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I saw it coming and still LMAO!

Yesterday I was at my local Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, sheriff, the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's butt and a car hit us both.


I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

Wal-Mart won't let me shop there anymore.

Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.

Three
men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint
Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honor of
this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You
must each possess something that symbolizes
Christmas to get into heaven.'

The first
man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a
lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a
candle', he said.

'You may pass through
the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.


The second man reached into his pocket
and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and
said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said
'You may pass through the pearly
gates'.

The third man started searching
desperately through his pockets and
finally pulled out a pair of women's
panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with
a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what
do those symbolize?'


The man
replied, 'These are Carols.'

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

'Not a chance,' says the husband, 'It is 3:00 in the morning!' He slams the door and returns to bed.

'Who was that?' asked his wife.

'Just some drunken guy asking for a push,' he answers.

'Did you help him?' she asks.

'No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!'

'Well, you have a short memory,' says his wife. 'Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!'

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, 'Hello, are you still there?'

'Yes,' comes back the answer.

'Do you still need a push?' Calls out the husband.

'Yes, please!' comes the reply from the dark.

'Where are you?' asks the husband.

'Over here on the swing,' replied the drunk.

An armed and hooded robber bursts into the Bank of Ireland and forces
the tellers to load a sack full of cash.

On his way out the door with the loot, one brave Irish customer grabs
the hood and pulls it off revealing the robber's face. The robber shoots the
guy in the head without hesitation! He then looks around the bank to see if
anyone else has seen him.

One of the tellers is looking straight at him and the robber walks over
and calmly shoots him in the head also. Everyone by now is very scared and
looking down at the floor.


Did anyone else see my face?' calls the robber.


There are a few moments of silence, then one Irish gent, looking down,
tentatively raises his hand and says:



"I think me wife, over here, might have caught a glimpse....."

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday.

He pulls over to a Toy Shop, goes inside and asks the sales person,'How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?'
The sales person answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir?
We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95,Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95'.The amazed father asks: 'It 's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95and the others only $19.95?'The annoyed sales person rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers:'Sir ...., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat,Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made with Ken's balls.

One day as a woman walked by her kitchen she noticed her husband staring intently at their marriage license.

Four hours later she walks by the kitchen again and notices that he is still staring at his marriage license and asks "Honey what in the world are you looking for?"

"The expiration date" was his reply...

A lonely widow, age 70, decided that it was time to get married again.

She put an ad in the local paper that read:
HUSBAND WANTED:
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME & MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!!!!!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair.

He had no arms or legs.

The old woman said, 'You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you...you have no legs!'

The old man smiled, 'Therefore, I cannot run around on you!'

She snorted. 'You don't have any arms either!'

Again, the old man smiled, 'Therefore, I can never beat you!'

She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, 'Are you still good in bed???'

The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said,'Rang the doorbell didn't I?'

Had to share�����. 'tis the season!

Involuntary Muscular Contractions
A professor at the University of Michigan was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students.

Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly. He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, 'Do you know what your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'

She replied, 'Probably deer hunting with his buddies.'

It took 45minutes to restore order in the classroom.........

SUNDAY MORNING SEX

I will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling.

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old Grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, 'He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.'

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

'Oh no, my dear,' replied granny. 'Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong.'

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, 'He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along.