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Bob,

My remote is broken,and there's football on Channel 4 that I'd like to watch?

Could you come by around 7.15 for beans and chow chow?

The game starts at 7.30

Now, that's a visual!

A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is
stumbling back and forth. A cop on the beat sees him and
approaches, "Can I help you Sir?"

"Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr", the man replies.

The cop asks, "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"

"It wasss on the end of thisshh key", the man replies.

About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's wiener
hanging out of his fly for all the world to see.

He asks the man, "Sir are you aware that you are exposing
yourself?"

Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and
without missing a beat, blurts out... "Holy shit! My girl-
friend's gone, too!"

Talking Clock


After closing time at the bar, a drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends. He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.

'What's that big brass gong?' one of the guests asked.
'It's not a gong. It's a talking clock,' the drunk replied.
'A talking clock? Seriously?' asked his astonished friend.
'Yup,' replied the drunk.
'How's it work?' the friend asked, squinting at it.

'Watch,' the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and stepped back.

The three stood looking at one another for a moment.......

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, 'You a**hole! It's three-fifteen in the morning!'

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person which almost went unnoticed last week.

Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote The Hokey Pokey died peacefully at age 93.

The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin.

They put his left leg in...............and then the trouble started.

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on
the bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function
and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello."

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes."

WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat.
It's only $1000. Is it ok if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new
2004 models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$60,000."

MAN: "Ok, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh and one more thing_the house we wanted last
year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."

WOMAN: "Ok. I'll see you later! I love you!"

MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."

The man hangs up The other men in the locker room are looking at him in
astonishment. Then he asks, "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

Choosing a wife


A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed!


The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.


Again, the man is impressed.


The third invests the money in the stock market.. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.


Obviously, the man was impressed.


The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.

Then he married the one with the biggest boobs.


Before the ladies say it I will: "Men are like that, you know."

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

HUSBAND DOWN

A Husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up
a Case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.

'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies.

'Put them back, we can't afford them, demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.

'Its my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price.'

Heard on the PA system:
'Cleanup needed on aisle 25, we have a husband down.ʼ

Baked Beans

So Jane was cooking up a big pot of her baked beans for the church potluck.

She stepped out of the kitchen for a moment and while she was gone, her son - Little Johnny - came running through the room, a BB gun in one hand and a box of BBs in the other. He tripped over the leg of a chair and, naturally, the box of BBs were accidentally dumped into the pot.

Little Johnny peered over the edge of the pot and watched the last of his BBs sink out of sight. Not wanting to risk a punishment, he quietly left the room and said nothing to anyone.

The potluck went well and Jane's baked beans were enjoyed by all, just as they normally were.

The next day, however, the church secretary placed a call to Jane.

"Jane, your baked beans were as good as always, but what did you put in them this time?"
"Nothing new," Jane replied. "Why do you ask?"
"Well, this morning I bent over to feed the cat and I shot the canary."

Old Nick Dobrankochuk gets his pilots license after several years of trying and has enuff coin save up in the meantime to buy a "great little plane" from the local shyster. Well on his first flight up at crusing altitude, the engine starts to backfiring, sputtering and showing signs of quitting. Old Nick gets on the radio and like he was trained in pilot school, says "MAYDAY MAYDAY MAYDAY, this is NY73447J. My engine has just died and I am in trouble". The radio operator responds...."Please give me your height and position." Old Nick says " Im 5 foot 9 inches and Im sitting in the cockpit."