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Little Harry

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms.. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9".

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36".

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

(The principal wondered, why would she ask such a question)!

Harry replied: "Pockets."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Harry: "Pants"

(The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open).

Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"

(The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer).

Harry: "Bubble gum"

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"

Harry: "Shake hands."

(The principal was trembling).

Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"

Harry: "Firetruck"

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last six questions wrong......

A cowboy walks into a bar in Texas, orders three mugs of beer and sits in the back room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.

When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells him, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it so it would taste better if you bought just one at a time."

The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Australia, the other is in Dublin and I'm in Texas. When we all left Wyoming, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we were together. So I drink one for each of my brothers and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom and leaves it there. The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and orders only two mugs!

All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains...

"It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and obviously I had to quit drinking.

Hasn't affected my brothers though."

That's a hoot.........LMAO

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door....The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push..."Not a chance," says the husband, "it is three o'clock in the morning..He slams the door and returns to bed.

Who was that?" asked his wife..."Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers..."did you help him?" she asks..."No i did not...it is three o'clock in the morning and it is pouring rain outside!!!."

His wife said, "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The mand does as he is told (yeah!), gets dressed and goes out into the pouring rain...He calls out into the dark, "Hello! Are you still there?"..."Yes," comes back the answer..."Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband......."Yes please!" comes the reply from the darkness.

"Where are you?" asks the husband......

"Over here on the swing!!!" replies the drunk.

Luigi the Italian, Patrick the Irishman and Gord the Canadian are sitting in BC's bar debating which is the best bar they have ever been in. Luigi says "Callucia's in Rome is the greatest bar in the world...with every glass of wine you get a free bowl of pasta!" Patrick and Gord both agree that's not such a bad sounding place. But Patrick insists that O'Malley's in Dublin is the best pub in the world. "You get a free pint of Guiness and corned beef and cabbage every Sunday night!" states Patrick. Both Gord and Luigi nod in approval. After a sip of one barrel and coke Gord remembers the best bar in Canada. "Moose's in Saskatoon is a great place to drink...you get lot's of free beer every night AND after that you get to go in the back room and have ALL the SEX you want!" Patrick and Luigi both looked at him in amazement. "This has happened to you before?" they asked. "Me...Oh no, but it happens to my sister every Saturday night!"

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. It was a pretty busy day and St. Peter told the first guy that heaven was getting full and he was only going to admit those people who had a particularly horrible death. So whats your story?
So the first man replies that for some time he had suspected his wife of cheating on him, so I came home early from work to try to catch her red handed. As I came into the 25thfloor apt I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went outside to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this guy hanging off the railing, 25 floors above the ground! By now I was real mad, so I started beating on him and kicking his hands, and wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into the apt and got a hammer and started hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand it for long, so he let go and fell--but even after 25 floors, he fell into some bushes and was only stunned. I couldn't stand it any more, so I grabbed our fridge and dropped it over the edge where it landed on him killing him instantly.. But all the stress gave me a heart attack and I died on the balcony.
St Peter saod that sounds like a pretty bad day to me, and let the man in.
The second man comes up, and St Peter explains the situation to him and asks for his story.
Its been a very strange day. You see I live on the 26th floor and every am I excercise on my balcony. Well this am I must have slipped or something, because I fell over my railing but managed to grab onto the rail of the apt below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for long, when this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought I was saved, but then he started beating and kicking me. I managed to hang on then he came out with a hammer and started beating my fingers, finally I had to let go, but got lucky and fell into some bushes which broke my fall. Just when I thought I would be ok this fridge comes hurtling out of the sky and crushes me to death.
Once again St Peter had to concede that the man had a terrible death and admitted him as well.
The third man came to the front of the line, and again the process for admission was explained, and St Peter asked him his story.
"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside this refrigerater...

My goodness the laughs just keep on coming! Thanks.. love..

Okay, I hope I did not hear (read) this joke on THIS message board.

An elderly man is sitting on a park bench weeping. I stopped to see if I could help.
"What's wrong?" I asked.

"Well," said the gentleman, "I'm 86 years old and I just got married last week."

"And that is why you are crying?" I asked.

"No no, she's a lovely bride, 29 years old. She has the most beautiful breasts, a great body and she loves to have sex," he said. "Plus she is a terrific cook, and a millionairess to boot."

"So why are you crying?" I asked again.

"I can't remember where we live," he moaned.

A young boy walks into a pharmacy and asks to see a male pharmasist urgently.
"What can i do for you son?" asks the pharmacist.
"Well you see sir, my girlfriend and i made a deal that if i meet her parents, she will have sex with me, and obviously, i agreed. The problem is however, i am a virgin, and i know nothing about sex, but i do not want to seem inexperienced, can you coach me please?"
The pharmacist then gives the young boy the 411 on sex, from the use of protection to having and giving an orgasm. After their talk, the pharmacist introduced the boy to the latex condom, explaining to him that it would give both him and his girlfriend great pleasure, yet great protection. He then asks the boy,
"So, how much would you like, the 3 pak, 5 pak, or the family pak?"
Smiling from ears corner to ears corner, the boy replies,
"The family pak please!"
The pharmacist then replies,
"Why so much my son?"
"Because sir, i know after we do this thing once, we will not get enough of it and will want to do it over and over!"
The young boy then thanks the pharmacist for his help and leaves the store.
Later that evening, the boy gets ready, and stores the condoms in his poket. On the way to his girlfriends house, he practices how to greet the parents in the most innocent way, to appear like a nice guy. Soon he reaches the front door, and his girlfriend lets him in.
"Come darling, my parents are around the table waiting for you so that we can eat".
They then enter into the house and are seated around the table. The boy then yells haistily, "I will say grace, let us bow our heads in a moment of silence!" Everyone then bows their heads to pray. After 2 minutes, his girlfriend realizes that he is still praying, so she says nothing. After 5 minutes, he is still praying, so finally, after 10 minutes, she leans over and says to him,
"Honey, i had no idea that you were this religious!"
He then replies,
"Honey, i had no idea that your father is a pharmacist!!"

Great Jesse!