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Talk about perception and self aggrandizement. I'm smiling. Do you know the difference between smiling and pissing? If not, better look into some depends.

QED

Praying for Leroy




"Anyone with needs to be prayed over, come forward, to the front at the altar," the Preacher says.

Leroy gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks: "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you."

Leroy replies: "Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing." The preacher puts one finger in Leroy's ear, and he places the other hand on top of Leroy's head and prays and prays and prays, he prays a blue streak for Leroy.

After a few minutes, the Preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks,"Leroy, how is your hearing now?"

Leroy says, "I don't know, Reverend, it ain't til next Wednesday!"

The year is 1947

Some of you will recall that on July 8, 1947, a little over 62 years


ago, witnesses claim that an unidentified flying object (UFO) with five

aliens aboard crashed onto a sheep and mule ranch just outside Roswell,

New Mexico. This is a well known incident that many say has long been



covered up by the U.S.Air Force and other federal agencies and organizations.


However, what you may NOT know is that in the month of April, 1948, nine

months after that historic day, the following people were born:


Albert A. Gore, Jr..

Hillary Rodham

John F. Kerry

William J. Clinton

Howard Dean

Nancy Pelosi

Dianne Feinstein

Charles E. Schumer

Barbara Boxer


See what happens when aliens breed with sheep and jackasses?

Now that's funny.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v8zS7BhRsw4

sorry for u-tubin'

Let me say, this is not funny, but didn't know where to put it.


Two quotes to ponder

"Life's tough......it's even tougher if you're stupid." -- John Wayne





"We live in the greatest nation in the history of the world.
I hope you'll join with me as we try to change it." -- Barack Obama

FIRST DEGREE
A married couple was asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The very blonde wife picked up the phone, listened a moment, and said 'How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!' and hung up. The husband said, 'Who was that?'

The wife answered, 'I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.'

SECOND DEGREE
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, 'Hmm, this person looks familiar.'

The second blonde says, 'Here, let me see!'

So, the first blonde hands her the compact.

The second blonde looks in the mirror and says, 'You dummy, it's me!'

Two 90-year-old women, Linda and Barb had been friends
all of their lives.

When it was clear that Linda was dying,
Barb visited her every day.

One day Barb said, 'Linda, we both loved playing women's softball all our lives, and we played all through High School. Please do me one favor: when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's women's softball there.'

Linda looked up at Barb from her deathbed and said, 'Barb, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you.'

Shortly after that, Linda passed on..

A few nights later, Barb was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her,
'Barb, Barb.'

'Who is it?', asked Barb, sitting up suddenly. 'Who is it?'

'Barb -- it's me, Linda.'

'You're not Linda. Linda just died.'

'I'm telling you, it's me, Linda,' insisted the voice.

'Linda! Where are you?'

'In Heaven,' replied Linda.. 'I have some really good news and a little bad news.'

'Tell me the good news first,' said Barb.

'The good news,' Linda said, 'is that there's softball in Heaven. Better yet all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too.. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always springtime, and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired.'

'That's fantastic,' said Barb. 'It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?'

'You're pitching Tuesday..'

A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before theCongregation
and asked for a raise.
After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the
preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.

After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the
Congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the
Preacher's' expanding salary.

A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how
much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church, and
how much more it could potentially cost.

After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from
his chair and spoke, 'Children are a gift from God, and we will take
as many gifts as He gives us.
Silence fell on the congregation.

In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and
finally said in her frail voice,
'Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we
wear rubbers.'