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then?

Seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought.
This balding, gray haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.
After he examined my teeth I asked him if he had attended ........... ......
High School.

"Why yes. Yes I did." he gleamed with pride.

"When did you graduate?" I asked.

He answered, "In 1968. Why do you ask?"

"You were in my class!" I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely.


Then, that ugly, old, wrinkled, bald, fat, gray, decrepit son-of-a-bitch
asked,



"What did you teach?"


Posted By: Dita

Re: Smiles for the day - 03/03/08 09:06 PM

Two 90-year-old women, Rose and Barb, had been friends all of their lives. When it was clear that Rose was dying, Barb visited her every day. One day Barb said, "Rose, we both loved playing women's softball all our lives, and we played it all through High School. Please do me one favor: when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's women's softball there."

Rose looked up at Barb from her deathbed, "Barb, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you." Shortly after that, Rose passed on.

At midnight a couple of nights later, Barb was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, "Barb, Barb."

"Who is it?" asked Barb, sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"

"Barb -- it's me, Rose."

"You're not Rose. Rose just died."

"I'm telling you, it's me, Rose," insisted the voice

"Rose! Where are you?"

"In Heaven," replied Rose. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."

"Tell me the good news first," said Barb.

"The good news," Rose said, "is that there's Softball in Heaven. Better yet, all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always springtime, and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired"

"That's fantastic," said Barb. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?"

"You're pitching Tuesday."
Posted By: VT-CDN

Re: Smiles for the day - 03/04/08 01:48 AM

Don't judge too quickly.... funny commercials

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=po_6RdxYFEo
Posted By: VT-CDN

Re: Smiles for the day - 03/04/08 01:49 AM

man walks into a bank, gets in line, and when it is his turn he pulls out

a gun and robs the bank.

To make sure he leaves no witnesses he turns around and asks the next

customer in line,"Did you see me rob this bank?"

The customer replies, "Yes," whereupon the robber shoots him in the

head and kills him.

The robber quickly moves to the next customer in line and says to the

man, "Did you see me rob this bank?"

The man calmly responds, "No, but my wife did."
Posted By: VT-CDN

Re: Smiles for the day - 03/04/08 01:53 AM

A group of country friends from the Cottonwood Baptist Church wanted to get together on a regular basis, socialize, and play games. The lady of the House was to prepare the meal.

When it came time for Al and Janet to be the hosts, Janet wanted to outdo all the others. Janet decided to have mushroom-smothered steak. But mushrooms are expensive. She then told her husband, "No mushrooms. They are too high."

He said, "Why don't you go down in the pasture and pick some of those mushrooms? There are plenty in the creek bed."

She said, "No, some wild mushrooms are poison."

He said, "Well, I see varmints eating them and they're OK." So Janet decided to give it a try. She picked a bunch, washed, sliced, diced them for her smothered steak . Then she went out on the back porch and gave Ol' Spot (the Yard dog ) a double handful. Ol' Spot ate every bite. All morning long,Janet
watched Ol' Spot and the wild mushrooms didn't seem to affect him, so she decided to use them. The meal was a great success, and Janet even hired a helper lady from town to help her serve. She had on a white apron and a fancy little cap on her head. After everyone had finished, they relaxed, socialized, and played 42 and dominoes. About then, the helper lady from
town came in and whispered in Janet's ear.

She said, "Mrs. Williams, Ol' Spot just died."

Janet went into hysterics. After she finally calmed down, she called the Doctor and told him what had happened.

The doctor said, "That's bad, but I think we can take care of it. I will call for an ambulance and I will be there as quick as possible. We'll give everyone enemas and we will pump out everyone's stomach. Everything will be fine. Just keep them calm."

Soon they could h ear the siren as the ambulance was coming down the road. The EMTs and the doctor had their suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump. One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema, and pumped out their stomach.

After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said, "I think everything will be fine now." and he left.

They were all looking pretty weak sitting around the living room and about this time the helper lady came in and said, "You know, that fellow that ran over Ol'Spot never even stopped.
Posted By: DANZA

Re: Smiles for the day - 03/05/08 12:58 AM

Wal-Mart Application

This is an actual job application that a 75 year old senior citizen submitted to Walmart in Arkansas .
They hired him because he was so funny.....
NAME: Kenneth Way (Grumpy Old Bastard)

SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will cooperate)

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available .
If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package.
If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP
TO 50 lbs.?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I'm told I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job - no! On my breaks - yes!

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

NEAREST RELATIVE....7 miles

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?:
Oh yes, absolutely.

***Old People Rock! ***

Posted By: Shopgirl

Re: Smiles for the day - 03/06/08 06:03 PM

29 lines to make you smile, By Maxine.

1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
2. I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
3. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5. Don't take life too seriously; no one gets out alive.
6. You're just jealous because the voices ony talk to me.
7. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
9. I'm not a complete idiot-some parts are just missing.
10. Out of my mind. Back in 5 minutes.
11. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy why-the-heck-is-the-romm-spinning medicine.
12. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
13. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14. Consciousness: that annyoing time between naps.
15. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
16. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!!
17. Wrinkled was Not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up.
18. Procrastinate Now!
19. I have a degree in Liberal Arts: DO YOU WANT FRIES WITH THAT?
20. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
21. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
22. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
23. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was taken.
24. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
25. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
26. Ham and Eggs....A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
27. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
28. The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.
29. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.
Posted By: Shopgirl

Re: Smiles for the day - 03/06/08 06:40 PM

You Do The Math...

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.
A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need.

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.


Posted By: Chachacoconut

Re: Smiles for the day - 03/07/08 12:58 PM


One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, 'My elbow hurts like crazy. I guess I'd better see a doctor.'

'Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money,' Mike replies.

'There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.

It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars . . . A lot cheaper than a doctor.

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart.

He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

'You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart.'

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars , pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer .
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!

Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart cool


[font:Comic Sans MS]
[/font]
Posted By: VT-CDN

Re: Smiles for the day - 03/07/08 06:11 PM

The 11th Husband.....

A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband to
"Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin".
"What?" said the puzzled groom.
"How can that be if you've been married ten times.?"
"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
"Husband # 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was suppose to function;
but he said he'd look into it and get back with me.
"Husband # 3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically
but he just couldn't get the system up.
"Husband # 4 was in
Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
"Husband # 5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process
but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art method.
"Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn't sure
whether it was his job or not.
"Husband # 7 was in Marketing;
although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.
"Husband # 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.
"Husband # 9 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it.
"Husband # 10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was lick stamps and other things.
God I miss him.
" But now that I've married you, I'm so excited".
"Wonderful", said the husband, "but why? "Your're with the "GOVERNMENT".....
This time I Know I'm gonna Get Screwed.
Posted By: Chachacoconut

Re: Smiles for the day - 03/08/08 12:08 PM

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.
Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool. Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead." Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home.
sick
Posted By: ScubaLdy

Re: Smiles for the day - 03/08/08 05:19 PM

The Buffalo Theory - In one episode of 'Cheers', Cliff is seated at the bar describing the Buffalo Theory to his buddy, Norm. I don't think I've ever heard the concept explained any better than this.
&#65533;
&#65533;
&#65533;
'Well you see, Norm, it's like this . . . A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the lowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.
&#65533;
In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers.'
Posted By: Shopgirl

Re: Smiles for the day - 03/08/08 05:22 PM

(Ok, no heat on this one. Being female, I did find it funny in a twisted kind of way)




The Real Best Friend Test!

A dog is truly a man's best friend. If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.

Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour.

When you open the trunk, which is happier to see you?

Posted By: VT-CDN

Re: Smiles for the day - 03/08/08 06:48 PM

The day finally arrived. Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed,
and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.

St. Peter said, 'Well, Forrest,
it is certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you I must
tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we have been administering
an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to
pass it before you can get into Heaven.'

Forrest responds, 'It sure is
good to be here, St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever told me about any entrance
exam. I sure hope that the test ain't too hard.

Life was a big enough test
as it was.'

St. Peter continued, 'Yes, I
know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.

First:
What two days of the week begin with the letter T?

Second:
How many seconds are there in a year?

Third:
What is God's first name?'

Forrest leaves to think the questions
over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and
says, 'Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over,
tell me your answers'

Forrest replied, 'Well, the
first one -- which two days in the week begins with the letter 'T'?
Shucks, that one is easy. That would be Today and Tomorrow.'

The Saint's eyes opened wide and
he exclaimed, 'Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do
have a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I will give you credit
for that answer. How about the next one?' asked St. Peter.

'How many seconds in a year?
Now that one is harder,' replied Forrest, but I thunk and thunk about
that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve.'

Astounded, St. Peter said, 'Twelve?
Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds
in a year?'

Forrest replied, 'Shucks, there's
got to be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd... '

'Hold it,' interrupts St.
Peter. 'I see where you are going with this, and I see your point,
though that was not quite what I had in mind....but I will have to give
you credit for that one, too. Let us go on with the third and final question.
Can you tell me God's first name'?

'Sure,' Forrest replied,
'it's Andy.'

'Andy?' exclaimed an exasperated
and frustrated St Peter.

'Ok, I can understand how you
came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the
world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?'

'Shucks, that was the easiest
one of all,' Forrest replied. 'I learnt it from the song, 'ANDY
WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN.'

St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates,
and said: 'Run Forrest, run.'
Posted By: Chachacoconut

Re: Smiles for the day - 03/09/08 01:22 PM


Trouble with plane engines

While cruising at 36,000 feet, the airplane shuddered, and a passenger looked out the window.

"Oh no!" he screamed, "One of the engines just blew up!"

Other passengers left their seats and came running over; suddenly the aircraft was rocked by a second blast as yet another engine exploded on the other side.

The passengers were in a panic now, and even the stewardesses couldn't maintain order. Just then, standing tall and smiling confidently, the pilot strode from the cockpit and assured everyone that there was nothing to worry about. His words and his demeanor seemed made most of the passengers feel better, and they sat down as the pilot calmly walked to the door of the aircraft. There, he grabbed several packages from under the seats and began handing them to the flight attendants.

Each crew member attached the package to their backs.

"Say," spoke up an alert passenger, "Aren't those parachutes?"

The pilot confirmed that they were.

The passenger went on, "But I thought you said there was nothing to worry about?"

"There isn't," replied the pilot as a third engine exploded. "We're going to get help."
Posted By: travelqueen

Re: Smiles for the day - 03/10/08 08:20 PM

I'm really 25! I knew it!!!

http://www.embedtube.com/uploads/33101407Realage.swf
Posted By: KC Jayhawk

Re: Smiles for the day - 03/10/08 08:35 PM

Whooohoo!! I'm only 41!!!! grin
Posted By: Bobber

Re: Smiles for the day - 03/10/08 08:41 PM

56, Holy Crap. But expect to live to 82. Why would I want to do that?
Posted By: Ernie B

Re: Smiles for the day - 03/10/08 08:42 PM

I aint tellin' but im 14 yrs younger than I thought grin And, I gotta keep this lifestyle up til im 95! Dang, I better stock up on booze!
Posted By: Hon

Re: Smiles for the day - 03/10/08 08:57 PM

I get a do-over for 18.4 years! ...and I'm going to live to 95. I suppose I should get my knees fixed after all smile
Posted By: elbert

Re: Smiles for the day - 03/10/08 09:08 PM

34.5, 101.5 predicted
But I'm 58
what happens if i run out of money before 101.5 , stress level goes up and spec. # goes down?
Posted By: Shopgirl

Re: Smiles for the day - 03/10/08 09:14 PM

20 years younger and living until I am 92.5 years!! Dang!! I need to start looking for a younger man!!!!!!! laugh
Posted By: elbert

Re: Smiles for the day - 03/10/08 09:21 PM

May West,'Its just math 25 goes into 50 more than 50 goes into 25 smile
Posted By: Bill Mc Ghee

Re: Smiles for the day - 03/10/08 09:24 PM

49.5 expected to live to 91.5

No freekin way!!!

I need to drink more beer!!
Posted By: Chloe

Re: Smiles for the day - 03/10/08 10:15 PM

OMG, I best slow down my spending habits, to live til 94.7!
Posted By: travelqueen

Re: Smiles for the day - 03/10/08 11:03 PM

Chloe, lolol... I believe you will live at least that long! I'm to expire at age 84... even with my excersize & good eating habits. frown
Posted By: Shopgirl

Re: Smiles for the day - 03/10/08 11:20 PM

Elbert, way too funny!! don't you just love Mae West!! laugh
Posted By: pugwash

Re: Smiles for the day - 03/11/08 12:06 AM

Apparantly, you are getting this message from the grave.....
Posted By: Shopgirl

Re: Smiles for the day - 03/11/08 01:10 AM

Please accept my condolences......... smile
Posted By: crockhunter

Re: Smiles for the day - 03/11/08 01:08 PM

I should already be dead. But who wants to live forever if you can't have fun?
Posted By: KC Jayhawk

Re: Smiles for the day - 03/11/08 03:10 PM

One for St. Patrick's Day!! grin

An Irishman goes to confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church.

'Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I had
relations with Nookie Green twice last month.'

The priest tells the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Marys.'

Soon after, another Irishman enters the confessional. 'Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had relations with Nookie Green twice a week for the last two months.'

This time the priest questions, 'Who is Nookie Green?'

'A new woman in the neighborhood,' the sinner replies.

'Very well,' sighs the priest. 'Go and say ten Hail Marys.'

At Mass the next morning, as the priest prepares to deliver his
sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop dead gorgeous redhead woman enters the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down right in front of the priest. Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes. The priest and altar boy gasp, as the woman in the matching green shoes and dress sits with her legs slightly spread apart.

The priest turns to the altar boy and whispers, 'Is that Nookie Green?'

The bug-eyed altar boy can't believe his ears but replies, 'No, I
think it's just the reflection off her shoes....'
Posted By: Barnacle

Re: Smiles for the day - 03/11/08 03:28 PM

looks like willie nelson!
Posted By: travelqueen

Re: Smiles for the day - 03/11/08 04:01 PM

cute... http://fc01.deviantart.com/fs13/f/2007/077/2/e/Animator_vs__Animation_by_alanbecker.swf
Posted By: NYgal

Re: Smiles for the day - 03/11/08 04:16 PM

smile
Posted By: sunandsand

Re: Smiles for the day - 03/11/08 06:49 PM

Very cute, TQ.
Posted By: Grace

Re: Smiles for the day - 03/11/08 08:02 PM

I'm 51....but really 44...not much difference there, just a few drinks. But I'll live to 85, so I can make up for it!
Posted By: Shopgirl

Re: Smiles for the day - 03/12/08 04:47 PM

Two rednecks are out hunting, and as they're walking along they come upon a huge hole in the
ground. They approach it and are amazed by the size of it.


The first hunter says " Wow, that's some hole, I can't even see the bottom, I wonder how deep it is?"
The second hunter says" I don't know, let's throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."


The first hunter says, " There's this old transmission here, give me a hand and we'll throw it
in and see". So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and three, and throw it in the hole.


They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush
behind em. As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole with
no hesitation, and jump in headfirst.


While they are standing there look ing at each other, looking in the hole, and trying to figure out
what that was all about, an old farmer walks up. "Say there", says the farmer, "you fellers didn't
happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?"


The first hunter says " Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat
came running out of the bushes doin' about a hunert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this hole here!"


And the old farmer said, " Why that's impossible, I had him chained to a transmission! "



Posted By: Shopgirl

Re: Smiles for the day - 03/13/08 04:27 PM

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every
time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off
the light. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous.

She figured she would break him of this habit. So one night,
while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic
session, she turned on the lights. She looked down and saw her husband
was holding a battery-operated leisure device... A vibrator! Soft,
wonderful and larger than a real one. She went completely ballistic.
'You impotent
bas***d,' she screamed at him, 'How could you be lying to me all
of these years? You better explain yourself!'

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:

'I'll explain the toy . . You explain the kids.'

Posted By: elbert

Re: Smiles for the day - 03/13/08 07:02 PM

Animat Vs Animat II
warning contains graphic violence :-)

http://fc03.deviantart.com/fs13/f/2007/073/7/0/Animator_vs__Animation_II_by_alanbecker.swf
Posted By: VT-CDN

Re: Smiles for the day - 03/14/08 05:25 AM

A nice one , so I'm not in too much deep~~~~~~~~~~~~




Old Age, I decided, is a gift

I am now, probably for the first time in my life, the person I have always wanted to be. Oh, not my body! I sometime despair over my body, the wrinkles, the baggy eyes, and the sagging butt. And often I am taken aback by that old person that lives in my mirror (who looks like my mother!), but I don't agonize over those things for long.

I would never trade my amazing friends, my wonderful life, my loving family for less gray hair or a flatter belly. As I've aged, I've become more kind to myself, and less critical of myself. I've become my own friend. I've learned when to stay and when to go.

I don't chide myself for eating that extra cookie, or for not making my bed, or for buying that silly cement gecko that I didn't need, but looks so avante garde on my patio. I am entitled to a treat, to be messy, to be extravagant.


I have seen too many dear friends leave this world too soon; before they understood the great freedom that comes with aging.

Whose business is it if I choose to read or play on the computer until 4 AM and sleep until noon?

I will dance with myself to those wonderful tunes of the 60&70's, and if I, at the same time, wish to weep over a lost love ..... I will.

I will walk the beach in a swim suit that is stretched over a bulging body, and will dive into the waves with abandon if I choose to, despite the pitying glances from the jet set.
They, too, will get old.

I know I am sometimes forgetful. But there again, some of life is just as well forgotten. And I eventually remember the important things.

Sure, over the years my heart has been broken. How can your heart not break when you lose a loved one, or when a child suffers, or even when somebody's beloved pet gets hit by a car? But broken hearts are what give us strength and understanding and compassion. A heart never broken is pristine and sterile and will never know the joy of being imperfect.

I am so blessed to have lived long enough to have my hair turning gray, and to have my youthful laughs be forever etched into deep grooves on my face. So many have never laughed, and so many have died before their hair could turn silver

As you get older, it is easier to be positive. You care less about what other people think. I don't question myself anymore. I've even earned the right to be wrong.

So, I like being old. It has set me free. I like the person I have become. I am not going to live forever, but while I am still here, I will not waste time lamenting what could have been, or worrying about what will be. And I shall eat dessert every single day. (If I feel like it)


MAY OUR FRIENDSHIP NEVER COME APART ESPECIALLY WHEN IT'S STRAIGHT FROM THE HEART! MAY YOU ALWAYS HAVE A RAINBOW OF SMILES ON YOUR FACE AND IN YOUR HEART FOREVER AND EVER!
Posted By: VT-CDN

Re: Smiles for the day - 03/14/08 08:06 PM

A recent study found the average American walks
about 900 miles a year.

Another study found Americans drink, on average, 22
gallons of alcohol a year .

That means, on average, Americans get about 41 miles
to the gallon.

Kind Of Makes You Proud To Be American.



Ps: Posted by and Brit-Canuk.
Posted By: travelqueen

Re: Smiles for the day - 03/14/08 10:41 PM

He he he... I'm single for a reason!

From a bitter MAN...

Women's greatest strength is appearing weak.

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race...you're a male chauvinist. If you stay home and do the housework....you're a pansy. If you work too hard...there's never any time for her. If you don't work enough...you're a good-for-nothing bum. If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay...this is exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay...you should get off your lazy behind and find something better. If you get a promotion ahead of her...that is favoritism. If she gets a job ahead of you ...its equal opportunity.


If you mention how nice she looks...its sexual harassment. If you keep quiet...its male indifference. If you cry...you're a wimp. If you don't...you're an insensitive bastard. If you make a decision without consulting her...you're a chauvinist.

If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman. If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy...that's domination. If SHE asks you...it's a favor. If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear...you're a pervert. If you don't...you're gay.


If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape...you're sexist. If you don't...you're unromantic. If you try to keep yourself in shape...you're vain. If you don't...you're a slob. If you buy her flowers...you're after something. If you don't...you're not thoughtful. If you're proud of your achievements...you're full of yourself. If you don't...you're not ambitious. If she has a headache...she's tired. If you have a headache...you don't love her anymore. If you want it too often...you're oversexed. If you don't...there must be someone else.


Men die first because they want to.

Posted By: pugwash

Re: Smiles for the day - 03/14/08 11:35 PM

Originally Posted by travelqueen
He he he... I'm single for a reason!


So what is the reason? Hairy Legs and out of shape?
Posted By: Leah-Ann

Re: Smiles for the day - 03/15/08 12:01 AM

Originally Posted by pugwash
So what is the reason? Hairy Legs and out of shape?


someone obviously hasn't met the stunning TQ!!! or his eyesight is even worse than he claims!
Posted By: pugwash

Re: Smiles for the day - 03/15/08 05:39 AM

Read her post!

I picked the "hairy legs and out of shape" line because the next part decries me as a sexist!

That would be known as sarcasm, an educated form of humour!

Its is called "smiles for the day", correct?

Posted By: KC Jayhawk

Re: Smiles for the day - 03/15/08 07:15 AM

You are just asking for it, Pug!! I've never seen such a masochistic streak in a nominally intelligent male!!
Posted By: dabunk

Re: Smiles for the day - 03/15/08 02:13 PM

One fine spring day a blind man with a seeing eye dog enters a J.C.Pennys store. The floor
manager sees this and watches in fascination. "How" he wonders, "does that dog know what the man
might want to "look at"?" Man and dog make their way to the center of the store,whereupon the
blind man picks up the dog by the guide harness and swings him around and around over his head.
"HOLY SHIT!" yells the floor manager and rushes over. "Sir! Sir! There's no need for that! I'm the
floor manager! May I help you?" The blind man places the guide dog gently back on the floor and says
"Nah.--------I'm just looking around."
Posted By: Chachacoconut

Re: Smiles for the day - 03/15/08 02:40 PM

smirk
Posted By: Shopgirl

Re: Smiles for the day - 03/15/08 07:40 PM

Michael and his wife live in Minnesota. One winter morning while
listening to WCCO, they hear the announcer say, 'We are going to have 8
to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered
side of the street, so the snowplow can get through.'

Michael's wife goes out and moves her car.

A week later, while they were eating breakfast, the radio announcer
says, 'We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park
your car on the odd numbered side of the street so the snowplow can get
through.'

Michael's wife goes out and moves her car again.

The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer
says, 'We are expecting 12 to 14 i nches of snow today. You must
park......',then the electric power goes out. Michael's wife is very
upset and, with a worried look on her face, she says, 'Honey, I don't
know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the
plow can get through?'

With the love and understanding in Michael's voice, like all the men
who are married to blondes exhibit, Michael says, 'Why don't you just leave
it in the garage this time
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Smiles for the day - 03/16/08 11:15 PM

EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 50

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.

With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can.

Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks.

Then try 50-lb potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each sack.
Posted By: Shopgirl

Re: Smiles for the day - 03/17/08 02:55 AM

One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself, 'It's certainly not a ship.' And, as the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out the possibilities of a small boat or even a raft.
Suddenly there emerged from the surf a wet-suited black clad figure. Putting aside the scuba gear and the top of the wet suit, there stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde! The glamorous blonde strode up to the stunned Irishman and said to him 'Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?'
'Ten years,' replied the amazed Irishman. With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproofed pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit, and pulled out a fresh pack of cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, and takes a long drag. 'Faith and begorra,'said the man, 'that is so good I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!'
'And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Irish whiskey'
asked the blonde Trembling, the castaway replied, 'Ten years.' Hearing that, the blonde reaches over to her right sleeve unzips a pocket there and removes a flask and hands it to him. He opened the flask and took a long drink.
'Tis nectar of the gods!' stated the Irishman. 'Tis truly fantastic!'
At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle.. She looked at the trembling man and asked, 'And how long has it been since you played around?'
With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed: ' Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too!'

Posted By: travelqueen

Re: Smiles for the day - 03/17/08 05:44 PM

Ah man, y'all are funny! Thanks, LA! Miss you!!! xo
Posted By: Leah-Ann

Re: Smiles for the day - 03/17/08 07:00 PM

wink
Posted By: SimonB

Re: Smiles for the day - 03/18/08 03:32 AM

A cowboy rides his horse up to a saloon.
All the patrons gawked as the cowboy kissed his horse on the butt before coming in and asking for a drink.

The bartender serves him and asks, "Mind if I ask why'd ya kiss your horse on the butt?"

The cowboy says, "It's 'cause I got chapped lips."

The bartender asks, "Does manure help them heal?"

Cowboy replies, "No, but it keeps me from licking them."
Posted By: KC Jayhawk

Re: Smiles for the day - 03/18/08 03:23 PM

and to think, Simon's in the food delivery business!! shocked
Posted By: Rykat

Re: Smiles for the day - 03/18/08 09:06 PM

Thats a winner, Simon!! laugh laugh

TOP TEN COUNTRY WESTERN SONGS

10. I hate every bone in her body but mine

9. I ain't never gone to bed with an ugly woman but I woke up
with a few

8. If the phone don't ring. you'll know it's me.

7. I've missed you but my aim's improvin'.

6. Wouldn't take her to a dog fight 'cause I'm scared she'd win.

5. I'm so miserable without you it's like you're still here.

4. My wife ran off with my best friend and I miss him.

3. She took my ring and gave me the finger.

2. She's lookin' better with every beer.

And the number one country and wester song is...
1. It's hard to kiss the lips at night that chewed my ass out
all day long.
Posted By: Shopgirl

Re: Smiles for the day - 03/19/08 03:53 PM

Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"

80% held up their hands.

The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except
one small elderly lady.

"Mrs. Jones?"; "Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

"I don't have any." She replied, smiling sweetly.

"Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"

"Ninety-eight." she replied.

"Oh, Mrs. Jones, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a
person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?"

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the
congregation, and said:

"I outlived the bitches"
Posted By: Rykat

Re: Smiles for the day - 03/20/08 05:10 PM

And one of our children's favorites.

THE CAT IN THE HAT (on aging).

I cannot see
I cannot pee
I cannot chew
I cannot screw
Oh my God, what can I do?
My memory shrinks
My hearing stinks
No sense of smell
I look like hell
My mood is bad - can you tell?
My body's drooping
Have trouble pooping
The Golden Years
have come at last
The Golden Years
can kiss my ass.
Posted By: azbob

Re: Smiles for the day - 03/20/08 09:12 PM

To late for St. Patty's Day, so save this to next year, but can be used any time you need through out the year!

IRISH BEER TROUBLESHOOTING GUIDE


SYMPTOM
CAUSE
CORRECTIVE ACTION
---------------------------------------
Feet cold and wet
Glass Being held at incorrect angle.

Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling
-----------------------------------------------------------
Feet warm and wet
Improper Bladder Control

Stand next to nearest dog, complain about lack of house training
-----------------------------------------------------------
Beer unusually pale and tasteless
a. Glass empty.

b. You're holding a Coors Lite

Get someone to buy you another beer
--------------------------------------------------
Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights
You have fallen over backward.

Have yourself leashed to the bar
--------------------------------------------------------
Mouth contains cigarette butts, back of head covered with ashes
You have fallen forward

See above
-----------------------------------------------------------
Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet
a. Mouth not open

b. Glass applied to wrong part of face

Retire to restroom, practice in front of mirror
----------------------------------------------------------
Floor Blurred
You are looking through bottom of empty glass

Get someone to buy you another beer
----------------------------------------------------------
Floor moving
You are being carried out

Find out if you are being taken to another bar
-----------------------------------------------------------
Room seems unusually dark
Bar has closed

Confirm home address with bartender. If staff is gone, grab a six-pack to go and hit the nearest fire escape door. Run.
---------------------------------------------------------------

Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures
Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations

Cover mouth, open window, stick head outside
-------------------------------------------------------------
Everyone looks up to you and smiles
You are dancing on the table

Fall on someone cushy-looking
-----------------------------------------------------------
Beer is crystal-clear

It's water! Somebody is trying to sober you up

Punch him
----------------------------------------------------------------
People are standing around urinals, talking

You're NOT in the ladies' room

Do not use urinal! Excuse yourself, exit and try the next door down the hall. Try to get phone numbers before exiting (optional)
------------------------------------------------------------
Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear
You have been in a fight

Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them
-------------------------------------------------------------
Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in
You've wandered into the wrong party

See if they have free beer
------------------------------------------------------------
Your bedroom is painted gray, has a concrete floor and an interesting steel door. Toilet may be conveniently located next to your bunk
a. You're in jail

b. You're in the navy

Sleep it off, you can always get out tomorrow. Don't talk to your new roommate, and under no circumstances sleep on your stomach
---------------------------------------------------------------
You are dancing to a Village People song, and your partner is wearing leather chaps
You're in a gay bar

Keeping your back to the wall, edge toward nearest exit. Do not accept offers for backrubs
--------------------------------------------------------------
Your singing sounds distorted
The beer is too weak

Have more beer until your voice improves
---------------------------------------------------------------
Don't remember the words to the song
Beer is just right

Play air guitar

--------------------------------------------------------------



Posted By: sunandsand

Re: Smiles for the day - 03/20/08 10:12 PM

Most Wanted

A man walks into the sheriff's office... "I want to become a deputy!"

"Good, I want to you to catch this man" says the sheriff handling the man a wanted poster.

The poster reads : 'Last seen wearing a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper pants, and brown paper boots.'

"What's he wanted for?" asked the hopeful yound man.

"Rustling."
Posted By: Bill Mc Ghee

Re: Smiles for the day - 03/20/08 11:01 PM

A guy comes up to Alaska from the lower 48 to do some gold prospecting. He walks into a bar and proclaims that he is the meanest, toughest, roughest guy in Alaska.
The people in the bar just start to laugh.
The bartender tells the man that he has to prove it for them to believe him.
He tells the man that he must complete three tasks to prove it
1) He has to gulp down a Keg of beer
2) He has to wrestle a grizzly bear
3) He has to rape 83 year old Hatty who lives in town

The Guy picks up the beer gulps it all down , turns and runs out of the bar.
he is gone for 2 days, when he shows up his clothes are all torn to shreds, one of his ears is hanging near off, and he has scratches on his face, neck, arms and chest.
he hollers to everyone in the bar.

" Now Where Is this gal I gotta fight"
Posted By: reaper

Re: Smiles for the day - 03/20/08 11:41 PM

A lady wakes up one morning and looks into the mirror.
"AARRRGGGHHH!" she gasps! Immediatley she phones her doctor for an appointment.
When she gets to his office he asks her what the problem is.

"Doc", she says. "I woke up this morning with wrinkles everywhere, a pasty corpse like look, bags under my eyelids, veins showing through my skin, liver spots and really dry split end hair!"

"Well", the doctor said. "I'll tell you one thing right now, ma'am"

"What is it doc?" she cried.

"Your eyesight is perfect".
Posted By: VT-CDN

Re: Smiles for the day - 03/24/08 07:15 PM

A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters.
The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while "the lights would turn off."
Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.
However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.
She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?
The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf."
"Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way," said the nun.
So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.
After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. !
She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"
"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender, "Would you like a drink?"
"No thank you, but, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.
"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out.
Now, how about that drink?"
Posted By: SimonB

Re: Smiles for the day - 03/27/08 07:57 PM


Three hicks were working on a telephone tower - Steve, Bruce and Jed. Steve falls off and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone should go and tell his wife."

Jed says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of beer.

Bruce says, "Where did you get that, Jed?"

"Steve's wife gave it to me," Jed replies.

"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?"

Well, not exactly", Jed says. "When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Steve's widow'."

She said, "No, I'm not a widow!"

And I said, "I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are.
Posted By: VT-CDN

Re: Smiles for the day - 03/28/08 01:19 AM

An elderly gent was invited to an old friend's home for dinner one
evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to
his wife with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling,
Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years and
clearly, they were still very much in love.

While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his
host, 'I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call
your wife those loving pet names'

The old man hung his head. 'I have to tell you the truth,' he said, 'Her
name slipped my mind about 10 years ago and I'm scared to death to ask her
what it is!'
Posted By: pugwash

Re: Smiles for the day - 03/29/08 08:04 PM

The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the
city's most successful trial lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid the
lawyer a visit in his lavish office.

The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, "Our research shows that even
though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a
penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community
through the United Way?"

The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, "First, did your research also show
you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge
medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, "Uh... no, I didn't know that."

"Secondly," says the lawyer, "my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and
confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six
children."

The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off
again.

"Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a
dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three
children one of whom is disabled and another has learning disabilities
requiring an array of private tutors?"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, "I'm sorry, I had no
idea".

And the lawyer says, "Well, if I didn't give money to them, what makes you think I
would give any to you?"
Posted By: Dita

Re: Smiles for the day - 03/31/08 02:25 PM

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.

Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.

Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, 'When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.'

The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, 'I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.'

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, it will cost 99 cents a word.' Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, 'I want you to send her the word 'comfortable.'

The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word 'comfortable?'

The brunette explains, 'My sister's blonde. The word is big.

She'll read it very slowly.... 'com-for-da-bul
Posted By: Bill Mc Ghee

Re: Smiles for the day - 04/01/08 06:03 PM

The Spoon

For all of you who frequent restaurants and understand the need for the service to be faster, this short story is a timeless lesson on how consultants can make a difference to an organisation.

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange.

When another waiter brought our water, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, 'Why the spoon?'

'Well', he explained, 'the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen, instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.'

I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's zip. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their zips. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'

'Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice.

'Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the lavatory. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the toilet by 76.39 percent.

I asked 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'

'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.'.
Posted By: Nova

Re: Smiles for the day - 04/01/08 08:14 PM

GRADUAL EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE TO STAY FIT

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks. Then try 50-lb potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks.
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Smiles for the day - 04/02/08 12:28 AM

Plagiarism! I posted this last week!!
Posted By: Rykat

Re: Smiles for the day - 04/02/08 04:49 AM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3URQj_0fo9o

smirk
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Smiles for the day - 04/02/08 02:01 PM

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?"

The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot."

The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"

"Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?"

The farmer said, "Holy smokes, lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"

The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Smiles for the day - 04/02/08 02:15 PM

Passport Application in Britain:-


Dear Minister

I'm in the process of renewing my passport but I am a total loss to understand or believe the hoops I am being asked to jump through.

How is it that Bert Smith of TV Rentals Basingstoke has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a satellite dish from them back in 1994, and yet the Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date?

How come that nice West African immigrant chappy who comes round every Thursday night with his DVD rentals van can tell me every film or video I have had out since he started his business up eleven years ago, yet you still want me to remind you of my last three jobs, two of which were with contractors working for the government?

How come the TV detector van can tell if my TV is on, what channel I am watching and whether I have paid my licence or not, and yet if I win the government run lottery they have no idea I have won or where I am and will keep the bloody money to themselves if I fail to claim in good time?

Do you people do this by hand? You have my birth date on numerous files you hold on me, including the one with all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30-odd years. It's on my health insurance card, my driver's licence, on the last four passports I've had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the planes and boats over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms that are done every ten years and the electoral registration forms I have to complete, by law, every time our lords and masters are up for re-election.

Would somebody please take note, once and for all, I was born in Maidenhead on the 4th of March 1957, my mother's name is Mary, her maiden name was Reynolds, my father's name is Robert, and I'd be absolutely astounded if that ever changed between now and the day I die!

I apologise Minister. I'm obviously not myself this morning. But between you and me, I have simply had enough! You mail the application to my house, then you ask me for my address. What is going on? Do you have a gang of Neanderthals working there? Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I don't want to activate the Fifth Reich for God's sake! I just want to go and park my weary backside on a sunny, sandy beach for a couple of week's well-earned rest away from all this crap.

Well, I have to go now, because I have to go to back to Salisbury and get another copy of my birth certificate because you lost the last one. AND to the tune of 60 quid! What a racket THAT is!!

Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day? But nooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe make sense. You'd rather have us running all over the place like chickens with our heads cut off, then find some tosser to confirm that it's really me on the goddamn picture - you know, the one where we're not allowed to smile in in case we look as if we are enjoying the process! Hey, you know why we can't smile? 'Cause we're totally jacked off!

I served in the armed forces for more than 25 years including over ten years at the Ministry of Defence in London. I have had security clearances which allowed me to sit in the Cabinet Office, five seats away from the Prime Minister while he was being briefed on the first Gulf War and I have been doing volunteer work for the British Red Cross ever since I left the Services. However, I have to get someone "important" to verify who I am -- you know, someone like my doctor ... who, before he got his medical degree 6 months ago WAS LIVING IN PAKISTAN...

Yours sincerely,
An Irate British Citizen.
Posted By: ScubaLdy

Re: Smiles for the day - 04/02/08 04:49 PM

So true! Good one
Posted By: Nova

Re: Smiles for the day - 04/02/08 04:53 PM

Sorry pedro....I just can't keep up! crazy
Posted By: Barnacle

Re: Smiles for the day - 04/02/08 05:03 PM

One day a guy died and found himself in hell. As he was wallowing in despair, he had his first meeting with a demon. The demon asked, "Why so glum?"
The guy responded, "What do you think? I'm in hell!"
"Hell's not so bad," the demon said. "We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?"
"Sure," the man said, "I love to drink."
"Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab and Fresca. We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!"
The guy is astounded. "Damn, that sounds great."
"You a smoker?" the demon asked.
"You better believe it!"
"You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, no biggie. You're already dead, remember?"
"Wow, the guy said, "that's awesome!"
The demon continued. "I bet you like to gamble."
"Why yes, as a matter of fact I do."
"Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow.
"You into drugs?"
The guy said, "Are you kidding? I love drugs! You don't mean... ...."
"That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big
bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares!"
"Wow, the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation, "I never realized Hell was such a cool place!"

The demon said, "You gay?"
"No."

"Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays."

Posted By: Barnacle

Re: Smiles for the day - 04/02/08 05:08 PM

Little Timmy was in the garden filling in
a hole when his neighbor peered over the
fence. Interested in what the cheeky faced
youngster was up to, he politely asked,
"What are you up to there, Timmy?"

"My goldfish died," replied Timmy tearfully, without looking up,
"and I've just buried him."
The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"
Timmy patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your f***ing cat!"


Posted By: Dita

Re: Smiles for the day - 04/03/08 05:06 PM

A blonde finds herself in serious trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in dire financial straits. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help.
She begins to pray... 'God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery .'

Lottery night comes, and somebody else wins.

She again prays... 'God, please let me win the lottery! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well.'

Lottery night comes and she still has no luck.

Once again, she prays... 'My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house,and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask You for help, and I've always been a
good servant to You. PLEASE let me win the lottery just this one time so I can get my life back in order.'

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open.

The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God, Himself...

'Sweetheart, work with Me on this.... Buy a ticket.'

smile

Posted By: Shopgirl

Re: Smiles for the day - 04/03/08 08:51 PM

I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week. Early one morning, I received a call from the doctors office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45 am. The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare.
As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort. So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in that area to make sure I was at least presentable. I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.
I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in. Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or some other place a million miles away. I was a little surprised when the doctor said, "My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven't we?
I didn't respond.
After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home.
The rest of the day was normal .. Some shopping, cleaning, cooking.
After school when my 6 year old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom, "Mommy, where's my washcloth?"
I told her to get another one from the cupboard.
She replied, "No, I need the one that was here by the sink. It had all my glitter and sparkles saved inside it."

I'M NEVER EVER GOING BACK TO THAT DOCTOR, EVER!!!

Posted By: azbob

Re: Smiles for the day - 04/03/08 11:07 PM

DEAR ABBY ADMITTED SHE WAS AT A LOSS TO ANSWER THE FOLLOWING!

Dear Abby, A couple of women moved in across the hall from me.
One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her
mid twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never
seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be
Lebanese?

Dear Abby, What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl
Language and Violence On My VCR?

Dear Abby, I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm
not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his.

Dear Abby, I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has
been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my
boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough
to discuss money with him.

Dear Abby, I've suspected that my husband has been fooling
around, and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and
said it would never happen again.

Dear Abby, Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a
boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?

Dear Abby, I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it.
Now how do I get out?

Dear Abby, My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist
$50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.

Dear Abby, I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't
know he drank until one night he came home sober.

Dear Abby, My mother is mean and short tempered I think she is
going through mental pause.

Dear Abby, You told some woman whose husband had lost all
interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all
interest in sex and he is a doctor. Now what do I do?

Remember these people can vote!!
Posted By: Shopgirl

Re: Smiles for the day - 04/07/08 04:24 PM

Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.
The first surgeon, from New York , says, "I like to see Accountants on my operating table; because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second surgeon, from Chicago , responds, "Yeah, but you should try Electricians! Everything inside them is color coded." The third surgeon, from Dallas , says, "No, I really think Librarians are the best. Everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles , chimes in, "You know, I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over."
But the fifth surgeon, from Washington , DC , shut them all up when he observed, "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine; and the head and the ass are interchangeable. "
Posted By: Barnacle

Re: Smiles for the day - 04/07/08 06:23 PM

note on the fridge door,,,

"The Gyno College phoned. They said your Pabst Beer was normal?
I didn't know you drank beer?"
Posted By: azbob

Re: Smiles for the day - 04/09/08 07:38 PM

Affairs:

The 1st Affair:

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.
Exhausted,
they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes
outside and
rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home.


"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.

"I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my
secretary.
We had sex all afternoon."

"You're lying.

You've been playing golf!"


------------------------------------------------------------------------
--------
The 2nd Affair:

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always
talked about
having a son.They decided to try one last time for the son they
always wanted.

The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The
joyful father rushed

to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified at the
ugliest child he
had ever seen.

He told his wife, "There's no way I can be the father of this
baby. Look at the two

beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around
behind my back?"

The wife smiled sweetly and replied, " Not this time!"
_______________________________

The 3rd Affair:

A mortician was working late one night.

He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and
made a
startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he
had ever seen!

"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't
allow you to
be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be
saved for posterity."


So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it
home.


"I have to show you something you won't believe," he said to his
wife, opening

his briefcase.

"My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead?!?!"
__________________________________

The 4th Affair:

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband
opening the
front door. "Hurry," she said, "Stand in the corner."

She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum
powder.

"Don't move until I tell you," she said. "Pretend you're a
statue."

"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh, it's a statue." she replied. "The Smith's bought one and I
liked it
so much I got one for us, too."

No more was said, not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned
with a
sandwich and a beer.

"Here," he said to the statue, "Have this. I stood like that for
two days
at the Smith's and nobody offered me a thing."
___________________________________





The 5th Affair:

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.


"Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent."

"One Cent?" the man thought.

He glanced at the menu and asked, "How much for a nice juicy
steak and a
bottle of wine?"

"A nickel," the barman replied.

"A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this
place?"

The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."

The man asked, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"

The bartender replied,

"The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."


------------------------------------------------------------------------
--------


The 6th Affair:

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly, "I have something I must confess."

"There's no need to," his wife replied.

"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your
sister, your
best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"

"I know, I know," she replied. "Now just rest and let the poison
work."
Posted By: ScubaLdy

Re: Smiles for the day - 04/10/08 05:37 PM

You've heard about people who have been abducted and had their kidneys removed by black-market organ thieves.
My thighs were stolen from me during the night a few years ago. I went to sleep and woke up with someone else's thighs. It was just that quick. The replacements had the texture of cooked oatmeal. Whose thighs were these and what happened to mine? I spent the entire summer looking for my thighs.
Finally, hurt and angry, I resigned myself to living out my life in jeans. And then the thieves struck again.

My butt was next I knew it was the same gang, because they took pains to match my new rear-end to the thighs they had stuck me with earlier. But my new butt was attached at least three inches lower than my original! I realized I'd have to give up my jeans in favor of long skirts.

Two years ago I realized my arms had been switched. One morning I was fixing my hair and was horrified to see the flesh of my upper arm swing to and fro with the motion of the hairbrush. This was really getting scary - my body was being replaced one section at a time. What could they do to me next?
When my poor neck suddenly disappeared and was replaced with a turkey neck, I decided to tell my story. Women of the world wake up and smell the coffee!

Those 'plastic' surgeons are using REAL replacement body parts -stolen from you and me! The next time someone you know has something 'lifted', look again - was it lifted from you?

*THIS IS NOT A HOAX*. This is happening to women everywhere every night. *WARN YOUR FRIENDS!*
*P.S. Last year I thought someone had stolen my Boobs. I was lying in bed and they were gone! But when I jumped out of bed, I was relieved to see that they had just been hiding in my armpits as I slept. Now I keep them hidden in my waistband.
Posted By: SP Daily

Re: Smiles for the day - 04/10/08 06:48 PM

A father, passing by his son's bedroom, was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up from the floor.
Then, he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the pillow. 'Dear, Dad," the letter said. "It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing to you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene. I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercings, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am. But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy says that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better.

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren.

Love, your son,

Joshua

P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table.
Posted By: Shopgirl

Re: Smiles for the day - 04/10/08 07:10 PM

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped
him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly
hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large
plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still
shaking driver said, 'I'm sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me.'

The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize
a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.

The driver replied, 'No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my
first day driving a cab...................

I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.'





Posted By: Nova

Re: Smiles for the day - 04/10/08 08:07 PM

A skeptical anthropologist was cataloguing South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal brujo who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the brujo looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, who needs enemas?"

Groan!
Posted By: Bill Mc Ghee

Re: Smiles for the day - 04/10/08 08:11 PM

double GROAN!!!!!!!!
Posted By: James Morgan

Re: Smiles for the day - 04/10/08 08:53 PM

OK, here's one to pay for the time I've spent at work reading instead of working!
A married couple was asleep when the phone rang at 2AM. The blonde wife picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.
The husband asked, "Who was that?"
The wife said, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know "if the coast is clear."
Posted By: travelqueen

Re: Smiles for the day - 04/10/08 09:19 PM

lol
Posted By: VT-CDN

Re: Smiles for the day - 04/11/08 01:17 AM

A large, powerfully-built guy meets a woman at a bar. After a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place. As they are making out in the bedroom, he stands up and starts to undress.After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms and says, "See that, baby? That''s 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She begins to drool.The man drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder''s pose, and says, referring to his bulging thighs, "See those, baby? That''s 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She is aching for action at this point.Finally, he drops his underpants, and after a quick glance, she grabs her purse and runs screaming to the front door.He catches her before she is able to leave and asks, "Why are you in such a hurry to go?"She replies, "With 2000 pounds of dynamite and such a short fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow!"
Posted By: VT-CDN

Re: Smiles for the day - 04/11/08 02:15 AM

THINGS THAT HALLMARK CARDS DON'T SAY

//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
//////////////////////////////////////////////
My tire was thumping

I thought it was flat

When I looked at the tire...

I noticed your cat.

Sorry!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Heard your wife left you,

How upset you must be.

But don't fret about it...

She moved in with me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Looking back over the years

that we've been together,

I can't help but wonder...

'What the hell was I thinking?'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Congratulations on your wedding day!

Too bad no one likes your husband.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

How could two people as beautiful as you

Have such an ugly baby?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I've always wanted to have

someone to hold,

someone to love.

After having met you ..

I've changed my mind.

-------------------------------------- -----------------------------------
-----------------------

I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.

I never believed in Hell until I met you.

////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
//////////////////////////////////////////////

As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...

That you're not here to ruin it for me.

####################################################

Congratulations on your promotion.

Before you go..

Would you like to take this knife out of my back?

You'll probably need it again.

**************************************************************************
******

Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!

(Available only in Tennessee, Kentucky , West Virginia & South Dakota )

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Happy birthday! You look great for your age.

Almost Lifelike!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When we were together,

you always said you'd die for me.

Now that we've broken up,

I think it's time you kept your promise.

////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
//////////////////////////////////////////////

We have been friends for a very long time ..

let's say we stop?

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I'm so miserable without you

it's almost like you're here.

=====================================================

Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.

Did you ever find out who the father was?

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Your friends and I wanted to do

something special for your birthday.

So we're having you put to sleep.

))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
))))))))))))))))))))))

So your daughter's a hooker,
and it spoiled your day.

Look at the bright side,

it's really good pay.
Posted By: tattoo man

Re: Smiles for the day - 04/11/08 02:49 AM

Little Johnny wakes one late night to hear his parents in the next bedroom making strange noises. He goes next door to find Mommy and Daddy making love. Daddy walks him back to his room and explains what he saw was normal and natural and not to ever worry about it again...Tucks his little man back in bed and says "don't make a big deal about it go back to sleep"....Weeks later Grandma is visiting and Dad hears noises coming from her room late...Dad wanders down the hall to find Little Johnny on top of Grandma doing "the unthinkable". Dad's eyes are as big as saucers when Little Johnny says "Not so funny when it is "your" mom is it Dad!!! :-)
Posted By: Leah-Ann

Re: Smiles for the day - 04/11/08 03:10 AM

lines, people, lines!!! some just shouldn't be crossed!
Posted By: Shopgirl

Re: Smiles for the day - 04/11/08 04:48 AM

A little girl asked her mother, 'How did the human race appear?' The mother answered, 'God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so was all mankind made.'
Two days later the girl asked her father the same question. The father answered, 'Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.'
The confused girl returned to her mother and said, 'Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?'
The mother answered, 'Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his.'



Posted By: James Morgan

Re: Smiles for the day - 04/11/08 09:33 PM

Being from Texas gives me license to love this one.... Deep in the backwoods the hillbilly's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing."
Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. "Whoa there," said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down...I think there's another one coming."
Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl.
"No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern...It seems there's yet another one in there!" cried the doctor.
The hillbilly scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, "Do you think it's the light that's attractin' 'em?"
Posted By: VT-CDN

Re: Smiles for the day - 04/12/08 01:02 AM

New Disease Alert from The Centers for Disease Control
The Centers for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly
contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by
hand, and even electronically. This virus is called Weary Overload
Recreational Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your
colleagues, or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT. This
virus will wipe out your private life completely. If you should come into
contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises.

Optional: Take two good friends to the nearest grocery store and purchase
antidote - Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE). Take the antidote
repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system
Posted By: VT-CDN

Re: Smiles for the day - 04/12/08 01:03 AM

A woman returned to her 20 year reunion. Where she met all her friends
from high school.
The subject of husbands came up. All the other women were either married
to doctors or lawyers, when it was her turn, she replied,'that is my
husband over there, and he is an automotive technician.'

All the other women were aghast. 'I thought you were married to a lawyer',
asked one of the women. Her reply was 'yes my first husband was a lawyer,
then I married a doctor, after the doctor, I met Greg who is an automotive
technician.'

All the women could not understand why she would do something like that,
an automotive technician !!! Her reply was 'all the lawyer wanted to do is
talk about it, the doctor just wanted to look at it, and the technician
tore it apart on our wedding night, and has been working on it ever
since.'
Posted By: Chachacoconut

Re: Smiles for the day - 04/12/08 11:41 AM




> DON'T MESS WITH FARM KIDS
> >



> > A young boy comes down for breakfast. Since they live on
> >
> > a farm, his mother asks if he has done his chores.
> >
> > 'Not yet,' said the little boy.
> >
> > His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.
> >
> > Well, he's a little ticked off so when he feeds the chickens, he
kicks
> > a
> > chicken. When he feeds the cows, he kicks a cow.
> >
> > When he feeds the pigs, he kicks a pig.
> >
> > He goes back in for breakfast and his mother
> > gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
> >
> > 'How come I don't get any eggs and bacon,
> > and why don't I have
> > any milk in my cereal? ' he asks.
> > 'Well,' his mother says,
> > I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any
> > eggs for a week.
> >
> > I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either.
> >
> > I saw you kick the cow so for a week
> > you aren't getting any milk.'
> >
> > Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and
> > kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.
> >
> >
> > The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile,
> >
> > and says, 'You gonna tell him or should I?
Posted By: VT-CDN

Re: Smiles for the day - 04/13/08 08:32 PM

On a golf tour in Newfoundland, Tiger Woods drives his new Ford Fusion
into a gas station in Gander. The pump attendant, who obviously knows
nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Newfoundland manner
completely unaware of who the golfing pro is."How's she cuttin' bye" says
the attendant. Tiger nods a quick "hello"and bends forward to pick up the
nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the
ground. "What are dose?" asks the attendant. "They're called tees"
replies Tiger. "Well, what on god's earth are dey for?" inquires the
attendant. "They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.
"Well Jaysus", says the Newfoundlander, "Ford tinks of everyting!
Posted By: Rykat

Re: Smiles for the day - 04/13/08 09:47 PM




Subject: KEEPING PEOPLE HAPPY
Date: Fri, 11 Apr 2008 17:22:13 +0000


Presidential candidates, Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama were flying to a convention.

Barack looked at Hillary, chuckled and said, "You know, I could throw a
$1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy."

Hillary shrugged her shoulders and replied, "I could throw ten $100 bills
out of the window and make ten people very happy."

Hearing their exchange, the Republican pilot rolled his eyes and said to his co-pilot,
"Such big-shots back there. I could throw both of them out of the window and
make 156 million people very happy." smile
Posted By: Leah-Ann

Re: Smiles for the day - 04/14/08 12:38 AM

Ok, Ry - even I have to admit that's kinda funny! laugh
Posted By: Nascargirl

Re: Smiles for the day - 04/14/08 02:02 AM

Option #2: Go to Belize as soon as you get through customs.
Posted By: azbob

Re: Smiles for the day - 04/14/08 08:09 PM

This is not intended for any blondes on this Board. They are all intelligent beautiful people! Don't kill me ladies,please!

BISCUITS WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (the actual AP headline)
>
> Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego , was visiting her in-laws, and while there she went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head.
>
> One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in
the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.
>
> The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head.
>
> A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and
tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.
>
> Linda is a blonde and a Democrat who is going to vote for Hillary, but I'm certain that's irrelevant.

Posted By: KC Jayhawk

Re: Smiles for the day - 04/14/08 08:15 PM

I should run that through Snopes, but I want to believe it's true!!! laugh
Posted By: VT-CDN

Re: Smiles for the day - 04/14/08 11:16 PM

A blonde was driving down the highway when she noticed her car starting to rattle, ping and lose power. She looked down and saw the temperature gauge pegged in the red so she shut of the ignition and coasted off the side of the road. No sooner had she got out to open the hood when four dudes jumped out -- each running to a different corner of the car, throwing open the trench coats they were wearing and waving their manhood at the approaching traffic! Soon a state trooper pulled up and asked "What on earth is going on?" "Well," said the blonde, "My dad is a mechanic and he taught me to always pull over if the car overheats, and my car IS overheated!" "Yes, of course, I can see that!" said the trooper impatiently, observing the geyser of antifreeze spewing from the burst upper radiator tank, "But what's with these four guys?" "Oh", said the blonde...."Those are my emergency flashers!"
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Smiles for the day - 04/15/08 05:36 AM

Two hunters are out in the woods in New Jersey when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.

The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps "my friend is dead, what can I do?"

The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, make sure he's really dead".

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone the guy says "OK. Now what?".
Posted By: Chachacoconut

Re: Smiles for the day - 04/15/08 01:00 PM


TEN TIMES NORMAL SIZE
>
> The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her
> class,
> 'Which human body part increases to ten times its
> size when stimulated?'
> No one answered until little Mary stood up and said,
> 'You should not be
> asking sixth-graders a question like that! I'm going
> to Tell my parents,and
> they will go and tell the principal, who will then
> Fire you!'
>
> Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again,
> 'Which body part
> increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?'
>
> Little Mary's mouthfell open. Then she said to those
> around her, 'Boy, is
> she going to get in big trouble!'
>
> The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the
> class, 'Anybody?'
>
> Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously,
> and said, 'The body part
> that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is
> the pupil of the eye.'
>
> Mrs. Parks said, 'Very good, Billy,' then turned to
> Mary and continued. ' As
> for you, young lady, I have three things to
> say: One, you have a dirty mind, two, you didn't
> read your homework, and
> three, one day you are going to be very, very
> disappointed.'



Posted By: Bill Mc Ghee

Re: Smiles for the day - 04/15/08 03:52 PM

Paddy is sitting at a resturatnt with a couple he had just met from England.
In the middle of dinner Paddy stands up and lets loose with a loud Fart!
The Englishman stands up and says " How dare you Fart in front of my wife"
Paddy says. "I'm so sorry I didn't know it was her turn"
Posted By: ScubaLdy

Re: Smiles for the day - 04/15/08 04:07 PM

She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter as she'd done many times before. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, 'But Gramma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!'
#####
My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, '62.' He was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, 'Did you start at 1?'
#####
After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, 'Who was THAT?'
#####
A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like: 'We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods.' The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, 'I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!'
#####
My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, 'Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?' I mentally polished my halo while I asked, 'No, how are we alike?'
'You're both old,' he replied.
#####
A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather' s word processor. She told him she was writing a story. 'What's it about?' he asked. 'I don't know,' she replied. 'I can't read.'
#####
I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last she headed for the door, saying sagely, 'Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!'
#####
When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, 'It's no use, Grandpa. The mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights. '
#####
When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, 'I'm not sure.' 'Look in your underwear, Grandpa,' he advised. 'mine says I'm four to six.'
#####
A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, 'Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today.' The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. 'That's interesting, ' she said, 'how do you make babies?' 'It's simple,' replied the girl. 'You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'.'
#####
Children's Logic: 'Give me a sentence about a public servant,' said a teacher. The small boy wrote: 'The fireman came down the ladder pregnant.' The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. 'Don't you know what pregnant means?' she asked. 'Sure,' said the young boy confidently. 'It means carrying a child.'
#####
A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties.
'They use him to keep crowds back,' said one child.
'No,' said another, 'he's just for good luck.'
A third child brought the argument to a close. 'They use the dogs,' she said firmly, 'to find the fire hydrants...
Posted By: VT-CDN

Re: Smiles for the day - 04/15/08 08:03 PM

A rather portly gentleman is talking to his doctor, he says doc I understand as we
age the lower parts have a tendency to sag and get longer but it seems that every
time I step up to the latrine I have a harder time finding the little dove the girls love,
any suggestions? To this the doctor replies, you might try to diet. The old gent
says, thats a great idea, any suggestions as to what would be the best colour?
Posted By: azbob

Re: Smiles for the day - 04/15/08 09:13 PM

This is funny but the scary. It's probably not too far away from being reality. Want to know how to order a pizza in 2010? Click the link and see. Turn up the volume. Listen closely. Watch the pointer.
Somebody check with Pedro and see if he’s planning on implementing this program!


http://aclu.org/pizza/images/screen.swf
Posted By: Shopgirl

Re: Smiles for the day - 04/16/08 05:09 PM

To my drinking friends .
>
>
>
>
>
> I just read an article on the dangers of drinking....
>
>
> Scared the s**t out of me!
>
>
> So that's it!
>
>
> After today, no more reading.
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Smiles for the day - 04/16/08 05:14 PM

This is (allegedly) a true story.

The Queen was in her horse-drawn Landau with a visiting Head of State driving up The Mall towards Buckingham Palace.

Suddenly one of the horses let rip with a loud and smelly fart.

The Queen felt really embarrassed and said to her fellow passenger "Oh, I do beg your pardon!".

To which visiting HoS replied "That's all right, Ma'am. I thought it was one of the horses".
Posted By: SimonB

Re: Smiles for the day - 04/16/08 07:28 PM

A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trash can they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action.
The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing."

The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trashcans.

After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face. "This recession's really putting a big dent in my income," he told them. "From now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans."

The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they accepted his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus. A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street.

"Look," he said, "I haven't received my Social Security check yet, so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?"

"A freakin' quarter?" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think we're going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you're nuts! No way, dude. We quit!" And the old man enjoyed peace and serenity for the rest of his days.
Posted By: pugwash

Re: Smiles for the day - 04/16/08 08:20 PM

So was that $1 US or $1 bze, cause if Jesse ever bans me, I need to know where to start?
Posted By: Bill Mc Ghee

Re: Smiles for the day - 04/16/08 09:27 PM

Do you have trash Cans by your house Jesse???
Posted By: VT-CDN

Re: Smiles for the day - 04/17/08 02:59 AM

A man, returning home a day early from a business
trip, got into a taxi at the airport. It was after
midnight. While en route to his home, he asked the
cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an
affair, and he intended to catch her in the act.

For $100, the cabby agreed.

Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and the
cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband
switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in
bed with another man.

The husband put a gun to the naked man's head. The
wife shouted, 'Don't do it! This man has been very
generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money.
He paid for the Corvette I gave you. He paid for
our new cabin cruiser. He paid for your season
Pittsburgh Steeler tickets. He paid for our house at
the lake. He paid for our country club membership,
and he even pays for the monthly dues!'

Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband slowly lowered the gun. He
looked over at the cabby and said, 'What would you do?'

The cabby said, 'I'd cover his ass with that blanket
before he catches a cold.
Posted By: VT-CDN

Re: Smiles for the day - 04/17/08 03:06 AM

Don't know about anyone else but, I've come close to it at least once in my
lifetime.



= = = = = = = = = = =



I went grocery shopping recently while not being altogether sure that
course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had
prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented "You're definitely
going to $h!t yourself" chili. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of
being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat
it again the next day, both of your a$$ cheeks WILL fall off.



Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of
coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No "Watson's
Movement #2". Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my
intestinal tract, I appeared to be unable to create the usual morning
symphony referred to by my next door neighbors as thunder and lightning.



Knowing that a time of reckoning had to come, yet not sure of just when, I
bravely set off for the market; a local Wal-Mart grocery store that I often
haunt in search of tasty tidbits.



Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and
began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase It wasn't until I was
at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me.
Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm
referring to that "Uh oh, gotta go" pain that always seems to hit us at the
wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different.



The habaneras in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt. In
a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines,
forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one
step in the direction of the restrooms, which would bring sweet relief, it
happened. The peppers fired a warning shot.



There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly enveloped in a
noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was
afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me.
Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my
body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an elderly
woman turned into the isle.



I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what her reaction
would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate, as she
walked into it unsuspecting. Have you ever been torn in two different
directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at
least will be able to relate.



I could've warned that poor woman but didn't. I simply watched as she
walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so
terrible that all she could do before gathering her senses and running, was
to stand there blinking and waving her arms about her head as though trying
to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then it
made me laugh. Mistake.



Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things "clamped down",
if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst
forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later
told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was
robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.



Suddenly things were no longer funny. IT was coming, and I raced off
through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way,
praying that I'd make it before the grand mal assplosion took place.



Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the
inevitable "Oh my God", floating above the toilet seat because my ass is
burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the
middle of what is the true meaning of "Shock and Awe". He made a gagging
sound, and disgustedly said, "Sonofabitch!", then quickly left.



Once finished, I left the rest room, reacquired my partially filled cart
intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me
and said, "Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It
appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is
going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take
care of the problem."



That of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The
employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose
and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, "IT'S YOU!", then ran
off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously
escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.



Home again without having shopped, I realized that there was nothing to eat
but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls The next day I went to
shop at Albertson's. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court
over the whole matter. Bastards claim they 're going to have to repaint the
store.
Posted By: ScubaLdy

Re: Smiles for the day - 04/17/08 05:01 AM

As Cheech so aptly put it in 'Up In Smoke' . . . "Cheeks together - cheecks together!"
Posted By: Shopgirl

Re: Smiles for the day - 04/17/08 05:02 PM

A biker is riding by the zoo, when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents. The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.

A NR reporter has seen the whole scene, and addressing the biker, says, "Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I have seen a man do in my whole life."

"Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right."

"Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist from the National Review, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this on the first page. What motorcycle do you ride and what political affiliation do you have?"

"A Harley Davidson, and I am a Democrat." The journalist leaves.

The following morning the biker buys The National Review to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on first page:

BIKER GANG MEMBER ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH.


Posted By: VT-CDN

Re: Smiles for the day - 04/18/08 08:32 PM

A woman from Austin , who was a tree hugger and anti-hunter, purchased several acres of Hill Country land, near Lake Travis , Texas . There was a huge tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted to view the natural splendour of her land, so she climbed the tree. As she neared the top, she encountered a spotted owl. It attacked her! In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground. The ensuing fall incurred several splinters of wood in her crotch.

In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor, 35 minutes away. She told him she was an environmentalist and anti-hunter and how she came to receive all of the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience. He then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help. The impatient patient sat, and waited for three hours before the doctor reappeared.

The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?"

He smiled and said, "Well, I had to get permits from US Environmental Service, the Texas Parks and Wildlife and Keep Texas Beautiful before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area. I'm sorry, but they turned me down."


!! BLESS TEXAS
Posted By: VT-CDN

Re: Smiles for the day - 04/18/08 08:59 PM

Last one.
Bye
Posted By: pugwash

Re: Smiles for the day - 04/19/08 03:57 AM

Originally Posted by Jesse
Just don't beat on trash cans by my house and you'll be OK.


So are they real trash cans Jesse, or did you cut and paste a picture of someone elses trash cans?
Posted By: MissLena

Re: Smiles for the day - 04/20/08 08:22 PM

Stop smiling right this minnit!!! mad
Posted By: elbert

Re: Smiles for the day - 04/20/08 08:34 PM

my my she is in a nasty mood
Better watch this then
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VblAfsjKIWQ
Posted By: elbert

Re: Smiles for the day - 04/20/08 08:48 PM

and if that doesn't work ...and only if that doesnt work, watch this.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KmtzQCSh6xk
Posted By: Harvey

Re: Smiles for the day - 04/20/08 11:39 PM

Will you give me a cold bottle of Belikins Stout if I do?
Posted By: Shopgirl

Re: Smiles for the day - 04/22/08 06:01 AM



I have 4 extra tickets for the Robbie Knievel event at
the Charlotte Motor Speedway this weekend if anybody
wants them.

He's going to attempt to jump 500 REPUBLICANS with a
bulldozer. smirk
Posted By: Otteralum

Re: Smiles for the day - 04/22/08 01:08 PM

shopgirl -- you made me spit out my coffee. lol!!!!!!! smile
Posted By: Rykat

Re: Smiles for the day - 04/22/08 04:38 PM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3gg5LOd_Zus&feature=related

c'mon elbert get updated will ya!!! sick

4 minutes and 53 seconds of "Barbara" was 4 minutes and 52 seconds toooooo long!!!! wink
Posted By: DonnaR

Re: Smiles for the day - 04/22/08 04:58 PM

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman."

Oh yeah?" said Charlie "And how did this one end?"

"When it was over," Mike replied, "she came to me on her hands and knees."

"Really," said Charles, "now that's a switch! What did she say?"

She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken-shit!"

Posted By: DonnaR

Re: Smiles for the day - 04/22/08 05:00 PM

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK: 1. Innovative 2. Preliminary 3. Proliferation 4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK: 1. Specificity 2. Anti-constitutionalistically 3. Passive-aggressive disorder 4. Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK: 1. No thanks, I'm married. 2. Nope, no more booze for me! 3. Sorry, but you're not really my type. 4. Taco Bell? No thanks, I'm not hungry. 5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight? 6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke. 7. I'm not interested in fighting you. 8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool! 9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road. 10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.
Posted By: elbert

Re: Smiles for the day - 04/22/08 08:29 PM

rykat,
that guy got over 1,000,000 views and made more than $120,000.usd
for a video he made in the bathroom of himself.
Hes a pop star now with television appearances world wide.



Posted By: elbert

Re: Smiles for the day - 04/22/08 08:30 PM

pugwash were proud of you
PS I don't think you where deleted ,you must have just blew the link some how.
Posted By: Leah-Ann

Re: Smiles for the day - 04/22/08 08:50 PM

Didn't I recently read some rant about people who make posts consisting of lilttle more than a link?? crazy
Posted By: pugwash

Re: Smiles for the day - 04/22/08 10:34 PM

You may be referring to a post that said "NOTHING other than a link", but then again accuracy was never your strong point!

There was more to this, which was firstly edited, perhaps due to the names involved, and though re posted, has now been deleted entirely.

I'm curious as to if its the Primate Booger Eating that was offensive, or the fact it was posted in response to "someone’s" questioning which they would prefer to view that or another of my posts! (the question is now also deleted!)

Read this quick, it may not last long!
Posted By: Leah-Ann

Re: Smiles for the day - 04/22/08 10:55 PM

Yeah, it's a good thing you added "something" to your now-deleted post - it made all the difference!

or when you argue with him - so he deletes it. Rank has its privilege - and in this case you've been denied the privilege to rank!
Posted By: Rykat

Re: Smiles for the day - 04/22/08 11:44 PM

gee whiz, leave the boogers and delete the peeing? that aint fair wink
Posted By: azbob

Re: Smiles for the day - 04/23/08 11:13 PM

If you have a 'I Hate My Job' day, try this:



On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson.



Be very sure you get this brand.



When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.



Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.



Now the fun part begins.



Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement:



'Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized. '



Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times,'I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson & Johnson.'



HAVE A NICE DAY AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE BUTT THAN YOURS!
Posted By: Otteralum

Re: Smiles for the day - 04/24/08 03:19 PM

I was beginning to get very concerned about you azbob -- so glad your post took a turn for the better eek
Posted By: Bobber

Re: Smiles for the day - 04/24/08 03:53 PM

Literally, you can take this job and shove it. laugh
Posted By: elbert

Re: Smiles for the day - 04/24/08 04:03 PM

I'm not much of a good joke delivery person, but here goes.
This Belizean and a tourist are sitting next to one another in a restaurant having breakfast.
The Tourist looks over and ask,'What in the world is that your eating?' The Belizean replied,'Beef Tongue and Johnny Cake, We Belizeans have some British heritage even in our diets'.
The tourist looked shocked and said, 'How disgusting, Your eating something that came our of an animals mouth'.
The Belizean leaned over to look in the tourists plate, smiled and then asked ,'What is that your having?'
The Tourist replied... 'Eggs!'.
Posted By: ScubaLdy

Re: Smiles for the day - 04/24/08 04:23 PM

Elbert - very good - still laughing
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Smiles for the day - 04/24/08 05:50 PM

Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large raging, violent river. Needing to get to the other side, the first man prayed: 'God, please give me the strength to cross the river.'

Poof! ... God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.

After witnessing that, the second man prayed: 'God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river'

Poof! ... God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.

Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed: 'God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross the river'

Poof! . He was turned into a woman. (S)he checked the map, hiked one hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.

Posted By: pugwash

Re: Smiles for the day - 04/24/08 06:36 PM

Originally Posted by pedro2
(S)he checked the map


Anyone else see a problem with this?
Posted By: azbob

Re: Smiles for the day - 04/24/08 06:49 PM

Is he now a she/he?
Posted By: MissLena

Re: Smiles for the day - 04/24/08 09:05 PM

Originally Posted by pugwash
Originally Posted by pedro2
(S)he checked the map


Anyone else see a problem with this?


Yes. Rather than checking the map, she'd have asked the obvious natives standing nearby for directions to the bridge.
Posted By: Barnacle

Re: Smiles for the day - 04/24/08 09:12 PM

a cop drives by a car lot that is closed. he notices two old ladies sitting in a car,, just sitting there.
he goes to the car and asks if they are trying to steal it.
they say, "heavens no, we bought it".
"then why don't you drive it away?"
"oh, we can't drive."
"then why are sitting here?"
"we were told if we bought a used car we would get screwed,, so we're waiting."
Posted By: Bobber

Re: Smiles for the day - 04/26/08 02:09 PM

HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR: 2029



Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia , formerly known as California White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language

Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.

Baby conceived naturally! Scientists stumped.

Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.

Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica . No other country comes forward to help the beleaguered nation!

Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

85-year $75.8 billion study: Diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.

Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.

Global cooling blamed for citrus crop failure for third consecutive year in Mexifornia and Florexico.

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed they now can actually photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

Abortion clinics now available in every High School in United States .

Senate still blocking drilling in ANWR even though gas is selling for 4532 Pesos per liter and gas stations are only open on Tuesdays and Fridays.

Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.

Average height of NBA players is now nine feet, seven inches.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2030.

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.

Florexico voters still having trouble with voting machines.



Posted By: Shopgirl

Re: Smiles for the day - 04/27/08 05:36 AM

The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, 'You Can Be THE Man of Your House.'

He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, 'From now on, you need to know that I am

the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when

I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are Going to

go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want. Afterwards, you are going to draw

me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back, towel me dry, and bring me my robe. Then you

will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?'

The wife replied, 'The funeral director would be my first guess.'
Posted By: Bill Mc Ghee

Re: Smiles for the day - 04/28/08 01:31 AM

Subject: Fwd: hollywood squares





If you remember the Original Hollywood Squares and its comics, this may

bring a tear to your eyes. These great questions and answers are from

the days when " Hollywood Squares" game show responses were spontaneous,

not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the

questions, of course..



Q. Do female frogs croak?

A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. What made the monkey cry?

A. Paul Lynde: ...learning that Tarzan swings both ways.



Q.If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you

be?

A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.



Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years. A. George

Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.



Q.You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a

woman?

A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. Charley, what story began with the discovery of magic beans?

A. Charley Weaver: Inherit the Wind!



Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you

think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's

married?

A. Rose Marie: No; wait until morning.



Q.Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?

A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.



Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I Love You"?

A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.



Q. Which measurement was larger for the first Miss America, bust or hips?

A. Charley Weaver: Well, out at "The Home", we have one of the first

Miss Americas, and her bust meets her hips!



Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get Enough"?

A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q. You're watching balls going back and forth at speeds of up to 170

miles per hour. In what sport?

A. Joan Rivers: Jogging!



Q.As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands

while talking?

A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll

give you a gesture you'll never forget.



Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?

A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.



Q.Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to

get any during the first year?

A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.



Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?

A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.



Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist

camps. One is politics, what is the other?

A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.



Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?

A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. If you're eating spaghetti the Italian way, what is in your left hand?

A Paul Lynde: A fly swatter.



Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?

A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.



Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a

goose do?

A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?



Q.If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?

A .. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.



Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into

the habit of kissing a lot of people?

A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.



Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?

A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.



Q.Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head,

what was he trying to do?

A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.



Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your

elephant?

A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?



Q When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?

A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.



Q. What is a woman's most effective weapon?

A. Paul Lynde ... a pair of 38's ...



Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and

has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?

A. Charley Weaver: His feet.



Q According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?

A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh




Posted By: Rykat

Re: Smiles for the day - 04/28/08 03:19 AM

whew, funny, classic stuff can picture them saying it laugh laugh laugh
Posted By: ScubaLdy

Re: Smiles for the day - 04/28/08 05:49 AM


I bought a new Lexus 330 but returned to the dealer the next day because I couldn't get the radio to work.

The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated.

'Nelson,' the salesman said to the radio.

The Radio replied, 'Ricky or Willie?'

'Willie!' he continued and 'On The Road Again' came from the speakers.

Then, he said, 'Ray Charles!', and in an instant 'Georgia On My Mind' replaced Willie Nelson.

I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time I'd say, 'Beethoven,' I'd get beautiful classical music.



If I said, 'Beatles,' I'd get one of their awesome songs.

Yesterday, a driver ran a red light and nearly creamed my new Lexus. I swerved just in time to avoid him. I yelled, 'Ass Hole!'

Immediately Hail-to-the-Chief began playing.

I LOVE this car
Posted By: ChrisW

Re: Smiles for the day - 04/28/08 02:18 PM

SCHOOL -- 1957 vs. 2007

Scenario : Jack goes quail hunting before school, pulls into school parking lot with shotgun in gun rack.
1957 - Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack's shotgun, goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack.
2007 - School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.

Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.
1957 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.
2007 - Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it.

Scenario: Jeffrey won't be still in class, disrupts other students.
1957 - Jeffrey sent to office and given a good paddling by the Principal. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
2007 - Jeffrey given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. School gets extra money from state because Jeffrey has a disability.

Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.
1957 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.
2007 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang. State psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has affair with psychologist.

Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school .
1957 - Mark shares aspirin with Principal out on the smoking dock.
2007 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons.

Scenario : Pedro fails high school English.
1957 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college.
2007 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English banned from core curriculum. Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.

Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from 4th of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a red ant bed.
1957 - Ants die.
2007 - BATF, Homeland Security, FBI called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, FBI investigates parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated, Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

Scenario: Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him.
1957 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.
2007 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy
Posted By: MissLena

Re: Smiles for the day - 04/28/08 05:32 PM

How come I'm not smiling?
Posted By: elbert

Re: Smiles for the day - 04/28/08 06:42 PM

You should have your smiler looked at
It might be out of adjustment or you could be looking at it up side down.
Posted By: MissLena

Re: Smiles for the day - 04/28/08 07:52 PM

You just want to see me stand on my head, L-B. I know you!
Posted By: PalapaBob

Re: Smiles for the day - 04/28/08 11:55 PM

Smiling (or at least smirking) is alot more fun Lena.
Posted By: Bill Mc Ghee

Re: Smiles for the day - 04/29/08 02:37 PM

All these examples do NOT imply that gasoline is cheap; it just illustrates how outrageous some prices are....
You will be really shocked by the last one!
Compared with Gasoline......
Think a gallon of gas is expensive?



This makes one think, and also puts things in perspective.
Diet Snapple 16 oz $1.29 ... $10.32 per gallon

Lipton Ice Tea 16 oz $1.19 ........$9.52 per gallon

Gatorade 20 oz $1.59 ..... $10.17 per gallon

Ocean Spray 16 oz $1.25 ..... $10.00 per gallon

Brake Fluid 12 oz $3.15 ...... $33.60 per gallon

Vick's Nyquil 6 oz $8.35 ... $178.13 per gallon
Pepto Bismol 4 oz $3.85 .. $123.20 per gallon

Whiteout 7 oz $1.39 ....... . $25.42 per gallon

Scope 1.5 oz $0.99 .....$84.48 per gallon

And this is the REAL KICKER...
Evian water 9 oz $1.49..$21.19 per gallon! $21.19 for WATER and the buyers don't even know the source
(Evian spelled backwards is Naive.)
Ever wonder why printers are so cheap?

they have you hooked for the ink.
Someone calculated the cost of the ink at...............(you won't believe it....but it is true........) $5,200 a gal. (five thousand two hundred dollars)
So, the next time you're at the pump,be glad your car doesn't run on water, Scope, or Whiteout, Pepto Bismol, Nyquil or God forbid, Printer Ink!

Posted By: Shopgirl

Re: Smiles for the day - 04/29/08 06:46 PM

HOW TO SAVE THE AIRLINES

Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place.

Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What the hell -- They don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss?

The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a 'party atmosphere' going in the cabin. And, of course, every business man in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.

Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus saving even more mone y. I suspect tips would be so good that we could charge the women for working the plane and have them kick back 20% of the tips, including lap dances and 'special services.'

Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues.

This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right -- a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.

Why didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?

Sincerely,
Bill Clinton



Posted By: Amanda Syme

Re: Smiles for the day - 04/29/08 07:41 PM

THE LAWS OF ULTIMATE REALITY....................

Law of Mechanical Repair
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.


Law of Gravity
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of Probability
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of Random Numbers
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

Law of the Alibi
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

Variation Law
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

Law of the Bath
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

Law of Close Encounters
The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

Law of the Result
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

Law of Biomechanics
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Law of the Theater
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

The Starbucks Law
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Murphy's Law of Lockers
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Physical Surfaces
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

Law of Logical Argument
Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

Brown's Law of Physical Appearance
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

Oliver's Law of Public Speaking
A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

Doctor' Law
If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. Don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.
Posted By: Amanda Syme

Re: Smiles for the day - 04/30/08 06:40 PM

Here is a little something someone sent me that is indisputable mathematical logic. It also made me Laugh Out Loud.

This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint...it goes like this:

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

Is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%


And


K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But ,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-*-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far a** kissing will take you.

A-*-*-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 127%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullsh*t and A** kissing that will put you over the top.
Posted By: Amanda Syme

Re: Smiles for the day - 04/30/08 09:47 PM

Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services.

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

The sermon this morning: “Jesus Walks on the Water.” The sermon tonight: “Searching for Jesus.”

Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.

Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say “Hell” to someone who doesn’t care much about you.

Don’t let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

Miss Charlene Mason sang “I will not pass this way again,” giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

The Rector will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing: “Break Forth Into Joy.”

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What Is Hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church Please use the large double door at the side entrance.

The Associate Minister unveiled the church’s new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday : “I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours”.
Posted By: Barnacle

Re: Smiles for the day - 04/30/08 10:44 PM

A Fairy Tale,,,,

Once upon a time,, a long, long time ago,
there was a woman who did not whine, nag or bitch.

But that was a very long time ago, and just that one day.

The End.

Posted By: MissLena

Re: Smiles for the day - 04/30/08 11:48 PM

Hmmm...thin ice Barn, thin ice..... mad
Posted By: Otteralum

Re: Smiles for the day - 05/01/08 12:35 AM

Amanda, no joke, there was a church in my neighborhood that has a permanent part of their marquee that said "Westerville Presbyterian" at the top and "Join Us" at the bottom -- the only thing that changed every week was the sermon title appearing in-between these unchanging phrases.

One week , as I was walking through, I noticed the topic of the weekly sermon created an unfortunate turn of phrase on the marquee ---

"Westerville Presbyterian.
Hell.
Join Us!"
Posted By: gailtor

Re: Smiles for the day - 05/01/08 12:47 AM

Originally Posted by BiIl Mc Ghee


Q.If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?

A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.



Too funny.. Reaper is this true?? smile
Posted By: Leah-Ann

Re: Smiles for the day - 05/01/08 01:21 AM

MARRIAGE COUNSELING 101

A husband and wife came for counseling after 20 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 20 years they had been married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness,
loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their mrriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?'

The husband thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish.'
Posted By: Ernie B

Re: Smiles for the day - 05/01/08 01:24 AM

Figgers
Posted By: Barnacle

Re: Smiles for the day - 05/01/08 01:24 PM

a man who had a speech impediment decide to go to the doctor for some help.
"D-d-d-d-doc, i w-w-w-want to q-q-qiut s-s-s-stuttering."
after some tests the doc replies,
"i believe you problem is caused by stress. you need to release the stress. i as well use to stutter and i found that having my wife give me oral sex 3 times a day relieved all my stress and as you can tell, i was cured. i think you should try to relieve your stress."
"o-o-o-ok doc. i'll t-t-t-try that."
3 weeks later,,,
"so, hows the stutter coming along?"
"good d-d-doc, almost gone. maybe j-j-just a few more weeks."
"by the way doc, you s-s-sure have a nice house."
Posted By: Bobber

Re: Smiles for the day - 05/06/08 09:08 PM

Now, this is funny! We have soooo many dum dums.



A Florida teacher may have to pull an unemployment check out of his hat after performing magic in front of students, according to reports.

Jim Piculas said he made a toothpick disappear and reappear in front of students at the Rushe Middle School in Land 'O Lakes, Fla., Local6.com reported. He said he later got a call from the supervisor of teachers, saying he had been accused of wizardry.

"I get a call the middle of the day from head of supervisor of substitute teachers. He says, 'Jim, we have a huge issue. You can't take any more assignments. You need to come in right away,'" he told Local6.com.

Piculas said he’s concerned the incident may prevent him from being considered for future jobs.

Posted By: Bill Mc Ghee

Re: Smiles for the day - 05/06/08 09:41 PM

They Walk Among Us :

I was at the checkout of a K-Mart. The clerk rang up $46.64 charge. I Gave her a fifty dollar bill. She gave me back $46.64. I gave the money back to her and told her that she had made a mistake in my favor. She became indignant and informed me she was educated and knew what she was doing, and returned the money again. I gave her the money back -- same scenario! I departed the store with the $46.64.



I walked into a Starbucks with a buy-one-get-one-free coupon for a Grande Latte. I handed it to the girl and she looked over at a little chalkboard that said 'buy one-get one free.' 'They're already buy-one-get-one-free,' she said, 'so I guess they're both free.' She handed me my free Lattes and I walked out the door.



One day I was walking down the beach with some Friends when one of them shouted, 'Look at that dead bird!' Someone looked up at the sky and said, 'Where?'

They Walk Among Us:

While looking at a house, my brother asked the real Estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the North?' When my brother explained that the sun rises in the East, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, 'Oh, I don't keep up with all that stuff.'



I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, 'The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.' He responded, 'Is that Eastern or Pacific time?' Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, 'Uh, Pacific.'




My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk.



My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10% Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.



I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. 'Now,' she asked me, 'Has your plane arrived yet?'



at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. 'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.'



:
Posted By: Shopgirl

Re: Smiles for the day - 05/06/08 10:41 PM

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book,
and noticed he had his collar on backwards.

The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.

The man, who was a priest, said "I am a Father."

The little boy replied. "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that."

The priest looked up from his book and answered. "I am the Father of
many."

The boy said. "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he
doesn't wear his collar that way!."

The priest, getting impatient, said. "I am the Father of hundreds" and
went
back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and
said,
"Maybe you should wear a condom and put your pants on backwards instead
of
your collar."
Posted By: Amanda Syme

Re: Smiles for the day - 05/06/08 11:25 PM

The doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new suit.'
He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.'

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said , 'Let's see. Size 44 long.'

Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit, it fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'

Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'

The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'

Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?

'Been in the business 60 years.'

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop, and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'

Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'

The salesman said, 'Let's see... Size 36.'

Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you , I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'

*
*
*
*
*
*
*
The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.'

New suit - $400
New shirt - $36
New underwear - $6
Second Opinion - PRICELESS
Posted By: Barnacle

Re: Smiles for the day - 05/06/08 11:43 PM

ahhh,, thats a good one!
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Smiles for the day - 05/06/08 11:46 PM

Very good Amanda. Sunrise not very busy at present?!!
Posted By: shuffles

Re: Smiles for the day - 05/06/08 11:59 PM

Now that's funny!!!!
Posted By: Bobber

Re: Smiles for the day - 05/07/08 03:08 PM

That joke is at least 40 years old, and just as funny. laugh
Posted By: azbob

Re: Smiles for the day - 05/09/08 12:50 AM

This was on the Jay Leno show. Terry Bradshaw is a guest and this is drop dead funny about this lady that gave CPR to a chicken and saved it's life. It's good old "slap the knee" country humor. I couldn't find a better quality video so bear with it:
http://video.msn.com/video.aspx?mkt=en-us&vid=688f1020-54fc-47eb-8f1e-158886b321e8
Posted By: Shopgirl

Re: Smiles for the day - 05/12/08 03:26 PM

Underwear dust


One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!'

His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn’t let such a comment go unrewarded.

The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the Hell is this??' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.
'April,' he hollered into the bathroom, 'why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?'

She replied...'It's not talcum powder...It's 'Miracle Grow'

Posted By: Bill Mc Ghee

Re: Smiles for the day - 05/15/08 04:55 PM

The Lie Detector

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change. One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.

It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.

'Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?' asked John.

'Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project,' said Tommy.

The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy,
knocking him completely out of his chair.

'Son,' said John, 'this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school.'

'We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie.' said Tommy.

'What did you watch?' asked Marsha.

'The Ten Commandments.' answered Tommy.

The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him,
knocking him off his chair once more.

With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, 'I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.'

'I am ashamed of you son,' said John. 'When I was your age, I never lied to my parents.'

The robot then walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, 'Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy.
After all, he is your son!'

With that the robot immediately walked around to Marsha
and knocked her out of her chair . . .
________________________________________
Posted By: Amanda Syme

Re: Smiles for the day - 05/15/08 07:28 PM

Thanks for getting the ball rolling again Bill.

Not sure if I had seen this one posted, but hey, its still funny:

Cancel your credit card before you die..........(hilarious!)
Now some people are really stupid!!!! Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die.
This is so priceless, and so, so easy to see happening, customer service being what it is today.
A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00 when she died, but now somewhere around $60.00. A family member placed a call to Citibank.
Here is the exchange :
Family Member: 'I am calling to tell you she died back in January.'
Citibank : 'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'
Family Member : 'Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.'
Citibank : 'Since it is two months past due, it already has been.'
Family Member : So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'
Citibank : 'Either report her account to frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!'
Family Member : 'Do you think God will be mad at her?'
Citibank: 'Excuse me?'
Family Member : 'Did you just get what I was telling you -
the part about her being dead?'
Citibank : 'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.'
Supervisor gets on the phone:
Family Member : 'I'm calling to tell you, she died back in January with a $0 balance.'
Citibank : 'The account was never closed and late fees and charges still apply.'
Family Member : 'You mean you want to collect from her estate?'
Citibank : (Stammer) 'Are you her lawyer?'
Family Member : 'No, I'm her great nephew.' (Lawyer info was given)
Citibank: 'Could you fax us a certificate of death?'
Family Member : 'Sure.' (Fax number was given )
After they get the fax :
Citibank : 'Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know what more I can do to help.'
Family Member : 'Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. She won't care.'
Citibank: 'Well, the late fees and charges do still apply.' (What is wrong with these people?!?)
Family Member : 'Would you like her new billing address?'
Citibank : 'That might help.'
Family Member : ' Odessa Memorial Cemetery , Highway 129, Plot Number 69.'
Citibank : 'Sir, that's a cemetery !'
Family Member : 'And what do you do with dead people on your planet???
(Priceless!!)
Posted By: Rykat

Re: Smiles for the day - 05/16/08 06:43 PM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EYmsr8Sy4K0

Dont miss the last two!! laugh
Posted By: Chachacoconut

Re: Smiles for the day - 05/19/08 03:29 PM


Guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He
Marched straight up to the counter and said, 'Hi. You know, I just
HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.'

The social worker behind the counter said, 'Your timing is excellent.
We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a
Chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to
Drive around in his Mercedes, and he'll supply all of your clothes.
Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected
To escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips and you will
Have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll be provided a two-bedroom
Apartment above the garage. The salary is $200,000 a year.'

The guy, wide-eyed, said, 'You're bullshitting' me!'

The social worker said, "Yeah, well . . . . You started it."

Posted By: azbob

Re: Smiles for the day - 05/19/08 05:12 PM

A car gets a flat on the interstate one day.
The blonde driver eases it over onto the shoulder of the road, carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk.

She takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic. The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies and private parts to approaching drivers. Not surprisingly, the traffic becomes snarled and backed up.

It isn't very long before a police car arrives.

The officer, clearly enraged, approaches the blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling, "What's going on here?"

"My car broke down, officer" says the woman calmly.

"Well, what the heck are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by the road?" he asks.

Helllooooooo!!!!" says the blonde. "Those are my emergency flashers!"
Posted By: Bill Mc Ghee

Re: Smiles for the day - 05/19/08 09:00 PM

An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.

'I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.'

When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60lbs!

'Why, that's amazing!' the doctor said, 'Did you follow my instructions?'

The Irishman nodded...'I'll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t'aut I were going to drop dead on dat 3rd day.'

'From the hunger, you mean?' asked the doctor.

'No, from the f**kin' skippin'.
Posted By: Rykat

Re: Smiles for the day - 05/20/08 08:13 PM

The Next time you think your hotel bill is too high, consider this:
Husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston.
After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest.
They stop at a hotel and sleep for four hours. .

When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a
bill for $350.00.

The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He
tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't
worth $350.00! When the clerk tells him $350.00 is the standard rate, the
man insists on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to the man, and
then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge
conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use.

'But we didn't use them,' the man complains.

'Well, they are here, and you could have,' explains the manager.
He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which
the hotel is famous.
'The best entertainers from New York , Hollywood and
Las Vegas perform here,' the manager says.

'But we didn't go to any of those shows,' complains the man again.

'Well, we have them, and you could have,' the manager replies.

No matter what amenity the manager
mentions, the man replies, 'But we didn't use it!'

The manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the manager.

The manager is surprised when he looks at the check.

'But sir,' he says, this check is only made out for $50.00.'

'That's correct,' says the man. 'I charged you $300.00
for sleeping with my wife.'

'But I didn't!' exclaims the Manager.

'Well, too bad,' the man replies. 'She was here and you
could have.'


smile
Posted By: Nova

Re: Smiles for the day - 05/22/08 01:54 AM

WHY MEN HAVE BETTER FRIENDS

Friendship Between Women: A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew about it.

Friendship Between Men: A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over and two claimed that he was still there.
Posted By: elbert

Re: Smiles for the day - 05/24/08 03:36 PM

Poster 1 ‘I am sick to death of cleverness. Everybody is clever nowadays. You can't go anywhere without meeting clever people. The thing has become an absolute public nuisance. I wish to goodness we had a few fools left.

Poster 2 ‘We have.

Poster 1 ‘I should extremely like to meet them. What do they talk about?

Poster 2 ‘The fools? Oh! About the clever people, of course.

Poster 1 ‘What fools.


Oscar Wilde
Posted By: Rykat

Re: Smiles for the day - 05/28/08 03:15 AM

FOOTBALL AND THE BLONDE......
>
> Football FINALLY makes sense..........
>
> A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had
> great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked
> her how she liked the experience.
>
> "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and
> all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were
> killing each other over 25 cents."
>
> Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"
>
> "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the
> game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the
> quarterback!'
>
> I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!
>
Posted By: Chachacoconut

Re: Smiles for the day - 05/28/08 10:34 AM

Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, and John Mc Cain were
flying to a debate.

Barack looked at Hillary, Chuckled and said, 'You know I could throw a

$1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy.'

Hillary shrugged her shoulders and replied, 'I could throw ten $100
bills
out of the window

and make ten people very happy.'

John added, 'That being the case, I could throw one hundred $10 bills

out of the

window and make a hundred people very happy.'



Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his
copilot,
'Such

big-shots back there. I could throw all three of them out of the

window and make 156 million people very happy.'



I'm voting for the Pilot

Posted By: azbob

Re: Smiles for the day - 05/28/08 04:58 PM

Butch the Rooster

John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers

(hens), called 'pullets', and ten roosters, whose job it was to fertilize the eggs.

The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and

was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time, so he bought a set of tiny bells and

attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a

distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an

efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.

The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, a very fine specimen he was, too. But on

this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! John went to

investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing

the roosters coming, would run for cover.

But to Farmer John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd

sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of old Butch,

he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the

judges.

The result...The judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they awarded

him the Pullet surprise as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making: who else but a politician could figure out how

to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up

on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

Vote carefully this year...the bells are not always audible.

Posted By: ScubaLdy

Re: Smiles for the day - 05/28/08 07:50 PM

Bob - very good
Posted By: Rykat

Re: Smiles for the day - 05/28/08 08:11 PM

laugh laugh laugh
Posted By: Shopgirl

Re: Smiles for the day - 05/28/08 10:47 PM

Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her
rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. As luck would
have it, a Texaco Gasoline station was just a block away. She walked to the
station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas.

The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out,
but she could wait until it was returned.

Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to
wait and walked back to her car. She looked for something in her car that
she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the
patient. Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the
station, filled it with gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her
car.

As she was pouring
the gas into her tank, two Baptists watched from across
the street. One of them turned to the other and said

'If it starts, I'm turning Catholic'
Posted By: LaurieMar

Re: Smiles for the day - 05/29/08 12:14 AM

http://www.license.shorturl.com/
Posted By: Nova

Re: Smiles for the day - 05/29/08 12:16 AM

LOL Laurie. Since I don't like putting my name out there in the WWW, I put Ernie's instead!

Yep, that's him! laugh
Posted By: LaurieMar

Re: Smiles for the day - 05/29/08 12:28 AM

Nova, too funny. E, where are you - come and see your new license to drive!
Posted By: KC Jayhawk

Re: Smiles for the day - 05/30/08 05:46 PM

LIVING WILL FORM:

I, __________________________, being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means. Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of pinhead partisan politicians who couldn't pass ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on it or lawyers, doctors and hospitals interested in simply running up the bills.

If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to ask for at least one of the following:
______a Martini ______a Margarita ____ __ a single malt scotch ______a Bloody Mary ______a Gin and Tonic _______a Glass of Chardonnay ______a Belikin ________a Steak ______Lobster or crab legs ______The remote control ______a bowl of ice cream ______The sports page ______Chocolate or ______Sex, then it should be presumed that I won't ever get any better. When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my appointed person and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes and call it a day. At this point, it is time to call the New Orleans Jazz Funeral Band to come do their thing at my funeral, and ask all of my friends to raise their glasses to toast the good times we have had.

Signature: ___________________________ Date: ___________________________

NOTE: I also hear that in Ireland they have a Nursing Home with a Pub. The patients are happier and they have a lot more visitors. Some of them don't even need embalming when their time comes. If anyone knows the name of this happy place PLEASE pass it on!
Posted By: azbob

Re: Smiles for the day - 05/30/08 08:09 PM

KCJ, I'm prining it, fill it in, notarizing it and mailing it to the kids!!
Posted By: Shopgirl

Re: Smiles for the day - 05/31/08 06:30 AM

STUD ROOSTER


A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop.


The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK, old fart, time for you to retire."


The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?"

The young rooster says, "Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over."

The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud, I¹ll race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop."


The young rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a chance, old man. So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start."

The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. The Old Rooster is squalking and running as hard as he can.

The Farmer grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - he blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, ³Dammit! Third gay rooster I bought this month."

Moral of this story? ...


Don't mess with the OLD FARTS - age, skill, wisdom, and a little treachery always overcome youth and arrogance!

Posted By: ScubaLdy

Re: Smiles for the day - 05/31/08 03:35 PM

WOMEN'S REVENGE
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished
to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a
television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."





UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider.





MARRIAGE SEMINAR
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,
Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,
"It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and
dislikes."
He addressed the man,
"Can you name your wife's favorite flower?"
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's
Pillsbury, isn't it?





CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball
of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons
for your wife?
He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the
store
to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of
tobacco
and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.
(I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)





WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.

An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."





WORDS
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a
day...
30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat
everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"





CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be
so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
"The wife responded, "Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!





WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it because you get up first,
and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.
The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and
you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my
coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and beside s, it is in the Bible
that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at
the top of several pages, that it indeed says . "HEBREWS"





The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home
and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to
wake him
at 5:0 0 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on
a piece of paper,
"Please wake me at 5:00 AM ." He left it where he knew she would find
it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and
he had missed his flight Furious, he was about to go and see why his
wife hadn't wakened him,
when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM . Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.




Posted By: azbob

Re: Smiles for the day - 06/04/08 11:21 PM

Men are just simpler and happier people

NICKNAMES
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50.
None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337.
A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

CATS
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a hus band.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dental appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY FROM ALL THIS
A married man should forget his mistakes.
There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

Send this to the women who have a sense of humor and who can handle it, and to the men who will enjoy reading it.
Posted By: Shopgirl

Re: Smiles for the day - 06/05/08 08:47 PM

A doctor wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approached his assistant. 'Ole, I am goin' huntin' tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all my patients'.

'Yes, sir!' answers Ole.

The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks:

'So, Ole, how was your day?'

Ole told him that he took care of three patients.

'The first one had a headache so I gave him TYLENOL.'

'Bravo, Mate, and the second one?' asks the doctor.

'The second one had stomach burning and I gave him MAALOX, sir,' says Ole.

Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?' asks the doctor.

'Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman enters. Like a flame, she undresses herself, taking off everything including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table and shouts: HELP ME - I haven't seen a man in over two years!!

'Tunderin' Lard Yeezus, Ole, what did you do?' asks the doctor.

I put drops in her eyes.'

Posted By: elbert

Re: Smiles for the day - 06/07/08 03:51 PM

Hillary as a child
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZAu39I5QOUc
Posted By: Rykat

Re: Smiles for the day - 06/07/08 04:12 PM

laugh
Posted By: elbert

Re: Smiles for the day - 06/07/08 04:13 PM

I thought you might like that one
Posted By: Shopgirl

Re: Smiles for the day - 06/10/08 07:35 PM

A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the
wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the
biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go
up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive
is going to cost us.'

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm
voice said, 'Come on in.' When they opened the door they saw the
damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken
antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass.


A man reclining on the couch asked, 'Are you the people that broke my
window?'

'Uh...yeah! , sir. We're sure sorry about that,' the husband replied.

'Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see,
I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years.
Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes I'll
give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one
for my self.'

Wow, that's great!' the husband said .. He pondered a moment and
blurted out, 'I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my
life.'

'No problem,' said the genie 'You've got it, it's the least I can do.
And I'll guarantee you a long , healthy life!'

'And now you, young lady, what do you want?' the genie asked. 'I'd
like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in
the world,' she said.

'Consider it done,' the genie said. 'And your homes will always be safe
from fire, burglary and natural disasters!'
'And now,' the couple asked in unison, 'what's your wish, genie?'

'Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a
woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your
wife.'

The husband looked at his wife and said, 'Gee, honey, you know we both
now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?'

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, 'You know, you're right.

Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about
you, honey?'

You know I love you sweetheart,' said the husband. I'd do the same for
you!' So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the
rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable.
After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and
looked directly into her eyes and asked, How old are you and your
husband?'

'Why, we're both 35,' she responded breathlessly..
'No Kidding,' he said. 'Thirty-five years old and both of you still
believe in genies?



Posted By: Amanda Syme

Re: Smiles for the day - 06/11/08 05:48 PM

5 YR. OLD'S FIRST JOB

Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little 5 year old girl and some construction workers that will make you believe that we all can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time.

A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew began to build a house on the empty lot. The young family's 5 year old daughter naturally took an interest in the goings on and spent much of each day observing the workers.

Eventually the construction crew, all of them "gems-in-the rough", more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her during coffee and lunch breaks and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars.

The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars "pay" she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account. When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us." "Oh my goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?" The little girl replied, " I will, if those ***holes at Home Depot ever deliver the f---in' sheet rock."

Kind of brings a tear to the eye--doesn't it?
Posted By: Amanda Syme

Re: Smiles for the day - 06/11/08 05:53 PM

The Wish

A biker was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish." The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want." The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly he lp mankind." The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand our wives. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy." The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
Posted By: Dita

Re: Smiles for the day - 06/11/08 07:28 PM

After a British Airways flight reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced:

"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain. Welcome to Flight 293, nonstop from London Heathrow to Toronto. The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth, uneventful flight. So sit back, relax and ..... OH, MY GOD!"

Silence followed!

Some moments later the captain came back on the intercom.
"Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you. While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

One Irish passenger yelled, "bye jezis you should see the back of mine!"
Posted By: wade the gringo

Re: Smiles for the day - 06/11/08 08:13 PM

I am not sure how many will "get this" it is from those of us that work with pilots

What is the difference between God and a pilot?




God does not think he is a Pilot.
Posted By: Rykat

Re: Smiles for the day - 06/11/08 08:31 PM

cry

wink
Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Smiles for the day - 06/12/08 05:30 AM

Originally Posted by wade the gringo
I am not sure how many will "get this" it is from those of us that work with pilots.
What is the difference between God and a pilot?
God does not think he is a Pilot.


This one's told in the UK, with "doctor" substituted for "pilot".
Posted By: Leah-Ann

Re: Smiles for the day - 06/12/08 09:00 AM

"lawyer" is also a popular one
Posted By: Bobber

Re: Smiles for the day - 06/12/08 04:26 PM

he he he

http://www.animatronics.org/strangers/strangers.htm
Posted By: azbob

Re: Smiles for the day - 06/12/08 08:37 PM

What are the initials for a Judges Chambers?

Now you know why laywers think they are talking to GOD, or at least his SON and have an "in".
Posted By: Shopgirl

Re: Smiles for the day - 06/13/08 06:15 AM

A man died and went to The Judgment. St. Peter met him at the Gates of Heaven and said, "Before you meet with God, I thought I should tell you -- we've looked at your life, and you really didn't do anything particularly good or bad. We're not at all sure what to do with you. Can you tell us anything you did that can help us make a decision?"


The newly arrived soul thought for a moment and replied, "Yeah, once I was driving along and came upon a woman who was being harassed by a group of bikers. So I pulled over, got out my tire iron, and went up to the leader of the bikers. He was a big, muscular, hairy guy with tattoos all over his body and a ring pierced through his nose. Well, I tore the nose ring out of his nose, and told him he and his gang had better stop bothering the woman or they would have to deal with me!"


"I'm impressed," St. Peter responded, "When did this happen?"


"About two minutes ago," came the reply.

Posted By: ScubaLdy

Re: Smiles for the day - 06/13/08 03:34 PM

good good good good
Posted By: SimonB

Re: Smiles for the day - 06/17/08 03:21 PM

Siamese twins walk into a pub in Ontario and park themselves on a bar stool. One of them says to the barkeeper, 'Don't mind us, we're joined at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers, draft please'.

The barkeeper, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers.

'Been on holiday yet, lads?'

'Off to England next month,' says John. 'We go to England every year and hire a car and drive for miles, don't we, Jim?'

Jim agrees.

'Ah, England!' says the barkeeper. 'Wonderful country... the history, the beer, the culture...'

'Nah, we don't like that British crap,' says John. ' Hamburgers & Molsons beer, that's us, eh Jim? And we can't stand the English - they're so arrogant and rude.'

'So why keep going to England ?' asks the barkeeper.

'It's the only chance Jim gets to drive.'

Posted By: ScubaLdy

Re: Smiles for the day - 06/17/08 03:23 PM

George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked 'Is someone in your house?' and he said 'no'.

Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that hew should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available.

George said, 'Okay,' hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

'Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them.' Then he hung up.

Within five minutes, six police cars, a SWAT Team, a helicopter, two fire trucks, a paramedic and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the policemen said to George, 'I thought you said that you'd shot them!'

George said, 'I thought you said there was nobody available!'

(True Story) I LOVE IT - Don't mess with old people
Posted By: azbob

Re: Smiles for the day - 06/18/08 04:58 PM

Wisdom of Larry the Cable Guy:


1. A day without sunshine is like night.
2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
6. He who laughs last thinks the slowest.
7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
in the trap.
9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.
14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines
19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?
20. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, "What the
heck happened?"
22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear
bright until you hear them speak.
24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates; it's more like a jar of
jalapenos. What you do today, might burn you t
Posted By: pugwash

Re: Smiles for the day - 06/18/08 05:50 PM

Larry is a terrible person: he makes fun of unfortunate people and just is not sensitive enough to the troubles and suffering going on in the world: the stereotypes he perpetuates are despicable....


I like the fart jokes though smile

God, John Wayne and Ronald Reagan get "Thanks" on his credits!
Posted By: gailtor

Re: Smiles for the day - 06/19/08 12:07 PM

Politicians & Diapers need changing often.....needless to say for the same reasons smile
Posted By: Shopgirl

Re: Smiles for the day - 06/19/08 11:29 PM

A Greek and an Irishman were sitting in a Starbuck's cafe one day discussing who had the superior culture. Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, 'Well, we Greeks built the Parthenon,' arching his eyebrows.
The Irishman then replies, 'Well... it was the Irish that discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices.'

The Greek retorts, 'We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics.'
The Irishman, nodding in agreement, says, 'Irish were the ones who built the first timepieces and calendars.'

And so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says, 'The Greeks were the ones who invented sex!'
The Irishman replies, 'Indeed, that is true, but it was we Irish who introduced it to women.'


Posted By: sunandsand

Re: Smiles for the day - 06/20/08 11:54 AM

"How have you managed to buy such a luxurious villa while your income is so low?" asked the IRS auditor.

"Well," the taxpayer answered, "while fishing last summer I have caught a large golden fish. When I took it off the hook, the fish opened his mouth and said, 'I am a magical fish. Throw me back to the sea and I'll give you the most luxurious villa you have ever seen'. I threw the fish back to the sea, and got the villa."

"How can you prove such an unbelievable story?"

"Well, you can see the villa, can't you?"

Posted By: Leah-Ann

Re: Smiles for the day - 06/20/08 03:14 PM

This fine taxpayer sounds like the perfect candidate for law school! laugh
Posted By: pugwash

Re: Smiles for the day - 06/20/08 09:42 PM

Sounds more like a graduate to me smile
Posted By: SimonB

Re: Smiles for the day - 06/22/08 06:23 PM

A guy walked into a bar one day and said to the barman, "Give me six double vodkas."

The barman says, "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day."

"Yeah, I just found out my oldest son is gay."

The next day, the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I just found out that my youngest son is gay, too!"

On the third day, the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas. The bartender said, "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"

The man downed the first drink and shook his head, "Yeah, my wife!"
Posted By: Amanda Syme

Re: Smiles for the day - 06/25/08 04:14 PM

Lipstick in School (Priceless!)

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night the maintenance man would remove them, and the next day the girls would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses).

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers. and then there are educators.

Posted By: Amanda Syme

Re: Smiles for the day - 06/25/08 04:18 PM

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favour?"
"Of course. What may I do for you?"
"Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limit,and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"
"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."
"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.
The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do
you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"
"I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."
Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next!"
Posted By: azbob

Re: Smiles for the day - 06/26/08 03:59 PM

The madam opened the brothel door in Winnipeg and saw a rather
dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.

"May I help you, sir?"she asked.

"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.


"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else."

'No, I must see Valerie."

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $5,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to her. They went upstairs.

After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive. But there were no discounts. The price was still $5,000. Again, the man pulled out the money, and they went upstairs.


After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was
astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie questioned the man. "No one has
ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?"

"Ontario," he said.

"Really", she said. "I have family in Ontario ."

"I know. Your sister died, and I am her attorney. She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance."


The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain.
1. Death.
2. Taxes.
3. Being screwed by a lawyer.
Posted By: pugwash

Re: Smiles for the day - 06/26/08 06:11 PM

If any of the attorneys (not the Kansas ones!) on the board would like my address, please PM me smile
Posted By: deadserious

Re: Smiles for the day - 06/27/08 06:19 AM

FIFTEEN THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME OVER 50 YEARS TO LEARN
by Dave Barry

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

5. You should not confuse your career with your life.

6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

7. Never lick a steak knife.

8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.

12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

13. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)

14. Your friends love you anyway.

15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

FINAL Thought for the day: Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with
Posted By: azbob

Re: Smiles for the day - 06/27/08 11:39 PM

Warning Political Humor:

While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75 year old Texas rancher, whose hand was caught in a gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.
Eventually the topic got around to Obama and his bid to be our
President.
The old rancher said, 'Well, ya know, Obama is a 'Post Turtle'.'
Not familiar with the term, the doctor asked what a 'post turtle' was.
The old rancher replied, 'When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post turtle.'
The old rancher saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face, so continued to explain. 'You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he is up there, and you wonder what kind of a dumb ass put him up there to begin with.'


Posted By: Anonymous

Re: Smiles for the day - 06/28/08 02:26 AM

Sounds like Gordon Brown in Britain.
Posted By: Nova

Re: Smiles for the day - 07/01/08 02:13 AM

The Vanilla Pudding Robbery

This is just too funny not to share. Excerpted from an article which appeared in The Dublin Times about a bank robbery on March 2.


Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at disabling the security system got underway immediately. The robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash &valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes throughout the bank.

The robbers cracked the first safe's combination, and inside they found only a small container of vanilla pudding.

As recorded on the bank's audio tape system, one robber said, 'At least we'll have a bit to eat.'

The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but vanilla pudding. The process continued until all safes were opened.

They did not find one pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of gold. Instead, all the safes contained covered bowls of pudding.

Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach. The newspaper headline read:

IRELAND'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING'...

Posted By: Ernie B

Re: Smiles for the day - 07/01/08 11:41 AM

THAT IS SICK ! ! ! grin
Posted By: Leah-Ann

Re: Smiles for the day - 07/01/08 04:42 PM

but funny! laugh
Posted By: pugwash

Re: Smiles for the day - 07/02/08 03:15 AM

So no Diamonds or Gold, but they almost got away with a Pearl Necklace smile
Posted By: Amanda Syme

Re: Smiles for the day - 07/02/08 07:35 PM

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Richard, the 11 year-old next door whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come over.

Richard clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?" He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again."

Richard grinned.... "Haven't you ever heard of an 'ID ten T error' before?"

"No," I replied.

"Write it down," he said, "...and I think you'll figure it out."

So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T (...and to think I used to like the little sh!t.....)
Posted By: Shopgirl

Re: Smiles for the day - 07/02/08 08:13 PM

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each
other outside the operating room---the first surgeries of the day.
The first kid leans over and asks, 'What are you in here for?'
The second kid says, 'I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a
little nervous.'
The first kid says, 'You've got nothing to worry about. I had that
done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up
they give you lots of Jell-O and Ice Cream. It's a breeze.'
The second kid then asks, 'What are you here for?'
The first kid says, 'A circumcision.'
Whoa!' the second kid replies. 'Good luck buddy. I had that done when
I was born. Couldn't walk for a year.'

Posted By: SimonB

Re: Smiles for the day - 07/03/08 02:39 PM

Back in my IT days we used to tell people the problem was with the keyboard interface.
Posted By: Dita

Re: Smiles for the day - 07/03/08 02:48 PM

A screw loose between the back of the chair and the keyboard....
Posted By: Rykat

Re: Smiles for the day - 07/05/08 04:30 PM

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, "Seven Points."

His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"

The old man replied, "It's fart football."

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown, tie score."

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, "Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7"

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, "Touchdown, tie score."

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, "Field goal, I lead 17 to 14." Now the pressure is on the old man.

He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally shits in the bed.

The wife says, "What the hell was that?"

The old man says, "Half time, switch sides" =
Posted By: DonnaR

Re: Smiles for the day - 07/06/08 07:02 PM

A man and his ever-loving nagging wife went on vacation to Jeruselem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5000 or you can bury her here in the holy land for $150."

The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home. The undertaker asked " Why would you spend $5000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and only spend $150?"

The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just cant take that chance."

Posted By: Rykat

Re: Smiles for the day - 07/10/08 03:35 AM

HISTORY LESSON

Do you know what happened this week back in 1850, 158 years ago ? California became a state . The State had no electricity. The State had no money. Almost everyone spoke Spanish. There were gunfights in the streets.

So basically, it was just like it is today, except the women had real breasts and the men didn't hold hands.

Posted By: Dutch

Re: Smiles for the day - 07/10/08 04:09 AM

Zen Sarcasm

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.

Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
Posted By: Rykat

Re: Smiles for the day - 07/10/08 02:47 PM

laugh laugh laugh
Posted By: azbob

Re: Smiles for the day - 07/11/08 05:00 AM

Ol timer sex:

The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time
we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern
where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'

Yes, she says, 'I remember it well.'

OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do
it for old time's sake?'

Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and,
having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these
two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so
there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support
aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and
make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man
drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in..
Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has
ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud
noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on
the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and
old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple
struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is
still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to
ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them,' Excuse me, but that was
something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there
some sort of secret to this?'

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Fifty years ago that wasn't
an electric fence.'
Posted By: ScubaLdy

Re: Smiles for the day - 07/11/08 06:10 PM

Rykat
little correction
California Admission Day September 9, 1850
Posted By: Rykat

Re: Smiles for the day - 07/11/08 09:04 PM

ah, what's three months amongst friends. crazy
Posted By: ScubaLdy

Re: Smiles for the day - 07/12/08 06:31 PM


A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.

She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I' m very grateful. How much did you spend?' To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank c heck.

'There's no charge,' she says.

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'

'So I just switched the heads.'


BET YOU DIDN'T SEE THAT COMING!!!
Posted By: Leah-Ann

Re: Smiles for the day - 07/12/08 08:31 PM

That is funny! laugh
Posted By: ScubaLdy

Re: Smiles for the day - 07/13/08 08:36 PM

On vacation in Rome, I noticed a marble column in St. Peter's with a golden telephone on it. As a young priest passed by, I asked who the telephone was for. The priest told me it was a direct line to Heaven, and if I'd like to call it would be a thousand dollars. I was amazed, but declined the offer.


Throughout Italy I kept seeing the same golden telephone on a marble column. At each, I asked about it and the answer was always the same: a direct line to Heaven and I could call for a thousand dollars.


I finished my tour in Ireland. I decided to attend Mass at a local village church. When I walked in the door I noticed the golden telephone. Underneath it there was a sign stating: "DIRECT LINE TO HEAVEN 25 cents."

"Father," I said, "I have been all over Italy and in all the cathedrals I visited, I've seen telephones exactly like this one. But the price is always a thousand dollars. Why is it that this one is only 25 cents?"


The priest smiled and said, "Darlin', you're in Ireland now. It's a local call."
Posted By: KC Jayhawk

Re: Smiles for the day - 07/15/08 03:09 PM

Redneck IQ Test

I am sick and tired of hearing about how dumb people are in the South. I challenge any so-called smart Yankee to take this exam:

1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10 pound possum.

2. Which of these cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard?
(A) '65 Ford Fairlane
(B) '69 Chevrolet Chevelle
(C) '64 Pontiac GTO.

3. If your uncle builds a still which operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine produced per hour, how many car radiators are required to condense the product?

4. A woodcutter has a chainsaw, which operates at 2700 RPM. The density of t