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Re: NEWER BALDERDASH #196893
08/23/06 07:18 AM
08/23/06 07:18 AM
Joined: Apr 2000
Posts: 4,268
Bellaire, Tx. and the World
Denny Shane Offline
.
Denny Shane  Offline
Rob, a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana performs underwater repairs on offshore Drilling rigs. Here is an e-mail from Rob to his sister reporting in...

Hi Sue, Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother.

Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all.

Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job.

As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wetsuit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater.

This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose.

Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints.. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wetsuit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.

Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my butt started to burn I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit.

Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it. However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my butt I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically.

Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression.

When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet. As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop for two days because my butt was swollen shut.

So, next time you're having a bad day at work...think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt. Now repeat to yourself, "I love my job, I love my job, I love my job."

Whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, "Is this a jellyfish bad day?" eek

Re: NEWER BALDERDASH #196894
08/25/06 08:06 AM
08/25/06 08:06 AM
Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 3,677
Maple Grove, MN USA
Bobber Offline
.
Bobber  Offline
Ever wondered what happens when Hallmark writers are having a bad day........


////////////////////////////////////////////////////
My tire was thumping.

I thought it was flat

When I looked at the tire...

I noticed your cat.

Sorry!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Heard your wife left you,

How upset you must be.

But don't fret about it...

She moved in with me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Looking back over the years

that we've been together,

I can't help but wonder...

"What the hell was I thinking?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Congratulations on your wedding day!

Too bad no one likes your husband.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How could two people as beautiful as you

Have such an ugly baby?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I've always wanted to have

someone to hold,

someone to love.

After having met you ..

I've changed my mind.

-------------------------------------- -----------------------
I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.

I never believed in Hell until I met you.

--------------------------------------------------
As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...

That you're not here to ruin it for me.


################################
Congratulations on your promotion.

Before you go...

Would you like to take this knife out of my back?

You'll probably need it again.



************************************************
Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!

(Available only in Tennessee , Kentucky & West Virginia )



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Happy birthday! You look great for your age.

Almost Lifelike!



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When we were together,

you always said you'd die for me.

Now that we've broken up,

I think it's time you kept your promise.

----------------------------------------------------

We have been friends for a very long time ..

let's say we stop?


+++++++++++++++++++++++++
I'm so miserable without you

it's almost like you're here.



==============================
Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.

Did you ever find out who the father was?



%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
Your friends and I wanted to do

something special for your birthday.

So we're having you put to sleep.


Been there, done that, the washing machine ate the T-shirt
Re: NEWER BALDERDASH #196895
08/25/06 10:11 AM
08/25/06 10:11 AM
Joined: Nov 2001
Posts: 2,364
LAPORTE, TX, USA
GAY AND DAVID Offline OP
.
GAY AND DAVID  Offline OP
One-wish Genie

A woman rubbed a bottle and out popped a genie. The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes.

The genie said, "Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I'm a one-wish genie. So...What'll it be?"

The woman did not hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony."

The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady, please be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years. I'm good but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable."

The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know - one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is great in bed and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That is what I wish for...........a good man."

The genie let out a sigh and said, "Let me see the freaking map again."

Re: NEWER BALDERDASH #196896
08/27/06 03:02 PM
08/27/06 03:02 PM
Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 245
USA/AZ
D
DB Offline
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DB  Offline
D
Regardless of your position on the conflict in the middle east, you have to admit this is worth a chuckle or two..............

Redneck Special Forces

The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 500-man elite
fighting unit called the United States Redneck Special Forces. Thes=
Alabama, Arkansas, Georgia, Kentucky, Mississippi, Missouri, Oklahoma, Tennessee and Texas boys will be dropped off into Iraq and have been gi=en only the following facts about terrorists:

1. The season opened today.
2. There is no limit.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. Th=y don't like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus.
5. They are DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for the death of Dale Earnhardt.
6. Their favorite movie is "BROKE BACK MOUNTAIN."

We expect the problem in Iraq to be over by Friday.

eek

Re: NEWER BALDERDASH #196897
08/27/06 03:51 PM
08/27/06 03:51 PM
Joined: Sep 2002
Posts: 10,850
Beautiful San Marcos, Texas
E
Ernie B Offline
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Ernie B  Offline
E
I'll drink to that :rolleyes:


Gun Control is Hitting Your Target.
Re: NEWER BALDERDASH #196898
08/28/06 04:55 AM
08/28/06 04:55 AM
Joined: Apr 2000
Posts: 4,268
Bellaire, Tx. and the World
Denny Shane Offline
.
Denny Shane  Offline
oh geez... that had me laughing so hard I had to run to the bathroom. eek

Re: NEWER BALDERDASH #196899
08/28/06 07:15 AM
08/28/06 07:15 AM
Joined: Jun 2004
Posts: 1,337
HOUSTON TX
MALIBU Offline
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MALIBU  Offline
A six-year-old boy told his father he wanted to marry the little girl across the street. The father, being modern and well-schooled in handling children, hid his smile behind his hand.
"That's a serious step," he said. "Have you thought it out completely?"
"Yes," his young son answered. "We can spend one week in my room and the next in hers. It's right across the street, so I can run home if I get scared of the dark."
"How about transportation?" the father asked. "I have my wagon, and we both have our tricycles," the little boy answered. The boy had an answer to every question the father raised. Finally, in exasperation, his dad asked, "What about babies? When you're married, you're liable to have babies, you know." "We've thought about that, too," the little boy replied. "We're not going to have babies. Every time she lays an egg, I'm going to step on it!"

Re: NEWER BALDERDASH #196900
08/28/06 02:05 PM
08/28/06 02:05 PM
Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 245
USA/AZ
D
DB Offline
.
DB  Offline
D
Denny, love the diver story! Too funny, but yet a reality check as well. eek

Re: NEWER BALDERDASH #196901
08/28/06 03:31 PM
08/28/06 03:31 PM
Joined: Nov 2001
Posts: 2,364
LAPORTE, TX, USA
GAY AND DAVID Offline OP
.
GAY AND DAVID  Offline OP
WHEN I READ THIS, I CAN ONLY THINK OF PETER &/OR A SMALL GREEN LIZARD PUSHING CHEAP CAR INSURANCE!

A Message from John Cleese to the citizens of the United States of=20
America :=20


In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA=20
and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation

of your independence, effective immediately.=20

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical=20
duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (excepting
Kansas, =20
which she does not fancy).=20

Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for=20
Americawithout the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate=20
will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to
determine =20
whether any of you noticed.=20

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the=20
following rules are introduced with immediate effect:=20

1 You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English=20
Dictionary. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation
guide. =20
You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.=20

2 The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and=20
'neighbour'. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without=20
skipping half the letters, and the suffix "ize" will be replaced=20
by the suffix "ise".=20

3 Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to=20
acceptable levels, (look up vocabulary).=20

4 Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler=20
noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient

form of communication.=20

5 There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know=20
on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take=20
account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "ize".=20

6 You will relearn your original national anthem, God Save the=20
Queen. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.=20

7 You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,=20
lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and=20
therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent.=20

8 Guns should only be handled by adults If you're not adult=20
enough to sort things out without suing someone, or speaking to a
therapist=20
then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.=20

9 Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry=20
anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be
required =20
if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.=20

10 All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is=20
for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand =20
what we mean.=20

11 All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you =20
will start driving on the left with immediate effect.=20

12 At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and=20
without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and=20
metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.=20

13 The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have =20
been calling gasoline)-roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.=20

14 You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call=20
French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling

potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick=20
cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with
vinegar.=20

15 The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not=20
actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be=20
referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted
provenance=20
will be referred to as Lager. American brands will be referred to as =20
Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of
further=20
confusion.=20

16 Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors=20
as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors=20
to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English=20
dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to
having =20
one's ears removed with a cheese grater.=20

17 You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind =20
of proper football; you call it soccer.Those of you brave enough will,=20
in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to=20
American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every
twenty =20
seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).=20

18 Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable=20
to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not=20
played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there
is=20
world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.=20

19 You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.=20

An internal revenue agent (i.e.tax collector) from Her Majesty's=20
Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of=20
all monies due (backdated to 1776).=20
=20

Re: NEWER BALDERDASH #196902
08/29/06 07:38 AM
08/29/06 07:38 AM
Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 2,200
Texas
divingcowgirl Offline
.
divingcowgirl  Offline
Hahahahahahahahaha! laugh
That's good!


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