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A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy. He
thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from
New York and is certain that he has a better education then any cop from
San Marcos, TX . He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at
the Texas deputy's expense.**

The deputy says, 'License and registration, please.'

'What for?' says the
lawyer...

The deputy says, 'You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign.'

Then the lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was
coming.'

'You still didn't come to a complete stop, Says the deputy. License and
registration, please.'**
**
The lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'**

'The difference is you have to come to complete stop, that's the law.
License and registration, please!' the Deputy repeats..

Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between slow down
and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the
ticket... If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'

'That sounds fair. Please exit your vehicle, sir,' the deputy says.** **

At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating
the shit out of the lawyer and says, 'Do you want me to stop, or just
slow down?'** **

Cleaned

Cleaned

Paddy is driving along the M4 when he spots a delivery van broke down, so he decides to stop to see if he can help. The delivery driver says he has 6 monkeys in the back and he will give Paddy £100 if he takes them to Bristol Zoo, Paddy agrees, and off he goes. 2 hours later the delivery driver spots Paddy going in the opposite direction and he still has the 6 monkeys in the back, the delivery driver waves down Paddy and says I thought I told you to take them to the Zoo, Paddy says I did, but I still had £30 pound left so I'm taking them to the cinema now.

Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning, or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked!!!

Cleaned

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PARAPROSDOKIANS I had to look up "paraprosdokian" and found that many dictionaries do not include it. Here is the definition:
"Figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently used in a humorous situation."
"Where there's a will, I want to be in it," is a type of paraprosdokian.

Ok, so now enjoy!

1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

3. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

10. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.

12. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'

13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.

17. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

18. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

19. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

20. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

21. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

22. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

23. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

24. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

25. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine

26. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

27. A diplomat is someone who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you look forward to the trip.

28. Hospitality is making your guests feel at home even when you wish they were.

29. I always take life with a grain of salt. Plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.

30. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Brigade usually uses water.


Words of Wisdom

"The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."

todd1812,
Great Lines! I laughed so hard I had to get off this site and go back to work.

Just saw the neighbor's little kid trying to spray whipped cream on his pet cat. I'm thinking he overheard something last night he wasn't supposed to...