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"Elk Sex"

Two guys are drinking in a bar.

One says, "Did you know that elks have sex 10 to 15 times a night?"

"Aw crap..," says his friend, "and I just joined the Eagles"

French MEP Rachida Dati makes oral sex slip-up

France's ex-justice minister Rachida Dati mixed up the words "fellatio" and "inflation" - which sound similar in French - during a TV interview.

She told Canal Plus: "I see some [foreign investment funds] looking for returns of 20 or 25% at a time when fellatio is close to zero."

Within hours, the video was an internet hit on websites such as YouTube.

Ms Dati, now a Euro MP, later laughed off the whole episode saying she had spoken too quickly.

Ms Dati also said she was happy to have provided some entertainment.

The French word for fellatio is "fellation", which sounds similar to the word "inflation".

Ms Dati left the government last year amid criticism of her management style, and gossip about her clothes and love life.

She is now an MEP and serves as mayor of Paris's seventh arrondissement.

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the police officer's credibility .....

Q: 'Officer --- did you see my client fleeing the scene?'

A: 'No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.'

Q: 'Officer -- who provided this description?'

A: 'The officer who responded to the scene.'

Q: 'A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?'

A: 'Yes, sir. With my life.'

Q: 'With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?'

A: 'Yes sir, we do!'

Q: 'And do you have a locker in the room?'

A: 'Yes, sir, ... I do.'

Q: 'And do you have a lock on your locker?'

A: 'Yes, sir.'

Q: 'Now, ... why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?'

A: 'You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.'

The courtroom EXPLODED with laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's 'Best Comeback' line -- and we think he'll win.



Number 2:

Now We Know Why He Was a General -----



In an recent interview, General Norman Schwarzkopf was asked if he thought there was room for forgiveness toward the people who have harbored and abetted the terrorists who perpetrated the 9/11 attacks on America.

His answer was classic Schwarzkopf.

The General said, "I believe that forgiving them is God's function .... OUR job is to arrange the meeting."

You got to love them both!

Subject: Five Horses

This is mythical and deep.
Truly beautiful...

A man asked an American Indian what was his wife's name.

He replied, "She called Five Horses".

The man said, "That's an unusual name for your wife.

What does it mean?"

The Old Indian answered,
"It old Indian Name. It mean...




NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG!

During a visit to the retirement home, I asked the director, how do you determine whether or not a person should be institutionalized?"

'Well,' said the Director, ' we fill up a bathtub, and then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.'

'Oh, I understand,' I said. 'A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'

'No.' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?'

----- What Starts with F and ends with K












A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'


Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'msmarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'


Ms.. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.


While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and heagreed to take the test.


Principal:
'What is 3 x 3?'

Harry:
'9.'


Principal:
'What is6 x 6?'


Harry:
'36.'

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rdgrade'


Ms. Brooks says to the principal,'Let me ask him some questions..'

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'


Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'


Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'


The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!


Harry replied: 'Pockets.'


Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'


Harry:
'Pants..'


The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks:'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and adog does on three legs?'


Harry: 'Shake hands...'

The principal was trembling.


Ms.. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat andexcitement?'

Harry:
'Firetruck.'

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the
teacher,'Put Harry in the fifth-grade; I got the last seven questions wrong...'

From a Friend ........


ONE

Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you
could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets.

I asked for a half dozen nuggets.


'We don't have half dozen nuggets,' said the teenager at the counter.

'You don't?' I replied.

'We only have six, nine, or twelve,' was the reply.

'So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?'

'That's right.'

So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets
(Unbelievable but sadly true...)



TWO


I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady
behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those
'dividers' that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our
things so they wouldn't get mixed.

After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the
'divider', looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it.

Not finding the bar code, she said to me, 'Do you know how much this is?'

I said to her 'I've changed my mind; I don't think I'll buy that today.'

She said 'OK,' and I paid her for the things and left.

She had no clue to what had just happened.

THREE

A woman at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and
pulling it out very quickly.

When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the
Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the
ATM 'thingy.'
(keep shuddering!!)

FOUR

I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car.
'Do you need some help?' I asked.

She replied, 'I knew I! should have replaced the battery to this remote door
unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a
distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?'

'Hmmm, I don't know. Do you have an alarm, too?' I asked.

'No, just this remote thingy,' she answered, handing it and the car keys to
me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I
replied, 'Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries.
It's a long walk....'



FIVE

Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was
typing and turned to a secretary and said, 'I'm almost out of typing paper.
What do I do?' 'Just use paper from the photocopier', the secretary told
her. With that, the intern took
her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and
proceeded to make five 'blank' copies.

Brunette, by the way!!

Very cute Diane. Thanks for the chuckles.

Adults Only Plz

I wish http://foxnews.gr/wp-content/plugin.../videos/funny/2009/sprite_adv_fox365.flv



I'll Pull it if needed.
I see some have posted there views..

VT

OMG! HAHAHAHAHAHA