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Britain is Repossessing the USA

Posted By: Pedro1

Britain is Repossessing the USA - 03/10/08 11:14 PM

Britain is Repossessing the USA

To: The citizens of the United States of America

In light of your failure to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy). Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect: You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.

1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix -ize will be replaced by the suffix -ise. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (Look up 'vocabulary').

3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as 'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize. You will relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen.

4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. Harley Davidsons will still be allowed.

8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been wrongly calling gasoline)-roughly $9/US gallon. Get used to it! We'll come back to the gallon measure later!

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with "ketshup", but with vinegar. You will henceforth stop serving everything in polystyrene containers. It is extremely bad for the environment. Newspapers have proved to completely acceptable for both their thermal properties and recycling qualities.

11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are a reasonable sporting Nation (having just managed to scrape the World Cup) and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to hereafter as NFGU. Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

13. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of girls). Don't try Rugby - the Southern hemisphere teams will thrash you, believe it or not, they sometimes beat us!

14. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans, Indians and Pakistani's (look them up in the Atlas provided or Google Earth) first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

16. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1769).

17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; strawberries in season. Dinner should be served after 6 in the evening. The midday meal is called lunch!

God save the Queen..

By Royal Proclamation

John Cleese

Governor designate for the North American Dependency,
(formerly known as the USA)
Posted By: sweetjane

Re: Britain is Repossessing the USA - 03/10/08 11:18 PM

wasn't he also the minister of silly walks?
Posted By: Ernie B

Re: Britain is Repossessing the USA - 03/10/08 11:23 PM

This will make it easier for us to get residencies in San Pedro.

Thanks!
Posted By: klcman

Re: Britain is Repossessing the USA - 03/10/08 11:35 PM

Looks like Mr. KC Jayhawk won't be getting easy residency very soon. On the other hand, he could appoint himself King/President/Emperor/Dictator and travel on diplomatic credentials!
Posted By: Rykat

Re: Britain is Repossessing the USA - 03/11/08 12:21 AM

p1 strikes again!!!!!!!! laugh laugh laugh laugh
Posted By: Otteralum

Re: Britain is Repossessing the USA - 03/11/08 12:39 AM

lol -- I am very busy tonight, but I pledge to have a response to Her Majesty forthwith.
Posted By: reaper

Re: Britain is Repossessing the USA - 03/11/08 01:10 AM

There goes my DENTAL plan!
Posted By: sweetjane

Re: Britain is Repossessing the USA - 03/11/08 02:03 AM

wow, you have a dental plan? i had over $15K in out of pocket medical last year alone, which is more than my income. i couldn't recoup it on my taxes because i stupidly invested wisely and made too much interest, which i promptly used to pay my legal bills cuz my ex sued me for custody and support.

i want to still love america; really i do....otter, help me here!!!!

Posted By: RMT

Re: Britain is Repossessing the USA - 03/11/08 02:14 AM

I believe it was a joke Jane! You know...the english and teeth and oh well never mind...:)

Oh noooo! Does this mean it's nothing but Bangers and Mash from here on out?? laugh
Posted By: bushdoctor

Re: Britain is Repossessing the USA - 03/11/08 02:31 AM

Hey P1, in your wildest dreams, how is your German?
Posted By: govikes

Re: Britain is Repossessing the USA - 03/11/08 01:10 PM

okay Pedro1 if the Brits are once again responsible for us, I will be over shortly for you to start supplying me with my beverage and food. If we can't carry guns or watch FOOTBALL, you can't possibly expect us to be able to supply our own beer (and pizza). Cheers!
Posted By: Danny2

Re: Britain is Repossessing the USA - 03/11/08 02:27 PM

Good one Peter. How long did it take you to put that together?
Posted By: sweetjane

Re: Britain is Repossessing the USA - 03/11/08 02:43 PM

LOL rhon - i totally missed that - worked WAY too darn much yesterday...was brain fried by the time i wrote it! blush

but i guess i use any chance to gripe about the healthcare system for those of us who got screwed by it...

however - i will NEVER agree that brit food is palatable, and while the beer part has much validity, some micro-brews (our fave - Saranac outta NY) here are giving 'american beer' back some dignity. wink



Posted By: Iam Right

Re: Britain is Repossessing the USA - 03/11/08 03:08 PM

Pedro 1 is misinformed or lack of history knowledge eludes him.

The President "George Bush" was not elected by the American people in the first election. He was appointed by the US Supreme court. As was Adolph Hitler appointed Chancellor by the German judiciary at the time. Very similar circumstances. And an obvious ballot stuffing on the second election with computer malfunctions??.

Now If I remember right in my history. The British ask for assistance in WWII. Without the Americans assistance and intervention Britain would be under Nazi rule probably even today.

I could go on on each topic but I think we get the picture.

Oh by the way.....Sir Paul McCartney is a huge American Football fan by quote. Also performed at one of the past recent "Super Bowls"

Pedro 1 needs a little more research and sounds like he has way too much time on his hands.

Here to American Apple Pie and a large slice of Humble Pie for Pedro 1.

I'm Right
Posted By: Bobber

Re: Britain is Repossessing the USA - 03/11/08 03:21 PM

I believe there are still recounts of the ballots going on, and they still don't have enough. laugh

Posted By: KC Jayhawk

Re: Britain is Repossessing the USA - 03/11/08 03:24 PM

Isn't it ironic that a man smart enough to invent the internet couldn't teach his supporters how to punch a hole in a ballot?? whistle
Posted By: Ernie B

Re: Britain is Repossessing the USA - 03/11/08 03:29 PM

I'm Right apparently does no know P1.
Posted By: GAY AND DAVID

Re: Britain is Repossessing the USA - 03/11/08 04:29 PM

hahahahaha dental plan hahahahhaa
simon cowell for president!
Posted By: SimonB

Re: Britain is Repossessing the USA - 03/11/08 04:38 PM

For those who don't have a clue, John Cleese wrote it. Those who don't know who John Cleese is need to get out more often.
Posted By: carbunkletrumpet

Re: Britain is Repossessing the USA - 03/11/08 05:22 PM

"It is mearly a flesh wound!" Good one P1.
Posted By: reaper

Re: Britain is Repossessing the USA - 03/11/08 06:32 PM

sarcasm, wit and humor evade some...
Posted By: elbert

Re: Britain is Repossessing the USA - 03/11/08 06:38 PM

Time to powder the gators behind.
Posted By: pugwash

Re: Britain is Repossessing the USA - 03/11/08 07:22 PM

Originally Posted by immissing
I'm Right apparently does no know P1.


Iamright apparently doesnt know much about anything......
Posted By: Ernie B

Re: Britain is Repossessing the USA - 03/11/08 08:28 PM

Dang! Wish I had said that cool
Posted By: pugwash

Re: Britain is Repossessing the USA - 03/11/08 09:25 PM

You probably will.....

Props to Oscar Wilde
Posted By: deadserious

Re: Britain is Repossessing the USA - 03/11/08 10:19 PM

Originally Posted by Iam Right

The President "George Bush" was not elected by the American people in the first election. He was appointed by the US Supreme court. As was Adolph Hitler appointed Chancellor by the German judiciary at the time. Very similar circumstances. And an obvious ballot stuffing on the second election with computer malfunctions??.


Uhhhhh.... right. well... hmmm...

Technically no president of the United States is elected by the American People. The USA is not a democracy. It's a representitive republic. According to our constitution, we do not have a popular vote for the office of President. We have an electoral system which in 2000 worked against Gore and for Bush. The Supreme Court has no authority to appoint the president and certainly did not in the 2000 election. The american people voted where they wanted their electoral votes to go and their electoral votes chose the president.
Posted By: pugwash

Re: Britain is Repossessing the USA - 03/11/08 10:32 PM

Thatís way too succinct and rational for a conspiracy theorist with out a lot of grey matter.....
Posted By: Iam Right

Re: Britain is Repossessing the USA - 03/12/08 02:39 AM

Merely a flesh wound? Yes, but wounded non the less.

I wonder where Pedro1 would be with out all these thousands of majority American and (Canadian)tourists and Brits and others.

Living back in jolly old London not doubt.....
Posted By: Rykat

Re: Britain is Repossessing the USA - 03/12/08 02:54 AM

Hopefully selling Pizza at the Jersey Shore! wink

But dont give up Iamright, many conspiracy theorist compadres' here to agree with you. smirk
Posted By: Ernie B

Re: Britain is Repossessing the USA - 03/12/08 03:09 AM

"I'm Right" needs about 3 weeks in San Pedro! That outta do it.
Posted By: klcman

Re: Britain is Repossessing the USA - 03/12/08 03:13 AM

What makes u think he/she is not already there?
Posted By: pugwash

Re: Britain is Repossessing the USA - 03/12/08 03:16 AM

Originally Posted by Iam Right
Merely a flesh wound? Yes, but wounded non the less.


You just really don't get it, do you?

Its an almost correct quote (sb its only a flesh wound) from the Black Knight (played by John Cleese, whose letter Peter posted to start this thread), who after having had both arms and legs cut off by the King refuses to accept defeat, despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary, (somewhat like the democrats in Florida!)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2eMkth8FWno

If you'd like me to stop correcting you, we can call it a draw thought....

Posted By: Rykat

Re: Britain is Repossessing the USA - 03/12/08 03:18 AM

selling real estate? smile
Posted By: Don Greife

Re: Britain is Repossessing the USA - 03/12/08 02:30 PM

P1 still has the Ugliest Dog in the World.
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