AmbergrisCaye.com Home Forums Talk Belize Chat Area Smiles for the day

>>?
>> Investment tips for 2008 - For all of you with any money left, be aware
>> of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor
>> and make some BIG bucks.
>>
>> Watch for these consolidations in 2008.
>>
>> 1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W.
>> R.Grace Co. Will merge and become:
>> Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.
>>
>> 2. Polygram Records, Warner Bros. and Zesta Crackers join forces and
>> become:
>> Poly Warner Cracker.
>>
>> 3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and and become:
>> MMMGood.
>>
>> 4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will
>> merge and become:
>> ZipAudiDoDa.
>>
>> 5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become:
>> FedUP.
>>
>> 6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become:
>> Fairwell Honeychild.
>>
>> 7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become:
>> Poupon Pants.
>>
>> 8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become:
>> Knott NOW!
>>
>> And finally ..
>>
>> 9. Victoria 's Secret and Smith &Wesson will merge under the new name:
>> Titty Titty Bang Bang
>>
>>
>>
>>
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Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.
So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, 'Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy.'
The blind man replies, 'If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut up.

When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to him, And during her questions about his life , she asked him how he had sex?

'Tarzan not know sex' he replied. Jane explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said 'Oh,....Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree.'

Horrified Jane said, ' Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly.'

She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground. 'Here' she said,pointing to her privates, 'you must put it in here.'

Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood,stepped closer to her and kicked her in the crotch !

Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.

Eventually she managed to grasp for air and screamed ' What did you do that for !?!'

Tarzan replied, 'Check for squirrel.'

Quote for the day:

"Whatever you give a woman, she's going to multiply. If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby.

If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal.

If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.

So - if you give her any crap, you will receive a ton of sh!t."

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'

Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'

Harry: '9.'


Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'

Harry: '36.'

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.'

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions.'

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'

Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'

Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: 'Pockets.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'

Harry: 'Pants.'

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?'

Harry: 'Coconut.'

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'

Harry: 'Shake hands.'

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'

Harry: 'Firetruck.'

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, 'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.....'

Are you a Democrat, a Republican or a Redneck?

Here is a little test that will help you decide.
You are walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, an Islamic terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you.
You are carrying a Glock cal 40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.

What do you do?
Democrat's Answer -
Well that is not enough information to answer the question!
Does the man look poor or oppressed?
Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
Could we run away?
What does my wife think? What about the kids?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
What does the law say about this situation?
Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?
Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?
Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?
Should I call 9-1-1?
Why is this street so deserted?
We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this a happier, healthy street so that it would discourage such behavior.
This is all so confusing!
I need to discuss this with some friends over a latte and try to come to a consensus.

Republican's Answer -
BANG!

Redneck's Answer -
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click, Click, Click (Sounds of reloading!)

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click, Click, Click.

Daughter: "Nice Grouping Daddy! Were those Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow points?
Son: "You got him Pop! Can I shoot the next one?
Wife: "You are not taking that to the taxidermist!"

A SHORT LOVE STORY

A man and a woman who had never met before, and were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a Trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly. He in the upper bunk, and she in the lower.

At 1:00 a.m., the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea" replied the woman. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we are married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.

"Good" she replied, "Get your own damn blanket".

After a moment of silence, he farted.

The End.

That's our Billy - Mr. Romance!

Nova.. Pull my finger

One December day we found an old straggly cat at our door. She was a sorry sight. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny, and hair all matted down. We felt sorry for her. So we put her in a carrier and took her to the vet. We didn't know what to call her so we named her 'Pussycat.'

The vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said he would let us know when we could come and get her. My husband (the complainer) said, 'OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks.' He reminded the vet that it was his wife (me) who wanted the dirty cat, not him.

My husband and my vet don't see eye to eye. The vet calls my husband 'El-Cheap-O', and my husband calls the vet 'El-Charge-O'. They love to hate each other and constantly 'snipe' at one another, with my husband getting in the last word on this particular occasion.

The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, who is located in the same building, next door to the vet. The MD's waiting room and office was full of people waiting to see the doctor. A side door opened and the vet leaned in - he had obviously seen my husband arrive.

He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said: 'Your wife's pussy doesn't stink any more. 'We washed and shaved it, and now she smells like a rose. Oh, and, by the way, I think she's pregnant. God only knows who the father is!' Then he closed the door.
Now THAT, my friends, is getting even!!