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A woman in her fifties is at home, happily jumping unclothed on her bed and squealing with delight.

Her husband watches her for a while and asks, "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?"

The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don't care what you think. I just came back from having a mammogram and the doctor said not only am I healthy, but also I have the breasts of an 18-year-old."

The husband then asks, "Oh, yeah, and what did he say about your 52-year-old backside?"

"Oh," she replied. "He never mentioned you."

Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would indentify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc. The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their "tourist" garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a "drop dead gorgeous" topless blonde in a thong bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare. As the blonde passed them she smiled and said "Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father," nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by.
They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests? One of the priests couldn't stand it and called after her, "Just a minute, young lady."
"Yes, Father?"
"We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did you know we are priests, dressed as we are?"
She replied, "Father, it's me, Sister Kathleen."

FORREST GUMP GOES TO HEAVEN

The day finally arrived. Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at the
Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed, and
Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.

St. Peter said, "Well, Forrest, it is certainly good to see you. We have
heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling
up fast, and we have been administering an entrance examination for
everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get
into Heaven."

Forrest responds, "It sure is good to be here, St. Peter, sir. But nobody
ever told me about any entrance exam. I sure hope that the test ain't too
hard. Life was a big enough test as it was."

St. Peter continued, "Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three
questions.

First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T?
Second: How many seconds are there in a year?
Third: What is God's first name?"

Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and
sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and says, "Now that you have had a chance
to think the questions over, tell me your answers."

Forrest replied, "Well, the first one -- which two days in the week begins
with the letter "T"? Shucks, that one is easy. That would be Today and
Tomorrow."

The Saint's eyes opened wide and he exclaimed, "Forrest, that is not what I
was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I
will give you credit for that answer. How about the next one?" asked St.
Peter.

"How many seconds in a year? Now that one is harder," replied Forrest, but
I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve."

Astounded, St. Peter said, "Twelve? Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's name
could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"

Forrest replied, "Shucks, there's got to be twelve: January 2nd, February
2nd, March 2nd... "

"Hold it," interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you are going with this, and
I see your point, though that was not quite what I had in mind....but I
will have to give you credit for that one, too. Let us go on with the third
and final question. Can you tell me God's first name"?

"Sure," Forrest replied, "it's Andy."

"Andy?" exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St Peter.

"Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two
questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as
the first name of God?"

"Shucks, that was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied. "I learnt it
from the song, "ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM
HIS OWN."

St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates, and said: "Run Forrest, run."

At least there are "some" good political ads out.

[img]http://static.flickr.com/101/278621185_7ad0dea85a.jpg?v=0[/img]

NPR Incident..

Marine Corps General Reinwald was interviewed on the radio the other day and you'll love his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children. Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you gotta love this!!!! This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster and US Marine Corps General Reinwald who was about to
sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL REINWALD: Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?

The radio went silent and the interview ended.

You gotta love the
Marines!

AMERICA, THE HOME OF THE FREE BECAUSE OF THE BRAVE

Kinda funny story, but completely false:

http://www.snopes.com/military/reinwald.htm

A lobbyist, on his way home from work in Washington, D.C., came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, "Wow, this seems worse than usual."

He noticed a police officer walking between the lines of stopped cars, so he rolled down his window and asked the officer what was causing the holdup.

The officer replied, "The President is depressed, so he stopped his motorcade and is threatening to douse himself in gasoline and set himself on fire. He says no one believes his stories about why we went to war in Iraq, or the connection between Saddam and al-Qa'ida, or that his tax cuts will help anyone except his wealthy friends; the press called him on the lie about Iraq trying to buy uranium from Niger, and now Campbell Brown is threatening to sue him for a sexual innuendo he made at a recent press conference. So we're taking up a collection for him."

The lobbyist asked, "How much have you gotten so far?"

The officer replied, "About 14 gallons, but a lot of folks are still siphoning."

HaHa

In his legal practice, Abraham Lincoln was never greedy for fees and discouraged unnecessary litigation. A man came to him in a passion, asking him to bring a suit for $2.50 against an impoverished debtor. Lincoln tried to dissuade him, but the man was determined upon revenge. When he say that the creditor was not to be put off, Lincoln asked for and got $10 as his legal fee. He gave half of this to the defendant, who thereupon willingly confessed to the debt and paid up the $2.50, thus settling the matter to the entire satisfaction of the irate plaintiff.

France Elevates its Security Level

As many are aware, the French government recently announced a
raise in its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The normal
level is "General Arrogance", and the only two higher levels in
France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate". The rise was
precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag
factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.

It's not only the French that are on a heightened level of alert:
Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and
excitedly" to "Elaborate military posturing". Two more levels
remain, "Ineffective combat operations" and "Change sides".

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdain" to
"Dress in uniform and sing marching songs". They have two higher
levels: "Invade a neighbour" and "Lose".

Seeing this reaction in continental Europe the Americans have
gone from "Isolationism" to "Find another oil-rich nation for
regime change". Their remaining higher alert states are "Attack
random countries (ideally those without any credible military)"
and "Beg the British for help".

The British are also feeling the pinch in relation to recent
bombings and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to
"Peeved". Soon though, security levels may be raised yet again
to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross". Londoners have not been
"A Bit Cross" since the Blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but
ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome"
to "Bloody Nuisance". The last time the British issued a "Bloody
Nuisance" warning level was during the Great Fire of 1666.