AmbergrisCaye.com Home Forums Talk Belize Chat Area NEWER BALDERDASH

I'm LMAO Law!!!! Or I'm at Crazy Canuk's after my 2nd bottle of white wine!

I know what you mean - I've had similar late night experiences at Casa Picasso!

SPORT QUOTES

Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I wan'all
dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the kids to
copulate me."

New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming
season: "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes
first."

And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skins say: "I'd run over my own
mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To
win,
I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."

Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John
Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings."

Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann, 1996 : "Nobody
in
football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman
Einstein."

Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh: "I'm going
to
graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." (now that is
beautiful)

Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up
alphabetically by height." And, "You guys pair up in groups of three,
then
line up in a circle."

Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter
Don King: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to
prison for three years, not Princeton " (This one is clever.)

Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a
color photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when I forget how
to
spell my name, I can still find my clothes."

Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of
heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in
the
morning regardless of what time it is."

Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to
Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's
expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an
aunt."
(I wonder if his IQ ever hit room temperature in January)

Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told him,
'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said,
"Coach, I
don't know and I don't care." ( My favorite)

Amarillo High School and Oiler coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob
Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips
responded:
"Because she is too ugly to kiss good-bye." (Dead man walkin' )

Eve's chat with God

"Lord, I have a problem."
"What's the problem, Eve?"
"I know that you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, as well as that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy."
"And why is that Eve?"
"Lord, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples."
"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."
"Man? What is that Lord?"
"A flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie,cheat and be vain; all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger, faster and will like to hunt and kill things. I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be as smart as you,so he will also need your advice to think properly."
"Sounds great," says Eve, with ironically raised eyebrows,"but what's the catch Lord?"
"Well . you can have him on one condition."
"And what's that Lord? "
"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant and self-admiring; so you'll have to let him believe that I made him first. And it will have to be our little secret ... you know, woman to woman."

Mom and her bible


Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers and prospered. Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who lived far away in another city.



The first said "I had a big house built for Mama."



The second said "I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the house."



The third said "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her".



The fourth said, "You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met this preacher who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took twenty preachers 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the church, but it was worth it. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."



The other brothers were impressed. After the holidays Mom sent out her Thank You notes.



She wrote:



"Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I



have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway.



"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home; I have my groceries



delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks.



"Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same.



Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you

bwaaaahhhhhhaaaaaaahhhaaaaa

That parrot had its wings clipped the hard way.

You Know It's Bad When...

Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.

You turn on the evening news and they are showing emergency routes out of the city.

Your twin sister forgets your birthday.

Your 4-year-old tells you that it's almost impossible to flush a grapefruit down the toilet.

You realize that you just sprayed spot remover under your arms instead of deodorant.

You discover that your 12-year-old's idea of humor is putting crazy glue in your Preparation H.

You start to put up the clothes you wore home from the party last night....... and there aren't any.

You wake up to the soothing sound of running water...and remember that you just bought a waterbed.

Everyone avoids you the morning after the company office party.

You wake up and your braces are stuck together.

You call your answering service and they tell you it's none of your business.

Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife/ex-husband.

Your income tax refund check bounces.

You put both contact lenses in the same eye.

You compliment the boss' wife on her unusual perfume and she isn't wearing any.

You call your wife and tell her that you would like to eat out tonight and when you get home there is a sandwich on the front porch.

The restaurant check has been on the table for ten minutes...and no one has touched it.

You go on your honeymoon to a remote little hotel and the desk clerk, bell hop, and manager have a "Welcome Back" party for your new spouse.

Airline food starts to taste good.

Your mother approves of the person you are dating.

Your doctor tells you that you are allergic to chocolate chip cookies.

You realize that you have memorized the back of your cereal box.

Your cat abandons the nice box you prepared for her and has her kittens in your dresser drawer.

Everyone loves your driver's license picture.

You realize that the phone number on the bathroom wall of the bar is yours.

Your kids start treating you the same way you treated your parents.

The health inspector condemns your office coffee maker.

You look out the window of the airplane and the B.F. Goodrich Blimp is gaining on you.

The gypsy fortune teller offers to refund your money.

You are pigging out at McDonald's by yourself and the manager orders the numbers on the sign outside changed.

Your new lover calls to tell you "Last night was terrific." and you remember that you were home by yourself.

Everyone is laughing but you.

A Washington, DC airport ticket agent offers some examples of why our country is in trouble. With leadership like this, no wonder!

I had a New York Senator ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up from being near the window.

I got a call from a candidate's staffer, who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the Passport information, when she interrupted me with, "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts." Without trying to make her look stupid, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa." Her response - click.

A senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me, I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state!"

I got a call from a lawmaker's wife who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." She said, "But they look so close on the Map."

An aide for a cabinet member once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time."

An Illinois Congresswoman called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 AM and got to Chicago at 8:33 AM. I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois,but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that.

A New York lawmaker called and asked, "Do airlines put your Physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the Airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that's very rude!" After putting her on hold for a minute while I looked into it (I was laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno, CA is (FAT: Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.

A Senator's aide called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California, and then take the train to Hawaii?"

I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them."

A lady Senator called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, Florida. Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?" I asked if she meant she had to fly to Pensacola, Fl. on a commuter plane. She said,"Yeah, whatever, Smarty!"

A senior Senator from Mass called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him that he needed a visa. "Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked and, sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!"

A New Mexico Congresswoman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York." I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes. What flights do you have?" replied the lady. After some searching, I came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Rhino anywhere." The lady retorted, "Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" The reply? "Whatever! I knew it was a big animal."

Snopes says these aren't true, but based on the present state of the current administration, I'm not convinced.

C'mon now Law, stupidity runs on both sides of the aisle. The scary thing is none of these quotes would surprise me, donkeys or elephant's. I would bet that this has been the case for 200+ years. What sort of statement is that on our current batch of politicians? And through it all we still live in the best country in the world. We will all never agree on what is the best way to move forward. My mother taught me to never to talk religion or politics in public but I guess sometimes I don't listen very well.
Just one man's opinion.