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That was passed around the office email. I feel the same as you do..cant watch or listen to that song without that image LOL

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry
has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.

For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest while he is on fire. No further studies are expected.

Three Hillbillies are sitting on a porch shootin' the breeze.
1st Hillbilly says: "My wife sure is stupid! She bought an air conditioner."
2nd Hillbilly says: "Why is that stupid?"
1st Hillbilly says: "We ain't got no 'lectricity!"
2nd Hillbilly says: "That's nothin'! My wife is so stupid, she bought one of them new fangled warshin' machines!"
1st Hillbilly says: "Why is that so stupid?"
2nd Hillbilly says: "'Cause we ain't got no plummin'!"
3rd Hillbilly says: "That ain't nuthin'! My wife is dumber than both yer wifes put together! I was going through her purse the other day lookin' fer some change, and I found 6 condoms in thar."
1st and 2nd Hillbillies say: "Well, what's so dumb about that?"
3rd Hillbilly says: "She ain't got no pecker."

Ya know, being fat for men does the same kinda thing it does for women being fat. For us ladies it makes us look like we have big boobies. For men it makes them look like they have big dic..........well you know.

Male Sensitivity Test (LADY'S STOP READING HERE)

1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:
A. Lovemaking.
B. Screwing.
C. Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town.

2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you have both shared:
A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.
B. Your blood-test results.
C. Five tequila slammers.

3. You time your orgasm so that:
A. Your partner climaxes first.
B. You both climax simultaneously.
C. You don't miss ESPN Sports Center.

4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
A. Healthy, creative love-play.
B. Not the sort of thing your wife would agree to.
C. Not the sort of thing your wife needs to ever find out about.

5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you have just had sex with is:
A. The best part of the experience.
B. The second best part of the experience.
C. $100 extra.

6. Your wife/girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last month. You tell her that it is:
A. Of no influence on your affectionate feelings for her.
B. Not a problem, she can join your gym.
C. A conservative estimate.

7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
A. A myth.
B. An oxymoron.
C. A moron.

8. Foreplay is to sex as:
A. An appetizer is to entree.
B. Primer is to paint.
C. A long line is to an amusement park ride.

9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?:
A. I hope we can still be friends.
B. I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep.
C. Welcome to Dumpsville. Population, YOU.

10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
A. Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy.
B. Is uptight and a waste of time.
C. Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.

Evaluating Results:

If you answered A more than 7 times,
check your pants to make sure you really ARE a man?
Get some of Jim Hake's "Man Pills"
If you answered B more than 7 times,
check into therapy. You're a little confused.
If you answered C more than 7 times, ----------YOU DA' MAN !

The Mustang Ranch and $850 billion bail-out.

Back in 1990, the Government seized the Mustang Ranch brothel in Nevada for tax evasion and, as required by law, tried to run it.


They failed and it closed. Now, we are trusting the economy of our country and $850 Billion Dollars to a pack of nit-wits who couldnt make money running a whore house and selling booze.

Now, if that doesnt make you nervous, what does ?

On the MONEY Ernie! That was the biggest joke in Nevada in the 80's.

Now the biggest joke in Nevada is Harry Reid

In these days of troubling news, financial disasters, suicides, murders, etc. - it is hard to find a laugh. I hope these give you a few smiles.



When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive....

So, I took her to a gas station.....

And then the fight started....

****

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said,"Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, saying, simply, "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And then the fight started....

********

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.

I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt".

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me"

And she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten Disability, too"

And then the fight started.....

****

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage ..

I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.

I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 30 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started ....

****

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?"

'Yes,' I sighed, 'she's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."

'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started.....


****

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."

He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

'Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started.....

****

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment."

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's darn near perfect."

And then the fight started.....

A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling back and forth.
A cop on the beat sees him and approaches,

'Can I help you Sir?'

'Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr', the man replies.

The cop asks, 'Where was your car the last time you saw it?'

'It wasss on the end of thisshh key', the man replies.

About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's wiener hanging out of his fly for all the world to see.

He asks the man, 'Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?'

Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without missing a beat, blurts out....

'Holy shit! My girlfriend's gone, too!!