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AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES


1. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

2. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

3. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

4. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.

5. For high blood pressure sufferers, simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

6. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the toothache.
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Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are: You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.
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Remember:
* Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
* Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.
* If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get another chance.

And finally, be really nice to your family and friends; you never know when you might need them to empty your bedpan.

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, "Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter".

Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but that
Helicopter ride is fifty dollars -- and fifty dollars is fifty dollars".

The following year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, "Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance." Esther replied, "Morris that helicopter is fifty dollars -- and fifty dollars is fifty dollars".

The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and Not say a word I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's fifty dollars." Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.

When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"

Morris replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know --fifty dollars is fifty dollars."

A blonde's car gets a flat tire on the Interstate one day. So she eases it
over onto the shoulder of the road.
She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk. Takes out two
cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the rear of the vehicle
facing oncoming traffic. The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats
exposing their nude bodies to approaching drivers...
Not surprisingly, the traffic became snarled and backed up.
It wasn't very long before a police car arrives.
The Officer, clearly enraged, approaches the blonde of the disabled vehicle
yelling, "What is going on here?"
"My car broke down, Officer" says the woman, calmly.
"Well, what the hell are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by the
road?!" asks the Officer...
"Oh, those are my emergency flashers!" she replied.

AAWWWWWWWW, NOOOOOO : )

LOL

BEST LAWYER STORY OF THE YEAR, DECADE AND PROBABLY THE
CENTURY.

Charlotte, North Carolina.

A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars,
then insured them against, among other things, fire.

Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these
great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on
the policy the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance
company.

In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a
series of small fires."

The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious
reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.
The lawyer sued and WON!

Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance
company that the claim was frivolous.
The judge stated nevertheless, that the
lawyer held a policy from the company, which it had warranted
that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would
insure them against fire, without defining what is
considered to be unacceptable "fire" and was obligated to
ay the claim.

Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the
insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the
lawyer for his loss of the cigars lost in the "fires".

NOW FOR THE BEST PART..

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had
him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!

With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous
case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally
burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months
in jail and a $24,000 fine.

This is a true story and was the First Place winner in the
recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.

Cute, but not true (wish I had a Belikin for everytime I saw this)

http://www.snopes.com/crime/clever/cigarson.asp

The Man Who Insured his Rare Cigars, Smoked Them All, Then Collected on the insurance - Fiction!

Summary of eRumor:
A man bought a box of rare, expensive cigars, then took out fire insurances on them. When he had finished smoking them, he filed a claim against the insurance company. The company turned down his claim, but he filed a lawsuit and won, getting $15,000 from the insurance company.

The Truth:
A little too slick to be true, and it isn't. No evidence of this case has ever been found and it has been around as an urban legend since at least 1968 when we first ran across it and researched it.

...according to truthorfiction.com