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Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it...don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. If you want to live longer, take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and veggies?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!. Foods are fried in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated with it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO.....Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember: "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Belikin in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming WOO HOO, What a Ride!"

This actually all makes sense to me. I am throwing away all my meds immediately.

Gotta love it, especially the last part.

Yeah, that diet and exercise stuff doesn't work anyway. I know, I tried it once for a whole day...

The only thing missing about the questions above is the all important:

Q: My skin is naturally fair and my eyes are blue. Is baking in the sun and turning my skin to a lovely shade of brown leather really bad for me, possibly even cancerous?

A: Not if you use coconut oil on your skin. Coconuts are veggies, right? And haven't we determined that veggies are good for us? And if your skin is like leather, that must be good too, right? Has anyone ever heard of a cow with skin cancer? Bake away!

Cocoa butter is good as well (another veggie)