AmbergrisCaye.com Home Forums Talk Belize Chat Area Smiles for the day

There are some absolute gems here, and they're all true:-
http://timesbusiness.typepad.com/money_weblog/2008/10/10-people-who-p.html

A DAMN FINE EXPLANATION=
The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.

And she was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'

And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love so at least I can tell you what happened.' 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'

And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.

I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.

So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.

Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight.

I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'

The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, 'Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?'

Australian environmental humor!!

The Front Fell Off!

KC I love that one. Politicians are the same around the world, They hit the nail on the old head with this routine.

Political Humor- don't shoot me!

One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their
fathers did for a living.

All the typical answers came up -- fireman, mechanic,
businessman, salesman, doctor, lawyer, and so forth.

However, little Justin was being un-characteristically quiet, so when
the teacher prodded him about his father, he replied, 'My
father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his
clothes in front of other men and they put money in his underwear. �

�Sometimes, if the offer is really good he will go home with some
guy and stay with him all night for money.'�

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set
the other children to work on some exercises and then took
little Justin aside to ask him, �Is that really true about your father?'�

'No,' the boy said, 'He works for the Democratic National
Committee and is helping to get Barack Obama to be our next
President, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the
other kids.'

This is an urgent warning...which is true and very important!!!
So therefore I'm sending it to you... as it is very important that you are aware of this.
Never
Never
Never
And I mean NEVER...



Fart in a dive suit!

========================

DO NOT SWALLOW YOUR CHEWING-GUM



See what happens?

While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75-year old Texas rancher whose hand was caught in a gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Sarah Palin and her bid to be a heartbeat away from being President.
The old rancher said, "Well, ya know, Palin is a post turtle." Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a post turtle was.
The old rancher said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post turtle."
The old rancher saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he continued to explain. "You know she didn't get up there by herself, she doesn't belong up there, she doesn't know what to do while she is up there, and you just wonder what kind of dumb ass put her up there in the first place."

NEW STOCK MARKET TERMS


CEO --Chief Embezzlement Officer.



CFO-- Corporate Fraud Officer.



BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.



BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.



VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.



P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.



BROKER -- What current conditions have made me.



STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.



STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock. (He hasn't got a prediction right yet, and says it's the companies who are at fault.)



STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.



FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.



MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.



CASH FLOW-- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.



YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.



WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.



INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.



PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use except by oil companies.

stolen from stoptheworld.com ...thanks KB
Dr. Seuss explains why computers sometimes crash
If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
and the bus is interrupted at a very last resort, and the access of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,
and your data is corrupted cause the index doesn't hash,
then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash!

If the label on the cable on the table at your house
says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
but your packets want to tunnel to another protocol,
that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall,
and your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,
so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse;
then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
'cuz sure as I'm a poet,
that sucker's gonna hang!

When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy in the disk,
and the macro code instructions cause unnecessary risk,
then you'll have to flash the memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM
then quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your Mom!

NOw, here is what life is REALLY all about. Check out the whole website.

http://www.heartattackgrill.com/