much needed laugh time

Posted By: ScubaLdy

much needed laugh time - 06/30/16 03:15 AM

I went into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church.

Inside I found a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap.

On one wall, there's a row of decanters with fine Irish whiskey and
Waterford crystal glasses.

On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.

Then the priest came in. I said to him, "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."

He replied: " You moron, you're on my side."

Posted By: RobertJ

Re: much needed laugh time - 06/30/16 06:08 PM

Ok, a little more R-Rated (but not bad):

Three kids are feeling frustrated, walking along the streets of Boston.
One says, "We gotta get some girl action goin'here"
Another of the boys responds with, "Lemme go into confession here at the church"
The other kids say "Wahhhhh???"

Anyway, he goes into the confessional, and tells the priest, "Fada, I've been bad....I had carnal relations with a girl"
The Priest says," Oh my son, it was with that McCurdy girl, wasn't it?"
The boy said, "I can't tell you that kinda thing"
The Priest comes back with, "Ok, it musta been that O'Leary girl, right?"
And the boy said, "Fada, I can't tell you stuff like that".
Finally, the Priest asks, " Ok, I KNOW it was the O'Hearly girl, wasn't it?"
The boy said, "Fada, I gotta go...I can't talk behind anyone's back."

The boy left and rejoined his friends, and they asked, "What happened??"

Their friend said, "Nothing but I got three great possibles!!!
Posted By: ragman

Re: much needed laugh time - 07/01/16 01:11 AM

I laughed a little of the last two jokes and others on this theme but I wonder why Christian jokes are common but you never read or hear a joke about Islam? Jews, Christians, Buddhism and some others fair game, others not so much. Just wondering, I'm a Christian and don't take offense to these jokes.

My barber on Back St. is Lebanese as is my wife (though she is a Lebanese Christian Mennonite). He knew this because he has talked with her and one day in the shop in front of several people in there he asked me if I had ever visited Lebanon and how beautiful it is. I immediately told him that I haven't went to Lebanon nor would I allow my children to visit because "you people play too rough." The whole place started giggling and two of the guys near me had to cover their faces while others turned their heads. Why is a reference like that enough out of bounds that the others had to try to hide their reaction? That really isn't a question, I already know the answer.
Posted By: Shyboy

Re: much needed laugh time - 07/01/16 02:45 AM

Jim: To try to steer this on a correct path let me tell you about the Rabbi and Priest on their way to an ecumenical council. The Rabbi couldn't resist asking the priest if he had ever lapsed and had relations with a woman.. The Priest admitted that yes, once, and he had really regretted it ever since. The priest was curious and asked the Rabbi if he had ever tasted ham... The Rabbi admitted it..... A little while later the Rabbi asked the priest " Wasn't sex a lot better than a ham sandwich?"

None of these jokes are PC but most are funny. Did I tell you about the blind seal who walked into a gay bar?
Posted By: ragman

Re: much needed laugh time - 07/01/16 10:05 AM

smirk Peter, I think you better hold off till I see you again for that last joke but you did make me smile. Have a good happy weekend. laugh
Posted By: COTraveler

Re: much needed laugh time - 07/01/16 02:08 PM

Doctor comes into the examination room and tells his elderly patient, "I have bad news. You have cancer and you have Alzheimer's. The elderly man responds, "At least I don't have cancer".
Posted By: elbert

Re: much needed laugh time - 07/04/16 02:04 PM

A Dung Beetle walked into a bar,'Is this stool taken?'.
Posted By: RobertJ

Re: much needed laugh time - 07/04/16 03:26 PM

One last Catholic joke (low-hanging fruit):

A lady has a "guest" over while her husband is gone. Of course, it doesn't take long for hubby to return, at which point she shoves the guest and her young son into a closet until she can gain control.

The little boy says, "Wow, it sure is dark in here!!" The guest reply, "Here, take $5 and keep quiet.."

Later in the week, the lady and her son are shopping, and the boy pulls out a $5 bill to pay for a toy; his mother asks, "Where did you get that money?". His response is, "Oh, from a guy I met."
His mother says, "You're not supposed to take money from strangers. Now, go into the confessional and set things right."

Which he does.

In the confessional, the boy says, "Wow, it sure is dark in here."
And the the priest says, "You're not gonna start THAT shit again!!."
Posted By: MikeRH

Re: much needed laugh time - 07/06/16 06:41 PM

thanks for the laughs - you folks are quite funny - my hope is that in San Pedro we don't have to too much about all the PC stuff going on in the rest of the world
Posted By: elbert

Re: much needed laugh time - 07/11/16 10:49 AM

An American tourist went into a restaurant in a Spanish provincial city for dinner, and asked to be served the specialty of the house. When the dish arrived, he asked what kind of meat it contained. "Senor, these are the cojones," the waiter replied. "The what, you say?" exclaimed the tourist. "They are the testicles of the bull killed in the ring today," explained the waiter. The tourist gulped but tasted the dish anyway, and found it delicious. Returning the following evening, he asked for the same dish. After he finished the meal, the tourist commented to the waiter: "Today's cojones are much saltier and smaller than the ones I had yesterday." "True, senor," agreed the waiter. "You see the bull, he does not always lose."
Posted By: dabunk

Re: much needed laugh time - 07/11/16 02:43 PM

The madam opened the brothel door in Winnipeg and saw a rather
dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.

"May I help you, sir?"she asked.

"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.

"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else."

'No, I must see Valerie."

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $5,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to her. They went upstairs.

After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive. But there were no discounts. The price was still $5,000. Again, the man pulled out the money, and they went upstairs.

After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was
astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie questioned the man. "No one has
ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?"

"Ontario," he said.

"Really", she said. "I have family in Ontario ."

"I know. Your sister died, and I am her attorney. She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance."

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain.
1. Death.
2. Taxes.
3. Being screwed by a lawyer.

Posted By: dabunk

Re: much needed laugh time - 07/11/16 03:24 PM

A Mafia Godfather learns that his bookkeeper has embezzled ten million dollars. The bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not be able to hear anything that he'd ever have to testify about in court. So when the Godfather interrogates the bookkeeper about the missing $10 million, he brings along an attorney who knows sign language.

The Godfather asks the bookkeeper, "Where's the 10 million you embezzled from me?"
The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the 10 million is hidden.
The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about." The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a 9 mm pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple, cocks it, and says, "Ask him again!"
The attorney signs to the bookkeeper: "He'll kill you for sure if you don't tell him!"
The bookkeeper signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens !"
The Godfather asks the attorney, "Well, what'd he say?"
The attorney replies, "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."
Don't ya just love lawyers
Posted By: dabunk

Re: much needed laugh time - 07/11/16 03:28 PM

A Montana rancher got in his pickup and drove to a neighbouring ranch and knocked at the door. A young boy, about 9, opened the door.
'Is yer Dad home?' the rancher asked.
'No sir, he ain't,' the boy replied. 'He went into town.'
'Well,' said the rancher, 'is yer Mom here?'
'No, sir, she ain 't here neither. She went into town with Dad.'
'How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?'
'He went with Mom and Dad.'

The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.
'Is there anything I can do fer ya?' the boy asked politely. 'I knows where all the tools are, if you want to borry one. Or maybe I could take message fer Dad.'
'Well,' said the rancher uncomfortably, 'I really wanted to talk to yer Dad.
It's about your Brother Howard getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, pregnant.'

The boy considered for a moment. 'You would have to talk to Pa about that' he finally conceded. 'If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but, I really don't know how much he gets fer Howard.'

Posted By: dabunk

Re: much needed laugh time - 07/11/16 05:06 PM

There's an old sea story in the Navy about a ship's Captain
who inspected his sailors, and afterward told the Chief
Boson's Mate that his men smelled bad.

The Captain suggested perhaps it would help if the sailors
would change underwear occasionally.

The Chief responded, "Aye, aye sir, I'll see to it immediately!"

The Chief went straight to the sailors berth deck and
announced, "The Captain thinks you guys smell bad and
wants you to change your underwear.

"Pittman, you change with Jones; McCarthy, you change with

Witkowski; and Brown, you change with Schultz. Now get to it!!!"

Someone may be promising "Change" in Washington ;
but don't count on things smelling any better!

Have a good week
Posted By: ronmyway

Re: much needed laugh time - 06/09/17 09:51 PM

A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman walk in to a bar. After while, they start talking about the bars back home:

"As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home.
In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's......The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."

"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said Paddy Sheehan, the Irishman. "Back home in me favourite pub in Galway, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually.
Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you get laid, all on the house."

The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims.
"Did this actually happen to you?"
"Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times."

Posted By: Shyboy

Re: much needed laugh time - 06/10/17 12:43 PM

A little while later a ham sandwich walked into the same bar and ordered a beer... The bartender looked at him and said "SORRY, we don't serve food here"
Posted By: Loansum-Al K

Re: much needed laugh time - 06/16/17 07:20 PM

The day before Thanksgiving, an elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing, forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says.

"We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "They're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own fares! Now what do we tell them for Christmas?!?
Posted By: Judyann H.

Re: much needed laugh time - 06/17/17 06:31 PM

Ha ha ha ha..... smile smile
Posted By: azbob

Re: much needed laugh time - 07/18/17 07:44 PM

Will I Live to see 80?
(Here's something to think about.)

I recently had to choose a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, she said I was doing fairly well for my age. (I am 74, I really am).
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking her, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'
She asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?'
'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'
Then she asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?'
'I said, 'Not much... My former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'
'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'
'No, I don't,' I said.
She asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'
'No,' I said.........
She looked at me and said, 'Then, why do you even give a shit?
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