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Dear Santa,

I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door. Love,Susan

Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Two words, Jim Beam.
Santa (aka IM)

A man takes a balloon ride at a local country fair. A fierce wind suddenly kicks up, causing the balloon to violently leave the fair and carry its occupant out into the countryside. The man has no idea where he is, so he goes down to five meters above ground and asks a passing wanderer: "Excuse me, sir, can you tell me where I am?"

Eyeing the man in the balloon the passer-by says: "You are in a downed red balloon, five meters above ground."

The balloon's unhappy resident replied, "You must be an economist". How could you possible know that?" asked the passer-by. "Because your answer is technically correct but absolutely useless, and the fact is I am still lost".

"Then you must be in management", said the passer-by. "Thats right! How did you know?"
"You have such a good view from where you are, and yet you don't know where you are and you don't know where you are going. The fact is you are in the exact same position you were in before we met, but now your problem is somehow my fault!"

Feudalism: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

Socialism: You have two cows. State takes one and gives it to someone else.

Communism: You have two cows. State takes both of them and gives you as much milk as you need.

Bureaucratic Communism: You have two cows. State takes both of them and gives you as much milk as the regulations say you should need.

Bureaucracy: You have two cows. State regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. After that it takes both cows, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.

Fascism: You have two cows. State takes both of them and sells you milk.

Nazism: You have two cows. State takes both of them and shoots you.

Liberalism: You have two cows. State dosen't care whether you exist, let alone your cows.

Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

A priest is out fishing with a local fishing guide, suddenly a real big fish grabs the priests hook, he fights the monster for over an hour and finally gets it close to the boat. The guide looks down and exclaims "father that is one big son of a bitch fish". The priest scolds the guide saying that profanity should not be used in his presence. The guide tells him "no father that is the name of this particular kind of fish" to which the priest replies alright then gaff that big son of a bitch fish and get him in the boat. They land the big son of a bitch fish and the priest asks the guide what he should do with him. The guide answers that a big son of a bitch fish like this one is very good to eat and that he should indeed take the fish home. The priest arrived back at the rectory and was greeted by his house keeper, the house keeper asks him if he caught any fish and he replies that he caught one big son of a bitch fish, to which his house keeper gasps and says father such profanity coming from you is not usual. The priest then explains that the name of the fish is big son of a bitch fish to which the house keeper says oh ok then hand me that big son of a bitch fish and I will clean and cook it for dinner. As fate would have it the local Cardinal decided to drop in for dinner that night. The priest the house keeper and the Cardinal were sitting at the table and the Cardinal asks the priest what is for dinner. The priest pipes right up and says that he caught a big son of a bitch fish that day, then the house keeper pipes up and says that she cleaned and cooked the big son of a bitch fish they were about to eat. Well there was an awkward silence for half of a minute and slowly a smile crossed the face of the Cardinal as he said "you f_ckers are my kind of people"

A man, wearing only a bathrobe, bends over the Christmas tree to pick up a present.

His young son looks up the robe and asks, "Hey Dad! Who's getting the bagpipes?"

the pipes the pipes are calling youuuuuu!

Oh ,Danny Boy

{groan} Hi DB

A group of Americans was traveling by tour bus through Holland.

As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through a process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used.

She showed the group a lively hillside where many goats were grazing,.

These, she explained, were the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produced.

She then asked, "What do you do in America with your old goats?"

A spry old gentleman answered, "They send us on bus tours."