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And don't forget the one about....

A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?"
Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat."
"What's that mean?" asked the child .
"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."
The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block?
I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you."
Dad said, "Bring Belle over here."
He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it and said,
"Okay, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time around the block."
The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.
Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"
The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."

At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney, Ms. Lawcucui, attacked a witness. "Isn't it true," she bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?"

The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn't hear the question.

"Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" Lawcucui repeated.

The witness still did not respond.

Finally, Judge Denny leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question."

"Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought she was talking to you."

Oh yes, and this one....

THE SILENT TREATMENT


Bob and Joan were having some problems at home and
were giving each other the "silent treatment".
But then Bob realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00am for an early morning golf game. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and so to lose the"war"), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 am." The next morning, Bob woke up, only to discover
it was 9:00 am and that his friends had left for the golf course without him. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't awakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It's 5:00am. Wake up."

Good Morning!!!!

Cat Mot - It's not that I can't follow directions - it's that sometimes I just don't wanna Here ya go

A man walks into a San Pedro bar with his crocodile and asks the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?" "Sure do," replies the bartender.
"Good," says the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my crocodile."

And THAT's the rest of the story....

PIRATES

Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew were in
danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic, the
captain bellowed to his First Mate, "Bring me my red shirt!" The First Mate
quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, which the captain put on and
led the crew to battle the pirate boarding party.

Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled.

Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels
sending boarding parties. The crew cowered in fear, but the captain, calm as
ever bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!" And once again the battle was on.
However, the Captain and his crew repelled both boarding parties, though
this time more casualties occurred.

Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting the
day's occurrences when an ensign looked to the Captain and asked, "Sir, why
did you call for your red shirt before the battle?"

The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give,
exhorted, "If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the wound
and thus, you men will continue to fight unafraid."

The men sat in silence marveling at the courage of such a man. As dawn came
the next morning, the lookout screamed that there were pirate ships, 10 of
them, all with boarding parties on their way.

The men became silent and looked to the Captain, their leader, for his
usual command. The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my brown
pants!"

My neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian. He found the problem was hair in its ears and cleaned both ears and then the dog could hear fine. The vet told the lady if she wanted to keep this from recurring she should go to the store and get some 'Nair' hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month. The lady goes to the drug store and gets some "Nair" hair remover. At the register the druggist tells her "If you're going to use this under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days." The lady says "I'm not using it under my arms." The druggist says "If you're using it on your legs don't shave for a couple of days." The lady says "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer." The druggist says "Stay off your bicycle for a week."

Gotta'keep moving this thread back up to the top.

A Belizean scientist has invented a new type of bra that stops breasts from bobbing up and down and keeps nipples from sticking out in cold weather.

His workmates have kicked the bejeebers out of him.

*****

How do you know when you're staying in a San Pedro hotel?

When you call the front desk and say "I've gotta leak in my sink" and the person at the desk says "go ahead."

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the United States and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own.

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the "Three Kick Rule."

The lawyer asked, "What is the Three Kick Rule?" The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on, back and forth until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local
custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed
work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie. The lawyer summoned every
bit of his will and managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, now it's my turn."
[I love this part...]
The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door.

The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it is 3 o'clock in the morning and it is pouring out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife.

"Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us?

I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes" comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.