Doctor Love

The Island Newspaper, Ambergris Caye, Belize            Vol. 13, No. 13            April 10, 2003

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Dr. Love is the island's and possibly the world's greatest authority on just about everything. The Doctor answers questions concerning any subject except religion or politics. Persons needing additional assistance or counseling should contact the Family Services Division at 227-7451.         

    You may write to the Doctor at P.O. Box 35, San Pedro Town, Belize, fax 226-2905 or e-mail at sanpdro sun@btl.net

Dear Doctor Love,

    My husband and I run our business together and we quarrel all of the time about it. It is not that we really mean to. It is just that we get started on something and neither one of us will let it go. He is a nice man but he is not very well educated and sometimes he says or does stupid things, especially with our employees that just drive me crazy. I try to show him that it is wrong to think that way. Then we get in a big argument and it never seems to end. He says the problem is that I like to talk just to hear myself, but that is not it at all. The real problem is that I am better educated than he is and I can think things through. He likes to just do something even if it is wrong. Then he will stand by it no matter what. This is wrong. Everyone makes bad decisions at some time in their life, but I think you have to be able to recognize when you make a bad decision and change what you are doing. I am tired of telling him I told you so and I am tired of fixing up his mistakes.

    He does not understand some really simple things like why we should buy everything in bulk or in whole cases to save money. I have explained it but he does not understand why we should price things at a little bit less than the competition. He says that we should not have to sell things for less than anyone else.

    Another problem that we have is that he works very hard and he expects everyone who works for him to work as hard as he does. The only reason we have any employees is because I am always cleaning up some mess that my husband has made with them. I know I could stop most of our arguments just by agreeing with him even if what he does or says is stupid. But I feel like if I do not at least put up a fight he will ruin every thing we have worked so hard for. Please help me figure out how to deal with this problem.

/s/ Tired of arguing

Dear Tired,

    Ignorant people do not know they are ignorant and do not understand if you tell them they are ignorant. The only way the Doctor sees to deal with this problem, is to work around it.

    For example, if your husband does not understand when you tell him the advantages of buying in bulk, write it down. Don't try to tell him in words.

    On a piece of paper, write down the cost of items bought in bulk versus items bought in small quantities. Do the math and show him the difference in dollars. If you make it so he can understand it easily, he will find it hard to argue about it. You will be amazed at how well this works. It takes the argument away.

    If this works, try it with other things. Write down how much you think it costs to train an employee to work for you. Try to show him on paper that sometimes it is better to keep someone even if they have faults. After all, you've kept him.

Dear Doctor,

    I have a friend who is what you would call a "know-it-all". She seems to have the answer to every question about any subject that comes up in conversation. What she has to say about things usually sounds pretty good but when you start listening to her closely, you realize that she really does not know what she is talking about. She is always giving advice to other people about how to run their lives and yet her life is all screwed up.

    The other day we were with a group of people and one of the women at our table started talking about the troubles that she is having with her husband. She thinks her husband is having an affair. My know-it-all friend started giving her all of this advice about how to find out if her husband is sneaking around on her. I almost laughed out loud because I know for a fact that the woman who was complaining about her husband is having an affair with my know-it-all friend's husband. I started to say something but then I looked around the table at the other three women sitting there, and I could tell by the way they were looking that they knew it, too. I kept my mouth shut but it is killing me not to tell her. I am afraid that some day it will just pop out while we are having a conversation.

    Should I just go ahead and tell her and get it over with?

/s/ Friend

Dear Friend,

    Not if you want to keep her as a friend. Let her find out on her own because otherwise she will just be angry and embarrassed if you tell her. She will always associate you with the affair because you knew about it. It's best to say nothing.

    A wise man once said that the real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

Dear Doctor Love,

I have been dating a woman for about two months now. She is a pretty

woman but she is quite a bit overweight. Her weight does not bother me at all and I never even thought about it when I first started seeing her. I am dating her because she is intelligent, well educated and she is an excellent companion. I thought it did not make any difference to her either because she never mentions her size at all. Although she does not make any comments about her own size she does not hesitate to mention the size of almost every other woman she sees. If she sees a woman who is the right weight for her height she points her out and talks about how she would look so much better if she had a little more meat on her bones. If she sees a woman who is thin, like a photographer's model she says that she looks really sick and unhealthy. She never says anything about a fat woman she sees unless she is fatter than her. Then she says that woman is overweight.

So far, this has caused me to start looking at other women differently and doing the same for the one I am with. She pointed out a few women that she thought were pretty, but too thin, and I noticed that these women would not be too thin for the foldout in Penthouse or Playboy. Then I started noticing that this woman I am dating is overweight. She is not grossly fat or anything like that but she is definitely more than just plump. If she was trying to make herself look good it has certainly backfired. Now, every time she says that a woman is sickly looking or too thin I know I am getting ready to see a good-looking woman.

What would make her act like this? Up until now I have been quite comfortable with her just the way she is.    /s/ The Boyfriend

Dear Boyfriend,

Your girlfriend has a real problem with her self-esteem. She is obviously very conscious that she is overweight and she probably thinks that you are conscious of it also. She seems to think that by pointing out flaws in other people it will make you think that she looks better. Her strategy obviously is having the reverse effect since you are looking at women more critically now and finding that some of them look pretty good.

The next time she points out some woman who is flawed by her standards and that you find attractive, why don't you tell her so? If you just agree with her she will think that her methods are working and will keep on doing it. After you disagree with her a few times and you are still around, perhaps she will realize that her weight does not bother you.

Dear Doctor Love,

I have friend that I am very worried about. She meets guys who are here on vacation and she spends the whole time that they are here with them. I have talked to her about how dangerous it is to have sex with a lot of different people. She says that she practices safe sex and she is not worried at all about any kind of disease.

I have tried to point out that it is morally wrong to sleep with so many men. She says that her morals are her business. She goes out to dinner with them and I don't think she has ever bought a drink for herself. She sort of lives with them for a week or so while they are here. I have tried to explain to her that what she does is almost like prostitution except that she doesn't get paid for it. All she gets is dinner and to me that just makes her a cheap prostitute. According to her, what she gets out of it is good company and a lot of sex. If they are not good company she will drop them and move on to another very quickly. The odd thing is, that once they are gone she never seems to think about them and she has nothing else to do with them. Sometimes they will call her from their homes and she usually just has me tell them that she is not here. Sometimes she will talk to them but she does not want to go visit them or see them, even when they offer to buy her a ticket. When I try to talk to her about how wrong this is, she just tells me it is her business and for me to mind my own. What should I do?

/s/ Concerned

Dear Concerned,

You should do exactly as she says. Mind your own business as long as it does not interfere with your life at home. It sounds like she is doing the same thing that hundreds of guys in this country do with tourist women. When they do it, it is known as hustling.What they do is acknowledged with a sort of a sly wink and a nod, almost of approval. Everyone knows it happens, even the wives of the hustlers who are married. The attitude seems to be that if these women are foolish enough to give themselves away, why shouldn't someone take advantage of it? The hustlers are usually after both money and sex. At least your friend only wants sex and company. Leave her alone.



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