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Oh Papa, I remember that joke and haven't heard it for ages!

What do you call 10,000 lawyers chained together at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start.

A guy goes into a restaurant/lounge wearing a shirt open at the collar and is met by a bouncer who tells him he must wear a necktie to gain admission.

So the guy goes out to his car and he looks around for a necktie and discovers that he just doesn't have one. He sees a set of jumper cables in his trunk. In desperation he ties these around his neck, manages to fashion a fairly acceptable looking knot and lets the ends dangle free.

He goes back to the restaurant and the bouncer carefully looks him over for a few minutes and then says, "Well, okay, I guess you can come in. Just don't start anything.

SUNDAY MORNING SEX

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Susan went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, he had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Susan told her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realising our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding, and out on the Dong."

She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "and if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!

Two antennae got married. The wedding was terrible but the reception was great !!

A man walked into a pet store and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there, a chief master sargent from the local air base walked in and said to the shopkeeper, "I'll take a maintenance monkey, please."
The man nodded, went to a cage at the side of the store and took out a monkey. He put a collar and leash on the animal and handed it to the CMSgt, saying, "That'll be 5000 dollars." The sarge paid and left with the monkey.
Surprised, the man went to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did that one cost so much?"
The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, thats a maintenance monkey. He can rig aircraft flight controls, score 95 on the AF CDC test, perform the duties of any MX officer with no back talk or complaints. It's well worth the money.
The man spotted a monkey in another cage. "That one's even more expensive, $10,000! what does it do?"
"Oh, that one is a maintenance supervisor monkey! It can instruct at all levels of maintenance, supervise maintenance at the unit, intermediate, and depot level, and even do most of the paperwork. A very useful monkey indeed, replied the shopkeeper.
The man looked around a little longer and found a third monkey in a cage. The price tag read, $50,000. The shocked customer exclaimed , " That one costs more then the others put together! What in the world does it do?"
Well, I've never actually seen him do anything but drink beer and play with his pecker, but his papers say he is a Pilot!

That's the WINNER!!!!

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

Lady 1: "What's that?"

Lady 2: "A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet."

Lady 1: "Where did you get it?"

Lady 2: "You can get them at any drugstore."

The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years old), but very delicately asks what brand she prefers.

"Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel."

The pharmacist fainted

One day Pinocchio came to Gepetto with a problem. "Every time I have sex with my girlfriend, she gets splinters. What can I do about this?"

"Have you tried sandpaper?" Pinocchio hadn't, so he went to try it.

"Pinnochio," said Gepetto a few weeks later. "How is the problem work out with your
"Girlfriend?" said Pinnochio. "Who needs a girlfriend when you have sandpaper?"

There was a mamma mole,
a papa mole, and a baby mole.
They lived in a hole outside
of a farm house out in the
country.

The papa mole reached his head
out of the hole and said,
"Mmmmm, I smell sausage."

The mama mole reached her head
outside of the hole and said
"Mmmmmm, I smell pancakes."

The baby mole tried to reach
his head outside the hole but
couldn't because of the two
bigger moles.
The baby mole said, "The only
thing I can smell is molasses."
(mole asses)

Jesse thanks for sharing this oldie but goodie.
Tell the truth, didn't you first hear this at 10 yrs of age? I did.