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You WILL enjoy this and if you don't laugh out loud at some point you NEED a doctor!!!

1. A man comes into the ER and yells . . .'
My wife's going to have her baby in the cab.'
I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's
dress and began to take off her underwear.
Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - - -
and I was in the wrong one.

Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald,
San Francisco

2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly
and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.
'Big breaths,'. . ... I instructed...
'Yes, they used to be,'. . replied the patient.

Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes,
Seattle , WA


3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her
husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct.
Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the
family that he had died of a 'massive internal fart.'

Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg

4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist,
he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his
medications..
' Which one ?'. . ... I asked. 'The patch...
The Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running
out of places to put it !'
I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see.
Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!

Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new
one.

Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair,
Norfolk , VA

5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient,
I asked, 'How long have you been bedridden?'
After a look of complete confusion she answered . . ..
' Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive.'

Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson-
Corvallis , OR

6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking
up on a man I asked . . .' So how's your breakfast this morning?' 'It's very
good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste'.
. Bob replied.
I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet labeled
'KY Jelly.'

Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf,
Detroit ,

7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple
hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and
wearing strange clothing, entered . . . It was quickly determined that the
patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery..
When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed
that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it there was a tattoo that
read . . .
' Keep off the grass.'

Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the
patient's dressing, which said 'Sorry . . . had to mow the lawn.'

Submitted by RN no name

AND FINALLY!! ! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB.
I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams.....
To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling
softly.

The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out
laughing
and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said...
' I'm sorry.. Was I tickling you?'
She replied with tears running down her cheeks from laughing so hard . . ...

' No doctor but the song you were whistling was . . ..
' I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener.' '

Dr. wouldn't submit his name....

During a recent password audit at a large company, it was found that a
blonde receptionist was using the following password:

"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento"


When asked why she had such a long password, she said she was told that
it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one
capital...

Honey, Darling, Sweetheart.....


An elderly senior couple were invited to an old friend's home for dinner one evening.
She was impressed by the way her lady friend preceded every request to her husband with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.

The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love. While the husband was in the living room, her lady friend leaned over to her host to say, 'I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your husband all those loving pet names'.

The elderly lady hung her head. 'I have to tell you the truth,' she said, 'His name slipped my mind about 10 years ago, and I'm scared to death to ask the cranky old asshole what his name is'.

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.

He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:

- Knowing when to come in out of the rain;
- Why the early bird gets the worm;
- Life isn't always fair;
- And maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion..

Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement. Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust, by his wife, Discretion, by his daughter, Responsibility, and by his son, Reason.

He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, I Want It Now, Someone Else Is To Blame, and I'm A Victim

Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new Washington DC parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of air and to see the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.

He promptly called the US House of Representatives for assistance.

The conversation went like this: "Good morning. This is Speaker Pelosi.

How might I help you?"

"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St.Brigid's. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care of the matter?"

Speaker Pelosi, considering herself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, "Well now father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites!" There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.

Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, that's certainly true, but we are also obliged to first notify the next of kin."

Bottle of Wine

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly, neither of them is hurt. (God works in mysterious ways.)

After they crawl out from their cars, the man starts yelling about women drivers.

The woman says, 'So, you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, but just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should be friends and live in peace for the rest of our days.'

Flattered, the man replies, 'Oh yes, I agree completely, this must be a sign from God! But you're still at fault...women shouldn't be allowed to drive!'

The woman continues, 'And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished, but this bottle of wine I was bringing to a friend didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.' She hands the
bottle to the man.

The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, drinks half the bottle, and then hands it back to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle, puts the cap back on (evidently an inexpensive wine - no cork), and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, 'Aren't you having any?'

The woman replies, 'No. I think I'll just wait for the police...'

MORAL OF THE STORY:
Women are clever, evil bitches.
Don't mess with them.

On the subject of the length of passwords...

Letter to Bank


Shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by an 86 year old woman.
The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.




Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month.
By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, --- when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.


From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check,addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate. Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.
Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service.
As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further.
When you call me, press buttons as follows:

IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH

#1. To make an appointment to see me

#2. To query a missing payment.

#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.


#4 To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping

#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.

#6.. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home

#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.

#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.

#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.

#10. This is a second reminder to press* for English.
While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?
Your Humble Client

And remember: Don't make old People mad.
We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to [#%!] us off.

17 Ridiculous Laws Still On The Books In The U.S.

In Missouri, It is Illegal To Drive With An Uncaged Bear (Caged Bears Are OK)

In Maine, It's Illegal To Have Christmas Decorations Up After Jan. 14

In New Jersey, It is Illegal To Wear A Bulletproof Vest While Committing A Murder

In Nevada, It Is Illegal For A Man To Buy Drinks For More Than Three People At A Time

In Wisconsin, It Is Illegal To Serve Butter Substitues In State Prisons

In New Jersey, Once Convicted Of Drunk Driving You May Never Again Have Personalized Plates

In North Dakota, Beer And Pretzels Cannot Be Served At The Same Time In Any Bar Or Restaurant

In Alaska, Waking A Sleeping Bear For A Photo Opportunity Is Strictly Forbidden

In Connecticut, A Pickle Is Not Officially A Pickle Unless It Bounces

In South Carolina, You Must Be 18 Years Of Age To Play A Pinball Machine

In Michigan, Anyone Over Age 12 May Own A Hand Gun As Long As He/She Has Not Committed A Felony

In Idaho, It Is Illegal For A Man To Give His Sweetheart A Box Of Candy Weighing Less Than 50 lbs

In North Carolina, Bingo Games Can't Last More Than Five Hours

In Connecticut, It's Illegal To Walk Across A Street On Your Hands

In Louisiana, There Is A $500 Fine For Instructing A Pizza Delivery Man To Deliver Pizza To A Friend Unkowingly

In Ohio, It Is Illegal To Get A Fish Drunk

In Arizona, It's Illegal To Own More Than 2 Dildos

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/03/02/17-ridiculous-laws-still_n_481379.html#s71645

In Alaska, Waking A Sleeping Bear For A Photo Opportunity Is Strictly Forbidden

Not to mention stupid!