Doctor Love

The Island Newspaper, Ambergris Caye, Belize            Vol. 13, No. 16            May 1, 2003

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Dr. Love is the island's and possibly the world's greatest authority on just about everything. The Doctor answers questions concerning any subject except religion or politics. Persons needing additional assistance or counseling should contact the Family Services Division at 227-7451.         

    You may write to the Doctor at P.O. Box 35, San Pedro Town, Belize, fax 226-2905 or E-mail at

Dear Dr. Love,

I would like to receive a driver's license as fast as possible. I will pay up to $200 if no test is required. If a test is needed, send a test. If not, give all the information needed to receive a driver's license. Hurry as fast as possible, time cannot wait.

If no way to receive driver's license through this contact, please send other ways. Please help me to find the fastest way to receive a driver's license.

Thank you,

/s/ Jerry D. Haase Jr.

Dear Mr. Haase,

Here is your test question: Do you have $200? __Yes __No

Answer this question correctly and you can have the Doctor's license. The Doctor will apply for a new one.

Please send your money order to Dr. Love care of this newspaper.

Oh, by the way, there is another way to get a driver's license. Don't tell anyone where you heard this though. There is a certain building you can go to downtown. It is called the town hall. Underneath that building is a little room with the words "Transportation" on the door. Knock on the door and tell them the Doctor sent you. They will give you some papers to fill out and they will want two photographs of you. Sometimes they even have a test that they will give you. Do everything they tell you to do. After they give you the license, then send $200 by money order to Dr. Love, care of this newspaper.

By the way, do you want to buy a swing bridge? The Doctor just happens to know where one is for sale. Cheap. How about a reef? Your own personal coral reef complete with fish, crustaceans and everything else that comes along with it.

Dear Dr. Love,

I have been going out with a woman for about two weeks now and everything is running smoothly. She is intelligent, kind, and our families are friends. There is one problem though. Don't take this as a joke because I am dead serious. Everywhere we go animals either attack us or run away.

She isn't cruel to animals at all, nor is she afraid of them. They are just terrified of her for some reason. We went to Shark Ray Alley and the sharks were almost jumping out of the water trying to attack her.

It can't be me because I have pets and when I am alone, animals treat me the same as any other person. I just don't know what to do. Could it be the perfume she wears? Does she give off pheromones that enrage animals? Please help me out. Thank you,

/s/ Why do animals attack and run away from my woman?

Dear Why,

The obvious answer is that it happens because animals are wary of other animals. Your girlfriend must be a real dog and she scares the other creatures. Check closely to make sure that necklace she wears is not really a flea collar. If it is, drop her.

  By the way, pheromones usually only work between members of the same species. Otherwise, every time you passed a dog in heat or a sow in rut you would start getting all excited and go chasing after her.

Write back when you have an interesting question.

Dear Doctor Love,

I am writing to you because I do not know who else to talk to about this. A friend of mine just got a new apartment and I went over to visit her. While we were looking around the apartment I happened to look out of her window into the yard next door. The house has a little apartment in the back and my father was coming out of the door of the apartment. A young lady came to the door and he turned and went back and hugged her before he left. He then walked two doors down to a bar where his golf cart was parked. He got in it and drove away.

I can't talk to my mother about this and I certainly would not tell any of my sisters. They would run straight to my mom. If I told my brother he would get angry and want to fight with my dad. I know it cannot stay a secret for long because sooner or later my friend is going to look out that same window and see my dad.

This is so embarrassing. The man is sixty-four years old and the lady is probably only in her late twenties. What should I do? Should I tell my mom? I don't think I can ever forgive my dad for this.

/s/ Worrried

Dear Worried,

Why not talk to your father about it? After all, so far, the whole thing is just between you and him, and it is only going to be between you two if you mention it to him. For all you know, this may even be something that your mother already knows about. It might even be a situation that is not quite as it appears on the surface.

It never occurs to children that their parents are human beings with all of the frailties and weaknesses of other human beings. We hear about these things happening in other families and we actually find it amusing. Yet, when that sixty-four year-old man turns out to be your father, it is not quite so funny.

The Doctor has a friend who is in her late sixties. When asked what she would do if she discovered that her husband had a young lover, she said that at his age, he deserves anything he can get for free.

Dear Dr. Love,

This is a serious problem here on the island. I have one question. Why is it that there are so many affairs? There are girls out there messing around with married men while their wives are at home; the same with the

women. To me it seems that life here on the island is like saying, "Who cares? I don't, do you? So!" Even the kids are out late at night. I am from the mainland and I have been here for five years now. When I go home, I can't even go out later than 12 midnight, and that is because I am 25 years old now. What is about keeping your family together? Save your children from teenage pregnancy, AIDS, STDs and worst of all drugs. I am not saying that I am a saint, but if I was married I would try my best to keep my family united. I mean, I am no one to blame other people, but hmmm- .What would happen if I ever messed with someone in a happy family and it ended that unity? What if I am sick and I transmit a sickness? That would be awful because I would never want that to happen to my family. So do you think its right to be against cheating?

/s/ Unsigned

Dear Unsigned,

Of course, according to the moral guidelines of our society it is right to be against cheating. The problem here is that our moral guidelines are made up of what is considered accepted behavior by the majority of the people. There are always going to be people who do not accept the standards of others.

Criminals fall into this class. They do not accept the legal standards that we have imposed. They operate outside of the law. When they are caught, they are punished legally.

Other people do not accept the social standards that we impose on ourselves. They operate outside of the standards and when they are caught they are punished with our disapproval. Some, who are caught by spouses, are punished physically or by divorce or separation. Churches also act as enforcers of social rules.

No matter how much veneer of civilization we, as humans, acquire, we are still animals under the skin. As animals, we are subject to desires and instincts that have been in place much longer than our social standards. Our basic instinct is to mate and that is a pure instinct that is unnatural to deny. With whom and where we mate is a matter of social standards. Looking at it logically, we would have to say that the social standards are unnatural; they are something we, as humans, have invented. Yet, this invention is an important one that distinguishes us from what we consider lower animal forms. Without it, humans would co-habit with whomever they pleased and whenever they pleased. It sounds like it might be fun, except that the social fabric of our society would disintegrate. Besides, we would never get anything else accomplished except mating.

By sticking to the standard of one partner, we reduce the risk of spreading disease and we reduce the incidence of violence in relationships. Probably most important is that one-partner relationships help to assure that there are always two people helping to raise our offspring. After all, our sole purpose for being placed here on earth is to produce and raise other human beings so the next generation can take our place. Single partner relationships are the accepted way of doing this in Western society.

O.K. Yes. It is right to be against cheating.

Dear Doctor Love,

When we arrived in Belize, my family spent three days in Belize City. We stayed in a hotel there and visited a number of tourist attractions that are within driving distance, such as the Belize Zoo and Lamanai. We found the canals in Belize City to be appalling. There are actually toilets that are built directly over some canals and a lot of them are obviously used to receive human waste. My husband is a city planner and he was appalled that such a primitive system is still in use in this hemisphere.

We were delighted to come to Ambergris Caye and the fresh, open air of the island. On our second day here I was dismayed to walk by the local elementary school and smell the odor of human waste. Upon investigation, my husband discovered the source of the smell to be a vent pipe. It turns out that there are three vent pipes at the schoolyard spewing bacteria and the odor of human waste into the school grounds. These vent pipes are attached to the sewer system.

How can you subject your children to this? This is criminal! It is bad enough that these vent pipes are located all over the island but to have them in the schoolyard is horrible. What kind of unknown diseases do your children contract that you probably attribute to something else?

We read the The San Pedro Sun on the Internet. If anything is ever done to change the sewer situation, please post in the paper. Otherwise, we do not plan to return.

/s/ Disenchanted in L.A.

Dear L.A.,

We are working on the problem. Our plan is to re-route all of the vent pipes to the homes of the people who approved the system and allowed it to be built like this. We want to run the vents into their kitchens.
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