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A Married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'

The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.

He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that You didn't put any money in the poor box!'

The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'

The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'

The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.'

The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'

The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'

The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'

A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're beautiful.' Then he fell asleep again.

His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're cute..' The wife was disappointed because instead of 'beautiful,' it was now 'cute.'

She asked, 'What happened to beautiful?'

The man replied, 'The drugs are wearing off.'

A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'

He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor!'

I was sitting on the porch with my wife and I said, "I love you."
She asks, "Is that you or the beer talking?"
I replied "It's me���.talking to the beer."

Three rednecks were working on top of a cell phone tower: Cooter, Ronnie,
and Donnie.

As they start their descent, Cooter slips, falls off the tower and is killed
instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Ronnie says, "Well, damn,
someone should go and tell his wife."

Donnie says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser.

Ronnie says, "Where did you get that beer, Donnie?"

"Cooter's wife gave it to me," Donnie replies.

"That's unbelievable; you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave
you a case of beer?"

"Well, not exactly," Donnie says. "When she answered the door, I said to
her, 'You must be Cooter's widow.' She said, 'You must be mistaken, I'm not
a widow.' Then I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are.'"

From my cousin...

Wonder what the probability of having 2 wrecks in 5 minutes is? :-/

Nothing bad. A lady and I backed into each other at the commissary. While we were exchanging insurance info, another guy backed into the front of our jeep. Luckily, no damage to the jeep; it's tough! Lol

that sux. glad it was just fender benders.

Red Light Distrect

Red Light District

Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's
morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business...

Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but
feared her enough to maintain their silence..
She made a mistake, however, when she accused Frank, a new member, of being
an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only
bar one afternoon ...

She emphatically told Frank (and several others)
that every one seeing it there WOULD KNOW WHAT HE WAS DOING !

Frank, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and
walked away he didn't explain, defend, or deny... He said nothing.

Later that evening,

Frank quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house ...
Walked home..... and left it there all night !!!