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come on people....real life funny stories...jees louise..

go on then, toad. lay one on me, baby...

hold a minute, almost time

okay, well, once upon a time when i was about 10 years old, staying with my grandpa for about a month in the summer, my cousin and i went fishing with my grandpa, now he thought he was always kinda funny, in a cruel sorta way....before we had left to go he asked if we had everything we needed and we replied 'yeah, i guess', looking at each other like 'whatever'...thinking we'd just use his stuff like we always did...anyway, we were fishing and i got the call of nature and proceed to go ask him where the toilet paper was..he says 'go use some leaves'...(im sure you know where this is going now)...so i said 'fine', i'll do just that, thinking i'd be smart and independent....well, i happen to find the biggest leaves i could...in my part of the country that was a poisin oak leaf...needless to say my grandfather got to spend the rest of the summer doctoring my ass......with turpentine

my completely tasteless contribution for the day, but anything to get SweetJ to smile

Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror, complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling her it's not so, her husband uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and
rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."
Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts.
"How long will this take?" she asks.
"They'll grow larger over a period of years.", he replies.
The wife stops. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between
my breasts every day will make my breasts grow larger over the years?"
Without missing a beat the husband says "Worked for your butt" didn't it?"
He lived, and with a great deal of therapy, may even walk again.

that didn't make ya smile, did it? :rolleyes:

Hey Jane....email me at [email protected] the hotmail address....C...good to "see" you!!! :p

OK I'll through one into the hat. Long but worth it.

INEXPERIENCED CHILI TASTER
Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Tester Named TOM, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:
"Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last
moment and happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon, when the call
came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides,
they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, So I accepted."
Here are the scorecards from the event:
__________________________________________________________
CHILI # 1 MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
TOM: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to
put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
__________________________________________________________
CHILI # 2 ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
TOM: Keep this out of the reach of children I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave
off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the
look on my face.
__________________________________________________________
CHILI # 3 FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
TOM: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows
the routine by now; get me more beer before I ignite. The barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is
in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all the beer.
____________________________________________________________
CHILI # 4 BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
TOM: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it possible to burnout taste buds?
Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb.bitch is starting to look HOT just like this
nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?
_______________________________________________________
CHILI # 5 LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive!
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong
statement.
TOM: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four
people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given
me brain damage, Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if
I'm burning my lips off? It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those
rednecks!
________________________________________________________
CHILI # 6 VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb!
TOM: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm
worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally, she must be
kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!

___________________________________________________
CHILI # 7 SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should
take note that I am worried about Judge Number 3, He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
uncontrollably.
TOM: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost sight in one
eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of
my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what
killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air,
I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
____________________________________________________
CHILI # 8 LESTER'S LAST OF THE RED-HOT LOVER'S CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare it's
existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost
when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's
going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot chili.
_____________________________________________________

now i'm sorry i wasted my true story here

toad, yer right, SweetJ specifically said "not bad jokes tho", and I gave her one. Your true life tale gave me a great visual! It made me laugh, don't know about SweetJ...

Sharky...that was frikkin histerical...damn near spit my coffee out through my nose.

the jokes are funny. but true life is often funnier. i'd like to hear some real life ones, if ya got 'em. i know gay must be hiding one. what about our funniest experiences in AC?

they are taking my mind off the fact that i think i mis-placed $200 this week. where could i have put it? and how do i explain it? (right, gals. i just wont tell him!).